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jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec

1999 items of note: Children in Distress / A raster-to-vector computer algorithm / Candy Cigarettes


January 1999.

1999jan02. I have created the Official Cardhouse Song Of 1999.

The Stairway of The Edmund Fitzgerald
[all lines are from either song save the second and last one.]

[melody: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
and she's buying the Edmund Fitzgerald

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
And late that night when the ship's bell rang
Could it be the north wind they'd been feelin'?

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most
With a crew and good captain well seasoned

When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck
Sayin' "Fellas, it's too rough to feed ya"
In the tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
he said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya"

They might have split up or they might have capsized,
They may have broke deep and took water
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

[rockin' part] And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
[you may think the previous line is a fudge, but
Page and Plant fared no better in this area]
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying the Edmund...Fitzgerald...

[break into disco extravaganza from "MacArthur Park"
here, with a deft segue into "Live or Let Die," end
with machine gun sample from "Love Missile F1-11]

1999jan06.

i AM WORKING ON BECOMING THE hELEN kELLER EXPERT OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. I CAME TO YOUR VERY NICE WEB SITE BECAUSE YOU WERE LISTED UNDER HK JOKES, BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM; HAVE FOUND 189,359 HK REFERENCES BUT VERY FEW JOKES. NOW I WANT TO TELL YOU HK WAS A VERY FUNNY WOMAN AND HAD A VAUDEVILLE ACT WITH TEACHER. IF YOU HAVE ANY HK STUFF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WOULD YOU? I LOVE YER HOUSE AND PROMISE YOU AN AUTOG. COPY OF MY BOOK. THANK YOU
BECKY V

Yelling loudly is used on foreigners, Becky, not blind people. Anyway, here are some Helen Keller jokes.

How many Helen Kellers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

Helen Keller walks into a bar, bartender says "We don't serve Helen Keller here." She leaves.

What happened when Helen Keller's solo flight around the world ditched into the Pacific Ocean?
That was Amelia Earhart.
Oh. Sorry.

Tom Cruise is SO gay.

Why does Helen Keller have difficulty navigating around her household?
Because she's dead.

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Helen Keller!
Come in Helen, we've been expecting you!

1999jan07. This is not a solution.

This is a nice little portable web browser machine that costs $500 yet can only be used 500 feet from the "base unit." I don't want to be tied down to a "base unit." I want to go all over the world with my little webpad, pointing at things, surfing Superbad in San Francisco and The Finger in Fresno, wherever, whatever. I would never be lost ‒ I could just pull into a Starbucks, surf some crappy navigation site, and then leave without buying any coffee neener neener. And I would store all my stuff on the web, so I wouldn't have to swim through a paper sea every time I come home. That's how important this machine, this very-close-to-what-I-want-but-not-quite machine is. Very, very important. And it should make ice cream. And kittens that you could just give to strangers. "Here's a kitten," you could say, handing this person or that person a brand-spanking new manufactured kitten. Then, while they're all distracted by the cute little ball of fur, you bump them and take their wallet. I call it the Kitten Of Distraction Webpad Machine And Don't Forget The Ice Cream Port. Oh, and maybe a KEYBOARD [laughing hysterically].

1999jan13. Found photo.

(contributed by Deuce of Clubs)

Hahahahaha! Oh, grandma, you're such a kidder! Such a kidder...such a... you're kidding, right? You ARE paying my way, right? Grandma? GRANDMA??? Where's the *#&%! MONEY, GRANNIE!??!?

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Heh... heh... I still got it... now THAT'S a composition... oh yeah... who's hot? Who's hot? I am, that's who. Lookit the lines on THAT baby... HOTCHA!

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

This one is TOO GOOD for a caption.

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Hold on, I'll get it. (It's the Hilton.) You wanted what? One THOUSAND paintings, for one dollar EACH, not ONE painting for one THOUSAND dollars? Yeah, yeah, I'll tell her.

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Hey, Tony's gonna take our picture, honey! Give 'em your good side! Oh, I just remembered: you ain't GOT no good side! HAW HAW HAW! Haw ha haaa... ha. Ahem. Shit. [click]

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

I can't think of anything funny for this one. I'm just going to sit here and eat my stupid Assorted Fruit Jellies and pout. I hate fruit jellies, I don't know why I bought this crap. Especially the white ones. What "fruit" is white? Maybe it's a light yellow. I think that pinball machine is "Fire," which had a pretty nice playing field. Ewww, grapefruit? Who wants a goddamned Assorted Grapefruit Fruit Jelly?

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

I think this guy was everyone's seventh-grade shop teacher.

1999jan16. You all have probably heard that Swatch has come up with a new "Internet time" based upon the "Swatch beat"; one "Swatch beat" is equal to approximately one minute and 26.4 earth seconds. The new time's meridian reference point is coincidentally located at Swatch International HQ. Swatch has also created a downloadable internet time display module for web sites to display; CNN.com is currenty using it. But as we all excitedly stampede toward internet time, what sort of cultural implications does this entail? As an example, I've converted "Rock Around the Clock" by Bill Haley & The Comets, universally recognized as the initial pioneers in a long-dead art form once identified as "Rock 'n' Roll." Here I've assumed for the conversion that Bill originally rocked around an Eastern Standard Time clock, as Bill Haley was born in E.S.T.-based Michigan.

Bill Haley & The Comets
Rock Around The Clock

[Converted to Swatch beats; all times are E.S.T.]

791, 833, 875 Swatch beats, 916 Swatch beats rock,
958, zero, 41 Swatch beats, 83 Swatch beats rock,
125, 166, 208 Swatch beats, 250 Swatch beats rock,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Put your glad rags on and join me hon',
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes 791.

chorus: We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'till broad daylight,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.

When the clock strikes 833, 875 and 916,
If the band slows down we'll yell for more.

(chorus)

When the chimes ring 958, zero, and 41,
We'll be right in seventh heaven.

(chorus)

When it's 83, 125, 166, 208 too,
I'll be goin' strong and so will you.

(chorus)

When the clock stikes 250 we'll cool off then,
Start rockin' 'round the clock again.

--------

Also, don't forget to click on the doggie, it will take a little animated piss which is so damned appropriate I may just scream in delight.

1999jan17. Mail.

HELLO do you remember me. i'm arts who talk with you in morning how 're you to day i hope you will enjoy and have a nice day OH 1 point { take care yourself } see you next time

Arts! Who could forget! Arts ... ARTSSSSSSSS ... where's that ten bucks you owe me, G? { give me my money }

1999jan20. Mail.

Hiya. I wanta psychic reading! I'm a little worried that anyone who wastes so much time building a webpage as crappy as mine needs help. Let me know:

My car currently contains: 3 half-empty travel mugs full of cold tea. Kickboxing gloves. Pile of old napkins from Taco Hell, 1 first aid kit the size of a steamer trunk, 1 rollerblade, 1 FarSide calendar, 1 book on Banzai trees, 3 cans of coconut milk and the complete score to Vivaldi's "Gloria."

Help?
Livi (of Wagnerian fame) H.

Hrmmmm...I am getting a sense of a life that is "out-of-balance" ...but "down-to-earth." I am also getting a reading, something about BOXING... is it "KICK" BOXING, sport of the future? I cannot say at this time.

I am also getting a psychic premonition of a building, no, of actually building, as in the verb. Are you a construction worker? Perhaps this is an avenue of employment that would agree with you.

I see some sort of bizarre mix of COLD TEA and COLA NUT MILK, no, scratch that, COCONUT MILK swirling around, this could be a new taste sensation that you will devise in the near future while listening to ... while listening to I WILL SURVIVE by GLORIA GAYNOR.

Now I am seeing a TINY FOREST ... morphing into a set of dainty napkins. Maybe this is a sign that forestry would be a better career choice, maybe not.

Oh! oh! This is very bad. I am sensing...I am sensing an ACCIDENT in your future, yes, that's right, an ACCIDENT... but you are prepared for this emergency, somehow, I think. That is all we have time for today.

1999jan21. I have been thinking. I do that occasionally. Where are all the GOOD hackers? By "good" I mean hackers of a higher moral standing. Like for example, you're working on some corporate site, and you don't have time to make all the links work, so you go home for the night...and then the GOOD HACKERS attack. They fix your broken links, clean up your pages, and add some delightfully appropriate icons to round out the site.

Just another day of unsurpassed excellence for the GOOD HACKERS.

1999jan25. I had a dream last night that I was helping a bunch of "hep" college-type kids dock a boat and some of them were in this band that had sung a type of a hybrid song and I mentioned that The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and Staiway To Heaven fit pretty well together and they thanked me in their perky, squeaky little college voices, the ones that make you want to pick up an oar and hurt, HURT WITH BLINDING SPEED, STUPID DREAM-STATE COLLEGE KIDS!! In one way or another, this means that the contest is over. I have chosen not to release the names of the winners or the imaginary college kids and their next-of-kin out of respect for their privacy. Fare thee well, dead college kid dream constructs, fare thee well!

Also I'm starting to get sick of tuna fish.

1999jan25. "One, we deeply regret any loss of civilian lives or civilian casualties or injuries. Secondly, we do everything humanly possible to prevent that, and thirdly, and most important, the ultimate reason and cause for these casualties is Saddam Hussein."

-- Gen. Anthony Zinni, commander of U.S. forces in the Persian Gulf, on the errant U.S. missile and combat philosophy, pushing really fucking hard for Lying Through My Teeth Quote Of 1999

1999jan28. So I went strolling through the Webby Awards nominees list just now. Jodi.org is in "Arts," and Superbad is in "Weird"? And check out this list for the "Print and Zines" category: Feed, Nerve, Salon, Slate, and Smithsonian Magazine.

"Dude, check out this Pavement interview in Slate!!!!"
"No way, I'm reading all about the crappy, mind-destroying temp job the editor of the Smithsonian has!"

Either way, I'm really pumped to find out who's going to win those stupid little shock absorbers. "Good work, Mr. Superbad, here's a SHOCK ABSORBER."

1999jan29. Reno.

Casino win/loss: $-19.85.
Total win/loss: $-62.85.

Mahjong slot machines. Very interesting.

Automatic smoke-and-noise ejection system means you will spend you will probably spend, maximum, a total of (ceiling height in feet divided by three times the efficiency of air circulation as a percentage) hours in the casino.

1999jan31. I have been thinking. Here is my idea for a new mail format that you will like. I don't have a name for it yet. But say you're writing an email message, and you send it out, and JUST AFTER you send it out you realize you've got something sitting in your copy buffer that you were going to paste in the message but now it's too late and you don't want to send a separate email message because it looks tacky. So instead, you click a little "catch and append" button, and this new piece of mail goes looking for the old piece of mail and attaches itself. Wouldn't that be THE BEE'S KNEES?


February 1999.

1999feb02. Mail.

I know what the Stupidest Thing In The Whole World is. Would you like to know? Of course you would.

Apparently some filthy rich businessman decided that he had so much money that he couldn't think of any more ridiculous things to do with it. Thus, he set out to create a completely useless art object. He succeeded quite brilliantly, I would say.

The Stupidest Thing In The Whole World is supposed to represent a tree. Yes, you read corectly, a tree. And those broken-egg things around the bottom? They now have metal cut-outs of hatching baby dinosaurs.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Livi H.

I don't think I want to visit the Stupidest Thing In The Whole World anymore.

1999feb05. Okay, I'm a little late in announcing this, but this month is CANADIAN MONTH!!!

All Canadian websurfers will be allowed to peruse Cardhouse AT PAR!!! That means that one Canadian dollar EQUALS one American dollar! Come on in, Canadians, and enjoy THE CARDHOUSE!

1999feb05. It just occured to me, as it has occasionally, that I haven't been dancing in over a year now. I like to blast the phunky phresh phat phbeats all over the hell these days, and perhaps sometime I will go to the last remaining club in San Francisco and "get down" with my "horrible self." And I am thinking that when I do this, I will probably just keel over right there, dead of a Massive Attack massive heart attack ‒ and that will give Wiley Brown the excuse he needs to close down the last club. And the loft yuppies will be happy, because there will be no more noise, and Wiley will be happy, because he's evil, and I will be happy, because I will be dead. But not as happy as I would be if I were dead in CANADA!!!!

1999feb05. Canadian REVENGE

Privacy: Best place to sign up to protest the FDIC's invasive Know-Your-Customer law

Privacy: A list of exciting current legislative innovations in the rapidly-growing field of biometric and personal statistical harvesting for your new life in The United Security Agency!

Privacy: Something like this should explode into national consciousness but will instead wilt in a corner and be forgotten [rw]

Most perfectest prom theme EVER

USA! USA! USA! America #1...in PANCAKE RACIN'

Now just cut the other 19 shows and you've got a PERFECT season! [os]

Pancakes: Transatlantic Pancake Contest.

If it's news, and it's about pancakes, Cardhouse is THERE.

Driving right not privilege

Military: Swallow this. Believe it. It's cheap. It's here. Goldurnit, citizens will have their own pocket lasers to bring down Russkie missiles! It's going to cost less than a talking ham sandwich! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, SOLDIER! [m]

No...really...all we want to see is the click-throughs on ads. That's all. Free PC. Come 'n' get it, slobs . [rw] Picture of smokin' monkey: always funny.

Retro panda toaster is Y2k compliant! [godtodd]

There's something that warms the heart about these speak-out-of-turn-go-to-jail cases ... [os]

Pranks: Review of Monica's book ... before release [os]

Baseball card defacing party! [rw]

Canadian DURABILITY

Canadian SERIAL DINERS

Pancakes: Pancake Robot (Yummie profits, too!)

Pancakes: Pancakes Across America

Pancakes: Russian's Maslenitsa (Butter Week)

Privacy: Getting tough with Know-Your-Customer law

Privacy: Vile Biometric Harvesters

Privacy: Oops! You're in jail! Bad SSN, BAD!

Privacy: State-by-state SSN/print requirements

Monsanto will sell you insecticides then sell you genetically-altered seeds that resist the poison. That's...SCIENCE! [rw]

Words (journal)

Mp3spy

Digital pulp fiction postcards

Blue HaWagner

Pranks: A look back at the Mac&Cheese auction

Glubco Weaponry

Hacking Barney [m]

Pranks: Ebay CSoTY award sold on...Ebay (Smug)

Smarter Feller archive (Eggers)

SF Bay Guardian's 10 worst corporations of 1998

New snazzy eyesaw fonts [tf]

A look back at A Very Special Leisuretown to salute the new Dilbert TV show [censored by Dilberty lawyers]

UK's Bizarre Magazine "Ask Bizarre" column

Heath Bunting

Barracuda Magazine

Girl Trouble

Internet Weather

Spinner

Matsuda Family

Tom-B

WebScout

Daedalus Books

More Like This

Foresight Exchange

Risks Digest

Gamestorm

Online Games

Steve Mann

Irational.org

Cafe Society

Drudge Retort

Betalounge

Jamie

Wagner's Honeymoon

Berkeley Meat Parade

The Neighbarhood

1999feb07. THESE COLORS DON'T RUN ‒ today's topic is the color scheme of this website. Good? Bad? Looking for something in white? Chartreuse? SPEAK OUT/UP! You have the freedom to do so. Exercise that freedom! But not too much, because then you'll get arrested. Perhaps you should balance it with safety. I'm thinking a lot of safety, and maybe a smidgen, just a touch of freedom. I mean, freedom to work, freedom to watch TV, freedom to pay taxes, freedom to just be the best goddamn consumer you can be! I think it's pretty much the same in Canada, but you have to listen to April Wine and Bryan Adams a lot more.

1999feb12. Canadian INGENUITY

1999feb14. Travel collages by some Canadian guy

1999feb16. Okay, everything is back to normal now. Just like I said. I promised ya, and sure as shootin', we're back in business. Ready. To serve you. Big ass deal. The e-commerce section, however, still has a few minor problems, we're trying to get the retinal scan plug-in working...

1999feb17. Mail.

Dear Sir,

We ourselves takes opportunity to introduce ourselves that we AL-MUSAHA AL-MUSHTARAKA CO, Kuwait since last 15 years in diversified businesses and specilised in polystyrene insulation related products.

I would like to request you that we would like to import the machinery for producing various sizes as 4 cm, 5 cm, 7.5 cm respectively of styroform insulation sheets. And appreciated if you give us your range of products catalogues, prices, etc., particularly welcomed for samples of styropor low density blocks raw material. If it is not possible please indicate us about the addresses those who are suppling the polystyrne (beads or Granules) raw material.

Thank you in advance and looking further to hearing from you soon.

With regards,

Raju S. Prasad
Factory Manager

1999feb17. Canadian software lets you surf anonymously

1999feb20. City To Avoid At All Costs

1999feb20. [Important Canadian Participaction documents including the breakthrough "Effects of Plain Packaging Among Youth," a steal at twenty dollars ‒ and that's twenty CANADIAN dollars, my friend.|http://www.utoronto.ca/chp/participaction.html]

1999feb21. Mail. Actual mail received in the post.

Dearest Cardhouse: I would like to take advantage of CANADIAN MONTH and would like a MACROS for the low low price of one Canadian "Loonie"

To prop up the lame value of the Loonie, I offer a couple of canuk links to make up the difference:

BAD CANADIANS

GOOD CANADIANS

- Mita

Bad news, Mita. Your letter arrived at Cardhouse HQ sans Loonie. I can see from the envelope scrapings that A) this Loonie was very dirty and B) it travelled very far before it was swiped. I will honor this request. I am amused by this clear instance of mail tampering, although my detective-like skills have not enabled me to determine on what side of the border this transgression occurred. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you Loonie-sending Canadians: if you are going to send Loonies, send them wrapped in odd-shaped cardboard and taped tight so Mr. Peek-A-Boo postal inspector doesn't get a nice tip. Personally I can't imagine how a one and two-dollar coin is more useful than bills. Perhaps there are more magicians in Canada.

1999feb21. Mail.

you fuckers are so smug. [snicker]
That little czec kid saved so many lives, and you bastards are so full of your own web-literate selves. grimm grimm grimm you monkey shitbirds your arrogance will bite U in the ass. Oh yeah, I'm horribly drunk.

Origin/name unknown ‒ perhaps it was from CANADA!

1999feb21. Missing phrase of the day: "Entrapment" [os]

1999feb22. Doc: Stripper Bingo!

1999feb22. Airline passengers have extremely horrible taste (or maybe this is just what's been passed over) [m]

1999feb22. I think probably the next thing to do is just to seize cars when someone's speeding. Because you never know how many people a speeder might kill. And what about people who drive a little slow as well? The police should take those cars, too. And what about property? Isn't domestic violence the leading cause of murder in this country? Perhaps we should just turn over our homes to the police. It's all for the best.

1999feb22. Privacy: What privacy?

1999feb22. Missing phrase of the day: "Conflict of interest" [rw]

1999feb22. Pranks: Kiddie auction [tf]

1999feb22. It's okay for the US to have super-spy satellites but it's not okay for THE CANADIANS [rw]

1999feb22. Sushi Sushi Sushi Sushi [m]

1999feb23. What America Needs More Of: Direct, Eye-Catching Political Statements. Could you imagine someone doing this in the U.S.? They'd be branded as "terrorists" and killed, or maybe they'd have their cars taken away from them. Oh, I almost forgot ‒ get ready to eat genetically-modified foodstuffs 24/7 thanks to the United States...

1999feb23. Big Brother UK: Hope you don't look like a criminal!

1999feb23. The Wall O' Shame

1999feb23. Shoes on I-5

1999feb24. NASA's favorite moneypit, errr, NATIONAL TREASURE, needs more repairs [rw]

1999feb24. "Now you need to play the harried CNN reporter speaking about the invasion of the United St--I mean, the hypothetical unstable developing nation!" [rw]

1999feb24. Pranks: Everyone enjoys the wit and wisdom of Bil Keane

1999feb24. Make your own damn M&M colors ... it only costs about as much as umm, let's see...what costs ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS these days? A GPS does. Yes. It costs as much as a GPS, for example. UPDATE: do NOT be fooled by the repeated use of the word "blend" ‒ what they mean is that if you choose four different colors, then you will GET four different colors, not a blend of the colors. Which means that this interface is completely pointless ‒ as has been pointed out to me by two people, there are speciality shoppes that carry color- separated M&M's in such a wide spectrum (including an M&M shoppe in Las Vegas), and you don't have to plop down 195 clams to get your favorite crappy color. I thought the web was supposed to move toward MICROpayments, not MACROpayments. Jerks.

1999feb24. Canadian BAD BLOOD: Good luck sticking anything to that bastard

1999feb24. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work

1999feb25. Donut Domain Survey (part 2).

(2002 April update. Most of the donut sites that were listed here are gone, victims of their own greed and poor planning. What were they thinking, buying Aeron chairs instead of real, actual donuts? Who would want to pay $8.00 in shipping for a fifty-cent donut? Did anyone watch those e-donut commercials during the Superbowl? No. No one did. And thus, the great exalted future era of electronically-ordered donuts came to a spectacular and crashing end. I hope you were smart enough to move your money before the donut bubble burst).

www.e-donut.com
I got all excited when I found out about e-donut.com. I thought this might be an e-commerce site that primarily traded donuts. You could speculate with virtual crullers, boston cremes, etc, and then when you had to cash out it would be in donuts. However, there is nothing there. Nothing.

www.dunkindonuts.org
This has nothing to do with Dunkin' Donuts, but however is a "Consumer Opinion" web site that collects customer comments and such. Good for stomach-turning quite-possibly-true customer horror stories.

www.donutquest.com
A quest for donuts is indeed a noble one. However, this site has little to do with donuts. At least, I don't think there are many donuts on the site ‒ it features just about every cockamamie "special effect" that web losers around the world highly cherish including the ever-present midi background. This site includes pictures of the Northridge quake, special information on street gangs, "Warez," etc.

www.amyjoydonuts.com
This was a big staple of my youth. It looks like someone scanned an old Amy Joy box and then forgot to do anything else with the website. But that's how it goes on the world-wide web. Perhaps you've noticed.

www.apple-donuts.com
This site, of course, is where you can get updates for mac os8.5. Don't ask me. Perhaps "donuts" are some sort of new plug-in or helper module? I regret my move to the PC more and more everyday.

www.dunkindonutssucks.com
Doesn't have any web pages associated with it. I read a news article awhile back that said corporations were buying up domains like this so no one else could use them. But there is no fuckdunkindonuts.com, for example, or dunkindonutscrammedupmyass.com for that matter. There is a myriad of possibilities when considering obscenity-laced Dunkin' Donuts-disparaging domains, including dunkindonutscockring.com and ratscrawlingallthehelloverdunkindonutsdonuttraysjesushchristyougoddamnratsgetoffthedonutsgetoffthedonutsseveralexclamationpoints.com.

www.411donuts.com
"Yo! Homie! What's the donuts 411?"

I do not know, my friend. 411donuts.com will give me no donut information today. It has all the elements of a site that wants to tell me where the donuts are located, but does not.

www.bagofdonuts.com
Bag of Donuts is a New Orleans-based rock band with a severe identity crisis. There is one band member dressed up as Gene Simmons in full Kiss make-up. There is another member who is wearing a large watermelon headgear contraption. And so on. Visuals are good for distraction.

www.bestdonutman.com
This site features outrageously-large donuts that are available for ordering. These donuts are bigger than your head and cost forty dollars. This is mostly what's wrong with America today. Someone, somewhere, decides to take something quintessentially American, like the donut, and blow it all the fuck out of proportion. "Super size it," Bestdonutman.com seems to be saying, but I can't hear him. I CANNOT HEAR YOU, BESTDONUTMAN.COM!!!!

www.daddysouldonut.com
Yet another band, but this band does not dress up in silly costumes. I am not sure what type of music they play. Here's a bit of the bio: "Four musicians with varied backgrounds forming a band may not be unusual, but crafting a palatable sound from a myriad of resources such as grunge, fusion, reggae, celtic, a little punk, and even some country, is certainly out of the ordinary and often nothing short of a miracle." So halleijifegh(sic) for the miracle of DONUTS.

www.delphidonut.com
I'll let the site explain itself: "I am the Donut ‒ Delphi Donut. My mom and dad call me that because I reminded my dad of a chocolate-iced white donut. My first name is Delphi--we pronounce it "Delfee" and I'm named after some computer gobbledygook my dad works with. I guess you could say I was named after my dad's main interests--food and computers!" Well, I guess just be glad your dad doesn't use Visual Basic, kid. There's a great infinite donut background on this site. Steal it. I won't say anything. STEAL!

www.digitaldonut.com
The first page is off to a great start, with the proclamation "World Wide Compendium of Important Donut And Donut Related Issues" and then there's nothing else there. Nothing.

www.donut-andalucia.com
Esto está en español. No puedo leer español. Es muchos conseguidos seguros de materia en él. Es demasiado malo yo no puede leer a español.

www.irondonut.com
This site allegedly has nothing on it, but I have located THIS secret page because I am a dedicated civil servant. This has nothing to do with donuts, however.

I think that is enough donut domains for now.

1999feb26. Mail.

When I was unable to find candy cigarettes a couple of years ago, I ordered some from candydirect.com. If you're getting desperate you could try them--but they only sell them by the case, so it can get expensive. And your peers can get really tired of you pushing candy cigs on them all the time.

I am extremely over candy cigarettes now. This is what happens, not that I'm not grateful: I get interested in something, tell a bunch of people, then I'm swamped with free samples from my loving friends. Then I put it aside for months, and maybe someday I get around to putting the article up. Someday.

1999feb26. Mail.

Hey Mark. Uh, long time lister, first time caller, or something. I've really been enjoying Canadian Month, and am going to be quite devastated when March first rolls around. I came across a site yesterday that I thought would be appropriate for the 'ol weblog:

http://www.standonguard.com/

I'm not sure if it's as funny for non-Canadians, but it does provide a new perspective on the freedom/privacy investigations...

I was going to end this message by saying along the lines of "keep up the good work!," but that would be pretty hokey, eh?

Jason

I was going to say "okay, I will!" but since you didn't say "keep up the good work!" I will not. Say it, that is.

I love the Future Territory Map.

1999feb26. Canadians CONSIDER THE FUTURE (a Canadian submission!)

1999feb27. Kibo's Fake Dr. Pepper Roundup

1999feb27. Airtoons

1999feb27. World Paper Money (check out Antarctica)

1999feb27. Canadian paper money

1999feb28. Mail.

Dear Suhs (I am writing from Alabami so try to remember your Foghorn Leghorn as you read):
I cannot make up my mind whether I am vexed or perplexed this sunny morn. And, having eaten everything fast food has to offer (chicken, burgers, tacos, chicken tacos, tacoburgers ‒ wait, not everything ... I've never had a Big Mac with a condom on it), I am looking to you to make my mind up for me.

The problem is that in my effort to discover a "Manifesto on/about/for/consisting of Bologna," all I ran into were these friggin' (see deSade) websites in Italian. Do I look like I can read ITALIAN!

The answer is no.

And I say that the compilation of search engines named "Dogpile" is aptly tagged.

Naturally, I figured to step back from the problem. How about a search for "baloney," what I was really looking for all along! Sure. Top notch thinking.

Results: a site on health care initiatives ("Stop the baloney from killing our construction workers?"), one on lesbians (I don't want to go there ... I mean, lesbians, okay. Baloney, great. Baloney AND lesbians?!), and some links to skepticism (which, for me, would have amounted to an endless feedback loop).

Finally, a jab at Yahoo!, that pile of dog itself. How in the world can a search engine call itself Yahoo! when it returns ZERO MATCHES TO THE KEYWORD BALONEY! even if it is attached to manifesto. I am not asking you write any baloney manifesto. I'm sure you would not. After all, your fridge is completely stocked with donuts and toast and that tuna salad you conveniently forgot to eat in time. But, if you do know of strategic members of the armed forces or GOP who could be knocked off to alleviate my angst, please set the wheels in motion.

Another loyalist subscriber,
Fred T

I cannot help you with your quest for baloney. I can empathize with the burning in your soul ‒ I wanted to go the Baloney Festival in Prince, Michigan, some years ago, as you can see here. But I had bigger non-baloney fish to fry. Perhaps you could visit there and deliver some sort of trip report? That would be a good idea.

1999feb28. Mail.

Really getting into International Prank Calls! (Rare chance to use the dozens of foreign dirty words I know.) Have you tried this yet? Somebody told me "You'll be sorreee!" I this true?

You seem to have a grasp on what is true, altho what you're doing with your other hand, I won't imagine.

Fred T

Isn't that kind of expensive? This is very true, I think.

1999feb28. Missing phrase of the day: "lawlessness"

1999feb28. Hypothesis: A small police force can close down a vibrant community on the flimsiest of excuses. Experimentation proves hypothesis.


March 1999.

1999mar01. Command Post Doc Phone Booth

1999mar01. Privacy: I love the twisted-ass Newsspeak in this one: "It does reflect (Reno's) deep interest and commitment in using our law enforcement tools in a manner that is sensitive to privacy rights." Yes, taking DNA samples from anyone arrested is quite sensitive to privacy rights. Asshole.

1999mar01. New Chickenhead features Jerry Garcia autopsy!

1999mar01. "Privacy: To some extent we trade off personal privacy for protection like this," says Philipp Reilly of the National Commission on the Future of DNA Evidence. No one needs the "protection" a DNA database can bring.

1999mar01. Amish Porn

1999mar01. Pixbarn: Thomace & Pan stationery.

This stationery set was given to me as a gift from some friends, who have indicated that they honestly didn't notice the last panel until after they had purchased it and brought it home.

The caption at the bottom of the cartoon (not shown) reads "PAN, THOMACE' BEST FRIEND IS A LOVELY BEAR. HE LIKES TO EAT FISH AND HONEY." Apparently the fish and honey are located to the bottom right. FINE!

1999mar02. Bunny Goes Raving

1999mar02. Sharbie

1999mar02. Ya, der Bluezen der BROTHERZEN!

1999mar02. Kweeeeeeeeeeeennnn!!!

1999mar02. This is Gorilla X-9 calling HQ, please come in ... [Bizarre Magazine]

1999mar02. Frigidaire introduces new defective internet-enabled refrigerator. Get this ‒ it has Microsoft Windows 95 in it! Oh man, if you're a comedian, this is your GRAVY TRAIN!!

1999mar02. Taste-E-Chop hangin' def and steady in China! Paris! Out West! That chop GETS AROUND

1999mar02. Furniture Porn

1999mar02. Pixbarn: Haw flakes.

I was tootling around a Chinese grocery store the other day and saw packs of fireworks for sale in the middle of the candy display.

A pack of the mighty "HAW FLAKES" fireworks consisted of ten packed cylindrical rolls. LIGHT FUSE GET AWAY! But wait a minnit...

What's a firework doing with an ingredient list? And what the hell was a "HAW," anyway? Haw haw haw! Well, since the whole ten-pack cost thirty-nine cents, I figured what the hey.

When I got to work, I opened up one of the packages. This is what was inside.

There were about 27 discs inside. But look at that color! There was no way I was going to eat these babies until I figured out what "haw" meant ‒ I didn't want to find out it was Chinese for "pig innards" after knocking down a pack.

Luckily there were a few mentions of Haw Flakes on "the internet" ‒ "Haw" is short for "Hawthorne," the flower. Hey, lookit me, I'm eating a flower! Actually, it's the fruit. The taste was described as "fruit leather" (or, Fruit Roll-Ups), and is pretty accurate. You only want to eat one disc at a time, it's the perfect serving size ‒ more than one and you lose the stellar chew profile.

The aftertaste, however, needs a little work. I would not take these on a roadtrip, for example. When eating Haw Flakes, make sure you're within reach of a toothbrush. It's not a particularly bad aftertaste, it just feels a little grating, like cornbread, for example.

Let's take a look at that ingredient list again.

1) Haw Flakes are Y2K compatible!
2) What you don't see are the other two ingredients that are listed on the pack ‒ water, and FD&C Red 40 (no, that's not the unsafe one, no one can use it anymore). So this means that the completely unappetizing color is the RESULT? I'd hate to see what it looked like before ...

1999mar03. Classic Gaming Expo '99. This is sort of frightening. I used to be a big video-game addict. I had the high score on "Dig-Dug" for about two weeks ‒ the "official" high score arcade for the United States, Twin Galaxies, is mentioned on this website ... they're STILL recording high scores, some fifteen years later. Now I feel as old as the sun.

1999mar03. Jan Svankmajer: Alchemist of the Surreal ... don't even TELL me you don't remember THIS [m]

1999mar03. Excellent Club 8 site ... without pictures?

1999mar03. Radio Khartoum: a record label.

1999mar03. Why? A Continuing Series.

1999mar03. Pixbarn: Colored pencils (japan).

My friends who got me the stationery also picked up a set of Tuxedo Sam tiny colored pencils for me some time ago. Each pencil has an object associated with it.

Brown is a cup of coffee. Yes. Yes it is.

Light blue is cloudless sky, yellow is fried egg. I can buy that.

Pink are twin cherries? Okay, perhaps red was already taken. What is red, anyway?

Red ... red is balloon of festival. Of course it is.

1999mar04. We have a request from a Mr. Kurt Heidelberg of the Department of Anthropology of the University of California of California of The United States of America.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Announcing the 6th Annual International BIGGEST MOCK NUMBER CONTEST!

Just in case you haven't played before, here are the rules:

1. Submit a "mock number" that SOUNDS bigger than anything else. Examples are: "zillion" or "jillian," etc.

2. Do not submit actual numbers, mathematical expressions or terms such as infinity, infinity plus 1, 2 to the nth, googol, or googolplex.

3. Be creative (dammit).

4. Multiple submissions are allowed.

5. Submission deadline is March 30th.

6. email all submissions to [email address] NOT TO CARDHOUSE!!!

The reigning Biggest Mock Number is THE SULTAN OF BRUNILLION, by Dominique Rissolo of San Diego, California. Mr. Rissolo has been the champ for 2 years.

Please forward this message to your friends, or any enemies who loathe unsolicited email.

Enter often and try to dethrone the DOM of mock math, if you can. Remember, if you don't enter, you're already a loser!

