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Above: Burning Man; Geekboy loads the meatcannon during the "How Berkeley Can You Be?" festival (People Eatin' Them Animals v. The Veget-Aryans); Macros #6


February 1998.

1998feb01. Mail.

hey! what's with the ever-shifting titles of magazines? "x," "dryer," "cardhouse" ... obviously legal troubles ... or a scam.

i was a subscriber in the old days (i think one of my letters was printed in x9 or x10), but got lost in my personal shuffle and various ex-girlfriends absconded with my beloved x's and left me to wallow in humorlessness until this glorious evening when i found the lode of laughs thought long lost.

x (or whatever) is the best 'zine that ever is/was.

-- michael l.

ps: may be (re)opening a branch of the cacophony society here in new jersey.

For the record:

The switch from X Magazine to Dryer Systems occurred because everyone thought the "X" stood for porn or Generation X. No.

The switch from Dryer Systems to Cardhouse occurred because of several reasons. Just to name two, dryer.com was already taken and "dryersystems.com" seemed a bit wordy; also, the logo itself was taken straight from a dryer box and I didn't feel like dealing with the law should that ever come up (longshot at best, but hey).

The funny bit is that there is something called "Cardhouse" in the UK which sells porn decoder cards for satellite dish systems or such. Porn: Try To Escape It.

1998feb05. Mail.

nice photos. real cool ... the lost ones. are you sure that isn't Chris Farley? maybe he's the next Elvis. my moving truck was stolen and contained a box full of all my photos. one picture is like losing a hair, but all is like losing your entire skin.

gd2

1998feb06. X Magazine/Library Of Congress Rejection Letter.

No, really, the original letter said "Head." He is just The Head. And when the government says "your timely attention," you know they want to get rid of you.

1998feb22. Mail.

Hi. My name is Joanna, and I am part of the mornig show at WDST in Woodstock. Your magazine seems really insane and useful, and I'm interested in ordering a subscription. However, I need permission from my boss. If possible, I'd like to receive a complimentary issue. This way, we could review it together and decide if your publicatio suits our needs.

1) I do not send out complimentary issues.

2) Subscriptions are not available.

3) I am not sure how our magazine can possibly suit the needs of a morning radio show. Nevertheless, I will tell you that our next issue will not be available for some months. An announcement will be made on the web site when this happens. [special additional webnote here: If ANYONE is going to pay for a magazine, it's someone who's going to use it for their damn JOB]

1998feb25.

I found the article by Jack S. on Japanese Candy. I am looking for a wholesale distributor of this candy to sell in my gift store. Do you have any contacts? Please advise. Thank you.

I have no contacts. You could go to a Japanese grocery store and look for the little distributor labels they stick on the candy. Also, while we're on the subject, everyone should go on a FUN JAPANESE CHOCOLATE TOUR! HOORAY!!!!!


March 1998.

1998mar15. Mail.

Good Luck in your bid for the 2006 Olympic Games! I collect Olympic pins ‒ including bid pins ‒ are there any pins available and how can I get one?

Thank You, Mary Heck

There are no pins of "Sparky" available as of yet. I am not actually involved with the Olympic bid process in any manner. I created the character and sent a memo along to someone in Slovakia who is involved with the 2006 bid. I honestly doubt they will be interested in Sparky, but if Sparky 2006 becomes a reality, I'll get you a pin for free.

1998mar23. Mail.

good luck on getting the 2006 olympic winter games, you are getting support from the U.S.

bink79

USA! USA! USA!

Bink SEVENTY-NINE? That's a lotta binks.


April 1998.

1998apr01. Mail.

From: rbsmith

Fella, I love your site, but can't view it in it's entirety as the pages download at a truly glacial pace. It's like trying to suck Nell Carter through a crazy straw! I'm on a T1 here and this is way bad. Just thought you might like to know that even your hardcore fans may have to surf elsewhere.

