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Above: Necco's Television Lozenge

2000 items of note: CRLF line convertor / The Pleasure-Railroad / Dr. Berk's Please Pass the Science / All About All About / All Salt Action / Soldiers In Distress


January 2000.

2000jan03. One of our local network loser stations cut to a short-statured reporter in the midst of a Santa Clara new year's party. She started rattling off Y2k stats from a prepared sheet of paper while the "partying" crowd behind her became more and more boisterous. As the look on her face grew exponentially irritated, she was slowly swallowed by the crowd... for about twenty seconds all you could see or hear were the happy, waving-at-the-camera partygoers before someone back at home base finally cut away...

It was the most beautiful thing on TV I've seen in a long time.

2000jan03. Dotcomguy is having Y2k problems....

Upcoming Events

01/03/2000 ‒ 01:09:00 AM
Invalid Date/Time object
01/03/19100

Looks like you're going to have to stay in the house until the year 19100, "Dotcomguy."

2000jan03. Losers, HO!

2000jan03. I think the grandest thing about the year 2000 is that EVERYTHING could be suffixed with "2000"! It's no longer "It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene," it's "It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene 2000"! Are you following me here?!?? This is something I'm never going to tire of, unlike that stupid Gap ad campaign "Everyone in sweaters"! Everyone in 2000!!!!!!

2000jan05. WTO Protest article by Mark Hosler of Negativland [via Metascene]

2000jan06. Punk rock karaoke

2000jan07. Cintra.

2000jan07. Today's my last day of work for a long, long time. To celebrate, I'm providing you with the following link: In Defense Of Fucking Off.

2000jan10. Your tax dollars not at work, part XVI.

2000jan11. The Al Pacino Pachinko Parlor, part of Japan from the Driver's Seat [via gmtPlus9]

2000jan11. Quirky Japan

2000jan11. Merit Sleepytime Smokes. Safer! Smoke two simultaneously! Fall asleep... no problem. It's Sleepytime in America.

2000jan11. Again, I don't know where these artistic genuises get their ideas... buildings that are fighting!

2000jan11. Ebay: $2000 for a fishing lure box. Act now. Avoid the rush.

2000jan11. Ebay: Six foot life size ice cream cone statue. Yes, as big as LIFE itself. "Whoa, whoa, there little feller! Don't try to eat that! It's ART, handcrafted from THICK RESIN. That'll give you a tummyache like you wouldn't believe!"

2000jan11. Black Jesus and White Jesus fight to figure out who's the bestest son of God! There are more religious action figures at the bottom of this page!

2000jan11. Something the other day reminded me of Larry Walters, the guy who tied a bunch of helium balloons to a lawn chair and levelled off at 16,000 feet. I like the mental image of six of his friends, helping him prepare for liftoff...

2000jan12. New Leisuretown. Hell yes!

2000jan14. There's been a plane crash, somewhere over there, or something. [via jon]

2000jan14. Attention, people of Chicago! Attention, people of Chicago! You must attend the Chicago version of Crux's "24 Hour Plays"! It will be at the Chopin Theatre on January 23rd at 7:45pm! A series of plays conceived, written, rehearsed, and produced within the space of one (1) earth day! Check your local froo-froo rag for details, or call the theatre!

2000jan14. Philip Greenspun: Las Vegas.

2000jan14. Mail.

I have an idea for a product that is made of styrofoam and I would like to talk to you about it... If you don't mind please send me your phone number and I will give you a call.. If I were to develop this product I would be willing to share a percentage with you, with all legalized documentation... Thanks, L

Ooooooh, I hope it's really big and foamy!

2000jan15. The story on that "13 parts rodent excreta allowed in every 100 grams of Chips Ahoy" or whatever government nonsense.

2000jan15. It's the Fucking Hypocrites Show! Starring Journalists and The Police!

2000jan15. Pixbarn: Meiji Strawberry Apollo Chocolate Whatevers.

Back and front of package. It's like a little comic strip ‒ the rabbit has gone and eaten the strawberries at top and some of the delicious Apollo chocolate. Now he's all bloated. Good luck getting bloated on the miniscule portions of this candy, though. I mean, the actual box is less than two inches high. It's part of a set of four different products, like a "one bite sampler pak." But that's actually nice, all things in moderation. Not this ridiculous gallon-size latte cup super-size-it house-like-SUV swamp this country waddles through.

2000jan15. Pixbarn.

Toppy Choco Nuts Instant Seasoning Paks are a delightful addition to any otherwise unadorned piece of toast. In case it's not abundantly clear from the front photo exactly how one is to prepare Toppy Choco Nuts Instant-seasoned toast, there is a three-step cartoon on the back, led by a smaller piece of toast I've come to call "Mr. Toppy Nuts Toast Chef." We play a lot of 9-ball, I'm down five bucks. Pay special attention to step #2, in which you are required to pour the bag of Toppy Choco Nuts onto the toast (this is the "instant" part). A lot of people screw the pooch right there. I'm not sure why Mr. Toppy Nuts doesn't just apply the seasoning mix to himself. That's the way things are usually done around here.

Also, I bought a slew of these bags (also Toppy Honey Nuts Instant Seasoning) for the Nader Free Toast Offer Contest. If you voted for Nader and did not receive your free toast and free Toppy Honey/Choco Nuts Instant Seasoning Pak, there's really nothing I can do at this point. See you in 2004.

Ingredients: sugar, almond, caco mass, milk powder, peanut, wheat flour, cocoa butter, cocoa powder, canola oil, corn starch, glucose, egg yolk, salt, artificial flavor, caramel coloring, leavening, soy lecithin. I know. Your mouth is watering now.

2000jan17. Word Work: More proof that customer-care people are from other planets.

2000jan18. Cecil Adams: Folding paper seven times but never eight de-bunked

2000jan18. Mack Romain: Private Eye (comic)

2000jan18. Mail.

Excellent. Haven't found anything here yet that's bored me. Made me nervous, yes, but hopefully y'all're states away. I guess that's safe enough.

2000jan18. Mail.

I'm really starting to get annoyed by Cecil Adams. The question was "Can paper be folded more than 7 times?", not "Can anything be folded more than 7 times?" I'm still not sure whether the "no more than 7" rule actually applies to paper, but Cecil didn't even address the actual question, even though he claims he has! It's this type of misinformation and misdirection that the press is famous for. I was just hoping Cecil was immune. The question still stands! ‒ dr. berk

2000jan20. Singapore Hello Kitty RIOT [via Iain]

2000jan20. "The Fucking Hypocrites Show, Part II Starring Al Gore" [via the mysterious "p]

2000jan20. High-lariously boring-ass-shit e-postcards

2000jan20. Total Lunar Eclipse!

2000jan20. Mail.

Yeah, Cecil pulled a bait-and-switch on the paper-folding question, but, geez, why wait for the Straight Dope to settle the question when you can go get some paper and try it yourself. If tissue paper counts as paper, the matter's settled: I got eight folds out of a sheet (about 18"x11") last night.

This should give you some indication of how exciting my evenings are. ‒ greg

2000jan21. I think tissue paper is cheating again. Somebody get a frickin' big ass piece of "regular" paper and get this thing LOCKED. [mark]

2000jan21. Privacy: Amazon.com & Alexa in bed, whispering to each other all about you [via Obscure Store

2000jan21. Mail.

OK. I got a 3 foot by 5 foot sheet of 20lb paper from the art department. Could not fold it in half more than 7 times. Even tried bending it over a counter top and squashing my boot heel against it. The "spine" is about 1 1/2 inches thick, so I don't think it's because I'm a pipsqueak. -- tecopa jane

2000jan21. Mail.

I have here on my desk a piece of D-sized (22" x 34") drafting paper. I have now folded it once. And twice. And three times. Now four. The suspense is nearly unbearable. Five. Six. Se7en. It's now about 3/4" x 9" by about 3/4" thick. Hey, nobody said you had to alternate horizontal and vertical folds, right? And now, folding it the obvious way to make it 3/4" x 4.5" x 1.5," we have a winner.

And this is regular old paper. Not tissue paper. Not mylar. Not vellum (really thin paper). Thickness about 0.004" by my cheap-o Japanese vernier calipers.

So enough with the paper already. ‒ steve

2000jan21. Mail.

I think we can safely say: It depends on the thickness of the paper! SCIENCE!!! ‒ dr. berk

2000jan24. Steve replies:

While this isn't really the forum to go into treatises on the scientific method, let me just note that proving that something can't be done is way harder than proving that it can. To prove that it can be done, you just have to do it. But it doesn't work the opposite way. I can't run a 4 minute mile, but that doesn't prove it can't be done.

Let's look at the paper problem again. It's a simple doubling issue, familiar to all of you computer science types out there (you know who you are). The 8th fold will produce a stack that is 2^8 (256) times the thickness of the original piece of paper, assuming (as scientists are wont to do) inhumanly perfect folding. It's really the paper's thickness, even more than the size, that's important here.

My .004" paper (10 times as thick as Cecil's plastic) theoretically would have been 1.024" thick after the 8th fold, but was actually about 1.5" thick. I sure couldn't fold it a 9th time. I would guess that Jane's paper was thicker to start with, so she hit the 1.5" mark at the 7th fold.

We've proven that neither Jane nor I can fold a small, 1.5" thick bundle of paper. Maybe one of you big he-men (or she-women, whatever) out there in (ugh) cyberspace can. If so, you've got a great future in winning bar bets. Have at it.

2000jan24. "I've STEPPED DOWN! I've given FIVE BILLION DOLLARS to my foundation! CALL OFF YOUR DOGS!!!" Ass.

2000jan24. Another reason SUVs suck: America's glorious guardrails are now too small for our big fat ass SUVs. So remember how you could drive around a mountainous curve and the passengers could look out unto the scenic landscape? Forget it. Of course, the government is responsible for replacing the guardrails if the feasibility study holds true with real-world scenarios (yeah, like SUVs aren't going to roll over guardrails built for cars), so it won't happen for a long time. Meanwhile, bring your camera to scenic drop-off points.

2000jan24. Mail.

While this isn't really the forum to go into treatises on the scientific method, let me just note that proving that something can't be done is way harder than proving that it can. To prove that it can be done, you just have to do it. But it doesn't work the opposite way. I can't run a 4 minute mile, but that doesn't prove it can't be done.

Let's look at the paper problem again. It's a simple doubling issue, familiar to all of you computer science types out there (you know who you are). The 8th fold will produce a stack that is 2^8 (256) times the thickness of the original piece of paper, assuming (as scientists are wont to do) inhumanly perfect folding. It's really the paper's thickness, even more than the size, that's important here.

My .004" paper (10 times as thick as Cecil's plastic) theoretically would have been 1.024" thick after the 8th fold, but was actually about 1.5" thick. I sure couldn't fold it a 9th time. I would guess that Jane's paper was thicker to start with, so she hit the 1.5" mark at the 7th fold.

We've proven that neither Jane nor I can fold a small, 1.5" thick bundle of paper. Maybe one of you big he-men (or she-women, whatever) out there in (ugh) cyberspace can. If so, you've got a great future in winning bar bets. Have at it. ‒ steve

2000jan25. This is what I have been waiting for for years ... GIANT POCKY 2000

2000jan25. Everyone loves the naughty European candy.

2000jan25. GIANT...CONE! A commercial for a Glico frozen confection. (requires quicktime, and really, you must have audio to appreciate it)

2000jan25. Here's the rest of the Glico confection commercials. Click on the cameras (duh).

2000jan25. Rabbits poundin' the mochi during Otsukimi (a full moon viewing in autumn). Pound, rabbits, pound! "Mochi" means "full moon" and "rice flour," and that is what mochi is made from, by pounding, like the rabbits, there in the full moon. Get it? Like Americans see the "man on the moon," the new film starring Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman, the Japanese see "the rabbits pounding the mochi." Which is probably not the subject of a film. But I'm not the guy that would know.

2000jan30. Pixbarn.

Popcorn.

2000jan31. "Easy-to-gulp pudding." a DEATH pudding, no doubt! [applause]

jan 25. Pocky television ads. Do note the common elements: screaming, over-emphasized biting/chomping SFX. We also learn that Pocky is pronounced "Poke-ee" not "Pock-ee." Today has been a very educational day, in terms of candy products manufactured by Glico. (requires quicktime). I am also happy that the girl was able to find her paint brushes.

2000jan31. The Pillsbury Doughboy: (darker) (much darker) [via jon]

2000jan31. GIANT... CONE! NUTS! CHOCOLATE! ICE AND CONE! Sorry.

2000jan31. Oh! OH!!!!!! Oh my. This is very exciting! The Triangle Poster Company! You must look! Olde-tyme posterse!

2000jan31. The Library of Congress also has a section devoted to theatrical posters, but the scans are all completely tiny. Here's an example: Professor Cummings, the celebrated magician, vocalist, and comedian!! The good professor offers "Piece-work!! Piece-work! Magic! ... Mystic arts! ... Dancing babies!" Dancing babies? That was probably a total flop. No one would be interested in any "dancing baby."


February 2000.

2000feb01. It's February. You know what that means. don't you? You thought I forgot? It's the It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene 2000's Second Annual Canadian Month Spectacular! That's right! 31 or whatever days of Mostly Canadian Content! Or not! Canadian money? AT PAR! Bryan Adams? A well-respected musician! So sit back, crack open a Molson, and "take off," you "hoser"! "Eh!"

2000feb02. Clean Surface: Debris.

2000feb03. Mail.

Thanks for pointing out all of the cute stuff on e-bay (as seen on the home page ‒ "ed"). Unfortunately, I can only look at a few thousand cute items at one sitting, so I devised a method to hone the list down to the cream of the cute crop; if you put in a keyword search including appropriate exclamation points, not only do you get a list of the most cute stuff (cuteness rating easily being measured by counting the punctuation marks carefully doled out by the seller.), but the cuter it is, the smaller the list becomes. Just look at these numbers-

Cute!=2686 items
Cute!!=1054 items
Cute!!!=504 items
Cute!!!!=135 items

This continues until we get to the achingly rare ten pointer finds like the "boy's Guess sweatshirt- cute!!!!!!!!!!"

Of course, I'm in the market for lots of other crap that isn't just "cute" but is equally extreme, like "rare!!!," or "new!!!," or the occasional "cool!!!"

I now find it quite simple just to put in exclamation points by themselves. There were a paltry few items meriting the prestigious 25+ point rating, but the one item that caught my eye was the gem, "CROCHET TABLECLOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I think the fact that the caps lock key was a clever marketing ploy as well. I got a tear in my eye, in fact, upon loading up the item's info as I went back to my youth when all the neighborhood kids would play that game, running through the woods all the while shouting "CROCHET TABLECLOTH!!!!!!!!!"

Wow. I miss those days.

Was I supposed to ask a question?
-- Jaf Rye

No, that is quite all right. I have also been beta-testing other search terms in ebay, like "bizarre," "love," and "suck." The latter offers "Suck 'em up your exhaust. Satin Chevie Jacket" as the latest auction, and also flags some of the "Big Johnson" oeuvre. I miss the midwest.

2000feb03. Narduwar vs. Loverboy. "Loverboy: responsible for headbands, payola, and Courtney Love's nose." [via Rain Barrel]

2000feb03. I have heard a rumor that thecounter.com is replacing their five-mile sneaker-net runner with a bicycle messenger.

2000feb04. The French: wimps.

2000feb04. Cintra.

2000feb04. Stockhausen: off his nutter AGAIN!

2000feb07. Special Collector's Edition AZU Airmail Stamp now available

2000feb07. Wassup Superfriends (requires quicktime, a must-see) plus bonus Smug: Wassup Analysis

2000feb07. Pixbarn.

Tohato Pancake Puffs: The great taste of pancakes with butter and syrup, now available in a puffed form. I didn't get to eat these bad boys, but the smell from the bag is intoxicating. Not really a pancake-butter-syrup smell, more like a syrup/sugar-overload- with-a-vague-hint-of-pancake smell.

This is the package design section, however, and although this computer graphic file does not properly convey it, the picture of pancakes shown here is ultra-realistic. Perfect pancakes, a lot like the menu design for Waffle House.

2000feb08. Kaz: Shy Boy.

2000feb08. Burning Man 2000! BURNING MAN 2000! Line up, IPO winners and rich people! Line up for tickets! What? Tickets aren't available right now? According to the website? Huh. That's weird... someone forwarded this message to me. So if you're interested in not paying through the nose, maybe this is the way to go. Tell your friends. Forward it in email, like a chain letter. Light up those lines. See you on the playa! No, no I won't.

The ticket situation for BM 2000 is pretty grim. Here's the news:

TICKETS ARE NOW AVAILABLE

The Federal government has raised our fees 560%! This will drastically increase our costs. At the same time, we have decided not to sell tickets during the final three days of our event. This will significantly decrease our income. As a result, ticket prices will go up. Earlier this year, we offered special $200 tickets priced to defray the cost of selling bargain tickets to lower income participants. To date, we have sold 106. We thank those of you who have helped us.

We are now offering a limited number of bargain tickets. We will sell 2,000 tickets to our event for $95 and 4,000 tickets for $125. If these tickets sell out, we will return your check. If you are buying a ticket for $95, you may include an additional check for $30 to better ensure a purchase at our next highest rate ($95+ $30 = $125). If the $95 ticket has not sold out, we will return the extra check with your ticket confirmation.

All ticket orders must be postmarked NO LATER than March 3, 2000. After this date, we will return your check. This offer is limited to TWO TICKETS per person.

TO ORDER TICKETS

Make your check(s) payable to BURNING MAN
Mail your check(s) to:

BURNING MAN
P.O. Box 420572
San Francisco. CA 94142-0572

DO NOT send cash or money orders (US funds only). No credit card sales will be taken at this time.

You MUST include this information:
* Your name, full address, email address and telephone number (PRINT CLEARLY)
* The number of people in your party (maximum of 2 per purchase)

Ticket prices will gradually increase throughout the year. A schedule of rates will be published in our next newsletter and on the web site. These lower cost tickets are sold at a net loss to Burning Man. They are intended for those who cannot afford higher prices. If you need to buy a lower cost ticket, buy it now. If you can afford to and would like to pay more, please do.

If you wanna go, better jump with your checkbook.

Yep. Jump my little friends. Take a flying leap.

2000feb08. Morinaga cocoa commercial. Try the thirty-second commercial first. It's not as wacked as the Glico ones, but still great fun. The whole family is in jammies on the beach? What? "Cocoa. Cocoa. Cocoa."

2000feb08. The Onion: As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

2000feb08. Mail.

Do you know where I can get payment schedule 3c for the Burning man 2000 tickets? ‒ SMC

From what I understand, "SMC," you will receive payment coupons from an independent credit agency that are used for remitting monthly continuation assurance of Burning Man 2000 admission. Schedule 3C allows for a 45 day grace period from the date of your Burning Man admission continuation assurance, and is NOT retroactive, depending on line 17 of your Burning Man 2000 Admission Financial Profile, which you should have received in one of the first three Burning Man 2000 Payment Preparation Packets (herein referred to as "P3"). Schedule 3C itself was sent out as a wholly independent form in late December of 1999, before the second Burning Man 2000 P3 Discussion Sortie. Future Sorties will discuss the possibility of all Burning Man camps consisting of artist's renditions of the actual camp, since no one will have any money left to create anything.

