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2001 2003 Default


jan feb mar apr may jun jul aug sep oct nov dec

Above: toothpicks.

2002 items of note: Hard Things In Soft Things Manifesto / Domo-kun / Niko-niko Punsuka Hamuemon / Speedpool2

January 2002.

2002jan01. Hess's Pool Table Problem involving the Coriolis force. Ummm, obviously not real world.

2002jan01. Monkey Pool.

2002jan01. Analysis of San-X Characters, Including Lazy Panda Zombie and Butt Turnip. [via geegaw i think]


Merci d'utiliser ce formulaire pour faire part de cas de spam et de messages non sollicités au Support Utilisateurs Yahoo! France.


3. Complétez le corps du message.


Greeting of the day. I know quite well that this my business proposal must surely come to you as a surprise. Nevertheless, this world is a very small place and it does not take ages to know someone especially when God is on one’s side.

I am Jean Paul, I work with the Federal Ministry of Health, Cote D’ Ivoire. The federal government of Cote D’ Ivoire give us $ 250.000.000M. for the buying of Hospital Equipments, and I am appointed to see about the supply and the payment of the contractors that will supply the Hospital Equipment.

On this note, this is a business between me and you, now you are to contract an attorney here in Africa or else where and your attorney should not know that this a business between me and you for the security of this business. The attorney should only know that you are supplying the federal government Hospital Equipment, that is all. And I will be feeding you with the information’s that the attorney will be working with, but you have to let me know the name of the attorney.

Now this is the need for the attorney, once you are not here in Africa, by telling him that you had about supplying of Hospital Equipment to our federal government, and that you are in better position to supply the Hospital Equipment, as an attorney he will be there for us to use him and make money.

Now have in mind that I be giving you the information’s on what the attorney will be doing for us. After your contacting of the attorney, you now have to apply for the supply through your attorney, now my office have to tell your attorney the type of Equipment we need, and immediately after that you have to provide to us through your attorney the pricelist, which I will tell you the price that you are going to provide to my office. Then I am there to approved for your supply, then immediately, you will now ask for the payment for your immediately supply through your attorney and at the same time your attorney have to provide us your bank account where I am paying $ 50.000.000M into your account as your contract sum. And then come down to meet you for my own money.

This is how the money will be shared, you are having 40% of the $ 50.000.000M and 5% for the payment of the attorney and also any expenses incurred at the cost of this business, on the both side and 55% for me.

Please, this business needs urgent , because in the next two weeks this money have to be into your account, because we are paying the other contractors the same time. Also bear in mind that is business is 100% free risk, once I am there in the office to take care of everything.

Hoping for the best co-operation.


Jean Paul.


5. Commentaires supplémentaires :

Ce treillis Paul, il me brûle vraiment vers le haut, savez-vous? C'est un vieux scam qui a commencé au Nigéria, voient ici: / ... est euro tanking là-bas que rapide, ou ce qui?

John Lastnameski, Merci de vos commentaires !

2002jan02. Bush's Racial Coup D'Etat and Intel Shutdown. [via stay free!]

2002jan02. Domokun and Friend Go Drinking. [via molly]

2002jan03. I am now accepting donations of e-gold. Let the golding ... commence!

2002jan04. Mail. From someone else.

Abidjan-COTE D’IVOIRE Tel: (225) 05092635


Dear Sir,

I know this letter will definitely come to you as a surprise. I came across your contact here from the chamber of commerce, where I ran into a friend who recommended you to be capable of assisting me. I am interested in transferring US$42,000,000.00 (forty two million dollars) to your account for investment purposes, if mostly you can support me and give me your account details. I am JOHN OKOBA the son of the late Sierra-Leone chairman of Gold / Diamond Mining Corporation who was assassinated in December 1998 in the height of the conflict between rebel and ...


2002jan04. First I was parking the car in MyTown. But someone put sugar in my gas tank, and later someone stole some money out of the ashtray. It wasn't like the good ole' days back in EarthquakeTown and people were smashing the window and trying to break into the trunk. I live on the border of MyTown and TheOtherRichTown, so I figured I'd park there. One day, a resident said I had left my car there two weeks; it was actually two days. Then the police started cracking down on all the bright little people from MyTown who got the idea to park in TheOtherRichTown. I left the car on the street overnight and there was a big placard on it the next day that said if you leave your car parked in the same place for seventy-two hours, well then, it's going to be towed. Seventy-two big ones, very generous. So everyone went back to parking in MyTown. Well, now, in MyTown, they've got those street-sweeping rules for the non-existent street sweeper. It's a fun game where you pretend the street gets sweeped every week, because the signs clearly read "street sweeping" and why would they say that if it wasn't true? But the sign was gone, and the pole was bent down to the ground, so who knew? Not me. Got a ticket, twenty bucks. Paid the ticket ‒ it's also an envelope, so everyone can see your name, address, license plate number, etc. MyTown is just sort of coming into its own, town-wise, so they outsource their ticket-processing. The ticket went to TheOtherAdjacentTown, where it was processed, and then for some ungodly reason it went to Orange, California which is far, far away. So far! So by then I had really paid the living hell out of the ticket, but you can see that the system is built for maximum delay so all of these outsourcers can send out more envelopes so they get more money ‒ after it hit Orange, I'm sure it went to India where some 10-year-old kid matched two pieces of paper, manufacturered a staple, put it all together and then sent it back. Orange UberTicketProcessing sent out a notice saying that if I hadn't paid by January 2 the ticket would then magically upgrade and cost $62. So they sent that notice to me, but then the mailman put it in the wrong slot, and the guy who got it was on vacation and/or used it as a drink coaster and then finally put it in my mailbox January 3rd. So I jumped around for about twenty minutes and then called the 800 number (theory: China; prisoners) where I was able to determine that the ticket had been paid. Then I got another ticket. The end.

2002jan05. Yvan eht nioj ... yvan eht nioj ...

2002jan06. Re-ordered corporate logos.

2002jan07. Estate Sale, Estate Sale! Oh, it's an estate sale. I did some ebay speculation again. I hate when I do that. Yeah, I only spend three or four dollars (in this case, on an old backgammon set), and I only do it with stuff that I've seen that's "hot," but then I never put the damn thing up for auction. And it sits there. I mean, really ... backgammon. Who the hell wants to play that? Go, chess, naughts and crosses, sure. Anyway, we went into the garage and there was the time machine.

No, really. I was sure of it. It was a wooden cabinet, chest high, sort of minimalistic, with a few flourishes here and there. The top was angled, like a lectern. It had a boss clock, right in the center, because that's what time machines have. Various knobs and such. Drawers.

Or electrolysis machines. Yeah, the drawers were sick with Electrolysis 1954 mini-magazines. But I could just chisel off the front panel that said "Electroylsis Machine" or whatever, and change that, and wham, I've got my own time machine. Maybe I could use it to go back to the dotcom heyday and scam a quick $175 out of a gullible VC to pay for it.

I couldn't take the chance on being rejected, so I just slunk to the cashier with my backgammon set. Everytime I buy something from these estate sale people, something funny happens. This time, my change was ten dollars short. Ha ha. Always funny. I held tight onto that twenty until I saw some more Abes comin' out of that till. Can't be shortin' me Abes in this economy. Which, according to economists, is picking up. You betcha. Gimme my damned time machine.

2002jan08. So I was watching the news today and this penguin is ordering pancakes from a dog. And this little penguin keeps on asking for more food. More syrup, more pancakes, and the dog obliges him. Then after the penguin eats all the pancakes, he runs away without paying. Man, I hope they catch that fucking penguin.

2002jan08. A special message to Joseph Crosby: The internet is like quicksand. The more you struggle, the worse it's going to get, Joseph Crosby of the DoubleTree Club Hotel Houston. Joseph Crosby, Joseph Crosby. [Message repeats]

2002jan10. Foreigner's Guide to America by That Guy From Rotodesign

2002jan10. Wow. They've finally done it. We can now send people into the fourth dimension. This is truly a scientific breakthrough, though there doesn't seem to be much in the way of technical information offered. It is also extreme.

2002jan11. Catbot sings the "Sillyduck" song [via excitementmachine]

2002jan19. Ten years after blowing the temporal doors off of standard billiards, I can finally bring you the true story of Speedpool2.

2002jan20. Font ... hurts brain ...

2002jan22. I have remained, for the last week, at least one click away from a free Mercedes. I have always had an abundance of self-control in these types of matters.

2002jan24. Cockeyed Laboratories needs YOUR assistance with a new prank.

2002jan26. A fantastic NY Times blow-out thing on time capsules. [via boingboing]

2002jan29. German weblog pushed through a translator.

Is Pool Billiard too boring? He whom Carambole is not too demanding, Snooker too heavily, 8-ball too slow and 9-ball aggressive enough, that should try once SPEEDPOOL2. 2 players play would bark simultaneously on respectively 7 and also otherwise gibts only very little rules. The entire becomes probably more the contact sport and leads tried guaranteed so one to the Rausschmiß it not on the domestic table. I schieb rather further a quiet ball in a cultivated party 8-Ball. (Martin, it becomes wiedermal time! The Balabushka be already oiled!)

2002jan29. MNFTIU.

2002jan30. GM funds GM-monitoring activists.

February 2002.

2002feb01. Today is February 1st, 2002.

2002feb01. Wiarton Willie will be a-lookin' for his shadow there tomorrow. "Wiarton Willie has decreed that everyone should have a little Willie in their life!" I don't think the webmaster at is taking the job seriously enough. For you Speedpool2 fans, "Wunderlich Billiards has developed a white Wiarton Willie Pool Cue." [via molly]

2002feb03. KELP CAM

2002feb03. Apparently the Simpsons didn't make enough bank shilling for C. C. Lemon to return home from Japan. In that one episode remember?

2002feb03. Here's a television ad for Morinaga's "Ice Guy" frozen delicacy. I think there is a secret message, though. I might be wrong. (Quicktime, probably not safe for workies)

2002feb03. 52 celebrity Q-n-As: Is There A God? (old)

2002feb03. My eyeballs are really drying out today. Soon they will dangle from the sockets, and I will have to (gently!) pick them up to look anywhere but downward. I could make one eyeball look at the other eyeball! I could put on a play! I could look deep into my own eye sockets! Anything is possible in the world of dangling eyeballs.

2002feb07. Fake sushi article. From 2000.

2002feb08. I'm going to be at APE this year, wandering around. So if you see a guy, just sort of looking at stuff, that would be me. 1-4pm, Saturday. Wandering.

2002feb08. Mail.

Feh. That fake sushi place hasn't got anything on

FAX FOODS. Not only does Fax Foods have a broader selection, but they also offer a glossy full-color catalog (which I can personally recommend) for all your plastifood browsing needs.



2002feb08. ABCNEWS reports on the recent hemp foods ban by the FDA. The accompanying photo mistakenly features at least one product that is not banned ‒ Nature's Path Hemp Plus waffles, which have no THC. That's even stressed in the article ‒ the confusion between "all hemp foods" and "hemp foods with THC." I've been trying to find these bad boys all over the Bay Area, no luck. Hemp seed gets you yer Omega3/6 "essential fatty acids" ‒ not like that nasty-ass partially hydrogenated soybean oil that's in, oh, just about every product at your local multinational supermarket. [via doc]

2002feb08. J. Otto in Detroit. Nice painted-on Pocky box, etc. This will take a long time to load if your connection takes a long time to load things. He will be appearing in San Francisco, or is there now, or really, the gallery is probably closed, but actually it's six, so maybe not, so he's there but not there at the same time. [via nelo]

2002feb12. Mail.

if you're really serious about your hemp waffles, we have them up here at Whole Foods in Petaluma. i wanted to buy them, my wife made me put them back. she said they are a gateway food or something.

yowza - dave

2002feb13. Ebay: Bjork's first album. Age 11.

2002feb14. This Olympic weblog is my only exposure to the Olympics thus far, and it's perfect. It's just what I'm looking for in an Olympic weblog. I award you, Olympic weblog, the GOLD!!!! ALSO THE OTHER TWO METALS!!! [wipes away tiny tear]

2002feb14. Cockeyed: How much is inside an order of fries?.

2002feb16. Ask Doctor Bible. See if you can figure out which one I wrote.

2002feb17. Cube Twistin' on Happy Family Plan.

2002feb18. Don't forget to watch Evan Dorkin/Sarah Dyer's "Eltingville" cartoon! (March 3rd, 11pm, Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim") More information here.


2002feb26. One of the floats for the Chinese New Year parade in San Francisco featured a sort of barnyard "pen" with people dressed up as what appeared to be the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac. In the middle of all this frolicking was a taller man with shocking red hair dressed as a scary clown with an ugly yellow jumpsuit. There were a lot of fireworks, so I couldn't really hear a lot of what was going on, but I swear I heard a loudspeaker coming from the float that blared "Come on down to McDonald's and taste these delicious animals for yourself! Smile, consumers!" Then we got trapped in the crowd and I had to punch my way out. "Happy New Year!" Sock. "Very happiest of new years!" Uppercut. "A year of prosperity unto your house!" Jab. But seriously, the best way to see a parade is to start at the end of the parade route and then when the parade gets to you to start walking very fast to the beginning of the parade route so you see everything in one-tenth the time. "Band, band, military band, dancers, band, military band, second wave of massive Ford banners, cute kids running around in horse costumes, band, fireworks, dragon, military band, third Ford wave, military band, stupid TV station on-screen talking heads on crappy fake cable car, military band, dancing kids, fireworks, dragon with cool eyes, military band ... "

2002feb26. Mighty Girl at the Olympics, on Mormons, magnometers, etc.

2002feb27. Evan Dorkin interview discussing "Eltingville" (part one, part two) [via signalstation]

March 2002.

2002mar01. jwz on webcasting at DNA

2002mar04. Netochka Nezvanova.

2002mar05. Car & Driver review of Cadillac's Obesemaster5000 [via metafilter]

2002mar06. Okay, this isn't a joke, this is important. Tomorrow's guest ... on Martha Stewart Living ... is ... is ... COOKIE MONSTER!!!!!! This is gonna be better'n Fear on SNL ...

2002mar07. I have two suits. I used to have three suits. I gave away one suit about three years ago. I just discovered, yesterday, that when I gave away that suit, I also gave away the pants to the other two suits. It's probably going to count against me in job interviews, but at least we'll both be able to avoid that embarrassing boxer/brief question.

2002mar07. Mail.

Patent & Trade Mark Attorneys

Dear Sir(s),

We take liberty to introduce ourselves that we deal in intellectual property rights.

In the present era of globalization, you may wish to market your products in INDIA and would like to seek statutory registration in INDIA and to seek proper protection of your intellectual property rights through legal proceedings.

In case you feel so interested you may contact us for the purpose and we assure you our sincere services at reasonable professional charges.

Please do not delay and let us protect your Rights well in time.

Thanking you and assuring you our best co-operation at all times.




Please Contact at : [user1 email] or [user2 email]

Hello, and good welcome, Rector Company!

I have recently received your email via my lovely website. I am now responding to that email. I have CCed [user2 email] per your email instructions.

Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to tell you to cram your entire company up your ass. Now, the problem here is that this message is going out to _two_ of you, so you're going to have to split the company in half. I suggest that the more senior of the two of you take on most of the physical aspects of your corporation (buildings, vehicles, etc), whereas the junior member would cram most of the logistical and non-material holdings up his (or her) ass (marketing, the idea that I'd be remotely interested securing the services of a patent lawyer in fucking INDIA, etc). I don't have any damned products to market in INDIA and if I did have some products to market in INDIA I'm pretty sure I'd go to an INDIAN phone book and pick someone out of there. I mean, except for the RECTOR COMPANY which seems to be having a little problem (here I mime the universal symbol for drunkenness [the "tipping the invisibile bottle back while making a 'gluck-gluck' noise" gesture]) with unsolicited, horrifically useless email.


2002mar08. Domokun ("Mr. Ferocious"(?)) is a small brown open-mouthed monster hatched from an egg who lives with a wise old rabbit underground. He really, really likes TV and also enjoys rocking out to Guitar Wolf. NHK created a series of Domokun stop-animation vignettes that exude personal charm and warmth. You can read more about each of the characters here. Some of the vignettes are available on the web (try or if you've limited bandwidth/time):

Several Domokun MOV files.
Several Domokun AVI files.

There are more Domokun links here.

2002mar09. Mail.

i am a sex habitual can u help me to face this saituation.
i alwats think of sex
i wanna fuck u
r u ready
so plz mail me.
my mobile no is [out-of-country number]
plzzzzzzzzzz contact me immediately

This is a difficult saituation that all of us have faced, at one time or another. Who among us hasn't alwats thought of sex? R any of us really "ready"? Your thoughts r alwats appreciated.

2002mar11. I forgot this Domokun page which has some excellent postcards and all the animations crammed into one file.

2002mar12. The Tip Jar is up to $3.38!!! I am going to go buy a fish sammich now.

2002mar12. I am gearing up for the 7th anniversary of the debut of this website on the web. It's March 20th. There will be at least cake, maybe some ice cream. Watch for it.

2002mar14. NYT (mar 3): Singer of 1959 version of "Po Lazarus" on "O Brother, Where Art Thou" soundtrack found.

2002mar15. Salon: Bill Hicks.

2002mar15. McSweeney's: Elizabeth Miller's Dad in the U.P.

2002mar16. New Yorker: Tokyo street fashion. $400 for a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

2002mar17. Mouse

2002mar17. Online Japanese games are like two games in one. First, you have to figure out what the scratch is going on, then you can try to "win." Here's a boatload of shockwave games.

2002mar19. Mail from Misterpants.

I think the contestants are actually dressed as hamsters. I see the katakana for "hamu" in the screengrab you have on your site, and also their coloring makes me think hamsters. but i could be wrong.

No, that's right ... that's why I was staring at one of the animated graphics, thinking "something's not right" ‒ it looked more like a hamster than a mouse. Also, "HAMU" appears at the top of the house. The "M" was a little flakey ((a) probably on purpose and/or (b) horrible reception), so I thought it was "HANU" and never got around to looking it up ... Not that I would have figured out "HAMU." "Ham"? I think also the giant evil cat at the end (and in the beginning animation) sort of stitched it up for the mouse theory. The part of the animation in which the costumed people are playing with the woman's underwear, that, that could have been mice or hamsters, conceptually.

Non-dancing hamster research:

Hamster wheel metaphor
Hamsters rocking out, sacking out, etc

2002mar19. Also those of you in Southern California can pick up Hamster Audio Color Tetris Or Whatever It's Called on KSCI, Sundays at 6:30pm. BE THERE!

2002mar20. Mail.

On this page there are a number things which aren't quite correct regarding South Dakota.

1. The "THINK" signs are used to denote a fatal traffic accident, and are placed as near the spot of the accident, while remaining in the right-of-way, and off the roadway. When these signs wear out they are not replaced in kind.

I surmised exactly that in the article. That doesn't qualify as "not quite correct."

2. In Vivian, SD, the object referred to as a "grain silo" is in fact called a grain elevator. A silo is something different. A silo is what a single farmer has in his yard, the elevator is akin to a mass storage clearing house for grain and seeds. An elevator is to a silo what a SAN is to a floppy disk.

Got it. SAN. Like SAN Francisco.

3. There are few natural sunflower fields in South Dakota. They are planted with intention. Out west, where the writer noted the vacant landscape, there are no 'farms' but instead, ranches. The soil out there is highly erodable and entirely unfit for growing much of anything, though people try. It's corn, wheat, soybeans, and misc other crops in Eastern SD, and mostly cattle in Western SD.

Where do I say that the sunflower field is "natural"? I said it was "naturiffic" from the Greek "nature" meaning "plants and stuff" not "natural" which would have been bent thusly: "naturaliffic."

4. Back in the day, the towns were constructed such that the railroad could stop and fill the engine up with water. The towns are spaced at at distance something like 14 miles because that is how far the engine could go before needing water.

For the third time, you're not "correcting" me, you're just "adding knowledge" to my meanderings. I suppose a number of South Dakotan experts could do this all day, but then it would turn into this boring hodge-podge of historical writing.

That's about all. Interesting reading. As a South Dakotan, I detest Wall Drug. Those damn signs are everywhere, and the whole town is an amazing shithole tourist trap. It's good that the writer was able to take joy in the oddball nature of it.

That's a strange take on the article, which alludes to my Wall Drug-induced nausea. I've been there a few times now, it's certainly not a good place to stop and eat. Also because the town is so small you run into the one police SUV over and over again. I'd just take the subway into town if I were going again, and I'd pack a lunch.

2002mar20. Oh yeah, it's the seventh anniversary of this thing being online. Thanks to everyone who's made it possible because without you I would be sad. I tried to fit the cake into the PC but something made a grinding noise and then there was some sweet-smelling smoke, so I hope you got it.

Image courtesy misterpants. It's a misterpants kind of week.

2002mar21. Flo Control: letting cats in, keeping dead things out. [via green cheese]


2002mar22. Macros2000 #7 is sold out. It's gone.

2002mar22. Today I found five centavos in the street where I was loitering, which is against the law. It's a cute, tiny little coin, smaller than a dime. It is my new friend, and is worth .55197th of a cent. I am gaining serious financial ground this year.


1) the only two days I've hung towels outside to dry, ever

a) the only two days it's rained in California in the last year


2002mar22. Mail.

I spent a few years in Bolivia, where they have a five centavo coin of the same size as the Mexican variety. Those little buggers are like mice: they are absolutely adorable until you wind up with a bunch in your pants. The problem with things is that its like carrying around a bunch of loose Tic-Tacs: everytime you take anything out of your pocket they come flying out, bouncing merrily down the sidewalk in their happy coinage way. And then you have to go hunt down the damned things. Yes, they are only worth one nanodollar, but they are still, technically, money, which means that by law you must get down on your hands and kness and fish them out from under the chorizo-vendor's cart.

And for what? It's not as if you can buy anything with them. If you try to pay with a bunch of them, the vendors will look at you as if you are attempting to purchase their bananas using freshly plucked navel lint.

You have awoke some Bad Memories.

Matthew B.
Defective Yeti

Chorizo? Me? No, no, churro cart (I googled "churro cart" and for some reason the churro carts at Disneyland are taking top honors ... "WE WANT TO PAY FOR A SAFE SANITIZED CHURRO CART FACSIMILE EXPERIENCE." Disneyland FAQ Question #742: "Can I use the GM OnStar System™ to summon a churro cart alongside my car while in Disneyland? The answer is yes."). I am sorry for the bad, bad memories. I have read that the five centavo coin is rare, probably for the reasons you've outlined. TO THE EBAYMOBILE!

2002mar26. Cintra. Oscars. [via robotwisdom]

2002mar27. Mail. Two business concerns. Hope I haven't started an international incident.

We are located in Sultanate of Oman. We are interested to have an agency (Import) of cigarettes. We can import minimun 10 tues in a month. If you interested please let me know and contact me on [Oman email address]

Commercial Manager
Al Moram Co.Limited L.L.C
Tel + 978 299909

No.290 ,Naeemi St ,Mirzay-E-shirazi Ave.
after motahari crossroad Tehran , Iran
[Iran email address]

Dear Sirs, as an importer in iran weare happy to notify our intrest in french cigarettes and would like to know more about their prices and their analyses. looking forward to hearing from you.
with best regards,
Khosrow Bahrami,

Al! Khosrow! I got your messages on almost the same day! And I'm looking at Oman, and I'm looking at Iran, and are you thinking what I'm thinking? It looks to me like you guys are right next to each other! You've only got that piece of water between you, but you know, you've got to have ferries and stuff there. So here's the deal ‒ let's pretend I'm like "buying" some stuff from Pousheh (you're an EXPORTER) and I'm "selling" the same stuff to Al Moram (the IMPORTER), or vice versa, whatever floats your boat (no pun intended). But let's cut out the middleman (me)! This way, you're not shipping stuff to America, or back, you know, with customs and all, they're real ramrods these days, huh? Anyway, you two figure it out, and kick back a little for me for the networking, like 10% on the first deal, that sound good to you? Good, good! Pleasure doing business, my friends, and may the road rise to meet you.

2002mar28. New Turdmonster.

April 2002.

2002apr02. I got a real, actual letter in the postal mail the other day, complaining about our candy cigarettes. Apparently there was some mold in one of the packs. I'm speechless ‒ I thought our QC was top of the line. Heads are going to roll.

2002apr03. Kaeru is a stuffed frog that for some reason is loved by Japanese skating fans. Kaeru likes to travel.

2002apr03. Ebay: Look out fruit machines!

2002apr03. Praise : My son tried it , and he is well chuffed!!!

2002apr04. Cockeyed: Lose Money at Home: Those Stupid Signs Are All From Herbalife And It's A Pyramid Scam! Tear Them Down, My Minions! Tear Them Down! But seriously, this is a must-read. I'll be carving up at least one sign on the periphery of my community.

2002apr04. Smooch smooch mmmmmm.... hahaha, sucker.

2002apr04. US chicken epidemic. Noted for the phrase "a trickle of chicken meat."

2002apr05. Mail.

Hi there! My name is Daniel and I live in Sweden. I stumbled across your so so translation of the Swedish "RAPPAKALJA" card and thought I'd send you a proper one (I'm at work in the middle of the night and quite bored). Anyway here comes:

1.The owner of the only American museum, in which she displays nuts, nut crackers and furniture made out of nut shells.

Bye for now, nice pages by the way.


2002apr07. Hamster Tales.

2002apr08. I've thought of a much easier way to smuggle drugs into the U.S. First, smuggle tons of drugs from the U.S. into Mexico. This is much easier, you'll get no hassle at all. Then, reverse time.

2002apr08. Jackie Chan on Tetsuwan Dash game show, trying to ride as far as he can on a bicycle without peddling. [pix, mpgs]

2002apr08. Google should have a tip jar. I mean, a tip jar for Google.

2002apr08. "Sailing, take me away to where I'm going AIIIEEEEE!!!" The best part about being at the coast by the Cliff House awhile ago was seeing so many types of lifeforms grabbing the free power out there ‒ kitesurfers, windsurfers, surfers, kites, people in go-carts being pulled by parasails, hang gliders, and the tiniest free-power leeches of them all: by-the-wind sailors. Blue "sailing" jellies are JAMMING the shores of Monterey Bay to get a glimpse of the aquarium's new jellyfish exhibit. Back at the Cliff House, there were thousands and thousands of jellies were on the beach, in some places you couldn't even see the sand, just a strange long blue slick. My friend grabbed one and brought it to the aquarium and one of the guides had never seen this type of jellyfish. Pointing out window: "Well, take a good look at 'em!] So cute! 1, 2, [7, 38

2002apr08. Trademark searches for the word "fuck." The fourth column indicates whether or not the trademark is still in effect. Only five?

3 75641339 FUCK. COM DEAD
5 75111620 WE FUCK U DEAD

2002apr10. New Leisuretown.

2002apr10. I need to drink some orange juice or lemonade that really knocks me out. I mean, like physically taunts me, delivers a few jabs, then straight in with the uppercut. I need to find some high-quality licorice. I need to buy a new VCR because I killed the old one by suffocating it when it became feeble. There are hundreds of things I need to do, and they're all more important than doing my taxes.

2002apr10. Mail.

Omigawd, did you read this part? "This strange looking purple-blue animal is not one animal at all. The by-the-wind sailor is actually a whole colony of tiny jellyfish-like creatures called polyps. They live on a gas-filled float with a skeleton mast supporting a thin sail." Can you imagine living in a gas-filled float with a bunch of other people? It's bad enough sharing an apartment, or even a house but a gas-filled float with a skeleton mast? I wouldn't last a day.


I think the gas would probably knock you out before then. Also, it would be cold. Wait a second ... the other pages said that the float was "air filled." So I think you're okay, there. Just bundle up, and make friends with your fellow polyps and the skeleton.

2002apr11. Hello, and welcome to the fourteenth stop on the "Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard" virtual book tour, the book tour that's lying in the fetal position, soaked in its own urine, muttering "Six to go... Six to go..." to itself. My name is Greg Knauss and, yes, now that you ask, I am one of those self-satisfied new parents who think that they're the first person to contribute a set of chromosomes to anything other than a hankie. And, yes, this book is entirely devoted to the documentation of the result. So now that I've convinced myself to buy a copy, why should you?

Each and every one of these is a reason to buy a copy of my book; to buy several, in fact. Because the next time you happen across anyone doing any of the above, you can pull a copy out of your trunk, hand it to them and say, "This jackass wrote a whole book about his kids, and he's still less self-absorbed than you, dipweed. You might want to re-evaluate your decision to breed."

Also, I could use the money. My widdle nubby-bumpkins are going to the Ivy League. Yes, they are. Yes, they are.

If you're still not convinced ‒ and by the look of vague nausea on your face, I don't think you are ‒ here's a sample of what you'll find inside:

I walked outside to get something from the van this morning, and across the street was a neighbor, out for a walk with his toddler. I smiled and waved and noticed that they were dressed the same, his boy and him ‒ they were wearing shorts and t-shirts and both had baseball caps on.

And I thought about how we influence our children, how they're tiny mirrors of everything we are, consciously or not. How we dress them and teach them and show them the world will influence how they live the rest of their lives.

And I turned around to head back inside and Tom was standing in the doorway, wearing a ski cap, waving my lightsaber TV clicker and without his pants.

Which pretty much confirmed my theory.

Also, questions:

Someone whose e-mail I lost asks: How many pages are in your book? I can't find information on the So New Media site.

That's a perceptive question, e-mail person, and it demonstrates a knowledge that the definition of "book" can range from 80-page pamphletty things up to, say, "Infinite Jest." "Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard," just coincidentally, falls on the pamphletty side of the spectrum, and that's not even counting the fact that some of the pages are packed ‒ packed, I tell you! ‒ with a whole sentence. In the book-selling biz, we call it a "breezy read" rather than "very expensive whitespace."

If you have any questions about the "book," me, my children or the basics of capitalism that allow you to exchange cash for any or all of the above, please write to [mail address deleted]. Thanks for coming, and see you tomorrow at, where I'll be talking about my kids. Imagine that.