You think YOU'VE got problems? Cardhouse is also glacial at my work (T1), so I can't do anything good there, and I've got 14.4 at home [webnote: just updated to 56k, but as it turns out, my ISP is the bottleneck, giving me unheard of speeds like 25 char/sec]! Jesus Christy! One of my friends lives only 30 min away and Cardhouse comes up instantly. We checked the work link out, it bounces all the way over to California and back, very nice. There's not much I can do unless you send me a traceroute ‒ Cardhouse is, quite literally, ONE COMPUTER away from THE MIT HUB. Isn't that ridiculous? I mean, at work, I can load Australian sites faster...

1998apr04. The current commercial campaign for Isuzu has a slogan, "Go Farther," which appears on the screen, rather quickly, one letter at a time. So if you're looking away from the screen and you glance at your set at a certain point, it reads:

ISUZU
Go Fart

1998apr04. My housemate recently bought some paper towels with a happy "Save the Planet" slogan printed on them. Speak for yourself, you lousy paper-towel bastards! We all used to use cloth towels before you showed up, and we damn well can go back anytime we want! Anytime now! Here we go ... we're going now ... see you in hell, paper-towel companies ...

And, in local news, Towne Club is back! Towne Club! Towne Club! They have a website that isn't even there (www.towneclub.com)! We bought a case, we did! Towne Club! If you're in the neighborhood, stop on by for a free(*) bottle of Towne Club! If you spill some, I'll wipe it up with my CLOTH TOWELS (right HERE, paper towels!).

* You will be charged.

1998apr10. I was asked by someone responsible for signage at a yearly desert festival called "Burning Man" to come up with some creative signs that would be posted about the playa. I don't think any of these were used. Dr. Cliff also set his mind to the task and his signs follow mine into oblivion.

Here is a nice sign for the Burning Man festival.

=========================================================
MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING: KNOW THE SIGNS

-- High entry fee

-- Rigid, secretive hierarchy

-- "life transformation" claims

-- once-a-year important meeting that you cannot miss

-- "tell your friends!"
=========================================================

here are some more signs.

WARNING: HIPPIES AHEAD

PLEASE HAVE MONEY READY

Y2K IS FOUR MONTHS AWAY AND YOU'RE NAKED IN THE DESERT. SMART.

SMASH THE PATRIARCHY

I LIKE BUNNIES

SIGN

IF GOD HAD WANTED US TO BE NAKED HE WOULDN'T HAVE LET US INVENT CLOTHES

STRIP STEAKS ONLY $5.99 AT THE NUGGET! LOOSEST SLOTS IN THE FUCKING KNOWN UNIVERSE!

MY MOM IS COOL

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE STOP SAYING "RADICAL SELF-EXPRESSION"

WEOOO THANK GOD YOU GOT THAT S.U.V., HUH? [place in completely flat stretch]

WHEN I HEAR THE WORDS "TEMPORARY AUTONOMOUS ZONE" I REACH FOR MY POCKETBOOK

FUCK IT, LET'S ALL JUST STORM RENO

DID YOU BRING ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE "OLD MEN FILMING NAKED SHOWER BABES" PASSES TODAY

I SHOULD HAVE WENT TO JAPAN INSTEAD

PANTS

EVERYONE ENJOYS LOOKING AT YOUR NAKED BODY. SERIOUSLY ... EVERYONE.

FUCK RENT

DO IT FOR AMERICA

THERE IS SEX TO BE HAD IN THE DESERT. CAUTION: SOME OF IT IS BAD SEX.

THIS SIGN IS ON DRUGS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PAINTED WEIRD, BUT THE SIGN PAINTER WAS ALSO ON DRUGS, SO THEY CANCELLED EACH OTHER OUT.

THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT

BURNING MAN WAS MUCH BETTER LAST YEAR

LOCK-DOWN 10PM SHARP

THIS IS THE APEX OF CAPITALISM. EAT IT UP.

DID YOU REMEMBER TO BRING: WATER?