2000feb09. "Feast or Famine" cable television program. Drunk chefs arrive at your door and try to make a decent meal out of the crap in your kitchen with hilarious results.

2000feb09. SF Weekly: The Schmulowitz Collection of Wit and Humor at the San Francisco Public Library.

2000feb09. I kissed Al Roker. [via Molotov Jo]

2000feb12. Midi files, or sublime instruments of torture? (try the "WRKP" theme song at the bottom, for example)

2000feb15. Fawn Gehweiler interview [via Metascene]

2000feb15. Kooks be usin' computers now.

2000feb16. Hey, it's the Annual "Perhaps You Internet Abusers Should Go Meet Your Dysfunctional White Trash Neighbors" Article.

2000feb16. "Okay boys, the Simpson case is BACK open! CALL OUT THE DOGS!!!"

2000feb20. Whiskey Pete's, Primm NV; Main Street Station (Las Vegas).

Casino win/loss: $+1.25.
Total win/loss: $-69.55.

Usually you can take a trip to Southern California and just breeze into any hotel/motel in any city and grab a room. Not on President's Day Weekend. President's Day used to be this homely little holiday that nobody knew what to do with, but now in today's 24/7 workplace, people are scrabbling to grab every little bit of vacation time that they can. So imagine you were all geeked to stay in this little rinky-dink town, and they're all booked up, and then you drive completely out of the way to Primm, and they're all booked up, and you call ahead and find out Las Vegas (Las Vegas? Now you're really going out of your way) is actually all booked up (they have one number for this), and Motel 6 says the only two rooms in Southern California are at the same motel you just came from, in all likelihood the same two rooms. You drove all day, now you're going to drive all night to get back where you were? No. One of you finally, on the last try before either turning back or who knows what other desperate measure, gets ahold of a local family member who agrees to put you all up for the night. You are very lucky. That's why you walk away from Whiskey Pete's with an extra quarter in your pocket, and from Main Street Station with an extra dollar, after paying an appropriate vig to the two molls you bummed cash off of. Incidentally, I was down about six bucks, but I found a very strange clown-themed slot machine that repulsed me so much I had to play it... and the clowns paid off. There's a first time for everything.

2000feb22. Inconspicuous Consumption: Flambé Fanfare

2000feb22. Salon Travel: Pico Iyer

2000feb22. [Cardhouse] Dr. Berk's Caption Contest winners

2000feb23. [Cardhouse] Casino standings updated

2000feb23. Rock out to HESSIAN LOVE

2000feb23. Cards as Weapons [via memepool]

2000feb23. Canadian Month CONTINUES! Andy's Canada Q and A page. [via Metascene]

2000feb23. Mail.

How can you say that YOU have created the cardhouse song when all you did was copy words from another song? I think that you are an idiot.

This, obviously, is one of my most treasured letters ever.

2000feb23. Mail.

dear cardhouse
I JUST had to write to youse aft seeing that abosulutely thrillingly mindshifting nerve-racking awesomely boring set of photos on your website. Mind you I only viewed about two dozen but was so overwhelmed I had to take the time to sit down and write to you.
The captions are honestly very very creative far better than the photogenic selections. Am I missing something here ? ? or are the photos supposed to be boring in every aspect?
Happy hunting....
Tell The Finger [an unfortunately defunct website from which a portion of the found photos originated] to find some photos not out of focus..(oh I see thats his speciality..great)..have a great one... keep on trucking...

Yes, I've spent a lot of hours sorting through the much larger back stock of found photos to pick out the most boring ones. You're clearly clueless, I don't know why I'm bothering to reply. I am going to continue to truck, as well.

2000feb24. "Them Duke boys got a bigger flag than we do! Let's git'im!"

2000feb24. Doggie Diner head removal protest this Saturday. Heh. "Head removal protest."

2000feb25. Mail.

[some-probably-now-dead-dotcom-name].com would like to have a button or link placed on your web site. In return, we will place a link to your web site on the Orange County Web Mall link page.

The Orange County Web Mall? Contacting me? [choking back tears]

2000feb28. Mail.

hellooooo,
how r u? and i see ur pic...and this is very nice pic...and tell me , would u like to friendship with me..
and where do u live ?
reply asap.
bye

A love letter from Pakistan.

2000feb29. Jailbird Journal [via Illuminatrix]

2000feb29. Well, I hope you've enjoyed Cardhouse's Second Annual Canadian Month as much as I have. I think I've learned a lot of things about Canadians, and a little bit about my self as well. My friend Tecopa Jane sent along this batch of Canadian links a few weeks ago, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to check them out in time for everyone to enjoy them during Canadian Month. What?

Stompin' Tom
Frank Magazine
Broken Pencil
Canoe


March 2000.

2000mar01. I'll take all of you sissies on! C'mon!

2000mar01. I like nice stories that turn out nice. This one is about a nice dinosaur! Nice.

2000mar02. Pinkisgood: My Cat Stole My Pantyhose (flash required) [via Pinkisgood]

2000mar03. Tons of Russian candy from Red October. CRAZY IVAN! I wish the images were larger.

2000mar07. OBEY BIG BOY TRAFFIC CONTROL MECHANISM [per Soosan]

2000mar07. Madonna in Love With English Pubs, Also Enjoys Indian Food, Those Silly Little Scottish Hats, Henna, Paczkis, Judaism, and Anything Else That Will Help Sell Her Latest "Compact Disc" Recording. [via Megan]

2000mar07. Pixbarn.

Commentary is superfluous.

2000mar09. Royal Journal: Cross-cultural artifacts.

2000mar10. Identity swap database. You must know your height and weight in "metric" units. Also enjoy the unique multi-lingual animated gifs.

2000mar10. I have been observing, with my scientist's eye, the onion, and the garlic. I am prepared to assert that these two herbs may be related in some fashion.

2000mar10. The beautiful and most important Car Garden [via Lo]

2000mar13. The holiday season is fast approaching, and you've no gift ideas for the fat baby boomer on your list. Rejoice! REJOICE I SAY. For it is I, the moderator of the It's The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene 2000, bringing you ordering information for just the exceedingly perfect product to purchase for your pudgy pal.

2000mar13. Topsy Turvy. Topsy Fucking Turvy. Clocking in at two hours and forty minutes, you better damn well enjoy the myriad dead-end subplots that all the critics are raving about. One of the actors ... does heroin! One of the actresses ... has a leg injury, but then she's okay! Someone's pregnant ... but she's going to take care of it! Gilbert bumps into a street woman and he is harangued! Another actress can't get any men because she has a daughter ... and then, later, she can't get any men because she has a daughter!. Time wasters, all. But who cares when you (the viewer) apparently have all the time in the world? Why edit a film? Otherwise, there were some theatre-related Mikado-ee bits in there that would entertain those type of people who like musicals. There is funny verbal sparring. But if I want a film to last three hours, I'll watch it 2.3 times.

2000mar13. Furious George and the Cross-Country Crime Spree

2000mar13. God that Furious George thing is wonderful. Read the rules first, though.

2000mar14. The Last Case of Encyclopedia Brown [via Britain]

2000mar14. I want a yellow cupcake from Hostess.

2000mar14. Mmmmmmm... mouth-watering, ummm, whatever that is. [via megan]

2000mar14. Salon: wacked foreign game shows

2000mar14. Maybe, one day, a strange, beautiful war will break out and both sides will eventually collapse and die.

2000mar14. Mail.

Have you ever considerd renaming the site to "Cardhaus"? That would be so much more, um, what's the word? Oh yeah ‒ "Euro" keep on rockin!

No, that domain name is taken. Please do not be confused.

2000mar15. Legacy machines. Old computing power continues to live. Get off the treadmill. Break the shackles of Microsoft and Apple and be free. Personally I'd like to be able to program in DCL again.

2000mar15. I have received a few emails asking me how to purchase candy cigarettes. So I have prepared a small textual guide. It is boring.

2000mar15. Marci o' Portland Cacophony Society

2000mar16. Seventeen blades. Who cares. Die.

2000mar16. [Cardhouse] A Drinking Prayer.

2000mar16. Salon: Net.art.

2000mar16. Mail.

dammit all to hell!! when are you gonna get off your pooper and update the damn deck o' junk?? i need to see my cards boy!!!!

I am very tired. Also I am moving. And hungry, too.

2000mar16. Pixbarn.

When Others Drink.
A motivational prayer from Young People's Prayers: Religion at Work in Life (1950).

Special thanks to Rusty.

2000mar17. Inconspicuous Consumption: Three-point Pops

2000mar17. Ebay: Okay, it could be for dogs, not babies. Could be.

2000mar17. Cintra.

2000mar18. Mail.

Hi, my name is Megan G. and I own a company called Card Haus. Originally I was going to call it Card House, but that domain name was already in use, hence the German spelling. I was wondering if you would do a favor for me. Could you put a link up to my website on your site? I think some of our business is being lost due to the different spelling. The text by it could say something like "If you are looking for Magic and Pokemon cards, click here." Let me know what you think, I would really appreciate it if we could work something out. Thanks!

I told Megan she could pay me for the site or pay me for advertising. She never responded. She has correctly surmised that people are erroneously going to Cardhouse instead of Cardhaus. I am trying to figure out why someone interested in collecting Pokemon cards, for example, would not be able to differentiate between the English and German spellings of Card House. I will think about this for a long time.

2000mar19. Mail.

jackass

2000mar20. "My God," said the police chief. "Those Oscars might be packed with C4 or sumthin'! Ain't no way we can return 'em now!"

2000mar21. Mail. i would like to be your friend
i am girl

hi I am alya....
iam arabic girl i live in Dubai in United Arab Emirates

Thank you

[dubbed dialogue] You are of no use to me, girl. Candy cigarettes are outlawed in the United Arab Emirates. Be gone. [tosses Alya over shoulder into sand] Wait! Interesting packaging! Come back, Alya, come back!!! Oh boo hoo...

2000mar22. Excerpt.

The following was introduced:

H. 4133 ‒ Reps. Allison, Townsend, Altman, Askins, Bailey, Barfield, Barrett, Battle, Bauer, Baxley, Beck, Boan, Bowers, Breeland, G. Brown, H. Brown, J. Brown, T. Brown, Byrd, Campsen, Canty, Carnell, Cato, Cave, Chellis, Clyburn, Cobb-Hunter, Cooper, Cotty, Cromer, Dantzler, Davenport, Delleney, Easterday, Edge, Felder, Fleming, Gamble, Gourdine, Govan, Hamilton, Harrell, Harrison, Harvin, Haskins, Hawkins, J. Hines, M. Hines, Hinson, Hodges, Howard, Inabinett, Jennings, Jordan, Keegan, Kelley, Kennedy, Kinon, Kirsh, Klauber, Knotts, Koon, Lanford, Law, Leach, Lee, Limbaugh, Limehouse, Littlejohn, Lloyd, Loftis, Mack, Maddox, Martin, Mason, McCraw, McKay, McLeod, McMahand, McMaster, Meacham, Miller, Moody-Lawrence, Mullen, Neal, Neilson, Parks, Phillips, Pinckney, Quinn, Rhoad, Rice, Riser, Robinson, Rodgers, Sandifer, Scott, Seithel, Sharpe, Sheheen, Simrill, D. Smith, F. Smith, J. Smith, R. Smith, Spearman, Stille, Stoddard, Stuart, Tripp, Trotter, Vaughn, Walker, Webb, Whatley, Whipper, Wilder, Wilkes, Wilkins, Witherspoon, Woodrum, Young and Young-Brickell: A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION SALUTING MISS SOUTH CAROLINA, ANGELA MICHELLE HUGHES, ON HER OUTSTANDING ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HER SUPERB REPRESENTATION OF THE PALMETTO STATE DURING THE PAST YEAR.

Whereas, in July, 1996, Angela Michelle Hughes won the crown and title of Miss South Carolina; and Whereas, for the past year, she has wonderfully represented the Palmetto State in many capacities and endeavors, including competing in the Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City, New Jersey, last September; and Whereas, Miss Hughes is a 1993 honor graduate of Blue Ridge High School in Greer; she attended Wofford College for two years after high school and then attended Anderson College for a year and will return to Anderson College after the completion of her reign as Miss South Carolina; and Whereas, she has won numerous scholastic awards, including the following: Collegiate Award, All American Scholar, Gamma Beta Phi Honor Society, President of Omicron Iota Kappa, Dean's List, and Fashion Merchandising Scholarship; and Whereas, her community efforts and endeavors have included the following: Board Member, Anderson Alliance for Prevention of Child Abuse; member, South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse; Blue Ribbon Campaign Volunteer for Prevention of Child Abuse; and Character Education Camp Coordinator for Developing Character Traits in Children; and Whereas, her statewide platform as Miss South Carolina has been the "Power of Self Esteem" for children of all ages; and Whereas, Ms. Hughes is a beautiful, talented, and dynamic young woman who deeply cares about others, especially children; all South Carolinians are very proud of her; she has been an excellent queen whose representation of the Palmetto State from 1996 to 1997 will long be remembered and appreciated. Now, therefore, Be it resolved by the House of Representatives, the Senate concurring: That the General Assembly of the State of South Carolina, by this resolution, salutes Miss South Carolina, Angela Michelle Hughes, on her outstanding accomplishments and her superb representation of the Palmetto State during the past year. Be it further resolved that a copy of this resolution be forwarded to Ms. Angela Michelle Hughes.

The Concurrent Resolution was agreed to and ordered sent to the Senate.

2000mar22. FINALLY !!! NUT LOVERS CAN SNACK ON FRESH, HOT & CRUNCHY NUTS ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, WITHOUT MAKING SPECIAL TRIPS.

2000mar22. Undiscussed subtext: the SSA considers the "normal retirement age" to be SIXTY SEVEN YEARS OLD even though 80% of the people retiring now are under sixty FIVE. I wonder what the penalty is if I just retire now.

2000mar23. I don't usually do this, but I provide this link with a WARNING: This may cause extreme nausea. [via obscure store]

2000mar23. Blowthedotoutyourass.com [via Britain]

2000mar23. Mail.

My name is Darrell with Feast Ur Eyes Distribution. I am in the adult business, just looking for unquike magazines that stores don t carry. Thats why I am writing to you to see if we can do some kind of business. If so please contact me with some information or questions.
Thank You Darrell c\o Feast Ur Eyes Distribution

I would like to purchase your finest pornographic magazine. You see, my mother has just thrown away what used to be my finest pornographic magazine. I am currently in arbitration with her over this egregious offense, and am certain that justice will see its way to allow me to "party" once again. Bust it.

2000mar24. Mail.

I must report: in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," Richard Dreyfuss and company DID NOT climb to the top of Devil's Tower. It may have been noted as such in the novelization and certain movie summaries, but I don't believe that the movie itself made the argument that one can climb to the very top of the monument. It has always been my assumption that Dreyfuss and company climbed to the upper base of the tower. I am certain that another viewing by yourself will substantiate my corrections. This report has been prompted by statements made in your otherwise brilliant Burning Man 95 essay. The offending Devil's Tower statement was made here. ‒ flashman

DOOOOOOOOH, THAT FLASHMAN!!! "Upper base"? There's an "upper base"? I'm sorry, what's with the "upper base"? Any Devil's Tower fans out there? I don't remember seeing any "upper base," just one hell of a climb almost straight up ...

2000mar24. Mail.

how can i pick up chicks? give me some sure fire lines..

"Say, did you know I'm a multi-millionaire?"
"Hey, here's $1,000,000, just for being you."
"Do you like money? Because I currently have a lot of it."
"Would you all mind gathering onto the prongs of this forklift?"
"I am Bill Gates and weoooodoggies am I rich."
"I am also Bill Gates."
"No, I am."
"Hey, fellas, now, there's no need to get angry. There's enough chicks here for the both of ya!"
[SFX: The Bill Gates's engage in wild gunplay, shooting into ceiling and floor]

2000mar25. Fitzgeralds, El Dorado, Atlantis, etc, Reno.

Casino win/loss: $-11.30.
Total win/loss: $-80.85.

Oooh! What a horrible gambling time! Bay area Traffic was (and really, always is) vicious, I was tired, the slot machines were evil. I was ready to spend about thirty bucks, but I "gave up" early. We also practically ran out of Fitzgeralds ‒ it's Irish-themed and there was just too much goddamn green everywhere. Good news: one of my friends got up $100 on blackjack, and the Milk Farm sign will be saved and renovated. It was also delightful to see an old lady "attached" to her casino card by a plastic leash ‒ it looked like the slot machine owned her. I mean, was her companion.

2000mar27. Rich CEOs inventing exciting new sports and breaking records! [via Fark]

2000mar27. Don't forget to wear your latex gloves when handling your overseas plane ticket in this Brave New World

2000mar27. Excellent Item of the Week: The Postal Meter

2000mar27. [Cardhouse] Casino standings updated

2000mar27. Constructor [per jon]

2000mar27. A kid at the market today asked his mother if there was "any color darker than black." What a stupid kid.

Black Plus.

2000mar27. Esquire prank: Freewheelz.com. The website is registered to the author of the piece.

2000mar28. Cintra. Oscar.

2000mar30. Two announcements.

I am playing a game tenatively called "The Highest Sodium Content Ever Game." As most foreigners know, Americans love the salt. Most older American homes have a small square access panel near the side door ‒ that's where the weekly salt lick was delivered. This tradition lives on in overly-processed frozen foods and even in some foodstuffs in which sodium would be a most unwelcome ingredient. So I am looking to discover exactly which product has the most sodium ever. There are two categories: the sodium RDA percentage per serving, and total sodium. To get the total sodium, you have to multiply the sodium amount (not percentage) per serving by the number of servings (HELLO, DUH???). Anyway, this contest will run for awhile (a month?) then I will announce the winners and all of the high sodium findings and I will give the winners some stuff. It will be good stuff. Non-edible, but good. You should just use the contact page and include the full name of the product, and numbers for the two categories (or just the first one, if you've forogotten how to multiply ‒ it happens to the best of us). Sodium, sodium. Sodium. Am I spelling that right?

Also if you can write sort of dopey like me and want to contribute to this weblog then let me know. It's really easy. Perhaps too easy. I've got some other things that need patching up and you'd much rather I spent the time on that stuff instead of this stuff. Trust me.

2000mar30. Does anyone remember the "after school special" in which a schoolkid asked how exactly Hitler's Germany could come to pass ‒ and the teacher showed her through example, by creating a shadowy political group within the school? What was the name of that group? [via rc3]

2000mar31. Okay, this is my big move day. So really quickly now:

I knew it was The Wave -- see, the link takes you to the rat-on-your-fellow-students W.A.V.E. America program -- get it? Okay! But thanks to the people who wrote in, and especially those who provided the imdb link ‒ I couldn't find anything on the net about the program...

The sodium entries are RAGING into Cardhouse! Keep'em coming!

I'm still taking entries for additional webloggers! Yes, an entire day later!