Kurt

1999mar04. ASIAN CULTURE WEEK WRAP-UP.(*)

My friend Doc wrote me earlier today. He said:

this morning i erased the white board on which i'd been adding a new bible verse each day, on the subject of, basically, how crappy people are. it had been making people nervous. this afternoon i remarked, as i do almost every day, "i need to make a lot of money real fast." someone asked whether i had a plan to do that. i went back to the white board & wrote my plan:

"MY KINGDOM FOR A SKI MASK"

Oh my! I have several BILLION DOLLARS that I can give Mr. Doc, but I don't think he'll want to retrieve any of it ‒ because he'll have to pick 'em up IN HELL!!!! [saucy reverb] Yes, I've got BILLION DOLLAR HELL NOTES!!!! [haunting reverb]

What the hell are Hell Notes?, you ask. I will tell you. I will tell you what the Hell Notes are. First, let's take a look at one. Here's a ONE BILLION DOLLAR HELL NOTE. It's one of the biggest, baby, clocking in at ten by five inches! Nothing but the best for my little reader (here the web ro-bot tickles you under the chin with Microsoft's Ticklebot 99. Oh, oh JESUS! GOOD LORD!!!! Ummm, don't worry, it'll grow back...it'll grow back).

one billion dollar hell note ‒ ten x five inches

front! (ding ding!)

back!

There are several denominations of Hell Notes, from a one-dollar bill up to (at least) the one billion dollar note. The Chinese create this money to be used in the afterlife. The Chinese afterlife is pretty much the same as here, you work (that IS hell!), have to spend money and provide for your family, etc. The hell money is transported from this world to the afterlife by burning it. The money is traditionally burned after a funeral, or during the Chinese new year. It doesn't stop at money ‒ the place where I picked these bills up also had Hell shoes ‒ shoes to burn, made out of cardboard. There are other various consumer items available elsewhere; a friend of mine saw a Hell VCR once. I have read of ersatz cars and houses being assembled just to be burned.

The tradition itself is frowned upon by the Chinese government (you know, if I had a Hell Dollar for every time I saw that phrase...). In the interest of the environment, they suggest burning one blank check for the deceased. There are also Hell Credit Cards issued by at least one bank in Taiwan.

The reason they're called HELL notes is rather funny ‒ it comes from Christian missionaries visiting China in the 19th century, happily explaining to the Chinese where they'd all end up. I love this attitude ‒ "call it whatever you want, we're still going to keep our traditions and beliefs."

I've decided to gather up a bunch of Hell Notes and burn them for my own twisted reasons...I'm burning them to transport 'em across TIME ‒ across a very pernicious moment in time when my bank account may go up in smoke.

NOTES NOTE: This money is VERY, VERY cheap in this world. I got about 34 one billion dollar Hell Notes for ninety-five cents and I think that several of the other denominations go for less (as they are smaller). Unless you HAVE to have Hell Notes (and aren't near a major city), don't buy them off the web ‒ the prices I've seen are ridiculously high.

(*) Friday is always "Friday Free Day," ever since the 8th grade. It sort of stuck. It's a caution at work. If something is destroying you that day, you just sort of twitch, blurt out "FRIDAY FREE DAY!" and run out of the office. Oh sure, sometimes I come back and there are security guards waiting with a box labelled "LOSER," but I think the tradition should be kept alive at all costs.

1999mar04. [Deuce of Clubs] Natty physicists from the UK discover six new ways to SELL YOUR SOUL [rw]

1999mar04. World's largest scam artists INCREDULOUS that someone is trying to uberscam their scam!

1999mar04. Press secretary keels over, dies

1999mar04. Art: Woodblock prints from Japan's Edo period (1603-1867).

1999mar04. Photos: Lost America

1999mar05. Yes, my little web-kittens, it is Friday. And what is Friday if it is not "Friday Free-Day"? That is a good question. You are quite the smarty-smart!

Our first exhibit is a photograph of Chicago, Illinois, taken in January of 1993. In some ways, I think this photo adequately captures the best and worst of Chicago, Illinois.

Now I will tell a story. Doc was watching a program about The Nazis the other day, and tried to make a dollar bet with me.

If you know anything about Doc, it's to never take a bet with him ‒ see, for instance, this or this.

So we're chatting via ICQ, as people are wont to do nowadays, and out of the blue he says:

i'll give you a dollar if anyone mentions "nazi pants." i get a dollar from you if anyone mentions "nifty" and "nazis"

The "nifty"/"nazis" was a callback to an earlier conversation. "Nazi pants" was a lame joke I made roughly a year ago:

Hitler put his pants on one leg at a time, like everyone else. But they were NAZI PANTS

This may be one of the very few times that Doc has offered to bet on something for which he does not know the outcome. Or...DOES he? I refuse. Twenty minutes into the program, he transcribes the most recent sentence:

"Hitler was fond of chocolates and sweets, and was fond of wearing NAZI PANTS"

Should have taken that damned Nazi bet. (2006: He finally mentioned that he was lying. See, my defenses are legion, but if you're on my side of the wall, I'm just a big pushover)

Our last piece is a shopkeeper's "Open" sign. These signs cost seventy-nine cents at my local hardware store. The actual design is very old, and no one really knows who created the original sign. It is one of those things.

Perhaps next week the "Closed" sign will be available for viewing. Perhaps my hardware store will have it in stock by then. It's very Californian to just stay open all the time, I guess.

Also, if you have read this far, perhaps you would be interested in the new All About entry into the All About Gallery. It sort of snuck in when nobody was looking.

1999mar05. (make up your own punchline)

1999mar05. Virgil Exner, car designer for Chrysler

1999mar05. Playland Slaying, part of the "Above New York" photo series by Phillip Buehler

1999mar05. Products: Hair clips, mah-jong keychains.

1999mar05. Enterprising young lad constructs "dream bike" entirely of animal parts.

1999mar05. Privacy: Don't forget to thank your senate democrats for not killing the invasive Know-Your-Customer banking proposal

1999mar05. Man cannot marry his own car.

1999mar05. [Products: Here's something I've never wondered about. How does normal waste leave a nuclear power facility? Turns out most facilities just treat ALL their waste as contaminated, even if it's not. Well, at least, according to this company.|http://www.helge.com/brc.htm]

1999mar05. Outdoor Advertising In Latin America. These photos probably could be focused even less, but you'd have to work at it.

1999mar05. The previous link reminded me of this old website which I had always hoped would continue, but just sort of sits there year after year. I need a drink.

1999mar05. A sushi web site. Nice animations. Sort of reminds me of that scene in Delicatessan with the old woman watching TV with the picture of the rotating cake/pie display. Yes, like that.

1999mar06. Pixbarn: Bikini remote control.

Ahem. Well, errrumm, this is a TV remote, and (ahem) excuse me ... anyway, you change the channels by pressing... by pressing the...

NEXT SLIDE!

1999mar07. Mail.

Yeah, yeah, Haw Flakes!! My rad friend Alisa discovered them at some store in ChinaTown in Boston (where she goes to skool...) She shipped some back to her brother (whose computer I am using.) Nobody here actually likes them (you're so right about the aftertaste) but we eat em' now and then anyway. I could go for one right now! They WERE right around here somewhere ...

While I was in Chinatown I picked up some more Haw Flakes. I have discovered some additional properties about Haw Flakes that might come in handy to the Haw Flake-eating public, and maybe even yourself. The aftertaste isn't really present if you KEEP eating them. Which I think is a big reason the ten-packs seem to go so fast. Once you stop, though, you should be ready to give your teeth a good scrubbin'.

There are two manufacturers of Haw Flakes, which I don't understand, because their individual packages look extremely similar. The outer plastic wrap is different ‒ there is one manufacturer that shows a picture of the Hawthorne flower (Shan Zha Bing), and one that does not (Sunflower). I found that the ten-packs usually hover around fifty cents, and that the Shan Zha Bing flakes seem to be sticking together a lot more than the Sunflower ones. I would go with Sunflower brand at this time. Perhaps I just got a bad batch of Shan Zha Bing. Perhaps someone from Shan Zha Bing will write to me demanding that I change my editorial.

1999mar07. Mail.

I just kind of stumbled on to your site, and boy am I glad I did! This is terrific! Keep it up! Don't ever leave! Please!

Sincerely,

Mandy

The day I received this note, I was just pulling the plug on the whole operation. But I can't leave now, or "ever" ‒ because Mandy said I could not. I hope you're happy, Mandy ... I hope you're happy. (2006: You know Mandy doesn't read anymore. You can sense it. In the air.) (2017: Mandy?)

1999mar07. Mail.

My 14 inch donuts! Hi I am the best donut man, and feel that you are underestimating my donuts. They are truly delicous and full flavored to the biggest donut critics. 14 inch donuts are a real novelty and an art in it's own right. Please rewrite your editorial on us. Once bitten twice back.

Mr. Donut Man:

My two-part donut-domain review column! You have not taken the time to actually read and digest (get it?) my review of your donut-related domain. There is no discussion about your donuts per se, but they are used as a analogy to criticize the bigger trend of product expansion that seems to be a major U.S. obsession these days, from the oversized, drape-like pants teenagers are wearing to insanely large coffee cups and other consumables. It's an old cork, and it's been beaten to death, but I have no shame.

I also find your request to "rewrite" my editorial disturbing. You are apparently unfamiliar with the term "freedom of the press." It is no surprise to me, as the press itself also seems to have no idea either.

If you would like a favorable review of your actual freakishly large donuts, you could send one (donut) along to our corporate offices. This would be a "comp" (donut), which means "free" (donut). That's how the press works. I mean, yes, the press does occasionally buy things, but it's all written off. I can't write anything off, so you're going to have to spring for the fourteen-inch donut, Mr. Donut Man. I could really use a fourteen-inch donut in my life right now.

1999mar07. Privacy: As if anyone needs any more reasons to avoid Windows 98.

1999mar08. It's Monday! What a glorious day! I love Mondays because then I get to go back to work! You're all excited as well, aren't you?

Anyway. This week is going to be a little "off." I mean, I don't really have time to be doing much this week. And I'm going on vacation starting Thursday, so there's that. So much for my commitment to daily Cardhouse quality. Snort. So it's going to be all loose for three days, then nothing for about a week, then I'll be back to let YOU know that I can really shake 'em down. Also, I really liked the blue text color from Friday so I'm trying it today. Like I've said before, the only color that looks the same on all monitors is black, so I tend to get pretty discouraged when I'm selecting other colors. But then I do some drugs and my troubles seem to melt away. Drugs: The Trouble-Melterers.

I ransacked Chinatown this weekend for more Hell Notes and actually ended up buying some other Hell-oriented stuff like Hell Gold. These fake gold ingots have the words "HELL BANK" printed on them. This fake gold cost me fifty cents. The package is five and one-fourth inches by four inches by one-fourth of an inch.

1999mar08. Privacy: This keeps getting funnier! Turns out Windows 98 sends a unique registration number along with your name, address, and unique ethernet location back to Microsoft. They apparently "never considered" the privacy implications. Cough. Cough.

1999mar08. All About Vending Machines: gumballs, eggs, poetry chapbooks, gasoline, french fries, corn, panties previously worn by schoolgirls, marijuana, you know, the usual stuff. [rw]

1999mar08. RoboShop serves up everything from comic books to sushi. This is #1 on my travel list right now. WANT TO ROBOSHOP! Anyone else up for a trip? And what a great logo!

1999mar08. The Surface Transportation Policy Project, an environmental group, has released a list of "worst aggressive driving regions and states." Their criteria for "aggressiveness" is determined by deaths per 100,000 people (deaths by... vehicular homicide? It is not ascertained). This is completely idiotic. Take a look at their list ‒ Boston does NOT appear in the city list. What DOES appear are cities with a high concentration of the elderly, whether as residents (Miami) or tourists (Las Vegas). Your little metric is a complete sham, STPP. But I suppose the STPP doesn't want to target areas that already have a solid mass-transit infrastructure. Is that it, STPP, is THAT it?

1999mar08. Some fast food chains in the United Kingdom are declaring themselves to be free of genetically-modified food, which is mostly manufactured in the United States. So what's the status of GM food in the United States? I personally do not know. Here's a UK Q&A about genetically-modified food. Here's something about the danger of GM food as shown via an artificial gut. Here's an old AgBiz Tiller article (scroll down to 10/4/96) about GM nonsense from Monsanto. Still can't find anything current. Here's (apparently) the FDA press release approving the Flavr-Saver tomato back in 1994. Here's some problems with Monsanto's Roundup Ready GM cotton. And FINALLY, the information I was looking for in the first place: an article about what types of GM food US citizens are already consuming without knowing it.

1999mar08. Japan travel and tourism. I'm SERIOUS! ROBOSHOP! ROBOSHOP!

1999mar09. Mail.

I like cheese, as does everyone, and I was wondering if you could offer me any cheese, in exchange for one of my limbs (preferably my left leg, although I am open to offers). A nice slice of French Brie would go down well right about now I think, but please hurry with your response, as I have also contacted that well-known cheese-breeder and guy-who-loves-to-hold -severed-limbs Anthony Hopkins.

I do enjoy the cheese. But I do not have any cheese on me at the moment. I don't really buy cheese, either, but I do buy products that have cheese on them. I don't really look for products that specifically have cheese, per se, but it is not something I avoid, either. I also have no use for any of your limbs, so even if I did have cheese (and I do not), I would probably keep the cheese and not trade you for the limb. I haven't had Brie in quite some time and I do agree that that would be a good cheese to have. Now.

1999mar09. Okay. I'm sort of tired, so I'm just going to run this item by you today and then I'm going to finish up this dish of ice cream and go to bed. I wasn't even going to put something up for today but someone named "Mandy" wrote in today and said "Keep it up! Don't ever leave! Please!" So I'm trapped here in this little home page world. Thanks a Sultan of Brunillion, Mandy.

This is some more of the Hell Notes stuff. In addition to all of the notes that are available, you can pick up various sundry items, notions, to burn. There was a very well-done little fake toothbrush, fake toothpaste ("Darkie" brand, actually a real brand of toothpaste), and fake cup for six dollars. I like you a lot, but you're not worth six dollars to me at this point, it would have been pretty hard to cram in the flatbed, I'm too lazy to take pictures, etc. So I bought this for one dollar.

Lookin' stylish ‒ in hell! I know as much about this kit as you do. It's all made of paper ‒ paper watch, paper rings, a paper ballpoint pen, etc, and I guess those are fake glasses at the top of the photo. That, or this is some sort of Hell Robin costume kit.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I will be discussing the multitudes of idiots that arrive at Cardhouse by accident by typing very stupid things into search engines, with actual examples. It'll be a hootenanny, don't miss it. Then I'll go on vacation for a week or so.

1999mar09. In God We Trust ‒ all others wait off the US coast for, say, a year?

1999mar09. Another NASA boondoggle. We are learning much more about the atmosphere of incompetency surrounding NASA than we are learning about space. Space is cold and empty. Give it up. You're losers. Roll NASA's budget into Amtrak. Wait, better yet, give the money back. Give the money back. Thank you.

1999mar09. New stuff at Gallery of Regrettable Food -- check out those yummy Benedictish Frankwiches! [hg]

1999mar09. Here's a better definition of just what metrics the STPP uses to define an aggressive driving death. Among other deciding factors, they eliminate deaths in which alcohol or drugs were used. This is because, as we all know, alcohol and drugs do not promote aggressive behavior.

1999mar10. All aboard for freedom! [rw]

The gargantuan Freedom Boat
Is preparing for its inaugural run
The gargantuan Freedom Boat
Promises some kind of freakish mile-long translantic floating tax paradise for everyone

Will this boat make a stopover at New Utopia? Will there be a big FREEDOM FIGHT? "We are the FREEDOMEST!" "No, WE are!" (they fight.) Perhaps they could also stop at Sealand.

1999mar10. More independent islands, trouble in Sealand, etc

1999mar10. New Country White Paper at Free Nation Foundation

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Bob H.)

These files are decades old, nurse! Please discard them on the street.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

This man is very hairy.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

It is not often, your honor, that the court is lucky enough to possess a photo of the moment in time immediately proceeding the catastrophic accident, but here you can clearly see the plaintiffs taking their first step down what we have labelled "Exhibit A."

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

Caption: "Sufee Absolutly poooochhedd"

This is one of those dogs that needs to be slapped around. I can sense it. It's a tiny little shit that has a world of attitude. I remember another dog like this, every time we went over our friend's house this tiny little dog would bark and bark and bark and wouldn't shut up even though everyone yelled at it. So one time while it was doing this, my friend took an ice cube from his limited-edition fast food soft drink collector's cup and chucked it at the dog in frustration. Wasn't really aiming anywhere. Hit the dog right between the eyes.

It shut up, and never bothered us again. Now that's a beautiful love story.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

If I had a dog and I took him to the pet store, I would train him to eat things there so I wouldn't have to pay for dog food. "Oh, Buster got into the Dog Chow again?!?!? I'm so SORRY..." 'Course, that would only work so long, then it's back to the shelter for Buster.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

This is one of my favorite found photos. This person was interrupted halfway through preparing a large number of sandwiches by the thought that this moment should be captured for all posterity.

Making sandwiches.

"Here's a photo of the sandwiches I served THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."

I'm trying out scenarios here. Trying to get in this person's head. Why. Always trying to figure out... why. A key component of any good found photo.

"These were the POISONED SANDWICHES that I gave to MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR. Remember, when the ambulance came?"

"I had one picture left on the roll, so I took a picture of some stupid HALF-FINISHED SANDWICHES."

Yes.

1999mar11. Mail.

It's no wonder the Czech republic is in turmoil, those little boys were always trouble! Have you ever found out what "CHRANTE DETI" means?
-- Inky

Yes. It is now on the Children In Distress page.

1999mar12. Mail.

cute matchbox labels!
... just wanted to tell you that the little bottle a boy holds in front of a medicine box states: "JED" meaning "poison"!!!???

thejda

1999mar12. Wednesday! Things go better with Wednesday™.

Today I would like to look at the Cardhouse referrer logs. This a log file that tells me where people came from, what pages they used to get to a page here, or what web search terms lead them here. It is both amusing and distressing. Amusing in that people are idiots; distressing in that a lot of people are probably jumping to a Cardhouse page thinking it is something else entirely.

Is that such a bad thing?

I am glad you asked that. Yes. I am curious as to what is interesting to people. I am putting this up for my own benefit, so when I'm 70 and senile I can look at the website and say "I spent way too much time indoors" or even "MY LEGS! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN LEGS!" But since these people are coming into Cardhouse on a "bad trip," it is clear that they're not getting anything out of the deal. I thought about changing the wording in each of the pages so people don't end up finding them during searches, but as Doc has discovered, THAT doesn't even work (see below).

I am going to stop typing and show you some of the search terms people are using. When you click on a term phrase, it will take you to the page they visited. Suckers.

This page will only be up for one day, since I don't want those nasty web robots indexing THIS page, as remote as the chance might be. These are search phrases pointed at stuff I was involved with:

bowling ball polisher

pure passion memphis

crime scene photos
lotta demand for this one office screwing

dancing carrots

where can i find photos on san cabos

Doc has his own problems:

Saudi jobs

violence in the media

mexican advertisement

procter and gamble church of satan

Photographic Equip Supplies Retail In Georgia

Are there times when it is approrpriate to lie or should we always tell the truth
what is this, magic 8-ball? REPLY HAZY

when do people dream
MY SOURCES SAY NO

KIT MODELS OF BIG RIGS

man at phone booth

[nude breasts -fuck -puss -wet
-hard -hardcore -dick -lolita|www.deuceofclubs.com/smut.htm]
you get what you deserve

sexy crossed legs

cough syrup meth

Exploding Inca ruins

body cavity search

And on and on it goes. This is just from three or four days of referral log analysis. Oops, today's report JUST came in. Let's pick one from today. Here's a nice one.

stop signs traffic signs motorists bicycle cyclists bicyclist bicyclists intersections pedestrian bus transit buses sidewalks Transportation sewers parking Lane City parked vehicle vehicles speeders mph speed ride riders riding pavement Highway driving

It's good that they were so specific, because they got EXACTLY what they were looking for. Doc actually went to some trouble to change some of the "sex" references in one of his web pages to "secks" and even now people are searching for "hard secks" because they can't even SPELL THE WORD SEX and they're getting to Doc's page anyway..."I NOW WHAT I WANT, MAN, GIVV ME THE HART SECKS!!!"

Sigh. It makes me want to just close up shop. But, like I mentioned yesterday, Mandy said I can't leave.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I will have more pictures of Hell Notes. Or I will not, because I have to prepare for my trip. I like to put things off until the last minute, then not do them at all. Prospective employers are impressed by my commitment to leisure. "TWELVE WEEKS OFF? PEOPLE IN FRANCE DON'T EVEN GET TWELVE WEEKS OFF!" Sacre Bleu!

1999mar13. Mail.

Hi! I like your article about Little People. I too enjoyed the toys as a child. I get mine in great condition and now think I might collect these. Thanks for the tips on how to find these great toys of our past.
Cool web site.

It is also "rad."

1999mar13. Mail.

thank you. yeah, thanks. im drinking wine and reading all about your vacations to burning man. funny funny. tee hee ... liking it. so, im going to be sending you one dollar. and i expect to have more of your words in my mail bucket. am i correct?
love you

over and out
amanda.

Yes. My rate of return is rather haggard these days, though. I wouldn't run to the mailbox everyday, perhaps a lite jog would suffice.

1999mar14. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

This is a boat. The sign reads "CORPS OF ENGINEERS U.S. ARMY MEMPHIS TENNESSEE." This is an army boat. The US93PAD Tactical Paddleboat.

1999mar17. Mail.

Hi, re: Czech child in peril --
"chrante" means "watch out" or, interestingly enough, "you whore" in czech and "deti" is "children" or "young ones." Kind of obvious, but still entertaining.

saf

1999mar17. Pranks: Omissions Create Opportunities.

[vacation. all i ever wanted. vacation. have to get away.]

1999mar17. Pranks: We Are Luther Blisset

1999mar17. Day traders have ALL THE FUN

1999mar17. Excellent Matt Groening interview with details about the Bunnyhop incident [rw]

1999mar17. The self-cleaning public toilets of San Francisco await! I've seen similar-looking kiosks in SF and now I'm wondering if they were toilets or not. If they were, shame on the people who told me they weren't ‒ if they weren't, shame on the designers for making toilets and non-toilets look so similar. More on this tomorrow, as I'm going into the city. Look for me there. I'll be wearing a shirt.

1999mar18. I am back from my whirlwind Portland/Vancouver vacation. I took some notes. Not enough to create a coherent travelogue. I don't do much of that anymore. Now I just throw some things up in the air and let you, the patient reader, figure out the underlying themeatic elements, even if there aren't any.

Because of all the human traits I hold dear, my favorite is the underlying desire to make sense of a random, chaotic world.

I like when you do that. It brings a smile to my tired face.

----

The first thing I have to say about driving to Portland is that it is just a little too far. When I used to drive from Detroit to New Jersery or New York City, that was okay. 660 miles, give or take 20. The drive from Detroit to Boston, which is actually a bit farther, was at least broken up by driving through Canada (yes. check a map, my friend) and the prospect of being pulled over by a Canadian police officer. What happens then? Who knows. "I'm just taking a short-cut, officer, don't mind me."

But Portland is about 700 miles away from where I am living now. Combined with the mountains, that is really too far. Unfortunately, I found Portland to be a rather pleasant place to drag about, so I'll be visiting there in the future. By plane, I guess.

My trip started out with a nasty surprise. I-5 is quite sparse with the speed limit signs. You'll drive for fifty miles and not see one. Less government for The People, but no speed limit signs means the officers can just make up speed limits - "oh, the speed limit is 47 mph today."

There's not much to say about driving in California otherwise. There's an interesting stretch of I-80 just out of San Francisco that's populated by some strange undecipherable tourist traps, some closed, some open: "The Milk Farm," "The Nut Tree," etc... The Milk Farm, although closed, had a few working lights at the top of their sign. That's going to be some electrical bill a decade from now. The Olive Pit offers "free olive tasting," "sandwiches," and "shakes." Never having had an olive shake, I pulled in. Too many olives. Back in the car.

One thing I keep meaning to do is document the strange differences in rest area amenities ‒ I'm sure other people would understand why I was snapping picture of sinks and hand dryers. Rest areas seem to be in some sort of nationwide contest to offer the weary traveler the best and worst in ergonomic and hygenic design ‒ California rest area sinks, for example, are sometimes equipped with a small metal handle hanging from the faucet. To turn it on, you have to push the lever. THAT'S intuitive.

Oregon restrooms have the best arrangement for toilet paper dispensers. One long bar, six rolls. Your chance of getting a roll distributed the way you like (over or under) is highly probable, unless your bar has been filled by someone who REALLY CARES about that sort of thing, as I have encountered ("everybody gets over and everybody's going to LIKE it!"). Oregon restrooms also have sub-par sinks, long shallow metal affairs that are almost big enough to wash cafeteria trays in. They remind me of Utah urinals without the special contours especially designed to return as much urine to you as possible. Utah toilet paper dispensers are similarly engineered ‒ up to eight rolls are stacked VERTICALLY in a contraption that only lets you access the bottom one. The significant weight of seven other rolls of toilet paper means you're going to spend a long time getting enough to do the job, and if you run out you have to rip off the cardboard to get the next roll to come down. Avoid going to the bathroom in Utah whenever possible. Or, as I've always said, fast food restaurants serve one purpose and one purpose only.

HEAD NOW
3-11 THURS NIGHT
TRUCKERS CH3
-- bathroom grafitti

Oregon is the proud home of The Enchanted Forest, a small amusement park tucked into a hill off of exit 248. A billboard advertises a "log flume ride." An ENCHANTED log flume ride, obviously.

There was a golf course next to the freeway -- I saw a golfing group progressing from hole to hole. It made me sad. But then, fifty miles later, there was another freeway-side golf course. This time, a group of eight people were surrounding a flag. One man leaned over. Pulled back for the putt.

HONKKKKKK!!!! HONK HONK HONK!!!!

I silently thanked Jesus Christ for the opportunity to showcase my expert timing skills.

Oregon also has something called a "speedometer check." These are on the side of the road. Each mile is marked off for five miles. That's the "speedometer check." You know, as if the mile markers weren't good enough, as if you want to compute a 60mph speed check while the speed limit is actually 65mph, as if you want to compute this speed check over hills and around curves, which is where they put two of them.

There were many lambs in Oregon. They are always eating. There's never a bold non-eating lamb facing into the wind, head held proud, leading the eating lambs into the next field. They're all just chowing down. In one field, they calmly ate in front of the large billboard advertising a lamb service which could be reached at 1-800-A-LAMB-4-U. I don't have enough grass for such a lamb-4-me.

There were other things on the road, but I've forgotten them. I'm sure they were important.

1999mar18. Mail.

I was curious about "Chrante Deti," so I went through some search engines and found out that it means "Watch out, kids!" Chrante = watch out!, gleaned from the Czech-English web dictionary.

Deti = kids, from a Czech kiddie web site that has an english translation of the title.

[I found this before I found the on-line dictionary, which I'm sure would also have 'deti' in there.]

Dr. Berk

1999mar18. Mail.

Can I help erase evil if I burn a "Draner"? (If you dont know, a Draner is a semi-fictional banknote issued at Drano village, Burning Man '98)

OoooooOOOOH!!! I didn't know they were passing out MONEY! [kicking self] GRRRR! GRR! As far as helping to erase evil, even if a burning a Draner had some sort of helpful effect, my guess is that you would have to burn five million tons of Draners to have any sort useful outcome, and then, well, you've got all that Draner pollution so the whole operation sort of cancels itself out.

1999mar18. Mail.

hi there, tk2k here again!

life is beautiful now because /
weather is good /
and ap news alerts ding dong /
the violent witch stories /
are dead in today's sun

anyway i was wondering if you would like to join me in my webjockey project? i will pay you some small dollars, as well as you will gain international fame and acclaim!!

please let me know if you are interested and we can discuss details

What?

1999mar18. The Light on the Net Project allows you to turn a 7x7 grid of lights on and off ‒ the grid is displayed in Japan's Gifu Softopia Center and has been active since 1996. I had to battle two other people to create the heavenly vision you see below. A pal suggests that I call it "The Message of Friendship." I agree. [m]

1999mar19. [the phone rings. the answering machine picks up the same time I do, and begins recording.]

Me: Hello?
Jenny: Hello make I speak to Mark Simple?
Me: Yeah, who is this?
Jenny: This is Jenny Lastname calling on behalf of AT&T...
Me: Oh, I'm sorry! Bye! [click]

[the answering machine still is recording, and keeps the line open. Jenny is unaware]

Jenny: I don't get that one...I don't understand...okay, when someone goes...uh, may I speak with Mark Simple...Yeah, this is he. Who's this? My name is Jenny Lastname calling on behalf of from AT&T... [nasally voice] OH, I'M SORRY! BYE! [end nasally voice] What do you do?
Unknown: He hung up on you.
Jenny: Yeah.
Unknown: [unintelligble]
Jenny: Retard.
Me (picking up phone): "Excuse me? I fucking HEARD THAT!" [click]

Jenny is apparently the last person in the world to find out that some people don't want to be called by a telemarketer during dinner. Perhaps this is all my fault. Perhaps I should have been more excited. Perhaps Jenny should have enunciated and/or spelled her last name so I could properly report her to her superiors when I send in my chopped-up AT&T credit card and/or sic some telemarketers on her since we're all supposed to just drop everything and run to the phone, breathless and estatic that WE were chosen to receive a call from JENNY, THE TELEMARKETER FROM HEAVEN.

You can't win with AT&T. If they smell money in the air, they'll hound you until you die. I've asked nicely, I've cursed up a storm, but they just won't goddamn leave me alone.

It's time for revenge ‒ CARDHOUSE STYLE

1999mar19. Time for a little Smackerel of something.

1999mar19. Bad designs for good people

1999mar19. Pranks: Alan Abel strikes again. [os]

1999mar19. Longish article about The Onion and their new book with a bizarre analogy: "The pages of Our Dumb Century resemble Wendy's restaurant tabletops..." ‒ ummm, YES, because the tabletops were created from a collage of turn-of-the-century newspapers ... [burying head in hands] [rw]

1999mar19. Glad I bothered to scan that newspaper page, when it was already here.

1999mar19. Perhaps there is a reason there isn't a "trunk release" button inside the trunk of automobiles. I'm not sure what that reason would be.

1999mar19. It's late at night. I put on a little Debussy, sit back with a glass of wine, and watch the spam scroll by. "The most incredible part of our business is that ALL MY CLIENTS CALL ME!" I cry a small tear, because life is beautiful and so is www.cspam.com.

1999mar20. One of the four-color glossies for these gumball machines reads "Extremely RELIABLE for customers that DEMAND SATISFACTION" ... I just want a freakin' GUMBALL here, Tex. The vending factory machine looks sort of interesting, looks like you can make a "mix" of different types of candy and it's all automated and WHAT AM I SAYING!??? It's JUST A GUMBALL MACHINE!

1999mar20. Let me get this right. You're tracking "sliding rocks" as they tootle along in Death Valley. There are over 150 of them. And you've given each of them names. Carmen. Layla. Marion. Mamie. Pamela. AND NONE OF THEM ARE NAMED "MARK"??? Oh, only female names. Never mind. Here is a nice photo of two rocks engaged in a friendly game of "racies." [doc]

1999mar20. Americans: A Portrait. "Gosh, honey, what should we do with all of this embezzled money?" "Let's RACE HOT RODS!"

1999mar21. [ Ho ho! Those journalist jesters comprising the Gridiron club have certainly crafted a keen send-up of the current administration! Har! [jamming gun barrel in my mouth]

1999mar21. Fan-created trailer for Star Wars using South Park characters (13.6 meg; realaudio available)

1999mar21. FinchCam, baby, FINCHCAM! [rw]

1999mar21. Oooh, make your own gif labels! Several different options: fonts, colors, filters, etc

1999mar21. Hello, WHAT'S THIS? A video of Clinton making a play for a flight attendant?

1999mar22. Let's all go on a tour of a Japanese chocolate factory! Come on! COME ON ALREADY!

1999mar22. I was trying to find some good [ Chris Ware pages ‒ images that would encompass his work as a whole ‒ but I couldn't find anything that seemed full enough ... this is probably the best of the lot.|http://home.claranet.fr/gregg/du9/actu/underg/ware/ware.html] Here is a serial presentation of some of his work, here is a good review, here is an interview.

1999mar22. Camworld is a well-organized weblog with lists of other weblogs and such.

1999mar22. Pranks: A Duck Called Ping [cd]

1999mar22. Oh ... oh ... my head is going to explode ... oh, just noticed crude Asian stereotype!

1999mar22. LOOK OUT! IT'S THE GIANT VIVA PUFFS ROBOT! -- just one part of Eboy

1999mar22. A tale of web-design woe [pm]

1999mar22. The History of Large-Letter Postcards [pm]

1999mar23. Mail.

I really enjoy your text. You made me laugh and laughing is very important. I like your personality (ies). You're awesome ... all of you!

akb

We are not a big deal. Look how much more beloved The Backstreet Boys are, for example. That was my Backstreet Boys reference for 1999. I am done now. All gone.

1999mar23. Eat the Beatles: well-done Beatle edible collectibles site.

1999mar23. This is even better than the Homeless Shopping Cart idea...Wiley, you keep topping yourself.

1999mar23. Here's an old story about an online user-makes-CD-track-selection company ("MY-CD") shutting down due to pressure from the oily fat cats in charge of the music industry. Here's a recent story about a user-makes-CD-track-selection vending machine called... "MyCD."

1999mar23. Nike raises entry-level wages ONE DOLLAR AND SEVENTY CENTS A MONTH bringing the total for each worker to THIRTY SEVEN DOLLARS AND FOURTEEN CENTS A MONTH ... Jesus Christ, I don't know what I'd do with all that moola...Bless you, Nike, bless you! Here's an earlier assessment of "Satan's Factory."

1999mar23. Sniff-N-Grab: Portland police are getting around needing a warrant by offering to shake hands with a suspected pot grower while on their front porch ‒ then the officer pulls the suspect out of their house and arrests them. Read here for the larger article; there's an update here which concerns the phone taps at American Agriculture.

1999mar23. Hackers want to win backpacks! But they cannot! Must...crack...code... But as it turns out, that story is three days old, and NOW look who's in the catbird sea t... those crazy hackers got inside the site and went HOG WILD

1999mar23. That damned monkey has already kicked out seven Bob Greene columns. [mp]

1999mar23. Hahahaha! Die, broadcasters! Die!

1999mar23. Pixbarn: Toys R Us ad.

The comment to the upper-right reads "BE THE ENVY OF YOUR PEER GROUP!" Since I had to explain this to at least two people, I'll say it here: that is what is sometimes called a "creative addition" that "slipped by the corporate office." You may laugh heartily ... now.

1999mar23. Mail.

