Very tiny drums. Drums for children, or your cat.
"You're coming in a little early on that one, Mittens."
Dave Navarro, signing autographs. The line was one of the longest at NAMM. Personally I think he over-accessorizes.
The Metasonik TX-2 BUTTPROBE ("You want it up the butt. You deserve it up the butt.") and TX-1 VACUUM-TUBE AGONIZER. As you can see, the Butt Probe offers you several knobs to either fist, ream, or screw the sound. From the manual:
We feel that the TX-2 BUTTPROBE is far more extreme than the famed Sherman Filterbank, and far more tube-freaky than your mother's enema kit. Face it, butt-probing is a worldwide everyday amusement. And clearly, Americans LOVE to have their butts probed. Look at the freaks they vote into political power. Proper use of the TX-2 BUTTPROBE can be infinitely more satisfying than watching Tucker Carlson mopping his ass-crack with your girlfriend's hair. Your girlfriend might like it too.It's just a boatload of fun reading. "Instead of simulating tube overdrive with a rare unavailable snob-value antique transistor, we simulate it WITH TUBES." There is also a bonus version of the TX-1 VACUUM TUBE AGONIZER called the "Special Unacceptable Edition" that has a "SUCKBASS" switch to suck the bass out of the sound. I can't stop quoting these guys.
We aren't gonna say it MIGHT BE unstable anymore--it's GUARANTEED UNSTABLE, Neo. And it sometimes oscillates at ultrasonic frequencies, and it puts out such a "hot" signal that there is a real danger of the Agonizer damaging some types of solid-state equipment. Woof woof, Ha ha ha.If you go to the Metasonik website and follow the link to the Agonizer, you can hear the pain as it trashes a Boy George record via the popular "MP3" file format. "We'll make it easy for you, suckboy. We will simply warn you, if you buy a TX-1, your wife will leave you and your dog will chew your genitals off. Be a good boy, and get a Line 6 amp simulator. Be obedient, and be unoriginal. Buy more Sheryl Crow albums. Ha ha ha. Now piss off, Mister Tiny Taxpayer."
GENIUS. Better hurry, the production run is only 100. There's also a painful "version" of Aqua's "Barbie Girl" available somewhere here. Turn it up loud, kill your pets.
This casing company came to NAMM enclosed in a giant case. Do you remember that old comic The Black Cat and the guy is checking out the Iron Maiden and then the The Black Cat appears and jumps on the chain that's holding it open and SLAM the Iron Maiden has claimed another victim and stuff?
Some of these simulations of actual physical machines are just crazy. This one has the actual wires dangling down as if there's "gravity." They have a newer version that's going to ship in a few months in which you can put a virtual glass of water on the virtual rack and accidentally virtually spill it and the rack "shorts out" and "catches on fire" and "kills you."
Down the street from the convention center is The Carriage Inn. It's shaped like a "U" and in the center is this wig shop. Not open to the public, wholesale only. Wouldn't you just get a cheaper location? I don't understand anything about business.
After NAMM that day we went to (among other things) Clifton's Cafeteria. The concierge at the Hyatt made a wrinkly face when I asked for directions. "Clifton's? You mean the cafeteria? Why would you want to go there?" I wasn't sure at the time -- sometimes I write places down to visit but I forget to write down why -- but as soon as she said that I knew I would love it, and I did.
next page (pg 19)