Most importantly: Things are going to be rough for the next week and a half. Computers: Disassembled! Our talented web guru: In Abstentia! Taxes: Incomplete! Moving: right now! So if I don't answer your email promptly, it is probably because of one or more of these factors. Kiss, kiss! See you on the other side! T.L.A.!!!!


April 2000.

2000apr03. Seven Questions: Dr. Cliff!

2000apr04. San Francisco shakes down businesses

2000apr04. Star Dudes. Must have Flash. Extremely worth the download time. [via jon]

2000apr04. Online version of Americans with Disabilities Act geared up to cripple the web

2000apr04. "Hey boss, I'm going to be taking me a MUSTACHE VACATION."

2000apr04. I'm going to retch.

2000apr04. Mail.

For some reason, i find cardhouse fascinating. Perhaps a note on your showing of "Victory" candy cigarettes. There's a literary reference here. "Victory" is the brand that Winston Smith smoked in George Orwell's novel "1984." That's what inspired me to buy a pack when I saw them at a candy store in Chicago last year. --- Jim Meadows

In any other case, I'd say it was on purpose. But, considering the machinations of the candy cigarette industry, it would seem to be a total coincidence.

2000apr04. Mail.

hey...

had a customer in here earlier who spent a whole hour at cardhouse.

it was interesting to watch. he'd read for a while, then click about for a bit, then read some more, maybe smile or chuckle quietly to himself, and so on.

so there you go ‒ average Joe's reaction to the material at cardhouse.

and thanks to you, we made six bucks.

that was the most interesting thing that happened to me all day.

-- Jez

Thanks for the update!

2000apr05. Books by Bill Drummond reviewed at The Complete Review.

45
Annual Report
The Manual (with Jimmy Cauty)

2000apr05. It's the hot new addiction that has all of the online koffee klatches buzzing like madcakes: searching randomly in the patent files for stupid things

2000apr05. Another patent. "The toy thermometer and the toy hypodermic have movable components for increasing the child's pleasure." Mmmm.

2000apr05. Mail.

Dear Webmaster- i am a student at the university of maryland, college park. as part of my focus, i am working with photography to show how form and content are an expression of meaning. or, rather, i would like to draw comparisions between the image itself and the societ in which it was born. i feel that found photography could reflect smaller movements in our society today; because there are few sites dedicated to this genre, i would like to know about your feelings on this subject.

1-how is this kind of photography different from any other? is there a difference?

2-do you see this genre expanding in the years to come?

3-what conclusions can be made about found photography in terms of american society? does it reflect a growing isolation of individuals?

thank you very much for taking the time to read this, and i look forward to hearing from you at your convenience.

regards,
-- brian p.

Do what now?

2000apr06. Ebay: WALT DISNEY WORLD COCA-COLA EXXON MICROSOFT UNION-CARBIDE BARBIE LQQK!!!!!!!!!

2000apr06. Ebay: "I love you, darling. And so do the good folks at National Biscuit Company."

2000apr08. People keep asking where the Chrante Deti matchbook covers were discovered. They were purchased from Labelcollector.com for seven American dollars. "Wacky" captions not included.

2000apr09. Mail.

your website is fucking shit and on your banneradd you have pokemon cards on here

Well, aren't you a pleasant little person!

Perhaps your muddled little peabrain was actually thinking of [similar domain name]. Good luck to you, git, and be on your way before I call the truant officer!

2000apr10. Ebay: If I smoked, I would buy this.

2000apr10. Sushi Astrology [via max]

2000apr10. That damned sushi astrology is just like eating at a sushi boat place. If you want all Unagi, you're going to have to wait for awhile...

2000apr10. A furious burst of output from Dr. Cliff!

2000apr10. Mail.

i got an e-mail on sunday from [email address] whoever the fuck that ( or he is } and i'd like to say i'm not a fucking child i deal pokemon cards you cheeky bastards and i'd like an apology from whoever or whatever sent me that e-mail and tell them to shut the fuck up because i'll call their boss!

Let me get this straight. You'd like an APOLOGY, and THIS is your original message?

your website is fucking shit and on your banneradd you have pokemon cards on here

So you blow into town, the first five words out of your bloody gob comprise an insult, you're clearly on the wrong site and you want an APOLOGY while continuing your barrage of insults? Okay, here's one.

We're sorry you're such sad human trash.

Also we talked to our boss and he said you're an "idiot Pokemon loser." Then we all went out for pizza and laughed and laughed.

We do like the "cheeky bastards" insult, though. Catch'em all!

2000apr11. Proof that it's not only great] minds that think [ alike|http://kwikway.com/html/moronic.html]. [lore]

2000apr11. Maakies: I wonder who has that phone number.

2000apr12. [Cardhouse] Just what everyone is waiting for: a program to convert your Mac Eudora files into PC Eudora files.

2000apr12. A nice selection of banned cartoons. [bovine]

2000apr12. Screw diet and exercise. [soosan]

2000apr12. Old Wired story: Kidtrak.

2000apr13. Here, darling. A symbol of my aircraft-grade love. [lore]

2000apr13. The Parable of The Moose That Dared Not Speak Its Name. [bovine]

2000apr13. Perhaps, like me, you are obsessed with the red panda, because you've been to the zoo and you've noticed that the animal cannot stop marking its territory by doing a compulsive urination samba. Perhaps you've scoured the web looking for good red panda information. Perhaps this is the best you've found. [soosan]

2000apr13. Ebay: The Jeeves Solution Lifecycle Mousepad

2000apr13. Mail.

Just curious if you'll be updating your mailbag within the next decade. October was quite a while ago. May is nice. I realize your weblog is sexy, however I think several regular visitors to your site may spontaneously masturbate upon learning you've updated your mailbag. Let this be the top message and marvel at the amount of copulation that ensues. Your buddy,
-- Peace Frog

2000apr14. I heart Harry Stephen Keeler. The best, if possibly the most absurd, mystery writer on the face of the planet. [bovine]

2000apr14. You can watch Vegas landmarks implode here. It makes me kinda sad. [soosan]

2000apr16. In a cave, under the big waterfalls, you'll discover the strange power of this spring: Petrifaction. [soosan]

2000apr16. Ebay: Keeeeeerist. It's the Kissing The Pink "Naked" CD! I've only been looking for it for about fourteen years now. I stopped when someone made a dupe of it to sell ‒ I suppose I should keep looking to CASH IN.

2000apr17. Ebay: Here's that hog breeding crate I was talking about the other day.

2000apr17. Time to change your organ donor card.

2000apr18. Pretty Park is going around again, don't run it if you receive it. I got it via email from a friend (the virus mails itself) and ran it like the dope I am. Here's more information and removal instructions.

2000apr19. South Park's Matt Stone goes ga-ga for math.

2000apr19. > Some skate guy named Chad chats, or at least Chad is supposed to chat. It
> all starts off reasonably and then goes to hell when Chad seems to
> disappear. And this makes Chad's fellow chatters lose much-needed IQ
> points and resort to profanity. I call it "When chat goes Chad." [soosan]

2000apr19. Salmon Fisting! You will have to use your "brain" to figure out what is "going on" here, but I am sure after you read a few messages, you will "get" "it."

2000apr19. A tour of the Greenbrier fallout shelter designed exclusively for members of Congress.

2000apr20. "Also books. And those bags that get caught up in trees. Toys, tarps. Anything out of the ordinary, really. Oooh, lookee there, is that a puddle of standing water in that guy's pickup truck? We'll have to remove that. The truck, I mean. Oh, just go away."

2000apr21. SooOOOoooo... here's a funny kind of question. I always like posing questions to the people who read this weblog because they are the best people in the entire whole universe (twisting arm). This is for PC people currently under the Windows regime. How are you (you) keeping track of everything? By that I mean, all of it. You've got an idea ‒ where do you write it? You've got an appointment ‒ how do you file it? Your phone numbers? Books to read, movies to see, your hopes and dreams and journals and enemies list? I'm especially interested how this all fits in with your mail program (even if it doesn't). Just click on that "contact" word up there in the upper left of your television screen and let me know.

2000apr22. Something we've known for years, but here's the cut and dry on how the USPS makes cash by selling your address to junk mailers. Glad I forgot to fill out a change-of-address card for my last two moves...

2000apr22. Move over Wagner, here come The Peeps

2000apr23. Pixbarn.

Slapped-together clip art, another graduate of the "I can't draw extremities" art school. Also noted for bizarre black-line-art head and red-line-art body. This item was purchased April of 2000. They have other products, we're all keeping one black-line-art eye out for 'em.

2000apr24. An online chat with the Wright Brothers. Surreal. "How do you know all this information,since the real Wright brothers are dead?"

2000apr24. Eurocrap.

2000apr24. Coney Island ‒ Dreamland. Long document, good for reading at WORK

2000apr24. [Cardhouse] Everyone get on board for the Pleasure-Railroad! Woo woo! WoooooOOOO! Also "woo."

2000apr25. No one is sending email about the Pleasure-Railroad. I WANT INSTANT RESULTS

2000apr25. It is a little known fact that I am a master of Kung Fu. [bovine]

2000apr25. Coney Island History Articles. Many long articles. Good for reading AT WORK. Wait, I said that already. This is the same website, but it's a list of all of the articles. You probably could haven't gotten there yourself. You needed my services to reach this page. You're worthless and weak.

2000apr25. Amusement Ride Accident Reports and News [via todd]

2000apr26. Don't Believe It Or Do. Thought provoking, timeless. Swiss chard.

2000apr26. "Wacky" posters you can use as a desktops or print out AT YOUR JOB and post AT YOUR job with practically no fear of losing YOUR JOB

2000apr26. Mr. Pants has banana info. Learn how to fight cancer with delicious, cancer-fighting bananas.

2000apr27. Sims game creator introduces virus-laden Guinea Pigs into game [via steven]

2000apr27. Flanning victim shows no remorse [via iain]

2000apr27. Few websites actually make me dizzy and disoriented. This one does. [soosan]

2000apr27. "Okay, if that's the way you want to play it ... we're just going to sit here until we find out who took my grading book and bullets! How about them apples?" The class remained silent.]

2000apr27. Story Minute: "Fish Bowl"

2000apr28. Beer goggles statistically proven

2000apr28. I had a bad nightmare just now. I was walking in the middle of the street and it became really windy all of sudden. I started walking with the wind, and then the wind started pushing an RV down the street so I thought I'd be "Mr. Nice Guy" and jump in the RV and stop it but the brakes were barely working and I ended up stopping at the edge of a cliff. So I turned the RV sideways, got out, and the wind took it over the side.

I hope that RV owner never figures out it was me.

While I was sitting here, recovering, I thought I'd follow up on the Pulitizer-prize winning two-part donut domain article 1 2. A lot of the donut domains are now dead, but at least Best Donut Man is still kickin' out the 14-inch mega-donuts. He never sent me a sample donut, though. Amy Joy Donuts still has the out-of-focus drawing of Amy but now has tons of ads ("take her breath away at sweetlobster.com"?). E-donut.com? Dead. Donutman.com? Dead ‒ totally destroys the running joke. I've learned my lesson there, I'll tell you what. Dunkindonuts.org wisely sold their domain to Dunkin Donuts, Donuts Inn still has excellent donut pictures scattered around their site.

If you would like to send a picture of donuts to be posted on Cardhouse, that would not be a bad thing. And/or sushi boats.

2000apr28. "Oh, you'll sing all right, you little shits, and you'll keep singing until I find my gradebook and bullets, eh!" The class remained silent.

2000apr28. New Journal of Ride Theory out (MUST SEE cover), it's only $3, buy buy buy!

2000apr28. Old Man Murray rates the computer shoot-em-ups scientifically using the time it takes to get to the crates. [via nelo]

2000apr29. Canadians preparing to invade United States

2000apr29. Massive earthquake shifts Detroit ‒ rolls right over Bay City, resting at, ummm, what is that, Selkirk? Yes, poor Selkirk. [via Britain]

2000apr30. Pixbarn.

Pizzicato Five car ad, Mono magazine, September 1996.


May 2000.

2000may01. Beward the Irish! [via deuce]

2000may01. Ebay: You sure are.

2000may01. You've always wanted to throw a brick at Don Henley's head, haven't you? Well, Deuce is going to try to do the next best thing.

2000may02. This is a long shot, but here goes: if you are using a cable modem on gtei.net and are running a web spider that is supposed to be trolling Cardhouse for who only knows what, be advised that:

1) Your algorithm sucks hard ‒ you've consistently generated about 30 404's every time you visit, and some of these URLs are obviously half-formed from other sites
2) You can stop now

2000may03. The Onion: American People To Live Happily Ever After

2000may03. It's FEBO! Broodje mit kass!

2000may03. Does anyone know if John Strohm (of Blake Babies/Antenna fame) is related to John Strohm (the guy who edited the "Ford Almanac for Ranch and Home" in the 50s and 60s)? I'm curious. You can contact me through this page. [soosan]

2000may04. [Cardhouse] I have designed things. Here are some of the things.

2000may04. Just another photon push-pull radiation detector for use in chromaticaly selective cat flap control and 1,000 megaton, earth-orbital, peace-keeping bomb patent. See also Patently Absurd! [via jez]

2000may04. Mail.

Do you still play truck soccer games? Are they open to the public? If so I would like to know about upcoming games (location dates etc.) I will be taking a post grauduation cross country extravaganza in mid August and would like to participate.
-- phil.

I don't think they're playing them anymore. It's very sad.

2000may04. Mail.

Hey, tough guy, the "Axis" logo on your funny little design page, did you squeeze that out for the Axis resturant in Seattle? (Belltown, 2200 block of 1st) It looks familier, but I haven't been by there for a little while. If so, um, great. Really super great. If not, well, you should have. I really like your website.

It probably looks familiar because invariably when someone makes a logo for the word "Axis" it looks every other logo for the word "Axis." Mine is no different, client-specified, for Axis Comics. Half of the invoice was paid. I don't expect to see the other half since that was, oh, eight years ago.

2000may05. I found him again. "Life without Jesus is like a donut." Now I really like donuts.

2000may07. Team Busch (the vacuum pumps, not the beer) is attempting to go round the world in 80 days. In a car, just like Phineas Fogg! It's Day 6 right now! Join in on the fun! Collect them all!

2000may07. Here's another famous Phineas, but this Phineas was real! Totally extreme Phineas! T Gage!

2000may08. Here's the Gnome Liberation Front. (You may need to use your high-school French.) [soosan]

2000may08. Let's play a game. Think back to when you were a child (if you are a child now, you're not supposed to be reading this and you are naughty! go porn-surf). Do you remember, and have a fondness for, certain books that you read or your parents read to you? You got that feeling deep inside you, warm and cuddly? Okay, hold that, now imagine you're growing up now (hey, porn-surfing kids! come back!). Let's take a look at what the child of today (I call him or her "The Child Of Now" or "Today's Child" or "Fred") will be feeling all warm and fuzzy about in our corporate-sponsored future.

Exhibit "A" ( Objeto expuesto "A") ( Exhibit "A2")
Exhibit "B"
Exhibit "C"
Exhibit "D"
Exhibit "E"
Exhibit "F"
Exhibit "G"

Destroy all advertising aimed at children. Oh heck, just get rid of the whole damned amoral advertising industry. I'm counting on you.

2000may09. "Git me my shotgun, maw, I'm gonna bag me a BILLBOARD" If you want to know what type of charming bullshit advertisers will be subjecting us to in the future, look to Silicon Valley now. This sign is almost flush up against 101. Distracting? No, no, not at all.

2000may09. [Cardhouse] All About section updated with 16 or so new All Abouts. This is the end of the All About section. Thank you.

2000may09. Information I am currently seeking.

(1) The entire ice cream song. There are words in addition to the "you scream, I scream, we all scream" nonsense.
(2) Any information on the television bumpers that aired in the early 70's called "Snippets." Master Apple, Seurat knew a lot about dots, etc, etc.

2000may09. Mail.

About the Pleasure Railroad car: It might have worked, actually. There appears to be a lever linkage and a set of springs to control the angle of the wings, allowing them to act as spoilers on the way down and then pop into glide mode when the car left the track. Or maybe I'm misreading the drawing.

Among the many things I am not, "airplane engineer" appears near the top of the list. I'm going to hold my tongue on this one until I can get someone with practical experience to evaluate the drawings and mind of Mr. Aitken.

2000may10. I ended up watching a random two minutes here and there of "The Smartest Kid In America," apparently an adjunct of "Who Wants To Answer Reprobate Questions Posed By Intellectual Giant Regis Philbin." Hosted by Dick "I'm Still Not Dead Nor Doddering" Clark, this show had the type of questions that should be asked on "Who Wants To Dramatically Pause For Ten Minutes." Here's a transcript of my favorite q-n-a exchange:

What conic section is described by the equation "x squared plus y squared equals one"?

Okay, first off, these are kids. KIDS, DAMMIT! You learn this stuff in high school. Unlike "Who Wants To Be Subjected To Harsh Dynamic Lighting Reminiscent Of A Prison Break," the kids are offered no multiple choice answers, but if they had had, the multiple choice answers would have been "circle," "ellipse," and "hyperbola," because these are the ONLY conic sections, and then they would have filled in the fourth one with a gimme, which, oh, let's say would have been "pancakes" (I like pancakes). You probably knew this already, but I'm just making sure everyone is up to speed.

So the kid paused (dramatically), and answered:

Ummm, 'Section One'?

Now, FLASHBACK! (FLASHBACK!) You're me (you sorry bastard), in 10th grade, "learning" advanced algebra trigonometry. You're one of several class clowns, probably number three or four on the list, but you're hoping with a few well-placed wisecracks and the heinous drop-out rate, one day you'll advance to number one. The Number One Class Clown is sitting to the immediate left of you, sleeping. The teacher has just finished putting up a complicated proof (god, I hated those fucking proofs) of some esoteric trig function, and he's looking to call on someone. He "shouts out" to #1 C.C.: "Mike! MIKE! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!" Mike shoots straight up, sort of figures out where he is, and says, "ummm, three?"

"That's RIGHT! THE ANSWER IS THREE!"

I figured he had that number one position locked for the rest of the year after that.

But that's not what I'm getting at (I'm getting at something?). Because of this (and many other things), I believe in the power of a bullshit, off-the-cuff answer when there's nothing to lose. And "Section One" kid is about as brazen as one can get ‒ you're speaking to DICK CLARK in front of an audience of MILLIONS on TV, and you're bluffing, crossing your fingers that you accidentally stumble onto the correct answer and win THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS instead of FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS and you're crowned THE SMARTEST KID IN AMERICA and maybe then you won't be beaten up in school tomorrow or maybe you will because of it.

The kid came in third place.

I think they should have just given him the title right after that answer.

2000may10. Mail.

You have no idea who the hell I am, but I just wanted to tell you that a few years ago, I sporadically worshipped the X. (British distribution was pretty spotty.) Possibly the second finest zine ever, not counting the ones I used to produce. Respect. ‒ James W
(working for a dot-com kill me now)

Always grand to hear from ex-X readers, especially the ones who somehow snagged our magazine overseas. I got a call once from someone in Australia at 3am who was reading the magazine and had forgotten about the time zone, but it certainly made my day. Good to hear from you sir, and thanks for dropping a line!

