2017 items of note: This entire website (cardhouse.com) was re-vamped the months of June and July. Old renovations were ripped out, now it skews more toward what it looked like originally besides this unifying header/footer junk.
Another rich asshole hunts tigers.
B. A. Stephens Catalogue of Billiard and Bar Supplies, Saloon Fittings, Furniture and General Information Comprising The Latest Recipes and Directions for Mixing and Serving Drinks, Preparing Manufacturing Beverages, Rules for Cards, Billiards, and Popular Games, together with other Miscellaneous Statistics, Facts and Information, and a Complete Line of Goods used in the Billiard and Saloon Business (1894).
If I ever write a thing the title will be longer than that.
Bowman Gum "Fight The Red Menace" (1951)
Cardhouse Ro-Bot Flailing Armatures GmbH Presents: Cardhouse Ro-Bot Tiny Ro-Bot In The Big City What Could Go Wrong Weblog State Of The Weblog Situation 2017.
The whole annoying thing with the weblog starting at the bottom was because I was working on something that would allow me to link images from post to post to make a long strip of something, and, well, that's how reading works: from top to bottom (NEWSFLASH). So the last entry, chronologically, should go on the bottom. But that became too annoying even for me so we're back to what the other 99.9% of websites look like. Speaking of non-standard flow -- remember those side-scrolling websites from back in the day? Oh the times. The frazzled archives are still in date order ("latest-last") because sure.
Also this whole thing was supposed to be a big project wherein I was going to offer up weblog creation as a service to the randos of the world for some cheap price, but there were so many things about your modern-day weblog construction assumption set I would immediately veto ‒ Facebook integration being #1 with a bullet ‒ and so many things I didn't feel like implementing. It seemed obvious that it would only sell approximately 17 seats and would not be worth the ridiculous amount of time I've already put into it, not mentioning the time required to maintain/improve said system. Why I remember when a weblog was just a message you changed every so often on your home page and it wasn't called a weblog yet and no one was on the web not even Google. November 1994, let's say. Hi. Hello [FX: olds]. I remember when "Fragment Identifiers" were inventorated and I threw my bowl of artisanal chili puffs at the wall and shouted "HASHTAGS AT THE END OF URLS POINTING INSIDE THE DOCUMENT??? WHEN DOES THIS MADNESS END?? FUCK THIS I'M OUT OF HERE" And I left the web and never returned. Also, one less bowl of chili puffs in my tum-tum: a nation weeps.
It is always a relief when I finally decide to back-burner, kill, or seriously reduce the scope of a long-standing and heavy-ass project that seems to be treading water or trundling backward. This one has been around in different forms for a serious number of years. Don't worry though, I've got plenty of other back-breaking long-term projects that are now happily oozing into the now-empty space. FedScrapo, the thing with the wheel, Phil v6.3, the Elsewhere Philatelic Society, the thing with the handle, the street art, the unspecified topic of a project bolus of almost two decades of intermittent labor, the learning, always learning, and the forgetting. So much forgetting. Also I think I'm supposed to earn money somehow. Don't really have a line on that. Right now all I have is my side job counselling fishing lures.
Of course this decision is accompanied by a change (the "I give up" revision) to the weblog project itself; pages load much faster now. I'm back to dealing with the eternal agonies of CSS. I thought I could hold out until something better came along but that's clearly never going to happen. We can kill Flash but not CSS? Future features are going to be easier to add, blah, bloo, not that you will ever know the struggle (the struggle). It helped to stop thinking of the weblog in terms of a big ole' bear and start thinking of it like an octopus. You get what I mean? Like a bear-octopus, but mostly an octopus. So ... octopus-bear. Squirm squirm rarrr, not rarrrr rarrr squirm. I'm not good with the tech terms, I just mostly slam the keyboard randomly to "program" the computer and hope for the best.
I don't want a lot out of life right now: sushi once a week; a fully-functioning wood shop; a practical dead-simple weblog creator that is uniquely keyed to my esoteric requirements; a machine to shoot a ping-pong ball at my head on the hour wherever I am. Not while I sleep, don't be ridiculous.
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John Smyth catalog "Hussar" model bicycle (1914).
Your attractant is not busy enough. Aside: is that the KLF?
Let's Talk: Language For Meaning. McKee/Harrison (1947). A child drew arms on the dolls and added flowers growing out of the pots. The dolls were missing arms because.