Online dictionaries aren't the optimal means of translating a complex language. The matchbox messages are directed at adults rather than children. "Chrante" is the imperative of the verb meaning to protect or safeguard and, in this case, "deti" is the sentence's direct object.

carl

1999mar23. Lots of dingbats

1999mar23. Know Your Customer is not missed.

1999mar23. Forfeiture laws considered. I'd rather have read "Forfeiture laws repealed," but there can only be so much good news in any given day.

1999mar23. James Gleick's site. Perhaps I'll come back when you can actually read the page with Netscape on a PC. It's a freaking disaster area. [pm]

1999mar23. Necco has a list of "major products" -- they seem to list everything BUT their "candy stix" line (which was renamed from "candy cigarettes" awhile ago). I am still looking for candy cigarettes. I want all the candy cigarettes. All. I like the candy navigational buttons.

1999mar23. A tribute to the 3.5 gallon toilet bowl that will stir the patriotic pudding in your gut [cd]

1999mar23. Privacy: Wouldn't it be "fun" to turn over your driver's license to a cashier everytime you wanted to purchase alcohol or cigarettes? You know, so they could swipe it through a little reader that would confirm your age. It's all for the children. We have to protect the children.

1999mar24. This just came in over the Teletubby Wire: Wal-Mart is producing Telebutty knock-off dolls called "Bubbly Chubbies" -- they sit on the shelves next to the originals. They're being sued by Itsy Bitsy. The Bubbly Chubbies are purebred EVIL ‒ you press the button on their tummies and their eyes light up BLOOD RED. This is not explained in the article, but then again, there is this quote.

But Rev Falwell has since denied "outing" the Teletubby, whose favourite pastimes tend to involve eating custard and skipping.

You see, Jerry? You two have a lot in common! Actually, I enjoy both of these activities as well. [groaner coming up ] Does that mean I'm a Teletubby?

1999mar24. Qui est Avril Mars? Rowr de Rowr!

1999mar24. This entry originally pointed to a news article in the Windsor Star about a controversial painting, which was included here really only because of the following phrases: "naked skinhead miners," "full anal flaunt" and "Toronto-centric." Then, seconds later, the url disappeared. Maybe it will pop up later - try it yourself. Oops, now it's back. Ah.

1999mar24. I can't get this damned speech out of my head. Anyone have a hammer?

1999mar24. You REALLY need to waste time at work? Unca Cecil put up all of his columns since May of 1994! Yikes!

1999mar24. Old Teletubbies Wire Update: TELECHOBIS

1999mar24. Americans: A Series. You stupid CHILDREN! You LEARNED the MANY PROCEDURES! Now SNITCH! SNITCH ON YOUR FELLOW CLASSMATE, COMRADES! Perhaps you would like to spend a night in the box! Okay! That's it! Have it your way! You are ALL suspended! I hope you've learned your lesson! [os]

1999mar24. Penguins: King Penguins flying from Japan to Cincinnati

1999mar24. Slate is now available for free. Great. I am a big fan of Randy Cohen's Newsquiz. Click. Click now.

Admin. I was going to make a nice big "Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog" sign for the top of this page then I realized that maybe this might create the wrong impression with your immediate supervisor as he or she passes by your monitor. "Sexy" is one of those words that sets off alarms with the suits. So let's keep it low-key for now. Perhaps I will change the name to "The Extremely Important Job-Related Working For A Living Dragging The Line Double-Time, Boss" Weblog.

1999mar25. Sushi Wire: One school offers sushi for lunch, is "surprised" that it sold out??? [os]

1999mar25. What Death: The Webbies. [os]

1999mar25. Monsanto summary

1999mar25. Years ago, I suggested that the next big credit trend would be credit cards for kids. What I didn't know is that the little bastards would get a better savings interest rate than my bank.

1999mar25. Earlier last year I received several "wrong-number" calls concerning the Phantom Universal all-in-one cable descrambler device. Prior to this barrage of calls, I had no idea what the "Phantom Universal" was. Apparently the person who had my phone number before me used to sell these things. I get the impression that they were "black market" devices and I can understand why my new friend never wanted to leave his phone number. It's a shame when small businesses won't support their clientèle.

Nov 24. Call #1.

Yeah, I'm calling about the Phantom Universal ... I'm trying to return it, and no one is answering the phone... (explanation goes on for two minutes)

He left no return phone number; I was at the whim of his next call. No. I do not want any more rambling Phantom Universal calls. I changed the outgoing message.

Hi, you've reached the phone number of a private residence. We have no idea what the Phantom Universal Unit is ... please stop calling! Thank you.

Nov 25. Call #2.

You have no idea what the Phantom is ... when everybody else has ordered and bought one from you? I'm just calling because you was supposed to pay return shipping on one that I returned cuz it didn't work and you refused to pay it and after you told me you would you don't answer the phone when anyone calls ...

Nov 25. Call #3.

Yeah, y'all bunch of a fucking liars ... and sooner or later you're gonna have to answer the phone ...

Please note the incorrect use of "y'all." I believe either of the following phrases would have been correct. I could be wrong.

"All y'all bunch of a fucking liars"
"Y'all's a fucking liar."

I also changed the outgoing message again.

This message is for the gentleman who keeps calling about the Phantom Universal Unit, I have no knowledge of said unit, you've been given a wrong number, please stop calling.

Nov 27. Call #4.

Yeah, yer a bunch of fucking pussies, you sell shit, and you must get in trouble for it ... act like you don't know what I'm talking about...

This is the correct use of "yer," a contraction of "you are" ‒ in this case, "you are a bunch of fucking pussies."

Now normally, I don't mind being called a pussy. But a bunch of fucking pussies? That was over the line. Now I went on the offensive, as I am wont to do. First, I changed my outgoing message again.

Howdy, you've reached [phone number], if you leave your name, address and phone number, we'll get back with you.

Then I created a clipboard of handy things to say like "new employee" and "we're sorry for any inconvenience", etc, just in case he called again. I was ready to play it up, for one reason, and one reason only: to get his damned phone number, name, address, ANYTHING that would allow me to put his stats into my "prank until death" file. It's a small, reasonable list of people who had to really work to get on it. In hindsight, I should have started on this path right away, but I didn't know he was going to keep calling. I've learned my lesson. Perhaps I should get Caller ID.

Saturday we made "first contact," as it were. I was still sleeping (it was 11am) so I tried, through the fog of half-sleep, to convince him that I was going to take care of everything if he'd just give me his stupid name and phone number. No dice. He hung up and never called again.

Pussy.

1999mar25. I bought some sushi at Trader Joe's today along with a bunch of other stuff. So I had the sushi, and then immediately had a few Trader Joe's Cinnamon Schoolhouse Cookies which just totally erased the taste memory of the sushi. That was dumb.

1999mar26. A fairly-extensive list of juggling as portrayed in the motion picture arts.

Cat People (1982)
The Cat People originated way back in time, when humans sacrificed their women to Leopards, who mated with them. Cat People look similar to humans, but must mate with other Cat People. We follow brother and sister ‒ who seem to be the only ones of their kind left. This has a scene of about 30 seconds in which Nastassja Kinski does a very bad three ball cascade and half juggles 3 balls with Malcolm McDowell.

Side Show (1981)
Made for TV movie. Reported to contain juggling.

Streetwise (1984)
Gritty but poignant documentary looks at the lives of teenagers living on the streets of Seattle. It includes about two seconds of basic devil sticking.

Friday is always a slow day here at It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog weblog.

1999mar26. San Francisco for-profit ValueStar explained.

1999mar26. Self-deprecating signs IN THE NEWS!

1999mar26. Gasoline GOOD news: MTBE gas-and-ground additive now banned in California

1999mar26. Gasoline BAD news: California gas prices go up AGAIN after second refinery explosion in a month (good luck finding anything under $1.45/gal)

1999mar26. Two Japanese articles in Neo-Tokyo for your reading pleasure: Fear of speaking Japanese in Japan and Japanese Valentine's Day (and White Day) explained

1999mar26. Jenny Holzer has a "add/change truisms" page. She also has an online archive (you have to add/change a truism to get to the archive) that naturally has a full spectrum of maxim-oriented thought:

SLIPPING INTO MADNESS IS USUALLY A BIG MESS
A A A BOUGHT AND SOLD USED CARS PUTNEY
WE'RE ONE GUNSHOT AWAY FROM HAPPINESS
WALLACE WEARS BOYS PANTS
IT IS NICE TO MEET GIRLS IN PARK, BUT IT IS BETTER TO PARK MEAT IN GIRLS
AT TIMES INACTIVITY IS PREFERABLE TO MURDERING MONKEYS
EATING TOO MUCH IS COOL
FALLING FREE, YOU AND ME, I FEEL LOVE!
HATE MY WATCH? WELL IN A WAY BECAUSE ITS A 325 DOLLAR WATCH THAT MY EX GIRLFRIEND GAVE ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME I STILL ADMIRE ITS DESIGN AND IT KEEPS PERFECT TIME
SHORT MORONIC BUMPER STICKER MAXIM

I wonder who added that last one.

1999mar28. Mail.

What a lovely site ‒ I found it through Cruel.Com and stayed to read all the in-consequential rubbish. Interesting wants list ‒ I think I have the complete Monty Python 1 & 2 if it's the scripts you're after, although it's been a long time since I looked. you're welcome to them if you want them. Cheers, Drew

1999mar28. War Correspondence.

An article about Doc & the Mojave phone booth recently ran in the Serbo-Croatian version of PC World magazine. A Yugoslavian reader sent Doc some email and they have continued correspondence during the NATO bombing.

Subject: drop in anytime
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 23:29:50 +0100

today the yu ministry of defense declared the state of emergency (state of direct war threat, literally translated)
there is a military installation not far from my home, so you can drop in with one of the bombers for a cup of coffee

anyway, i haven't heard of the comic book author [back story: an Italian comic book author has indicated that the Mojave phone booth will be used in an upcoming story], but i'd like to get my hands on the croatian edition if it ever comes out

if i don't get a nato bomb in my backyard for free

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Wed, 24 Mar 1999 21:38:14 +0100

hi. guess what, they did it! they bombed areas of Pristina, Novi Sad, Podgorica and Bg. My mother dragged us all down to the atomic shelter, but me & dad came up with some story and went up to watch the news... oops, my sister just came in, she said that cnn says there's gonna be another, bigger strike... i'll check now... catch you later, amigo!

v

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Thu, 25 Mar 1999 11:06:38 +0100

another attack started at 9:30 this morning... they're playing old war movies on the three channels of the national tv. i'm staying at home this time, having decided it is pretty much safe... i'll check my mail regularly. what has washington said? i haven't heard...

v

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Thu, 25 Mar 1999 23:29:25 +0100

>serb radio (unconfirmed report) is reporting (but you probably already know this) that at least one missile struck a building housing about 600 people near zarkovo.

it has to be a dud. i live less than 1km away from the center of zarkovo, and haven't heard anything

>how are you & your family doing?

i slept from 5am-10am and they woke me up to get to the shelter (btw, the hit of the week are the Rolling Stones ‒ 'Give Me Shelter'). we're all fine, no bombs here...

v

Subject: Re:
Fri, 26 Mar 1999 15:35:16 +0100

>seems the reaction here is more or less, "what in hell are we getting into THIS time??"

the accent should be on the word WE ... people seem to easily take to heart that their goverment's actions are their own, as well. they're well programmed to defend their programmers, no matter what they do... people do the same here ‒ the goverment propaganda is a very strong and considerable force. it could as well make the serbs fight back with no chances to acomplish anything. there is a book by Borislav Pekic (yu author btw), called 'Atlantis'. i wonder if you read it...

greetings from the war zone,
v

Subject: Re:
Fri, 26 Mar 1999 15:41:30 +0100

interesting data: they've taken all the foreign (mostly american) movies out of the theatres. how far will they go in this media oppression (my spelling is terrible, i must stop to think at every fifth word or something, it must sound very crude)...

v

Subject: wag the dog
Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:40:44 +0100

last nite was packed with events, some funny, some scary... at 9:30pm i was at home with a couple of friends discussing ‒ you guess what ‒ and i made a remark how we should see the movie 'wag the dog' (1997. i believe, dustin hoffman & robert deniro, here translated as 'war against the truth' with some dull trailer, of course i didn't go to see it, besides i only watch cartoons in the movies ‒ the other stuff is just too unserious), how we should rent it or something (it's about the u.s. goverment making up the war in albania to turn the public attention from the sex scandal in the white house a few days before the elections). five minutes later ‒ after the news on the tv programme we were watching comes an anouncement: "although we have never broken the rights of the publishers in screening films, blah blah, tonite we will show the movie 'wag the dog'. [we laugh our heads off] (then comes the story in short). see for yourself what the american goverment (serbs always refer to the u.s. as america) is capable of doing to blah blah..." after that strange coincidence, just as i was preparing to have a quiet night watching the movie, two detonations sound-- shit! as i'm writing this, another detonation sounded ‒ no alarm yet ‒ catch you later!!

v

Subject: more
Sat, 27 Mar 1999 19:15:23 +0100

it seems to be clear now but officials say the raid isn't over yet. i was just about to say that there was a very strong explosion last night, so strong i thought it was very near, like the neighbourhood was in flames... it was pretty scary, but later i found out that the rocket fuel reservoir has been hit kilometres away... it must have been bursting for hundreds of meters into the air, the whole area was lighted up...

v

Subject: Re: more
Sun, 28 Mar 1999 00:37:50 +0100

i just came back from a room full of people engaged in a very heavy and scary conversation... we are now for the first time struck with the thought of what will happen when these raids are over (i am deliberately trying not to use the term 'war', you probably understand why)... this country will fall into utter poverty. i don't suppose clinton had that in mind when he said he has nothing against the people of serbia and that they will not be hurt... another thing ‒ his official goal seems to be to turn the people against milosevic, but he forgets one thing ‒ national propaganda ‒ now the people are pissed against the u.s., and nobody even thinks about milosevic or the goverment. of course, those speeches weren't transmitted over the national tv ‒ RTS ‒ here (70% of serbian population can only watch RTS1 & RTS2 and they are 'wagging the dog', keeping the moral up, and turning the people's rage against the u.s.

however, most of the people in belgrade, including me, opposes the current goverment (see how important it is to be well informed), but they also oppose the nato (of course). myself, i currently feel like a guy who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... i have nothing for or against this country, except that i feel that it is sinking lower from year to year, and everybody adjusts, hoping it'll get better. i feel like having to live on the frying pan, and now i'm really starting to feel the heat.

bomb you later
v

Subject: Re: addendum
Sun, 28 Mar 1999 01:54:15 +0100

>looks like that f-117 stealth fighter was shot down not far from you

i heard, but i didn't believe it was true... i used to play Microprose F117a on my old 286.. it's one hell of a machine...

v

1999mar28. Handle With Care Plus, where the "Plus" is me smacking you upside the head. [os]

1999mar28. Cigarette-themed Ebay auctions. Always good for a laugh. 1 2 3 4 5

1999mar29. My home state in the news ... I'm getting all misty-eyed here ... I remember those crazy college hi-jinks ... freezing cans of beer ... ripping up fences ...

1999mar29. Peep Research Center

1999mar29. IRS-CID agent questions legality of IRS, resigns [fb]

1999mar29. So you're typing really fast and you send a message to your friend at "hotmai.com" instead of "hotmail.com." There is a "hotmai.com," in IRAN. Does your message bounce? Anyone want to test this out? [mc]

1999mar29. I have an idea. How about making living space at Wal-Mart for everyone who shops there. Then, all you creep-ass megaconsumers wouldn't have to even leave "the house" to max out your credit card. SHOP FOR MANY CHEAP COLORFUL PRODUCTS

1999mar29. Is it really a crime to want to spread the glad tidings of BOUNCE and VOLUME at cut-rate prices? I think not.

1999mar29. Privacy: This is "middle of the road"? Endorsing a national ID?

1999mar30. This just came in over our Wow, Really? Wire: JOURNALISTS BELIEVE MEDIA LACK CREDIBILITY

1999mar30. Long-distance companies agree: it's easier and more profitable to set up an industry-funded third-part complaint division to handle complaints of illegal "slamming" than it is FOR THE MONEY-GRUBBING TELCOS TO JUST STOP SLAMMING PEOPLE, but I guess that's just life in RED TAPE LAND

1999mar30. "Okay, what can we get this guy on..." "Ummmm, he doesn't have any insurance?" "YES! He does NOT have insurance! That was a close one."

1999mar30. The rich have always impressed me with what they spend their money on. Great choice, rich people! A toast ... to THE RICH!

1999mar31. Everyone needs a Hooligan Tool [fb]

1999mar31. Why does gas in California cost so much again? I mean, beyond the refinery explosions.

1999mar31. Fake facts (scroll down a bit)

1999mar31. Poor, misguided soul. [mp]


April 1999.

1999apr01. Baseball ... FIXED? I'm SHOCKED, I tell you, SHOCKED!

1999apr01. Swanson announces that TV dinners will be re-introduced, including the aluminum trays. I am confused. Aluminum ... microwave. Perhaps this is also an April Fool's day thing. I cannot say at this point.

1999apr01. Sony TV is ON!

1999apr01. Laugh at the funny people selling things.

1999apr01. Some web GIFs may have y2k security problem? Oh lordy.

1999apr03. Whiskey Pete's, Primm NV.

Casino win/loss: $+17.75.

There's a casino only 30 minutes away from the Mojave phone booth? Time to destroy it!

Finally leaving a casino with more money than I came in with doesn't exactly make me jump up and down ... I am still having a problem with the length of time spent inside exposed to several different distressing elements. Perhaps it would be smarter to move to something with better odds and higher minimums than nickel slots so I get out of there faster. Baccarat? Twenty-dollar minimum bet? Yes. I could be done betting in mere SECONDS.

1999apr05. So we went to the Mojave phone booth. We got to answer about 160 calls until the FREAK ASS SNOW BLIZZARD came in and we high-tailed it out of there to Primm, Nevada, where we could gamble in peace and quiet. That Whiskey Pete's got a mean casino, but LET ME TELL YOU about his body and hair shampoo, weeeeooooo lordy. For more late-breaking news on the details of phone booth blizzard '99, click on the Blizzard Banner™ to the immediate right of this text here. Maybe up a little. I'm not sure at this point.

Okay. Here's the problem. I have a lot of things to do. And not much time to do them. And taxes. So I can't keep updating this site every day, at least not until I get my time-release PancakeRobot installed. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put a bunch of stuff up, and it "counts" for an entire week. PACE YOURSELF. Here are the things.

[FIVE new All About entries|../a/all/a41.htm]
SIXTY-THREE new found photos

Special thanks goes out to The Finger for a large portion of the found photos.

Also, here is even more BONUS stuff to keep you off my back. This is a child's kitchen set entitled "My First Kitchen." Rusty of Bigrig purchased it for one strong American dollar and was kind enough to share it with you, the clamoring, insatiable, slightly-overweight fruit-jelly eating public.

Salut, children, Salut!

The next BONUS thing is a mousepad that I purchased at a flea market for fifty American cents.

Dare to dream! Perhaps one day we will all live in a Less Invasive Future™! This reminds me of the ad for hypodermic needles that promised a "new level of injection comfort." It's around here somewhere, but good luck finding it. I call this place My First Firetrap™.

Finally, here is a possessed Bubbly Chubby, the Teletubbies knock-off.

The button-activated BLOOD RED eyes have been softened a bit by the unforgiving glare of the flatbed scanner, you know, just like Cybill Shepard on Moonlig ‒ what's that, Bub? You want me to destroy the U.N. building? I HEAR AND OBEY MY MASTER, CHUBBLY BUBBLY. What? Oh, sorry. MY MASTER, BUBBLY CHUBBY.

Also, pretend I played a really funny April Fool's trick on you. Great. I mean something like maybe Cardhouse was bought out by some spineless corporate entity, or there is some kind of pending lawsuit, or something. Use your imagination! Less work for me. I have to go to New York now.

1999apr05. Privacy: Oh NO! We lost another one of our PRETEND RIGHTS. Bring it on, mother scratchers! Lose 'em all! How about police pullin' over motorists to search for drugs just because it seemed like a "good idea" or because they had a "bad day" or the driver looked "shifty"? These are all just ideas.

1999apr06. I regularly forget to play Baccarat when I end up at a casino ‒ it has some of the best odds in the casino, and best of all, you don't even have to think like blackjack or craps. Mindless losing, that's for me. Bring on ... THE BACCARAT!

1999apr06. WARNING: WE CARE JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE THIS FUNNY SIGN

1999apr07. Mail.

This site is incredibly fun. I have complimented you. Now it's YOUR turn to do something for me. Have you ever seen a checker board Swatch watch? I swear I have. Tis my life long dream to own such a prize. If you've ever even laid eyes on one at one point or you actually KNOW where I can get one..... by God tell me. I think it was clear and black checker board. Or perhaps it was a dream. I wish I had a life.

JoAnn

So you give me a compliment, and then I'm supposed to turn around and "do something" for you? I don't get it. But I will send along your request to our patient, kind, thoughtful, resourceful, and sexy readers. I do remember the watch you speak of. Can you believe Mimo Rotella made a Swatch? It made me so mad, I wanted to RIP STUFF UP.

1999apr07. Mail.

Mark,
How can I make myself more attractive relative to stocks?

Paula Jones.

I don't think this is really Paula Jones. I think you are a big PAULA JONES LIAR. Liar. I don't understand the question, anyway.

1999apr07. Eight piglets on a bike ‒ part of the larger Trans-Siberian Railroad page

1999apr07. Privacy: Al Gore stops harvesting kiddie e-mail addresses on his website; a worried nation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

1999apr07. "You have been shot to death, Sir."

1999apr07. Exercise 2: Control User Access to Internet Sites. In this exercise you will add a filter to the Web Proxy Service that will deny users Internet access to www.netscape.com. [ou]

1999apr07. Rummaging through Northern California [Thrift Score]

1999apr07. Biking across the United States

1999apr08. Behold the terrible FAKE CIGARETTES

1999apr08. Simply Porn: The evolution of a parody.

1999apr08. Pranks: Arm the Homeless story ... and ... website

1999apr08. It's a crazy surfin' day here at the Cardhouse, my friends. Aspects of Air-Dropped Leaflet Propaganda

1999apr08. Million Marijuana March: May 1st

1999apr08. Consumer Reports: vintage testing photographs [cd]

1999apr08. Strip naked, live in a small apartment for a year without toilet paper or much food. The whole thing is broadcast across Japan and has seventeen million viewers. Your prize? One million yen ($8,300). [bud]

1999apr08. The Cluetrain Manifesto: Companies Need To Be More Open To Sheep-Like Consumers. Okay, that's it. I'm officially sick to death of Capitalism. Can I get off this sucker ride?

1999apr08. A Brief History of Banned Music in the United States

1999apr08. Swatch's obnoxious internet time ad campaign continues to revile! Now they're in collusion with the Russian Space Agency to transmit advertising on ham radio frequencies. There's a protest page. [fb]

1999apr08. [We see Cardhouse growing exponentially in the coming year, enveloping and eventually smooshing Disney [DIS], Amazon.com [AMZN], and Blazoon Systems Inc BLZO]. Thank you. [is]

1999apr09. The Burlesque Portraits of Raoul Gradvohl deuce

1999apr09. Ali vs. Andy Warhol [fucking annoying re-direct forces you to watch stupid animation over and over and also over; suggest copy and paste into temporary word-processing file]

1999apr09. [Pranks: Follow-up on Arm The Homeless story in New Times, including a phone transcript of a conversation with "60 Minutes II" (past all of the rabid reader responses)|http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/archives/1998/040899/news1.html]

1999apr09. Pranks: Web hoax on the day traders

1999apr09. Mutiny on the Blue Line.

1999apr09. Now we can all get on the Internet, thanks to Compuserve!

1999apr09. I like StickerGuy. I haven't had any stickers made, but it will be the first place I go.

1999apr09. I found out that a few things that I've been saying on this site are trademarked. So I will no longer use the trademarks Gallery or Zine to describe what I'm doing here.

1999apr09. Fun-e Red Meat this week deuce

1999apr09. Hi-tech meets Bottom-Of-The-Barrel Tech.

1999apr09. I'm rooting for the beavers. Go carve up the leg of the bad NSA man, beavers. CARVE I SAY!

1999apr09. I'm getting really sick of receiving that stupid "gas out" spam message. Here's a big something about corporate welfare, including oil and gas companies.

1999apr09. Pranks: San Francisco, meet your new mayor!

1999apr09. [Pranks: Here's the candidacy announcement. "Craig gets to park wherever he wants and the parking place in front of his place is his, you know, the one a little bit to the right by the corner."|http://www.craigslist.org/mayor.html]

1999apr09. Long, terse list of celebrity gossip. [rw]

1999apr10. Peoplehater has pictures up from the Great Nevada Car Hunt!

1999apr10. Lee Majors does self-parody for Colorado State Lottery.

1999apr10. The only US reporter in Kosovo?

1999apr10. Pranks: Gore 2000 [ou]

1999apr10. Benicetobears is now listing links. Like a log of web visits. Like a web...web...weblog!

1999apr10. Kids love the Wobbler! Don't forget to check out the rest of the toy line. [bn]

1999apr10. Jeffrey Vallance World is coming along quite nicely. Check out Guadalupe and the Holy Lance. deuce

1999apr10. I am frightened by the graphic prowess of the PRAYSTATION

1999apr11. Forgotten NY [pm]

1999apr12. Work: LibraryAdministrator

1999apr13. Pudding Wire: Pudding cures cancer? THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!

1999apr13. A company that allow you to put small phrases on candy hearts . Great. Not great? $100 + no obscenities. Bah.

1999apr14. Rundown of airplane passenger hijinx

1999apr14. Interview with Tesco Vee

1999apr15. [I like to do my taxes. Over and over again, so much I like. Can I have another state form? Thank you. "Now THERE'S someone who likes taxes!]

1999apr16. [Reverse weblog] I've been looking for a high-end portable record player. There's one that's made in Japan. I saw it on a website awhile ago, then it disappeared. It is certainly not anything like this clunky A/V bastard. It is styling and sleek, and the women will surely dig "the guy with the portable record player."

1999apr16. Bay Area culture jamming.

1999apr16. Seismic Solution

1999apr16. Planet SOMA

1999apr17. Mail.

I thought I was nuts, but I am glad another nuts person understands the true value of found pictures. I don't know how in the hell I got to this page, but it is wonderful! I have several pics that I would be glad to donate if you are interested. Actually, we have a whole photo album my friend and I bought at the thrift store just for such amusement. The life and times of some serious white trash. (Circa 1985) Some X-mas pics, some others. I'd leave the captions up to you, unless I had an outstanding one ready. Let me know. It would take me a week to get my lazy bum of a friend to scan them, but hey, it'd get done.

:) Peace out.

-Ryan S.

Yeah yeah yeah! Bring it on! America loves found photos!

1999apr19. I Went To Berkeley This Sunday And Now I Smell Like Patchouli.

I went to Berkeley this Sunday and now I smell like Patchouli. It's everywhere on Telegraph street, stinking up the place. It seeps into your clothes, and it just lingers for hours. It is hard to decide between the raw, fresh scents of Berkeley and the masking odors of Patchouli. Perhaps if there were no fresh scents in the first place, then one would not need to use Patchouli. When I walk in Berkeley, my fists are clenched unless I am holding a bag.

House Of Nanking Restaurant Review.

At the House Of Nanking, there are menus on the tables when you are seated. Don't look at them. The owner will steal them away from you almost immediately and ask you what type of meat you like ‒ chicken, beef, pork, fish; then you will get your food seven minutes later. Everyone gets a different plate. It's random. We talked to some Australians at the next table over, they were totally amazed. "It's like this in every restaurant in America," I didn't say. That would have been funny. I was not at the top of my game then, I was too busy eating.

The food is damned good. It is a tourist trap, but I don't care.

1999apr19. This article details a strange odor in Salt Lake City making people nauseous, and it's been floating around for the last month. The part that I don't get is that there was already a horrid, horrid smell there when I was driving through in 1995. So this is a new smell ON TOP OF the old smell? Lord help you if you live in Salt Lake City. I mean, Mormon Lord of Kolob help you. Also, an earlier article has an important quote: "A meeting was held late Friday to coordinate a search for the smell." [rw]

1999apr19. Here's something off the wire that's been sitting around since the Carter administration. Slow news day.

1999apr20. How Different I Am From Doc: A Paragraph.

I am not Doc. There are several people who are contributing items to this website. Doc is one of these people. I am not Doc. I know this because I can call him on the phone, and the number is not busy 100% of the time. That is because I am not Doc. So now all of the people sending Doc email commentary about my half of the website, and the people sending me email commentary about Doc's half of the website, can switch places and everything is better now. Our babies are all grows up now, they're all grows up!

Also, we are going to have a new person join the Cardhouse team in a short while. Perhaps you can get all mixed up with the four of us then, wouldn't that be funny?

1999apr20. I Was Away Doing My Taxes.

I am finished with my taxes. I patiently await my audit and subsequent jail time.

1999apr20. Privacy: Gore more of a hypocrite than Clinton! Lying Gore 2000! [rw]

1999apr20. New computer virus makes stellar debut April 26.

1999apr20. Delightful Straight Dope this week about the disgusting toilet aerosol phenomenon

1999apr20. Don't forget to read the reader response column that accompanies Cecil's column: "did you know that the original formula for the popular diet drink Tab included urine and restaurant mints?"

1999apr20. World's oldest building underwater off the coast of Japan? Ignored by western world? Destroyed by quake? Too many questions... must sit ... down...? [bud]

1999apr20. Overview sketch of underwater structure

1999apr21. [1996 Neal Stephenson piece about laying transoceanic cables incredibly long] [mp]

1999apr21. Old photojournal in Atlas Magazine: "Under New York".

1999apr21. SEVERAL New Leisuretowns with a little redesign thrown in

1999apr21. Woo! Peoplehater has photos up from the Great Nevada Carhunt!

1999apr22. Mail.

This is my guargian angel. He's also a one man band. How cool is that? Not many people have one of those.

I suppose I should say something funny here.

1999apr22. Mail.

i think i may be able to give you, at last, a good night's rest. i viewed the found picture located at this URL, and noted with dismay your inability to recognize the attractive young woman in the photo. i almost choked on my hummus when i realized that the woman was none other than my 5th grade teacher, mrs wilkinson! of course, this photo was clearly taken some years ago, as the mrs W. that *I* remember was a shrivelled old bat who routinely made me and the other boys stand against the blackboard with our arms outstretched, our palms upturned, and several copies of the class's history textbooks balanced on each hand. but, oh! those eyes! i could never forget the way they sparkled when someone correctly pointed out uruguay, during geography on thursdays. that sparkle, sirs, is clearly present in the eyes of the "mystery woman" in your found photo. as i said, this photo was obviously taken during mrs. w's YOUTH--i would estimate, judging by what looks like a daguerrotype film process, this photo must have been taken around 1870 or 1872. this jibes with my assertion, asserted to my fellow 5th graders back at Castleberry Elementary School in Morgantown, West Virginia, that mrs wilkinson must have been about 100 years old or so. so that clears it up. i hope you'll take good care of this treasured item-- it would mean a lot to me and all my classmates back at "the Castle."

just to remind you-- there *are* folks out there in the world of the web who really appreciate your sincere efforts to bring everyone closer together in a big cuddly group hug of love.

if i meet you on the street, you can be sure to hear a "howdy neighbor!" coming out of my mouth. i say that to everybody. it's my way of saying "howdy neighbor!"

love scout.

I am glad someone has finally unlocked the mysteries of a Found Photo. Your correspondence is appreciated!

1999apr22. Ain't nothing quite as stupid as ordering 100 pounds of 3179 Dilatent Compound

1999apr22. Investigation into Priceline.com's machinations ... "If it finds [a price lower than you're willing to pay], the computer will confirm the sale and Priceline will pocket the difference between the quoted fare price by the airline and the price you've offered to pay." So of course, the next big thing to come down the pike will be pricelinebot.com, where you can send off a stupid "smart agent" to priceline.com and make sure you get the ACTUAL lowest price for a plane seat and not priceline's artificial low price. This domain is worth FOURTEEN BILLION dollars? Can I be the one to start Internet Panic 1999? Sell, my little internet trading loser cash-ambulance chasers. SELL LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!!! BUY GOLD! STOCKPILE WATER! (this message brought to you by the Gold & Water Stock Panic Creation Council GmbH) [rw]

1999apr23. Carrot Top interview: completely painful, potentially brain-damaging. Totally surreal. A prank? Probably not. [cw]

1999apr23. Mister Pants is a swell web designer person and has started a weblog. Mister Pants has found this incredible page which is also potentially brain-damaging. I have declared today Potentially Brain-Damaging Day. Also, good luck trying to find discussion about the oft-promised topic "The states names are important of drugs meanings.

1999apr23. Your tax dollars not at work (see question #58).

1999apr24. So for the last fifteen years or so, I've had a habit of hammering on the arrow keys a certain way when doing full-screen text editing on my little rotty computer. It goes like this:

click click click click click
(pause)
click click click click click
(pause, etc)

I never really thought much about it at all until I came across an old pinball machine in a restaurant. I used to play pinball pretty much 24 hours a day during my youth. I put in a quarter, and the first thing that all of those old machines do is reset the analog scoring reels to zero:

chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk
(pause)
chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk
(pause, etc)

1999apr24. Wonderful interview with Tristan Farnon of Leisuretown, who beats himself up even more than Evan Dorkin and Chris Ware, as if that was even possible.

1999apr24. Privacy: Awhile back, I was noticing a growing number of requests for a file called "favicon.ico" in the referral logs. A quick search led me to this document from Microsoft which explains that the favicon.ico is small icon that would be displayed via Internet Explorer if someone had bookmarked your site. Okay, completely vile ‒ this isn't in any of the web standards, I don't need to make little cute icons for users, etc. I hadn't really considered the privacy implications of this, but there's an article in Wired about it. Okay, so any site can figure out when you're bookmarking them ‒ that's not MUCH of a privacy violation, but it still hugs.