PLEASE HAVE YOUR TICKET READY, OR MAYBE ONE OF OUR SPUNKY GREETERS CAN TRY TO FISH IT OUT OF YOUR PANTS

THE OFFICE CALLED, THEY SAID YOU'RE FIRED. I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.

BLACK ROCK SANITATION: "YEAH YEAH, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, WE'RE COMING"

===================================================

Dr. Cliff has submitted some signs.

---------------------------------------------------------

YOUR camp-site is 75mi SOUTH.

EXACT CHANGE ONLY

TIMOTHY LEARY IS GLAD HE'S DEAD thanks to your naked ass

NEVER MIND THE HIPPIES, BEWARE OF OWNER (cartoon of big gun)

CAUTION- MORE PIGS THAN LAST YEAR

STEAL A BIKE, WIN A PRIZE. (cartoon of big gun)

WELCOME TO BM99. YOU ARE HERE (cartoon of arrow pointing to dot in front of barrel of big gun)

I HEAR MANSON'S HERE AGAIN THIS YEAR.

AS SEEN ON TV

WELCOME TO BURNINGMAN99. NOW GO HOME.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS INSTALLED FOR YOUR PROTECTION

SEE ATTENDANT FOR RESTROOM TOKEN

1998apr14. Mail.

Hey about the Japanese candy review, choccy, gum, etc. ‒ that guy seemed to know quite a bit about it, or has a lot of cavities. I'm doing some research for my internship at an ad agency, something involving a candy product and pre-teen to teenaged girls in Japan. Somehow the girls got the idea of giving the candy to boys they liked and the trend really took off, promoting the candy with no traditional advertising whatsoever. Can you name this product and the company that manufactures it? This had to have started before or during 1994, it was mentioned in an anecdote that year.

Thanks. Gotta love that Japanese junkfood.

- Carol -

I cannot NAME THAT CANDY! Perhaps ONE OF OUR LOVELY READERS CAN! Why AM I SHOUTING!?!? [Later, according to Jack, the author of the piece, the holiday that Carol was thinking of was an obscure American holiday called "Valentine's Day." Maybe I have that wrong.]

1998apr24. Winston television ad featuring The Flintstones. For the entire commercial and commentary, I could do no better than to direct you to Modern TV.


May 1998.

1998may05. I went with a friend to his bank today and instead of teller windows they had TV screens and those vacuum tubes. He said now sometimes the teller will appear on your screen, then your neighbor's screen. See, now through the magic of technology, one teller can wait on two or more customers. He said it's now about ten times as slow. The bank had to install an ATM machine inside for all the disgruntled customers. I just burn all my money, cuts out the middleman.

1998may24. The Sony Playstation martial arts video game "Dead Or Alive" may appear to be little different than the genre's vast landfill, but this game has an option menu that includes a check box for "BOUNCING BREASTS." And sure enough, if you click that box, the torsos of female fighters suddenly exhibit ridiculously-exaggerated swaying. Technology ... bringing you the sexism of tomorrow ... TODAY!


June 1998.

1998jun06. For the last few weeks, I've been getting a lot of credit-card application junk mail. I think I know where all of this stuff is coming from, because one of the applications was addressed to someone who's never used my p.o. box. I think there are RO-BOTS trawling the net, grabbing "whois" address information, and then putting this into a database. And for some reason, this is a big deal to credit card companies. And this gives me a warm feeling, because between the daily mail flow, and all the calls from the long-distance companies, it makes me feel like I'm someone important. If you are a sales representative for any type of product whatsoever, call me. Let's talk. I love you.

1998jun17. The Detroit Red Wings just won their second Stanley Cup, so everyone is outside tooting their horns and yelling and going "whoop! whoop!" A lot of these jubilant fans are carrying large brooms, used to indicate a "sweep." Other people wrapped large garbage cans in aluminum foil to represent the actual Stanley Cup in question. So as I was driving through crowds of people yelling and whooping and hoisting their brooms and cans aloft, I pretended I was just crowned "Janitor of the Year."