About two months back I made a short note about wanting a "can of toys" from the Japanese confectionery company Morinaga. Here now, in response to the deluge of cards and letters for more details: more details.
Chocoball is a chocolate-peanut candy available in a small box. According to the Morinaga website: "Kyoro-chan, adorns every package of CHOCOBALL with his signature large beak. Children and adults alike love this popular character who has been the mascot for CHOCOBALL since 1967 and has appeared in commercials, promotional materials and his own cartoon series. [...] The cardboard packaging dispenses each individual piece of candy through an original beak-shaped opening, adding to the enjoyment of CHOCOBALL and honoring its long-standing mascot, Kyoro-chan, the animated bird."
The promotion itself started almost a year ago. Purchase a box of delicious Chocoballs, check the flap for a little angel figurine. According to the faq, get five silver ones or one gold one, and send it along to "PO Box 123 No. Chen Zhen Branch of Japan Post Ueno Branch 110 ‒ 8691." I love the little graphic showing you how to see if you're a winner. The whole thing is printed on one sheet so it totally knows if I'm a winner or not. [FX: box shrugs] "Dunno, man. Good luck."
Additionally, three associated videos were created at the start of the campaign with an older gentleman dropping shade on a toy can wanter girl.
I don't know who the guy is. Maybe the CEO? He also appears in still images with the can of toys on the website. [FX: One research later] It's Kenichi Endo.
I purchased two CHOCOBALL packages and currently my angel tally is zero gold angels, and zero silver angels. I stacked the two empty packages on a shelf to use as an ersatz earthquake detector. Every day I'm getting closer to my goal. This can of toys will solve all of my problems. I can feel it.
Secret Grandma returns in 2017 with another 87 episodes this July. Will Hector unravel the true identity of Secret Grandma? Will Lila get the job promotion? What about Big Ted, what's his deal? Tune in to Secret Grandma, the only unscripted reality show where the secret is "SECRET GRANDMA." Secret Grandma: Sometimes Secrets Are SECRET
Let's run the numbers on the earlier Chocoball giveway post. Here's an enterprising gentleman who went and purchased 1000 Chocoball packages to determine exactly what the odds are of winning, and to get his hands on a buncha cans.
Skipping to the end, he ended up with two gold angels and 40 silver angels, for a total of ten cans. Ten cans out of a thousand means as an average, every 100 purchases of Chocoball Chocolate Bird Doots has enough angel-unlocking power to get one can. The FAQ for the giveaway indicates that 10000 cans a month are sent out. Applying increasingly-shaky math, that means Morinaga is moving approximately twelve million Chocoball packages a year. This is a minimal estimate; the number of people who have angels but are not redeeming them is unknown.
Is that a lot of Chocoball to be selling in a year? Twelve million? I don't know how any of this works to be honest. I just want a t-shirt of Kyoro-chan just like how the bird is on the package, with the white outline. Black t-shirt. Do people still wear white t-shirts? Occasionally they do produce t-shirts but most of them don't have the zazz and I've never actually crossed paths with any of them. I should just make my own. Get what CBS Problems This Morning recently called a "Decease and Desist" when referring to a bloated coal executive sending a mash note to This Week Tonight.
Yazoo documentary [37min].
While I'm revamping most of the website, I have created a sort of potpourri page of Cardhouse/web history over at this page. Found a perfect copy of the website from 1999 on a CDR, I had no idea it was floating around. It's got links, splash screens, tiny stupid web buttons. You're really missing out and all your friends are going. There's going to be drinks and light entertainment. Someone will be pushed into a pool but it will not be calculated, it will be totally spontaneous.
Bonita Bar Heavenly Hash trade card. Tell me, what have you learned about Bonita Heavenly Hash? Name an ingredient. One. Some modern-day candy bars contain a small percentage of previously-rejected bars so nothing goes to waste. I get the feeling that Bonita set aside an entire GOOD EATING CANDY PRODUCT for their rejects. Should have just called it "Sweepings." Part of the famous dime line.
As I mentioned earlier, I'm working through the Cardhouse archives to make the site a little more palatable to my dedicated 17 readers. I found this screenshot of Alexa.com's new-for-1999 feature that would allow advertisers to advertise on sites that didn't allow advertising. It was a holy war back then. Sites that injected advertising, sites that enveloped your site into a frame, on and on.