So how's THIS for a privacy violation? Let's say you're looking at some stupid top-secret file via your web browser on your top-secret hard drive connected to the internet, and then you go to say, JUST AS A RANDOM EXAMPLE, Cardhouse. Now WHAT do you suppose shows up in the referral logs? That's right, my sweetkins, I can see you! I can see where you were just before you loaded my page. It comes to me via the referral logs. Here, let's take a look at OTHER PEOPLE'S HARD DRIVES:

file:///SuperMac%AA%20HD/Internet/startup.html -> /

file:///C|/IOTA finish (main)/iota sites/ingress.html -> /links/weblog.htm

file:///Emotional%20Intelligence/HTML/HomePage -> /macros/

file:///Sam's%20iMac/samhome.html -> /

Any of this look familiar? You want to talk about privacy violations ... Any one with a website who reads their referral logs is getting the same information that I just presented to you. I don't know if this is a browser-specific problem, it seems like I would get more of these types of files a day. Perhaps this was already fixed in later browsers and these are using Netscape 1.1 or something. I'm too lazy to check.

1999apr25. Privacy: A month ago, I mentioned that a computer glitch changed the personal data on my [Supermarket Savings Card] and I happily left it that way. Always TAKE THE ERROR. WORK with it. In this example, if the social security office says you're dead, STAY DEAD. [os]

1999apr26. [Mondo Micro needs realplayer]

1999apr26. WAH! Cueball gets religion

1999apr26. [All right TREE! GO TREE! raising lighter above head]

1999apr26. Essay on Littleton Shootings [po]

1999apr26. A recent BBC News story about a "safe" HIV vaccine featured a picture of a monkey with the caption "Four macaque monkeys had no trace of HIV, two had viral loads reduced by 100,000 times." This VERY SAME monkey also appeared in an earlier story with the caption "A macaque monkey died of Aids after being given the experimental vaccine." So I guess the vaccine actually brings dead monkeys back to life. "Hey, anyone got a picture of a stupid monkey? Anyone? What? What directory? Okay, got it!"

1999apr27. "When it postively, absolutely will kill someone if opened."

1999apr27. Privacy: Shopping discount card data privacy bill passes CA Senate

1999apr28. !ffuts dna nataS liaH !retsam dna drol ym si ssenkrad fo ecnirp ehT

1999apr28. Go to hell [hey! themed weblog! satan ... hell ... see? the kid is HOT! {theme!!}]

1999apr28. An interview with the unfortunate star of "Don't Go For It, Electric Boy!", the poorly-planned mutant Japanese offshoot of The Truman Show. "You couldn't help but to dance the so-called winning dances?" If I ever get interviewed, that's what I want every question to be. A question about the so-called winning dances. [rw]

1999apr28. Six college students band together and create a site that monitors their actions 24/7. They're now looking for big gun advertising. At the end of the article, Erik Vidal, nephew of Gore and project creator, seems frustrated that "conservative" corporate America isn't interested in sponsoring his "extremely racy idea." I weep for you, Erik, I weep.

1999apr28. Ballsy aviation heist

1999apr29. Bubbly pop star Britney Spears, Internet date raper? Hrmm. This earlier article that actually ORIGINATES from CNN reveals it to be a prank. I never doubted you, Britney. BRITNEY! BRITNEY! BRITNEY SPEARS JOINS THE JAMMS!!!! Sorry.

1999apr29. Great cover for Arlene Sardine

1999apr29. Very Important recent reprint of The Manual: How To Have A Number One The Easy Way as written by Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty of the KLF, with a new postscript by Mr. Drummond. Damn blasted funny as shit. Order one now. Also I know nothing about the other Bill Drummond books, but there they are as well. There is also the book The K Foundation Burn A Million Quid which is also the KLF, it's about the time they burned a million quid. Perhaps one day Gimpo will write about his 24-hour driving marathon on M5 or wherever, that big loop around London. That one. I spoke to Bill Drummond once. I wrote him a letter asking for an interview and he called me at home so I sicced Lazlo on him. Yes. I've got to reformat that interview someday, it's too damned white. So is this weblog text, I don't like it. I don't like much about the colors on these video TVs.

1999apr29. A web-based employment application form for the Hot Dog on a Stick franchise. Mister Pants asks you to pay special attention to the last question: "The uniform is our special trademark. Describe its appeal and why you are drawn to it."

This just in: PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO WORK AT HOT DOG ON A STICK. No one has any sort of delusional notion that the Hot Dog On A Stick uniform has any sort of appeal whatsoever, except for attracting the attention of snide, sarcastic, gawking people like myself. I am still being shown the absurdities of California on a daily basis, and one of my friends took me on a special trip to the mall JUST TO SEE THE DAMNED UNIFORMS. Not to "shop" or "consume" ‒ just to look at how LITTLE you think of your workers to dress them up as clowns.

Then, of course, that very same night was the premiere of Futurama, and who comes on the screen to feed the head of Leonard Nimoy (in a jar) some fish-type food? That's right, a guy dressed up like a Hot Dog On A Stick employee. [mp]

1999apr29. Reasons To Hate Berkeley. A Series. Hahaha! What a wacky send-up of Berkeley City Council! I'm chortling at the inventiveness of the Court Jester! [jamming gun barrel in mouth] [os]

Yeah, I really like that "jamming gun barrel in mouth" joke. Better get used to it. I am also working on another one that goes something like "placing head on table, hammering at it until I pass out" but it needs work. Suggestions are welcome.

1999apr29. Privacy: Deja News monitoring email links

1999apr29. [Note] It has been suggested to me that the whole Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick job application question about describing the uniform's "appeal" is actually a joke.

In that case, I find the whole thing TEN TIMES more repulsive. "Look, we're going to make you dance around in a uniform that even WE know is the subject of ridicule. And we're going to pay you EXTREMELY WELL to do it."

The Court stands by its earlier decision. Stare decisis. Ipsum lorem delectable.

1999apr29. Stomping around Japan

1999apr29. Stop the madness! ... Fruity, yet DEADLY ... See? It's all themed ‒ jamming gun barrel in mouth, remember? How many more amazing TOTALLY PLANNED THEMES can I make today? I'm James Burke, and this is CONNECTIONS! suck

1999apr29. Learned taste aversion. A friend of mine had heard that his wife's 14-year-old sister didn't like black olives, and knowing about the strong food sensitivities that ran in that family, asked her about it.

"Black olives? I can't stand them! If you say that one more time I'll puke!"
[pause. I mean, what would you do?]
"Black olives."
"BLEEARRRGGGHHH!!!!"

1999apr30. World Paper Money|http://aes.iupui.edu/rwise/] mysteriously back online after multi-month disappearance. Check out: Canada (remember? Canadian month? Has it been SO LONG?), and especially Antarctica and even more especially this note 'cause MONEY'S GOT PEN-GUINS ON IT.

1999apr30. Mr. Pants provided a link to Putzmeister today, so I rolled around looking at all of the concrete pumpers from around the world. I don't recall ever seeing one in Michigan, but here, in Concrete California, they're all over the place. Check out that caption for the picture...when was the last time you saw the word "profit" in a company slogan? Also, pay special attention to the collage ‒ it appears as though a concrete pumper is hooked up to the jet.

"And now the flight attendant will show you losers how to properly use your oxygen mas ‒ OH MY GODBLUGLBLUGLBUGH"

1999apr30. Beyond all of bad-taste bad-timing issues here, are any of these kids LEARNING anything BESIDES this life-is-fragile crap? I mean, look at all the damned BULLET POINTS here, if schools put HALF the amount of effort into teaching that went into this production perhaps America's educational system wouldn't be such a tragic JOKE

1999apr30. Mod trackers: music on the pc? IMPOSSIBLE!

1999apr30. Man oh LORDY what a sexy logo

1999apr30. What a bunch of NUTJOBS

1999apr30. Dead artist loses case against dead clubfooted CIA agent. What am I, ON DRUGS here?

1999apr30. "Yes, it's being launched right now, and ‒ hold on ‒ and, well, it's in space right now. Perhaps if you come back tomorrow. Yes, or maybe next week. It's in space. It is floating in space." $2.9 billion dollars, folks, three rockets gone. Does that set some sort of record? Most tax money wasted by explosions? The IRS better crack down a little more on taxpayers this year, we've got a ROCKET TO REPLACE.


May 1999.

1999may01. Excellent rant about "fantasy Pez" on Ebay with ridiculously overpriced examples; the author creates a few of his own, including STAR WARS EIGHT TRACK PEZ! Check out the rest of the site, there's nothing better than PIN-UPS and PEZ!!!

1999may01. Call up and show your support for a pro-gay Bud ad? This is wrong on so many levels. And it's been said before, but if I were gay I wouldn't be jumping around going YIPPEE, I'M A TARGET MARKET, although that's what happened with the pro-gay Ikea print ads from a few years ago. This whole thing really, REALLY seems like a prank. It'd be nice if someone tracked it down to see if it started somewhere at budweiser.com, in any event. [fb]

1999may01. If you have THIS much trouble with your cats that you have to devote this HUGE-ASS web page to their hijinks, maybe you're better off WITHOUT THEM

1999may01. Ebay: Knights In Satan's Service, dude!!! Oooh, is that LEMON?!?? I wish I had never read about fantasy Pez.

1999may01. Ebay: Can't ... look away ... must not look at ... fantasy Pez ... oh god...BRUCE LEE FANTASY PEZ... stop ... please ...

1999may01. Ebay: This one's for Jon. "Big? Why, they're HUGE!"

1999may01. [Administration] I think I am cured from looking at Fantasy Pez now. Thanks for all of your calls and letters.

1999may01. Here's some real Pez. Some nice, down-to-earth, Pez....yes, soothing, calming Pez... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

1999may01. Cop reality shows sometimes fake. Yes. C*O*P*S is not mentioned, though they've used sound effects records featuring police dispatchers in the past to "punch up" the show. The sound effects were played just before a police hooker decoy/john bust. I don't think they've ever admitted it, I just recognized the sound effect because a month prior I had been sampling all of the noisy toys at a toy store.

1999may01. This place sounds like the last line in some cheesy bubble gum pop song:

[first line]
[second line]
[third line]
Funtown Splashtown U.S.A.!

It's like a neat contest. SEE IF YOU CAN WIN!

1999may01. Very with-it controller for MAME [mp]

1999may03. Kibo disses toys and text [rw]

1999may04. I've been really tired lately. But I came up with some links over the weekend, so that more than makes up for my laziness this week. Enjoy them again. This weblog was mentioned in an article in Smug. I am sub-contracting out a machinist to make new parts for this weblog so it will run smarter, smoother, and with 27% less chocking errors. More uptime for your weblog means more uptime for your customers!

1999may04. Lloyd & Trevor Kriegel's World of Sweaters Poncho! Poncho! Poncho! Poncho!

1999may05. New fonts at Larabie

1999may05. Man, I remember back when you couldn't find a Katakana font on the net to save your life, now they're everywhere. Here's a great site: Gray Graphics. My favorite is Fancy Balloons, it's so cute I could scream. I don't seem to be having much luck loading the Macintosh versions of these fonts.

1999may05. Yo! The P-Font crew has some free digital digital fonts!

1999may05. Isometric Blockyicons Construction Thing

1999may05. True Type Resource

1999may05. Nice Splash screen. Precursor to Seriously wigged geometric kana fonts on LSD. I'd download 'em but I'm scared.

1999may05. Cartoony katakana font from Shift Factory

1999may05. Change Machine! Brainless fun for a stupid work day!

1999may05. Fun little kinetic text mouse-follow thing

1999may05. Mapping software by Sony. "PictureGear." Okay. "Navin'YOU." Not okay. But it does have a keen map overview angle thing.

1999may05. Privacy: States be BUGGIN'

1999may05. Electronic ink is here...for advertisers!

1999may05. I'm going to be looking around for fonts. They might be new or old, it doesn't really matter to me. Your suffering does not disturb me. Maniackers have some interesting fonts, some katakana. I like the little nubs of Gachapon, and the nice kiddie blocks of Old Cube, and I haven't even been through them all yet!

1999may05. Here's a nice katakana font at em-DesignsXX, and then there's this partial kanji font. I mean it's partial because there's a lot of Kanji characters and you can't really represent the entire Kanji set, not that the font itself is incomplete.

1999may05. More katakana at Hyperion

1999may05. Here's a computery katakana and english font called Pixe HK Normal which you can download here until may 8th.

1999may05. There are many fonts wrapped up in a neato interface at Zero-Xenon26.

1999may06. While in DC, don't forget to go see the $350,000 DEA museum ‒ you paid for it. [os]

1999may06. It's the Hoping Game! I mean, the Hopping Game! Low Rider ACTION! [requires shockwave]

1999may06. Pranks: FBI investigates stock hoax

1999may06. I'm planning a trip, so today I didn't need to see a flat tire on my car. It's been awhile since I've had one; I decided to check some stuff out "on the net" and found this page from the Tire Industry Safety Council that indicates a "plug by itself is an unacceptable repair" and sort of goes on to recommend a combination plug-and-patch solution, but it's limp-wristed and unacceptable literature for a group that claims superior knowledge of such things. Of course, when I talked to six different mechanics about just such a thing, most of them did plugs, or patches, one or other depending on the puncture, but not the combination shot. One mechanic took me to task for being "too critical" and then finally explained that pushing a plug through would rip through the new patch inside ‒ sort of what I figured.

1999may06. A typical email contract one can use to pursue spam losers and collect cold, hard cash. There are other articles about at least one person successfully cashing checks wheedled out of spammers, but I'm not going to find it now. I'm sorta busy. deuce

1999may06. Here's what is apparently the world's first ShareHardware project. 33715 GPS/PC connectors sent out! deuce

1999may07. Rippin' McSweeney's today.

1999may07. "I'm sorry, ma'am, we overbooked and had to bump both of you from the flight. We have something available for you ummm, how does the third sound?"

This isn't cutting it ‒ I want these kids IN THE AIR come midnight GMT and EST.

1999may07. The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide

1999may07. Rugby wheelchair ... Tennis wheelchair

1999may08. Pranks: iNax. Perhaps you would like to try the "input hole".

1999may08. Squla! Squla! Half-squid, all woman! I have no damned idea what this is, exactly.

1999may10. Here's a powder keg waiting to go off... [os]

1999may10. Delusional halitosis and the Bay Area Fresh Breath Center

1999may10. THERE HE IS!!! GET HIM! GET HIM!

1999may10. Ebay: Lessee, three boxes of candy/gum cigarettes that are currently available for a quarter apiece ... times three ... carry the seven ... ummm, how about twenty bucks?

1999may10. Beautifully vicious Gap slam at Superpants

1999may11. Screaming teenagers can't get enough of The Box [mp]

1999may11. A short article about the lack of privacy with work email, snooping bosses, etc. I include this because I keep encountering people who should know better but occasionally will send out mail with discussions about quitting their job, etc, from work. "Oh, who cares," they say when I point out things like this to them. If you don't care, then QUIT YOUR JOB, why the hell are you there if you don't care about your job. Everyone should care about their job. I care about my job. Did that sound convincing? Wait, let me try again. I deeply care about my job. That was pretty good, did you hear the little catch in my voice?

1999may11. Bastard

1999may11. Roth IRA planner. This is a link that I will look at later. It's not like I want you to look at it. I mean, really, if there's anything this weblog isn't about, it's money. That and not looking at links before I put them up. But this is a place where I put links to look at later or repeatedly, fetishizing them with some sort of electronic perversion.

1999may11. Let's play the Relevant Robot game. This robot is relevant because it's ALL THAT I'VE EATEN TODAY. And it wasn't "giant."

1999may11. Good Maakies. Always good.

1999may11. High school kids to senator: "Your proposed legislation sucks" [os]

1999may11. I was strolling through the logs and noticed that we were getting some hits from integrityonline26.com. This is their home page. You can apparently report on offensive sites. I was going to report on myself but I couldn't think of anything violent or hateful enough. I'll come up with some pages in the next few days.

1999may11. I just had this massive craving for a peanut-butter and jelly sammich. That's all, really, no link to the Peanut Butter Council or whatever.

1999may11. I'm torn. One one hand, I'd love to kiss the whole Safeway forced-smile bullshit goodbye (not that I shop there anymore), but on the other hand, I'm lazy and I hate bagging. I was a bagger at a grocery store for three days. Took a powder break and never looked back. I never looked back.

"Why does he keep repeating and emphasizing strange parts of his speech, mommy?"

"Clinical psychosis manifests itself in many strange ways, Jimmy. Now finish your PBJ sandwich so we can go to PBJ World and get some more PBJ construction supplies, PBJ, PBJ."

1999may11. Anerican Peanut Council

1999may11. Brunching Shuttlecocks Street Sign Ratings starts off in high gear, holds it for awhile, then ends flat. My Street Sign Ratings Rating: B+.

1999may11. Company rates most chaste porn star, healthiest fast food restaurant, smallest big thing

1999may11. Mother SCRATCH! The News Quiz url now has some random-ass number added to it, so my News Quiz Hyperlink Script doesn't work. Grrrr...

1999may12. Pack up your shit, Dr. Quakey, we've got you booked on the next flight out to SFO!

1999may12. Each week I thank "Out of the Blue" for reaffirming my lack of faith in humanity

1999may12. Img Src 100: 100 designers in one book ... use "next" to go through all of them

1999may12. Pleasant surprise in the Img Src 100 pack -- it's the Supershibuya guy! And hey, here's the Superbad guy! I better sit down.

1999may12. Senators tack on anti-environmental actions to Clinton's "We Need Even More Bombs, Like, Thirteen Billion In Bombs" bill. "Wait, wait, I wanna add something that puts more minorities in jail!" "Hold on there, I want to put in something that outlaws full-time benefits!" The senators raced to the podium, each trying desperately to gain access to the deeper levels of Hell.

1999may12. Meanwhile, in New York, Rudolph Giuliani continues to terrorize the citizenry

1999may13. McSweeneys: A son searches for his father

1999may13. New shyness drug debut. "We've had some pretty serious cases. One fellow we worked with really had gotten to be so withdrawn that he had no social contact and hadn't dated for a couple years." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA Oh MAN! WOW! Holy SHIT! A COUPLE of years!!!! NO SOCIAL CONTACT!!!! HAAHAHAHAH!!! COUPLE...YEARS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, and here's another knee-slapper: "Doctors say shy people already believe that their successes and failures have to do with the situation or another person, and not themselves." Stop it, you're KILLING me here...

1999may13. Detroit crack houses turns into art block; art block demolished. [os]

1999may13. NYC gardens: Bette comes through

1999may13. MoneyGram and Western Union agree to pay claim of overcharging. This is for money-transfer services. The $18.95 charge to send a "Mailgram" via Western Union is not mentioned in the article. A "Mailgram" is 1-50 words you'd like sent to another party through the United States Post Office. You know, a letter. Nineteen bucks. For. A letter. Don't even ask me about the "Telegram".

1999may13. Designers Republic just added a little email thing to their web site, which used to be just one image. THEY'VE DOUBLED THEIR CONTENT! Anyway, it's some sort of announcement mailing list, so if you're completely into DR you should probably sign up, droogies.

1999may13. The Guy I Almost Was ‒ a comic by Patrick S. Farley (reading time about twenty minutes?)

1999may13. Before I get into today's topoc, I would like to SHOUT OUT to my homies, Scott and Jon, who have been making things Happen for Cardhouse for the last four years now and are now going through another Major Revision. Cardhouse wouldn't be 1/10th as cool or even here, for that matter, without their tireless efforts. If you have time, drop them a line and tell them they are appreciated, unless you're sort of busy or lethargic. I'm sure they'll understand.

I just had a little brain fritz, and since everyone's sick of the candy cigarettes, I will tell you what I am talking about.

The brain is quite a wonderful phenomenon, but sometimes it tells you to do a bad thing. "If you get up enough speed, you could probably ram that guy off the freeway ... I mean, he did cut you off and all." We have learned not to listen to our brains when this happens, in most cases. But sometimes your brain just FREAKS OUT and gives you completely ridiculous information. It's what makes your brain "cute" and want to hug it.

So I brought some chips and dip back to my desk to work on today's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT article. Dug in, and realized there really wasn't that many chips. So I returned to kitchen, got a fresh bag of chips, and made a small detour to pick up a huge bottle of cherry juice. Got back to my desk with the chips sort of dangling in my right hand, and the juice bottle in front of me in my left hand. Sitting on the desk just a few inches away is the dip container. This is when my brain freaked out. It's classic misdirection ‒ I wasn't going to get the juice in the first place, and now my brain is processing the visible juice, and the seemingly missing chips. Just so you don't think I'm a complete farmer, this is all happening in milliseconds.

At this point, my brain figures it out and says: "POUR THE JUICE INTO THE DIP."

Hahahahah! Stupid BRAIN!

1999may14. Designer P. Scott Makela dead at 39 [os] The Makela's website . Makela's font Dead History (summary) . Dead History Roman preview

1999may14. This reminds me, I had been intending to add a link about Tibor Kalman, who also passed away recently (scroll down a bit). Here's his crumpled paper paperweights, a poster , an interview, an earlier book, and a large billboard created with Scott Stowell. Frustrating, can't find any large body of his work on the web. this book is a retrospective of his work; here is a review.

I wrote to Tibor in 1990 and asked him to design the cover of my magazine and I promised him that I would not pay him. So naturally he took the assignment, and M&Co ended up designing the covers for both X Magazine's #6 and #7. The scan of #7 is pretty poor, I'll redo it tonight if I have time.

Of all the designers I admire, Tibor has been the most influential.

1999may14. Check out the Degree Confluence Project for a simple, neat excuse for exploring the random places around the world. Deuce suggested that we start collecting dirt samples from each point, then combine them to create the "average earth" model. I'm all for it. Only one point outside of the U.S. has been visited so far. Come on, all you foreigner types! Get yourself a GPS receiver and get out there! [scb]

1999may14. Here is a 1996 Wired interview with Tibor Kalman, as pointed to by Source Documents.

1999may14. Poets Anonymous. There was a campaign like this in Detroit a number of years ago, but it was local poets. I vaguely remember one of the billboards, a surreal bit about a submarine entering a cup of coffee or some such.

1999may15. Fat white rich men vote for next fat white rich man to get MORE

1999may15. Federal appeals court rules in favor of Driving While Hispanic traffic stops

1999may15. What a DISASTER. Deja News goes through a major redesign. The news is flanked on either side by ads and stupid-ass pointless polls ("Rate Microsoft Photodraw 2000"), the subject lines are cut off, and even after this each post takes up two lines. Clean out your desk.

1999may15. Think you can get better deal than a .2% savings interest rate? Bankrate.com can probably help you. Maybe. I guess. Why do we have savings accounts, again? The economy is doing so great that I guess we don't need them anymore.

1999may16. Teletubbies Wire: Tubby Custard to become available in Burger King. It's pink. Race you! [rw]

1999may16. Accidentally ran across this Holland gardening supply shop that also sells nice seeds for you to grow things which apparently taste good in jam.

1999may16. I was doing a search for polygon intersection and I came across Overdrive, a little car racing PC game from Japan. I can't play it, I don't have a joystick.

1999may16. I need a cross-platform programming environment. Is wxWindows the solution to my problem? I cannot say at this time.

1999may16. Red China defeats Imperialist Rodent's Cultural Virus (Mulan takes a beating from the home crowd)

1999may16. Found photo.

(Contributed by Jane M.)

I found it outside the 7-11 at College and Dufferin in Toronto, about 6 or 7 years ago. It's been on my tackboard ever since. What posessed me to write "found object" on it, I don't remember. But that was pretty dumb.

1999may17. I have just finished two mini non-ice cream ice cream bars of Tofutti "Cutie." It's part of my new laid-back California attitude. They are indistinguishable from regular ice cream bars, if only because the ice cream bars that I would usually buy once every ten months or so are priced at forty cents each and are built with mostly chemicals, glues, and sawdust (here I don't want to imply that "Cuties" are constructed of said materials, no, no! They are built of tofu and "isolated soy protein" among other ingredients). So if you happen to see any press releases about "Cuties" touting how much they taste like real ice cream bars, think to yourself:

"Is that really a very hard thing to do?"

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be signing books at the Altoona PA Borders from 3:00pm to 3:15pm.

Actually, I will be on the road later this week. I'm going home. I'll probably be able to update the home page there (and the weblog will continue to be updated fifteen skrillion times a day), but I'll be so busy checking back in with the whirlwind social life I had back in Detroit, I'll probably get all dizzy and forget all about you. "Stop! Stop I say, I simply cannot 'party' every single night of the week!" I will exclaim. "This is a familiar refrain, sir, and its absence was truly regretted", Jim, the leader of my posse, would retort. There would be a low-level bit of chortling within the ranks. I would slowly take a drag on my Montclair, and slyly indicate through non-verbal gestures that we should continue on to the next port of call. "Detroit," I would sneer, while putting out my cigarette with my right bowling shoe.

Then we'd all converge on Jim's apartment to play the "San Francisco" course of Test Drive IV and I'd emerge victorious because I had been there. I had been there.

1999may17. Interview with the "babysitter" for the Residents (nudge, nudge)

1999may17. Independent bookstores not dying off fast enough

1999may17. Some new Negativland stuff to consider.

1999may17. Random Stuff 37 Hours Before My Attempt to Circumnavigate A Small Number Of States With An Older Foreign Automobile.

1) Okay. I don't watch much TV anymore. I tune in for The Simpsons. But unfortunately, just before that is "World's Least Funniest Home Videos With Horrible Overdubbing That Makes You Want To Kill" or something like that.

And I caught the last video, the prize-winning video of May 16th.

The camera is slowly panning across the grass...panning, panning...then a dog appears in the shot ‒ it looks like a Boxer, maybe. Now we're locked on the dog, and the dog sees the camera and smiles.

I mean SMILES. Wide smile. Added about an inch and a half of mouth to either side of his face.

And right then I'm thinking Live Picture or some other editing software. Maybe I'm wrong. But GOD HELP ME IF I'M RIGHT.

2) The kids around my neighborhood all get together and play cool games all day while I'm WORKING MY ASS OFF TO KEEP THEM FED. Or at least me. They draw in colored chalk on the street, bizarre tables and graphs and diagrams, new games everyday. I try not to park my car on the diagrams, out of consideration and also so I can surrepticiously study them.

Today I found a 3x5 index card on the front lawn.

Codes

1 tap = Name
2 taps = Whatch (sic) out
3 taps = Here they come!
4 taps = They are still counting
5 taps = ?

I am ever vigilant for the taps, especially those of the three and five-tap variety.

1999may17. Soon there will be a pizza robot. Soon.

1999may17. New chapter to "She Hates My Futon"

1999may17. Lowbrow Moments. Some of these are funny. Some are not. Be sure to look only at the funny ones. [doc]

1999may17. This video is not endorsed by Cardhouse or its subsidiaries. It is offered for informational purposes only. [doc]

1999may17. "The Ewok Adventure" -- seven good reasons to skip The Phantom Menace, three others to meet the word count. Also, strange reference to "Boxing Day" from US-based writer ... Canadian transplant, or is there a US Boxing Day? I didn't get the memo.

1999may17. Kibo's Fake Dr. Pepper Round-Up. I make sure to read this at least once a season.

1999may18. Gesture as Value: dollar-sized art from an ATM.

1999may18. Hans Brinker Budget Motel. Errrrr, ummmm...

1999may18. Performance art projects

1999may18. The GFY site. (Undoubtedly a big hit with Deadbolt.) [Deuce]

1999may19. Monsanto pushes way too far, unleashes genetically-modified maize insecticidethat kills monarch caterpillars [rw]

1999may19. I will be on vacation for two weeks, starting tomorrow. My comrades will continue to update the weblog in my absence, but they are wisely not as devoted to it.

1999may19. Big corporations are probably wetting their pants in delight now that the internet can be used for this kind of psychographic data mining. [rw] "Come on, girls, we're giving you a VOICE! Give us your DEEP DARK SECRETS so we can sell them to Nike!" Oh, I'm just guessing on the Nike thing ... "a shoe company ... requested confidentiality" ... it ain't Hush Puppies, my friends. This is probably where all the new web.money is supposed to come from, endless polls (like Deja.com formerly Dejanews.com) that don't mean shit. Click the pretty shiny buttons, monkeys. CLICK THEM! "The monkeys click button 'A' a lot more, perhaps we should provide them with a pellet that has nothing to do with 'A' yet could be associated with 'A' via an obnoxious nationwide advertising campaign."

1999may19. Old 97's interview

1999may20. MIT pranksters at it again. But why did it have to involve Star Wars? (Here's some other MIT hacks. Maybe they're the ones who turned Rosie O'Donnell into Jabba the Hut.) Deuce

1999may21. Don't monkey with Oscar! [Deuce]

1999may21. Mark Simple travel update: Mark called me yesterday from the Model T Casino in Winnemucca, Nevada. It was a nostalgic call, because it was the first casino we'd ever been to back in 1995 when we stopped there on the way to Burning Man. Awash in nostalgia, I quickly got off the phone with him to watch the season finale of "Friends". [scb]

1999may21. This is too interesting to pass up...both because it involves a very clever, if horribly malicious, scam, and because it shows a very cool case of a lawsuit being filed and helpful even though it is against a totally anonymous party! [scb]

1999may24. [This link may send you to a website that features glasses that correct color blindness. I don't know, I'm web-blind right now.

1999may25. Three words, baby: Sony Robot Dog!!! [scb]

1999may25. The Gallery of Regrettable Food Deuce

1999may25. Bloody DO GOODERS! [Deuce]

1999may25. Iron Butterfly bassist becomes brilliant physicist, works on faster-than-light communications system for the government, then disappears from the face of the earth.

1999may25. "Australia has become the first country openly to admit that it takes part in a global electronic surveillance system that intercepts the private and commercial international communications of citizens and companies from its own and other countries." So when's the revolution, already?!? Deuce

1999may26. Through the grace of the IRS we can lose a little less. Thank you King IRS.

1999may27. NATO bodycount

1999may27. Excellent new Motorbooty in print

1999may28. When possible, create an atmosphere to facilitate healing.

1999may28. 'Private' mailboxes no longer private under new rules. Deuce

1999may31. Was "booby prize" ‒ already trademarked? Deuce


June 1999.

1999jun01. There is a strong moral imperative to help food biotech firms rake in the cash

1999jun02. Image editing ... on the web?

1999jun02. Iron Butterfly bassist becomes brilliant physicist, works on faster-than-light communications system for government, disappears from the face of the earth, then is (perhaps) found years later inside the wreckage of a minivan

1999jun03. Again, a special note: I am on vacation right now. Things will pick up next Monday or so, if I don't just chuck the whole thing and become a croupier in Winnemucca. I could do that, you know. DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! I HAVE ONE OF THOSE DICE STICKS!

1999jun05. Mail.

You may find these points somewhat edifying That big stupid thing: AKA shit on a stick we have its aesthetically tragic twin (sheep sized brown spherical things that look like well...shit suspended on 2 storey high poles masquerading as a corporate art work in Sydney Aust (appropriately next to a neon 6m x 3m coca-cola propaganda piece)corner of william st & darlinghurst rd...The head bible basher in the Filipines is called Cardinal Sin I saw this add (in a very staid newspaper catering to the extreme right bluerinse set, calling for "volunteer sewers" Im visualizing the contortions required to become a human excrement conduit, the fine print actually clarifys -volunteer seamstresses Theres a website for a corporation called alibi you might want to check out.

- kiff

You are speaking of Utah's The Stupidest Thing In The Whole World. I am sorry to hear that similar designs exist elsewhere. At least the one in Utah is in the middle of nothing...

1999jun06. I Was Morgan Fairchild's Love Slave Deuce

1999jun06. America. [cw]

1999jun06. Coming soon: the flying car Deuce

1999jun06. [Privacy] California sells your salary information. [fb]

1999jun06. r33t.org. Some sort of collaborative message board which is really quite grand.

1999jun07. Mail.

Please come back. we need your expertise on Dig Dug. It hasn't been the same these 17 years since you retired from video games.

Walter Day
Twin Galaxies

I think Walter is actually the guy who took down my high score... if that is possible.

1999jun07. My Very Special Trip to the Nike Store

1999jun07. Frigid Midget ice cube tray reviewed

1999jun07. First-person account of current American employment crisis

1999jun07. It's fun to smash things... and it's SCIENTIFIC!

1999jun07. This is quite funny. There's a black hole in the center of our galaxy. Although the news story does say that black holes "pull in matter" and that the solar system is orbiting it, it doesn't really go the extra mile to say that we're actually being PULLED IN by it. [is]

Wait, I've got some tag lines!

The universe actually does suck... now scientifically proven.

From the Big Bang to the Big Hole

My planet was swallowed by a black hole and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

Okay, I'll stop now. Are we going to get any sort of black hole ETA? I mean, will it be before or after the heat death of the sun? I need to know, I put everything in my little planner.

1999jun07. Children Use Space Shuttle Disco Ball To Destroy Enemies On Earth Via High-Intensity Light Beams. "Some of these children have developed extremely advanced tracking and firing procedures. The NSA will be watching them throughout their childhood and will probably pluck these Wunderkids out of high school," project coordinator Linda Ham may have said.

1999jun07. I don't know if it's specific to the BBC or what, but I've always liked this Y2k graphic. I think I'll steal it! Time for a Y2k crime spree!

1999jun07. Depleted Uranium nightmare continues to unfold.

1999jun07. Beginning chapter of Joan Didion's Uncovered Washington available at The New York Review of Books. [rw] Joan is uniquely qualified to tell you what to think about Washington what with her membership in the Council on Foreign Relations and all.

1999jun07. You may remember iNax, a wonderful Japanese parody consisting of a toilet designed exactly like an iMac. This is the page it appeared on ‒ it is no longer there, replaced now by a picture of the creator performing dogeza-suru and atama-wo-marumeru. His atama-wo-marumeru isn't exactly milspec. Did anyone grab that image of the iNax?

1999jun07. "Gimme my DRINKS, you crazy birds! My damned bloody DRINKS!!!!" Why is it that no one gets into fights on trains except in the movies?

1999jun08. Mail.

i must say that yr site is most entertaining to paw thru while at work while i am supposed to be working. . .

QUERY: seeing as you have many cool graphics of the variety i like (weird diagrams, cheesy 50s/60s line art, etc.), i was wondering if you knew where i could score some bingo (yes, the game) graphics for a magazine i'm designing.

thanks.

-- Holland

Holland has learned "the hard way" not to depend on my good graces when working with time-critical materials. I failed to scan the required bingo graphics I promised to within the specified period. I am ashamed. Let this be a lesson to you, the home surfer. Or to me, whoever.

1999jun08. Someday in the future, we will all wear stun belts and the government will shock us when we are bad. I think it's for the best.

1999jun08. The State Of Humor Today. Part One.

1999jun08. I also have a birthday wish. Can you guess what it is? Read on and try to figure it out!