2002apr12. For some reason I'm getting swamped with mail today. Your patience is appreciated.

The game show I've been calling "Hamster Audio Color Tetris" is actually called "Smile Big Smack Hamster." I think that's a little bit catchier.

This guy looks like my sixth-grade teacher. You know the one, he grabbed me by my hair to place me back into a line that had formed at the classroom door? That sweetheart. Anyway, there's another "Special" (that's what the "SP" is for, apparently), though I don't know if it's going to be on this weekend or next. I've set up a separate Smile Big Smack Hamster page consolidating all the information here + some other stuff. It has two new audio files so you can listen to the drama of SBSH right in your very own home. These audio files are not related to the audio file mentioned in my response to this email at all:

I would like to purchase a case of the candy stix. How much are they? Is this possible? They do not sell them where I am. Please respond.



We're in the process of placing ordering information online. At this time, all of the ordering information is available via WAV audio file.

You should be able to hear the information through your computer's speakers -- the WAV file is 600k, it may take awhile to load. This should answer all of your questions! Thanks for your patronage.


Dire Announcement.

[02apr24: see Deuce of Clubs Theft Page for new/additional info...] And so now comes the part where I ask you a favor. If you've ever even remotely enjoyed (remember the Mojave Phone Booth?) or even Cardhouse / Macros2000 ... please kickdown some money to Doc at this Amazon Honor System Paypage [no longer exists] (Visa, MasterCard/EuroCard, Discover, American Express, Diner's Club, JCB, check cards or ATM accepted) so he can get his life back together again ... even a dollar would help out! Thank you kindly.

2002apr13. Finally saw The Billy Nayer Show Thursday. Super superb, even without the guitar player, who was apparently suffering from a case of the worms. Check 'em out. Also, if you get a chance, see their film, American Astronaut. Here are some random links. Here they are.

Substantial Interview
Short Interview
Review of band
Review of film
Review of film

2002apr16. Look out! Google upgrade ... it's accepting words like "the," and also reroutes your poorly-spelled searches:

Your original search: "evolutiona control committee" was misspelled and returned 0 results.
The corrected search: "evolution control committee" was done instead and the results appear below.

It's like a frickin' ROBOT SEARCH GOD ...

2002apr16. Fashion Kitty: Creepy, wrong, etc.

2002apr17. This Is Not Art [via nelo].

2002apr17. Interview with Takashi Murakami [via gmtplus9]

2002apr17. Sean Connery Golf Project. A movie about stealing a poor movie script from Sony, rewriting it, then putting it back in the pile.

2002apr17. How To Be An Appreciative Audience Member.

2002apr18. Amazing Race 2: Mary and the soft bruisable fruit were eliminated yesterday, learning a valuable lesson: the fast-forward isn't for the team in last place. I thought the soft bruisable fruit was starting to grow a spine, but she backslid, hard, after having to drink a non-tasty tea. Can we just eliminate one person from each team? Mary and Tara, there's a team for ya.

The Practical Nomad has been writing related summaries for each week ‒ this week on traveler's privacy (or lack thereof). This is the only show I watch, so cut me some slack. I mean, that and The Prisoner.

2002apr18. I want a smart browser that will underline links only when the color of the text and the color of the links are "too close" for me to squint and figure out what's a link and what is not, or some dunderhead has decided that the link color and text color should be the same. I would also like some Black Rabbit licorice from Australia.

2002apr28. How Wal-Mart is Remaking our World. The only thing I use chain stores for is their exceptionally clean bathroom facilities. I strongly urge everyone to go to the bathroom at Wal-Mart, McDonald's, etc. Think about it ‒ one person reads this, and says to themselves "I can go to the bathroom at the exploitative international restaurant/merchandise conglomerates and I will go to the bathroom there!" and this is done over a lifetime, the aggregate cost is like so many wrenches in the works, my friends, wrenches in the works.

2002apr28. Nation's Plastic Reserves Rapidly Dwindling Due To Introduction of Frito-Lay's Bulletproof "Go" Snack Container. "The lid doubles as a bowl." Cellphones can be used as tables, I use my mouse as a car jack, black is now white, etc.

2002apr28. Cintra.

May 2002.

2002may01. Mail.

I am very concerned about one of your products.My grandsons step-mother bought him some candy with dinasours on the box.He loves dinasours so she new he would love them.When Sara opened the box for Austin,she was shocked to find candy cigarettes! She would NEVER have bought that candy had she known.Now my concern is:Why would you make and sell such a thing to little kids in a time when we are trying desperatly to make it clear that smoking is NOT acceptable and will kill them? This is a very irresponsible act on your part and I will make it clear to others that your company is producing such an unhealthy product....A Concerned Parent and Grand-parent

I'm tired of answering these things. Okay, one more.



[This is an email from someone who believes that I am the consumer affairs representative for a large multi-national donut chain, I'm not really sure which one. I am not many things: I am not a candy cigarette manufacturer, I am not a malt distributor, I do not sell cigars, I am not a record company. This does not stop people from believing so. I usually start my reply with a nicely-worded explanation, but then I throw it away and give voice to my inner jerkoff.]

If you could be more specific, we could register your complaint with our creative department.

In regards to your question, we are legally entitled to charge tax on take-outs in the state of Massachusetts.

Thank you,
Don "Donut" Henderson
The Management.


Would it make a difference if it was, say, a woman running in and out of the store? Or is it the mannerisms of the man that you find annoying? This would help us out, like a focus group with less people. You would be "Focus Man."


Ah. Well, see, there we have a problem, Martin. Because if we did that ‒ if we created a commercial series that showed everything you describe ‒ I'm sure one or more of our franchises wouldn't "come up to snuff" and then we'd have a problem. Because someone would be crying about "deceptive advertising practices" and the like while speeding to a courtroom. And really, it's hard to crow about how "good" the employees are with our low wages ... I'll tell you a little secret, we're trying out robots, just like McDonald's. We think it will be easier for a donut store to have robots, because people don't ask for extra condiments on their donuts or to leave off the lettuce, etc. So you put your money in the robot, and punch up your order, and you see the robot making your donut(s)! Does this sound like something you'd be interested in, Martin?

Don "Donut" Henderson


Martin, putting robots in all of our donut stores is being a leader! They make donuts, they make change, they make coffee, they don't smoke or swear or quit in the middle of a shift! We've been testing the living heck out of these babies, and we think we've got a system that will work. Scalding is down 70% from the Mark III prototype! Does being served by a robot excite you, Martin? Robots, to me, mean a new deck on my new summer house. Can you feel the excitement? I think this is a revolution that the service class economy will never recover from!






2002may03. Zefrank is ze wonderful and I've only played with SNM1 and Drawtoy. I am easily amused today.

2002may03. A friend of mine was commuting home from work the other day down 101 and said she was passed by a motorcycle "gang" all riding those low-slung plastic bikes. Sometimes they would would hop from side to side over the bike, sometimes they would straddle the bike, stand up on the ground and "ride the pavement." All at 60mph+. So watch for them, I guess. Three shows daily, or catch the nightly special at your local ER.

2002may03. My friend has sent corrections to the tale of the dangerous motorcycle people.

They weren't exactly straddling the bikes ‒ that is, one foot on each side of the bike ‒ they hopped off the bike, standing to the left side of it. They were "waterskiing" alongside the bike, both feet on the freeway, no rocket in their crotch. You could smell the burning rubber of their shoe soles for at least two exits...

And the helmets! Shiny black helmets with chrome shark fins popping through the top.


2002may05. Candy Cigarettes: Your "Passport" To Excitement!

Is there any possibility a person could get some old or bad candy. This would be used for bear bait and obviously not for human consumption. I was looking for maybe a truck full or maybe a little more. Thanks

How can i become a wholesaler of El Bubble bubble gum cigars. Can you please give me a list of email addresses or websites for supplier.
thank you

Is there currently any laws in California that prohibit the sale of candy cigaretttes to minors? If there are do you know the section number?

The last batch of candy cigarettes I got tasted different. Did they change the flavor?????? If they did, why would they do such a thing?????? Thanks, Debbie

2002may09. I went and saw Spiderman the other day ... don't read any further if you haven't seen the movie, because it contains major spoilers.

Spiderman is about this guy who gets bitten by a radioactive spider. Then he is Spiderman. He shoots webs out of his wrists. He can crawl anywhere, just like a spider. He has an aunt. He fights crime. He works at the newspaper. He takes photos.

I watched the film, then I talked about it on my weblog. Yeah ... you remember that? Uh-huh ... what are you wearing?

2002may09. [Cardhouse] Domo-kun sort of FAQ. An examination of everyone's favorite little brown chunk.

2002may11. Ebay: People in the 1930's knew a lot more about having fun. A lot has been lost since then. Perhaps historical items like this one can lead us back to a more dignified and sane existence. (2006: I remember what this was. It was an auction for a paper game in which you and your friends used your cigarettes to spark up a chosen line consisting of fuse-type material, the fuses then burned on the paper in semi-intricate patterns so no one could tell which one was going to burn the fastest)

2002may11. King VelVeeda is being sued by Kraft because "VelVeeda" is close to "Velveeta." Because if they don't protect the valuable "Velveeta" name, there will be thousands of other corporations more than happy to capitalize on their laziness and we will soon be seeing "Velscreeta" disgustingly bright fake factory cheese and "Velvooter" disgustingly bright fake factory cheese and "Velverta" disgustingly bright fake factory cheese. Or, perhaps people will want to know more about Velveeta cheese and just naturally assume that they should go to and then when they see the nakeds ladies on the site will suddenly assume that this international food conglomerate is now porn-oriented and there will be boycotts and product burnings and chaos. [via doc]

2002may12. I thought Nestlé had cleaned up their breastmilk act, but apparently not. I try not to buy anything from inter/national companies anymore, they're just too damn corrupt.

2002may13. SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH: Toast Substrate Aerodynamics Vs. Applied Gravitational Subjection Of Solid Flooring Component. NoooOOOOOO!!!! Beautiful toast ... life, so fleeting ...

2002may13. "And then people started messing with that camera, so we put up another camera to watch the second camera and of course we're not idjits we made sure those two cameras also pointed at each other, but then they started destroying cameras simultaneously, so we just firebombed the area and 'waaa-laaa' no more traffic problems." [via doc]

2002may14. Got a little bit of this one ... I am seriously not getting my money's worth out here. Does it need more quarters? What?

2002may14. QUAKE 2002: The garlic capital of the world is safe. A city rests, yet, remains alert, although sleepy and sort of hungry. Maybe the city will go downstairs and have some cereal, though it's a bit early. Garlic cereal.

2002may14. Quimby's wants to distribute Macros2000. I am sure they don't remember distributing X Magazine. I have no problem dealing with stores directly, it's the distributors that make me all itchy. Brrrrrr. Anyway, as I was trying to drive away from the post office, a 50-year-old guy sort of got in the way of my car.

Me: What?
Him: Where are you going?
Me: What?
Him: Where are you going?
Me: Home.
Him: Could you take me to Rengstorff?
Him [Thinking I'm a deaf taxi driver]: RENGZ-TORF.
Me: No, sorry.
[SFX: vroom]

I hadn't even thought of the perishables sitting next to me. If this happens to you, remember ‒ you have perishables in the trunk, even if you don't. It could mean the difference between a side trip to Rengstorff and not a side trip to Rengstorff.

2002may15. Interview: Danny & Oswald from The Amazing Race 2. I will begrudgingly watch the finale tonight, though there's no one in it I'm a rootin' for.

2002may15. Turns out the butler did it.

2002may15. So I went to the Panaderia (the one attached to the Taqueria/Joyeria) two months ago, and ran across a type of apple fritter bread in a flat circular shape, around six inches in diameter. This was the best item I'd ever extracted from the cases ‒ when I went back a week later, there weren't any. I talked to the cashier, she motioned to the manager, and we talked about shapes, about sizes, about sugar carmelization, but the one thing we couldn't agree on was that my elusive baked good actually existed in this universe. [Present time] It is available at the Panaderia again today. I just kept my mouth shut and quietly bought one. I like the idea of a product with a random window of opportunity.

2002may16. McSweeney's: I'm detective John Kimble.

2002may19. Mail. No one ever writes back. It is sad.








Dear Medhat:

Thanks for dropping us a line. If we want to do business with you (and it sounds like we do) I'm going to need to know a LOT more about your FZA. We've been burned twice in the past by infestation and rodent droppings, and I have been extremely unhappy with the Sultanate of Oman. Initially, what I'm going to need is a standard report on your FZA and photos of the area. I need to know about security, I need to know a lot more before I'm going to have anything shipped there. Do you have a standard portfolio package that you can send? If so, send it to [address].

B. Fume
Shipping & Receiving

2002may19. Museum of Jurassic Technology comforts post-theft Deuce of Clubs.

2002may20. Fish, barrel.

dear sir
please sent me pictures , dimensions ,materials and another informations to help me to select a very big dinosaur statue for a park (in normal size of a dinosaur).please notice that we have only a week time to decideing .thanks a lot for your kindly consideration .
president of Atiebtekar Company
Kamran azizi

I understand that you are very busy, but we will need more information, whatever you can provide. We will deliver a specification and with several estimates via FedEx on receipt of the following information:

Deadline (Day/E.S.T.)

Indoors? Outdoors? Underground?
If indoors: standard operating temperatures, hours of operation, clearance height?
If outdoors: temperature delta, rain? snow? hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis (near ocean?)?
What type of weather?

Realistic? "Cartoony"?
Children admitted to park? Climbable? Gum chewing allowed in park/country? Children under parental supervision at all times, or roam free?
On golf course? Part of larger "theme"?
Admission free, or paid for?
Location of park (city, country?)
Size of park?
Main display, or several other animals?
Maintenance: washed daily, weekly, monthly?

These are all considerations that need to be addressed when creating a dinosaur. Any and all information will be helpful to narrow the specification down to your liking.

When you say "normal size," do you mean _actual_ size? Do you know what type of dinosaur you would like? A nice T-Rex?

[You know, I was so looking forward to making cartoony dinosaur drawings and sending them out FedEx. I should probably stop answering these types of emails, I get all cranked up for nothing. Cockeyed also sent along a letter (below), I was hoping to use it later on in the investigation, but I never heard back from Mr. Dinosaur.]

Well, there is no fucking way to build a dinosaur overseas in one week for less than US$280,000.

Most customers want a full-size steel and fiberglas Brontosaurus

Height: 35 ft
Weight: 7 tons
Length: 25 m (82 ft)
Period: Late Jurassic

The foundation will be five poured concrete slabs, the skeleton will be welded steel I-beams. You should be aware that the skeleton will not look like a dinosaur skeleton. It will look like an office building skeleton. The head will be 8 feet long, mouth ajar but non-articulated.

The skin will be rough, realistic pigmented fiberglas, not paint. This durable skin will withstand 4 years of climbing and petting, 9 years of direct sunlight, before requiring a surface treatment.

We have 3 poses available for the Brontosaurus: neck extended (Model BR-X), neck bent to the ground (BR-G), and running (BR-R). None of the models are low enough for an unassisted child to climb upon.