1998jun29. I went to the hair cuttery yesterday. This is a full-service salon, so they have a little nook where someone washes your hair. Big turnaround in that department. I sat down, and this woman gives me what was unquestionably the most erotic hair-washing in my life. It couldn't have been any more sensuous without adding a dollop of groping, fondling, or undressing. Of course, since I had my glasses off the whole time, I never really made eye contact with the hair-washer. Then, after she was finished, I noticed the brand-new tip jar.

I wobbled over to my hairdresser and got my standard cut. Afterward, she showed me the front page of the local newspaper, which featured a red bridal dress with a HUGE Red Wings logo on it.

"I wish you hadn't shown me that ... now I'm going to be nauseated the rest of the day."


July 1998.

1998jul04. I've been getting way too many credit card applications. It started with the gold card applications. Then the platinum cards. Now I've gotten two or three for different titantium cards. So I'm getting pretty anxious to get some uranium credit card applications. Then I'll look up plans to make a nuclear bomb on the internet and drop a few on these stupid-ass credit card companies.

That wasn't funny AT ALL. I'll "punch it up" tomorrow.


August 1998.

1998aug19. Oh SHIT! Robot got into the hooch and now he's WAY GONE! He'll be back after Burning Man, like we're thinking September 10th or so. Don't forget to look for the Cardhouse mailbox in the Neighbarhood, which is right next to the Blue Light District.

After Burning Man, Robot will reside in sunny San Francisco, California, without sunglasses. Stop on by.

2017 note: What follows is a screenshot of what the home page looked like on that day. I don't have many of these from back then. The large green/yellow link icons were from Playstation videogame "Wipeout 2097" and pointed to Chank, Rotodesign, Superbad , and Fray. See the history page for more.

1998aug31. Reno.

Casino win/loss: $-1.00.
Total win/loss: $-23.00.

You can bring all of your spare change into a casino and "cash out" for bills and it doesn't cost you a dime. In Michigan, they have machines that charge you 8.5% for the same service. I laundered over $175 in change! For nothing! I "tipped" the casino a dollar by playing a slot machine for 20 seconds.


September 1998.

1998sep10. Reno.

Casino win/loss: $-20.00.
Total win/loss: $-64.10.

I still do not like the circus. Why this fascination with Circus Circus, then? I cannot answer that question.

1998sep30. Links to places I've gone, because I know YOU CARE:

PEOPLE EAT'N THEM ANIMALS
ART KAR WESTFEST
BURNING MAN

I haven't updated this site in QUITE SOME TIME because I'm TOO BUSY WATCHING MATLOCK RERUNS. I LOVE YOU. Someone had to tell you. I'm just sorry it had to be me.


October 1998.

1998oct05. You can set up the ICQ chat program so you accept messages from any random person. Most of the time (since I've set it for "male") I get smut miners looking for The New Flesh, but sometimes leaving the channel open is worth it.

hey mark ... what's card house?
See for yourself! ...
can i win money?????
CASH MONEY! YES!
i'm looking at it and all i see is a msg about a car getting broke into ... where do i go from there
LOOK FOR THE SECRET HULLABALOO SCREEN! CASH PRIZES!
oh ... ok ... i'll let u know if i find it
GOOD LUCK, [icq number]!!!!
thanks

2017 update: No one found the secret hullabaloo screen. There actually was one, I put it in right after this conversation. It was between two photos somewhere. Oh well. The offer is now null and void.

1998oct05. Found photo.

(contributed by Bigrig)

So Brody finds this photo on the ground and says it must be a found photo because ... he found it. I would agree with him. We may never know the story behind this one. Who is this "mystery girl"? Why was her photo discarded? I am tortured by the fates.

1998oct10. Two years ago, Doc found a usenet discussion about a "Shake N Bake" sample from a TV ad. Someone posted a WAV file, with a text message that said "Some of my friends told me I sounded like her, so this is me doing the line."