1999jun08. Type in a keyword, and BannerStake will show you the ads that the search engines are programmed to show when that keyword is typed as part of a search. Here, I've entered the word "dumb," and surprisingly there are advertisers who want the valuable "dumb" demographic.

1999jun08. Ah. I tried entering "dfsdffs" into BannerStake and it still came up with banners. So that's misleading.

1999jun08. Advertisement plumbs the depth of tastelessness; client sues ad company

1999jun08. Pranks: SF Pro-Yuppie demonstration (warning: the writer/perpetrator pats himself so much on the back it may induce nausea) [os]

1999jun08. Big Boys Don't Fry: The Sexual Politics of Grilling (Lileks)

1999jun08. All About Male Nipples

1999jun08. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Japanese Snack Food ratings

1999jun08. More Brunching Shuttlecocks ‒ I really love this Good Or Bad series, I tells ya. I am extremely surprised by the current results ... especially the frontrunner! And the placing of Mount Rushmore is completely wrong.

1999jun08. Streetspeak

1999jun08. I had no idea there was even a move to install in-trunk trunk releases.

1999jun08. "The ID requirement

1999jun09. Just For The Headline (thanks to Britain)

1999jun09. So? What's the big deal here? This is what I do at my workplace. A guy's gotta eat.

1999jun09. Frito-Lay has a website for Planet Lunch called www.ploids.com. The slogan of the site, "It's your planet. It's your lunch. So you make the rules." is followed by seventeen paragraphs of legal boilerplate on terms and conditions. Candi

1999jun09. Big toe earthquake predictor

1999jun09. News Filler: "I have a smart bomb." No... no you don't, sir.

1999jun09. Ebay now has listings by photo and category ‒ here's the "totally bizarre" section.

1999jun10. News Filler: "Uhhh, he was about five foot four, kind of stocky, made out of cardboard... "

1999jun10. TV Chimps ... TONIGHT!

1999jun10. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work: "Foodborne Illness Peaks In Summer ‒ Why?" A ten-year-old could have made the same conclusions. "My empirical research indicates that it's hotter during the summer, and bacteria thrives during this time. Can I go play now?"

1999jun10. I could really go for a steaming portion of Hansen's disease right now.

1999jun10. Kana fonts

1999jun10. I've been looking for a nice portable record player for awhile now, and I accidentally ran into this page, which features what appears to be a Sony record player that can play records vertically (scroll down a bit).

1999jun10. RoboCup, a robot-oriented soccer game. We'll take those pansy robots on anytime.

1999jun10. The Macintosh Binary Cutter ‒ which may or may not be a utility to convert Windows binaries to Mac. I don't know what it does. It might be important.

1999jun10. Mah Jong font.

1999jun10. DRAIN THE LOCH!

1999jun10. Nice flowers.

1999jun10. The police protect and serve around the world.

1999jun10. Kana font "Scrap"

1999jun10. Monkey bowling

1999jun10. Kana/Roman font

1999jun10. Hooray! It's Pink Rabbit! Hooray! Pink Rabbit! If you don't understand what Pink Rabbit is all about, try this FAQ! Pinnnnnnnk... RABBIT!

1999jun10. Kana font: "Steel Edge"

1999jun10. Japanese garage sale

1999jun10. I don't know what this page is, but it's very important, since there's a penguin yelling "Donut!" on it. Perhaps, since he has wheels for legs, he is about to execute a donut in a parking lot somewhere.

1999jun10. Japanese design portfolio. There's something intoxicating about the "cram as much as you can into the grid" ethic that I haven't put my finger on quite yet.

1999jun10. Cibo Matto's new album slagged

1999jun10. Great interview with Yaphet Kotto

1999jun10. Detroit area man faces trial for swearing after being dumped by a canoe in fucking Standish, which is about seven or eight goddamned miles North of Pinconning, the stupid-ass cheese capital of the free world.

1999jun10. China's attempt to be first country to put man into space.

1999jun10. Privacy: Seems like every day there's another one of these stories.

1999jun10. Major anti-war protest completely ignored by our darling corporate-owned media

1999jun10. Weeoooo! It's not our fault! Bring back the CFCs!

1999jun11. Mail.

I'm trying to get hold of Lotte chewing gum in the US (Reno, Nevada). I specifically like the Sweetie, Muscat, Blueberry, and Mango flavors. I have a bunch of friends in the office who would also like somewhere to obtain this gum. Let me know if you can help-
Amy C.
Reno, NV

I am not up on the Lotte phenomenon. I suggest scouring Japanese and/or Chinese grocery/video/book stores.

1999jun11. Filler: Prosecution makes claim that runaway lorry driver was imitating movie. I'd love to see the transcripts for this case...

1999jun11. Quotes on liberty

1999jun11. Ummmm... click around a bit? "Enjoy" ... [bir]

1999jun11. Ira Glass talks about J.S.G. Boggs, money artist.

1999jun11. While driving back across the United States, I saw several wind farms, which I think are just the most damned delightful things to sit back and watch. Wind power! Wind power! Power from the wind ‒ how beautiful is that? I didn't spend much time looking for wind farm info but ended up finding this case study, and here's a good photo that illustrates exactly how big these mothers are ‒ see the tiny truck between the third and fourth windmill?

1999jun11. News Filler: Amish teens lured by drink, go HOG WILD

1999jun11. Milky Elephant: Shockwave oddity.

1999jun11. 40% of 1999 corn crop genetically modified. Dig in to that cereal, kiddies! Let's see what the science of today does to your tiny little bodies tomorrow! Fun for the whole family! Good thing there's a labelling program in place so consumers can decide if they want to eat GM crops or not. Wait a second...

1999jun11. Lumpen: the activist's library

1999jun11. Lumpen: Craig Baldwin profile

1999jun11. Lumpen: Oh, just read all of it. Cringe at the crappy table of contents interface.

1999jun13. Where exactly do large scale websites like imusic get their content from, like, say, a bio of Hasil Adkins? They STEAL it! It's much easier than actually writing.

1999jun14. How, exactly, does this place stay in business?

1999jun14. Word: Food Stylist. The less you contribute to humanity, the more you will make. Also, I popped this article out of its disgusting flashing-ad frame, it makes me twitch like a Japanese schoolgirl.

1999jun14. Big wad of Negativland press from ATN. Don't know when this published (just after Dispepsi?), ATN avoids using dates on articles for some reason.

1999jun14. Everywhere, America.

1999jun14. The movie review that could make you nauseous, baby! Yeah!

1999jun14. The Black Rock Desert Self-Invitational Golf Tournament

1999jun14. Awww yeah, Hostess snack ratings, Donettes makes the cut...orange cupcakes squeak by...

1999jun14. Filler: "Ding ding! All aboard the death train!"

1999jun14. Firecracker labels. Bless the web. Bless it.

1999jun15. Totally bizarre Coca-Cola health scare. The cola itself is not contaminated, there are claims of the "red paint on crates used to transport the drinks" reacted with the paint on the cans and caused the illnesses yet people drinking out of glass bottles also fell ill. Where the FUCK is Encylopedia Brown, that's what I want to know.

1999jun15. German tourists find body in bed ... again.

1999jun15. Webloggers suck

1999jun15. For the love of God, it's the MIRACLE PEPPER

1999jun15. Found photo.

(contributed by Craphound.)

I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out what that thing in the foreground is. (2006: It's a theatre light)

PS: Dig the innovative mirrored Saturnball

1999jun15. Massachusetts pushes against Supreme Court decision to allow police officers to order people out of their cars during traffic violation stops

1999jun15. We don't want those Powerball people in our neighborhoods. Please pass a law. Thank you, The Rich.

1999jun15. "You know, we're just not sure. I mean, it could be anything, even though we've ruled everything else out." "Have you looked into confections...say, candy, for instance?" "No, we have not looked into candy. This may be the cause of it. One day we will find the cause of it, and that day will be most glorious."

1999jun15. These kids know more about drugs than I do.

1999jun15. It's Freaky Thursday!

1999jun15. Old gum labels.

1999jun15. Two different causes of Coca-Cola sickness. I wonder if everyone who drank the stuff had to get past cans that "had rust-like patches and smelled bad."

1999jun15. What's the matter, LONDON? Don't you LIKE to buy things, lots of nice shiny NEW things? Pretty...shiny... [drool] Hey, if I was in London now, you KNOW I'd be "Driver #2" in a J18 car crash.

1999jun16. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work, Part MCMXVIII

1999jun16. I would like to live in a missile silo.

1999jun16. All right TREE! Go tree! [holds up lighter]

1999jun17. "The museum of failed consumer products is filled with exhibits such as the Betamax videocassette player, the eight-track tape and New Coke. And now there's Divx video-rental technology." ("One of these things is not like the others" ‒ 8-tracks didn't fail! But it's a good thing Divx has. Take THAT, Circuit City morons!)

1999jun17. Step back, Cintra's AT THE WHEEL!

1999jun17. Uddi Uddi. Free fonts, and the stylish remote-o-tron.

1999jun17. The Cringe on Worm.ExploreZip.

1999jun17. Lileks: The Lost Women of Swanson's

1999jun17. Genetic Explosion Sale! [via deuce of clubs, from strawberrylocks]

1999jun17. Red Helvetica America.

1999jun17. I recently took a trip from California to Michigan and passed, for the fifth time, the "Generic Motel" in Nebraska. A search for it on the web turned up this Chicago-California road trip.

1999jun17. "At least the trains run on time"

1999jun17. INS uses leg-shackles? What country am I in again?

1999jun17. "Okay, I'm going to hire you to protect me while I shoot my way into a mental-health facility." "Duh, okay."

1999jun18. Love TV Reruns? Then you'll want to join the fan club of THE Rerun! [doc]

1999jun18. Ralph Henke thinks BIG

1999jun18. "If you want der pizza American-stylen, you will der wanten BIG AMERICANS!"

1999jun18. Is this der German equivalent of The Spot?

1999jun18. What is this one made of, glue? Just one of the many pizzas tested at Pizzatest.

1999jun18. Kool-Aid Man remains curiously silent despite repeated requests to say "Oh, yeah!" Depression is a disease we all know and let's hope that Kool-Aid Man makes a quick recovery. [os]

1999jun18. Panda Wire: Hsing-Hsing stabilizes. I saw this bad boy back in 1978, when I was in D.C. on a business trip.

1999jun18. The Smoking Gun Theme Song by Jon Flansburgh. I saw this bad boy back in 1997 when I was in NYC on a non-business trip.

1999jun18. The Gore Tax

1999jun18. "This is the CIA ... testing, testing? One two three? Okay, I think he can hear me. Press what? Oh... whoops. Here is your first command: produce crippling truckloads of documentation about your condition. Over."

1999jun18. FREE IDEA: Eventually some smarty-smart will make a browser plug-in that pre-analyzes all the jpg files on a given webpage and gives a thumbs-up or down depending on how much flesh tone is in the pictures.

1999jun18. Made in America! Progressive Review claims that Victoria's Secret, JC Penny, IBM, Toys R Us and TWA use prison labor. Here's some corroboration on Victoria's Secret, here's another essay.

1999jun18. Article by Angela Davis on prison labor.

1999jun19. Some degree confluences can be hazardous to your health. [doc]

1999jun21. [Pictures? On the RADIO? harumph] Impossible!

1999jun21. "I don't see probable cause here, officer." "I, ummm, [believe that there is drugs in the carhttp://dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/ap/ap_headlines/story.html?s=v/ap/19990621/ts/court_car_search_1.html]? Yes. That is what I believe."|

1999jun21. Biometric FUN!

1999jun21. Wow, how inspiring, just like those rich balloonist dorks. He's RISKING his LIFE!

1999jun21. Nazi shopping mall

1999jun21. In China, heroin users are locked up, fined $500, and then they work off the debt in prison. This is really not much different from the American system, except you might get to make lace panties for Victoria's Secret (see below).

1999jun22. Mail.

WHERE CAN I FIND LOTTE CHOCOLATE SUNFUNS.
MBi

I SAID I DON'T KNOW WHERE PERHAPS YOU COULD TRY AN ASIAN GROCERY STORE.

1999jun22. Sock monkey REVENGE [jess]

1999jun22. Administration: I have been rather "busy" the last few days. This trend will continue. I know you care.

1999jun22. Handy Phrases

1999jun23. Pepsi Dearest

1999jun23. Dense Wire: Coinless cola vending machines activated by cell phone?? Damn glad I don't drink any of that crappy sugar water.

1999jun23. Finland has had cell phone vending machines since late 1997. The poor bastards.

1999jun23. Jammin' with da animals! (shockwave)

1999jun23. Unlocking the delicious secrets of ASPIRIN

1999jun23. Excellent Superbad! SUPERBAD!

1999jun24. Big deal, we want Dealey Plaza Sewercam!

1999jun24. How do we keep our big overbloated NASA staff employed? [music swells]

1999jun24. I certainly hope one can "opt-out" of a talking ATM. "Your balance is--" "SHUT UP!!! SHHHH!!!!"

1999jun24. Disappearing ink is TOP-SECRET [thanks to adam]

1999jun24. What's that say? Mixin' scratchin'?

1999jun24. Supreme Court rules that the federal government may ban prisoners from receiving Playboy, Penthouse, or other sexually-explicit magazines. Among the magazines listed as being specifically excluded from the ban is the Victoria's Secret catalog. You know, so prisoners can at least see their handiwork (see dead horse, jun 18th).

1999jun25. More favicon.ico bullshit from Microsoft ... as if it wasn't bad enough that Chairman Bill went off the board to create this headache, it could also be exploited to run spurious code and read your hard drive. SHUT IT DOWN COMPLETELY. Put me in an alley with the guy who thought of this ...

1999jun25. Out of control Maakies!

1999jun25. I can't think of anything to say for this one.

1999jun25. Star Wars action figures placed here and there, comically, with amusing accompanying dialogue. [fb]

1999jun25. SF parking (in annoying font)

1999jun25. Pay the door, pay the mom, pay the DJ, pay for the items, pay the house, pay the makeup artist, now SMILE while you earn it all back: the grim life of a stripper presented in the form of a rulebook

1999jun26. Mixin' scratchin' 2: Actually, i think THIS has a closer feel vinyl on a turntable. Take THAT Pioneer. [jon]

1999jun27. $271 for running a red light. Enforced by camera. Beyond all of this, California seems to have a problem timing lights ‒ sometimes I hit the line when a light turns yellow, and then it turns red before I get through the intersection at the speed limit. I think a good jury-rigged solution to this problem until the larger issue of privacy in society is hammered out would be something like a slingshot or a paintgun.

1999jun28. Mail.

I don't CARE what people say. I LOVE the current Cardhouse colors. Orange, Green, and occaisonally a spot of Blue. Them's Nationwide colors, man!

Tim H

[preparing for Nationwide lawsuit]

1999jun28. Mail.

Well i think the colours are just fine. The small bold text was a bit hard to read, but that's just my opinion. Don't let the Man get you down! Surely quality content is more important than green freakin' type.

jez

One for two ain't that bad.

1999jun28. Once again, I have forgotten to provide a pointer to new Cardhouse material. This is a raster-to-vector algorithm that will help you if you are looking for a raster-to-vector algorithm.

1999jun28. non-Disney Orlando animatronic horses COMING RIGHT AT YOU!

1999jun28. Scary SPIDER GOATS

1999jun28. Jobs That Would Make Most People Slowly Go Insane, Part XVIII

1999jun28. So stylish... so very ash!

1999jun28. Goofus and Janus, all rolled into one.

1999jun28. Found photo.

(contributed by Jason S.)

The Used RV Series.

These were developed from negatives found in a used RV (There's a picture of the RV in one of the photos). They probably belong to the owner before the owner that sold it to the current owner (who's the one who found the negatives and developed the pictures). I am now terrified of hot tubs and sun rooms.

- Jason

Ah, Monte Carlo! You devil of a city, you.

Bavaria! Land of intrigue!

The Used RV Series draws to a close.

The family "toughens it out" in Death Valley.

1999jun29. Mail.

Hey, don't change your color scheme! It rocks!

- chainsaw

And it will continue "rocking," Mr. Chainsaw!

1999jun29. The study of humor. Check out the "Jennings" example in the text, it's a killer. Are these people humor archaeologists? And ... oh dear god ... a HOSPITAL CLOWN ... yes, funny times are sure to be had at this conference!

1999jun29. What's so public about public TV? A FAIR study.

1999jun29. Web collage [via ntk]

1999jun29. Ten Months Later: a mediation on Fry's, the electronics store DMZ.

1999jun29. Contest: The Tackiest Place in America

1999jun29. We Cannot Help. Pray For Deliverance, Oh America.

1999jun29. KPFA in Berkeley now has armed guards outside the studio.

1999jun29. A poorly-designed website featuring information on the Pacifica/KPFA debacle.

1999jun29. Zzzzzz... wake me when it's over... [todd]

1999jun29. In the middle of this excellent Hostess/comic book shill page is this Preacher parody ... where did that come from?

1999jun29. This whole site is beautiful. Tops. Fifteen stars out of twelve and half.

1999jun29. Nice summary of those stupid email hoaxes certain people fall for over and over, including a funny "Good Times" parody hoax ("It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog.")

1999jun29. "Marketable." Not "interesting" or "best." Marketable. Glad I'm not writing a book.

1999jun29. For those of you scoring at home: moderate consumption of alcohol does not have health benefits this week. (scroll down a bit)

1999jun29. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Vicious Vegan

1999jun29. Get him! Get him! Wait...oh my god, that's Bruce Willis as a kid, WATCHING HIMSELF DIE!!! NOOOOOoooOOOOOO!!!! The end.

1999jun29. "Shhhhh, Timmy ... no one can hear your McScreaming in here."

1999jun30. For the love of god, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

1999jun30. TURIN? TURIN gets 2006? Not Poprad-Tatry?

1999jun30. I think I've uncovered the lynchpin of the Slovakia 2006 olympic candidature bid failure. That's the kiss of death right there, the "HAPPY OLYMPIC GAMES" thing.

1999jun30. There goes my nest egg. I was going to CLEAN up on pins.

1999jun30. Netomat now available.

1999jun30. ICA Experiences: in the theatre, in the cinema.

1999jun30. Public media labs.


July 1999.

1999jul01. Those crazy earth-centric scientists. Perhaps WE'RE the rogue planet. Oh, wait, I'm on vacation! Never mind.

1999jul01. Mail.

If you haven't already, you should see this: http://www.easybake.com

Either Joe Butler is the next Wolgang Puck w/ his ass-baggy "Scrumptuous Orange Nut Cake" or nobody is. He was robbed...

My favorite part is the pulsing baked goods in the navigation bar. Although bits from "Through the Years" are ghastly:

1970 ‒ Beatles break up
1987 ‒ NY Stock Exchange crash
1991 ‒ NC-17 rating is introduced

I think that I'm going to stick my head in my Easy Bake oven now...

Thanks,
Donaldson

(2006: Still one of my favorite email messages. Ass-baggy.)

1999jul03. Luxor (LV).

Casino win/loss: $-1.35.
Total win/loss: $-67.55.

The change attendants will roll their eyes if you try to get a nickel for five pennies. That was all the pocket change Doc and I had left between us, and I figured since it was one of those magical things, coming up with exactly five pennies between us, that this clearly was going to net us some serious coin. It did not.

I need to go to other casinos in Vegas, thank you, I've already been to the Luxor. I called my mom from there and she said that I had to go to L'Orange, or something like that. Barrage? Bellagio. "I'm not going to be here long," I said. "You have to go RIGHT NOW!" Mom really likes the Bellagio.

Also, check this out ‒ Mandalay Bay goes on and on about how you can surf at their wave pool, and if you call up, sure enough, they'll chat you up big time about the surfing at the wave pool. But guess what? That's right! No surfing! There's some ongoing thing about insurance, etc, etc, so they blew that one! We were going to stay there the night! That's fun to say in a sexy voice, though... "'Mandalay Bay' will return after these messages..."

1999jul05. Rocket man.

1999jul05. The "gallery" of "misplaced" quotation "marks" "."

1999jul05. Penguin measuring device.

1999jul05. Mullets Galore!

1999jul06. Frogs got PrettyPark! [via unobserved utterances]

1999jul06. My Boot Movie Theater

1999jul06. Privacy: What privacy?

1999jul06. How to figure out fake email addresses

1999jul06. RV use at all-time high. "It's no longer looked upon as unhip to hog the road.'' I believe hood-mounted surface-to-air missiles would also look "hip" on my car.

1999jul06. Oh, just roll over and die, America.

1999jul06. The Price Is Right games explained. I was a big fan of Money Game back in the day. The Old Front 'n' Back trick cracks me up ... Bob's one crazy motherscratcher. [mp]

1999jul07. I can't get enough of these Price is Right games. Here's "Three Strikes." If I was playing that game, I'd uniquely gouge each of the chips as I hauled it up so I'd never get another strike. Then I'd win that damned Cadillac! The ladies would be checking my action out with such a sweet chariot under my total control.

1999jul07. Here is a cartoon by Michael Kupperman, and here is a list of cartoons by Michael Kupperman.

1999jul07. Michael Kupperman: What Might Happen If Mark Twain And Albert Einstein Were To Team Up To Dig A Hole To The Center Of The Earth? (part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

1999jul08. Okay, I am back from the desert now. I was sick out there. It was fun. I went to the Luxor in Las Vegas and laughed at the dumb things. Also people kept stealing my fork while I was pigging out, American buffet hog style. Not wise, leaving me the knife for revenge.

In other news, a real estate agent stuck an American flag/pole into the lawn the other day with a dopey letter attached to it, with phrases like "Flagstravagnza" (sic!!!), "this is one of my many ways of giving back to the community for making me top producer," and "thanks in advance to all who showed their support, by prominently displaying their flag."

Support of what? Support of you? Support of America? SUPPORT OUR TROOPS! THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!!! What a fuckhead. Nothing like advertising coat-tailing on people's patriotism. Shit on top of shit.

So I burned the flag.

1999jul08. When did we all decide that clicking an ad banner would be a good metric? We don't click billboards or television commercials, we watch passively or change the channel. Most advertising revenue that doesn't fit the familiar models (radio, tv, billboards) is also determined in terms of exposure -- someone actually sits down and watches, for example, the Indy 500 to determine how many seconds the logo for Taco Bell appears on the screen, whether shown by the flash of a car or on a pit crew member's logo-crammed suit. Advertisers better re-think their payment model for web banners and just accept the fact that people wouldn't click on a billboard, even if they could. Not that I care, all corporations and advertising agencies can and should go straight to hell.

1999jul08. Jim Mahfood (comics)

1999jul09. Ohmigod omigod...an interview with the COFFEE GUY from The Matrix!

1999jul09. Privacy: Where's my baseball bat?

1999jul09. Way too much about Salmon P. Chase.

1999jul09. Privacy: Dentists in California have to do it ... Now it's doctors in Florida. Why not just have EVERYONE do it. That way, there would be NO crime!

1999jul09. "Yeah, and Armstrong won't give me the clubs ... uh-huh ... well, I can't tell, I'm wearing a spacesuit! Jeez... anyway, did you guys ... WHAT THE???" "What's wrong, over?" "The line went dead, over." "Houston?" "Houston?" "Oh, you BETTER not be reading that stupid Moon Disaster document! You said we were going to rehearse the splashdown today!!! That's it ... I'm out of here." {WALKS OFF SET}

1999jul09. Bring in the feds! Bring 'em in! Come up with some more excuses, bring 'em in! A national police force is exactly what we need to beef up at all costs!

1999jul09. "We've traced the call... it's coming from INSIDE THE HEADQUARTERS!"

1999jul09. I was in line in the supermarket the other, buying things, and I saw the most bizarre t-shirt. Some woman was wearing a t-shirt for Allegra, and on the back was the five thousand teeny-tiny paragraphs of boilerplate about the product, sort of like this entry, but a lot more than it. Lots more. My policy is not to eat things that take longer to read about than ingest.

1999jul12. 721 gums up Metababy again

1999jul12. Take it to the hole, Jorn, TAKE IT TO THE HOLE!!!! I'm tired of re-coding and re-re-coding text files ...

1999jul12. Found photo.

My SO used to work at Kinko's, and while there he found scads of left-behind photographs and copies of photographs. I scanned many of these pics to use in my digital artwork, along with a few photos I found in weird places like BART, grocery store sidewalks, etc.

- Wire Mommy

This would make a good album cover.

This would not.

Automobile. Juice squeezer.

This photo is way too white.

In the late 1940's, Americans were slowly being devoured by their own clothes.

1999jul12. Japanese junk food

1999jul12. Circus peanuts is people!

1999jul12. Visit Our Small World ... from Eboy

1999jul12. *Real* Magic 8-Ball on the web

1999jul12. Privacy: Your medical records can now be read by just about any corporation. Hooray!

1999jul12. There are fonts here, but the site won't be up until July 14th.

1999jul12. Marijuana ... IN THE NEWS! A oddly flaccid Suck about Our Great Nation's drug czar, and California wants to ID medical marijuana users. My guess is that there's enough room on the MAGNETIC STRIPE on the back of California driver's licenses to store a one-bit "approved toker code". What exactly is on that stripe, anyway? [thought trails off...]

1999jul12. [The only reason I've called your attention to this news story is for the following quote: "There's not as much killing. Children are not walking around with as many guns and knives as they were six years ago.'' I'm going to go out on a limb and say that maybe each child has two or three guns and/or knives, down from, say, six or seven?|http://www.foxnews.com/js_index.sml?content=/news/national/0712/d_rt_0712_76.sml]

1999jul13. Federal Government sues Toyota for $56+ BILLION dollars for non-regulatory computerized emission monitors. I'm really torn on this one, lesser evil-wise, but what's this about hydrocarbon vaport leaks being indicated by simply lighting the "check engine" light? Why isn't there, say, a two-digital code piped into the dashboard? (I think there is a place you can hook up a little diagnostic device and get the code, but how about something for the driver? how about it, America?)

1999jul13. Privacy: Gore announces plan to continue, even bypass, the Clinton Legacy

1999jul13. Picasso fathead

1999jul13. More Maurizio Cattelan: Stadium and an unfortunately small Bidibidobidiboo (depicting a squirrel which has committed suicide).

1999jul13. Chris Burden: When Robots Rule: The Two Minute Airplane Factory. Information, photos (eh).

1999jul13. Temp workers getting stiffed on overtime by their own hands, sort of.

1999jul13. Dr. Cliff is IN THA/THEE HOUSE!!!

1999jul13. Ebay: The Law of The Camp Fire Girls

1999jul13. Found photo.

(contributed by Hoopla; Found outside Louisville, KY.)

WINNER: BEST FOUND PHOTO OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

1999jul13. Found photo.

(contributed by Hoopla; Found outside Louisville, KY.)

This dog just got his ass whipped by a pumpkin.

1999jul13. [You're guests here. No, really. You know what? We're going to, get this, waive the admission costs for all of you. All you have to do is ride on that float over there. Just wave to the people. They want to see you. Thanks for bringing in more suckers errr I mean, being "guests of honor" here. [next joke] " ...and it's even bigger than this," he said [transmission ends]|http://www.channel2000.com/news/stories/news-990711-140245.html]

1999jul13. Flash Mountain t-shirts. Wear'em to Splash Mountain, get your picture taken, complete the cycle.

1999jul13. More delightful information on the Council of Foreign Relations

1999jul13. Bilderberg Spring Break 1998!

1999jul13. An Exciting Drama In Which Canada Becomes The 51st State

1999jul13. Hello, Tarot! [suck]

1999jul13. Dave's Record Collection: it starts at one and ends at nineteen, but the navigational menu sort of pops in and out through the whole thing. I'm sure you can figure out the filenames. You're like that, figuring things out on your own! [suck]

1999jul13. Let's all play the Skin Rash And Other Changes Game! "This is probably a BRUISE."

1999jul14. Love... exciting and forced... come aboard... we're assaulting youuuuUUUUUUU!

1999jul14. Bible gum.

1999jul14. Dead kids. "I'll probably need a nine-iron for this one."

1999jul14. Monthly cigar reviews... YOU could be a tester! Free cigars!

1999jul14. Story Minute by Carol Lay

1999jul14. Rest in peace, Bunny.

1999jul14. Nice logo.

1999jul14. I think I'm going to be SICK

1999jul14. A mysteriously appealing webpage/photo.

1999jul14. Ever since I moved to California, letters and packages sent via USPS to my p.o. box have been mysteriously delayed or gone missing at a fascinating rate. Perhaps I should move to some podunk town in the middle of nowhere, then maybe I'd get my mail.

1999jul14. Chocolate-covered cat tongues. Kids love 'em!

1999jul14. I wanted to go on the Quest for the Secret Flavour, but I don't want to register my email name... but look at those swaying, inviting palms ... secret ... flavour ...

1999jul14. Sex gum.

1999jul15. Mail.

Hello. I work for IGA, a grocery store here in eastern Canada. I could probably lose my job for telling you this... I work in the seafood department, and they pay me thirty six cents extra a week to poison our lobsters. It's part of a government sponsored program to reduce the crime rate in my area. The poison they supplied was Digitalis. Personally, I hate having to do this, My job is to sell you fish... but deep down inside I know I'm supposed to keep you safe. This week lobster are on sale, and be sure to check out the variety of Foxglove in our gardening department. Be sure to ask the attendant for "something to end the pain"

You got it, Canadian IGA man!

1999jul15. Ebay: Hello? No... Hello? Nope... Hello? Hello? DAMMIT!!! [deuce]

1999jul15. Make Your Own Ink Jet Finger

1999jul15. Star Bears

1999jul15. From "Star Bears" ‒ Ewoks take it in the cakes

1999jul15. Word: Stunning Eastern Design

1999jul15. Word: The Terminal Years (Pekar)

1999jul15. Privacy: And eventually we'll all be giving our thumbprints every time we're stopped ... say it... SAY IT...

1999jul15. Fat boys vote for MORE

1999jul15. The US government has finally decided to compensate workers who have contracted Beryllium disease. This newsbit reads like it's in the past tense, but there was a safety inspection in one of the Beryllium plants only days ago. Here's the investigative article that exposed this startling fifty year government/corporate cover-up.

1999jul15. The Making Of The Making Of The Origin Of The Rocketcar Story

1999jul15.

Farmington, Michigan.

Candice Miller is Michigan's current Secretary of State. This is where you get your vehicle registration, your driver's license, etc. There's about 150 Secretary of State offices in Michigan, each with their own little Candice Miller-augmented sign, most of them not as elaborate as this one.

Candice Miller is an elected official.

So when she "steps down," these signs will have to be changed ‒ in this case, half of this sign will be destroyed.

Government: Serving "you" with your dollars!

Primm, Nevada.

This is a Tommy Hilfinger billboard. It is very large, especially when there's nothing else around it. You skootch around it, and you've got a casino on one side, and the open desert on the other.

A billboard in the desert looks very strange. The Tommy people are all very happy. I was sort of hoping that I could be like them, but it was very hot and we were getting gas and there was a guy who directed cars to each pump, apparently all day long and he seemed sort of stern. So I wasn't happy at all. But he was wearing a straw boater, which is nice.

I don't know where the monorail goes. I think it goes from casino to casino, they're both owned by the same people. Or do the casinos own the people?

The monorail should also go out in the desert a ways then come back with a little stop in the middle. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the desert." Then the people on the monorail could take pictures.

1999jul15. Dr. Cliff visits the Mojave desert phone booth

1999jul15. Looks like I moved to the wrong coast.

1999jul15. Sierra Madre residents torn over blowing horn. "It's part of the town. Sierra Madre has that atmosphere of kind of like a Midwest town," said a bartender. Yeah, that's all they do out in the midwest, blow horns all day long. Toot, toot.

1999jul15. Phyllis Schlafly: Alive???

1999jul15. The Sahara: Always sexy.

1999jul15. Headlines... IN THE NEWS! [thanks to tim]

1999jul15. Vinyl...LIVES! Mondo vinyl! For sale!

1999jul16. Wired goes apeshit over the future again. "We will be able to snort these tiny computers just like cocaine, for example. Then we will become stars, baby. We will become stars."

1999jul16. Feed blasts Eyes Wide Shut. Also, here is my Tom Cruise impersonation: "What kind of ... charade ... ends up with... someone... dead." It's funnier in person.

1999jul16. The only flag I salute.

1999jul16. Thumb cuffs. "Bad thumbs! You're going to THUMB JAIL!"

1999jul17. All About Gummi

1999jul17. [Administration] Amazon auctions and Ebay are both dead in the water, and I just deleted all the entries for today's weblog! It's an exciting day on the net. I will retrieve them tomorrow with my special powers of weblog-entry retrieval.

1999jul17. This just in... man plays perfect game of Pac-Man... ???

1999jul17. Your tax dollars not at work.

1999jul17. 721: Candy cigarettes.

1999jul17. Science ON THE MARCH! [drudge]

1999jul17. Movin' to Banbury! Need a sex book or two!

1999jul17. Found photo.

Hi I'm sending the photo i told you about. I found it as i told you in Mexico City at Metropolitan station "Insurgentes" two months ago. I think they're fans of a local soccer team named "Chivas" (Goats).

- Aaron C.

I am also a fan of "Chivas." It is probably not the same Chivas.

WINNER: FOUND PHOTO WITH MOST PEOPLE PICTURED

1999jul18. Exactly how fatty is that Burger King meal you're eating in Germany? Find out instantly! Don't forget to add the BIER!!!! (extra fun: click every circle ... crank up that Eiweiß!)

1999jul18. Senden der Burger Kinger POSTCARDEN! (checking out der TV for der cowen!) Wo ist der KING, eh?

1999jul18. I want my gum to come from an oil derrick, thank you very much!

1999jul19. The Triumph Of Unchecked Patriotism! I especially enjoy the "envy of the world" bit.

1999jul19. "Use the force, Luke!" "Oink, oinkKKKKKKKkkk oink. Oink."

1999jul19. I am becoming irritated. I need a piece of software that allows me to organize photos and attach large wads of text to each photo. Yet I cannot find such a program. If you have any suggestions, please to contact me.

1999jul19. Jones Soda photos.

1999jul19. I find this extremely funny. I am sorry.

1999jul19. Spacemoose. A comic.

1999jul19. The Central Intelligence Museum. Everything can explode if you work at it.

1999jul19. A nice travel kit.

1999jul19. This reads as if it came from The Onion... "Sorrow...joy...badness, and goodness, bringing together America ... good, bad ..."

1999jul19. Exciting new law: Michigan police to give tickets to people who don't merge soon enough before a construction zone. "Courtesy tickets represent a virtually-limitless untapped source of state revenue and police agression," a MDOT representative may have said.