We need seven expert craftsmen from the USA and 12 local laborers with english-speaking supervisors. You'll need two 40-foot cranes, 14 ladders, 5 TIG welders with wire and gas, 350 square meters of wire mesh, a cement mixer and an ice-cream truck.

2002may20. Sony's Key2Audio CD "copy-proof" technology can be defeated by a felt-tip marker, which will cost you approximately 99 cents ... or you could just buy one of Sony's CDRW drives and get the pen in the package!

Real Kit contents: CRX100E ATAPI CD-RW drive, Spressa software (WinOnCD, PacketCD, InstantAudio Backup, PhotoRecall), CD-R and CD-RW media, installation kit, marker pen.

2002may21. I have finally reached the Simpsons super-saturation point. It is no longer worth my time to tune in and be subjected to endless repeats in the hopes of catching the n episodes I've missed. Now the TV has no hold on me, except Globe Trekker and Niko-niko Punsuka Hamuemon which isn't even on every week. Now I am free. I am free. [runs screaming from the room]

2002may21. Cockeyed: McDonald's "American Pie" apple pie tie-in. Mr. Eyed sent me a plastic placard kit to deface various local-area McDonald's, but, umm, the placards didn't fit. Yes, yes, that's it, they didn't fit. No, I dropped the ball because I am a lamer. On the other hand, the Cockeyed team refuses to race jury-rigged putt-putt heater meal boats with me, so I think we're even on that score. [makes chicken noises, runs out of room]

2002may24. Cockeyed: Image lifting imposter prank thing.

2002may26. [Cardhouse] Updated: Niko-Niko Punsuka Hamuemon.

2002may26. Thanks again to everyone who sent kind words and/or donations to Deuce of Clubs after the theft ...

2002may27. Day in Doorknobs.

2002may31. Mitsubishi sold me some bad shit. [via neil k]

The use of the Mitsubishi logo on pills containing the club drug Ecstasy, or similar-looking but more potent stimulants such as the amphetamine PMA, is in no way associated with any of the separate and independent companies which share the Mitsubishi logomark. Accordingly, the use of our name and logo is clearly a misuse of the reputation of the Mitsubishi companies and constitutes trademark infringement.

June 2002.

2002jun04. David Cross: not like Carrot Top or Gallagher. The Mr. Show DVD is now available. A nation ... rejoices.

2002jun05. Cockeyed: Oreos. I like Newman-Os myself.

2002jun05. Free art pie. "We want pie! We want pie!" Livin' on the wrong coast right now. [via obscure store]

2002jun06. Salon: How Standardized Testing Is Graded. Hey, here's a surprise ‒ by minimum-wage workers under the gun!

2002jun07. Do you smell chocolate? Where's that chocolate smell coming from ... accounting?

2002jun07. Man, I'm getting sick of the link-trading mail robots.

I just added a link to .. on my site.

You can find it here: http://www.[blahblahblah].com/runwaymodels.html

I would be very grateful if you added a link to http://www.[blahblahblah].com

I prefer a simple text link, but I also have several banners and sample text links at: http://www.[blahblahblah].com/links/addlink.html

Let me know if you would like any changes in your listing (category, description, etc) even if you decide not to link back.

Thanks, Micky

So the "runwaymodels.html" is a page loaded with links to runway model sites ‒ and to Cardhouse, because of this page that features runway models.

2002jun10. Well, it looks like I'm going to the San Diego Comic Con again. This also means that I will be going to Tijuana. Also to the Museum of Jurassic Technology. So if you're going to be anywhere near there around August 3rd ‒ 5th, drop me a line and we'll do some crimes or eat pieces of bread magically shaped to look like pretzels and sold in the lobby of the San Diego Convention Center. We could do either of these things. Also, billiards. Perhaps billiards.

2002jun10. Heat Vision & Jack, an unaired pilot featuring Jack Black as an astronaut with super brainical powers ... riding a talking motorcycle. The script is long, hilarious, and perhaps worth your time. Cancel some meetings.

2002jun11. Saturday's guest on Niko-Niko Punsuka Hamuemon was a blue feller named Hamukatsu. "Katsu" has several meanings; the ones with the most relevance are "win," "defeat," and "a breaded deep-fry cutlet." Which, as someone with more culinary experience has pointed out to me, is a "cordon bleu." Which, as someone with more French experience has pointed out to me, does indeed end with the word "blue." Also, the MC is throwing out some new colors, not that Niihamu or Hamuemon would know. It's obvious, after seeing nine episodes, that three of the hamsters are getting softballs and Hamudon, Hamuzo, and the guest hamster are served up the esoteric ones ("ivory, ivory, ivory"). Someone with more military history experience has pointed out to me that Hamudon bears a hamster-filtered resemblance to Hideki Tojo (1 2). Now, if someone would tell me what the teakettle on Hamuzo's head is all about... perhaps it's there to take advantage of all of his hot air. Hamukatsu had an argument about the name of an object confused with a color of an object ‒ like "orange" vs. "orange" but it was for a melon or something. He was vindicated on this point, but lost the match and into the pepper for him.

2002jun11. Portland Zine Symposium 2002. No tables available? Man, start building zine lofts.

2002jun11. Saw an advertising poster for pearl drinks the other day. The tagline, in inch-high type: "Let me crazy." A Google search indicates that this is a common Taiwan-based linguistic error:

Thx you for let me crazy..
My boyfriend let me crazy
the vocabulary let me crazy
Sometimes I cautch myself question things that I should not and that let me CRAZY!!!

So that's actually supposed to be "Makes me crazy" or, in layman's terms "This pearl drink, with those large tapioca balls in it, is the genesis of my psychosis." I'm all for this, I miss the fractured language of my video gaming youth. Let me crazy English!

2002jun12. Special thanks to the nice person who sent me something from my wishlist. The economy is recovering! An uplifting portent.

2002jun12. Interesting article about EULAs being enforced. The article mentions that Kazaa is strong-arming people into turning over control of the CPU and hard drive so they can then sell it to other corporations. Combine that scary thought with this article about distributed communication telematics and you're going to be signing one mother of a EULA when you buy your new car. I'll be installing a crowbar into the juicy bits, you bet, EULA or not. Nobody rides on my dime.

2002jun12. My Guys. An exploration into the seamy underside of NYC jobbers.

2002jun13. [Cardhouse Auctionary Services] My my my. Sellin' stuff, makin' rent.

KLF "Kylie Said To Jason" CDsingle

KLF Stadium House Trilogy + Brits award concert appearance w/ENT

2002jun13. Doko Demo Issho (scroll down to the second item) types when you type. larger image

2002jun17. Overdose on Japanese-English.

2002jun18. We saw the International Space Station (also here and here) twice during the weekend. It was quite grand. I waved, but nobody waved back. Astronauts.

2002jun18. "Hey Boo-Boo! Looks like I found a little pick-me-up in this here pic-a-nic basket!"

2002jun20. Radio Shack has put a "service mark" on the phrase "discover ways to Shackcessorize" to make sure no one else uses it. I'm guessing that it's not going to be a problem. Unless, of course, you'd like to send me a mail message telling me how you've augmented your day/life using the word "Shackcessorize."

2002jun20. Good Lord. What IS that?

2002jun21. If you are from Australia and have been enjoying this website in any capacity, your current tax is one packet of Traditional Black Rabbit licorice, available at Woolworths and Franklins. Thank you.

2002jun21. ICQ Quotes. Can't figure out where I got this one, I have two million pages open right now. Astronauts.

[BombScare] i beat the internet
[BombScare] the end guy is hard

2002jun21. As you probably already know, Audiogalaxy rolled over for the RIAA.

Under Monday's settlement, Audiogalaxy is required to obtain permission from a songwriter, music publisher or recording company to use and share copyrighted works.

So who's going to give permission to Audiogalaxy to offer up public domain works? Thomas Edison, for example, is currently blocked by Audiogalaxy. Anyone have his email address?

2002jun21. I am trying to calmly shop for a VCR and it is destroying me. So many options. So few reviews. If anyone has anything to say about any VCR less than $150, drop me a line. Thank you kindly.

2002jun22. I found my VCR. Unfortunately there is something sticking to it, and it's made for two-headed children. The madness continues.

2002jun22. Your government at work, #93589156a in a series.

2002jun22. Oh my. The Origami Boulder Company.

2002jun23. Airplanes yay!

2002jun24. Philco. Listen to your favorite music in your favorite format! Play vinyl 33 1/3 albums or 45 RPM's on the finely crafted turntable. Listen to cassette tapes and the most current CDs ... all on this marvelous player! Visit with family and friends while listening to how music has changed with the times.

2002jun25. I ate a stick of butter because it's fun.

2002jun25. Cockeyed: How much tobacco is inside beautiful, tax-free cigarettes.

2002jun25. Kindereggs contraband. [via whygodwhy]

2002jun26. Mail.

Just wanted to say I have a den of iniquity around the corner from my house that sells KinderEggs. I am indeed in paradise.

-- kafkaesque

If the cops show up, remember to clean the chocolate off your mouth before answering the door. "Mmmmphhhhello?"

2002jun26. Wal-Mart go to hell. Systemic corruption facet #218a: Employees locked inside, working off the clock. [NYT fake registration required]

2002jun27. Kid begins his life of crime in the fast lane.

2002jun27. Wackynitions!

cellpit: A mosh pit that suddenly develops around an obnoxious cellphone user, whether they're jabbering or holding up the cellphone for their friend to hear & everyone else to see

2002jun28. Mail.

Kinder fucking bitter dissapointment more like! Have you ever had one? The so-called chocolate is a substandard low-coco solid "chocolate-flavour" ultra thin shell and the toy is more often than not an ugly & badly molded Disney tie-in piece of crap.

Sometimes, however, you get a fantastic tiny model kit of a speedboat or helicopter than turns into a robot and it is these carrot-on-sticks that makes you undo the foil in anticipation (you eat the chocolate as a kind of by-product, without emotion or satisfaction). And then, once you pop open the yellow oval, a crushing blow. It's a FIFA World Cup Commemorative Unidentifiable Plastic Mascot. Collect all 82.

Mind you, young cats just love the yellow plastic ovals that contain the 'toy'. They bat them across polished wooden flooring for hours at a time.

- Emlyn

I got a small wooden boat once in der Kinderegg. It was pre-assembled so I had to choke the whole thing down with one swallow.

2002jun30. Say, this seems a little familiar...

2002jun30. Another brave soul makes fire using only materials presented in the movie Castaway.

July 2002.

2002jul01. Mail.

My husband has been looking everywhere for your "Good Fortune" toothpicks, and can't seem to find them. We are in Washington State, and we have been to Chinatown hoping to find a store there that sells your toothpicks, but to no avail. Can you tell us where your toothpicks can be found to buy, we would very much appreciate it.

thank you


Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks can be found in every store on the earth. Look closely ... they're small!

Dear Kandi:

We are saddened to learn of your misfortune trying to locate our toothpicks. Please find enclosed one (1) "Good Fortune" brand toothpick.

Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks exist only in your mind.

Dear Kandi:

We have recalled our toothpicks in response to a Consumer Product Safety Division investigation. It seems that our toothpicks are failing the "choke tube test" in record numbers. We will be thickening and lengthening our toothpicks. We are committed to our box style and size, however, which means that there will be approximately 5.3 toothpicks in each package.

Dear Kandi:


Dear Kandi:

We only produced one box of toothpicks. It was sold. Our business model thus proven, we wait patiently for our IPO to produce more.

Dear Kandi:

My first car was an AMC Concord. What a piece of shit.

Dear Kandi:

We are, at the present time, not stocking these toothpicks due to a one-time balance sheet readjustment of twelve skrillion dollars. We are confident that most of our investors have shifted their portfolio into sweets, plunging necklines, and cat calendars.

Dear Kandi:

I'm feeling tough right now. Like nobody can take me on. Like I'm strong; invincible. Except my butt hurts. Everything else about me, though, is like steel. Stainless steel. I hate that Swingway can opener, it rusts around the gear, so one day you're opening the can of pineapple chunks in light syrup and it just drops a little rust maggot in the pineapple can. It's such a beautiful can opener, it's like 99% perfect but then they wanted to make sure they sold many, many can openers instead of a few good ones.

Dear Kandi:

Let us construct, in our minds, an alternate futuristic universe. In this universe, people have small nanobots in their mouths that clean their teeth automatically, obviating the need for toothpicks. Here's the twist, though: the planet's entire population is on death row. Blows yer mind, doesn't it? It's all about priorities. I'm shoppin' it around, shoppin' it around ...

Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks are not for sale. We are passing the savings ... onto you! Onto? Into you? Through? We are giving you the savings? We have savings, we are hoping that you implement them? Take our savings ... please!

Dear Kandi:

Toothpicks are like tiny trees, without the leaves, or the bark. Also they're dead and quite uniform in size and texture. This is probably why toothpicks are better to put in your mouth than trees, for the most part.

Dear Kandi:

Would you be interested in a free sample of our spirally-sliced honey glazed ham? It's from Estonia.

Dear Kandi:

I'm drunk.

[a day passes ... I sober up.]

i wrote to your company before hoping to get any help any finding the manufacturers of "Good Fortune," pure white sterilized with peroxide and dried hot flat toothpicks. If you can help me to find out how we can buy these special toothpicks, i would appreciate it very much.

thank you again,


Dear Kandi:

Our company puts a great trust in the consumer of our "Good Fortune" brand pure white sterilized with peroxide and dried hot flat toothpicks. That trust is this: that our toothpicks should never be used as an interdental device. We thank you, the consumer, for keeping and building that trust throughout the years. Thank you, Good Fortune brand toothpicks.

Dear Kandi:

Toothpicks serve a function in society. This is hardly true most of the time.

Dear Kandi:

"Clare County History: A Celebration of Toothpicks" will be exhibited at the Clare County Museum from Friday, August 2nd 2002 to Monday, January 29th 2007. Cider and do-nuts will be served between 12:00pm-1:00pm, and there might be a band playing or something, if they can get their shit together.

Dear Kandi:

Let me tell you what I learned in college -- it won't take long. I had a 400-level math class ‒ very difficult ‒ and this was my second time taking it. I was living in a sorority house, but that's another story. Anyway, the class was at 8am four days a week, so basically every kid that showed up without coffee (which was most of them) was a zombie. Zombies like to sit down, but sometimes the doors to the class were locked. So you'd get there ten minutes ahead of the bell, and you'd have to either stand in this darkened hallway or sit on the cement floor -- unattractive options for zombies. One day, I got to class about ten minutes early, and it was test day. I was walking up to the hall, and I noticed that most of the class was already there, trying to study by holding math books in their hand (standing) or sprawled out on the concrete (sitting). It looked pretty uncomfortable, and then I started doing a little math in my head. I moved directly toward the door and ... opened it, triggering a strange low exclamatory sound from at least half of the crowd. Why exactly didn't 40+ people even try the door? Because something happened when the first one or two people got to class ‒ the first person assumed the door was locked, or there were two people and they had some sort of bizarre mental showdown in which each thought the other had already tried the door. By the time the third person showed up, the pattern had been set ‒ there's people sitting outside, well, they must have tried the door. And the fourth person shows up, etc, etc, until you have 40 people who haven't even tried the door. I passed both tests.