Just today, Doc was looking for information about Ruddy Rodriguez, and he found a post somewhere that said "my friends told me I looked like her, but I don't have a camera."

There's got to be a name for this affliction, I mean, other than general stupidity.

1998oct14. Mail.

an apple every three hours will keep three doctors away.
- drdog

Whatever you say, Dr. Dog. Is one of them YOU?

1998oct15. An unexpected phone call!

"Hello, I'm calling for the [city1] police department, they will be in a charity football game against [city2]'s police department. There will be professional football players participating on each team, [... five minutes later ...] was wondering if we could count on you to attend..."
"Will they be using guns?"
"Excuse me?"
"Guns. Will they be using guns?"
"This is a football game..."
"Yes. But will the police be using their guns during the game?"
"They, they ... no!"
"Sorry, not interested." [click]

Cardhouse: Skewing telemarketer's world views since 1987.

1998oct20. Cardhouse and Y2k.

We here at the Cardhouse Interdiction Agency have been getting a lot of mail concerned about the Year 2000 problem. Like you, we take Year 2000 related issues very seriously and we are well into the process of addressing the challenges to ensure that we are ready for the new century.

Cardhouse began an aggressive Year 2000 Hostile program in early 1989. Realizing that the end of the century was only eleven years away at the time, our crack programmers began adding flawed, extraneous 2-digit date codes to existing real-time systems deep within the bowels of the airline, athletic, and television industries.

January 1st, 2000. No planes. No sports. No TV.

1998oct28. You're Not Helping.

I'm really EXCITED about all of this photo-CD technology. I don't like scanning pictures (truthfully, I don't like spending any time doing any web-thing), so hey, pay some slob in a lab to do it. Premium prices? Great. So I called around. "Around" means calling the photo departments of supermarkets and drug stores, so you KNOW they're really up on this shit.

SUPERMARKET

"I was wondering how much it costs to put pictures on a CDROM?"
"You mean a photo disk?"
"No, I know about that option. I mean a photo-CD."
"The only thing this list says is photo disk, and that costs $4.99 extra..."
"That's not it, I've gotten that before. I know that you do photo-CD processing."
"Yes, a man came in earlier, and it was really expensive, like fifty dollars!"
"Do you know how many photos were put on the disc?"
"No..."

DRUG STORE

"Yes, I called earlier, and asked for information about the cost and resolution of photo-CD processing?"
"Yes, it costs $4.29 for the disc and $1.29 for each photo placed on the disc ..."
"And the resolution?"
Five ..."
"The resolution ..."
" ... is five, yes ..."
"FIVE."
"Yes, five ..."
"Thanks."

1998oct29. As I've just relocated to California, I've been dancing through the insurance hedge mazes again, getting nasty cuts and scrapes. Of course the agent just sent off a letter asking me if I wanted earthquake protection, and a good 70% of the policy covers "limited building code upgrade" ‒ as a RENTER, that's really important to me, just in case it turns out the earthquake was MY fault (get it? FAULT?).

I've studied the maps. My insurance agent is sitting right on a fault.

God, you know, now I'm going to get mail from insurance agents telling me exactly how "limited building code upgrade" is going to save my smart ass come the next big one.

There aren't enough faults to go around.

1998oct30. YOUR POLICY DOES NOT PROVIDE COVERAGE AGAINST THE PERIL OF EARTHQUAKE.

"So my renter's policy doesn't cover earthquakes."
"That's correct ..."
"So what exactly does it cover? Theft?"
"Theft, and fire ..."
"So what happens if the earthquake causes a fire?"
"That's actually covered...if the house goes down in flames, you're covered ..."
"So, if a big hole opens up and swallows the whole thing while it's on fire, I better have a video camera handy before it disappears."
"As long as it goes down in flames ..."

(2006: No more stuff = no more renter's policy! See ya, vampires!)


November 1998.

1998nov06. Before I moved to California, a lot of people told me that earthquakes happen "all the time" here. And I checked a chart and sure enough, little dots all over the place. The other day my housemate asked me "how was it?" "How was what?" I countered. Turns out there was a minor one sometime late at night.