2000may10. Andria has emailed us the Ice Cream Song. Someone else has found it on the web:

The lyrics to the ice cream song are at:
http://stores.yahoo.com/sendicecream/iscreamyousc.html

My web page is at http://www.csun.edu/~lg42537

My favorite food is lasagna, and I really like victorian toffee.

Horses are pretty.

2000may11. Okay, I'm in the process of downloading this program, but it sounds absolutely dreamy ‒ finally, a piece of software that allows me to PREVIEW email messgaes BEFORE downloading them ... I will DEFEAT all of my SPAM enemies and FRIENDS WHO SEND ME TWELVE CAT PICTURES IN ONE BIG CHUNK WHEN I'M EXPECTING A JOB OFFER VIA EMAIL AND THE CAT CHUNK COMES FIRST AND I'M SCREAMING AHHH AHHH like that.

Unless it has ads. I haven't figured that out. If it has ads, I'll be very sad. Very sad indeed!

2000may11. NoooooooOOOOOO!!! It's got ADS!!! SON OF A BITCH! I hate computers! I HATE THEM! Surely there must be another AD FREE version somewhere! I can't TAKE THIS anymore! I ... I ... I want to be a BAKER! Bakers don't use computers, do they? DO THEY? I can make cakes and pies, from mother-scratching scratch! I mean, I could. I mean, maybe I'd just go to baking school and eat the lumps of dough everyone starts out with when they're supposed to make some pastries or something.

2000may11. Everyone enjoys California Asshole DMV stories

2000may15. HTML version of Asteroids

2000may15. www.idonline.com. This is the online version of I.D. magazine ("The International Design Magazine"). I jumped on the net, pumped up with incredible enthusiasm about this month's print version, but I remain somewhat in shock after quickly glancing at their paltry offerings online (and what gives with the horrid domain name?). Anyway, it seems as though I.D. is angling their publication more toward the general public, at least with this issue ‒ definitely go and pick this month's ("May") up -- lots of interesting smaller design bits and things that have been riling me up lately:

electronic billboards
book designer irma boom
"smart kitchen" gadgets that prepare your food then have sex with you or each other
game show set design
pantone profile by tom vanderbilt
beds on planes
samsonite's travel clothing
mechanical speed/stride-enhancing footwear (a must see! OSCARS for BIONIC BOOT!)
live motion
and more!

2000may15. Old news on the Bionic Boot (no pix); also crappy picture of Bionic Boots in action (boot contraption apparently extends to the knee)

2000may15. Please Pass The Science updated!!!!

2000may16. Slashdot thread on moving domains away from Network Solutions thank god [via jon]

2000may16. [Cardhouse] "Gimme" want list page updated

2000may16. Shoutin' out to KANSAS CITY!!!! WOOT!!!! (?)

2000may17. Mail.

Hello..
I was at a garage sale today, skimming through a box of old 45's, and found a record with the title "Hartz Mountain Canary Training Record.." Recalling seeing something similar on your Gimme List yesterday, I grabbed it and paid the pipe smoking guy running the sale. I went home.

Not two steps out of his driveway, I pulled the record from the sleeve, to see what condition it was in.. The record was free of scratches and nicks, which is all fine and ducky, but it wasn't the canary training record. Instead, I found an "Atari Space Raiders Read Along Record."

("When you hear the tone, turn the page..")

I brought it back to the pipe smoking man, and asked if I could look for the correct 45 in his bin...

"All sales are final. No refunds."

I told him I didn't *want* a refund, just the right record for the righ sleeve.

"All sales are final. No refunds."

*grr* So, to make this now very long story short.. I have a sleeve, but no 45 to go along with it. If it's of any use to you, you're welcome to it..

The sleeve itself is in sorta good condition.. It's a little yellowed, and the flap on the back is torn.. But all the main graphics and text are inact and legible. (I can send you scans..)

Thanks,

-- Mike

I hate those Garage Sale Asshole experiences. Suburban Control Freaks from the '50s, usually, eking out their last bit of perceived power before their timely death. It's bizarre, really. I tend to think of a garage sale as inherently buyer-friendly. I think I run into more weirdoes than average because I sometimes have a nutjob question, like just buying a nicely-designed box instead of overpriced item inside. For these people, a simple "no" will not suffice ‒ they have to harrangue, as well. At one sale I went to and tried the box trick on a stapler, the entire contents of the sale had been left out in the rain for at least a day ‒ everything was rusted and ruined. But dammit, she was going to hold onto that cardboard box, yessir, wouldn't sell it for a buck.

2000may17. Mail.

hey, what do you think is a good name for a porn site? a funny one perhaps?

All porn is funny.

2000may18. The Mojave Phone Booth has been removed. As in, it's on permanent loan with the feds.

2000may18. Going out to eat in NYC? Check here first to find out what kind of vermin they've got at your restaurant of choice. Also works as an appetite suppressant. [soosan]

2000may18. Another concept that makes me dizzy. [soosan]

2000may18. Wouldn't you rather blend in with nature instead of traffic? Mud makes the perfect camouflage. And the 4Runner, with a powerful V6 engine and the highest ground clearance in its class, is the ideal way to cover yourself in it. ADVENTURE. EVERY DAY. TOYOTA

National Geographic back cover advertisement March 2000

2000may18. Tread luxuriously. Tread lightly and luxuriously in Lincoln Navigator, the world's most powerful full-size luxury SUV. Tread spaciously, too. Navigator has room for seven in three rows of leather-trimmed seats. Lincoln Navigator. American Luxury.

New Yorker back inside cover advertisement May 22 2000

2000may19. "Fear the amazing power of: SUCTION LASS!" (from tieboy) [lore]

2000may19. Unfortunately, Shaun J Fairlee did not become Portland's new mayor. [via tom who is currently IN THE ZONE]

2000may19. Mail.

I am looking for a japanese gum called felix. Do you know where I can get a hold of any?

Oooh, jeez, Felix! No. Is that related to the cat? I'll keep an eye out for you. .. you're interested in it for the gum itself? Like one pack? Or multiples? Do you live near a big city?

I am looking for it for the gum yes. I live in a small city in new york. I want to purchase a case of it, because it is so hard to find. I doubt you can get it here in the states. Thank you, fo your help

I have not been able to find the Felix. Perhaps our intrepid readers will come ... come to the rescue!

2000may20. NOT THAT YOU WOULD. BUT YOU COULD. Oh, the places you can now go and the things you can now achieve. That's because underneath the new 2001 Nissan Pathfinder's seductively sculpted sheet metal resides the most powerful SUV engine we've ever built. An exceptionally potent 3.5-liter, 240-hp powerplant, born from "one of America's 10 best engines." And reinvented to provide more horsepower for greater acceleration. More torque for enhanced towing and hauling capability. And even more refinement in the form of smoothness and quietness to improve every driving situation. So, while you may never storm Pikes Peak or own the passing lane in Munich, isn't it nice to know you could?

New Yorker two-page advertisement May 15 2000 pg40-41

2000may20. Kem playing cards. Just tripped over two sets (four decks) from 1934. Current decks very expensive. But so very ... KEM!

2000may22. Writer's Digest is hosting their own "National Zine Publishing Awards." How wonderful of them. Twenty-five dollar entry fee, which is some zine's full printing budget; and a whopping FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR grand prize, which is twenty other people's entry fees.

2000may23. Fun-e Fotos: two very clean planes. [257k; via jon]

2000may23. Dude, let's go to the Mojave Concrete Pad! I saw it on the NBC!

2000may23. Where I come from, you wouldn't name your college this. [soosan]

2000may24. The "Cher" is especially egregious. [soosan]

2000may24. A question. Is anyone out there using some sort of html generator program? I don't mean something that has you working with some What You See Is Almost What You Get GUI program like Dreamweaver, I'm talking about something that allows you to mark up text pages with pseudo-html and then it does all the dirty work of creating the html code.

2000may29. Tail Taggers 120? A inconclusive and sorely lacking list of the films of one "David Elliot."

2000may30. Mail.

I live in Tokyo & need instant mash potato(SMASH)is the best.Will swop stuff from Japan.Does anybody read this??cheers
-- Beezer

I replied in the affirmative. But what to swop?

You Wrote:Well...WE have got dried "natto" which is fermented soya beans. It really does stinks and very sticky but it's very good for you! Do you want to do one pack for one?? Thanks.
-- Beezer

But, I said, I can get natto here in the states. I wanted cool Japanese paper packaging. How to explain? Perhaps this swopping is fruitless.

OK! So you can get natto. If you are intersted in packaging I can keep all the wrappers. I did not realize you are in San Fran. not Coneticute. It's called "smash" instant mash potato. Peace.
-- Beezer

Our correspondence ended there. But I will always remember Mr. Smash.

2000may31. An article on the Simpsons which is just like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer is a food critic? Right? And he says, he says ...

2000may31. Federal Safety Yellow school crossing signs replaced by Federal Freak-Out Neon Yellow [via Wire Mommy]

2000may31. No Media Kings: An exploration of one writer's dance with the corporate devil.

2000may31. So which one's the exhibit? [via jon]

2000may31. Somebody broke into my car today and took about four dollars in change out of the ashtray. So I went and bought some ice cream. It cost three dollars and forty nine cents. At least they didn't break the window and miss the change and extra car keys lying around like last time. Not that I leave extra car keys in the car anymore. I mean, I don't. I like ice cream.


June 2000.

2000jun01. It's a big day here in the big city. It's the day the window-washing guys (tethered only by a frighteningly thin set of ropes) slide past our own 40th floor, causing near heart-attacks in startled workers who were sitting pleasantly at their desks, gazing out at the horizon, only to suddenly be face-to-face with window-washing guys where no sane person should be. [soosan]

2000jun02. "You know, it costs a LOT more to keep these people in hotel rooms. Can we just go back to the jail part? That was much better."

2000jun02. I am going to open up a can of WHOOP ASS (tm Jones Soda) on you! Also I will pee super yellow. Also on you! HA HA!!!! A funny "pee" joke!

2000jun04. Mail.

hoi brigitte / hello brigitte / eff een mailtje / hoor je ook de muziek / anders is het fout gegaan / nou ik hoop dat je examens goed gaan / veel liefs ‒ rosalie

hoi hoi! ik vinden heb je naar de verkeerd persoon. ik verrichten niet zijn ieder examen. en ik verrichten niet spreken nederlands.

veel liefs!

2000jun05. I was just wondering about WVHS. You remember, the high-grade analog video machine that was supposed to knock the legs out from under analog HDTV? It only cost around $5000 back in 1996 or so. The only time I saw one was at work ‒ it came in with Japanese-only instructions. The Vancouver International Film Festival is accepting entries in WVHS, so the format is "getting around." The resolution of WVHS was "almost" comparable to HDTV ‒ something like 1907x1009 (vs 1920x1034 for HDTV) -- but the interesting bit was that instead of recording one near-HDTV program you could also record three simultaneous VHS programs. So if that brand-new JVC WVHS deck is actually now priced at $250 (maybe they've just had one sitting around the shop for five years? floor model?) and you're a big video geek who doesn't mind the prohibitive cost of WVHS tapes (I believe it also takes VHS for those special moments when you know you won't have programming conflicts), this would be a good present for YOU! I wonder if it's compatible with TiVo, which cannot record two shows at the same time. I am guessing "no." Figure it out, geek.

2000jun05. Hired ghosts, witchcraft, blah blah blah. SSDD.

2000jun05. "With more and more advances in medical technology, it is crucial not to forget to inform younger patients of what can be perceived as 'scary medical equipment.'" [soosan]

2000jun05. Inexplicable object of the week: last supper clock.

2000jun05. An Entirely Other Day is back (it's back!)!

2000jun05. Pixbarn.

Inga ... ROXETTE! ... Inga. (alltifrån 1991)

Roxette är död! Lång bor Roxette!!!! [via cvb]

2000jun06. Kupperman: Sherlock Holmes and His Friends.

2000jun06. Mail.

hi there you .... this is just a personal note to let you know what a blast I had looking at your site..I was supposed to be researching Unilever for a college paper and through MARGARINE got linked to you (yeah I know I was wasting time but hey..I am ON VACATION) got a big charge out of the candy cigarette thing ... I "smoked" a million of those when I was a kid, and especially loved the ones that had that white powder under the paper wrapping. You can still find them at Baldinger's Foods of the World in Cranberry Township, PA. It is a mecca of hard to find candies and specialty foods (chocolate covered bees and crickets are a MUST). I saved your site and will be perusing it when I am again ALLOWED to get off the fast track. PS...Being so witty, I bet you are a cutiepie..got a picture?

I am, Misread and Ms Red

I am just a robot.

2000jun07. Shuttlecock Ratings: French Food You Suck On

2000jun07. Time-waster extraordinaire. [soosan]

2000jun07. Get excited, America! Everything on the internet will soon be under FBI jurisdiction! To save time, the internet will be renamed to "mailwire."

2000jun08. A Lesson In The Transitory Nature of The Web. I found what appears to be a very useful freeware software package. Twenty minutes after downloading all of the relevant programs, the site put up a password-protection scheme.

2000jun08. Extremely sad news. Ellery Chun, creator of the Aloha shirt, has died at the age of 91.

2000jun08. The hot new scene that meth-addicts are grooving to: check washing

2000jun08. Slap 'er Down Again, Paw (Arthur Godfrey)

2000jun09. Mail.

On your front page, the may 19 bsv entry points into outer space. Also, the forward arrow from mail/mailbag.htm points at mail00.htm, which isn't so tragic because there isn't a big teaser for mail00 on the front page, making me wonder, What does the "B" stand for? Backslash? Bang? B? Bracket?

For security, use Ctrl-G as your separator. The klaxon will warn you when someone's peeking at your files.

I like the bell ideer. But the "B" in BSV stood for "bar." I removed the page because it started a little holy war, and I'm already backed up on my email so far that [insert wacky metaphor here]. So away it goes for now. You didn't see anything. Move along.

I've also fixed the mail problem. The actual mail from the last five months will be up "shortly." Dr. Berk is patiently revising the auto-mail algorithm while I furiously attempt to "add value" to the program by changing my mind every twelve seconds. "It should have FINS!!!! GLEAMING EMAIL FINS!" He is the best Staff Chemist in the whole world, I said as I prepared another onslaught of "improvements."

2000jun09. If you just keep pushing bad legislation through, over and over and over again, shouldn't you just explode or something? Or do you just get to go in the Guinness Book of World Assholes?

2000jun09. Must-read Microsoft breakup account featuring shell-shocked, delusional, disbelieving cult employees ... "our leader... our leader... what? Lik'em Aid? Okay, I guess... (pause) bitter ... almondy taste..." [via Obscure Store]

2000jun09. Brunching: Microsoft: The Verdict. I watched this without sound and laughed, so I imagine those of you with speakers will also enjoy this flash 4 presentation.

2000jun09. Finally ... THE LOST EOD

2000jun09. "That iced tea just goes right through ya. Am I president yet?" Vote for Nader. NADER

2000jun09. More Microsoft Patented Crushing Action (digitaldivas.com vs Microsoft's new digitaldiva.com)

2000jun09. Mail. I had to something something /
had

Dearest Cardhouse:
jump in my car /
be a rider in the something something /
'Cause I was out of freaking stamps.

Yeah.

Cheers, J.

2000jun09. Mail.

are you sure that the dye contained in haw flakes is the safe one? check out this page on the FDA site which seems to indicate otherwise.
-- andy

That page chronicles the US detention of haw flakes (and slices) from a company named "Zibo Minyue Food Co., Ltd." The two companies that I have purchased haw flakes from (and are discussed on other pages) are named "Shan Zha Bing," and "Sunflower." Now, perhaps Zibo Minyue owns or is somehow responsible for the product for each or both of these companies. I don't know. More contact and background information about Zibo Minyue is available at this page (which is no longer up, of course), which will cause anyone familiar with the Tufte school of visualization to twitch uncontrollably.

But considering the content of the page, as difficult as that is to do, it appears that Zibo Minyue is a new company, whereas the haw flakes from Shan Zha Bing and Sunflower certainly look, from the packaging alone (this is Sunflower; if I remember correctly, Shan Zha Bing looks mysteriously the same minus said flower on the top of the package) as if they've been around forever. And hey, the package lists only two ingredients: haw, and sugar. As I mentioned in the article, the color is completely unappetizing ‒ it looks like some new company figured on eliminating this roadblock to increased sales but their zeal has defeated them! DEFEATED THEM I TELL YOU!

2000jun10. I just received word from the National Street Assocation: streets diagonal to cardinal directions have been DEPRECATED.

2000jun10. Ebay: "Most famous of Wally Gator scenes." Yes. Who could forget.

2000jun10. I like to click the donuts and match them to the plungers.

2000jun11. Kitten recently born. Kitten recently born. [via burford]

2000jun15. [ Cardhouse is still alive..] [scott]

2000jun15. Mail.

Update the damn deck o' junk before i come drop a little 'john shaft wisdom' on your dome!! ‒ wally

No.

2000jun15. What Not To Write On Your Security Clearance Form

2000jun15. Brilliant design on Annanova ‒ I have to scroll to see anything more than the news headline. Pass.

2000jun15. Review of Tape Op magazine; Tape Op website

2000jun15. [ "Don't you hate it when environmental legislation stops you from dumping dioxins in the nearest lake? Yeah, I do, too. Hey, do we have any Superfund site nominees here? Anyone? Love Canal? Don't even get me started!" audience roars] Also, please note that the site itself pretty much is the most obnoxious non-porn web site I've ever encountered. Pop-ups, numerous legal warnings everywhere, and, a special treat for you PC users (click the right button on any "comedian" link, quite possibly any link) LEGAL WARNING POP-UP!

2000jun15. Courtney love on the music business including the dirty, dirty figures (long, a must-read); The Trouble with Music, a similar, older piece by Steve Albini on a website with a delightful background. The piece might be on Negativland's site somewhere, but I can't find it.

2000jun15. Related: Shiny, Aluminum, Plastic, and Digital (Negativland)

2000jun15. I like eating those tiny candy bananas, because I am getting all of the nutritional value of regular bananas but in a pleasing candy form.

2000jun15. Wow, that's some collection of the world's worst products! [via Robotwisdom] Where have I seen that collection before? Where have I? Oh yeah, they've all appeared first in Beer Frame Magazine. The incredibly sad thing about this "World's Worst Products" page is that instead of just simply plagiarizing the articles whole, the "author" has successfully beaten down well-written, entertaining columns into a half-recognizable sound bite mash (say, 40% copied, 60% mash) with no credit listed. The current online adjunct to Beer Frame deals with Y2k-incompatible Life Savers and two mysteriously similar brands of Colgate.