If you think about it, this explains a lot of social phenomenons.

Oh yeah: toothpicks, toothpicks, etc.

Dear Kandi:

This isn't like the 1950's, when both UK and US teens were coming at us in droves, screaming for our product. Times have changed, and we have changed our ways as well. We're releasing a Classic Gift Pack of 40 of our top toothpicks, arranged by year and sub-arranged by color. In addition, there's our Extended Classic Gift Pack Deluxe, which features a 207-page coffee table book on the history of Good Fortune Toothpick Brand toothpicks, designed by Frogdesign, with a foreword by Matt Damon (from the movie "Rounders"). You can also find the book by itself at Borders bookstore, under the title: "Good Fortune Toothpick Book Matt Damon."

Dear Kandi:

All of our toothpicks have been sold to costume supply shops, eager to stock their shelves with United States-flag augmented toothpicks for the crush of consumers drunk with patriotric fervor. This is the year, Kandi, the year that America Tears A New One. I'm going to be hunkered down in the riverbed come July 4th. See, I was walking home from this estate sale today (I scored this nice "Figaro" cat food box ‒ it's always a challenge for me to sneak out a well-designed cardboard box because they'd throw it away otherwise ‒ this time I put a bunch of one dollar cookbook pamphlets from the 1940's in the box and fobbed off most of them, only buying two, but still keeping a tight hold on the box itself), and I noticed an access path down to the dry riverbed. So I figured what the hell, and it was wonderful. It's in a trench twenty, twenty-five feet down so you can't hear the traffic, can't hear a damned thing down there, and it's as lush as all get out. So you're in this otherworldly place, with rat traps. Lots of rat traps. I didn't understand what they were at first, had to get good and close to read the writing on the canister. So I was walking for about a mile or two, and then a stream cut into the riverbed and the vegetation became taller and taller and before I knew it I was in a frickin' jungle. Well, I had the ole' catfood box with me, and a backpack, and a short-sleeved shirt, so it really wasn't working out. I backtracked, put on a flannel shirt, broke down the cat food box and put it in the back pack, and climbed out (in and of itself worth a paragraph) onto the side road. Shame it didn't dump me in some rich boof's backyard, eh? I followed the river awhile, and it finally dried out again, and just then I found another easy access path down. Again, peace and contentment. I had that fantasy again in which machines don't exist. Nice. Came across some poetry written under a bridge:

Video Junkie

[unintelligible] out [unintelligible] network of microdots
Radiating color [that was in red] in a moving array of visual imagery
Mainlining the optic nerve
Television addicts shoot up
Tele transmission rays
For that [red follows] Sex-Trash [red ends] rush
That goes straight to the CNS
Like Fortran code to the CPU
Or Terminal Overload

And the poem ends there because the riverbed has risen to meet it, which is just wonderful ‒ nature interacting with art. But "Fortran"? The poem has to be at least ten years old, maybe twenty. It reminded me of the writing on the inside of one of the buildings at the Sutro Bath ruins ‒ someone had taken the time to document what had happened there in their own words, but it had faded away and was covered with other less-interesting writing.

Another poem under the bridge was mostly covered up by some excellent multi-colored graffito:

Last picture of Alaska
... in nano-seconds

Because this is a man-made trench, I was able to climb up a bunch of sandbags and popped up right at end of a street hosting another estate sale, looking like some kind of freakish prairie dog.

Dear Kandi:

After spending ten years in major university libraries, I have concluded that no great fiction has ever centered around the exploits of a common toothpick. This is not such a bad thing, but it does represent an untapped resource. We are exploring the ancillary market as well, and hope to secure a patent for our toothpick necklace, which helps to keep toothpicks "at the ready" instead of the typical scrambling for a toothpick dispenser that you will see in most restaurants in the Midwest. That's another thing: toothpicks are a very regional product. We haven't come up with exact boundaries, but our marketers have pretty much crossed off California and Nevada. You'd think with all the cowboys and cowgirls in NV, maybe, perhaps ... but no.

Dear Kandi:

I think they are available in Toronto's Chinatown somewhere.

Dear Kandi:

I am made of wood. I am round, yet small. I have two pointed ends. I taper on the top, and on the bottom. I am jammed between the gleaming white teeth of an obese gentleman who has just finished his Whirlaway fried chicken dinner. He's lost the Henderson account, but he doesn't know it yet. Probably would have skipped dessert. No time for pie when your client base dips below a certain amount. Red lines on the computer, easy to spot by a supervisor or two. Then you have to go back to the management classes, they try to tweak you ‒ up to a point. Then they cut you loose. Can't be cut loose, then there's no pie ever. What am I? That's right ‒ I am a toothpick.

2002jul01. Mail.

Yay! Yay! I want free [Macros #8]! Yay yay! FREE FREE FREE.

(this is a cheer I just made up, try to envision it with cheerleaders and a marching band)

I am. Now I am imagining that while the marching band is on the field, they are forming giant letters and numbers that spell out your address. Also that all the cheerleaders are hot for me, but I think the band is more important here.

2002jul02. Breast Exams By Satellite. I don't know, if someone was stupid enough to believe this, I wouldn't be turned on anymore. Astronauts.

2002jul05. Doc was spammed by BUTCH PATRICK EDDIE MUNSTER:

Subject: * Accept Your FREE Vegas Vacation Now! *

Eddie Munster says...

Do you want to stay in the greatest City on Earth & not pay a dime for it?

"Your Complimentary 4 Day / 3 Night GETAWAY in Vegas"

Butch Patrick AKA Eddie Munster from "The Munsters" TV Series wants you to be his guest for a fabulous Romantic 4 Day / 3 Night Getaway in Vegas. Butch is so proud of his newest Five Star Resort Club de Soleil, he is offering 4 days and 3 nights at a major strip Resort as a gift from the kid with the pointy ears. Enjoy a romantic getaway to the most exciting city on Earth, Las Vegas Nevada. To enjoy all the sights and sounds of Las Vegas with that special someone Compliments of Butch Patrick and Club de Soleil, CLICK [URL]!!!

* You must be 26 Years of age or older to participate.

2002jul05. Douglas Rushkoff has a telemarketing tip ... for you!

2002jul08. The Big Fat Lie [fakeroo subscription required]. This article is "goin' around," as they say.

If you work out the numbers, you come to the surreal conclusion that you can eat lard straight from the can and conceivably reduce your risk of heart disease.

I have been telling people this for years. Pick up my new book, Lard Can Diet, wherever things are sold.

2002jul10. Man, them U.S. roadblock descriptions are surefire powerful readin'. [via doc]

1) The police at this roadblock carry out an operation they call "playing the game." They immediately accuse you of having drugs on you, and inform you that if you don't fork them over everyone in the car is going to jail (an obvious bluff). They are notorious for searching teenagers and young adults, and if you have long hair, dreadlocks, or are wearing a bandana, you can count on being searched. They wasted a good forty-five minutes of our time trashing our car and letting dogs trample all over it. They seemed to be making a lot of arrests. Since my experience, it has come to my attention that there are frequently roadblocks in this exact area.

2) Stopped and asked for license and insurance. The officer was not patient enough to let me continue searching for insurance card which had slipped into the owners manual. I was given a ticket for driving without insurance. I was also asked many times if I had been drinking.

2002jul10. A special note to anyone who's in line to receive Macros #8: I didn't expect the demand to be as high as it is. It will take awhile for me to hand-letter each issue. No! I mean, mail them all out. So please be patient. Be my patient. Say "ahhhhhh." Hrmm. That's odd, you have a large red fleshy tumor permanently lodged in your mouth. It seems to thrash around when you speak ... Nurse! Get the carbolic acid.

2002jul11. For those of you renting cars, watch your back ... Budget (at the very least) is getting creative with their contracts. In addition, this GPS nonsense is going too far:

Trenery noted that tracking information Budget provided for one client included what hotels he stayed in each night.

If you're going to rent from Budget, you'd better bring your own contract that indicates you will not be charged for GPS-detected speeding, at the very least (an unsubstantiated report going around is that someone is being charged $1800 extra by Budget for speeding and for repairs that "might" be needed because she drove it off-road). Of course they won't sign it ... that's when you move your feet. Better yet, save time and don't go to Budget at all. I used to be a Budget customer, it's really no trouble at all to switch ‒ I'd rather not be charged for theoretical repairs and tracked to where I'm sleeping for the night. It's the futuristic world of telematics! [via peacedividend]

2002jul12. I thought A Laughing Dog's Discovery had wrapped for the season, but apparently they're still recording new shows. The new show seems to feature the skeleton of the Niko Niko Punsuka Hamuemon set and logistics, but it's done up in a Star Wars theme. So everyone's wearing half-height Star Wars costumes (Hamuzo becomes Jabba the Hutt, etc). It looks like Admiral Akbar gets slathered with the irritant ... "It's a trap!"

2002jul12. is offering 10% off any of their books that are also available at Amazon, with free shipping. google " 'poor customer service'"

2002jul15. Mail.

> Attn:- Purchasing / importing department, Dear Sir / Madam, Hoping very fine you in all matters. We manufacture the following items of international standard:- MANICURE, PEDICURE, BEAUTY CARE , SURGICAL, MEDICAL, DENTAL INSTRUMENTS AND TWEEZERS / SCISSORS OF ALL KINDS and offer you the above becuase you are importer/distributor and whole seller of them .We have the abilities to supply you above items of any size (big or small) as per your delivery schedule against better prices while comparing to yours or others prices.

Keeping in view the above, please give us a share of your present requirements of above items enabling us to prove our worth practically (quality-wise, prices-wise and service-wise) Your any question in the matter is highly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.

Yours truly Mian Sher [name]
[name] Industries
email: [Pakistan address]

Good day to you, Mian Sher [name]!!!!!

I would need to know a few things before I commit to ordering beauty care (and other) supplies from Pakistan.

1) Where are you located in Pakistan?

2) My understanding is that Pakistan is a "trouble spot." What are you doing to meet this challenge "head-on"?

3) What sort of beauty supplies do you stock? Do you have "local" brands of interest?

4) Are you ISO 9001? 9000? This is not a requirement, but it is always nice to know when one is "friends of the family," eh?

Thank you very kindly for your attention to this matter.

S. Tiburon

Dear Mr. S. Tiburon Thank you for your message, showing interest in our products. Under are the answer of your questions:- 1. We are located in an industrial City Sialkot (Pakistan) 2. Pakistan is not a trouble spot. It is very good to us as we are doing all the deeds normally without any harder. Anyhow there is a tention due to India but nothing. It is the India that is killing muslims in Kashmir and in other parts of the India. 3. We manufacture Beauty care, maincure instruments such Razor edge barber scissors, Thinning Scissors, Nail and cuticle Scissor, eye brow tweezer, Nail and cuticle nipper/cutter all these items of many kinds. 4. Still we have not obtained ISO 9002 certificate but we are considering to get the same. 5. Kindly inform us your complete mailing/visiting address with your fax and phone numbers for our needful. Your any further question in the matter is highly appreciated. Thanks and best regards Mian Sher [name]

Mian Sher [name] my friend!

Thank you for your quick follow-up. I am sorry to hear about your problems with India. The whole world watches your hair-trigger nuclear showdown with fear and uncertainty. We are currently moving our entire facility to a more "tony" location, and for the time being we are accepting mail at the following address: [address]. What we really need to see is photographs of the products you sell ‒ here the best option would be a full-color catalog, though a black-and-white one will do in a pinch, and of course pricelists for lots, quantity discounts, etc. I am also wondering about the packaging ‒ we have had problems with overseas products in the past, in that the packaging was "inappropriate" for US import. We are looking for dynamic packaging, packaging that SELLS! SELLS, DO YOU HEAR ME! This is the best packaging, I believe. When I am happy with your products, I will give you more contact information - our operators are swamped enough as it is, and this is a very dynamically crazy time here, with the move and all, I barely have enough time to use my own nail cutter! Ha! Ha! I hope our futuristic business dealings will be delicious!


[reply pending.]

2002jul17. Sega's got a hot game out called Roommania. Stay in your room! Play video games! Sit on the edge of your bed ... for awhile. Stare listlessly at your walls! Get a fro! In your own room, all things are possible. SEGA! [link provided via the Cardhouse Anonymous Tip Line]

2002jul18. Old Japanese coffee commercials (1; 2 ). [via holly]

[Memo to self: Sue Nichibutsu for turning my hands into hamburger]

2002jul19. A request from a reader.

I'm looking for some Wendy's fast-food chain training videos. Particularly one in which actors dressed as Wendy's employees dance around a light-bulb rimmed apparatus of some sort and sing a number which I can only guess is called "white red and green." Just wondering if you even knew where I could look for such a thing. I'm stumped myself.

2002jul20. Maakies: Spacklin'.

2002jul21. I have received an electronic signal indicating that I may remove and eat the food in the box.

2002jul22. Ftrain: Amusing google searches.

2002jul23. Kuro5shin discussion: leaving the US for political reasons.

2002jul24. Japanese cereal commercial. With tentacles.

2002jul24. Operation Carnival Booth. [via boingboing] A treatise on the neural-net CAPS system flagging of "suspicious" airline passengers and a simple/intuitive method to dance around it. Since CAPS can be circumvented, this means that its performance is worse than random checks. How much did we pay for this thing? Oh, and this little gem:

Future versions of CAPS, however, will be able to incorporate a richer set of data, including driving history, credit card purchases, telephone call logs, and criminal records, among other information. Though allowing CAPS to access some of this data would require changes in privacy legislation, Congress, following on the heels of the PATRIOT act, is poised to facilitate.

2002jul24. Operation TIPS rises from dead: Screw Armey. [via this modern world] "Our interest in establishing the Operation TIPS program is to allow American workers to share information they receive in the regular course of their jobs in public places and areas." Like meter readers. Got it. Get out the chalk.

2002jul27. I've been getting spam every day for the last week from an ink cartridge seller. Each return email address is of course a different yahoo "one off" name ("dixxroglinkx"), the subject lines are misleading ("do you still wanna go?," "Your way is my way," etc) and the body of the mail message is just a link to the domain. So I thought I'd pass along their 800 number, since they really want people to call them. It's 800 675 4319. Remember, calls to this number cost the company money, so make sure your calls are extremely short, to the point, and don't hang up in the middle of the order. That would be wrong. Inks! [don't forget to star-67 or whatever it is to block Caller ID if you're on your own phone.] [disregard that - star-67 apparently doesn't work against 800 numbers ‒ a payphone would be good here]

2002jul28. Monster Dolls. Buy them, take them home, love them. For they are monsters. Snap on organs!

2002jul28. How far are you going to take this little charade, Dust-off? You've already hurt yourself and your friends ... what now, Dust-off, what now?

2002jul28. Spam-related mail.

800 675 4319 "The mailbox to --fulljack?-- is full."

Guess we've done our job, huh?

Amy (Who's Very Impressed with Macros, thank you very much.)