"I SLEPT THROUGH MY FIRST EARTHQUAKE?!??"

Should have set the alarm or something.

1998nov08. When I find a web site that interests me, I usually drop a little note in the mail to the creator. Here's one I wrote today to Andrew at Be Nice To Bears.

Hey there. This is Mark Simple from Cardhouse.com wishing you a happy Labor Day. I thought I'd drop you a note because it seems like your site ROCKS. I haven't been through all of it yet, but that's the general impression I'm getting here. I'm also receiving a psychic message, a paranormal image of BEETS. Do BEETS mean anything to you, Andrew? Do you have a relative who likes, or perhaps is named BEETS? Now I'm getting the number -17. Is your license plate number NEGATIVE SEVENTEEN? Perhaps you have a friend, or a co-worker, or a co-worker's supervisor who can attach meaning to the number NEGATIVE SEVENTEEN?

You think about that. Perhaps you can talk with your friends and later you will discover a special meaning. How about WOOD PANELLING? Anything about WOOD PANELLING? OXYGEN. Do you know anyone who breathes the chemical element OXYGEN? These are just images I'm receiving now, Andrew. You talk to your friends about the images I have received. TARTAR-CONTROL CREST. Okay, that's all. The images are fading now and THE MOVIE "SO FINE" STARRING RYAN O'NEAL, A LIGHTHEARTED COMEDY IN WHICH A SHY PROFESSOR (O'NEAL) ACCIDENTALLY STARTS A FASHION CRAZE BY INVENTING SEE-THROUGH- BOTTOMED PANTS FOR HIS CLOTHING-MANUFACTURER FATHER (JACK WARDEN). That's all we have time for today.

Sometimes I don't hear back from them.

1998nov10.

I would like to send Cardhouse a book about dating women for a possible review. Could you e-mail me the editor's name I should direct it to along with the address?

Thank you.

Stefan Prelog

Send the women. I have enough books already. In other news, Andrew (see next entry) actually does have a special meaning attached to BEETS. So if you need a psychic profile, please send a general description of your life and the contents of your car to me.

1998nov11. Mail.

I want rant a room in England
with family room

I tried to string this guy along, asking him if he wanted something near the M25, smoking non-smoking, etc, but he never wrote back.

1998nov11. Yesterday the heat shield to my car's catalytic converter sort of half-fell off after excessive San Francisco psycho street wear. "No problem, twenty minute fix," I lied to myself. I spent forty-five minutes under the car in the Pep Boys parking lot (they wouldn't let me use their lift ‒ liability and all) in the rain, and then another hour and half in the garage undoing and redoing the whole mess. But it's fixed, my first successful auto repair job. Tonight I'm gonna rebuild the engine!

1998nov12. Mail.

Hey there Mr.Simple,
Just wanted you to know how many hours I have spent at work browsing around your site. My employer wouldn't be to happy to hear that but I think you have far and away the most entertaining site that I have come across in all my days. I also wanted to get a quick psychic read from you if you have the time.

My life: college student, law clerk, likes beer and girlies. My car contains : pens of various colors (working and not), 32 oz. cup from taco cabana, 4 empty packs of camel lights, Mc.donalds bag with partially eaten egg mc.muffin included, bag of frisbees, a pack of gum, a backpack full of school supplies.
Let me know if I am certifiable or not.
-Zack

Zack, I am glad you came to me first. I could sense this was going to happen. I see that your life is rushed, hurried. I see the life of a ... COLLEGE STUDENT? Is this correct? I am getting a vision of ... wait, it's cloudy ... it is SMOKE! Do you smoke, Zack? Do you "hang out" with the WRONG CROWD? I am also getting an image of RECREATION ... perhaps you play HACKY-SACK ... perhaps FRISBEE. It is not clear. But enough about you ... let's open the PSYCHIC DOORWAYS of YOUR FUTURE ... I see a career ... a career in LAW! Could this be a good career choice for you, Zack? I also see ... girlies ... DRUNK GIRLIES! This is probably another good omen. I also see FREE REFILLS AT TACO CABANA FOR A LIMITED TIME W/PURCHASE OF 32OZ OF YOUR FAVORITE SOFT DRINK! Hurry, Zack, HURRY!