2000jun16. What is this, some kind of sick joke? This is so twisted on so many levels it HURTS MAH BRAIN

2000jun16. I mentioned this web ad blocking technique site awhile ago ‒ but I was never able to get it working with my browser (pc netscape 4.0.8). The standard 127.0.0.1 loopback mentioned on the site doesn't work its magic on my dial-up machine. Today I accidentally stumbled across an ip address that works (without the additional local proxy list, apparently), and also found out why, somewhat. Just replace 127.0.0.1 with 254.0.0.0. This address will work with dialup pc netscape 4.0.8, and both pc/mac netscape communicator 4.7. There's apparently no need to add the local proxy list mentioned farther down the page. Getting this to work is incredibly easy - you cut, you paste, do a global replace, you're done ‒ and suddenly, no more slow-loading, flashing, annoying ads! 90% of the ads ‒ gone! It will take five minutes, I say!

Oh! Here's the reason 254.0.0.0 works... found this on a Cisco site.

"The range 224.0.0.0 through 255.255.255.254 is reserved for experimental use (IP address classes D and E), and 255.255.255.255 is the universal broadcast address."

So that will work for awhile, that's for sure. No software, just one text file. Very nice.

2000jun16. While we're talking about removing ads, here's a way to eliminate the advertising pumped through the sub-par Odigo messaging system, if you're using it for some reason. First, let's block those Odigo sites. You'll need to edit your hosts file again. Add three new entries:

254.0.0.0 www.odigo.com
254.0.0.0 odigo.com
254.0.0.0 ads.odigo.com

This way, your Odigo software can't go out and get new ads. If you've been using Odigo at all, you've built up an ad cache ‒ let's get rid of it. Go to your Odigo ad cache folder, which is probably in Program Files\Odigo\adcache. Delete everything there. They're just ads.

Now you can run that graphically-pretty-but-still-a-user's-nightmare Odigo without those darn ads. I didn't test this fully, but I was not subjected to ads for a five-minute period, and was able to chat with some random person about absolutely nothing.

2000jun16. Proposal For Copyright Reform

2000jun19. Jesus is getting desperate. [via tecopa jane]

2000jun19. Inexplicable Object Of The Week, with an important lesson for eight-track tape owners.

2000jun20. Long-awaited sequel: Snake 'n' Bacon Meet Robot Grampa

2000jun20. There's this guy I know, right? So he registered a domain, just this made up concept that got stuck in his craw a few years ago. Well, turns out it was a registered trademark! Hahaha! What a goof! He could have saved himself a lot of time if he had checked out the U.S. Trademark Electronic Search System! Now he checks "TESS" every fifteen seconds. Because of his "pro-active" vigilance, there's precious little chance that he'll find himself in front of a judge staring down a fine of $1,000 to $100,000 for "cybersquatting." Thumbs up to Mr. Goof!

2000jun20. Mail.

My name is Naomi J., and I found your site via Etour.com. I am also the biggest Led Zeppelin fan in the Midwest, and oddly enough, also used to sing along with Gordon Lightfoot. Guess what? Your The Stairway of the Edmund Fitzgerald is, without a doubt, the funniest thing I've read in decades. For a Zep fan, it's delicious. For a Zep fan who remembers the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, it's hysterical. For me? The biggest belly laugh in years! Good show, jolly good show! ‒ Naomi J.

2000jun20. Mail.

Hi there,
I came across your site, which is fabulous! I'm a researcher working on the second series of Treasure, which is Channel Four's late night look at weird and wonderful collections, and your collection definitely falls into that category (I hope you consider that a compliment, as it is intended) Would it be possible for you to give me a call so that I can find out more about your interest and I can tell you about Treasure. I am really looking for people based in the UK. Are you or do you know of anyone with a similar collection who is?
Kind Regards ‒ Margaret M.

Do what now?

2000jun21. Shit, why don't we just re-open Manzanar for all of these crazy foreign college kids? That way, we're totally safe. And I know the American people want that. Safety.

2000jun22. Hey sodium fans! Are you "jonesing" for your favorite element? Well, search no more! Here are the results of the poorly-promoted Sodium Contest, in which contestants were asked to find food products with the highest sodium content per serving and the highest total sodium content. I am awarding "Best of Show" to Temple Brand Salted Black Beans, for just about tripling the sodium content of the first runner-up and also your recommended maximum "Daily Value" of sodium (2400mg). I cracked open a can of this stuff, and the salt molecules actually reached up and started strangling me. Totally bizarre. I also found a recipe on the web that calls for salted black beans and a "bit of salt," presumably to get you up to that cherished 300% mark.

As far as total sodium content is concerned, it's HAM! HAM! HAM! But I think we all knew that.

serving   %pdv    total

6950mg 289% 6950mg Temple Brand Salted Black Beans 130g (Philippines) 2380mg 99% 2380mg Boston Market's Orignal Chicken Pot Pie 2310mg 96% 2310mg Hardee's Big Country Sausage 1760mg 73% 1760mg Trader Joe's Shrimp & Surimi Sushi Rice Bowl 1520mg 63% 1520mg Trader Joe's Middle East Feast 1510mg 63% 3020mg Libby's Corned Beef Hash (16 oz can) 1400mg 58% 1400mg Smack Cup Ramen (Spicy Chicken flavor) 1030mg 43%

27810mg Armour Premium Canned Ham (5 lbs) 920mg 38% 9200mg Kikkoman Soy Sauce 900mg 37% 5400mg Hillshire Farms Cheddar Wurst Smoked Sausage with Wisconsin Cheddar Cheese 700mg 29% 17500mg Westbrae Natural Soy Sauce 570mg 24% 3420mg Kraft EASY MAC Macaroni "Macaroni & Cheese Dinner: Microwavable Single Servings." 153mg 6% 10215mg Marmite

special thanks to novarese, tecopa jane, and david c.

2000jun22. "Maybe they won't have a Muslim doing the slaughtering, or maybe they're playing an audiotape of the blessing as the chickens go down the chute,"

2000jun23. Cintra. Central Park.

2000jun23. Fisher-Price Little People Stewardess Clown figurine. Stewardess clown, stewardess clown, stewardess clown. [via misterpants]

2000jun24. Why does this guy look like someone's drunk dad vacationing in Florida?

2000jun26. Your inexpensive robot alternative! [soosan]

2000jun27. I found this because this page found one of my pages. But some of these pages this person found are "404/Not Found."

2000jun27. Stay Free: New York's Great Outdoors ‒ a mapual guide to the NYC advertising jungle

2000jun27. Mail.

sa vedem cum merge?????????????????

hatlar? alsana guga ... bega.

2000jun28. I haven't acquainted myself with the heavily-advertised set of 50 "state" quarters released this year. Every time I run across a new one, my brain momentarily becomes feverish with the notion that I'm in a FOREIGN COUNTRY.

2000jun29. Mail.

[A reader corrects an earlier statement] Actually there are not 50 state quarters released this year. Starting in 1999, 5 quarters each will be released every year for 10 years ending in 2008. The quarters are released in the order that the states joined the union. Therefore, it won't be until sometime next year that we even finish recieving the 13 original states in quarter form...

bryan

It is an exciting time to be a quarter, that's for sure!

2000jun29. Mail.

what is the point of this? or is that the point

We apologize for the delay. Our "half-click" e-commerce section will be up shortly, allowing users to totally immerse themselves in a tri-D pro-rainforest shopping environment, while our pro-active hosts Michael Jordan and "Shaq" will spritz designer fragrances on your various consumer orders. Compassion, Commitment, Community, Cobranding, Contracted Out To Indonesia. Cardhouse.

2000jun30. GPS Stash Hunt. Free shit, buried in the ground, with the GPS coordinates given. A cakewalk, my friends. I'm going to CLEAN UP

2000jun30. Mail.

I JUST GOT A NEW CAT (FEMALE) AND I CAN'T THINK OF A NAME! what are some good names for a cat? huh? huh!

Captain Shitter, Eight Ball Deluxe, The Cat, Winstun, My First Cat, Snugglesdroid, An Inevitable Compact, Jet-Set Darling, Pants, McGyver, 721, Ting Ting Jahe, Flashlight Song, Shiloh, Cardhouse, Snot, Bang Drop It, Super Baby Smotherer (cape not included), Meow Mix '88, High Noon, Camule, Taterboy (this is even though it's a girl), Glendale California, Dammit, My Cat Is A Fucking Star, 981495, Did You Hear The One About The Cat That Never Came When You Called It So Why The Hell Name It?, Plastikat, Mr. Sheds, Old Shit-N-Sleep.


July 2000.

2000jul02. Me and the crew were hitting up all the super-fly garage sales this morning. Some old guy up in the hills decided to bail on his 60-year accumulation of electronic noodlings, and the crew found a real purty RCA tube package. Who cares about the tube? One dollar for the whole schmeer. So we ask the lady (maybe the old guy's daughter?) how much for just the package? And she can't stop laughing about this. Meanwhile, her kid is telling her to give it to us for free. Then her husband (?) comes grumbling up and says "one dollar"; after we politely said "no thank you" and started walking away the hubby says to his wife nice and loud "I ain't dicking around with any coins." This is at a garage sale, mind you. And the kid looks at him like he's from outer space.

2000jul03. "Screw TrustE, we need liquidity! Sell those users down the river!" "What?"

2000jul03. Mail.

Hi this is Kirt Webster of Webster & Associates Public Relations in Nashville, Tennessee. I represent a musical humorist, formerly on MCA and Curb Records, named Kacey Jones. Her new album "Every Man I Loved Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead" will be released in late August and I was wondering if you would be interested in hearing, reviewing, or playing the record.

Actually, I just finished repeatedly stabbing myself in the eyeball with a pair of scissors, so I'm not sure what else I'd rather do at this point.

2000jul04. Background on San Francisco "BMOrg" cult

2000jul04. I love signs. I love The Inexplicable Object of the Week. So, umm, 2X LUV!!!!!11!!!!1

2000jul04. Hello, Commerce!

2000jul05. Exclusive Pepsi/school deal stalled: "I don't think it has anything to do with values," said board member Karen Young. "I think it has to do with common sense and good business sense." Thank you for your refreshing honesty, Karen. NOW LET'S GET BACK TO SELLING OUT THE CHILDRENS

2000jul05. This was tacked onto the end of a piece of spam I received the other day, like an out-of-control mail signature. Is this supposed to impress the target audience, or cause massive revulsion?

Thus, relational information adds overwhelming Folkloristic significance to our hedonic Folklife perspective over a given time period. Note that a subset of English sentences interesting on quite independent grounds presents extremely interesting challenges to the overall negative profitability. In theory, the characterization of specific criteria is holistically compounded, in the context of the anticipated fourth-generation equipment. In particular, the appearance of parasitic gaps in domains relatively inaccessible to ordinary extraction necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to problems of phonemic and morphological analysis. To characterize a linguistic level L, the product assurance architecture requires considerable performance analysis and computer studies to arrive at a general convention regarding the forms of the grammar. I suggested that these results would follow from the assumption that the descriptive power of the base component suffices to account for the management-by- contention principle.

2000jul06. Might as well give up now: "This map is not drawn to scale...but it's fun to use!" [soosan]

2000jul06. Five days in jail for possessing fireworks if you live in Sacramento. Five. Days.

2000jul06. Sacramento Stolen Chimp Head Used As "Fireworks Mule"

2000jul07. Ebay: "I swears I wouldn't try to cheat on you, Johnny, everyone knows you run a swell joint, I ain't got nothing against you, Johnny ... " "What gives with the load, then, Bax boy?" "Awwww, Johnny, I --" [FX: motions toward belt] "DROP IT, BAXTON!" [SFX: shots ring out] "Awww geez, arggh, ya plugged me, ya plugged me good there, Johnny, I'm dyin'... I'm dyin'... also: I'm dyin'..."

2000jul07. The first thing I'm a gonna do when I get rich is I'm going to buy one of these things, and then I'm going park some more SUVs inside it, then I'm going to drive the whole motley crew off a cliff, landing on more SUVs. Then even more SUVs will be dropped on top of it with a helicopter. Then I will no longer be rich.

2000jul07. Privacy: SmartDownload spying on users

2000jul07. Mail.

Meow...Looking through the candy smokes/stix thing, and happened to notice the 'Kings' brand ...they actually look like Pall Malls, what my father used to smoke when I was a kid. I don't remember the white chevron, but the crown at the bottom was definitely there...

2000jul08. Mail.

I enjoyed your site. Your comments made me laugh out loud. Thank you for the laughter. Is has been long. So very long.

2000jul09. About a month ago I met a gentleman (let's call him "D.S.") who has a five-point plan when it comes to women. The five requirements are:

fun, intelligent, attractive, career-oriented, and has a social conscience.

When prodded, it turns out that it is also required that the woman live in Manhattan, but this, apparently, falls under "fun."

I am very curious about D.S. and his five-point plan. (Which technically, of course, isn't a "plan," but whatever...he doesn't say he has to be intelligent.)

I saw D.S. again on Friday. I asked him how his five-point plan was coming. Turns out he likes to talk about his five-point plan, but it spooks him a little that someone else is intrigued. I guess "has a good memory" isn't part of the plan. [soosan]

2000jul09. I think I just made everything blue. I guess that's why I fail the five-point plan! [soosan]

2000jul09. Don't fret, Soosan. Knowledge of Perl scripts and custom weblog software is not necessarily part of the five-point plan. [scott]

2000jul10. Mail.

[name of site + geoshitties url deleted]
Off-beat and savvy humour ‒ original animation, cartoons and more -- updated weekly! Includes The Gallery for Grown-ups ‒ adults only! Something to offend virtually everyone! If you have any sensibilities at all, then please, spare yourself. How about throwing me a link??

I am sparing myself.

2000jul11. Mail.

am interested in buying some of your clip art. What sort of flavors does it come in , anyway? I am in great need of some mirth. Please send me a list, or descriptions, prices,etc. ‒ however it is that y'all do business up there.

2000jul12. I can't wait to see his picture featured in their next boffo marketing campaign! [soosan]

2000jul12. Mail.

Awesome site
Oh my god
i never laughed so hard in my entire life. That was a true statement not a hyperbole.

2000jul19. Mail.

Your site SUCKS!!!!!!!!

2000jul20. Mail.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY THATS IT THAT IS ALL YOU GET

2000jul27. Commercial Casino, Elko; Nevada Hotel, Ely.

Casino win/loss: $-2.60.
Total win/loss: $-83.45.

I don't remember much about the Commercial Casino. I lost some money there. I am now, for the most part, only playing one slot machine once per casino. Walk in, drop seventy-five cents, pull, leave. But Elko, what a town! The grooviest neon street signs! Low-cost, comfortable motel (Centre Motel)! A truck filled with bored rams, each possessing TWO GIGANTIC FURRY TESTICLES THAT COMBINED, ALMOST APPEARED TO BE A FIFTH LEG! Wow!

The Nevada Hotel hotel (in Ely) is a great place to stay for the night. But I would not recommend the restaurant (the wait time is atrocious, day or night). Also it has a very small casino. But still, two thumbs way up for the cheap and comfy/stlish accomodations.

2000jul30. Back from month-long vacation. Can't access email account. THERE'S A SURPRISE. Yes, in the future you will have refrigerators taking food orders directly from your stomach, but you won't be able to read your eMail.

2000jul30. Swan in love.

2000jul31. I was hoping that when we returned from our vacation we would get some more information on the whereabouts of this trucker -- we saw a flyer posted in a Minnesota rest area ‒ but there's nothing new posted.

2000jul31. More vacation hilarity. While cruising the local radio dial in the Wisconsin/Upper Michigan area, we ran across something called "The Shopping Show" on WJNR. Confused, then fascinated, we tuned in as loyal radio listeners called to get deep, deep discounts on merchandise (typically fast food or local events). On this web site (the radio station we listened to ‒ it seems like there are several of these things, do a google search for "The Shopping Show"), coupons are referred to as "tickets." The callers themselves each had an I.D. number so the host could record their amazing savings. Here now I present to you some typical conversations that took place on The Shopping Show (with your host, Jessie James).

Hello, do you have any more tickets for Tim's Pasties?
What's your number?
73920.
That is four dollars, a seven dollar value. Anything else?
Any tickets for KFC pot pie?
Those are all gone tonight.
Do you have any tickets for the Ho Dag?
No, I'm sorry.

Do you have anything for the Swedish Pancakes Mega Breakfast?
Sure doo! May I get your number?
3561.

Do you have any Doobie Brothers tickets?
I sure doo!
Okay, I'd like one. How much for the DQ ice cream sundae?
Ice cream sundae, 2.56 for 1.52.
Okay, how many tickets do you have?
Four.
I'll take all four, then.
What's your number?
2115617.

Utterly entrancing.

2000jul31. Two other random "get info off the web when you get home" failures:

The Hayward Pharmacy, in Royal Oak, Michigan, was closed approximately five years ago by the federal government, and I never really got the full story (selling drugs illegally? frame-up?). The place still has its inventory relatively intact. That's five years of sun bleaching for you, Mr. King Vitamin and Mrs. Coca-Cola. Web hits: 0.

We tried to hang in Lake Tahoe on a Saturday night ‒ big mistake ("how much for a room?" "one hundred and forty dollars" "and tomorrow, that room would cost..." "thirty-four dollars"). We were going to eat at Harvey's, and we recalled our friends at Bigrig mentioning the 1980 casino bombing. Web hits: 3 crappy fedgov sites, 1 suggestion to rent "Tales of the FBI" or something like that.

It's a conspiracy ... a conspiracy of silence (cue "A Current Affair" pyramid smacking music here).

2000jul31. Saturday night I won $125 on an Elvis-themed slot machine in Vegas. [soosan]

2000jul31. Mail.

sample magazine via letter
Mr Agus
85 Gedungsari Ave
Semarang 50127
Indonesia

freeloaders get bent

2000jul31. Mail.

I want you to be with me always, you make me feel alive. I'l never desert you as we we grow to trust each other's love.


August 2000.

2000aug01. My, that's a big fig leaf. [soosan]

2000aug01. This is a portrait of me, giving up on trying to find any more web-based information about Julian Opie's current (?) series as depicted on the cover of Modern Painters magazine. They're being shown at the Tate, but all they have are descriptions of each piece, no images.

2000aug01. A little bit more about the Julian Opie series is revealed via a tiny 72-dpi computer image from India. India? [scroll down a bit. Yes, you.]

2000aug01. Mr. Suicide bath plug. [via lo]

2000aug01. [Cardhouse] Casino standings updated

2000aug01. Mail.

Hi what is this place? i'm confused....checked the faq...that didn't help... ‒ Pernille

I think I'm going back to the print medium. No, I'm pretty sure of it.

2000aug02. "We are [ ... ] shlockmeisters," said Malrite President Dennis Barrie, when asked to comment on the proposed 70,000-square foot San Francisco Interactive History Museum.

2000aug02. Ebay: Congratulations. You have purchased the rights to the following theme camp idea.

Rave Camp

Your theme camp will consist of several large speaker arrays, two turntables, and a Honda generator. You will play relentless "techno" music twenty-four hours a day, even if you're not there. It sounds like this:

boom boom boom
boomboomboom
boom boom

Don't worry about the people camping near you ‒ they also enjoy the "techno" music, even when it seems like they're trying to sleep at five in the morning. Precious few people will actually attend your little "mini-rave" at any time, as they also have their own little systems going off somewhere else on the playa. Do not let this deter you. You are young and strong and immortal. [via bigrig]

Next week: The Cult of Volunteerism For Only Two Hundred Clams

2000aug03. What, we need more reasons not to go to 7-11?