1999jul19. My nightmare scenario is unfolding.

1999jul19. One billion dollar budget proposal to continue failed war on drugs.

1999jul19. Zzzzzzz...zzzzzzhrmhaHAMRwhut?

1999jul19. Kid Castro tries to bum some money off of FDR

1999jul20. "You're listening to XEMU, all rock, all the time! Let's GO TO THE E-METERS!" [via metababy]

1999jul20. I really enjoy surfing the net randomly, visiting strange, exotic countries far, far away, and not really "getting" the culture, but still, having a bit of awe, a whole heap o' respect for their very different environments and traditions...

1999jul20. Okay, you have to pony up five JDs for the Jordanian Safeway Gold Card, but you know what that gets you? I'll tell you what that gets you ... that gets you a 20% discount on hormones, that's what that gets you. Remember, they will call your child on his/her birthday! Jordanian kids got it goin' on, ain't no one from Safeway 'round here going to call my kid. Maybe I could collect a "symbolic gift" instead. "This gift represents the well-wishes of the entire Safeway organization, if you look over here at this organization chart, from this level (points) on down to the lowly bagger (points again). Thank you for shopping at Safeway Jordan. You are going now."

1999jul20. For the love of God, I don't know how I missed this... it's the JORDANIAN SAFEWAY CYBER TUNNEL

1999jul20. Oh great. There goes my working day. [requires flash]

1999jul20. Ebay auctions that are WRONG [jon]

1999jul20. UK's bleeding-edge "Netizens" now using fascinating "cyberlinguistic" "emoticons" "and" "abbreviations" ... READ IT NOW! GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR! ;) That's a "smiley," a "winking smiley"

1999jul20. Drinky Crow doin' what he knows.

1999jul20. Hometown pride! There's white...and there's white... and there's Royal Oak, Michigan!

1999jul20. Warner Brothers Cartoon Companion

1999jul20. Reviewing books that haven't come out yet, part XVIII

1999jul20. It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog "Best Of Archives" Weblog Archives: Chopigami

1999jul20. Headlines... IN THE NEWS!

1999jul20. Spacewurm is tappin' the cell phone call... [word via feed]

1999jul21. "Thanks to a document that was revealed to me on the NASA server, I now believe that I have a better explanation of the cause of today's scrubbed launch. Vikings!" [travis/donaldson]

1999jul21. Penguyans is practically smokers

1999jul21. Quincy, M.E. ‒ The Punk Rock Episode

1999jul22. Listen to 4th Amendment rights being trampled in San Francisco and other major cities! Fun for the whole family! [via Jay]

1999jul22. Everyone's going NUTS over BROASTED CHICKEN!

1999jul22. The "Shopping Avenger" on U-Haul's pathetic "non-reservation reservation" policy. A) I have used or participated in a U-Haul rental three times now, and it has been nothing but sorrow and flared tempers each time. Avoid at all costs. B) I am a bit disconcerted by Slate columnists using their column names as their own, like "The Shopping Avenger" and "Chatterbox." I guess that makes them THAT MUCH EASIER TO REPLACE [cue orchestra stab from the Jetsons when Jane came popped into the living room with that really fucked-up hairdo, which was really the only good thing about the Jetsons save Astro's speech impediment ("Ruh-roh, Rorge!")]

1999jul22. "Hey, where's the shoe polish?"

1999jul22. Oooooh, that Abe from Road Rules... he's even more of a jerkoff than you think!

1999jul23. Save Route 666! [deuce]

1999jul23. Mail.

Broasted chicken???

WE SELL Broasted chicken! In fact, Campbell's Mobil is reknowned for it! (it's better than KFC, everyone says). Having worked there a month, often serving and smelling the delicious chicken bits, tonight I finally sampled a piece. It was the most juicy, tasty piece of fried chicken I'd ever had. Delicious. It was what they call a "keel"- big piece of white meat with very little in the means of bones, very meaty, very tasty.

And tonight- the first night I try Broasted chicken...you put up a Weblog link on Broasted chicken.

I sell Broasted chicken.

Tim H.

1999jul23. I'm very tired. It feels like someone kicked me in the face. But tomorrow I will be BRIGHT AND SHINY for my darling groovy panel discussion at Webzine99. We've got the first slot. We're going to be STERLING, I know this to be true. I was asked to provide a list of questions into a larger "pool" that the moderator could choose from for the panel entitled "JUST BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO YOU DOESN'T MAKE IT INTERESTING" and/or "making the transition from print to online." Here is what I wrote. I am sorry.

How does one make... the transition ... from print to ... online? Discuss. What are the advantages/disadvantages of both? Of neither? Either/or? Who's got time for all of this shit? I mean, between work, and just keeping up with the bills and such. Why does everything on the screen look ten times worse than anything in print? Is anyone reading your webzine? At all? PHP, XML, HTML, Perl, Java, Javascript, Flash. Does anyone really care? Isn't it just like some sick treadmill of dancing baloney and crappy rollovers? Who would want to keep up? Is this a good question? How about this one? Groupies? What are your future plans for your website? Are there any? How much time are you spending per week on your website? [pause for answer here] That seems like a lot of time. Shouldn't you get some sort of social life? [answer] I find that hard to believe. [answer] Hahahahah! That's so fucking sad! JFK Jr... could there have been a SECOND, ADDITIONAL plane? Your doctor tells you have one month to live. Put it on your website, or catch the first taxi to the airport? Because of some hypothetical debilitating illness, you can only work in one medium ‒ print, or on the web. What happened? Are you okay? Should we call a doctor? Oh my god...CALL 911! What happens when someone writes in because they think you're wacky and they're quite similar, but it turns out that they're really fucking disturbed? Do you toy with them, or ignore them? Is there some bizarro quality vs. quantity relationship with email vs. actual letters? Does it seem like you got better, longer letters in the mail, but now that everyone's on the net, that's never going to happen again and you're just going to keep getting these stupid "your site ROCKS" emails for the next ten years? Are you a bit glum? Here, have a Tic-Tac. [distribute Tic-Tac(s)] They're orange! Do people make comments about wishing that they had as much time as you seem to have on your hands? Do these people have some sort of death wish? Do you offer to shoot up their TV tube the next time you're over? Do you do it even if they don't want you to? Y2k. That's all I have here, it says "Y2k." Are you getting more eyeballs at your website, or reading your magazine? "Eyeballs," that's pretty funny. Are all of the "hep" teenagers down with the net porn? Has anyone complained about the content of your site? Did you enact some sort of revenge? Does anyone want to go with the panel members to get some pizza [check with panel first]?

1999jul25. Free Milk Night! Not tonight. It's over, cholly.

1999jul26. The answer to the hopes and dreams of many. doc

1999jul26. Delusional woman has no life

1999jul26. Woodstock Four-dollar Pretzel Riot '99!

1999jul26. Unsurprising one-note (webzines SEEKING cash, webzines as a REACTION to e-commerce, etc) [review of Webzine '99 by Wiredhttp://www.wired.com/news/news/culture/story/20934.html] (the "build your own webzine" section wasn't even mentioned)|

1999jul26. How do ya like my NEW HAIRDO? (special thanks to Mr. Pants) Also a special "hello, good to see you" to all of the funky fresh folks I met at Webzine '99.

1999jul26. Inconspicuous Consumption: the Cavalier CSS-64 coin-operated soda machine

1999jul27. An important story that comes from here.

1999jul27. Large gallery of mid 70's-80's Soviet products with commentary (roll over the "i")

1999jul27. EPA finally "gets" MTBE. "Uhhh, someone sent us a memo, or something, I had it here just a second ago..."

1999jul27. Privacy: The gloves come off. Social Security Numbers on driver's licenses, hell, throw those thumbprints on there as well. This will stem the tide of illegal immigrants, for sure!

1999jul27. ICANN proposing a DIFFERENT global tax. Everyone wants a piece of that sweet, sweet internet pie. Hands off, you grubby kitties!!!

1999jul27. Pink snow theories

1999jul27. "Thanks for designing our fall line... here's SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS! Huh? What about that, then?" [rw]

1999jul27. Pathetic Geek Story. That is quite a doozy.

1999jul28. Mail.

From: Jason Lubas
To: [a cardhouse operative]@cardhouse.com

I just came across your site, and thought you might be interested in our service, [name here] [URL here]. We offer a FREE web based email service that allows you to use YOUR DOMAIN NAME! For example: username@cardhouse.com.

Not only is this a FREE service to you and your users, it also virtually guarantees repeat and constant traffic on your site daily! Web based email is a fun and easy way for your viewers to have an email address they love. And a great way for you to send your viewers new and resourceful updates about your site.

Come and check us out [URL here].

Or contact me personally at: 1(800) 468-8915 ext. 594.

Hope to hear from you soon!!
Jason Lubas

Man, a real phone number. You don't usually get that with spam. And there's NOTHING I can do if one of my readers decides to call this person. Nothing. I mean, if someone took it upon themselves to let Jason know that we already have our domain-name mail addresses under control, and that Jason himself sent email to a cardhouse.com email address in much the same way an ad-man would try to sell snow to Eskimos, my hands are pretty much tied.

Special Message To Jason When He Finds This Page: Hi sweetie. Love the work. Where have you been? Let's do lunch.

1999jul28. Ah. The Muffler Men are in a separate substrate known as the "Gallery of Huge Beings". Look, there's BIG JOHNSON! And... Mammy's cupboard?

1999jul28. I like this listing. It's part of the Minnesota Historical Society ... they are also denoting various roadside statuary. But this category is "Smaller Than Real Life," and one of the entries is "Muffler Creature (robot)." Clearly the Minnesota Historical Society believes that A) there is such a "real life" thing as a Muffler Creature, and B) this piece of statuary is smaller than the actual Muffler Creature.

Cardhouse Travel Advisory in effect until further notice: Avoid Minnesota until the whereabouts (and size) of the Muffler Creature are made public.

1999jul28. Yes, the MHS also believes that gnomes are real, too. Do I have to point out everything?

1999jul28. Feed: The Myth of the Book Glut. I like the phrase "Bodega Ratio."

1999jul28. Feed: Porn, porn, PORN! An interview with a editorial assistant at a pornographic publishing house. Kids: DON'T CLICK THIS... because it's PORN-O-LICIOUS! Porn is always treated with respect at the It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog. Porn.

1999jul28. Products We Need Immediately: Hand-held bug zappers. Apparently bug zappers spew burnt bugs out as a tasty buggy-bit shroud that has a radius of six feet. So these smaller ones, maybe, three, four feet? And you're holding it, sooOOOooo...

1999jul28. Yet another reminder: if you leave your email address anywhere on the net, you'll eventually get spam. Use temporary accounts when performing e-commerce transactions. Do not put your email address on your website; dreaded spam.spiders are looking for that "at" sign. Hide indoors; board up your windows. Arm yourself. Destroy any and all technology. Except for the ice maker.

1999jul28. Weblog ‒ back in action! Now, conflict free!

1999jul28. Web-churnin' graphic madness applications

1999jul28. Webzine '99: Getting closer to the truth.

1999jul28. On another weblog I saw someone whining about there being no open-source messaging system like ICQ or AOL BiteMunch 1.3 or whatever it is. Well, here's JABBER. Not that it's done or anything. But it's up-and-coming! It's the hottenest! It's new for '82! It's...(shutting up}

1999jul28. Kickin' "death of taxes" article.

1999jul28. Here is something else that needs a "Seismic Solution"

1999jul28. Rowr

1999jul28. It's the Weblog Construction Kit! Everything you (you!) need to run a successful and unique weblog! Created by Andrew of Benicetobears! He should have called this "Benicetoweblogs"! Har ha! Ha har! Oh, I jest. I am painfully funny sometimes. HOSE ME DOWN!

1999jul28. Privacy: What a crock. The Federal Intrusion Detection Network?" ... a separate system to track the banking, telecommunications and transportation industries." Yes sir, the FBI just wants to make sure no wiley hackers get in! That's all! Jes' tryin' to protect America!

1999jul28. Why are people so gung-ho about electronic cash transactions? Here's a Palm Pilot application that allows you to "beam" money to another Palm Pilot. I stay away from this stuff, phone cards, whatever, because of the one word mentioned in this (and every) cashless electronic transaction article: float. Nobody captures my float! Y'all are just too futuristical for me.

1999jul28. "I was overtaking the lorry." Tales of driving ineptitude, UK style (long).

1999jul28. World's Largest Roadside Attractions. I don't see the prairie dog sculpture located at a Badlands tourist shoppe represented here. But they do have the world's largest container of yoghurt which is in the United Arab Emirates. Wait, I don't see any Muffler Men, either! My, my. But they've got this termite -- I couldn't get a good picture of it myself, I am envious of this photographic angle, this person apparently snuck onto the roof or was officially contracted to take such a picture! I have scrolled down! Yes, it is the OFFICIAL PICTURE!

1999jul28. It's a REPLICA cheese toted around via a bigrig. Replica cheese, comin' through!

1999jul29. Dr. Cliff's Cordless Phone Repair. Still funny.

1999jul29. Am I on drugs, or did this whole lysteria thing just suddenly pop up about a year ago? I mean, all of sudden, it's everywhere! It's BEHIND YOU!!! LOOK OUT!!! ESCAPE FROM BLAIR WITCH MOUNTAIN!!!

1999jul29. First moon burial, Saturday night.

1999jul29. Target: Saipan. "But these towels are so INEXPENSIVE!" "GET BACK IN THE BOX!"

1999jul29. "Communists ... Commies everywhere! Stop the red menace!"

1999jul29. Herb Alpert fans: you NEED this.

1999jul29. "Uhhh, yo! Adrian! Where's my uhhh ... walker thing?" [deuce]

1999jul29. NASA ... IN THE NEWS!

1999jul29. "[Detroit] had slid largely into ruin after the 1967 riots ..." "I think the city is ready to ignite." Nice editing.

1999jul29. Teen attempts to impress Jodi Foster by stowing away on transatlantic flight. Oh, I'm sorry, silly me, I mean, "attempts to impress Israel's Mossad intelligence agency." Yes. That's much better.

1999jul30. Tabouli: Weblog revolving around "non-English media." A good idea well-executed using translation software!

1999jul30. Rebuttal on the recent "Leary's a snitch" newsbit

1999jul30. I'll bet you scads of money that this Y2k bunker will remain in operation long after the Y2k threat is passed and becomes, or is rolled into, The Federal Intrusion Detection Network. Let us watch and find out! [via uo]

1999jul30. The Cringe on the messaging war between AOL and Microsoft, but you don't care, because you're patiently waiting for Jabber.

1999jul30. Panda Wire: Hsing-Hsing picky muffin eater. (via gilbert)

1999jul31. Balloon Hat Gallery. [via Adam]

1999jul31. The Balloon Hat people also have collected some "wacky stickers" from around the world. I love the Balloon Hat people.

1999jul31. Accompanying Balloon Hat to Timbuktu


August 1999.

1999aug01. Bigrig has a picture up of Seemen's Ring of Fire ‒ those vertical metal bars spewing fire are rapidly spinning around the lucky gal in the middle of the contraption.

1999aug01. Brunching Shuttlecocks: I love "Good Or Bad?".

1999aug01. [Deuce of Clubs] Mountain Monograms

1999aug01. [Deuce of Clubs] The Henderson "B" Confluence

1999aug02. Mail.

Regarding the photograph -

This photograph is a fraud. It was not taken in (nor around) 1987. In order to correctly identify the epoch of this specimen, one must look deeper than just his surprisingly ahead-of-MTV-fashion-chain-wallet. Indeed the chain's gleaming shine smacks us with the "Generation Next!" lemming form of "individuality" (AKA. "Alternative"). Another contributing factor to support my theory: The bad-teenage-goatee was far from "the rage" on the late 80's. But let us not focus only on this young man's hygiene. Notice the perfect curve on his baseball cap's brim. Handed down from hip-hop/rap culture, (which as of late has become extremely popular) this deformation reeks of late 1990's. Complimenting the hat's brim are the low, hip-hung jeans, backed by a colorful pair of boxer shorts ‒ see previous note Re. Hip-hop music. Let us also include (for fairness) the previous photograph on this young man. Obviously, this individual is stoned. Although it is unclear of his sobriety in the later photo, the hemp necklace he blatantly displays gives us a clue. Such anti-government behavior was not tolerated during former president Reagen's "War on Drugs." It is very unlikely Mom and Dad 1987 would have supported their son's mocking form of self-expression. For these reasons, I feel these misplaced found pix(s) should be removed from the section entitled "First Thing X-Mas Morning 1987 Series."

If you feel I have erred in any matter or assumptions, don't hesitate to correct/berate.

Thank you for you time,

Jscott

I have forwarded your concerns to the individual who found this set of photos. His reply will be forthcoming, bold, and reckless in style and content.

1999aug02. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work: $1 billion for anti-drug ads. One...billion...dollars. A billion. One fucking billion.

1999aug02. "Wow, uhhh, our program is REALLY working here, I'm serious, it's incredible how well teens respond to someone smashing up a kitchen, I'm amazedcanIhaveabilliondollars?"

1999aug02. The new issue (#6) of Craphound has just been published. It is a expansion of the first issue: Death, Telephone, and Scissors. I've put up Sean's image request list for the next two issues of Craphound. You should contribute something now!

1999aug02. Here is a quote from Sean of Craphound. It is taken from a larger discussion of how he was able to harvest so many images for this issue.

And Sweet Jesus! Did the Internet ever come through this time around! Not one, not two, but a mind-blowing EIGHT low-grade, pixelated images were pulled, one per hour, from the websites of future-minded morticians, monument carvers, and casket-makers. So I guess it's not really a vast mire of overrated bullshit after all.

1999aug02. There's a vinyl record being sold out there somewhere called "RRR 500" - it has 500 grooves, one artist per groove. Zoviet Franc, John Oswald, The Haters, Sonic Youth, and much, much more. The only information I can find on it is at Wow Cool. There's a few copies of it available on GEMM.

1999aug02. The Banana Criticism Project at The Molotov Organization. The organization hopes to utilize the common, unassuming banana as an object of social criticism in the UK and beyond. Good on them!

1999aug02. Mail.

Mark,

That's the unabomber as a kid helping in the kitchen...

Jack

I disagree, sir. If this photo is from 1987, this is clearly not a young Mr. Ted Kaczynski. Perhaps it is a Ted Kaczynski who has travelled BACK in time to complete mundane tasks for a needy family. I am only channeling the opinions of the Swami who lives in my brain juices.

When you're looking for the big comedy punch at the end of your paragraph, hit 'em with the brain juice Swami. Works every time.

1999aug02. Attention Fat Corporate Bastards. A call to arms by Atman.

1999aug02. I didn't even know Atman had a home page. I am learning many things about... ATMAN?

1999aug02. Atman teaches you how to destroy spammers and have fun doing it!

1999aug02. So there was this weird bug crawling up my wall just now and I just grabbed the nearest tools I had to get rid of him, namely, a screwdriver and a dish plate. So I knocked him off the wall with the screwdriver, and onto the plate. Just my luck, he turned out to be some kind of break-beat poppin' bug and as soon as he landed on the plate he made a little click and flew a foot in the air. I don't mean "flew" in the traditional sense of the word - I mean he flicked himself into the air. He didn't have wings, the poor bastard, so he's compensated by coming up with some kickass tumbling gymnastic skills. Then he landed back on the plate, and did it again, and again, and again. Because his trajectory wasn't entirely vertical, I had to move the plate around so he didn't x-scape [circus music plays here]. Eventually he missed the plate and landed on the floor.

That's when I smooshed him with my Arling & Cameron CD.

1999aug02. [Cardhouse] 55 new found photos!

1999aug02. "This most recent accident only points to the severity of sport-utility rollovers," a visibly distressed Clinton added.

1999aug02. Breakbeat Bug Update: Remember that breakbeat poppin' bug? Well, it's twelve hours after the smooshing, and his head sort of separated from his body during the night and it was just spinning around in circles on the ground this morning. So I smooshed it again with another CD, I don't remember what it was.

1999aug03. Pokey the Penguin is a beautiful surreal comic strip with an extensive archive. Some ne'er-do-well has apparently taken it upon himself to create some sort of futuristic program that automatically sends a randomly-composed five-panel Pokey the Penguin strip to Metababy every damned day, like this one from today. Jailtime is too good for this scamp, this rapscallion, clearly the type of punishment he richly deserves is best served in the form of a large slice of Boston Cream Pie. He hasn't had Boston Cream Pie in quite some time. And maybe some vanilla ice cream, as well? That would be fitting!

1999aug03. Squishdot, a tool that allows you (YOU!) to make a Slashdot-like discussion area on your own website.

1999aug03. Bigrig Industries is chuggin' out web content now ... today's tidbit is the most-disturbing Little Licks Lip Balm... make it go AWAY

1999aug03. The Internet over power lines.

1999aug03. Carol Lay goes to Glamourcon

1999aug03. [Big soggy-cereal diaper babies!!! Awww, whut'samatter, is your cereal all soggy?? You big American baby you...|http://www.newangle.com/]

1999aug03. The problem with milk.

1999aug03. Royal Oak... IN THE NEWS!

1999aug04. Jon sends word that the lock-groove RRR 500 disc has been out for some time. This is the home page of RRR Records.

1999aug04. Oh, for the love of christ, just become one company already. Everyone, merge.

1999aug04. one-inch by two-inch patch to bring Colorado state school students together.

1999aug04. Eric Conveys an Emotion [via Fishstick]

1999aug04. Not The Sunscreen Song

1999aug04. Race Around The World, an Australian television programme that looks like it aired in 1997 and 1998 and not this year. Sort of like Road Rules, but everyone goes off to different places. Click around a bit, there's a lot there. Here's Tony in Idaho and Rachel in Burma to get you started.

1999aug04. Pokey the Penguin search engine

1999aug04. Pranks: Free advertising for your domain! [cw]

1999aug04. I would like to take this time to congratulate Dr. Scott C. Berk (and several others) for the breakthgouth JACS paper "A Combinatorial Approach toward the Discovery of Non-Peptide, Subtype-Selective Somatostatin Receptor Ligands." As you can see from the accompanying diagram, the combinatorial amino acid splay is concurrent with the diamine subtropa and shit. He has also made it about 2000 times easier to update this here weblog. Hooray!

1999aug04. I was thinking of going to Gasoline Alley in Clearwater, Florida. Is that advisable?

1999aug04. Salon: The Delightful History of Airplane Brawls: The San Juan Special

1999aug04. The Big Con, a book on confidence men, has just been reprinted. This book apparently inspired the movie The Sting.

1999aug04. A letter from Janet Reno of the American Regime, to the German Federal Secretary of Justice, concerning that horrible, horrible cryptographic software. [go]

1999aug04. I'm first in line.

1999aug05. Now... finally... after years of testing... Vinyl Video! View prerecorded video by simply playing a vinyl record on your turntable! Yes! Vinyl Video!

1999aug05. Vuk Cosic has some "ASCII music videos" in the Vinyl Video format. Listen to the Vinyl Video format first if you have a slow connection, you'll get a faster idea of exactly what "ASCII music video" means. I am weeping tears of joy right now.

1999aug05. A listing of Vinyl Video artists and realvideo selections!

1999aug05. A hat that works like a baseball glove! America, I sing to thee TODAY!

1999aug05. [Deuce of Clubs] "Too suspect as a means of conveyance ... "?

1999aug05. The Cringe remembers DefCon 1, and how the Sands Casino almost went dark.

1999aug05. "Arrrr! It's PIRATE BENDY! And he has a CONTEST for you, you landlubber! Arrrr!" I could kick Pirate Bendy's ass. No problem. [via Rain Barrel]

1999aug06. Fuji Rock Festival, Woodstock '99: Compare and contrast.

1999aug06. The Finger is back! WOOT!

1999aug06. [Deuce of Clubs] What did Alex trash today? ‒ this personal page is maybe a little too personal.

1999aug06. Barbie digital camera ... good for Burning Man? Determining. Determining.

1999aug06. Errr...

1999aug07. U.S. Lawn Mower Racing Association.

1999aug07. [Deuce of Clubs] I do not claim to understand this. But I did not understand Titanic, either.

1999aug08. I am heavily soiled! [per jon]

1999aug09. Tulsa (White) Race Riot re-examined

1999aug09. [Deuce of Clubs] A building shaped like an elephant? Preposterous!

1999aug09. Bionic Eyelid

1999aug09. What a poor application. I wonder if I can ban it from Cardhouse.

1999aug09. [Deuce of Clubs] Toy cameras ... good for Burning Man.

1999aug09. The Post Office wants to run the lottery? Seems like a good match.

1999aug09. The JamCam is a cheap digital camera for the kiddies. You can get eight 640x480 pictures on it. Looking at the website, you sure do get the impression that you can pop this camera in your backpack and take pictures as you would with a regular camera, but the JamCam has to be tied to your PC to even work. A nice man at the big department store told me that's why they all were recalled. Poor JamCam.

1999aug10. So You've Decided To Become A Tuvan Throat-Singer

1999aug10. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work: The Pentagonnies.

1999aug10. Straight Dope: handy tips for buying sunglasses

1999aug10. It is time to feel sorry for the superstores. Personally, this news is a bit disturbing to me, because I am hoping that several of the superstores, like HQ and Officemax and Wal-Mart, team up to make a multi-level super-superstore mall thing that would blot out the sun. People could live inside! I am pushing hard for this. Think "Cask of the Amontillado".

1999aug10. The new GM cars will also be equipped with hammers.

1999aug10. Privacy: Everybody's jumpin' on board that crazy biometric boxcar! Come on, everyone! Get aboard the Fingerprint Train! (singing) Oh, the dentists gotta do it, and if you wanna drive or even exist in California and several other states you gotta do it, welfare recipients do it, even them criminals do it, everybody's givin' up their piggies for the Great Society!

1999aug10. Rose...bud...

1999aug10. Selling liquor online banned? I missed this one from earlier this month...

1999aug10. Ben Stiller & Paul Reubens on the press junket.

1999aug10. [Administration] For the next two weeks, this here weblog will sort of limp along, as I am preparing for Burning Man. Then the two weeks after that, there will be no entries, as I will be at Burning Man. Then things will return to normal, whatever that is. Burning Man is like going to Walt Disney World, except there are more rules.

1999aug10. Hatch and Feinstein meet and it's a GROOVY LOVE STORY! Check it out, their proposed Methamphetamine Anti-Proliferation Act makes it a new federal felony to LINK to web sites that contain information about where to buy drugs! Journalists, webloggers, whoever! If this was law now, I'd be facing three years in the pokey! Keep pushing you fuckers, eventually the rope will break...

1999aug10. All right WEBZINE '99!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!

1999aug10. Privacy: Amazing plastic ID badge to stop bullets

1999aug10. [Privacy: Amazing plastic ID badge to stop illegal aliens. The shit is coming down hard today, my friends ... the GAO is looking to issue new social security cards with identification data-laden computer chips installed ... next time someone starts talking about all of our wonderful freedoms in America, kick him in the crotch for me. Thanks.|http://www.washtimes.com/nation/nation2.html]

1999aug10. [Deuce of Clubs] All mourn the loss of the world's oldest goldfish, dead at 43.

1999aug10. Berkeley... IN THE NEWS! "Free the corn! Free the corn!" And the protestors gathered up all of the corn and released it into the wild.

1999aug10. Swell News Quiz today. It's hard not to be funny when you're talking about guns and kids! "Doritos Snub-Nose Revolver Snack Time Madness!"

1999aug11. Buzzword warning. "Emergent." It's this year's "Pro-active." Go AWAY

1999aug11. [Deuce of Clubs] "Create Your Own Genetically Healthy Child Online"

1999aug11. Hahahahaha! You freaking PANSIES...

1999aug11. [U.S. Customs forces passengers to perform a "monitored bowel movement"? This is the kind of degradation people have to go through because they're suspected smugglers?|http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/customs990811.html]

1999aug11. DARWIN UNITED!!!! Software that creates software.

1999aug12. Sometimes when I read the news I have to pinch myself. (dead news link) Kraft is apparently having difficulty selling Tang and other powdery nonsense because competitors like Pepsi or Coca-Cola "can be poured right out of their bottles or cans instead of taking the trouble to mix them." THIS IS NEWS? and WHO CARES? "The trend in desserts is away from preparing (them) yourself." News flash: Tang is now a "dessert."

1999aug12. [Deuce of Clubs] How to blow up the brand new, abominably worthless Tempe Town Lake! (For entertainment purposes, only, kids! Play nice-nice!)

1999aug12. This ... this.

1999aug12. Apollo 11 flight plan.

1999aug12. The Building Blocks of Comedy: The Groin Injury

1999aug12. Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival 1999, Oct 9/10. Doc say: "So many rules you'll think you're at Burning Man!" No walking-in chairs/food/drink? The "no drink" rule is bullshit, concert providers have vastly underestimate crowd sizes in the past... it should be damned illegal to stop people from providing their own sustenance/survival during an event. I'll still go. Have to go on the first day. Underworld. Underworld. Underworld.

1999aug12. [Deuce of Clubs] Continuing the tradition of presidents with a psychic wacko in the family: President Warren Beatty? You laugh NOW ... !

1999aug13. I was driving onto the "freeway" the other day and saw some graffito on the "HIGHWAY ENTRANCE" sign. "That's new," I thought. And just above and to the right of the graffito, was more graffito that said "NEW."

1999aug13. French month has been prematurely attacked and immediately capitulated to the enemy.

1999aug13. Privacy: "You may end up in a world you do not want." We all got that pops...we all got that.

1999aug13. [Deuce of Clubs] Damn. This is exactly what I was going to do with *my* Criswell page (if the world continues on, that is). Oh, well. More time for OTHER PROJECTS, oboyoboy.

1999aug13. [Deuce of Clubs] "U.are.U". Just what we needed: mass-market fingerprint recognition capability!

1999aug14. Japanese commercials [via Fishstick]

1999aug14. Ithaca tells the all-mighty dollar to shove it [via todd]

1999aug15. Tilex has a (new?) product called Fresh Shower, a "daily shower cleaner". I am looking for something in more of a "bi-annual shower cleaner" style.

1999aug15. There's nothing more aggravating than web pages that refuse to use different-colored text for links. Here's a particularly annoying example, in which the headers are a different color, but link to nothing, and certain words in certain paragraphs are links, but are the same color as the body text. Running my cursor over every single word to find the hidden treasure is extremely low on my priority list.

1999aug15. Everyone's barcoding tonight ... everyone's barcoding ALL RIGHT! [via whim & vinegar]

1999aug15. Poor tax.

1999aug15. [So....KIMBLE! Wir treffen uns wieder. Dieses Mal entgehen Sie mir nicht. SCHUTZ! Ergreifen Sie Herrn Kimble und legen Sie ihn in mein fiendish nicht-entgehen Einheit der extremen Folterung.|http://kimble.org] [per Der Lo]

1999aug15. Girl Reporter Al Hoff dives into the blazing core of the REDNECK SUN

1999aug16. Sun blasts Gates for stealing their ENVISIONARY EMPOWERING SENTENCE. "We thought of that sentence first. It is ours."

1999aug16. Cintra. It doesn't matter what it's about. CINTRA.

1999aug16. [Imusic strikes out again... the text wad describes a 1986 Wanda Jackson album; the album cover shown is a greatest-hits compilation from 1996. You should pick up the compilation album, yes indeed.|http://imusic.com/showcase/rock/wandajackson.html]

1999aug17. This article in the Washington Times indicates that "Generation X" designates people between the ages of 18 and 29. Which means that A) The Generation X spectrum is stationary, with the youth of today and tomorrow moving through it, sort of like the Menudo cut-off age, and B) I am no longer a member of Generation X. Thank you, Jesus.

1999aug17. Pinch me, I'm DREAMING!!!! A computer that could turn on the television set just before my alarm clock goes off? Frick, perhaps it will strap a feedbag on me, wheel me over to the car via gurney while a tiny sex robot fellates me, as well! The suburban wet dream push-button future bores the living shit out of me. "Even activate cameras to check on the baby sitter." Hahaha. Plural. This surely is a home of the total-surveillance future! [uo]

1999aug17. Feed: Skins.

1999aug18. Houdini invents diving suit/killer bee enclosure with attachable fried-egg hat and thong panty liner.

1999aug18. Craphound. I am again recommending you purchase Craphound. This link will lead you to a description of Craphound.

1999aug18. Duchamp and chaos theory [via Illuminatrix]

1999aug19. It is apparently a personal tradition of mine to miss the L.A. Cacophony pyrotechnic display at Burning Man every year. Perhaps this will change. [via St. Vincent]

1999aug19. Ewwww. Shield your eyes...it's...NATURE.

1999aug19. [The Bolinas quake was the first earthquake I haven't slept through since moving here ... this web page describes what physically happens during an earthquake as represented by the Mercalli/Richter scales.|http://www.museum.state.il.us/isas/kingdom/geo1001.html]

1999aug19. [I love the way this joker dances around the question. "I have not done cocaine while in a plane... I have not done cocaine in a bus, boat, or train!"|http://www.foxnews.com/js_index.sml?content=/news/national/0819/d_ap_0819_114.sml]

1999aug19. I will find many, many uses for TorpoLeximatic [via Pigdog]

1999aug19. A digital camera that encodes lat/long information on the image. Handy for confluences.

1999aug19. Yeah! YEAH YEAH! Screw 'em hard! Lousy parking tickets. [via Fark]

1999aug20. Found sound/sampling essays/interviews

1999aug20. The Department of Justice is demanding the right to disable PC security. "Justice" ‒ wotta laugh.

1999aug20. Mexicans going NUTS over Levi's®

1999aug20. Horrible review of horrible April 1999 Positivland/BLF show openers, "God Nose.." There was no "confusion" about just how bad a Dylan impersonator could be, the set sucked to high heaven, even if construed as a "prank" on the audience. Luckily there was a back hallway available to escape the sonic sludge... "Ironic reference" my ass...

1999aug20. Official Wal-Mart line: "Santa is a man." He's also made in China and is 40% off!

1999aug20. Those Amazing Studies!

1999aug21. Ouija Board Gallery. I have stayed clear of these things ever since using one in college ... my friends and I gathered around the board on a Halloween night almost a decade ago, and the guy that went first asked the Ouija board something like "What will happen to me?," some stupid thing... and the Ouija spelled out "B O O M" and sure enough, not twenty seconds later there was this horrible explosion that blew me clear into the next room ... I staggered back, senseless, and there were only little charred bits and pieces left of my friend. It's kind of hard to talk about it... I never believed in that stuff before... but now, seeing these boards... I kind of get all queasy and stuff. [bir]

"Okay, this time, NOBODY FUCKS AROUND, okay? This time is for REAL. If anybody fucks with the pointer, I'll kick their ass."

