Cardhouse: X Magazine #7.

X Magazine #7. Toys. July 1991. Cover photo: Keira Alexandra, M&Co New York. Cover design: Scott Stowell, M&Co New York.

It's fun to give the farm family a hand with the animals and equipment. -- Fisher-Price Farm Sears Wish Book catalog copy

Hinged door lowers to reveal boarding ramp; shuts securely during flight. -- Fisher Price Fun-Jet Sears Wish Book catalog copy

A spunky little puppy that stacks up to fun. -- Fisher-Price Puzzle Puppy ad copy

Crank turns helicopter rotor with realistic "whomp-whomp" sound.

Pilot the "president's" Air Force 1 jet - made in Japan. -- Sears Wish Book catalog copy

Engine goes "brrumm." -- Sears Wish Book catalog copy

Crank raises and lowers grease rack. -- Fisher-Price Action Garage Sears Wish Book catalog copy

When pulled, bell rings, eyes roll - looks so cute! -- Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone Sears Wish Book catalog copy

Roll Bingle Balls down Bingle Flinger and watch them bounce from hum-drum to hum-drum and jump through hoop; Flicker Ticker swings balls around, boosts them to the Bangle Vator, then plop into the Boingle Bucket for a thrilling finish.

NORMAL 105

Scent 2000: Experience the Adventure!

Goose: Gunshot say: Keep Stirring!

Come to France: The land of unfinished scaffolding disguised as art.

It's not what you say, but the money you pay.

If I thought it was mine, I wouldn't have eaten it.

Dave: If you aren't going to wash the dishes, could you at least throw them away?

You know that with proper marketing, you can sell anything. Well, everything except democratic presidential candidates, it seems.

If I wasn't a carp, I think I'd like to be a carpet. Or a carpool, whichever.

Darla: You have Bette Davis thighs.

Schnauzers with poodles, terriers and geese, these are a few of my favorite crossbreeds.

Wanted: 600+ lawn flamingos and dwarves. Must have hourly rates.

When in doubt, aim for vital organ grinder, or his monkey.

To my advisor: You are special. Not everyone can have a tie that ugly.

Why was it so chewy? It was Naugahyde(tm).

Consider the phrase, "live autopsy."

We asked the wire spools, "would you like to see our validated parking ticket?" But the spools said nothing. We turned to the empty air-conditioning crates...

Fiddler on the roof? But I just met her!

To Drew in Chicago: bet you didn't expect to see YOUR name here. Ha.

VERY STRANGE 125

Moo 'n' oink, m-m-m-m-moo 'n' oink

AVOIDING VEGETABLES 200

This artichoke of mine - it's already past its prime.

Can you see the pumpkin? Do you want it to see you? Then don't cut eyes in it. Either that, or only cut eyes with cataracts.

TO: CATS/KITTENS 235

Charlie: Get your muddy feet off my car you furry sack of shit! Laz

Edsel: we all miss you.

Ivo, you are the world's best fluff-kitty. Love, mommie.

NOT QUITE STUPID ENOUGH 260

This is your brain on drugs with a slice of bacon and a fried egg . . . hey, wait a minute, that really IS your brain on drugs!

LAWN JARTS 280

Lawn Jarts. Many colors, sizes, prices. Guaranteed safe for teens, small chilhey don't throw that at mowwwwwww oh oh arrrrrrrgh owwwwwww aieeeeeee

Sonya sez: Green lawn jarts are the best. Do me, baby!

TO: SIGNIFICANT OTHERS 285

I want to rut with you like a rampant wildebeest.

If you don't love me, can I at least have a ham sandwich?

BOWLING 301

Bowling is related to things.

Pins, wonderful pins, beautiful pins. Make-up!

Bowling is something.

REMBERANCES OF BOWLING 302

"I practice the art of zen bowling: 'To bowl by not bowling.' I have found that I do consistently better at the game when I clear my mind and just throw the ball. If a pin falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Thinking is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs."
-Scott

"Nothing cures a headache better than a good ten frames."
-Steve

"Bowling is too complicated for amoebae."
-Mike

"I'm not doing Worship the Bowling Shoes."
-Ray

"When my average gets too low, a few games of bumper bowling seems to kick it right back up."
-Mark

"My favorite part of bowling is the delightful smell of brand new bowling apparel and equipment. New bowling lanes also smell really neat also."
-Brian

TOY CONCERNS 303

I'm going to score some green dads!

"So I passed on the castle, it was pretty mangled, no horse, no dragon. But I picked up a 'medical dad' from the Children's Hospital for two cents, nothing else was there . . . the kid was looking at me like I was crazy."
"He got that right."

"Hey, were the Viewmasters 3D?"
[laughter]
"Oh...ohhhh...I'm putting that in."

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES 370

Profit from the gullibility and naivete of others. Send $50 for special TOP SECRET plans!

NOT EVEN POETRY 380

You Igneous Wench
When you are gone, my life contracts. Give me an explanation. I dig thee with a strong pick-axe. Return my excavations.
-Bobzombie

FOREIGN LANGUAGES 395

Gomme pour papier et film, borrador para papel y folios. Radier fur Papier und Folie. Ole!

Maison que de plaisic avec cette jolie maison qui s'ouvre. La porte du garage se souleve, la sonnette tinte et la porte de la maison s'ouvre. Toutes les pieces se rangent a l'interieur. Poginee de transport.

SUCH A DEAL 410

Not Wanted: My wife, Ethel, or my oldest son "Killer." Willing to trade straight accross for '74 Dodge Dart or one pair size 12 cowboy boots. No sequins.

TINY BOOK REVIEW COLUMN YEAH 510

Today, we review This'll Kill Ya, a perky little tome written by Harry Willson, and put out by those nuts over in III Publishing. Topical fiction concerning the contents of a book on censorship. The characters are one-dimensional, the plot is a tape loop, the ending, well, it ends. I crossed out the last chapter and wrote my own in which everyone dies. "A lyrical, haunting masterpiece." - C. H. Draft