1998nov13. BRIEF RECORD REVIEW

Cardigan's "Gran Tourismo" - Extremely crappy. (however, the enclosed booklet does have nice, extra-glossy paper.)
-- Colin MacInnes

1998nov14. I was sitting in a San Francisco brewery with members of Bigrig Industries the other day waiting for webzine98 to open up and we just started scrawling all over the ad postcards. There are thousands of these things in major cities all over America ‒ postcards with an ad on the front. Does anyone ever send these out? "Mom and Dad, visiting S.F., wish you were here, drink Coke" ??? Is advertising everywhere now?

So when we were done detourning about 25 of these postcards, we put them back in the racks.

The ones you see here are clever simulations.

After we left webzine98, we came across a large poster of the first ad and duplicated our additions via Sharpie marker.

1998nov18. I went to Karaoke Night at a local bar yesterday. After a particularly annoying drunk woman decided to sing some repellent pop song replete with soul-shattering high notes, I came up with a more humane method of song-styling.

RULE 1: 2/3rds of the lyrics must be EXCISED.
RULE 2: All songs must be sung at 3x SPEED.
RULE 3: The above rules do not need to be applied if it is a punk song (this does not include "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones).
RULE 4: No regulars.


December 1998.

1998dec04. Slept through another quake, this one 4.1 on the Poto-Cabenga scale. In anticipation of future quakes, I've cleared out a small space under my desk at work. I dive in unexpectedly at random moments, staying safely underneath for a good 30-45 minutes at a time, surviving solely on my "quakekit" of Pop Tarts and key lime pie.

1998dec21. Donut Domain Survey (part 1).

I am shopping for another domain name for a fun little secret project that will probably never get off the ground because I'm an incompletist bastard. I was hoping to get donut.com, which really has nothing to do with the project but everyone likes donuts and donuts are easy to remember. Donuts! But of course some naming agency snapped that name up THE JERKOFFS. Now I am looking at alternatives like DONUTSINYOURFACE.COM or whatever. So here is a quick rundown of interesting donut-type domains that have nothing to do with your major donut vendors.

donutgirl.com - strange, but in a good way. Some photos, and then "products" (including scary '70s PHOTO CUBE) that feature the photos, but no way to purchase said products.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donuts-inn.com ‒ some donut place in some foreign land (Turkey?). But it has a nice picture of many donuts.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutboy ‒ some kind of game that requires shockwave and is moving to shockrave.com and I don't care.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutsonarope.com ‒ doesn't seem to work but it looks like it's another pre-emptive strike by a marketing research firm. "Gentlemen...I believe donuts-on-a-rope.com will be in big demand in the coming year." These guys also bought thisisajewishhouse.com and dazzlingradiance.com. Keep those fingers crossed, fellers!

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutworld.com ‒ a producer for Nippon Television Broadcast Network includes a few interviews with Hollywood people, a few projects, and looks through a donut hole on the main page.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: Y
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: Y
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutsystems.com ‒ donut SYSTEMS? Another amazing marketing guess. There are just too many of these stupid donut-domain guesses so I'm not going to list any more in this important forum no matter how stupid they are.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donuts.net ‒ this seems to be just links to donut-related items and recipes, which is not bad, but, really, put a stick about and let's see some original donut content at this domain!

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: Y
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutbox.com -- owned by Calling Cartons®, a donut-box manufacturing company. you could print up 500 donut boxes with a picture of something really stupid!