1999aug21. "She kept her hobby a secret from Hollywood and the public..." No! You are wrong, CNN reporter! She shot arrows on The Late Show! Okay. You won't see much of Hollywood represented here in the It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene. But now, I am letting you know ... Geena Davis is IMPORTANT.

1999aug21. Stupid, lazy pot smokers...

1999aug22. [Deuce of Clubs] "The Music Commission on Church Music of the Episcopal Church and the Music Commission of the Diocese of Albany [do not consider usage of Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" from Lohengrin or Mendelssohn's Wedding March to be appropriate for use in the church|http://www.global2000.net/orgs/bethesda/wedding.html]."

1999aug22. "Students should not be forced to say it, but they should follow the rules." Fuck your doublespeak, ma'am.

1999aug22. A news story in which we learn the shocking fact that people from Malibu call themselves "Malibuites."

1999aug22. An article about Hawaii's "midlife crisis" which makes sure to mention that statehood was "welcomed" by Eisenhower (haahahah!), but does not mention the secession movement. Hawaii isn't the only state eyeballing the rip cord...

1999aug23. Timothy McSweeney's Web Indication: "Reviews Of Stories I've Recently Heard"

1999aug23. Privacy: Someone finally patented the Mark of the Beast [via Fark]

1999aug23. Mosquitos use sense of smell to pick next blood buddy

1999aug23. Pictures of Hayward fault earthquake creep.

1999aug23. Privacy: More post office box bullshit. They can't even get my mail to me half the time, this will pretty much take care of the other half. [fb]

1999aug24. Ebay: "I think it was related to the monks setting themselves on fire."

1999aug25. Blair. Good. Go.

1999aug26. Ah. So that's where Burning Man went. [rw]

1999aug26. I will be at Burning Man, following rules. Then I will be in a casino. Or seven.

1999aug28. Mail.

Hell with them! I like the colors and the attitude...thanks.

SK

1999aug30. Yerington, NV.

Casino win/loss: $+7.00.
Total win/loss: $-57.55.

While we were all playing the nickel slots and laughing up various storms, there was someone at one of the poker tables sort of glaring at us. We weren't supposed to have fun while gambling, apparently.


September 1999.

1999sep01. Mail.

My company is conducting a brief survey on behalf of our client, The Wall Street Journal, on the subject of student career planning. We are interested in including your audience in the survey and are prepared to pay for your involvement. We will also share the survey data collected from your audience with you and offer a reward to respondents for their participation.

Whom should I contact to discuss?

William L.

Will the rewards be pellet-shaped? Will they have to press levers or work pulleys to receive their pellets? I am hoping that shocks will be administered to those members of "my audience" that fail to answer your survey questions correctly. Is this true?

1999sep03. Mail.

Hello, I'm a producer with ZDTV's "Internet Tonight." We profile the best of the web and web culture. Could you answer a few questions about your site? Thanks.

1. Is your site mostly about lost photos, or are there other parts to it?

Other parts. Take a tour someday.

2. The lost pictures are pretty interesting. Why do you collect them?

I don't answer questions that start with "why" anymore after learning that "TV Guide" is the most popular periodical in the United States.

3. Why do you think people enjoy looking at stranger's photos on the web?

Do they? Also, this is a "why" question (see previous answer).

4. How many pictures a day do you get from people?

At least 10,000. We have a team of about 100 people, mostly migrant workers trying to earn a little scratch "on the side" or "under the table," who sort out the "really fucking funny" photos from the "Robin Williams-type funny" photos. They also receive food pellet bonuses at regular intervals.

5. What picture have you found which really stood out in your mind?

Parrot with pumpkin. I didn't find it, someone else sent it in and the migrant workers processed the living hell out of it, bless their underpaid piecework hearts. I don't remember which number it is, I'm currently half in the bag.

To find out more about our show, please visit our website at [assorted gurgling]

ZDTV is a 24 hour cable network dedicated to computers and the internet.

So are we! Step off, locals only! When you're a Jet, you're a Jet ALL THE WAY, man!

Thanks for answering!

Frances H.
Segment Producer

I will take this opportunity to remind all of the media out there (the "media") that I do not do interviews. I'm sure you care.

1999sep06. Bill's/Caesar's Palace/Harvey's/Etc, Lake Tahoe.

Casino win/loss: $+3.00.
Total win/loss: $-64.55.

"Haywire" is an important slot machine.

Do not lie on the floor in any casino. You will be asked to leave.

Bill's, I think, had some really old-tyme slot machines, but after I put a dollar in without getting anything back, I was so out of there.

1999sep07. Mail.

Hello

Never used a message system like this, but I do remember automats. The best one I ever ate at was on, or actually off, the interstate near lake Erie,(visible from the highway), between the state capital in Albany and Toronto. We were on our way to Detroit to pick up a 1964 Pontiac Catalina convertible. I miss them very much, (the car too), and having once visited a McDonalds I miss them even more. As a futurist I wonder if you have any other thoughts concerning them and whether you think they may make a come-back? Let me know.

William York

[I can't remember what I wrote back, but it was something about the increasing level of depersonalization in society and how something like an automat would be more accepted now]

1999sep08. Okay. We're back. Yes. We are back.

1999sep08. Candy wrappers [via Fishstick]

1999sep08. Burning Man 1999 links

1999sep09. Hey, I was just at Burning Man, this sort of thing is boring.

1999sep09. Dive into the dead, dark heart of mainstream American comedy! Ho ho! The laughter... is contagious!

1999sep10. Mail.

hey i love the site! i too just got back from burning man. i live in reno but am going to take off for southwest road tripping. whats slab city like? have you been there? keep in touch and give me your bman impressions from 99.
peace dan

oh i can get u a drano currency if u want. i was involved with them in 98'leave me a mailing address.

dan

We had a little blowout on our contact page, and for about a week we weren't getting the email address. So I'll leave my comments up here and hopefully you'll run into them.

A small photo tour of Slab City is available at Deuce of Clubs. I have not been there.

1999sep10. "The mayor said the mosquitoes live in old water." [via Julienne]

1999sep10. Bigrig Industries is FLUFFED OUT!

1999sep10. Good morning ... good morning ... wanna eat!

1999sep10. Curfew xCam Game! Patrol the streets for wayward teens! Round them up in your squad car and strip search the little shits! Everyone's a winner in Sioux Falls! [via Windowseat]

1999sep10. Inconspicuous Consumption: Skee-Ball

1999sep10. "I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean... he'll see everything. He'll see the big board!"

1999sep10. "I've always treated all of my pets as friends and family.'' Why "guardian"? I don't think that goes far enough. How about "human buddy"? "Mister Paws is one crazy mother scratcher ... I'm glad I'm his human buddy, cleaning up after his shit, feeding him, teaching him how to vote for the least corrupt political official of each meaningless populace strata, and reminding him to get a fucking job and start bringing in some moola to pay for some of his goddamned spit-encrusted cat toys."

1999sep10. Privacy: Levi's now accepting your fingerprints in exchange for FUN! I was thinking of going to this store earlier because they also have a place where you can get all hippified by sitting in a tub with your new jeans, doin' that shrink-to-fit thing. But now, with the additional fingerprint procedure, I'm going to have a big Idiot Watchin' Festival in that there store!

1999sep11. Mail.

Great sense of life.!! I appreciate the ability to make me smile and laugh. *S*

fempsych

1999sep11. "Perhaps," said Kermit during a break in filming, "these idiots can ask their own damned kids how to use the chip." The frog then took a long draw on an unfiltered Marlboro.

1999sep11. "Oh geez...you didn't get the last page? That copy boy is FIRED, I tell you! I'm glad we got to the bottom of that!"

1999sep11. Name That Candybar [via Strange Brew]

1999sep11. Celebrity Outtakes... don't miss the Martin/Lewis one.

1999sep11. Asteroids. Sort of.

1999sep11. [Cardhouse Burning Man 1999 Fallout] Mazdalicious Update

1999sep12. The Class Of 2000. Extremely funny, but long enough to be annoying as well.

1999sep12. My First Please Beat Me Up Mobile.

1999sep13. STOP TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS IN PUBLIC / PURCHASE MULTIPLE COPIES OF THIS PROGRAM / JOIN A CULT / MAKE ME A SANDWICH / NO, I DON'T WANT TOMATOES

1999sep13. NA$A: "How can we get all that porn into space?"

1999sep13. McSweeney's. Americans do everything to excess, even stupidity.

1999sep13. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Ratings o' Enemies o' Godzilla

1999sep13. Let's all do an about-face on Generation X, that'll sell some papers! The article I've chosen for your edutainment is an OLD CRONE (at 39) passing along all of her elderly wisdom to this brash, crazy flirty hot new up-n-coming generation. There are other articles to the side which you may also laugh at.

1999sep13. "First, a mouse... okay, now do a cricket! Oh baby... you know what I like..."

1999sep13. Self-deprecating Sega Dreamcast ads that will never be shown in America.

1999sep13. Word Work: Army Psy-Ops guy luvs tellin' the foreigners what to do over and over andover!

1999sep13. Wow. I hope CNN paid a huge amount of money for that amazing graphic...

1999sep14. I don't even know where to start with this one.

1999sep14. Readers Always Write!

I noticed you had an entry in your weblog today which said "Ewww. Uncute Sanrio grandmother character should commit ritual Seppuku." I thought you might like to know that Seppuku is (or was) not allowed for women ‒ ritualistic disembowlment is only for men. Women were, however, entitled to commit Jigai, which involves tying your ankles together then slitting your throat. The ankles were tied to make for easier corpse disposal. Cool, huh?

1999sep14. I overcooked my Lard Cuisine dinner in the microwave today. When you overcook in a microwave, it tends to burn one part of your meal rather badly ‒ in this case, I was able to use this charred section as a handle for the rest of the two-course meal section (spaghetti and chicken). All food should have handles.

1999sep14. "Good comrade. You may stay with the accused until they are sent to jail. Perhaps you can learn more about their illegal ways, ehhh? I have a trunk filled with 'Sailor Moon' and 'Barbie' merchandise, if you follow me, comrade..."

1999sep14. YOU ARE GOD! [via Fark]

1999sep14. This Miss America thing keeps getting funnier.

1999sep14. "If you come and work for us, you will be earning BIG AMERICAN DOLLARS ... the reason that Americans are not working here is because we are paying SO MUCH that it SCARES them ... they are cash pussies, not like you, my little foreign nationals..."

1999sep14. My eyeball hurts.

1999sep14. A brief mention of Toilet Duck.

1999sep14. Ewww. Uncute Sanrio grandmother character should commit ritual Seppuku.

1999sep14. Mail.

Moonbase Alpha was blown out of Earth orbit on September 13, 1999!!! SHit!!!!!

-- Jack

1999sep15. Ebay: Super Mog Mog!

1999sep15. Ebay: How many SUPER MOGMOG slot machines does this freakin' guy have, anyway?

1999sep15. Privacy: This is only for emergencies. We only need to know where you are for your own safety. We are not tracking you. Do not approach that building, sir. Get back in your little Ford Escort, and go shopping or something. We are not tracking you.

1999sep15. Police pants! Sentry TM Plus! WALKING TALL!

1999sep15. Education wire: Child punished for wearing wrong football jersey to school; principal claims "it was all in fun." That's life learning, there.

1999sep15. I use my pen to open pistachio shells.

1999sep15. Miss America scandal continues. Can you imagine the hysteria that would be created if one or more of the contestants had had an abortion? Or went through a divorce? God, I'd turn off the TV right then and never look back at all of those delicious, delicious gams.

1999sep16. I am thinking about vacationing in Atlantic City. Do you recommend it?

1999sep16. My eyeball is "okay" now. Thanks for all of your cards and letters.

1999sep16. Awww yeah... Chux inna da house with the detourned media terrorism...

1999sep16. Stop picking on science. Science is always good. There is nothing bad about science, ever. Science.

1999sep16. "We are looking for the rest of the universe in very secretive places ‒ old mines, hidey-holes, between walls, etc., places where people may have squirreled away bits of it here and there."

1999sep16. I had a friend who had a mild form of amnesia after being socked in the jaw. "Remember that five bucks you owe me?" I always make sure to grab ahold of every opportunity that comes my way.

1999sep16. Cintra.

1999sep16. Acoustical archaeology: ancient chirping Mayan temples

1999sep16. Burning Man: It's the "Say Something Interesting Guy"! Audio-only recording at Burning Man is a great idea, it cuts through the "look at me" bullshit...

1999sep17. I have been reading a lot on the internet recently, and there is quite a lot of wisdom being imparted to the unwashed masses. So perhaps it is time for me to pass along what I have learned over my long, long, way too long life. This will only take a second. Here it comes now.

pepper rings and pineapple

That's pretty much it. I have coerced people to try this pizza topping in the past ‒ these people called me "crazy," "insane," and "clinically psychotic" for suggesting such a ridiculous, sure-to-fail flavor combination.

But then they tried it, bless their collective little lumpy hearts. And these people are sold for life, baby.

Now let me make a side note here and say that the "pepper rings" I have referred to are not the large rings of the common green pepper, not the half-inch rings of the jalapeno pepper, but the (roughly) one-inch rings of the light green "banana pepper," the "pepperocini," etc, etc. I've heard too many terms for this little guy, and you'll probably be better off just bringing one to your local pizza joint and/or restaurant and pointing to it/offering it as the very topping you are attempting to describe.

That's it! I hope you've enjoyed my wisdom. I used to know a lot about math as well, but the coke wiped THAT out in a hurry.

1999sep17. [Cardhouse Burning Man Fallout] A Disgruntled Postal Worker requisitions a Big Wheel during break (photo missing). This is obviously the first day we went out, because of the gun stock in the upper right and the armed gentleman in back. After that first day, the Sheriff decided that this years-old tradition of bringing actual (unloaded) weapons out during our deliveries was dangerous - a Postal Worker could point it at someone who actually had a weapon! Even though everyone was briefed about weapon conduct every single day... Anyway, the next day we loaded up on baseball bats, poolsticks, and golf clubs. No brandishing rules about poolsticks.

1999sep17. I was hoping that we would discover that the amnesia victim was a tough, gritty, confident, strong, archetypal super-woman sexy lethally-trained action-packed professional government assassin.

1999sep17. More wisdom! I forgot about this one. So I have two bits of wisdom. Okay. There are apparently casinos in 47 of the 50 states that comprise our United Security Agency. So my suggestion to you, when you have large amounts of change that you need to exchange for actual papery bills, is to take it to a casino. I've laundered about $250 through various casinos in the last year and it costs you nothing, unlike those change machines that charge 8% or so. Don't forget to pour all of the money into a casino cup first. Also, I am saying this from experience: remove all pennies and marbles from your stash before presenting it to the teller.

1999sep17. Tech Corner! Yes, after owning my PC a little over two years, I've finally had my first big Microsoft Crisis. Microsoft Outlook freaked out and trashed my outlook.pst file ‒ the archive.pst file is also corrupt. I fixed both of them with the extremely terse Inbox Repair Tool, but now there are huge wads of mail messages that are missing out of multiple folders. Backup? That's a separate problem. Anyway, if someone knows of some way of recovering this stuff, a PST analyzer/editor or some such (I am getting the distinct impression that Inbox Repair Tool is happily ignoring megs of "corrupt" data without even bothering to half-repair it), I would be most obliged.

1999sep17. The Future Of Television. Imagine being able to see "Mama's Family" from hundreds of camera angles instantaneously! It seems like this would be the only way to do multiple camera-angles on the fly, unlike that arrayed one-shot camera device used in The Matrix and all of those television ads... "he's at the 30 ... the 20 ... uh-oh, it looks like he just inhaled about a hundred cameras from a downfield swarm... I think Bayer is going to pick up the internal feed as we go to commercial."

1999sep17. Packaging at Melty. There's something extremely lovely about Goya's logo. [via saturn.org]

1999sep18. The It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene apparently appears in a subscriber-only "Internet insert" of Entertainment Weekly that features The Backstreet Boys on the cover, because teenagers OWN AMERICA. That was my last (mercifully short) media interaction/interview. I am using this space to officially announce that I am now openly media-hostile. Try me. Bring it on. Texas.

1999sep18. Here's a delightful upbeat news story that makes me physically nauseous.

1999sep18. A Disney corporate official makes the dreams of an FBI agen ‒ I mean, 13-year-old girl ‒ come true...

1999sep19. Mail.

just noticed the World Power Systems link in the weblog. neat stuff. but did you notice who makes it? Tom Jennings! the Tom Jennings! Tom "FidoNet" Jennings! that is cool. that is very cool.

Yeah, we found his URL on a certain phone booth the first time we visited it. Funny, it seems so long ago. If I could turn back time. If I could find a way.

1999sep19. Privacy: Well, you know, just for honeybees. That's all. We're just going to put this in the charter, here ... only health officers. We're just trying to protect you from yourselves.

1999sep19. Splash Mountain performance art [via Flash Mountain]

1999sep19. World Power Systems products, including a dreamy Model 11 Nixie clock.

1999sep19. It doesn't really matter that you voted, or even if the referendum passed, it's out of your hands now, everything is out of your hands. But sure, you can see the pretend results. No problem.

1999sep20. Mail.

Mark:

I tried your pepper ring and pineapple pizza [mentioned in the weblog as a tasty pizza topping combo]. Not bad.

All I ask in return is that you try my peanut butter and (lots of fresh) cilantro sandwich.

I will do this as soon as I can! I promise ya!

1999sep20. It's called a killer whale. Killer. It kills things.

1999sep20. This is a news story culled from Reuter's "Oddly Enough" wire.

1999sep20. XUXA wire: "I was never a drinker nor a smoker and I've never done drugs. I've never been involved in prostitution either. I am also no longer a porn star. Follow me, proles, to victory!"

1999sep20. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Breakfast cereal ratings. Okay, these crazy kids have been daily for some time now, so I think it's high time we all show a little respect by clicking on their ads over and over again until we are dizzy from all the clicking. Click I say! Also say "oooh" and also "ahhh" when you're looking at the ads. Purchase their products, give them demographic information, date members of their staff, walk their doggies, etc.

1999sep20. Straight Dope message board topic: McDonald's. You'll have to dig for the good stuff. "Another odd thing you'll find if you look at old McDonaldland art is that Grimace used to have four arms instead of two. Did someone hack them off in the middle of the night?"

1999sep21. South Park slot machines. I'd love to see some old biddy on one of these things. "They killed Kenny! They killed Kenny! They killed Kenny!"

1999sep21. Merhan Watch! He can leave the airport after living there for eleven years ... but now he won't go! So crazy! [via Julienne]

1999sep21. [Deuce of Clubs] Strange Foreign Objet d'Feces

1999sep21. Stupid bird's done got eggs glued to its neck.

1999sep21. Trenchcoats ‒ out! Caving into vague similarities ‒ in! Healing ‒ in!

1999sep21. I passed by this stupid Nebraskan bridge monument in June. Nebraska ‒ out!

1999sep21. Disgruntled Toronto artists stage "Outsider Art" prank [via Britain]

1999sep22. "An electronic maze of pornography." Sounds kind of enticing, really.

1999sep23. Recent molasses disaster ... earlier molasses disaster.

1999sep23. Stereolab interview

1999sep23. "Here we go, we're going on a big adventure! WeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee... uhhhh... weeee? Wee?"

1999sep23. "Um, I was just talking about a PHANTOM newscaster lady. Not Diane Sawyer. Certainly not her. Diane rocks."

1999sep23. You know, if someone blows up Mount Rushmore, I think the American people ought to bake that Terrorist Guy or Gal a cake (without nuts in it). Mount Rushmore is ugly. The only thing that's good about Mount Rushmore is that the viewing platform for Mount Rushmore is mercifully extremely far away.

1999sep23. "It is illegal to launder money. If you have some money, and you want to move it around without everyone knowing about it, that is illegal. We have declared money laundering to be a hate crime."

1999sep23. "I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean... he'll see everything. He'll see the big board!"

1999sep23. Inconspicuous Consumption: The Swing-A-Way Hand-Held Can Opener, Model #407. There's one in my kitchen, it rocks. Vaguely related: Does anyone make stainless steel nail clippers? Damn things are always getting wet and rusty. Rusty!

1999sep23. Jerry Brown: FOR illegal car seizures! You want to buy back your car from the police even if you're innocent, right?

1999sep24. I have a baseball bat. I bought it for three dollars at a thrift store. I can let it go for five? Okay, four fifty.

1999sep24. Shopping cart abuse. "This abuse is obviously a cry for help from a sexually frustrated midget."

1999sep24. Roadside Art Online: Vistas

1999sep24. Ghost town: Rhyolite NV. [via Illuminatrix]

1999sep24. Mindspring's founder on EgoTrip:1999 ...

"Five years ago, Charles and I were among the few visionaries who saw the potential in the Internet to redefine the way people communicate."

Earthlink's CEO can't stop vomiting up corpspeak ...

"By leveraging the synergies between our operations, marketing channels, and member service philosophies, we will have built a solid platform to service our current members and, at the same time, accelerate our aggressive growth strategy."

Can you even begin to comprehend the orgiastic delight users will experience as these two futuristic services combine into one gigantic megawesome ISP of unheard-of greatness? (head explodes) [via Deuce Of Clubs]

1999sep24. I hate Perl. I hate advertising. But I did score "five" out of "six" on the Brunching Shuttlecocks Perl-coded ad slogans quiz.

1999sep27. The Hidden Persuaders 1999: They're back. They want your mind. They want to sell you soap. [via someone or other]

1999sep27. Evan Dorkin/Sarah Dyer update!

1999sep27. Oops! Headline problem.

1999sep27. Robot idea! [via Marginal Hit Parade]

1999sep27. Hugh Downs leaves 20/20 with a comment about US drug policy

1999sep27. Stay Free ‒ marketing headlines

1999sep27. The Matrix kung-fu scene & "Kung Fu Fighting" song synchronized? I am doubting it with my brain.

1999sep27. Privacy: A look at the Swedish personnummer. I wonder why they don't allow such things in Germany... [via Haddock]

1999sep27. Work it... work it... now the corpus callosum... mmmmm...

1999sep28. Mail.

I am having a problem with your site. It is too funny. I should be working right now instead of typing this shit.

Mark M.

Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaaaa boy I keep trying to tell you people... THIS IS AN OFFICIAL HOUSE ORGAN OF YOUR CORPORATION'S OUTREACH DEPARTMENT. READING IS MANDATORY.

Heh, heh, "house organ."

Now be quiet about "having to work." It makes us retch. I can't believe you're torturing yourself after typing THREE SENTENCES on company time. You're probably one of those young go get'em tech guys working 13 hours a day and getting paid for eight, work on weekends, go go go! If you don't do it, the company will collapse! Keep believing that, it's exactly what they want. Maybe they'll set up bunkbeds, a kitchen, or a pinball machine for you so you can stay longer and longer. Eventually everyone will live at work. Who needs to telecommute when you never go home?

1999sep28. Mail.

Any items you get send me what ever you would like to get my opinion on.

Uhhh... okay! Too bad the form screwed up and lost your email address! This is too bad! Think of all that free stuff you could have gotten! We were going to review the new Honda Civic super-gas mileage car ‒ we had it all crated up to send to you, but couldn't contact you! Back to the dealer for you, Mr. or Ms. Honda Civic!

1999sep28. Work it... work it... now the shaved chocolate swirls... mmmmm...

1999sep28. Kidtrack.

1999sep28. KidTrak. Along with SeniorTrak, ExecuTrak, and PetTrak. Featuring Geoffrey Holder, star of the silver screen. The Uncola Man. "Hah, hah, hah, haaaaaa! { THE COLA NUT! }." I never knew multi-level marketing could be so exciting!

1999sep28. Genetically-modified crops: Lower yield! Lower profit! Banned from Japan and EU! Come on down!

1999sep28. The Return of the Hidden Persuaders (part 2). "The bun becomes the oral gratification that entices the entire family, perhaps through its smell. So now the family unites." Hoo-hoo!

1999sep29. Florida police issuing citations to teenagers for smoking. Get three, and you cannot get a driver's license. (Side note: gettingit.com horrendous url ‒ check it out!)

1999sep29. Cintra.

1999sep29. Interview with the creator of Space Moose

1999sep29. "ZoooOOOOOM!!!! Fast, eh? Sleek, you bet. (push this lever here) MONORAIL!"

1999sep29. Dysfunctional Family Circus winding down.

1999sep29. Infectious Neckties.

1999sep30. A Pokey the Penguin video computer game! YES! [via Apathy]

1999sep30. Shepard's Tones, infinitely ascending scale/tone. Didn't know there was a name for it. This may be what Beatsystem is doing with "Endlessly Downward" on Em:T's Explorer compilation. I do not know. I am not a musipharmacist!

1999sep30. Grudge Match To The Death: Sentences You Thought You'd Never Hear vs Phrases Taken Out Of Context


October 1999.

1999oct01. Mail.

amy joy donuts .com is in it's infant stage and will be progressing soon so please keep checking for new stuff and any feed back would be great on improving a donut site. it is tuogh to try and sell donuts over the web due to shipping and freshness. people in the area's of amy joy's can print out a coupon for discounts... thanks hope to hear from you

I don't update the Donuts page.

1999oct01. "I'm handicapped ...he's handicapped ... we're all handicapped! Nineteen, nineteen, twenty-two... HIKE!"

1999oct01. Keith Knight: Pinball machines.

1999oct01. Privacy: Oh boy, I'd love to get rid of my (holding up wallet) wallet! Where do I sign? Morons.

1999oct01. Controversial, sensual boycott of Unilever products by DRUDGE RETORT

1999oct01. "We wanna be commodified! Us too!!"

1999oct01. Mail.

Please excuse the lack of explanatory my swollen bowles scream "lavatory!!"

But heres something you should know:

What They Don't Want You to Know

In order to understand inevitable sweat loss you need to realize that everything is controlled by a subsiduary of Robinsons Juices Ltd, made up of contented pastry bakers with help from The Union of Reduced Halal Butchers.

The conspiracy first started during The arrival of pay-per-view-television in your mum's favorite chair. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including The premiere of Brando's shaven head.

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by Thumb-biting.

They want to purposefully cause an observable chinese burn on the arm of John Hume and imprison resisters in the venue holding the A.G.M. for the conglomerate of softly-spoken Haberdashers using bird-like flight.

In order to prepare for this, we all must stand up swiftly. Since the media is controlled by Nice Kevin Spacey we should get our information from The League of the Ham-faced Pope John.

I think this explains a lot about ... society?

1999oct01. Mail.

Regarding those Haw Flakes:

I can't remember the first time I had Haw Flakes (probably a childhood thing). Yesterday, while at a Vietnamese grocery store I saw dozens of Haw Flake packs sitting on the shelf. I hadn't had them in awhile and forgot they existed (how sad)! I bought a couple, vaguely recalling how there was a time I was addicted to them. How could I forget how wonderful these things are?

Well, after eating a few "packets" I realized I still didn't know what Haw was. So, I decided to look for it on the internet. I thought I'd find nothing. Instead I find this site and see pictures of the wrapper and yummy discs right before my eyes. And I found out what Haw actually was!

Anyway, I got a kick out of this site. Imagine being able to find out about Haw Flakes on the internet. Next time you're in an Asian grocery store look for some Flute Cookies. My childhood wouldn't have been complete without them. And if you love chocolate a box of Flute Cookies will do the trick.

ttw

1999oct01. Mail.

It has been some time since I saw candy cigarettes. I remember them having paper wrapped around the candy, and a bit of talc or some other white dust so that you could blow out a few puffs of white "smoke," thus convincing old people that you might indeed be smoking. Does anything like this still exist? Did it ever?

Yes, at one time the cigarettes were coated with this smoke-producing material (flour? powdered sugar?). Now, just about the only way you can duplicate this effect in the United States is with the bubble-gum variants from World Candies. And I don't think there's really enough of the powder to get a good cloud going. Wait, I've got an unopened pack of "Round Up" here. No, I am incorrect. So I guess the answer to your first question is "no".

1999oct01. Tiki crap.

1999oct01. Ooooh, pretty [from the referrer logs]

1999oct01. An airline commercial parody. [via Yuppie Slayer]

1999oct01. What IF...

1999oct01. Print Club Pro! Take pictures of your friends, then print out stickers! From the same freaking camera! Are you following me here? [via Mr. Pants]

1999oct03. Mail.

Yes, but the CNN graphic story is all tosh anyway, any fule kno that it was the one and only great George Jones who drove his lawnmower to the liquor store; this man is a mere acolyte...

- Phil

1999oct03.

Dear Cardhouse,

I have been developing a web site for a friend of mine on the tiniest of shoestring budgets for about a month now in my spare time. The domain I am referring to is http://www.amyjoydonuts.com You made mention of the amyjoy site on one of your review pages which I came across in a search. Your page. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to update your review as we have made great strides with the site. Any additional comments suggestions and criticisms would come greatly appreciated. Thanks again for mentioning our site and I will look forward to reading your latest comments. Thanks

Kevin Rochford

I still don't update the Donuts page. Perhaps I will do it for free donuts. Others have been given the opportunity to tithe me donuts, but they have failed.

1999oct04. Article about the section of I-880 that collapsed in 1989. Maybe they'll update the freeway signs in the next decade or so.

1999oct04. Gandhi 101 [via Deuce of Clubs]

1999oct04. Bigrig Industries: Goat Pulling Child photos.

1999oct04. Policemen with beards okay ONLY if you're Muslim, sez Supreme Court. Otherwise, it's Cop Mustaches for the lot of you!

1999oct04. Library of Congress National Film Preservation Board film list.

1999oct04. Stand next to Matt Le Blanc if you want to get some. Obviously.

1999oct04. [SF] Owner of Rocket Records killed

1999oct04. An article in Salon points out the growing disparity between the rich and the poor, and then on the next page there's an ad for a monogrammed nickel-plated yo-yo.

1999oct05. Better listing of Library of Congress National Film Registry (w/links) [via Bird On A Wire]

1999oct05. Le Dopant Droit: L'explication de la fascination française avec Jerry Lewis. HÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ DAAAAME!

1999oct05. Survival Research Laboratories: Pitching Machine. Soon controllable via internet? (drool) [via Dr Cliff]

1999oct05. The Onion: Earthquake Safety Tips

1999oct06. DAMMIT ALL! Everyone drop whatever the hell you're doing and FIND...THESE...PETS!

1999oct06. I want a PET POSSE MEMBER medal, and I don't care who I have to fuck to get it.

1999oct06. Crazy Critters! [via Mr. PantsPantsPants]

1999oct06. Ruh-roh! Fox News is now doing pop-up ads... bye-bye, Fox!

1999oct06. San Francisco is the best city to call home in the United States! I guess "feasibility" wasn't one of the qualifiers.

1999oct06. Get a job, you pikers... YOU GAVE $0.00 [via Fark]

1999oct06. I know I've pointed this out before, but whenever I'm feeling a little down, a little like reaching for the noose, some pills, or an AK-47, I jes' load up this page and all my troubles seem to float away... today is a good day for clapping.

1999oct06. Ham-handed Customs bullshit: Operation Smoke Signal

1999oct07. My video card is slowly degrading. There's one horizontal line of red dots that blink on and off randomly. Sometimes it leaves a vertical trail of light blue streaks on anything white, like the end of a cash register tape. It's neat.

1999oct07. McSweeney's: The Subcomandante Rides At Dawn, Part 3. "Fine, the lake said. That is your choice under the Mexican constitution. But be warned. When you come back, Germans will own businesses and things will be a lot more expensive. Also, I will be full of soap." (Part 1 ... 2 ... 3)

1999oct07. "Hello? Yeah, I'm just filling up the car right now and---" SKABOOOOOOM!!! The "cell phone gas station explosion urban legend" continues to spread.

1999oct07. Peoplehater: Cell show (earlier this year)

1999oct07. Powerbead users! Line up for your beating! (I have NO idea why a picture of Calvin Klein's spring line accompanies this ‒ maybe it's part of a larger "bullshit culture" newsfeed folder)

1999oct07. More cell phone fireball hysteria

1999oct07. There is a milk-based product on the market called Milk Chug, but Dean Foods hasn't done anything with the domain, milkchug.com. I'll take what I can get today. There's something unsettling about that name. "Milk Chug." Milk chug. Milk chug. (shivering)

1999oct07. Cardhouse Travel Advisory Still In Effect: continue avoiding Florida like the mother-scratching plague.

1999oct07. How To Deconstruct Anything [via Suck [via rc3.org]]

1999oct08. [Waffle House songs. From what I remember, Mary Welch Rogers actually owns the company ‒ if you're the CEO, you can sing about the company all you want!|http://www.wafflehousesongs.com/rajukebox.htm] [via St. Vincent]

1999oct08. Peanut Buttered Roast Squid.

1999oct09. Marginal Hit Parade: Joe Recommends

1999oct10. [Dr Cliff] The Sad, Touching Story Of Cletus The Bug

1999oct10. Hell On Earth roleplaying game.

1999oct10. Morbid Fact Of The Day

1999oct10. The Web Police ? Run by the United Nations of the Internet? Instead of actually calling the police, let's add another level of bureaucracy to report a crime. I thought voter registration was really voter registration, but it turns out it's for voting on "all issues concerning your free use of the internet." Don't forget to donate money (at the bottom)!

1999oct10. "Mmmmm, with my new Face-Eez®, I will eventually have a face that...ummm, I'm not exactly sure what this thing will do, but it's worth every penny!" [via The View From Here]

1999oct11. Mail.

My boyfriend has your name.

Tell him to GIVE IT BACK. Wait...which one of us? Which name? This could be interesting.

1999oct11. Even Chinks Love McDonald's

1999oct11. [Dr. Cliff] The Roadkill Series

1999oct11. I do not have any nostalgic waxings concerning the Burger Chef corporation.

1999oct11. Lurid Paperback of the Week

1999oct11. Evolutionary Control Committee at Burning Man ... I did not get to see the pants costume, I am kicking myself in my own smaller pants.

1999oct12. Out-of-focus Llama Cam. It's what we're all about here at the It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene ‒ bringing you the LINKS that CLINK or something.

1999oct12. S. S. Adams Co, manufacturers of fine quality products.

1999oct12. Kite Aerial Photography which includes a low-cost ice trigger. [via Joe]

1999oct12. More kite photography.