Ah! I usually call the number during the week - as you know, hand models tend to get callbacks only during the weekends. Someone else sent me these pointers to spam-trackers:


share and enjoy:
One Source Computer Corp. (LVMFNSKIYD)
119 Herbert st
Framingham, MA 01702


That's the one, officer. Take 'em away. What? I thought I got to say that. I didn't get any spam from them today, and I sort of miss it now, just like when excruciating pain dissipates ... "wait ... come back ..." In other news, if you leave Lightlife meatless low fat cholesterol free Smart Links Italian (that's the name of the product ‒ not "Italian Smart Links" or "Smart Links Italian-style") in the fridge for a day or two you no longer have n soy-based hot dogs joined together, you have one (1) soy-based mass that is shaped like n soy-based hot dogs, which means that when you try to separate the hot dogs it is like separating modelling clay or dirt, which destroys the half-fantasy of eating a dead pig. Fool your friends! Great for parties. [Due to rising production costs, Fridge Funnies has been cancelled until further notice]

2002jul28. I let some people tour the Cardhouse Facility awhile ago, now it's on the web. Everythin's onna web nowadays.

2002jul31. I am totally buying into this, of course a prince is out walkin' around in the desert by himself without water. The other guys? Yeah, I'm in. I'm buying the whole damned Dead Prince franchise.

August 2002.

2002aug09. There goes my Summertime Lime habit.

2002aug12. Ebay: This is it. The ultimate collectible. Madonna's half-eaten Twizzlers package. Like all things Madonna, it shocks us, and makes us see things in a "new" ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

2002aug14. Walking back to the US from Tijuana post 9/11 now takes forever, in the hot, hot sun. Riding a bus (Mexicoach, etc) also takes forever, but at least you're sitting and occasionally street urchins will do four-ball cascades for the passengers while standing on a thin concrete barrier. When we unloaded into customs two weeks ago, there was a line just for bikes, and most of them had similar number tags displayed on the front handlebars. I spoke to one of the guys in line, and sure enough, it's a business. Now National Guardsmen will hold your bike while you go through the metal detector. Awww. The bike line was cookin' when we were there, it appears that they've streamlined the process a bit.

2002aug15. Cockeyed: The Helicopter rolls his own.

2002aug15. A McCarthy for the 21st Century.

2002aug16. Little Brother Gets Busted. (2001) A lighthearted look at federal mandatory minimum drug sentencing laws. The shockwave file will take awhile to load.

2002aug16. Bringing Down The House: Those crazy MIT kids and their team card-counting schemes. Why does that photo look like something clipped out of Playboy circa 1984? [via blogdex]

2002aug16. East meets West: Inventor creates 'Sushi Stapler' with edible staples for fast sushi-makin' action. [NYT: requires stewpid registration]

2002aug16. Can you read people's thoughts just by looking at them? long article by Malcolm Gladwell. Essential read.

2002aug19. If you are from the bay area and you're looking for a little weekend day trip, I am recommending Pinnacles National Monument. One of the trails (Balconies Caves Trail) features a short cave (I believe the other cave trail is currently closed) that opens out into the bottom of a giant crevice. This crevice is filled with house-sized boulders; you walk under all of them. This was the most amazing thing I'd seen in quite awhile, very surreal. The second most amazing thing was watching all of the families jetting through this crevice without comment. Most of them didn't even look up, it was as if they were in line at the DMV. I wanted to point and scream, "Big scary rock! Directly overhead! We're on the Hayward fault right now! No guarantee of your safety!" If you want to check it out, be aware that the park has no road connecting the West and East portions. We came around to the East entrance through Hollister, which means the trail to Balconies Caves Trail is a flat 2.3 miles. This seemed a bit long when coupled with the Balconies Caves/Cliff Trail loop; perhaps you'd be better off arriving at the West entrance by going through Soledad. Then the hike is only .6 miles, but of "moderate" difficulty. In any event, it seemed like approaching the Balconies Caves Trail from the East (it's a loop) would lend itself to a more dramatic experience. Unless you've got to get new tags for your car.

2002aug21. I think you're special. That's why I'm sending you here. I want you to share in my pain. Let me know how long it sticks.

2002aug21. Cardhouse and/or Macros2000 now has a "tip jar." This means that you can purchase the current Macros2000 magazine electronically, or you can donate money so I can keep these sites running and clean. I run tight, sanitary websites, and janitorial supplies don't grow on trees, unless you're talking about that "Orange Blossom All Natural Citrus Solvent." That one does, for the most part. And also the Ultra 2400 Propane Powered Burnisher. Let's get in trouble, baby.

2002aug21. Somewhere, deep within the steamy bowels of Microsoft HQ, lies a puzzle, as devious as Bill Gates himself. No, it's not to weed out potential employees - this is a brain-teaser for Microdrones. One drone is trying to cheat!!!! Let's all put our various heads together and win two grand for someone else. Or, if you're crafty, solve it yourself, get hired to Microsoft, and grab the cash.

2002aug21. The Straight Dopers are chewing on the Microsoft puzzle as well. Beat them. Beat them. [via doc]

2002aug25. You totally add one more A pill to your hand then you cut each of the four of them in half and you eat one half of each pill then the next day you eat the other half of each pill.

2002aug27. Cockeyed: How Much Is Inside The Million Which Is Dollars?

2002aug27. I visited the California State Fair with friends over the weekend. We went into the first of two "crappy small business" buildings there. You know, knife sharpening, rug cleaners, FREE SPINAL EXAM, etc. We watched the guy commanding a jewelry booth, omnipresent hands-free Judy-the-Time-Life-operator microphone dangling in front of his mouth. People were lined up, giving him twenty dollars for ring-mounted pearls. Mounted right there, while-u-watch. We sat on the side, and quietly observed as he opened an oyster, pulled out the pearl, mounted it, then his hands went down to get a small bag to put it in and he switched it with a different pre-bagged pearl ring. Perhaps this was just a motion of convenience, but at the time we thought of it as low rookery.

September 2002.

2002sep01. Cockeyed: How Much Is Inside The Stockton Tunnel?

2002sep04. I went back to Pinnacles with some friends this weekend, and we came in on the West side. Much more picturesque. The hike was shorter as well, which is a bonus in 101-degree weather. Then we went to the Santa Cruz boardwalk and watched change fall out of the pockets of people riding one of those insane loop-de-loop rides. I can't remember the name, but they had the same ride at the State Fair with a different name: "Evolution." Which is probably the best name for a ride like that. "Well, well, here we are ..." I haven't seen any mention of "fatballs" here on the West Coast, it was a staple of county/state fairs back home in Hilltucky. Let me crazy!

2002sep07. I have taken the time to write down some proverbs that may help you in your day-to-day travails. Do not look askance upon free advice; it may lead you to the best of all possible worlds if its application is thorough and consistent.

1.) It does no good to defend territory that is occupied by others most of the day.

2.) The squirrel that sits on the fence and makes noises all the time will soon be the unhappy squirrel.

3.) Do you remember the broom? Oh, that's right ‒ you didn't like the broom.

4.) The shutting up period of indefinite length will begin now. Now. NOW.

5.) That's it, fucker. Bristletime.

2002sep08. Your dad was much smoother at this, he really put on a show.


2002sep09. If anyone knows of any source for clear photo pages that are around 8.5x11 inches and most likely have standard three-ring binder holes (though I could punch my own, I'm that kind of DYI guy), please let me know. I've seen some but they're thick plastic quality overkill for professional presentations (read: "$").

2002sep13. "FBI Tactical Carpet #2173a has been deployed, sir."

2002sep13. As long-time readers of this journal are aware, around this time every year I compose my "Ode To Autumn." It is a small token of my appreciation for the colors and majesty of the season, it being the most regal and enjoyable of the four.

Leaves fall
on my ass

2002sep14. Cockeyed: Did You Put The Balls In Before Or After It Rolled Over? Contest

2002sep15. "Fight and decisively win multiple, simultaneous major theatre wars." Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, disgusting subhuman trash.

2002sep18. Mr. Tea.

(extracted from an ad-laden 1907 UK copy of The Jungle)
(2017: image lost; replaced with actual photo of Teasmade [does web search] good lord they still exist) (2017: finds ad later)

2002sep18. Haw haw funny Air Traffic Control jokes. Note: I can't get even one of those live ATC links to work. [via 24h drive-thru weblog]

2002sep19. Ahoy, mateys!!!!! A wee tabby thought it could stowaway in my vessel while the port major checked a leak in the head, arrrrRRRR! It snuck across the gangplank and scurried up the mizzenmast to hide under the Cap'ns bunk, ye hearrrrrRRR? At first your Cap'n was all "WHOOOAAAA NO!!! NO!! NO NO NO ARR NO ARR NO ARR!!!!" and then the Cap'n tried coaxing the tabby out with kind, gentle talk like "here, puss puss arrrrr ... arr" and then I GRAB'T 'im 'n' I made that tabby WALK THE PLANK!!!! SHEEEARRRRRR!!!! Arr. "Arr," I guess.

2002sep19. Ye can't fool me, Saddam! Ye fool me once, then the other one, then back to the first one ... Texassee ... half-dozen of one, then the other fool ... we don't get fooled again! No no no!!!! SHEARRRRR!!!!

2002sep19. Mail.


September 19 ‒ The finest day for swashbuckling ever there was.

RE: "Leaves fall on my ass"

A small piece of advice:

Stop lying
on your stomach

2002sep20. U.S. Bombing Watch

2002sep21. Get a FREE Steak Dinner with the purchase of a PM Special using Shell Rotella T.


2002sep25. And now, the New Orleans Doctor Cliff weather update.

Today in New Orleans, we are enjoying a rare 'triple t(h)reat' of weather excitement. We are currently under warning for tornadoes, flash floods, and a hurricane. Yippee! There's no wind of any sort but it has been raining steadily for over 24 hours and the ground is fully saturated. New rain just piles up on top of the old rain, which hasn't been pumped over the levees yet. the expected 'more rain' this evening could well set parked cars into motion. A friend called to report that water had already breached the door of her car parked outside, and another call reports a television set floating down rampart street. we're leaving the Doctorcliff enclave to head for higher ground ‒ a friend with a 2-story place. We worked out a supply list which includes lots of beer, chex mix, and ammo. The only lacking provision (to be picked up en route) is a bottle of scotch.

2002sep26. The Mormons are spying ... on you! I mean, this guy.

2002sep26. A New Life, Soaked in Flammable Liquid.. Read the responses, as well. [via jwz]

2002sep27. Rotodesign took one look at the Cardhouse Wishlist [link dead], sized it up, crammed a smartbomb filled with stuff and sent it through the front door, killing all of us with its powerful core of tactical reading material. Hire the Rotodesign team for your next "graphic design" thingee and repay my outstanding debt. Then I'll owe you instead.

2002sep27. Marine Tour '02! Man, what fun ... imagine, your city ... UNDER SIEGE! [via itchy robot]

2002sep27. Way back when, I saw a great film called Maestro, The King of Cowboy Artists by Les Blank and I just found out the Maestro's got a "website," so check it out, y'all.

2002sep28. Old, utterly surreal/cold/disgusting Ikea press release.

Top 10 Items in the Home that Comfort People the Most Since September 11:
1. Pictures of family and friends
2. Couch
3. Entertainment Center
4. Bed
5. Chair
6. Candles, candlesticks
7. Kitchen Table
8. Home Office
9. Plants
10. Blanket

More brazen foot-in-mouth crap here. [via iain]

October 2002.

2002oct01. You are buying original comic artwork from the original artists! You are using Comic Art Collective because all the money goes to the artist! Those people over at C.A.C., they're nuts. Their pain is your gain!

2002oct08. Exchange emails through handshake. Think of the pastabilities! With this amazing technology, you can get a computer virus and a real virus at the same time! I'm still waiting for the robot to climb up the damned stairs and give me my beer.

2002oct09. Mail.

My 5th grade son Ryan [last name] would like to work for your company playing or rating games. If you have anything available please let me know. Thank You.
Sandra [last name]

2002oct09. Mail.

I'm sorry you feel so bigoted about Ad men see here and flossy pork, which just sounds daft in the translation. I have a tin on my desk here and it's so good I'm going to re-brand it and import it!

Bigoted? Just like an ad-man ‒ god, scrape up some money between all of you and get a dictionary. As far as flossy pork goes (and it can) ... It's a race to the poorhouse! I think you will win, ad-man. I don't have a job, but you're putting out sweet sweet money for PORK FLOSS. There's your gimmick, eh? Portion-controlled piggies that clean your teeth! Good luck.

2002oct09. That nonsense with Willow returning to her super puppy-dog eyes personality after becoming HELL WITCH is just too much. She should at least have a little aggro spark in there somewhere, not this "whiney" Willow stuff (her own words). I'm not talking about an "evil" spark, it just seems like she should be like "you know, I almost destroyed the world, I bet I could pick up a phone AND FIGURE THE FUCK OUT WHY MY FRIENDS DIDN'T PICK ME UP AT THE AIRPORT ROARARRRRRR DESTROY EARTH"

I mean, except for that last part.

2002oct09. Here is a "fun puzzle" for Bay Area commuters. Why are there regular Blackhawk helicopter patrols running up and down US-101 several times a day? Six in the morning, 7:30pm at night, you name it, for the last week or so? They're at about three hundred feet, it totally blows the camouflage. Fleet Week? The coast is thirteen miles thataway, boys.

2002oct09. Another exciting puzzle. This is the second time it's come up in the last year, and I go off on a google jag for an hour and never find it. There is an oft-used musical piece, an orchestral string-plucking happy tune, very bouncey, that sounds a lot like the original music composed for the "Land of Chocolate" sequence on the Simpsons, but is not. It also may have been used in the Ren & Stimpy double-episode Stimpy's Big Day/The Big Shot and/or other episode(s). It is not Hugo Winterhalter's "Vanessa" but sort of sounds like that as well. Any help would be appreciated.

2002oct10. Mail.

Is it "Holiday for Strings?"
-- Destiny-land

Well, it --

Here's my guess as to the mystery music you're asking about...

"Holiday For Strings"?

I've attached a version by The Voices Of Walter Schumann, whoever they may be... more info on the particulars in the mp3 tags.

Usually when I boast about "the voices" I'm asked to up my dosage.
-- Scott M.

Okay. Originally this request was made by someone who was looking for a pizzicato instrumental musical composition that was used extensively in commercials. I believe this is the same song that is used in "Stimpy's Big Day" during the make-up sequence (the commercial VHS tape features practically no musical credits at the end). This does not sound like "Holiday for Strings" (available here). There are variants of "Holiday for Strings," perhaps it's actually one of these (Spike Jones?). It is not the Voices of Walter Schumann version, that's got the creepy choir singing along with practically the entire song ("doo doo, dooOOOoooodahhh" brrrrrr). There are a lot of these speeded-up plucky string instrumentals, and it seems that the success of "Holiday for Strings" is the reason (read the note at the url above).

2002oct10. Mail.

Is it Happy Go Lively by Laurie Johnson ‒ the happiest song in the world?
-- misterpants

Yes, Mr. Pants! For more information/verification, see here, and there, and way over that way. So much for my googlin' prowess. And thanks to everyone who wrote in!