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutdisaster.com ‒ this takes you straight to the Hasbro homepage, like a lot of other domain names. Like for example, candyland.com, which used to be owned by a porn shop, and there was this big ole' lawsuit and i forgot what happened, but it looks like JUSTICE WAS SERVED because we all know that Candyland means THE CUTE LITTLE BOARD GAME and not NAKED PEOPLE RUBBING AGAINST EACH OTHER. Anyway, Hasbro has done a bang-up job of not helping out the casual web-surfing consumer who ends up here via candyland.com or donutdisaster.com because there's nothing on the home page about 'em. GO HASBRO!

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutz.com ‒ this is a SPECIAL WEBSITE that is intended ONLY for the employees of Tim Horton's store #1516 so don't try to crack the password and read all the TOP-SECRET DONUT ARTICLES!

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutman.com ‒ this site is dedicated to the teachings of Rob Evans, the "Donut Man." Rob wants all the children of the world to know that life without Jesus is like a donut because there's a hole in the middle of your heart. Rob operates the "donut repair shop", fixing real donuts with a "round pastry donut hole," if you can follow the real-world analogy in motion here. Perhaps you'd like to buy a videotape or ten, or maybe the audio tapes, or the song books, or a t-shirt! Praise donuts...praise Jesus...praise Commerce.

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: Y
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: Y

donutdog.com ‒ by all appearances, this is a site whose mascot is a dog that swallowed a large donut. Or rather, is a dog in the shape of a donut, along with a hole. I know of no such creature. I do know about cows that have plastic panels installed in them at state fairs so kids can see the internal pistons and such. This should not be confused with the "butter cows" of state fairs, that is, cows created entirely out of butter. These would have no plastic panels, because all you would see behind the panel is more butter. Anyway, this site has way too much in the way of navigational tools considering the amount of content offered (none).

USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

1998dec22. ICQ conversation.

The_Lorax: I just heard on the radio that there will be some kind of Anthrax Biological attack, perpetrated sometime in July next year, in New York City at Shea stadium.

Mark: is it sold out yet?

1998dec22.

ele é gratuito! use mr. nomono hoje mesmo como camiseta; tatuagem; logotipo do seu açougue, asilo de veulinhos, fbrica de gelo ou organização de extrema direita!

1998dec24. Acses is an incredibly smooth online bookstore price comparison website with a stupid name! I found out about via Robot Wisdom Netlog which you should be reading every day or else santa will leave a lump of radioactive rock in your sock this year.

1998dec28. Read all of the Mercedes-Benz Fantasy Drive Essay Contest winning essays! God, I think I'm actually going to puke!

1998dec30. I have become a big fan of TUNA FISH SANDWICHES. When I was younger, back in the day, mom served up a stack of tunawiches, oh, I don't know, three, four times a week. Hey, don't get me wrong here, they were good, but after awhile, like anything, you kind of burn out on tuna fish sandwiches, and you don't eat anything even remotely tuna-like save tuna sushi, which is sort of like a micro tuna-fish sandwich, for another two decades. I mean, I don't. Not even most of the major components of a tuna fish sandwich - relish? Sure, maybe once every three years. Mayo ‒ not on your life. Perhaps once in a Pennsylvania Subway when I was suffering from roadtrip lethargy. So one day, I was kicking myself trying to come up with a delightful lunchtime mealplan that somehow didn't involve various quarts of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and out of like NOWHERE I had this sudden craving for ... that's right ... tuna fish sandwiches. And those darling little cans! How can resist? So here's my secret tuna fish sandwich recipe.

TUNA FISH SANDWICHES

Ingredients: bread, two cans of tuna fish, mayonnaise, relish.

Directions: throw some bread in a toaster. mix up tuna fish, mayonnaise, and relish in a tupperware bowl to taste. throw it on the toast. makes four rockin' tuna fish sandwiches.

Tunafish YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

1998dec31. Blow me, 1998, you suck-ass [getting a good shoe on 1998, kicking it into the trash]. God I need a drink. Yoo hoo, Bigrig peoples! Who's yer favorite up-n-coming lushmeister? That's right. I am. Gimme drink. GIMME! Stupid YEAR!