I end up seeing the "raw" web with advertising etc once every six months or so and it's always a tiny bit of a shock. Well, at least we don't have to worry about Alexa injecting ads into anything anymore.
"Alexa, what time does the trash truck come so I know when to put you out on the curb?"
Occasionally my image disgorger program spits out accidentally meaningful random pairs.
What football will look like in the future. Set aside a nice chunk of time for this one. This is the most important link you will visit in 2017 (thanks Jon!).
IT IS THE SECOND HISTORICAL HISTORY ARTICLE OF WEB/CARDHOUSE HISTORY TIEM
I have spent what investigators have called "a bone-chilling, flabbergasting" amount of time fixing the Cardhouse weblog pages. I have "revamped" the weblog, removing all previous attempts to modernize it. Now older pages look approximately like they did before ... but centered, with underlining removed, and a little bit of grammar/layout clean-up. The Cardhouse weblog now consists of 27 pages. That's highly-concentrated value, right there. "It's so easy!" "So convenient ..." "So crisp." No one links to weblogs any more, so why waste the time with individual entry pages. There are unique links to each entry if you need to link to something. You do not.
I got some comments about the last historical history post I made, about those ancient little buttons everyone used to make for the sites back in the stone age. "Hey, those buttons, those were different." So you like the little buttons, do ya now. Well, how about a bunch of Cardhouse weblog buttons. How about that.
There. You like buttons so much. Swim. Swim in the buttons! Each year of the weblog is now one page with a header and a tiny goddamn throwback button you can put in your pocket and feed tiny bits of egg from time to time. The button has a strange diet. That's what the pet store said to give it, I don't get it either.
That's right, each button is a year. Each button is one page. Yes. A button ... is a page ... is a year. You can click forward and backward on the big images on top of the pages ... that are years. "But it takes long to load." Go grab a snack. Get off DSL. Wait a few years for technology to catch up.
Also perhaps you have noticed how over the past 27 years or so I have matured quite a bit ‒ whereas before I would go "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! SOME BIT OF NON-IMPORTANT CULTURAL DETRITUS I WILL OVER-EMPHASIZE!!!!!!" now I'm all "Here's an image. Knock yourself out, I'm going to go take a nap in the back." I have even noticed myself, and I'm me. Anyway, de-emphasis on input (political/cultural spew), over-emphasis on output (the Elsewhere Philatelic Society, other various projects).
For those of you just tuning in, Cardhouse started in 1990 as the backing organization for X Magazine. The Cardhouse website started on or before November 27 of 1994. The Cardhouse.com domain started August 1 1997. The weblog itself, that's more of a mystery. I remember churning through small entries on the home page which were not archived around 1996, and I started answering email there around the end of that year. The term "weblog" was coined by Jorn Barger with the start of Robot Wisdom weblog on 17 December 1997. I don't know how many people were making weblog-like constructs back then; what I do know is that most of them are gone, including Barger. Most everything is gone. I didn't go through every link, but I checked a large number of them and I'd say 97.3% of them are dead. I didn't search for them, most of the time, so maybe they exist on some other website. No, just kidding, you know 90% of that 97.3% is totally missing. People are gone, products are gone, art collectives are gone, institutions are gone, Elizabeth Hurley's guilt-free air-dried organic silverside beef jerky snack packs are gone. That funny service-sector weblog? Yeah, that's definitely gone. So if you like something out there ... save it to your local drive now. Because it will die.
I was going to write a big entry about how I've spent the last month waiting for a store to re-open that sold Chocoballs and how I contacted the distributor but they wouldn't tell me where else I could buy Chocoballs except for their website which has a minimum charge of $25 along with $10 shipping but I went to the store today now that they are open again (stores close for a month all the time around here, it's a ghost town, even the hospitals) and they did not know what Chocoballs were and also did not have them.
The Soothing Sounds Of Alcatraz
Fidget spinner cigarette lighter. Still looking for a fidget spinner AM radio egg timer. If you see one, let me know in the comments section below.
To wrap up the last month of Cardhouse-On-Cardhouse coverage, please take a look at our disappointing child safety score. We apologize to all of our child viewers. The hordes. Of children. Children would you like to buy a fidget spinner. It has a cigarette lighter. Children.