2000aug03. Bringdown: Economic Ergonomics

2000aug03. "Jimmy, if you're going to play on Rocket No. 99 you should be very careful on that O. D. 14 ga. zinc grip steel becau ‒ oh JESUS! Are you okay?!??" Also: Radar Screen? (part of the Game Time Playground Catalog) [via the freshy-fresh gmtplus9]

2000aug03. Exceptional Jesus of the Week. [soosan]

2000aug03. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...it's...I've no idea. [soosan]

2000aug03. Odd Ogg.

2000aug03. Ebay: Ebay: Well, there go my ideers about ever owning one of these "Odd Ogg" chaps. Not a childhood nostalgia trip, mind you. I'd never seen it until today (courtesy lo).

2000aug04. Mr. Drummond.

2000aug04. Maakies: Extreme Drinking

2000aug04. "Hey, thank you, thank you, it's really great to be here ... and I really mean that when I say [wacky voice] it's really great to be here!!!" (laughter) "Oh NO! HAPPY FEET!!!!"

2000aug06. Swedish accordion stars of the 1960s. [soosan]

2000aug06. FIVE-POINT PLAN UPDATE.

Saw D.S. last night.

He told me that he'll be seeing a 3 on Tuesday. I asked him why only a 3. He says it's really hard to find someone who fulfills both the categories "fun" and "intelligent."

Later in the evening, D.S. admired my apparent ability to drink many drinks. He told me that meant I definitely qualified as "fun."

And I yelled, "Yes! I'm a One!" [soosan]

2000aug07. Is that a "3" as in just category #3 or someone who fufills three categories?

2000aug07. Candy cigarette companies in collusion with tobacco companies to produce candy cigarettes. [via fark This is something that everyone already knew, sort of. So I suppose now there will be a another huge-ass lawsuit, this time against the candy companies that are still around. Let's see. Hershey's, Swell, World, Necco, Ce De ... I just picked up a package of what used to be Swell's candy cigarette product in Canada ‒ on the side of the package it reads "stay in school! be cool! say no to drugs!" and then in really tiny type that no one else in the whole world could read it says "except nicotine, you rotten kids! smoke up!" I guess they forgot to take off that part when they switched the design. (more on candy cigarettes)

2000aug07. Delightful article about SUVs except for the part about lusting for one. I drive a Honda car product and am lusting for them to all suddenly explode.

2000aug07. As I understand it, a "3" fulfills three categories. A "1" (for example, me--I'm a "1") fulfills only one category. [soosan]

2000aug07. But since your only category was fun, and fun, in the list, is also the first category, that's where I was tripped up. Also, if your category-loving friend decided to somehow remember his categories (fun, intelligent, attractive, career-oriented, social conscience).via a abbreviation mnemonic (mnemonics is the study of mnems) and transposed the last two elements, that mnemonic would be FIASCCO. The defense rests.

2000aug07. Also I meant that all SUVs should explode, not all Honda products. Today is a day of misunderstanding

2000aug07. Hahahaha ... dwarves ... "shrimp basket" humps man's leg... hahhahaha DESTROY ALL ADVERTISING

2000aug08. Junkyard Wars. An imported British TV programme (originally named "Scrapheap Challenge") that pits two junkyard-foraging teams against each other and the clock. The episode I watched required these delightful chuffers to build a working cannon. It's available on the Discovery channel if you have "cable."

2000aug09. Why exactly is an FBI computer sitting on your ISP?

2000aug10. Ebay: You think for $350 maybe he'd pull the chair leg off it. [via deuce]

2000aug10. Follow-up to last week's Cringely article about Carnivore. The FBI will be reading all email sent at the 2002 Olympic Games in Utah.

2000aug10. new study imidcattes reding onscreen is harer

2000aug11. Outside university to be contracted to review Carnivore hardware/software. Oh, this is just grand. No, it'll be a static system, no chance of the FBI just uploading (A) a red herring program before the investigation and/or (B) the real program after the investigation ... christ, these are computers, not some FBI desk jockey reading postcards... (how incredibly naive of me to think that this small oversight is an accident on Reno's part)

2000aug11. A feel-good article about branding (not recommended for audience members susceptible to nausea or bullshit)

2000aug11. McSweeney's: New Riddles for Five-Ounce Dixie Cups.

2000aug12. News: This just in ... it's another happy sunshiney day report! Drugs are everywhere. Give me more drugs, please.

2000aug14. Word (Work): I used to joke about McDonald's shakes being made of certain advanced plastic polymers ... I don't think this is a coincidence.

2000aug15. Selling Out The Children, Part XVIII: Free computers if we can just force the children to look at our crummy ads all day!

2000aug15. Kupperman: Here Comes Madness

2000aug15. What To Name Your Baby [via Molly]

2000aug15. I was looking through that What To Name Your Baby list and I was sure they would have forgotten "Wad." But it's in there.

2000aug16. Ebay: A Zippo lighter with some "issues."

2000aug16. "I'll save money by letting the insurance company monitor me with a car GPS transponder!" Line up for your beatings. [via hoopla]

2000aug17. Penguin Pete ends up back where he started. What an asshole.

2000aug17. No more weddings, please. Thank you. [soosan]

2000aug17. Patented design incorporates complex principles of hydrodynamics found in nuclear submarines. [soosan]

2000aug17. Turtle learns to breathe out of its OWN ASS. There's a lesson here for all of us.

2000aug17. I am wearing a towel on my wet head and sighing like Audrey Hepburn. I suppose it would be charming if I wasn't a guy.

2000aug17. Gerald McRaney ("Simon and Simon," "Major Dad") has his own historical marker. [soosan]

2000aug18. An excerpt from "Spanky's Magic Baco-Bits" or some shit

2000aug18. The Straight Dope on Jackalopes. I was just in Douglas over vacation. We were passing through while we had a tetch of the ole' road sickness, so all I got was a picture of a big oil tank that said "Douglas: Home of the Jackalope." Secondly, Bigrig Industries once gave an hour-long slide presentation on the Jackalope (with an amusing digression into the very same "postcard lore" mentioned in the Straight Dope article) which was both highly entertaining and delightfully informative. Later I discovered that the host of the talk, a one Mr. Brody Culpepper, was in the midst of a bout of the flu. This is just one instance of the gut-wrenching determination of Bigrig Industries I have come to know and trust throughout the years.

2000aug18. "I *definitely* agree that we don't want to do anything that would amount to giving individual property owners a veto power over what happens in space above them." Who wants to stop government/private satellites from taking pictures of my backyard? No way! Next thing you know people would be wanting the cops to stop doing heat-sensing work from helicopters looking for marijuana growers! Christ!

2000aug21. I just heard a phone ring in an apartment across the driveway. But it didn't make a chirp or a "beep boop" or some other annoying electronic screech. It was a phone with one (or two) actual analog bells.

It's time for me to stop the booping and the beeping and get back to those delicious analog sounds. Back to the analog world. First, the phone goes. Next, I'll need to build a wood-fired analog computer. After that, the answering machine. Gerbils. Gerbils will deliver my outgoing message. Gerbils are still analog, right?

2000aug21. We're eating more SUSHI!

2000aug21. Inexplicable Object of the Week: Titanic Super Slide. ("This dual slide captures all the excitement of the famed ocean liner on it's [sic] maiden voyage")

2000aug21. Word: Work: Kinko's Clown. I will no longer patronize Kinko's after reading this kindergarten bullshit. That's the way it is with most major service-oriented corporations now. They give their workers shit wages, then figure it's the workers that need adjustment, so they put all of their money into training programs and more management and treat them like children when, as it turns out, the one and only thing that the corporation is relentlessly pursuing could also drastically reduce their rapid employee turnaround. Anything, anything at all except giving the workers more money. Please press "one" if you believe that capitalism is chiefly responsible for pretty much 99% of the shit mess the world's in today BEEP

2000aug21. Journalist goes to Montana and has a fun-time missile silo adventure with many government agencies! "You're not under arrest right now..." [via fark]

2000aug22. L.A. Cacophony: Zombies for Gore

2000aug22. Mt. Washington warning signs (big ole' jpgs take forever to load!)

2000aug22. Don't Delete... if you love someone... this is scary

2000aug22. It starts out pretty funny, then there's HI COMEDY at the end. Don't forget to check out the other categories!

2000aug22. FIVE-POINT PLAN UPDATE.

D.S. had a gala birthday party on Saturday night. I was really looking forward to it because I wanted to see what sort of girl he would have on his arm. I need some help visualizing a "5."

This may not be a shocker to everyone but me: He was solo.

But I did learn some great scandal. My friend C.--the person who introduced me to D.S.--has actually been approached by him for smooching purposes. So she is verified "attractive." (She declined the offer.)

I suspect there may have been a "5" under my nose all this time. [soosan]

2000aug22. Korean questions. They missed a few.

"Why are you so fuckingnosy?"
"Where's mah gun?"
"Can you take off your glasses so I can decks ya?"

2000aug22. Ebay: What, the far fence? You better not be talking about this fence, little Taco Bell dog. I'll step on you.

2000aug23. Wonderful Hatch Show prints [via molly]

2000aug23. The best Polynesian restaurant in Columbus, Ohio, is closing this Saturday. My school bus passed this place every day. I spent a lot of time looking at the Kahiki. (I probably last ate there in 1982.) And now they are tearing it down for a goddamn Walgreens. [soosan]

2000aug23. Stinkymeat 2: Big hijinx on DAY NINE!

2000aug23. Catching up with Cockeyed (yeesh! tons of stuff!):

How Much Is Inside? (Lipstick)
How Much Is Inside? (Newspaper)
Lightbulb Antics
Pranks: New Java City Signage
Ketchup Packet Bear
Matchstick Cats

2000aug24. Top Sample Sources List

2000aug24. The UK is the best place to do e-commerce.

2000aug24. Government body rules that SEIZING YOUR HOME would be an adequate response to in-house teen drinking. Luckily, it's in a faraway country called "Albuquerqia."

2000aug24. Fuck this "who owns your breath" argument, what happened to getting prior approval for administering a breathalyzer test?

The Setting: Albuquerque. It is a modest ranch home, nestled in a quiet suburb. We see a lone OFFICER attempting to test the house's breath with a small technologically-advanced flashlight.

OFFICER: "Well, we're stopping everyone, ma'am ... and, oh, it looks like [glances at flashlight] I've just won myself a new house."

HOUSE: " ..."

Curtain.

2000aug24. [Cardhouse] Vegetables at war.

2000aug24. Battlebots. The robots fighting thing that apparently came after Robot Wars etc etc. So what I don't understand is this entry for "Chiabot". "Primary weapon: plants." Yes, I'm sure this guy is rethinking his game plan.

2000aug24. Correction. The Chiabot is not in the same weight class as that hateful other thing. So they will never fight. Perhaps a little side scratch might be made in the alley later on? "COME ON, PLANT! COME ‒ oh."

2000aug24. Pixbarn.

Hitler and Yamashita are sent packing by a spooky jack-o-lantern ghost and two canning jars. Please note that the Axis Powers are sweating and performing some type of "person lifting heavy object" mime routine.

As presented in: How to PRESERVE Victory Garden Vegetables, a pamphlet presented by Standard Oil of California (1944). [via max]

2000aug25. New idea for monitor technology. I would gladly take a flat-panel black and white screen that consisted of tiny metal balls over my color monitor. Then, when I needed color, I'd run to the library and use their machine, run back, modify the file, run to the library...

2000aug27. No more cocaine.

2000aug27. Smoke up ... we're all going to hell.

2000aug27. I have silly daydreams about products that actually work intelligently. These daydreams usually commence when I come upon, say, a CD player that has been in "pause" mode, silently spinning, for at least four days.

2000aug27. Mail.

Hi I was just reading "This is Your Brain in America/Canada." I live in Delhi, Ontario (the tobacco capital of Canada) and I would just like to tell you that I DONT SMOKE! Thanks :)

That is impossible. You must be sleep-smoking.

2000aug28. Mail.

Hi,
Perhaps you know of someone who would like to buy my donut name. www.dunkindonuts.ws. If not I enjoyed your site anyway. Thank you for your time. ‒ Rick M.

"WS" is the ISO country code for "Samoa." I can find no evidence that a Dunkin' Donuts exists in Samoa. I like ending my sentences with "Samoa."

2000aug28. Mail.

I know that I'm not going to go down in the annals for this contribution, or even probably ever see my name in the "mailbag," but if you aren't interested in this, who would be? (Actually, a quick Web search for "history and cultual" reveals a dozen or more people who would be, but I don't care about them.)

I am fascinated by the various editions and redactions of the copy on the classic red-wrappered disposable bamboo chopstick. For years I was accustomed to seeing [sic]:

---
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history and cultual."
---

The instructions on the reverse were generally pretty clean.

BUT NOW here I am vacationing in rural Maine, and the local Chinese place gives me this:

---
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history. and cultual.
---

Notice the capitalization variations, additional period, and conflation of "ri" into "n" ‒ a telltale optical character-recognition error! Somebody is scanning in old chopstick wrappers to produce new ones! Glonous, indeed! It took me all of twenty seconds to type that copy ‒ can we expect less from our utensil importers?

The instructions on the reverse contain similar OCR errors, including the transformation of "m" into "rn," of "o" into "e," of "f" into "t," and of "l" into "i." A complete transcript follows, with no additional commentary:

---
Learn how to use your chopsticks

Tuk under thurnb and held firmly
Add second chcostick
hold it as you hold
a pencil
Hold tirst chopstick
in originai position
move the second
one up and down
Now you can pick
up anything:
---

(I additionally appreciate the final colon, pointing as it does out of the text, indicating either the drawing of chopsticks being used successfully to pick up a dumpling, or the successful use of chopsticks of the real-life reader of the instructions.)

Is it possible that the optical character recognition is being done not by a computer, which seems ludicrous for such a small sample of text, but by a human who does not know the English alphabet--a native Chinese human, for instance? One who sees "ri" and fumbles around his keyboard or lead type (depending) until he spots the very similar-looking "n"? That is the theory I propose.

Thank you.

-- Paul

weeping openly HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS HORRIBLE THING ABOUT NOT GOING DOWN IN THE ANNALS? Good Christ man, this is one of the most important messages Cardhouse has received since our glonous inception. Full sentences, back-alley cultural misunderstandings, chopsticks: it's got everything. I think you have nailed the source of the problem squarely and I hoist my glass to you, sir. I will be watching the text more closely from now on ‒ I had always assumed it was the same, and since I was more interested in the changing diagrams on the back, well, that side was routinely ignored. I sit corrected.

2000aug29. Raking candy cigarettes over the coals.

2000aug29. [Cardhouse] Unravel the deep secrets locked beneath this ancient text to discover the wonders of a bizarre civilization wholly dependent upon machines...|../a/synacom.htm] [SFX: jungle noises

2000aug29. I have finally realized that pretty much every single time I engage in a consumer transaction, somehow, it will go horribly wrong and leave me twitching and frightened on a cold, marble floor. I don't buy things anymore. Things try to buy me.

2000aug29. Ebay: Nice Mexican cola sign. "Spur Cola: It'll really give you a ... what? What do you think ... a jolt? How's that sound?"

2000aug29. Pixbarn.

Hlp W td d.

"Pl a e c m work or ou inn ativ co pa y! We k ow ho t use C MPUT RS re l goo -- ike!"

2000aug30. Billionaire loses 20 million in casino. If I had billions of dollars, I'd probably form an elite cadre of snipers to take out the other billionaires. Then, for their last mission, they would turn on me. It would be like a giant game. A game of death. Samoa.

2000aug30. Yes, we've all eagerly been awaiting the results of the Charles Atlas vs Flex Mentallo case. Yo! Mr. Atlas! There's at least TWENTY parodies of your damned ads floating around. Get the sand out of yer eyes, pipsqueak!

2000aug30. I finally found someone to blame for the hammering effects of a Mai Tai I "enjoyed" one fine day. Trader Vic's.

2000aug30. Easy Tempo.

2000aug30. Mush! Mush... mush... mush...

2000aug30. At the dawn of the 21st century the world continues to push the envelope of recreation. [soosan]

2000aug30. CNN: "Daddy, I see child welfare authorities." [soosan]

2000aug30. Don't let them prisoners play with the WEEGEE! Don't you let 'em!

2000aug30. "Down in front! Yeah, you, with der huge-ass zigarette packen!" [via david]

2000aug30. Dude, I saw Summersled at Pine Knob this weekend... they totally ROCKED. Only 100 kids or so threw sod at 'em...

2000aug31. The initial surprise upon discovering the skull cracks open to reveal his brain is worth the extra effort. [soosan]

2000aug31. Faux night-vision goggles.

Yeah, kid, nobody's gonna see you coming with these "headlights--for people."

Wait a minute: "No one will be able to sneak around, because you'll know exactly what's out there." Because they will be caught in your headlights. So why do they need "impact resistant lenses" to "prevent damage from the unforeseen"?

I'm sticking with a flashlight--for people. [soosan]

2000aug31. Many potential band names can be found here.

Note the crazy profit margins! [soosan]

2000aug31. Old Man Murray: Virtua Seaman [via neal]

2000aug31. Old Man Murray: This is the first time I've ever seen the UK flexing its weak and flabby legislative muscle at "defamatory" web content from the US. Let's hope it continues, it provides us all with comedy unboundeth.

2000aug31. Tom the Dancing Bug: Iron Chef vs. Bob

2000aug31. Mail.

Nice work on that swedish caption for those Roxette stamps. Retranslated to english that would be "Roxette is dead, tall lives Roxette." But that's also a great caption. Don't know if you care... ‒ Pommi

Oh! Thanks! Also thanks for letting me know what the real translation is! Don't make me point a missile at you! DAMMIT! I CARE! I know how hard it is to express one's passion through ones and zeros, but can't you feel it? Surging, surging forth? Surge...

Anyway, some cretins put sugar in my gas tank while I was aslumber, so I'm in a bad mood. More on this later.


September 2000.

2000sep02. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose.

2000sep02. Ebay: In light of the fact that the caffeine added to soda pop produces no discernable change in taste, this bumper sticker takes on an entirely new context. You greedy soda fucks. You see that last sentence? That's Cardhouse Style.

2000sep03. When I moved to California, I was surprised to discover that wine stores (for example) had nothing in the way of earthquake protection for their shelving units. But then I suppose they have earthquake insurance, so an earthquake is like a rush on the store in more ways than one.

2000sep04. I have composed a song about a recent Cruel Site web site entry. It's not often that I do this, so you know that it's a special occasion. It's sung to the tune of the 1981 hit "Working For The Weekend" by Loverboy.

Everybody's working through the weekend
Everybody wants a new pair of pants
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody's infected with the prions that cause scrapie and mad cow disease

2000sep05. Enticing ambient displays which never go out of code. [soosan]

2000sep06. Interview: Eugene Levy (SCTV, Waiting For Guffman, etc)

2000sep06. Quick Watson! The needle! (?)