Bowlingual (news story here, Japanese-only home page here) is a small electronic device that will translate your dog's "feelings" into Japanese phrases, which is great if you speak Japanese. My Japanese is pretty poor, but by slowly, methodically "lying" I was able to translate some of the standard "feelings" which appear to the right. [via misterpants]

2002oct12. I was following a Subaru in my car earlier today and there was a large Husky in the back. We stopped at a light, then the light turned green, and the Subaru hit the gas and the Husky's ass was pressed against the back window for a few seconds. Well, that's my funny story for today. I need to go outside and tell the ice cream man I would like to hear "Turkey in the Straw" a few million more times before I turn in. I will tell him this with a magical speaking brick.

2002oct14. I AM BOILERPLATE ... I WILL EAT YOU ... I love the internet.

2002oct14. A friend writes ...

In the context of bowling, what is a "bungee" or "bungee frame"?

I am seeing references via google that seem to indicate that it is equivalent to "bumper bowling." If anyone can shore this up or set me straight, please do.

2002oct15. Mail.

Regarding your fun puzzle... there have been exercises at the Concord Naval Weapons Station for a couple weeks or so. Imagine my initial surprise at seeing a US Marine in full battle gear standing guard at the corner of Willow Pass and Olivera road.... but that's what it was i guess.

Ah. Port Chicago. I still fail to understand "let's pretend we're driving down US101 at 300 feet" aspect of their commute. I'd yell up to them, but the noise makes me want to run in a closet and hide.

2002oct16. Hooray! The tenth telemarketing call from my robot buddy Michael Seever in as many weeks. The phone number's changed, though, it's 1 800 634 5018 now, just in case you wanted to give them your checking account number. Strange behavior for a "non-profit." Wow, they have a lot of names. Coincidentally, my barber bent my ear off the other day about the incredible amount of telemarketers trying to weasel their way into his wallet, asking for his SSN, checking account number, etc. I guess I should be happy with just Mr. Seever's pre-recorded company. Unfortunately they're in Florida, too far to drive for me. Somebody go work for them and scramble their phone number DB. Thanks.


The I Don't Like Hard Things in Soft Things Manifesto.

I have a series of stringent rules involving the material composition of cakes, candies, and other dessert items. In the past, I have relied on a general rule, "No Hard Things In Soft Things," but it has come to my attention that there are exceptions. In an effort to quell public fear of the unknown, I am sharing the list with you, my friends. There are swear words in the manifesto, because of how important this is.

1) No Nuts In Cake.
This is a simple rule, and is unbreakable. There is no present need for nuts in cake, and the taste sensation of biting into something hard while enjoying the smoothness of something velvety soft is something that everyone should be able to avoid with a minimum of fuss and outrage. There are cakes that have whole nuts in them, cakes that have broken nuts in them, and cakes that have ground nuts in them. These are all illegal cakes.

2) No Nuts On Cake.
Again, the stress-resistance between the cake and the nuts is too great. There also is nothing visually pleasing about thinly-sliced almonds, for example; it appears as if someone has gone and dumped a crate of Lee Press-On Nails onto the top of the otherwise delicious confection. The usual configuration of nuts on cake consists of a thin layer of chopped nuts slathered on the side of the cake so it looks like gravel. This is easily scraped off onto the closest wall or dog.

3) No Nuts On Pie.
I don't see this that much, but when I do, I take pause, gather my strength, and remove the offending nuts in question. Why, I ask an uncaring world. Why does everything have to have the goddamn nuts on?

4) No Nuts In Pie.
Unlike nuts in cake, nuts in pie present a more complex dilemma. It is almost possible to remove all of the nuts in question in the first two categories of nuts-in-cake ‒ the whole nuts, and the semi-nuts. But with pie, it is a different story. It's just not worth the effort. If there are nuts hiding in pie, you can bet I'll be somewhere else and I will leave no forwarding address for the odd pie chock full o' nuts.

5) No Nuts In Brownies.
I cannot even begin to enumerate the experiences I've had encountering nuts in brownies. These are the nut-infested brownies that escape careful and prolonged visual inspection, usually with a layer of clear fluorescent-lit glass between my eyeballs and the object in question. I will always always follow up my examination with a question posed to the confectioner: "Are there nuts in the brownies?" I don't know why I bother, invariably the answer is "no" and invariably I've just purchased a fucking nut brownie. Now I'm starting to understand why people freak out over trivial things ‒ what you're seeing is a lifetime of disappointment and frustration finally breaking free and taking majestic flight.

6) No Nuts In Ice Cream.
The ultimate soft confection, marred forevermore by the presence of nuts. It will not happen on my watch. It will not happen. Being resourceful, I can dig around the nuts like an inverse treasure hunt ("Rrrrrrrrra, seitam!") and be somewhat satisfied.

7) Nuts On Ice Cream ‒ Okay, with restrictions.
Here I am thinking of those nutty-buddy cones, with the sprinkling of ground cashews on top. Combined with the hard chocolate coating, the nuts please me. While on this topic, it seems important to mention that hard ice cream cones are okay. The ability to eat a food's own container trumps the hard-vs-soft problem by about fifty times.

I am still developing this list. There seems to be an infinite amount of foodstuffs to which one can add nuts. Finally, let's wrap this up with a conversation I had with my mother about a year ago:

Mom: And I made a cake for your birthday!
Me: Wow! Thanks! What kind is it?
Mom: It's a carrot cake with white icing, and it's got nuts in it.
Me: Great!
Mom: What?
Me: No! That's good!
Mom: You're the one who doesn't like nuts.

Next week: Have you seen my "cell phone hammer"?

2002oct17. Mail.

Adding nuts to soft confections is just one of an entire class of nonsteroidal additive methods which extend (or "juice") foodstuffs to increase the number of available servings. This practice that dates back several centuries, and the ebb and flow of its application parallels that of history's leaner times (e.g. the Black Death, the Great Depression, the WB network). Other (un)popular additives are dried fruits, citrus rind, coconut, and common tubers. Even in times of great bounty, these "juiced" foods seem to remain a favorite with public school students, hospital patients, and military personnel ‒ with the exception of the soufflé, the contents of which transcend disappointment.

2002oct17. More nut mail.

In Bolivia you can get cherimoya ice cream, which contains the (inedible) seeds of the fruit. Taking a bite of ice cream and then having to spit foreign objects onto the sidewalk is about as wrong as you can get.

-- Defective Yeti

Bolivia: Bring strainer. Check.

Nuts to Nuts

I personally have never understood the need to put nuts in any food whatsoever. I'll leave the dessert forum to you, but personally, my general rule is "No nuts, no how."

I can't count the number of otherwise fantastic meals (especially around the holidays) when I've sat down to what I thought was going to be a great serving of stuffing only to find that there were almond slivers mixed in there. (At this point it should probably be known that I think almond slivers are satan's minions.)

Cereal is another food that seems to have been invaded by nuts. Wheat flakes, bits of fruit and almond slivers or walnut clusters or pecan chunks. Cereal should eventually end up slightly soggy in your milk. It should not end up as a bi-level conglomeration of slightly soggy stuff on top with hard nuts underneath. Fortunately, these types of cereals tend to be on the top shelves at your grocery store. So, if you're like me, your eyes need never see these offenses to nature if they never rise above the level of the Cocoa Puffs.

I suspect the Chinese are at least in part responsible for this epidemic. They seem to thrive on adding peanuts and cashews to everything. Fortunately, peanuts and cashews are easy to pick out, it's those damn almond slivers that ruin a dish completely. (I will also admit that I do usually eat the cashews. Of course, I eat them separately and apart from whatever dish they came hidden in.)

Lest people think I am just a big 'hater of nuts', let me say that it is untrue. There's nothing better than a handful of salted cashews while sitting around the table playing cards. Honey roasted peanuts are a marvelous treat. And how many fond memories do I have of breaking open hard shells with a silvered nutcracker, while watching football in Grandpa's living room.

It's just that nuts are not a embellishment to anything else. They are a self-standing snack and should be left that way. It is not an advantage or plus to any dish to have to stop and chew up a hard, hidden intruder, when all you wanted was a forkfull of stuffing slathered in gravy.


Yes, I forgot to mention that I am "pro-isolated nut" as well ‒ I am extremely fond of pistachios, cashews, and pistachios. Okay, I don't like that many nuts, but I am not a nut bigot. What are those oily nuts? Walnuts? The ones that look like brains? Those can die, though.

Either you need to make an exception for pecan pie or face armed rebellion. Maybe if the pastry is over, oh, 75% nuts ‒ wherein nuts are an actual ingredient instead of just filler ‒ then nuts are allowed. Because I am willing to kill you over pecan pie. ‒ Greg

Well, well. It's the pro-nut "army." Let's do a quick headcount ... I see our four-strong anti-nut force has you overwhelmed, Greg. You want to rumble over nut-violated dessert? Bring it on, pie boy.

2002oct17. Nut mail III.

Even if the ice cream particulates/toppings start out soft, they are soon frozen by the ice cream, making them dangerously HARD! Like Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey pints. There should be a note on the lid that says "Think this through: It sounds delicious, but the bananas aren't soft. They are fronanas now. They will crack your teeth." Same goes for chocolate chip cookie dough (chocolate chip cookie fro).

-- Holly

I've never had the Chunky Monkey Parts, probably because I'm not a big fan of frozen bananas. However, the frozen dough, and the frozen little chocolate/peanut butter cups? Those, I'll dig around, isolate, then eat. A frozen nut though ‒ it's already pretty tasteless, and if it's frozen, it's not going to melt/thaw in your mouth as the dough and the cup will. Also, the tooth crack text is a good idea ‒ America loves disclaimers. Caution: This oven is hot when you're using it, Do not use this toaster in a swimming pool, This truck will not make your penis bigger, Don't jump out of this window, etc. [Special to "Greg": five to one]

2002oct18. Dan Raeburn's Imp #4 ("Historietas Perversas Mexicos Addictive Comics") is now out. Mexican pulp comics. I haven't seen it. It's twenty bucks, which means quality/quantity! Yep. Email address info here.

2002oct18. I went to the Golden Gate National Recreation Area station to bomb around the Sutro Bath ruins for the millionth time and use the facilities ‒ I then noticed that the Musée Mécanique was still open. What the? So I went in and got the 411, or, as you kids say nowadays, the "info." It's open on a "day-to-day" basis, they're still pushing permits around and building up a wall. It could close any day, and then it would take about four to five weeks to open at their new location on Fisherman's Wharf. They're hoping to roll before Halloween, because that's the start of the rainy season and it's going to make moving an even bigger hassle. The owner is paying double rent right now, on the old place and the new ‒ go on over there and drop a few quarters in the great old machines to help 'em out if you have the time. Also, in the bathroom, there was a kid sticking his entire head into the urinal as far as one could without actually touching anything, which was free of charge for both him and me. Then when I went into the stall, he stood right outside the door for awhile, facing the crack between the door and the partition. "Go back to the urinal, kid."

2002oct18. Nut mail IV.


I have no wish to impede your anti-nut movement. Already, your membership and the raw brainpower behind it are daunting. But I would ask you to reconsider the use of nuts in non-dessert food items. Chicken w/ cashews? The ground peanuts in the dipping sauce of a Vietnamese spring roll? The many uses of the pine-nut in Italian dishes? Perhaps these stray from your original "no hard things in soft things" doctorine, as my examples are more in the spirit of "nuts as a component item of a recipe," which, maybe, is fine with you. Maybe you can clarify, if the horse isn't dead yet. If it is, well, save us from becoming a third rate Chowhound. Please.

-- MrBrent


To clarify: exceptions are made on a case-by-case basis, but are rare. The Vietnamese dipping sauce I am familiar with is pretty much liquid peanuts, I don't recall this ground peanut sauce. East coast thing? Ground peanuts remind me of the ground nuts applied to the side of cakes (see Manifesto bullet point #2) ‒ it's as if the cook wants to "sneak nuts by" the patron by changing the physical composition of said nuts. That theoretical cook can go to hell. Pine-nuts in Italian dishes are little collectible tears arranged at the side of my plate after I've eaten.

2002oct18. Nut Mail V.

Just read your bits about putting hard things into soft things. (Which reminds me of another Web site I saw once...) I make a lot of zucchini bread during the summer, since my garden produces lots of that squash (whose doesn't). I like to include chopped walnuts in the bread. I noticed you didn't address the subject of hard things in bread. Was this on purpose, or an oversight? My coworkers, neighbors, and family all like my zucchini bread. A lot. Except for this one guy at work, Tito, who can't eat my bread on account of an allergy.

-- Mike

The manifesto was designed to give people a "general idea" of what is wrong with hard things in soft things. If I addressed every foodstuff, and every addition to every foodstuff, it would become lengthy, tedious and wh-- CHOPPED WALNUTS IN BREAD? You will be our first P.O.W.

2002oct21. Dr. Berk and I finally got around to playing Dance Dance Revolution even though we're long past our clubbing days. It was much more enjoyable than I thought it would be, and it's quite a workout. We played the "wimp" level horrendously the first two times, but triumphed on our third and final attempt. There were no broken bones, nor ambulances. (DDR articles here, great headline , videos).

2002oct23. Mimi Smartypants: National Treasure.

And then we had dinner, and then we invented a really dangerous appliance [...]: a deep-fat fryer for your car that plugs into the cigarette lighter. So you could drive to work and make onion rings at the same time. Except that your car would always stink of oil and then inevitably you would get in a fender-bender that would have resulted in minor whiplash at the very most, but now instead you have third-degree burns all over your thighs. Boy would that get recalled fast! Boy howdy!

2002oct23. Nut Mail VI.

Once at a wedding reception I was introduced to a dessert named Chess Pie. It is basically Pecan Pie with NO pecans in it. (i.e. It is good.) It was created by scientists to do battle with pecan pie on the streets of Tokyo.

--- Whygodwhy

This is how all nut-violated dessert should be. You would buy pistachio nut ice cream, and there would be a big burst on the package that said "CONTAINS NO NUTS" and also "PRODUCED IN A FACILITY THAT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A NUT IS."

Dear Mr. Whiney McWhinerton (aka Lookit Me ‒ I've Got Wacky Food Hangups ‒ Check out how WEIRD I am!), What do you care if a cook wants to sneak in nuts or not? This isn't some big conspiracy to "freak you out." It's not all about YOU, ya know. and ‒ it's not an east coast thing - the peanuts in the peanut sauce, we have it here in Oregon too, where we LOVE hard things in soft things . . .


Thanks for the "head's up," Tastee. I will avoid Oregon in the future!

2002oct23. From ... How To Be: Funny.

What always gets a rise out of the ladies is trying to sell things to strangers on the street, like selling your wallet to an old lady.

That bit kills. "Excuse me, you senile, doddering old biddie ‒ I would like to sell you my umbrella." What woman could hold onto her pants after that delicious zinger?

Her: Do you know why we are in bed right now?
Him: I do not know why.
Her: It was because of the umbrella bit. The old woman, she was a stranger. And you tried to sell her something.
Him: Ah.
[SFX: Sex]

2002oct25. Interview with Andrew Hyde, eliminated last week on The Amazing Race. creation of TAR series

2002oct25. MOLAS!

2002oct27. Adam Sandler's character in Punch Drunk Love apparently buys tons of pudding cups to get a million frequent flyer miles for pennies on the dollar. This actually happened (also here; photos here).