The store that used to sell the Chocoballs and then did not sell Chocoballs is now selling Chocoballs at HALF OFF because they're clearing the decks for new Chocoballs or they're just getting rid of Chocoballs. So I bought ten packs and got z-e-r-0 angels which means my dream of a can of toys is dying in front of me much like a dying toy can dream but at least I got a $50 parking ticket. When one door closes on your face, another opens on your face. As solace, I will make a t-shirt with the Chocoball mascot and the can of toys and a big "WANT" above it. Yes. Working on that ... now.
A look now at some of the TOTALLY EXTREME PRODUCTS registered under the X-TREMELY creative trademark name "X-Treme":
X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 034. US 002 008 009 017. G & S: CIGAR CUTTERS, CIGAR CARRYING CASES, AND HUMIDORS. FIRST USE: 20081031. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20081031
X-TREME IC 020. US 002 013 022 025 032 050. G & S: Polyester resin anchor for use in rock stabilization. FIRST USE: 20120625. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20120625
X-TREME (CANCELLED) IC 017. US 001 005 012 013 035 050. G & S: Plastic film, web or sheet material for agricultural and horticultural applications; plastic film for mulching
X-TREME IC 012. US 019 021 023 031 035 044. G & S: MANUALLY OPERATED NON-MOTORIZED AGRICULTURAL GRAIN CARTS FOR TRANSPORTING AND DUMPING GRAIN FOR FARM RELATED USE ONLY AND NOT ON RAILROADS. FIRST USE: 20090901. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20100524
X-TREME IC 016. US 002 005 022 023 029 037 038 050. G & S: Garbage bags of plastic. FIRST USE: 20090713. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20090713
X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 028. US 022 023 038 050. G & S: non-metal, water-tight containers for outdoor recreational use. FIRST USE: 20060430. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20060501
X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 009. US 021 023 026 036 038. G & S: Protection equipment to prevent falls, namely, harnesses, belts, vests, anchorage ropes, energy absorbers and special protection stilts
X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 010. US 026 039 044. G & S: Catheters; Medical guidewires
[SFX: GUITAR WHEEDLY] TOTALLY ... X-TREME!!!!!!!
Australasian Confectioner and Soda Fountain Journal July 1930.
Art sometimes surprises us with what a huge load of shit it can be. The Venn diagram for this is empty now, but wait until all of those street art lovers turn 60. Just wait.
Could this be farther from street art? Neon / mirror / collectible plate. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PROCESS
Now if he had gone and glued all the plates to an alley wall, then, mayb ‒ no. Still no.
Here is another big fat surprise ... the art at the artist's Pure Evil Gallery is crammed with the top end of dead pop culture icons tweaked a tiny bit. But that's actually what 30% of street art is now. What if Mickey Mouse had a gun. What if Cinderella had a gun. What if Elvis looked like he was crying but not really because that does not look like tears. Dig deeper, maybe, or even ... draw ... something ... yourself.
1963 series of space-themed trading cards issued by Topps. On the front, photos provided courtesy of NASA. On the back, images of frighteningly-realistic space situations that came at you in a newly-developed "third dimensional" technology. How do the bug creatures of Venus handle the extreme atmospheric pressure? Hardy exoskeletons, of course.
Hi hello! The building I live in changed owners and the new owners are giving us all 30 days to pack up and leave starting now. I myself am looking for a housemate-type situation in the bay area of California. I do not have pets, nor do I smoke, nor do I have smoking pets. If you have any leads, please contact me at [do not contact me now] ...
Jack Confectionery Co., Ltd. Silver Cream.
I have secured a location in the bay area for my meatself and am in the process of moving to it over the next week or so. It's accompanied by a general sort of endless nauseous feeling, because it's clear I hit the apogee of my bay area living experience years ago. I can't keep up with all the exciting rocket-like innovations in pricing with this area, so instead of waiting for dotbombv2.0 to wave off the hordes of Uhaul trucks clogging up East 580, I'll be the one leaving. A year, two years. Find some cheap property, cram a cabin into a hillside, grow a long beard, get off my land, die. Dude still owes me five bucks, I'm taking this hammer and the big Faile book.
Message sent to friends:
MY PAIN IS YOUR GAIN
Tiny Target Jr is giving out gift bags today because I don't know why even though at least two of the products make reference to the school year? It's November? I don't want:
+ Justin's Almond Butter
+ One small stick of Trident gum (come on Trident)
+ Ibuprofen PM 80 caplets (compare to active ingredients in Advil(R) PM Caplets)
+ Dentek Triple Clean Floss Picks (3)
+ Pantene Hair Spray (1 oz)
+ Hask Argan Oil (from Morocco(R)) "Repairing Deep Conditioner" (1.75 oz)
+ St. Ives Apricot Scrub (1 oz)
+ Acure Foam Cleansing Gel (1 fl. oz.)