2000sep06. Request: Has anyone ever heard of a product called "Red Smiley Pop"? Please contact me if you have. Thank you kindly.

2000sep07. Ebay: Punchboard book. "Ponzi Special." At least they're honest.

2000sep07. Got some spam today. Normally I have nothing but harsh words for spammers, but these kids are on to something. Here, "listen in" as Clair Howells describes TITANIC:

We are a large scale open air theatre group from Germany -- working in pyrotechnics, fire, water. Our show "Titanic" depicts the sinking of the famous ocean liner ‒ 16 actors, technicians, musicians ‒ huge set (20 X 40) and 30,000 litres of water. Our other show "Insect" is about the dream of flying ‒ strange machines are hung from a crane and a steel insect 6 metres high and 12 metres long moves over the playing area. We have been performing for 10 years, mostly in summer festivals ‒ in 13 diferent european countries as well as in Australia and Venezuela.

>There are fantastic pictures of our work on our website ‒ it's worth a visit.

>www.titanick.de

>Let me know how you liked it

>Yours sincerely

Clair Howells
Theater Titanick
Münster, Germany

You SICK, DEPRAVED GERMAN FREAKS! YOU MONSTERS FROM MUNSTER! LET THE DEAD OF "TITANIC" REST IN PEACE! NO MORE SUPER SLIDES! NO MORE PROM DISPLAY THEMES! AND MOST OF ALL, NO MORE MOVIES!!!!

Coming soon to a theatre near you ‒ Titanic 2: The Revenge

2000sep08. 1939 correspondence between a design firm and Brown & Williamson tobacco concerning a new candy cigarette product. Features extremely poor black-and-white images of old candy cigarette brands, including "Spud."

2000sep08. If you do a trademark search on the Olympic Committee's "Snowlets," you'll see that they've abandoned the trademark as of November of 1999. Snowlets, Snowlets, Snowlets! Okay everyone, we can say "Snowlets" now! I'm calling my car "Snowlets."

2000sep08. Here's some information on the real "Spud" cigarette brand.

2000sep08. Ebay: Sweepstakes gum machine

2000sep08. Ebay: Chewing gum machine. But what's with the ping-pong ball slot machine? "JACKPO--waaaaHHHH!!!!"

2000sep08. Ebay: Keeney's Spinner Winner Craps Gum Trade Stimulator Vendor Machine Thing

2000sep09. "Well, you know, what we did was ... wrong ... and we're ... sorry. And ... is anyone out there?"

2000sep09. FBI profiling for "troubled" school children.

The report listed more than three dozen warning signals, which include recurrent themes of destruction or violence in a student's writing or artwork, students who nursed resentment over real or perceived injustices, those fascinated with violent entertainment, and families that kept weapons in the home. The report also pointed to students who show hopelessness, despair, hatred, isolation, loneliness, nihilism or an "end-of-the-world" philosophy. The report also focused on students who are easily angered, who are in a failed love relationship, who have an attitude of superiority, who are rigid and opinionated, who show an unusual interest in sensational violence, have poor coping skills, show signs of depression, abuse drugs or alcohol, express inappropriate humor, and have no limits or monitoring of television and Internet use.

Christ. So who's not on this list? The principal's kid? Watch your backs, kids, because they're watching you...

2000sep09. "This tastes more New Hampshirey."

2000sep10. Institute for Applied Autonomy: Robot Insurrection in the Streets of Philadelphia etc. Christ these cats are cool. I wanna party with YOU, cowboy! [via memepool]

2000sep10. Well, I guess this is it. This is the end of humanity. We will eventually all be replaced by Boxer Jocks.

2000sep10. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose

2000sep10. [Cardhouse] More than any three people would want to know about candy cigarettes, with pointers into the tidal wave of internal/secret "Big Tobacco" documents

2000sep10. Mail.

okay, but the swiffer rocks as a cleaning device [this is a comment on a weblog link]. it can get into corners and under furniture and it picks up stuff the dust mop doesn't. although the little papers you buy are expensive, so I cut up an old worn out flannel sheet and use that instead. yours for science *and* economy, ‒ rcb

This is a good tip. I think any tip that blows away the King Gillette "buy the blade over and over again" marketing ploy is simply grand. Not that I dust or anything. BUT IF I DID, BY GOD I WOULD CUT UP AN OLD WORN OUT FLANNEL SHEET.

2000sep12. The public, including children, will be invited to come aboard and participate in a number of educational and entertaining activities that will demonstrate the magic of Swiffer and unveil the mysteries of science. [soosan]

2000sep12. Invasion of the Europroduct: Febreze, Swiffer, and Fit. [soosan]

2000sep13. California Extreme, a classic arcade game exhibition. [via lazlo]

2000sep13. Old Man Murray: Who Killed Adventure Games? [via eifco]

2000sep13. Seanbaby goes off on service-industry idiots using "sarcasm." Damn, I can't even think of how many times this has happened to me and I've never done anything. It was too low on the radar... "of course this person is fucking with me, because they're an idiot." Now I am ARMED FOR FUTURE WARFARE THANKS TO SEANBABY

2000sep13. Web Economy Bullshit Generator [soosan]

2000sep13. "I'm sorry, you're perfect for the position, but these traffic tickets..."

2000sep13. The children, they are learning! ... no they're not! (posted within a half-hour of each other)

2000sep13. Pheromone beam is going to get you! (third item) [soosan]

2000sep13. The Clown Essay (from Craphound). Old. Still good. Vintage.

2000sep13. I Found It! Evidence Of The Human Condition. From David Anthony's ongoing column of reader-mailed found objects in The Portland's The Rocket.

2000sep14. DNT MK NY FLS MVS F Y WNT T S YR PRCS "NGM" MCHN GN!!!!11111111!!!

2000sep14. Don't leave the cocaine lying around! Kitty might be jonesing for some after that Fleet® enema!

2000sep14. Wrong. I want a chocolate patch, not an anti-chocolate patch.

2000sep14. The first foreigner to work the Prague pneumatic mail system.

2000sep14. An article on Paul Tough's " Open Letters" site.

2000sep14. Bruce Conner

2000sep15. Exploding Dog. You send in the caption, Sam draws the picture.

2000sep15. "What we need, Digby ... is a way to somehow associate, in the child's mind, his or her normal day-to-day activities with a constant monitoring organization and 7-11... one that would be able to advertise the 7-11 brand, and bring more young customers into the store through a cheap giveaway ... say, our Slurpees ... Slurpees for good deeds... crossing guards? Teachers? Giving out coupons ..." "What about the police?" "Digby ... DIGBY!"

2000sep18. Mail.

unacceptable. please correct your egregious mistake and notify me ASAP. ‒ wally

Background: Most of Cardhouse was taken down for a few months so it could relax. I received a few (like, six. not a joke) messages about the disappearance, but this is the one I liked the most.

2000sep20. Test, test. Is this thing on? Okay. Attention! Attention! The archives have been removed. Isn't it grand? Please see the FAQ for more obtuse details. That is all for now. Thank you.

2000sep20. Mail.

HEY WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good morning, you told me to page you...Hee hee, it's early and you are prob sleeping...well talk to yea soon...hhmmmm maybe?!?!?!?!

What, I'm getting crossed-wire instant messages now? Grand.

2000sep21. The robots are going apeshit. They can't find anything. "Where'd all the stuff go?" I have pretend robot conversations. Alta Vista robot talks to Hot Bot robot (an important aside: I found out that "Hot Bot" is or was used as slang for "Vagina" ... I am not sure if Wired is aware of this). Nothing here, robots.

2000sep22. I just got some speakers for my computer, so I'm following up on old sound-related links. The following will take you directly to a realaudio report on the 24 Hour Plays. I have created the program guide for past 24 Hour Plays events. For the first few, there were no "computers" anywhere ‒ I had to hoof it to Kinko's to type in everything for the program ... it was a surprise to hear about the laptops. Laptops! (Note to Drew if he's reading: the guy from Soul Coughing is one of the writers)

24 Hour Plays report

2000sep23. I received an important piece of pretend priority mail today from IT&T in Switzerland. It is a solicitation to be in their 2000/2001 Faxdirectory. My cost: only $995.00. Oh, there's a 3% discount if I reply in 14 days. That's $965.15. The fax number they've indicated is "mine" has been dead for three years now. Maybe I can get a discount for that, too.

2000sep26. S.F. FCC prank [via bigrig]

2000sep27. Tagmaster, The Briefcase Tagging Machine

2000sep27. Mail.

"Your computer is on fire. Please exit the building." [this is a quote from the 404 page] If you're alive please die. sup wit yor adtude?

We just watched a whole bunch of Sergio Leone flicks.

2000sep28. It's official: I'm a This American Life junkie. I find myself talking in a hushed, informative cadence ... with ... pauses here and there.

2000sep29. Sugar Tax, Day 30. Of course you remember that some delightful loser poured sugar into my gas tank 30 days ago. Chief among the reasons I allow you to have sex with me is your razor-sharp memory. I have put a total of about 65 miles on the car with no ill effects. It has gone up and down one of those bay area bridges that you occasionally see buckled on live television broadcasts. It has been around. It drove me to an actual freelance job and did not comically die ten miles away from the worksite. I purchased a locking gas cap a few days ago. It's a very nice object, heavy (for head-clunking where needed). Seems important. Would make a good paperweight. I would highly suggest one if you are in a populated area. Purchase the keyed gas cap, not the combination-lock gas cap: the latter is like a candy coating for the modern-day vandal. One day I will explain the logic behind not driving my car immediately to a repair shop and you will listen.


October 2000.

2000oct04. Dr. Cliff Goes Gator-Hunting.

2000oct05. Okay, we all saw the debates, right? You're still not thinking of voting for one of the loser twins, are you? Okay. It's a free country, be an idiot. But I'll tell you what... let me sweeten up the deal a little bit, and then you let me know. If you vote for Nader, I'll give you a free piece of toast.
supplies are limited. must be over 18.

That's right. FREE TOAST I'm NOT messing around here. I'll MAIL it to you if I have to. Plus, I will send a free magazine. It might be something I've whipped up, it might be Reader's Digest. I cannot say at this time.

You wanted to burst forth into the new millennium, didn't ya? New ideas, new plans, a new country? I remember you saying that. Well, if you want your new millennium, COME AND GET YOUR NADER2000 TOAST, MOTHER SCRATCHERS

You just lemme know after you go to your little polling station. Also please describe the voting process for me, including a description of the voting booth. That's not to keep you honest (I'm sure you won't lie to me), I just like voting booths.

2000oct06. Personally I just don't see a need for the CueCat at all ‒ I was hoping maybe some CueCat hacker would come up with an alternate one ("scan your buttocks!") that actually made some sense. I don't understand how scanning a discarded pack of hot dogs and a can of lima beans is going to reduce the amount of time and effort you spend finding this information at an online grocer. Let's try an experiment on Webvan (I used to be a WebVan customer but found their selection to be atrocious. It was worth the effort to be able to see the cockamamie cyborg set-up they require their drivers to carry (on one hip, you have your big order tracker computer, and on the other hip, you have your big, big printer ‒ I think there was a third hip in there somewhere (pager? cellphone? four hips?), but shit, you could do all of that with a dash-mounted radio/cb and a clipboard ... I almost had a laughing spasm while signing for my order [semi-witty parenthetical note about how this is yet another example of throwing technology at problems to cause more problems than ever deemed possible inside an aside about throwing technology at problems to cause more problems than ever deemed possible deleted for brevity]). I do not have a CueCat, I am just extrapolating from known data and have afforded the CueCat people the benefit of the doubt about the usability of their product even though I've read at least two accounts indicating elsewise but in this case we're talking about homebrew software so forget I said anything:

Without CueCat:
type in "hot dogs" in search field
choose "all beef"
hit "back" because of javascript error choose "chicken/turkey" hit "back" because of javascript error
give up

With CueCat:
take soggy, dripping discarded hot dog pack over to computer
flatten UPC on table
scan easily and quickly with CueCat and hacker homebrew softwares
take soggy, dripping discarded hot dog pack back to garbage
get cleaning supplies, clean up drips on floor and computer table
put cleaning supplies back
dig through trash to find lima bean can
clean arms, hands
give up

There is a guy who has a website that tallies everything he throws away; he's placed his (non CueCat) scanner next to the garbage. If I suddenly wanted to do this it would entail (at least) a thirty-foot cable slinking through the floor and termite's nests, down a wall, etc. I think I'll just remember or even write down what I need to purchase and sometimes, when I'm feeling crazy, just wing it in the grocery store. When did buying groceries become this horrible, horrible experience that people can't stand? Or is this just another Mt. Geekmore hack ... "I can do it, so I will do it!" Well, at least you can run spreadsheets on your average lima bean consumption per month.

2000oct06. Cintra.

2000oct06. Mail.

Love the sarcasm, everyone needs a touch of it everyday, and btw Cute Pic . =) I'm none of the below [a list of ill-regarded people on the contact page], nor am I a door to door salesperson. Am I allowed in? lol

2000oct07. Went to an estate sale today. There were some pots on the stove ... one pot for five dollars ... and the one with stew a-stewin' in it for ten bucks.

"Does the stew come with that?"

Boy, you'd think they'd let these people cool off a little bit before they start selling off everything.

2000oct10. Mail.

If a SCUBA diver is in the water at about 20 feet and lightning hits close to the diver what will happen to him and why. Thank you, Wayne

Our Science Editor is on vacation. Your question will be answered by the Cardhouse Robot. "The SCUBA diver will die. The end."

2000oct12. [Dr. Cliff] An Examination of The QCat Scanner

2000oct15. Pixbarn.

Our staff chemist, Dr. Scott Berk, found these licorice items in Iceland. I had forgotten exactly what was inside and, using my powers of deduction, asked him if it was detergent. Oh, we laughed and laughed. So hearty was the laughter! So... hearty.

2000oct16. The Idler: A Waste Of Paradise ‒ The True Story Of The Bounty Bar Hunters

2000oct18. The Spark's "Fat Project" most recent update includes a vastly-improved "pounds vs. fatness" graph which enables you (you) to gauge the progress as related to the 30-pounds-in-30-days goal more astutely. Tufte would be proud.

2000oct19. Michael Moore: More good Nader News™

2000oct20. I have a P.O. Box. When I got the P.O. box, they gave me a key. It didn't work, so they said they were ordering new ones. It would take a month, two months for the keys to arrive. Because the keys are ordered from Washington D.C., currently our nation's capitol.

So everytime I wanted my mail, I would have to stand in line with all of the other good citizens. Then, when it was my turn to go up to the counter, I would ask, politely, for my mail from the box.

The clerk, whoever it was, every single time, would look at me blankly. "Have you lost your key?" "Is there something wrong with the box?" etc. Every single time, I would patiently explain that I was never given the keys in the first place. There are only about six clerks at this branch ‒ sometimes, I'd even get to explain what happened to the clerk who originally processed the order.

Over and over, and over again. I've explained this curious phenomenon to each clerk at least ten times.

It's been like this for five months, twenty days now.

So, if you happen to be getting a P.O. Box, make sure you get some keys, I guess.

2000oct20. Mail.

Written on the side of a Tostitos box near the back door of a local restaurant:

"Everybody's sick
and Joel's got a
knife in his head,
Who would
make pie. I think
I can make a
pie or 2."

Made me think of you.
-- matt

2000oct24. Poems wanted for songs. Songs recorded. Send poems today for FREE examination.

2000oct24. Teen Spy.

2000oct26. "Look, we don't want to find the corn, or get into any more trouble, so if you could just temporarily approve this corn, I mean, I know it wasn't even approved for human consumption, it's twice removed from regular non-biotech corn, but if you could just approve it, for awhile, that'd be great."

2000oct26. A nice, extensive guide to 78rpm records.

2000oct27. Inconspicuous Consumption®: Hole Puncher

2000oct28. Laser turntable.

2000oct29. Just scored a package of Fleaseed Husk myself. Mine is dated October 1996, so it's relatively new.

2000oct29. [Cardhouse] Our hard-working website administrator guy has created a MP3 jukebox program called Otto. Perhaps you would enjoy it?

2000oct30. First of three updates for the last day of Thee Fat Project. It doesn't look good for our tubby twosome.

2000oct30. Fat Project (scroll to bottom for by-the-hour weigh-ins): My my. The poundage one can put on in three hours. Eric's got a shot, Nicole's comin' on strong. This looks much better than the start of the day.|

2000oct31. Shit, forgot to decorate for halloween.

Orange orange orange

orange


November 2000.

2000nov03. Brooklyn chewing gum from Italy. Over-the-top ad copy makes this my PICK OF THE MONTH.

2000nov03. Perfetti can't stop the bombastic action!

Mega Big Babol (transgressive)
Morositas (playful, charming; also transgressive)
Alpenliebe (genuine, exceptional; transgressive factor unstated)

2000nov05. International Smoking Monkey All-Stars (splash page only)

2000nov06. Mail.

when will jimmy white win the world chamoin

Jimmy White will win the world chamoin on Decemb 1 th, 20 .

2000nov07. Ebay: "Hey, let's watch the television lozenge!" "Oh boy! I wanna watch the HULA HULA GIRL!" "Well, I wanna watch TWO HEADED CALF!" "Hey hey I wanna watch MIDGET!" I remember having to share my television lozenge when I was a kid ... it wasn't fair. All children should have their own television lozenge.

2000nov07. I just went and voted. Back home I got to use one of those towering ancient mechanical voting booths, but here they have these crappy big-ass forms. At least you get to feed them to the VoteMachine™, a squat little thing, and it takes the form either way ‒ smart little machine. Don't know what it does for write-ins, must throw those across the room or burn 'em. The machine reminded me of those standardized tests I used to take in junior high ‒ you know, number two pencil, multiple choice computer forms. We were in the library after school, as usual, goofing on the computers, and he went in one of the offices and found the machine that reads the cards. So he turned it off, put a long paper towel in it, taped it into a loop, and then turned it on. What a fucking racket. 100% wrong answers, Mr. Paper Towel Loop. Then he locked the office. He became a born-again approximately seven years later.

2000nov07. News Quiz ends; party Wednesday (tomorrow) in the New York City area.

2000nov07. CARDHOUSE EXIT POLL UPDATE: So far, three people have claimed free Nader toast, as offered here a month prior. Let's check the toteboard:

Bush 0%
Gore 0%
Nader 100%

A strong showing for the Green Party candidate, Ralph Nader. But with the amount of absentee voting, the swing states, and massive voter fraud, the final results are still up in the air. Stay tuned.

Also: The Free Nader Toast Offer expires on November 9th, NOON P.S.T., because that's when I'm making the toast and there will be no extra toast for tardy toast takers.

2000nov07. "Dressed in a tan jacket..." check out the Photoshop abilities of that CNN staffer... "uh, just make his whole suit #000000, right?"

2000nov08. This just in: The jerkoff might not win. Cardhouse Election Control will stay with this late-breaking story until.... until.... zzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ

2000nov08. 24 Hour Plays website.