1999oct12. Atlantic Burning Man

1999oct12. Transit Chairs [via Lo]

1999oct12. Outphoto 3. Japanese randomly-submitted photo magazine. [via Hoopla]

1999oct13. The Yellow Appliance Program [via St. Vincent]

1999oct13. McSweeney's: The Newest From Jokeland.

1999oct13. Hillary Clinton's Pen Pal: a book on prison survival by the editor/publisher of Maledicta.

1999oct13. "Houston? We are GO for primary panda launch." "Roger that." [via Looka]

1999oct13. The New Detective.

1999oct14. Snacks. The zine of missing pet posters. Your participation is welcome.

1999oct14. Ammonite Project ‒ Burning Man 1997.

1999oct14. ARGGGGHHH!!! The Pancakes Across America website is GONE!!!! ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HATE HATE HATE (2006: new link)

1999oct14. Glubco: Selling Alaska on Ebay.

1999oct14. Miscellaneous quotes.

1999oct14. The guy who did Pancakes Across America still has this site up. But it is not Pancakes Across America.

1999oct14. Brilliant costumes for your pet. [via metascene] Pets shouldn't wear costumes that emulate people. They should wear costumes that emulate transportation.

1999oct14. Current Farnsworth Fusor research.

1999oct15. Mail.

You seem to have been very cranky when you wrote the FAQ. Perhaps you should have called it FAQYWYNA (Frequently Asked Questions You Wish You Never Asked)?

- saputo

It used to be "Fucking Asinine Questions," so you see I've "toned it down" a bit.

1999oct15. Molotov Organization summary article.

1999oct15. "We have the intruders on radar." "FIRE!" (HONNNNK!!!)

1999oct15. Tom Green interview.

1999oct15. Privacy: Social Security Numbers workin' the magic [via Fark]

1999oct15. Tie-Tanic The Movie [via My Boot Movie Theater]

1999oct15. I-695 is a Washington state public ballot initiative to replace the state's vehicle license tax with a flat fee of $30. That's about how much the flat fee is in Michigan, for example, but here in sunny California, I had to pay around $400 to get plates and a title transfer for my ten-year-old car. Okay, I was a little late going to the DMV, I have a little problem with authority if you haven't already figured that out. Not four hundred dollars late, however. I'm not sure I understand why Californians have no problem turning over a large wad of cash and their thumbprint to the DMV. I will try to understand.

1999oct16. 7.0 in the desert.

1999oct17. Yes... yes... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES! The outrageous California "Smog Impact Fee" ($300) has apparently just been declared unconstitutional, but the hell if California is going to tell you about it... If you paid a Smog Impact Fee, you are apparently entitled a refund plus interest ... I haven't seen any other information on this, but it looks legit. I'm going to scout around for the ruling before I send a letter... [via Pounce]

1999oct17. More on California Smog Impact Fee and License Fee

1999oct17. Smog Impact Fee article (1998)

1999oct17. [Cardhouse] Reader mail... updated!

1999oct18. Straight Dope: Strange, antique petroleum-based analog music product.

1999oct18. I was searching for "casino explosion" and I came across this entertaining article by a veterinarian. If you are about to go to lunch, or have just had lunch, or have a weak stomach, or are of delicate constitution, or just a wimp, you might be better off not reading it. I was hoping to find more out about a certain casino in Lake Tahoe that was blown up when they wouldn't pay an extremely large ransom to an unknown party. It wasn't like they couldn't do anything about it ‒ the terrorist(s) indicated that the casino would be blown up on a certain date and time. They didn't pay, couldn't find any explosives, but wisely evacuated the place. This was about twenty years ago. Of course it was Mr. Brody of Bigrig Industries who told me about this. It's not that I don't believe him, I just would like to read about it. I like to read about explosions.

1999oct18. I asked Dr. Scott if the science behind this article about building a tactical nuke with smoke detectors was feasible.

No.

Americium, in gram quantities, emits potentially harmful amounts of gamma rays. This guy was talking about collecting a kilogram.

One gram of Americium can be used to make more than 5000 smoke detectors. Thus, you'd need 5000*1000 = 5,000,000 smoke detectors to get to what he considers "critical mass".

Only several kilograms of Americium are produced each year.

I've only read of three materials which can, for various reasons, be used in a fission bomb. U-233, U-235, and Pu-239. These are the "easy" ones. Assuming that you can even get Americium to participate in a fission chain reaction (and I'm very skeptical about that), you'd probably need at least as much Am as you would U or Pu ‒ and the critical mass for those elements is >10 kilograms. So, you'd need at least ten times the amount he was talking about. Now, we're up to 50,000,000 smoke detectors.

The formula he gives, and its "meaning" are completely bogus, as far as I can tell. And unless you explain what the variables are, the formula is useless anyway.

1999oct19. This link will last only today. Apparently the co-founder of Flooz, another REALLY AWESOME E-COMMERCE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WEB SITE, said that new Flooz stock owner (?) Whoopi Goldberg is a lot like Flooz because "We're both irreverent, hip and fun but also trusted and respectable brands." I'm going to be nauseous.

1999oct19. More mail!

OK, so you can't build a fission weapon with old smoke detectors.

But what you *can* do is attempt to build a breeder reactor with them.

You probably won't succeed, but you can turn your mom's garden shed into a Superfund waste cleanup site.

You can do all of this in (wait for it)

Commerce Township, Michigan.

The hilarous story is in

"The Radioactive Boy Scout: When a Teenager Attempts to Build a Breeder Reactor," by Ken Silverstein. Harper's Magazine, November 1998, p. 59

Harper's does not have on-line content. The bastards.

Woo-hoo! Here's an abstracted version the story, evidently published in Reader's Digest (the original is much (much!) longer and better).

Highly recommended.

-Steve [similarly: Mita]

1999oct19. "Duh duh dah, duh dah dah... TRIBUTARY!"

1999oct19. McSweeney's: Interviews.

1999oct19. Noted only for this: "Impeach Clinton: 12 Galaxies Guiltified to a Technitronic Rocket Society!"

1999oct20. Hey kids! LEGO machine gun! [via Yuppie Slayer]

1999oct20. Sandor 21. I just picked up Coyle & Sharpe's "On The Loose," a selection of tracks from the two prank comedy interview albums released in the early 1960's. Because this re-release appears on Henry Rollins' 213CD record label, the "related artists" field suggests that I might be interested in the musical groups "Tool" and "Iggy Pop," among others.

1999oct20. Tents once used by George Washington are deteriorating! They're DETERIORATING!!! Please give generously so that future generations may gaze upon non-deteriorated tents once used by George Washington. "If you look over here, you'll see tents once used by George Washington. They are deteriorating."

1999oct21. In your FACE, Blair Witch Project! IN YOUR FACE!

1999oct21. Oh man...from the referral logs... this is what someone used as a search criterion today to get THIS VERY PAGE:

hot+pictures+of+sexy+women+doing+sexy+things

I have heard that there are hot pictures, of these sexy women, on other sites. They are also doing sexy things. I cannot confirm this rumor at this time.

1999oct21. [Cardhouse] The opening salvo of the Candy Cigarette Megaland Page O' Value Or Something

1999oct21. Mousetrap cars. What?

1999oct21. This here site will be up and down all day. Go play in traffic or something.

1999oct21. Institute of Official Cheer: old anti-irony ads.

1999oct22. The Real Hamburgler. "Hamburger profits" is a good phrase. I will start using that around town.

1999oct22. I wanted to back a page while browsing just a second ago, so I hit "ctrl-z." There is no "undo" in a browser. And why, if I'm caching pages, does it just not display all of these pages without hitting the network to see if there are updates to the page? Eh, it's probably an option I never clicked on. Computers.

1999oct22. Apocalypse III: This Time We Really Mean It. " ...exciting, high quality prophecy movies..." Gary Busey! Howie Mandel! "It will be released to theaters in March 2000." So, umm, the Second Coming will have to wait. Or is that in June? I need to know, I put everything in my little book.

1999oct22. DETROIT ROCK CITY.EPS!

1999oct22. Mojave Desert motorcycle endurance race.

1999oct22. Yeah! Yeah yeah! Mexican Day of the Dead in the Oakland Museum! McMuertos!

1999oct22. Those ass-sucks took all of my hamburger profits.

1999oct23. Ben Hamper on the remote possibility of a Rivethead movie

1999oct23. Models' Eggs -- maybe they should auction some of bill gates's sperm, so we can start breeding RICH children. [from Megan]

1999oct25. They're DOGS ... and they're playing POKER!!!! I wish these poster prints were a little clearer. [via Ethel the Blog]

1999oct25. Dada Pokey (you can hit reload over and over for surreal fun!) [via Peterme]

1999oct25. Roll out the Halloween Wire: Children below the age of five cannot discriminate effectively between reality and fantasy. I've been trying to use this fact to have all working clowns muzzled and put on work farms, with little success.

1999oct25. Why aren't there safety belts in school buses? There are some key quotes in this article, including "A passenger bouncing around the compartment spreads the impact more evenly."

1999oct25. Art imitates life; life banned; administrators pat themselves on the back. Can't a bunch of guys just punch each other for fun?

1999oct26. And now, for the positive spin: an ad for Lear Jets, brought to you by MSNBC.

1999oct26. I think they're BLUFFING! Let's OUTSPEND THEM!!!! USA! USA! USA!

1999oct26. Tip-up from the Rain Barrel Maglog: I.D. Magazine this month obsesses over the world of Las Vegas design.

1999oct26. A witness described the carnage succinctly: "It was like war." It was war, the "Drug War," which has led to a greater deterioration of civil liberties than any hysteria this century. Incredibly, the Drug War has been popular with the public, despite being an expensive, destructive failure. A failure, that is, assuming its purpose is to stop drug usage: Many believe the Drug War's real goal is to condition public acceptance for authoritarian control, linking it to the suppression of undesirables and social misfits. If so, it has been a smashing success.

1999oct27. Dogs In Elk In Vegetables [via Jon]

1999oct27. Louis Theroux... has his own show!

1999oct27. An investigation of Japanese hi-tech toilets.

1999oct27. Privacy?

1999oct28. More mail to burn...

1999oct28. [Dr Cliff] Interview with Tura Satana

1999oct28. McSweeney's: Ponce De Leon

1999oct28. Amtrak specials until December 16th 1999. I'd try to explain it, but it involves regions.

1999oct28. Um.

1999oct28. Green alien meat (scroll down a bit). Also, check out the other sections, a laff on every page. [one-off Memepool]

1999oct29. The Foster Brothers! One makes a mean gumbo, the other one likes Ponzi schemes! One's in jail, the other's on the lam! The story has a bunch of stupid gumbo/criminal similes... cringe through them, because the SOUP GETS REAL HOT around the last page of the article, when Patrick is revealed not to be your typical criminal, through a series of notes left in his apartment: "because I Patrick Foster am surrounded by a protected mist of invisibility and can't be seen by any law enforcement officers or agents on the planet."

1999oct29. Pranks(?): Creole HUD document

1999oct31. The title of this news release originally read "Hackers break in to WOOB WOOB HONK HONK HONK ULG RULEZZZZZ!!!!!!1111!!!! D00D!!!!! K-RAD K00L!!!!11111111111111!!!11"


November 1999.

1999nov01. Them buggies are struggling! Pinball is Important. Look at all of these flyers!

1999nov01. Paul Bunyan pinball. I played this game in Silver Lake, Michigan, when I was 14. For about seven hours, straight. My friend and I left the game with about forty-four credits on the machine.

1999nov01. Let me clarify that last entry. We did all of this on ONE QUARTER. Yeah, that's right. You could really stretch out your Entertainment Quarter back then. One quarter. Seven hours. That's less than a DOLLAR A DAY to feed two hungry children's homoerotic lumberjack fantasies.

1999nov01. Another correction. It wasn't "about" forty-four credits. It was, most definitely, forty-four credits. Because that was the MAXIMUM amount of credits that would rack up on the credit reel. We were tough pinball machine-playing kids, from the streets, and we knew when to walk away from a pinball machine bloated with the maximum amount of credits one pinball machine could hold.

This arcade also had a game by Atari called "Safecracker." You'd put in your quarter, spin the dial on the fake safe, and pull the handle to try to get the unknown, unnamed prize. "Oh, I'm sorry, you ... lose." That thing could eat quarters faster than any modern videogame, but I'm sure it brought in about a dollar a day.

1999nov01. Does anyone like magic? I don't.

1999nov01. Punk Planet... is back!

1999nov01. Public Works goes to California

1999nov01. Inconspicuous Consumption: Hanger Bolt and Tire Gauge

1999nov01. Shift: Interview with Amy Franceschini

1999nov01. Freakyfranks. Build your own "freaky" "frank".

1999nov01. Japanese-language bloopers.

1999nov01. Let's take a walk down PINBALL LANE tonight, shall we? Won't that be fun? Okay, here's one: Charlie's Angels. Okay, I had the six-foot poster of Cheryl Ladd, but this pinball machine sucked hard. It was like playing Six Million Dollar Man pinball with all the fun stuff taken out of it.

Weooo, maybe we better not walk down PINBALL LANE if I can't come with anything more intense than that. Okay, I'm concentrating.

1999nov01. Patrick Combs spends twenty-two days in the Joshua Tree desert without a canteen

1999nov01. I am seeking advice. Is there any free html editor product that has a drag-n-drop feature so I can manage my pathetically old list of links?

1999nov01. Punk pinball game

1999nov01. Hahahaha!!!! Oh, this is a hot one... Sexy Girl ... don't look at this at work. "The hottest new idea in pinball... 200 color pictures built into the action." Them Germans knew how to serve up a hot game of pinball, yessir.

1999nov01. Apollo 13 was a beautiful, beautiful game that almost never worked. If you got the multi-ball sequence, it would launch thirteen balls for you to play simultaneously. I used to pretend each one was a separate Apollo Mission. "Oh no! There goes Apollo 6! Turn the cameras off! TURN THE CAMERAS OFF!" Pinball is fun.

1999nov01. ANPFIFF!!!!

1999nov01. Back when I saw this pinball machine, I thought it was a spinoff from a really bad TV movie of the week.

1999nov01. When 1976 rolled around, pinball manufacturers were falling all over themselves to produce a bicentennial-themed pinball machine. But it's hard to give up the old ghost ‒ take a look at the people featured on the backglass of Liberty Bell ‒ Thomas Jefferson, the fellers from Iwo Jima, and there, far right, that's Ms. Liberty-Nee-Adolescent-Male-Attractant.

1999nov01. And here is one of the best pinball games ever. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Monkey brains! I played this game with my ex-girlfriend once ‒ I got into the zone, and couldn't lose the ball for about twenty minutes. The best game ever, except for the time I played Addam's Family on a smooth carpet and was able to move the machine a foot to the left and right without tilting it. Came back to work an hour late. I have my priorities straight, yessir.

1999nov02. More pinball: A reader recommends Safecracker (the Safecracker mentioned below). "It's really an acquired taste ‒ the box is small but the fun is complex and seemingly infinite. Just when you feel like you've beaten the game, you realize there's a part you haven't even explored." I'm wondering what that "token-pin" nonsense is all about.

1999nov02. Ask Uncle Willy, the point man for Williams Electronics. Excellent!

The precise angle of 6.5 was determined after months of grueling clinical trials and focus groups, with biofeedback and eye- tracking equipment feeding the real-time human factors data into banks of Cray supercomputers, while GPS and NIST data were simultaneously factored in to remove any skewing due to time or place. Or maybe that was just the empirically determined angle of one machine once that "sure felt like it played well." Uncle Willy is not sure which story to believe.

1999nov02. Fathom was also another pinball machine I spent way too much time touching. I'd ride my bike five miles from my house to go to the arcade in Sears, stay the whole day eating crap from the candy counter next door (what a coincidence!), ride home, and get yelled at by my mom.

1999nov02. Ram raiding is BACK!

1999nov04. Uh-oh! Chongo!

1999nov04. KLF's The Manual (How To Have A Number One ‒ The Easy Way). Horrid background, cut-n-paste into your own groovy word processor thingie. A must read, smart n' saucy. [via Bovine Inversus]

1999nov05. Stay Free: A brief look at the marketing of diamonds

1999nov08. "Over... over... down a little... let'er rip!" There's something magical about sacrificing a goat over an airplane via a light-duty crane. This is not really the main thrust of the article, but I stopped reading after the goat/jet bit, because it's just not going to get better than that.

1999nov08. [SF] Save the Camera Obscura. Yep, the guvmint's getting all itchy to bulldoze the Camera Obscura again, because it's a big ole' eyesore for those old tourists eating in the Cliff House...

1999nov08. San Francisco's Playland at the Beach (1921-1972)

1999nov09. Straight Dope: Creole HUD document fiasco source(s)

1999nov09. Advertisement: Looks like someone's having a little problem with the projector.

1999nov09. Sometimes an obnoxious animated-gif start page is a very, very good thing.

1999nov09. Tip to Burger King employees: Avoid working the night shift.

1999nov09. The Utah baby namer! "An online help for parents looking for that distinctive name that says 'I'm a Utah Mormon!'" [via Eric R]

Boys: Deontre', D'Frank, Cydoran, Clip, Bryce-Zock, Messiah Angel, Lewise Linton, Sterile, Shurm, Tugdick

Girls: Aaronica, Ahmre Jade, Alpha Mae, Ann-Toy, AndiOdette, Arcola, Beefea, Bimberly, Blessing Ream, Chlorinda, Christmas Holiday, Confederate America, D'le, Ferol, Fleetah, Forthilda, Jena V, Jennyfivetina, K-8 (one less than K-9, I suppose), Magpie, Mormon Beauty, Shiloh, Shondie, Southern Justice, Syrullean, T-Ann, Teton, Thankful Flood, Trauma Anne, Treasure Ann, X Y Zella

1999nov09. It's not like Utah has a lock on bizarre names ‒ a woman at the "Save The Camera Obscura" function, so moved by the Camera Obscura, had changed her name to... "Camera Obscura." Camera Obscura Camera Obscura.

1999nov11. No entries for awhile. Check back next week?

1999nov12. Mail.

do you have poke'mon trading cards

As it turns out, through some strange quirk of my body chemistry, I shit solid-gold Poke'mon trading cards. Most of the hard-to-find ones, too!

1999nov15. Mail.

Yea Verily Praise the Supernal Wood, Hast Thou receiveithed thy Tape of gleaned music and Woodian Wisdom or did Thouist mark return and fleeith fromith the PO or just dumpith the tape in the dust bin___Love in Wood__Tor. [some url] Praise be unto The Good Reverend Steve.

- [lots of numbers]@compuserve.com

What?

1999nov16. Straight Dope: The real story of Tokyo Rose. "There were some ships, American ships... and they may have been destroyed." "Give her ten years in jail."

1999nov18. Momentarily frenzied trading within every single celebrity death pool.

1999nov18. The big, big babies like to show who can cry the longest! Big poor loud-mouth babies.

1999nov18. Rain Barrel: Interesting old Bugs Bunny reference to Count Basie detailed

1999nov19. Las Vega$ buffet reader rankings.

1999nov20. Mail.

hello, i saw youre raster to vector example not sure if i can fgure out how it works but it will maybe a start example for me

do you maybe have a full working example for me (for hobby use)

thank's in advange!

;-)

-- Greeting's From The Netherlands, Lubèrth

1999nov20. Mail.

hi i was wondering if you could tell me how to throw a curve ball in bowling i have a brunswick sparkle ball.thanks

- clown p.

First you must visualize yourself at a bowling alley. Now, visualize a caring, nuturing bowling teacher standing next to you as you approach the lane. Then, imagine in your head exactly what this teacher would say to you. Follow those instructions.

1999nov22. Word Work: Air hilarity. "Oh yes, yes, we would love a cheeseburger!"

1999nov22. Heil heater! "Declare war on the cold front!"

1999nov22. Portable parking meters. They're only fifteen bucks! What?

1999nov22. Can kids gamble? I've never seen kids gambling. Kids...gambling? Gambling children?

1999nov23. This is exactly what I am doing for New Year's. Popovers, egg-shaped rocks, the whole shit.

1999nov23. [Dr. Cliff] Little Rubber Indians go public with dazzling IPO. No.

1999nov24. All About cutting and pasting [doc]

1999nov25. Mail.

Do you know anywhere that i can buy Black Black gum on the internet? Ive been looking everywhere! Thank You

Tommy

No.

1999nov29. Binion's/Main Street Station (LV), assorted small towns.

Casino win/loss: $-13.25.
Total win/loss: $-70.80.

I called a Las Vegas information number while I was in town trying to track down the location of "Vegas Vic," the neon cowboy, and the person on the phone told me that Vic and his neon ladyfriend were both gone. So we hightailed down to the "Fremont Experience," and there they both were, under that weird half-roof thing.

I lost a Little Rubber Indian in one of the casinos. I am very sad.

1999nov30. Entertaining website, or chilling preview of our police state future? YOU be the judge.


December 1999.

1999dec01. Stop working already. And this link might not work either ‒ it's a Getting It Horribly Confused URL.

1999dec01. You know, we'd label the frankenfood, but you're too stupid to understand what it means. Now shut up and eat.

1999dec01. Drinky Crow. A story for children.

1999dec02. A picture of a man with a large crescent wrench going through his cheek. Also pictures of men with a cheek-puncturing gas pump nozzle, a gun, and a shovel, among other implements. This is going to be the next hot new youth fad in America.

1999dec02. "Let the healing begin." "Hut hut hut huthuthut HUT HUT..."

1999dec02. "However, we are plowing through every possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen thousand permutations it's going to take us about two and a half days to transmit them all."

1999dec03. Whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down! What about that great RJ Reynolds flavor-flav?

1999dec03. "You knew him as the host of the popular brain-dead game show 'Match Game'. But did you also know he pioneered the BLANK morning drive-time DJ format?" Heavy trading on the world's death pool markets today.

1999dec03. Description of WTO riots [via My Dog Wants To Bite The Radio]

1999dec03. More HOT SEATTLE ACTION!

1999dec03. This is Mark Bakalor's weblog. All he needs now is a picture of himself somewhere on the page.

1999dec05. "NATOarts is an international arts organization which seeks to promote global security and stability through the exhibition of works of conceptual art."

1999dec05. Summary of the West Nile virus

1999dec05. GettingIt: WTO: "What it all really means"

1999dec05. Compassion. Caring. LAPD. "The dead man found in a Lexus sport utility vehicle in Brentwood is not a celebrity or otherwise well-known person."

1999dec05. Well, it's December of 1999, that means there's less than 31 shopping days until Y2k. I know, I know, you're sick of hearing about it, but I thought I'd "check in" with this little smarmy observation. It's probably going to be a pain in the ass to get around town and buy things during the last week of this year because of all the panicky idiots and New Year's party preppers. My suggestion here is to actually stockpile enough of your basic living crap now to avoid the Y2k T Minus One Week shopping/travelling clusterfuck. Or T Minus Two Weeks, let's throw Christmastime in there as well. Or move immediately into a hardened decomissioned floral-scented missile silo. Thank you.

1999dec06. Word Work: Pawnbroker

1999dec06. Moving a pinball machine

1999dec06. Techno monks [via Megan]

1999dec06. Traffic school. The most important article you will read this week. There's a lesson here for all of us. [via some "weblog" thing]

1999dec06. Pepper spray for the non-violent protestors 'cause the violent ones are dangerous, see.

1999dec06. Atman tells you how to block ads in Netscape under Linux the E-Z way.

1999dec07. Lying in frog urine? Covering your head with cockroaches? How freaking tame. You're WEAK, Lima, WEAK! Japan kicks your flaccid reality show ass!

1999dec07. FEMA making some Y2k party preparations.

1999dec07. [Deuce of Clubs] As if it's not enough that most judges are morons, some of them try to be FUNNY.

1999dec07. PANCAKES ACROSS AMERICA is BACK! YES! YESA! YES! Also, YES!

1999dec07. FAIR: More WTO police goon squad details

1999dec07. Hey, didja know I ate at one of the restaurants featured in Pancakes Across America? Didja? Yeah! At the Mary & Moe's Wigwam Restaurant, Casino & Indian Museum in Fernley NV. You know, "Where all good friends meet for 'HEAP GOOD" food!"? You've probably been there as well. The "Morning [Sun]Light" is now up to $5.25 but includes two eggs any style, hash brown potatoes, one hot cake, and bacon, ham, or sausage. Other breakfast names include "Sleeping Moon," "Walking Hungry," "Daze Start," and "Heap Big Breakfast."

1999dec07. This Ponzi scheme ain't working right. Maybe if they made it so's you had to be OLDER to get your money, maybe that would work?

1999dec07. Ebay: It's free trade, see.

1999dec07. A Didgeridoo Christmas. [via Brunching Shuttlecocks]

1999dec07. This whole hippie didgeridoo/drum phenomenon reminds me of a guy I saw playing the Theremin the other month. He sucked, really really horrid and all that, but you know, it was sort of hard to tell. If you pick up an instrument that has actual levers or holes that you have to depress or cover up or whatever in some "musical" sequence, and you actually DO it, then that's showing a bit of talent. Whereas if you make poopy noises with a didgeridoo, or weird electronic noises with your Theremin, or bang on one drum endlessly without remorse, you apparently don't even have to be REMOTELY close to anything musical. Now that I'm in California I'm seeing these drumming types all over the place, like infestations or something. Cropdusting, is what I'm advocating here.

1999dec07. Cheap Toy Roundup 1999

1999dec07. Whip-cracking noise. Whip-cracking noise.

1999dec07. "Do drugs, kids, and you'll be blown away by a Howitzer." It's an educational tool. It's also in the fun-fun-funtime Parade of Lights!

1999dec07. WTO pictures show police gassing/spraying seated protestors [via Looka]

1999dec08. The Stone Face: Fragments of An Earlier World

1999dec08. I can't get any sfx from that damned online pachinko machine. But you can launch tons of balls, one after the other. That is good.

1999dec08. Another online pachinko machine. Also not good. Do not forget to enjoy the jule box.

1999dec08. Anything Can Be A Gun! [via Jon]

1999dec08. Clone this dog. Many, many times.

1999dec08. "Special delivery!" (more WTO police bullshit)

1999dec08. "You giff me your 'zerial' number, American GI man! Then I go zhoppink on der Amazon dot der com! Ha Ha! Ha ha ha ha HA ha! HA! Ahem. Zorry."

1999dec08. Ebay: I'm looking at Pachinko machines on Ebay, so you have to suffer as well. I love when sellers say "I don't know if this works" ‒ sure, putting an item up for auction is a breeze, but actually testing something? Too labor-intensive. I just translate this statement into "it doesn't work" and go off to the next item...

1999dec08. Ebay: Pachinko "art deco" style cabinet???

1999dec08. Ebay: Another pachinko auction. "Veit-Nam," "drinking buddy," "slingshot." This baby's got a lot of history.

1999dec08. Online pachinko game. It's not that good.

1999dec09. Mojo Nixon was SO right. [DeuceofClubs]

1999dec09. You know, if only every American was associated with their own INDIVIDUAL number, then the doctors could just open up the patient files to the DMV, police, banks, whoever! It'd be a lot easier, I think. What a glorious time to be alive!

1999dec09. Tiki-sploitation! Tonight! At Oakland's Parkway Theater! Oakland California! Oakland California United States of America! That one! To-nite! Thursday! Yes!

1999dec13. Here are some selected questions (out of 81 total) from an employment application at a Very Expensive Car dealership located somewhere within the United States. The first 53 questions have choices from "strongly disagree" to "strongly agree".

21. Everyone at one time or another steals money from their employer.

22. A person who smokes marijuana once a week is not a drug addict.

27. I would never steal anything unless I had a good reason.

28. Illegal drugs are no more dangerous than alcohol.

30. Smoking marijuana once a month is normal for most people.

33. Everyone has tried marijuana at one time or another.

34. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.

35. If companies would pay their employees a fair salary they wouldn't have to worry about them stealing from the company.

39. Most employees who steal money from their company get away with it.

41. Bob has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing $50. He should be fired.

42. A person who uses cocaine once a week is not a drug addict.

43. Most employees who steal merchandise from their company get away with it.

45. Everyone at one time or another steals merchandise from their employer.

46. As the boss, I would not fire an employee the first time he was caught "high" on the job.

48. Trying cocaine once a month is about average for most people.

53. Jim has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing merchandise, about fifty dollars worth. He should be fired.

59. Most of my friends smoke marijuana _____ times per week.

60. A person has a drug problem if he smokes marijuana more than ____ times per week.

64. Employees who are caught stealing money should be given a second chance.

65. Just about everyone has tried drugs at one time or another.

67. Sometime ago I was in a situation and took some money, without permission, from an employer.

69. Once, when I was younger, I tried marijuana.

70. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.

74. In the past I took some merchandise, without permission, from an employer.

76. Once, when I was younger, I tried cocaine.

77. During my working career, I have stolen a few things from an employer.

80. Employees who are caught stealing money should be prosecuted.

It seems completely clear to me that this dealership is a drug front. They don't want prospective employees to steal their stash and smoke it. Perhaps not, I don't see any questions that mention "stealing drugs." A loophole!

1999dec14. God, I love those hilarious Onion articles! [via Megan]

1999dec15. Shift: Designers Republic interview.

1999dec15. Please note the teaser headline for an article about SF's homicide tally: "The City Takes A Slay Ride." Merry Christmas.

1999dec15. Thirty times faster than T-1. Satellites. Yep.

1999dec15. Oops, The Examiner changed their headline from "The City Takes A Slay Ride" to "City Slayings Mount." Bring back the levity of holiday-themed puns! Comedy vs Tragedy!

1999dec15. Does hemp... work? Is there REALLY a good reason to use this "hemp" product?

1999dec15. Lileks: Restaurant postcards

1999dec15. SF: Sunday night Tentacle Session: BIGRIG INDUSTRIES + PUZZLING EVIDENCE

1999dec16. If you are a licorice fan, I highly-recommend double-salted licorice. The ones I am eating, from Heide, have a "DZ" stamp (Dubbel Zoet).

1999dec16. Confessions of a Bottom Feeder

1999dec16. Confessions of a Bottom Feeder, part 2.

1999dec17. Mail.

Another keyboard question: Theres a sticker on it that says "WARNING: To reduce risk of nerve, tendon or muscle injury, see the label on the back of this keyboard." but theres no label. Am I infertile now?

jo

No, but you have a cold.

1999dec17. Mail.

I sneezed into the keyboard. It was one of those egg white sneezes. Should I clean it out, or use it as a way to see which family member is using my computer when I'm away... the one who wakes up with a cold tomorrow...

jo

I hope you've cleaned it out by now, I'm just reading this mail seven months later.

1999dec17. Next on the list of cool things to be ruined by mass media: The Shaggs. Deuce of Clubs

1999dec17. Priceless moments (wiping away tear).

1999dec17. Japanese-English article

1999dec18. Troy, MI Y2k prep: "We've got stop signs!"

1999dec20. Jimmy Cauty, cell-phone madness, "Cloot! Cloot!"

1999dec20. Who's afraid of Revelation 13? Deuce

1999dec20. The web version of the TV Yule Log [via Soosan]

1999dec21. Mail.

that is my name too. i was joking around with my name and i found you that is very strange, unusual, disturbing, and scary

cow123456789

Yes, there aren't that many other people named "cow123456789."

1999dec21. More Y2k prep! [via The View From Here]

1999dec21. Y2k w/ ex-SNL!!!! PARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! LET'S HEAR IT MINNESOTA!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And the BRAND-NEW DODGE goes to... tooOOOOOoooOOOOOo... The best part about this is that there are TWO New Year's Eve shows. "Okay everyone, get out, the NEXT group of lucky Minnesotaeons are going to ring in Y2k with DENNIS MILLER!"

1999dec21. Repo Man 2: Waldo's Hawaiian Holiday? [via Metascene]

1999dec21. "Monorail?" "Monorail!"

1999dec22. Seanbaby gets pissed about future toilets and gets an answer from Congress. Sort of.

1999dec22. Une sélection des cartes postales les plus kitsch et les plus ringardes des années 60 et 70, regroupées par thèmes.

1999dec22. Peter Gilstrap used to have a website at the New Times LA called Jesus of the Week. Then he left; New Times took his material, stripped his name off of it, and copied it over to their own non-regional domain. But Gilstrap is back (BACK, I tell you!) with Calvalcade of Christ.

1999dec23. Here's another super example of a media corporation attaching a person's name to a column, only to regret it later. Jesse's Word of the Day (and subsequent book) became Random Word of the Day (notice the title hasn't changed) and then even changed again to [Maven's Word of the Day|http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/?date=19960629]. Try [www.jessesword.com|http://www.jessesword.com] just for kicky grins.

1999dec23. I have an idea that will save the other 90% of energy.

1999dec24. "I respect you. You and your DELICIOUS GAMS."

1999dec26. The American Auction. [via Bovine Whiskerdoo]

1999dec26. Damn! That Times Square dealie sounds like one fun party!

1999dec27. Stern the last pinball manufacturer. Stern? Ted Nugent pinball Stern? Middle metal post Stern? Huh? What? [via Obscure Store]

1999dec28. Word: Boltflash does Maakies Xmas Pokemon Special Time

1999dec28. Kimba vs. Lion King. The only thing I can remember from Kimba were the great "surprised reaction" noises the animals made. "Uhhhh?" "WAAAHHHHHH!!!" Same as Speed Racer, in that respect. Stay tuned for my dissertation.

1999dec29. Shanghai club scene

1999dec29. Vice: Checkin' in on the Gross Jar.

1999dec29. Here's a well-designed package. Don't know how they got it into a bottle, but that's science!.

1999dec29. Bob The Angry Flower: The Man Behind The Curtain.

1999dec29. Merced part of New York City for New Year's Eve. [gagging noise]

1999dec30. Dumpster diving. No, not for food. For gold, dammit! GOLD!

1999dec30. "International nuclear weapons expert"/doofus warns about implications of not using the Chandler Wobble in nuclear missile-guidance applications [scroll up for the original question/answer].

1999dec30. SF Weekly: Chicken John & Circus Redickuless [long; 1998]

1999dec31. Buncha cams to watch the terror and madness and rioting and horrible, horrible stuff that Y2k brings. People are exploding and things are melting. Look away! LOOK AWAY!

1999dec31. "Well, everything looks okay he ‒ MY GOD, WE'VE LOST GAMBIA!"

1999dec31. Ebay: Realistic puffing cigarettes + mask. Mask?

1999dec31. BeastWatch: the big loser isn't going to make it.