+ Herbal Essences bio:renew argan oil (FROM MOROCCO AGAIN!(R)) (1.4 fl. oz.)
+ Coupon for One (1) FREE Sparkling Ice(R)
+ Not The Candy I Took The Candy
+ Axe Daily Fragrance PHOENIX PROJECT 2000 (1 oz.)
+ Axe Body Wash PHOENIX PROJECT 2000 (3 fl. oz.)
+ Also I took the two "Acroball PURE WHITE" pens even though they're "BLACK ADVANCED INK" (it's like ink but it's more)
+ Target-branded Target Bag From Target
so if you want then that
HOT TRENZ: ARGAN OIL; MOROCCO
hahahaa "Mrs. Thinster's Cookie Thins Chocolate Chip"
"best by 9/21/17"
I'm UNLOCKING THE SECRETS OF THE GIFT BAG
it's like i go into stores w/this glazed-over post-capitalist zombie look and they smell fear now
"No ... TAKE THIS EXPIRED GIFT BAG"
if i die arrest mrs. thinster
Saw a video the other day that was centered around a taste-test of a clear pumpkin pie. I didn't actually watch the video, I saw the thumbnail. I tend to avoid online videos because 90% of them seem to be comprised of n white dudes who would have been obnoxious coke-addled DJs if computer technology hadn't come along to save them.
I think this pumpkin pie heralds a future innovation no one is talking about: clear skin. See-through. You take a pill, a day later you can see inside you.
I'd do it, being able to self-monitor your organs overrides any sort of negative consequences, like other people being able to see your organs.
Cashbox, November 20 1948. My favorite sub-heading of all time for many reasons. Abbreviating "equipment" in the middle of of a sub-head without any sense of restraint, the presence of the word "stymie," the earnest reporter digging up ENEMIES OF SHUFFLEBOARD, etc. Now the entirety of shuffleboard as a concept occupies that tiny space in your memory devoted to seeing an Armstrong(R) Standard Shuffleboard Flooring Insert Kit on the floor of the rec center when you were ten years old.
I get anywhere from 0-3 robocalls a day, because some asshole left my number instead of her own with 10+ car dealerships when test-driving new SUVs. The program(s) these robots are using believe that the incoming number should be EXTREMELY local, so that the prefix (first three numbers) is the same as mine.
I'm very tempted to block the entire 10000-number list of all the numbers with the same prefix, but there's no automatic way to do that.
I'm sure that's going to be an option on a smartphone in 2097 or so.
I made the mistake I make every three years and I forget to bunker down for the holidays, wandering with no defenses into a concentrated capitalist zone or two. I do remember to buy an egg nog unit for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas, so I should probably come up with some mnemonic to tie the two together. This year, I scheduled an eyeball examination at a large consumer warehouse because I like to get my optics checked while buying a steamer trunk's worth of "THE ULTIMATE FISH STICK" and whatever Hummus Pods are. The test came with a two-pupil dilation this time, so I got to wander around the brightly-lit aisles flinching at the lights, trying to focus on tiny product type exhortations ("NOW 30% MORE REVERSE-GRANULATED!!!"). The first thing I tried to read was a urinal mat (in the bathroom, not on sale in a convenient 144-pack variety), but it was printed in the icon-based Symbol typeface. "Wow, this eye shit is powerful stuff." In a confused state, I wandered up to various groups of people pushing around giant shopping carts, whispering "I am a pallet, choose me" and "be my eyes, daddy." Bulk consumers enjoy levity during the stressful holiday season. They are now selling cases upon cases of bottles of Mexican Coke with sugar right next to cases upon cases of cans of United Statesan Coke with HFCS (I've seen purported "Mexican Coke" that used HFCS in the past), I reported in an attempt to provide you with at least one interesting nugget of information if you drink Coke; nowadays I don't drink non-alcoholic brown fluids. To top things off, I went for a quick test ride on the Orbio T17 ECH20 Heavy Duty Battery Rider Scrubber and Harnessed the Power of Oxygenated Micro Bubbles. Daily driver, or just for recreation, the T17 does it all! [Product endorsement paid for]