2000nov08. Dr. Cliff has some stuff up that I've never seen. I don't know if it's new. Oh, Dr. Cliff!

1964 Lincoln Continental Freakmobile
Pat Fish (not the Jazz Butcher one)

2000nov08. The really amazing part of this whole Florida debacle is not that the system has been proven lacking, but that it's lacking in so many ways. Part of the problem with the vote count in Florida centers around the actual ballot form passed out in Palm Beach (which appear in this article). It's not clear from the diagram if the people complaining about "two holes for Gore" have a case, as whoever prepared this graphic neglected to emphasize where exactly the holes were to be punched (I'd fire the guy, actually). Using an oft-proven method of "intelligent guessing," it would seem that these people are completely balmy, as anyone who took the time to follow each arrow to each hole would see exactly which hole represented which candidate (and isn't that apt). But this is the old "user interface" bugaboo ‒ trying to force people to understand poorly-designed/cheap technology (in this case, making all of the holes line up in one row so the machine only has to have one reader strip, and thus costs less) instead of having technology understand people.

2000nov08. Gore's retched Flint speech. What an ass.

In the first, he told supporters, a voter wakes up with a splitting headache and hears a pounding rain mixed with sleet and hail hammering on his window. "The sky is so dark there's hardly any light. You stumble out of bed. Your knees are sore as you walk toward the door and stub your toe," Mr. Gore says. "You open the door and the newspaper is stuck to the step, frozen by the sleet, soaked through and through. "You peel it off and hold it up to the light and all you can see is ‒ 'Bush.'" Mr. Gore tells booing supporters there is another option. "On Wednesday morning, just before you awaken, a golden shaft of sunlight flickers on your eyelids," Mr. Gore says. "You hear the chirping of birds on the windowsill. Your senses detect the scent of fresh-cut flowers on the table by the bed. It mingles with the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee wafting in from the kitchen. The radio is playing your favorite song, and you leap out of bed just feeling great," he says. "You dance your way to the front door and open it as the sunlight warms your face. You pick up the paper and it says: 'Gore-Lieberman Win.'"

2000nov08. Front pages of papers from around the country today

2000nov08. Ebay: Bush Wins NY Post paper up for auction

2000nov10. The Universal Laboratory.

2000nov11. CNN has always been my number one choice for tight, imaginative bumper graphics.

2000nov13. Ebay: Eskimo Pie packaging from 1927. "One Eskimo Pie has been found equivalent in food value to approximately one chicken sandwich, two boiled eggs, 6 oz. boiled potatoes or one pound of carrots. It can also restore a blind person's sight, fight fires, and do your taxes. Let your children eat all the Eskimo Pies they want ‒ it's good for them, and for you, too ‒ eventually you'll just be able to roll them anywhere you want, regardless of their whining. Vacuuming around the house is made easy with spherical children."

2000nov13. California Department of Corrections

2000nov14. How Much Is Inside? Cheerios.

2000nov14. I've been having some horrid problems with my "PC" lately. Screen artifacts, programs dumping out after ten seconds of use, etc. It's been going on for awhile... but lately, it's been getting better, and I've recently been able to hang on for upwards of two hours without crashing.

I believe it is the miracle of Jesus Christ that allows me to continue to compute unhindered. Thank you, Jesus.

2000nov14. Cardhouse Mail. Always intelligent, incisive ... penetrating. Today's letter comes from Alex, who lives in Norway.

Your are stupid
alex

This ends today's "Cardhouse Mail" segment.

2000nov14. Ebay: "A Nation Divided" mechanical bank (1999). "Press 'Slavery' button" ...

2000nov14. Mail.

hatlar? alsana guga ....bega..
sa vedem cum merge?????????????????

2000nov17. Ebay: Ebay: King Zor. A toy from the 1960's. $2250. Reserve Not Yet Met.

2000nov17. Ebay: More on the King Zor toy.

2000nov17. Christ, SuperBarrio, what took ya so long?

2000nov17. Ebay: Tuxedo Sam plush doll. Awwww yeah, turn around, my flightless little friend... let's see that delicious butt of yours...

Feeling a little goofy today. Or rather, goofier.

2000nov17. Royal Journal: Lieberman Party! ("If your child is planning on having a birthday party during this election year, here are some tips to help you put on a kick-ass Lieberman Birthday Party!")

2000nov17. Mail.

THE BALLS ARE ALL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR. Yours are stupid. -- "alek"

I think this is Norway Alex again. It took him three days to come up with that second sentence.

2000nov18. Mail.

Hi Elvira! I am trying to send you a nice mail with a picture in it.If you open it tell me. ‒ Tori

2000nov19. Rich Mackin. Letters to corporations (like Lazlo Toth, Randy Cohen, etc), plus more. MORE

2000nov28. Bellagio, Treasure Island, MGM Grand, etc, Las Vegas.

Casino win/loss: $-17.00.
Total win/loss: $-100.45.

My losses have hit triple digits. Do I get some sort of prize?

This was another disappointing go-round, filled with smoke and distate. I am learning not to expect a lot from Vegas. I think I got off pretty light, though, considering that my host was planning on dragging me to a floor show. A Las Vegas floor show that was not Wayne Newton or Tom Jones.

I saw the slot machine Chainsaws & Toasters on the floor of one casino but neglected to write down which one. Then, someone wrote in asking where they could find it. Anyone?

While watching those damned fountains at Bellagio, I noticed an older Japanese man wearing a nice cable sweater. A phrase was knitted into the back, in very large block letters:

YOU ARE TOTALLY SNAFUED
IT'S A "RECKKLESS" THINGS TO DO

Las Vegas voice impressionist Andre Phillippe has a poster advertising his remarkable skill. The ending tagline: He does everyone ... even you!

The LCD monitor on the Jackpot Stampede Deluxe slot machine occasionally admonishes players to "Watch out for the poopers!" I didn't stick around for any sort of context.

2000nov29. The November 27th issue of the New Yorker (Chris Ware cover; I'd point to it on the New Yorker website but everyone laughs at the New Yorker website because it is horrible and puny and sad) has an article by Randy Rothman entitled "My Fake Job." Requiring a bit of structure to his unemployed life to get some freelance writing done, Randy walked into a random internet company, sized up an empty desk, and began his "job." And kept coming back. You could go to Barnes and Noble, sit down in a comfy chair, read this article, and then leave. I've got things all mapped out for you, this Randy Rothman reading mini-mission. You let me know how things work out.

2000nov29. I am back from my vacation. I went to Arizona, and also to Mexico. I said the word "Americano" in Mexico. I touched a barrel cactus. I sat in a wash. I drove 600 miles in one day and that used to be easy but now, one day later, my eyes are all screwed up. Or, maybe it's because my eyes are readjusting to this computer monitor. I hate these goddamned computers.

2000nov29. A nice article about Rodney Rothman.

2000nov29. Randy Rothman also has a delightful piece in the new McSweeney's (#5). I still have to figure out that Mr. Squishy article. Is there some kind of McSweeney's forum online? I mean, maybe I could figure it out myself, but I was in a hurry (I was going on vacation and didn't want to drag the book along) so I figured I could just cut through all of the marketing mumbo-jumbo and the character development and WHOOPS that was a big mistake because it had one of those fucking David Foster Wallace temporal shift endings, like it's some kind of test just to make sure you absorbed, that you were breathing the entire article instead of skimming it like I was because I was going on vacation. I went to Mexico. I mean, I walked in with my friends. We walked right over that border. I wanted to take a lot of pictures of the border signs and border patrol but it all happened so fast and I figured I could do it on the way back but they have an entirely different way to exit Mexico because they don't want people getting mixed up, trading illegal drugs for legal money, or people hiding other people in bags or something. I turned around at one point, there was this small , two foot gap between two buildings and sure enough, there was a border patrol agent just standing there. You couldn't just wall it in, you've got this guy standing there 24/7, I guess. I wonder what his job description looks like. Wall Gap Protector.

2000nov29. Mail.

i m 3d painter, some jobes enough fine, i ll want to showing they.

2000nov30. Banal Las Vega$ Observations.

1) There is a slot machine called "Chainsaws and Toasters" in one of the casinos. One. Other slot machines you will see hundreds of times in every casino.

2) Las Vegas voice impressionist Andre Phillippe has a poster advertising his remarkable skill. The ending tagline: He does everyone ... even you!

3) The LCD monitor on the Jackpot Stampede Deluxe slot machine occasionally admonishes players to "Watch out for the poopers!" I didn't stick around for any sort of context.


December 2000.

2000dec01. Ebay: non-speaking MadTV walk-on auction up to $16,100. Sometimes I am really quiet and I don't say anything about a particular link because there is nothing one can say. This is one of those times.

2000dec01. Here's a nice list of all the StarLink-contaminated taco/chip products that were recalled.

2000dec01. The archives are now back online. They are all rested up and ready to delight the casual web consumer once again. If you have never been here before, this would be a good place to spend a few days. Perennial favorites include:

Children in Distress
The Pleasure Railroad
Three Arrested In Drunken Santa Spree
Cross-Country Burn
All About Candy Cigarettes
Also please be aware that the Deck O' Junk feature is ailing and needs drastic repairs (a program that actually follows the PNG specification is needed ‒ suggestions welcome). Your continued patience is appreciated.

2000dec01. FREE KEVIN'S I.D.

2000dec02. The Public Sez: "Mr. Squishy ... actually written by David Foster Wallace?"

2000dec02. Mail.

Just wondering where you found the "Chainsaws and Toasters" slot machine. I'm planning on seeing Vegas soon, and I'd like to see it. Thanks.

- Paul

Originally I did not know. But now I do, and I have updated the Old Vegas page accordingly.

2000dec05. Brunching: Making A Sammich. Aside: do people still use Miracle Whip? Miracle Whip? Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip. I used to use the Miracle Whip. A long time ago. It was a frightening time in my life when there were several, if not all, brand names in my refrigerator. [shudders]

2000dec05. Why do people try to hurt me with their words? They pretend that they are being nice but then you can tell that they are trying to hurt you. It's not a nice thing to do. That's when I knife the fuckers.

2000dec05. Because I'm feeling all festive and shit, I thought I'd compile an extensive list of the things I like about this holiday season. Take your time reading through it.

Those larger non-blinking multi-colored lightbulb strings that no one uses anymore because they like those wussy tiny white lightbulb strings.

Also, don't forget to reflect on what this holiday season means to you and your loved ones. Perhaps you haven't purchased enough for them and yourself? I saw the family next door to you the other day, coming back from the mall with a BOATLOAD of presents. Food for thought.

2000dec05. Someone just wrote in asking what casino had the Chainsaws & Toasters slot machine. I don't remember. Maybe one of our lucky readers can help out.

2000dec05. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose.

2000dec05. SF: Ding dong! Peoplehater show December 9th.

2000dec06. Postal Experiments [via Robot Wisdom]. I carried out a number of postal experiments during my college years, when others of my age were having cocaine-fueled sex. Two things that made it to their destination: a 78rpm record (mailed with message and postage placed directly on the record; received in a bag, smashed into at least a hundred pieces), and a standard ~three foot x four foot foamcore "postcard." A friend of mine keeps threatening to send me a bowling ball, but he has not. That's Cardhouse, Box [etc] CA [etc]. Send crap today!

2000dec06. Chin Tiki of Detroit. Also notable for use of the word "gooned."

2000dec07. Old McSweeney's Letters I Like The First One Letters.

2000dec07. Mail.

Hello. Surely you are aware, but on the long shot that you are not:

-There exists a double 'all-about' book.
-It is currently in hardcover.
-It is called: all about 'all about eve.'

That will be all.
thank you and good day.
-adam

Yes. I knew. But I was angling to get an actual copy of the book to scan and then suddenly I didn't feel like supporting the All About section anymore.

2000dec09. This is a special message for the guy using the cell phone during the Frank Black concert.

They can also be fitted internally.

Also, I haven't been to a concert in awhile, it's nice to see that people still think that singing along with the band is okay. At least it wasn't as bad as the last Jazz Butcher show I went to ‒ a guy behind me sang every fucking note of every fucking song. He was my best friend after the show. I told him so.

2000dec09. Mail.

Your site ROCKS sizzle chest! Fuck those loooosers who don't know a good thing when they see it! They can all come kiss my ass there silly.

Yes, what you said. What did you say?

2000dec10. Pixbarn.

Manufacturered October 1993, no expiration date, purchased October 2000. Stunning design. FLEASEED HUSK!

2000dec10. Pixbarn.

This is one of three different types of packaging for the product that I'm assuming is called "Pop Pop." I have no idea why there's three different types, or if one/two of them are re-designs or bootlegs. It's all-around confusion in the Pop Pop department..

You can BANG DROP it, or you can TROW it, among other options.

So here's the "Horse Brand" Pop Pops, imploring you to SNAR IT! It's copyright 1960, but the package itself is of fairly recent construction.

The manufacturer is listed (unlike the previous version) as China National Native Produce & Animal By-Products Import & Export Corporation. Betcha didn't know horse hooves could be BANG DROPPED.

The third and most bizarre of the Pop Pop series. Did they run out of packaging, and had some twelve-year-old quickly draw up a new design?

2000dec11. Other People's Mail is hosting this week's Open Letters, oh my!

2000dec11. Pixbarn.

Yeah, I know, Indian Chef, Chinese product. Go figger. That must be some smaller game animal like Quail, but I like pretending the guy is a GIANT and he's sprinkling curry powder over a turkey.

The explanatory text on the back ends thusly: "The whole dish is ready to be served: A WONDERFUL AND TASTY CURRY WILL BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE FEAST!"

Not this curry powder, though. I purchased it in July 2000 ‒ "use before February 1992." It has a more extensive product expiration section than most American products, indicating that the "period of conservation" is three years. Zo, given all of this, we can deduce that this curry was made in February of 1989. It was made in Hong Kong, and now you have figured out the whole Indian theme. VINTAGE PRE-HANDOFF HONGKONG CURRY POWDER LQQK!!! Quick! To the ebaymobile!

2000dec11. Pixbarn.

This was a limited-time Chocoball SYSTEM. To the right are the three flavors, and to the extreme right is one of the boxes underneath each of those ‒ you're supposed to open up each box in kind (see the diagram to the right?) to get at the Chocoballs, but we're talking like a total of maybe 30 (tops) or so Chocoballs; it's all about the packaging. On the left, the surprise ‒ some sort of Chocoball stamp, either a continuous rolling one, or a simple stamped image. Collect all twelve!

2000dec12. Book of the Week a real corker

2000dec12. Iconographic Representation Of Children On Signs And The Macho Gender Machine Overdrive

2000dec12. I own too much stuff. It's time to throw things out. I've decided to whittle my extensive holdings down to essential elements. One pair of nice shoes. One bike. One killer "little black dress."

2000dec13. Cardhouse is listed under the topic "Fun Humor" on the website Quiz People, located in Denmark. I just wanted to point out the picture of the clown with the beach balls and to say that shit doesn't fly here. There is nothing less funny than a clown except various viruses and diseases. Beach balls, not really funny, more like silly or happy. Thank you.

2000dec13. McSweeney's: Neal Pollack's 24-Hour Play [see also The 24-Hour Plays]

2000dec13. Cintra. The bloated car-wreck known as "Christmas."

2000dec13. Sigma Derby 4000 is a gambling horse-racing machine with little tiny horses that race around a little tiny track. Like little magnetic/plastic horses. So okay, that's pretty comical - I've played an even older version of Sigma Derby. In the upgraded version, Sigma Derby Mark VI, they've added five litle CCD cameras and a big-screen projection TV to track the little horses racing around the little track. I have GOT to see this.

2000dec13. Open Letters Other People's Mail week continues with a mini-editorial (that's three layers deep, now) from a former toy company customer service representative.

2000dec14. House of Cards by Mike Davis. An essay on Las Vegas' environmental problems.

2000dec14. Interview with Mike Davis (1997)

2000dec14. [Cardhouse] Old Vegas: a woefully-incomplete location list of old slot machines and other related gambling devices. Mildly interesting to anyone planning to visit Nevada in the near future, totally irrelevant to all others. It's SLOTS OF FUN!

2000dec14. Mail.

you sir, deserve a kiss. not from me, but perhaps a younger version of Morganna. i will send dispatches with alarming uncertainty when i locate such grand old devices. for the sake of reference, the Chariot racing game at Caeser's in Vegas is actually not even on the casino floor, it has been relegated to the bastard stepchild location approximately 25 yards into the Forum Shops. those fools treat it as though it were some trite novelty. little do they know, all the action is at the track. ¡vivà  the sport of kings!

- Wally

I have updated the page.

2000dec15. Emperor Norton. Backward.

2000dec15. Spanish Roadsigns which lead to many other good roadsign sites.

2000dec18. Action ... PARK! The water-fun park with the thrilling loop-de-loop water slide!

2000dec18. I am changing the battery in my car. The old one is dead. Dead dead. So I am putting in my new happy battery. The old (dead) one has splotches near the terminals and on the side ‒ this may be the mysterious substance the mechanic placed on it to ensure continued contact with the cables, or it could mean my dead battery has been acting up and is lying in wait. There are several warnings on the top of each of the batteries; the one that catches my eye repeatedly as I turn bolts ends with "GET HELP FAST." Yes, I'll just quickly finish the job, jump into the car, then head to the hospital. Time to call a dishonest mechanic (oxymoron: collect them all) tomorrow.

2000dec19. Cat Bus ... Cat Bus ...

2000dec21. Melmoth on Bridges. Another Caffe Proust event I'm sorry I missed ... also continue through the article to read about the Santa Shootout.

2000dec21. Melmoth on Santasm NYC 1998

2000dec21. The original Cheap Suit Santas (1994)

2000dec21. Mail.

i'm from minnesota and it was damn cold today. i work as a server at a restaurant, and thought you might get a kick outta my table 61's quote o' the day:

"it's colder than a warlock's testicle in a brass jock strap."

the only thing i could think of to say in reply was, 'um, do you want some more diet coke, ma'am?' ...

laters,
jewels

2000dec22. Here in sunny, stupid California, despite the dot-com fallout, we still have oodles of newly-minted dot-com millionaires who have little to no experience with big-money budgeting nor women. That's where Dennis T. Thomas, Founder, SMC, comes in. According to an ad placed in the Bay Guardian, Dennis will "take you to a world where everything you ever dreamed of in a woman comes true ... I personally take you to Europe first class & put you into the arms of a super babe! who will absolutely fufill every fantasy you ever thought of & a few you haven't! I'll be your personal coach, guide, protector, valet, counselor, and teacher. European Supermodel Tours start at 50k ... I specialize in really shy, computer geek types."

A few notes. First, the website "requires" Internet Explorer ‒ I can't even see the site with Netscape or Opera (what is this, 1996?). Our geeky rich friend will be taken to Amsterdam, land of women-for-sale ‒ I wonder if perhaps these are the "super babes" of which he speaks? Lastly, he'll be your valet? What, can't he spread a little of the 50k around? [special thanks to Half a Monkey]

2000dec22. SF Weekly: More Santa Shooting w/Nightcrawler

2000dec22. VanSantaCon 2000 ‒ Vancouver's Santarchy event.