2002oct28. I think I'm going to be sick. Annie's Mild Mexican Shells is the way to go, it totally blows the doors off all other macaroni and cheese products. All of them. This reminds me of a cheese-substitute macaroni and cheese product called Chreese that is mixed especially for you by satan ... I get ill just rolling the ole' shopping cart by the Chreese display. [via scrubbles]

2002oct30. Always, always, always tap into parent's fears. Good for your cause. Oh, and you paid for this ad.

The drug czar's latest commercial, which was actually focus-grouped with teens and their parents, shows two teens getting stoned in their father's study, talking apathetically about a bunch of stuff. One pulls out a gun from his dad's drawer, the other asks lazily if it's loaded, and the gun-toting teen shrugs and shoots the other kid.

2002oct31. "I don't care about the French children. All I know is that American children must become lard rats. Roly-poly lard rats." [via metafilter]

November 2002.

2002nov01. I got telespammed by Hillary Clinton today. "This is Hillary Clinton, with an urgent message ..." YES, HILLARY, YES? IS IT ABOUT THE ELECTION? She wants me to vote for Gray Davis. She can go bash her own head in with a hammer. I don't know why she called, I'm pretty sure I wrote that I was a member of the Surrealist Party when I gave my thumbprint to the DMV. "There he goes again, with the thumbprinting ..."

2002nov02. After nearly three years of toil, the hole to hell has been completed. A must read. [via robotwisdom]

... let's say this plainly, clearly and soberly, so that no one can mistake the intention of Rumsfeld's plan--the United States government is planning to use "cover and deception" and secret military operations to provoke murderous terrorist attacks on innocent people. Let's say it again: Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and the other members of the unelected regime in Washington plan to deliberately foment the murder of innocent people--your family, your friends, your lovers, you--in order to further their geopolitical ambitions.

2002nov05. Now that we've digested all the candy from Halloween (and how much more air can you put in a "Fun" sized Three Musketeers bar before it floats away?), it's time to start thinking about how to trim the Christmas tree, if you're Christmasians. Here is how not to. Unless you'd like to present it to one of your alcoholic friends as a symbolic token of your distant-yet-thoughtful concern.

2002nov06. [Cardhouse] After two years of slumber, Otto opens his sleepy eyes, yawns, blinks a few times and disgorges a new release. Perhaps now Otto will get up and clean house. Perhaps he will reshingle the roof. Perhaps he ... zzzzzzzzZZZZZ


My Rhymes Are Quite Possibly The Best Ever

Please stand back. I will need some room for my rhyming skills, which seem to be pretty good. I am currently representing my hometown, or rather, the members of my immediate community who are interested in the rapperly arts. What makes me better than all of them? I don't really know. Jerry didn't come to the competition last week because he had a cold, so that left Lopez and Lopez, well, he's a mumbler, really. So I am representing. Now I am sending word out that your rhymes are probably facile and burdened with troubling scatalogical metaphors. I am just saying, is all. So by my way of thinking, my rhymes could be better than yours, and maybe most others as well. If they're not, then, well, I guess that's my problem, but for now I'm just going to go ahead and make that assumption. I'm not sure what the procedure is now ‒ do I have to sign a certificate or something? Anyway, my rhymes are quite possibly the best ever. Bust it. Thank you for your consideration.

2002nov10. [Cardhouse] Deck O' Junk updated.

2002nov12. Members of the international organization were shocked to discover that the United States is renewing its interest in ass-backward practice. [via fark]

2002nov18. Pie has a gravitational field that also extends through chronological space.

2002nov22. Christmas comes early for BigPharm. Shots or jail, proles.

2002nov22. Ebay: "You want this milk, little man? You think you're good enough for this milk?"

2002nov23. Look, all of this nonsense is really taking far, far too long. Let's cut out all of the middlemen and reassemble the Bureau of Printing and Engraving right in the White House. This way, our nation's great leaders can distribute any amount of money to whomever they wish without pissing all over the earth every single goddamn day in new and exciting ways.

2002nov26. Oh MAN!!! This has got to be the funniest piece of news I've read during this regime. The Shack is going to miss out on all of that sweet, sweet personal data from Total Information Awareness run by convicted felon John Poindexter. See, here's the thing ... the government is already selling your address to marketing companies. For example, everytime you move and fill out one of those "change of address" cards, well, that's more money in the government's pocket, because they sell your new address to marketers so they can send you more junk mail, so they can phone you during dinner to make sure that you got the junk mail they sent you (this happened to me just today ... thanks for following up on that, assholes). So imagine, now, what corporations can do with this massive amount of information that the government is about to tap into and historically sells. Are you following here?

If you think advertising is annoying now ... get ready for the TOTALLY MARKETED FUTURE ™

The really killer part is that when people start pulling away from credit cards, showing ID, etc, to avoid adding to their personal profile in The Beast (remember back in the '80s when there was a theoretical machine that was compiling total datasets on every human being alive called that? I think it was supposed to be located in Great Britain. Hahaha, boy that was a lark), well, that throws up the "suspicious activity" flag, and the next thing you know, you're gagged and bound in Guantanamo Bay with all of your other cash-only friends.

2002nov26. About Feinstein's "stand" for the privacy rights of Americans in this article ... Feinstein has been one of the big pushers of the Federal ID card, sneaking it in unrelated bills like frickin' nuts in brownies. "Dammit, my system ... not Poindexter's ... mine's got fingerprints!"

2002nov26. Doc mentioned that The Beast was actually supposed to be in Brussels. Good enough for some googly! Way too much googly. Here's the fun Christian version that comes up #1.

2002nov26. Cat & Girl.

2002nov26. Stupid thieves. You don't use one vehicle ‒ you steal a big truck, drive that through the window, leave it there and use your own car as an escape vehicle. I mean, theoretically. This is what one would do. If one was going to do something so ... deliciously ... heinous. Yes, heinous. Also of note: "shearlings." [via obscure store]

2002nov28. Getting On With The War.

2002nov29. Perusing a certain mp3 filesharing system today, I came across a shared song with the prefix


Also, while I'm here, I would like to ask each of you to "feel the rhythm." Thank you.

December 2002.

2002dec02. If you have sent mail to me using the contact page ... since, oh, let's say ... September ... then the mail fell into a huge hole and may return at some point in the near future and I will respond. Before you get all pouty ... here, look ‒ oodles of tourist scams. My favorite is the fake arms holding the baby.

2002dec04. Mail for Dr. Berk, our Staff Chemist.

Dr.Berk i've allways wanted to know what would happen to us, the world and what it would be like when human life has died out, and also the world is destroyed.

- Thomas

Dr. Berk has forwarded your question to me, the "caretaker" of Cardhouse Hothouse Plastics Ltd for an answer.

Let us start with the end. Who knows how it happens, perhaps it's the heat death of the sun, or do astronomists say we'll move too close to the sun first and fry up crispy-style? I can't remember. Anyway, we're all dead, especially those of us who have obnoxious cellphone ringtones and talk to our cellphone friends about how cool it is that we're writing a check out to the supermarket clerk at the same time ‒ by a strange quirk of physics, those people will die first; horrible, horrible deaths that the rest of us will get to watch on giant DiamondVision screens in the larger gathering places of our respective countries (baseball stadiums, bullfighting rings, etc). But let's skip over the messy part. The earth is quiet now. Finally. Perhaps there's an automated factory or two still churning out PCBs for fast-food shakes, but the whole human race is gone. Then, as you mention, the world is destroyed. So instead of the Earth, let us suppose there is a hole. Well, the moon is going to be pretty pissed and just spin off somewhere into space. Let's play a fun game and assume, though the chances are really quite small, that the moon actually hits another planet or moon or one of our porn channel satellites. Well, then there's an explosion. Sort of like when Shoemaker-Levy hit Jupiter. Then things are quiet again. The next time a UFO comes to probe a few more of our butts, they're all like "WTF? Did I miss the turn?" Then they see all of our space debris and 500-channel satellites going "beep beep beep?" and realize there will be no more probing, ever. The end.

2002dec04. Mail That Was Lost But Now It Is Found.

i used to be able to buy heide "private stock" jucyfruits at a k-mart in illinois- are they still available? jim

Yes. No.

Looking for a roll of candy wafers, round, with a heart stamped on top with a cute saying, called Love Hearts. Not conversation hearts.

I am looking for a briefcase full of cash stamped with a cute saying: "THIS IS YOURS."

In your research, have you come across any of the parent companies for these candy cigarettes? I'm curious to find out if these candies were actually put out by the cigarette companies or by independent candy manufacturers.


This is the second email I've gotten about this. No. The candy companies put out candy cigarettes that looked like cigarettes with the blessing of the major cigarette manufacturers, or they did themselves "on the sly," hoping (correctly) that they wouldn't get sued. Or maybe they hadn't even thought of that lawsuit angle. That's how it was, back then. A lawless mélange of corporations and people, trying to do good in a world that really didn't care. What?

I am currently taking a college class that wants me to examine and spruce up existing packaging of a product with a logo and name that are synoymous with each other. Living in Canada and able to purchase Popeye candy sticks I have done so. I read that they are not available in the US. Is that true? Also, do you know why they as well as other sticks like them are no longer called candy cigarettes? Is it due to the political corrected society we live in?

You can get package variants of Popeye candy "sticks" in the US. They are no longer called candy cigarettes because they don't want to attract any attention to themselves. Shhhhh.

DEAD BEAT DAD! HAROLD WESLEY FALVEY,58,has a brother john,mothers name was thelma,last known to be in california,owes over 25,000 in back child support.any info please send. THANKS

Seems like you've got everything under control ... although ‒ did you know? Harold enjoys the defunct musical band "INXS" and is pretty excited about that new fridge technology, the one with the loud noises inside that makes it cold instead of the freon or freon substitutes? Yeah.

Do you know why World Candies prints the weight of their packages as 8/16 oz.? That strikes me as weird, since 8/16 = 1/2. Perhaps the answer is Slovenia. Thanks.

1/2 also reduces to 0/1. In Slovenia.

Hi Mike The depth of your demented yet creative psyche cotinues to leave me speechless.....speechles I say.See you later. Glen

Right back at cha. Love, Mike.

i dont know why i am typing fingers are numb and i cant feel my's just to hard to get my foot up near the keyboard.i need to go to friends say i should go to hell.given the choice.....goodnight.

And thus.

I want to order some Black Black Gum by Lotte. its Japanese. could you help??

No. Yes. No again.

hello jon,

i was looking around cardhouse in order to locate your correspondence with the nigerian bank account scammers. please consider setting up a correspondence section in the archives because your exchanges with various misguided parties are a real treat to read. if it's on the site somewhere and i've missed it, please let me know.


I don't want them to find me. Actually, in reality, I find Cardhouse is much more fun when everything scrolls off the page and is gone forever. It creates a warm "immediacy" to the site. Do you feel the warm? Love, Jon.

You rhymes, while prodigious, are inherently flawed when compared to mine, as my rhymes have had congress with your moms.

But seriously.

I guess a lot of people went to see that Eminem movie. "I wonder how he'll rap his way out of this one?"

And finally, just where are the Fat Boys when we need them most?

This is one in which he raps and almost gets off the island. Also, from what I understand via their musical compositions, the Fat Boys are "back." Lastly I only have one mom. Oooh, burn.

do you sell yugioh cards here

Yes. Under the Lotte Black Black gum, just a little to the left of the Love Hearts.

Re: My Rhymes Are Quite Possibly The Best Ever

Have you heard "M.C. Escher" by Momus? I'd send it to you, but it's over 3Mb.


Under the Love Hearts, on the other side of the Yugioh cards.

In your web pages, you have a bowling game from "Marchon Family Games Power Alley Electronic Bowling™." It's priced at $99.99. Can you find a retailor for me so I can purchase it? There is no-one in the state of New Jersey that carry this game. I had one in the 80's.

Sam Pisano

It's ... [throwing up hands, running away]

2002dec04. Mail.

Dear sir, We are producer and exporter of fruits and especialy potato in iran.we want to send this commodities to importers in dubai by FCA.if you interest to buy it please send us your request to send you our best kind of potatos with (L.C).

especial thanks. masoud
azarnoosh Co.

Masoud! What am I looking for in an Iranian potato? I'll tell you what. I'm looking for the deffest, baddest Iranian potato you can offer me! We go by FCA, to the T to the A, if you know what I mean, and I sure don't! I'd have you send me a sample or two of your sweet, sweet non-sweet potatos, but right now Poindexter is breathing down my back, capisca? He'd be all over an Iranian potato dropping in my mailbox like some kind of felonialtastic lying son of a bitch placed at the helm of the new Big Brother & The Infinitely Detained Company would be over a Syrian yam. "IT IS POTATO! FROM IRAN!" he'd bellow, and ellipsis you fill in the rest. So thanks but no. Send postcard of potato instead! Cardhouse Produce [address]

2002dec10. "I call our product Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from one hundred percent recycled animals!" [Washington Post ‒ may require you to fill out a form telling them exactly who you are. A different you every time! How useful for their marketers]

2002dec13. The Practical Nomad on that endearing little AmEx Chinese baby adoption commercial. If you have even the slightest desire to do some international travel, pick up his book first, it's a swell pivot point.

2002dec14. I would like to give you a Space Pen free of charge.

2002dec14. I no longer would like to give you a Space Pen free of charge.

2002dec16. Mail.

To whom it may concern:

My name is Brenda [Lastname] and I purchased Popeye Cigarettes at a local Baxter's convenient store. UPC code is 067535302504 and the problem I have with this product that I never had before is that when I opened up the box of candy cigarettes there was a long black hair in the box. I was totally disgusted and I was hoping to be compensated in some way for this horrible ordeal.

Please and thank you,

Does it look like human hair? Dog hair? Rat hair? I'm going to need to know more about the hair.

To whom it may concern,

It was human hair. A long black human hair about 2 inches in length.

Yours truly,

Brenda [lastname]


I've thought about this for awhile, and I guess the only thing I can say is ... I'm sorry.

2002dec18. You get a tax refund. No, wait, you should be taxed more. Make up your mind, oh evil overlord, we're swerving all over the road. Love this quote:

In such an environment, the masses will always vote for politicians promising ever-more-generous social programs, knowing they will not have to pay for such programs.

Yep, that's been happening a lot lately. "Ever-more-generous social programs." So many, they're impossible to count. Just call it what it is: WAR TAX. Anyway, it's weird how the poor are paying less taxes and yet are still poor but the rich who are paying more taxes keep getting richer. But hey, maybe if the poor pay more taxes they'll get richer and the rich pay less taxes they'll get ... less rich. So who's going to start the US Economic Collapse Death Pool?

2002dec19. Sex money. Always a problem.

2002dec19. Jumping through fiery INS hoops.

2002dec23. Mail.

Do you know where I can purchase a Real Live Babe and friends toy?


No, I don't, especially with it being, what, two days before Christmas, Donner? But I can tell you where to get an Upside Down Lick or a 2 Girls Show pretty much any time day or night. Raunchy, cash-fueled sex: the gift that keeps on giving. Happy Holidays, everyone!

2002dec26. Interview: Chuck Palahniuk. [nov]