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Above: Candy Cigarettes: current foreign brands

2001 items of note: Uncut playing card printer waste sheets / Old Vegas / Zombie Village / Toys vs. Services Mix-Up!

January 2001.

2001jan03. [Cardhouse] A pleasant update to the Children In Distress feature thanks to vigilant reader Tom B.

2001jan03. Firecracker pack collection (100+)

2001jan03. Interview with Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation.

2001jan03. Mail.

Hi there. Vaguely following the theme of "Chrante Deti" (sp?) I've got a rather cute picture of a stick figure child burning to death (he obviously didn't take care; though possibly he was set fire to as a warning to others ... who knows?) It's from a box of matches I bought in England (that being where I live), though they're made in the Czech Republic ("The Scissor Safety Match").

Cheers, Tom.








2001jan04. News: Man has bullet in head for 25 years. More importantly, the phrase "Daschund Oktoberfest" sure is primed for yuks-a-plenty; 30% of these yuks contain the word "Weiner."

Conceptually, what I am looking for here are jokes that tie together the duality of the daschund being a long, somewhat hot-dog-shaped animal along with the fact that the historical Munich "Oktoberfest" is a place where over 200,000 pork sausage pairs (which are very similar to hot dogs as well) are consumed each year the German festival is held.

I am wondering if perhaps it could be suggested that the reason the Daschund Oktoberfest is being held is to enable visitors to actually eat a daschund in place of the traditional pork sausage pair. This is, potentially, where a rich vein of gastronomic/"pets-as-food" japery lies.

Again, the "weiner" factor is mentioned.

2001jan05. Crass buys a house.

2001jan05. News: Nebraska ‒ land of intrigue.

2001jan08. My First Baby Organ. Priceless.

2001jan16. [Cardhouse] More Pixbarn "content" including Toppy Choco Nuts Instant Seasoning Paks as used in the regal Free Toast For Nader Vote Offer.

2001jan17. There's an icon-building service called "StorTroopers" with which you can create a happy little computerized version of yourself. This is mine. I was so busy accessorizing, I forgot to add the skin to the skeleton. Tip: you can't wear six pairs of pants if you have the dog or cat; grab'em last.

2001jan19. [Cardhouse] Craphound pages revamped -- ordering information restored, sample page from #6 added.

2001jan22. So I went to this overpriced chain Mexican restaurant the other day called "El Doritos" or something like that. I had the usual warm water experience - by that, I mean when I order a warm glass of water, the waitron unit looks at me like I'm from another planet. "You want ... what?" "Warm water. Room temperature. Tepid. No ice." It's actually better for your guts, turns out. It's news to the waitron units. 70% of the time they bring out a nice cold glass of water with ice, 20% of the time they indicate there is no way they can fufill such an outlandish request (don't believe me? try it). This time however, I got my warm water, but when it was brought over, the waitron unit was staring at it quizzically...

"I don't ... is it... supposed to do that? What is ... it's cloudy?"
"Those are air bubbles. It's okay. Thanks."

2001jan22. Neal Pollack on Bush Protest

2001jan22. Weooo, I hate that New York Times subscription thing. So do a lot of other people. They've registered simple username/password combos that maybe are intended for the good of the collective. Don't know. For example, username "*" and password "*."

2001jan22. Mail.

dear mr. *,

thank you for access to your new york times account. in return for your kind generosity, i offer you patent #6004596 image.


I am certainly not the first person to figure out the account bypass; I do recall someone mentioning it months ago. But earlier, aggravation just prompted me to enter "*/*." It didn't work, but "*/*" did. Good enough. I'm sure there are other ones ‒ maybe "hello/world," "dumb/dumber," "screw/you," "thenewyorktimes/canblowmeandanyoneelsewithinaradiusoftwomiles" etc. Try them all!

The patent is astounding. Earlier today I was telling someone that there is nothing new under the sun, that we are going through a "lull" period in technology, in the field of patentable inventions. I have been proven wrong once again.

2001jan22. [Cardhouse] The Found Photo Section is now frozen in time with ten photos, two you've never seen before. The rest of the collection (100+) has been shipped off to Royal Journal and is settling in there.

2001jan22. Lunchbots will kick your ass [via guy worthy]

2001jan25. Interview with an arsonist [via deuce]

2001jan25. Oh ... oh... must have ID dinnerware... [via jay]

2001jan26. I missed the Bonsai Kitten controversy. The sick, twisted bastards who created these kittens deserve at the very least three rounds of premium lager.

2001jan27. I am suspicious of wildly-leaning cereal boxes.

2001jan27. Ebay: Is that one'them fold-up trailers? Whooooeet. More bullets than the Bonnie & Clyde Death Car, that's for shore. [via molly]

2001jan28. The Internet Music Wantlists - a wonderful resource, strangely under-utilized.

2001jan29. Mail.

i would just like to say that accidentally going to is a whole lot less of a funny experience then going to

- j.c.

2001jan29. If you live in the "Bay Area" of California and would like to while away the day looking through a five-foot stack of 78 rpm records for sale, drop me a line. Tons of waltzes/classical/opera. Most Victor, chunk o' Columbia, a dash of Okeh/Vocalion and other labels. So very heavy.

2001jan31. I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after I die and civilization, ten thousand years from now, decides to reanimate someone who lived both in the 20th and 21st centuries and it just randomly turns out to be me. I suppose at that point a representative would speak:

"What can you tell us about the 20th and 21st centuries? What can you show us from that long-ago time?"

And I would grab his arm do one of those raspberries on it. Long, hard. Several breaths. "Sorry," I would say. "that's really all I can remember."

February 2001.

2001feb01. Someone needs to get off their ass and create a service that I like to call The Dump. You give them all the crap you want to sell on ebay, half, etc, and they'll try to get the best price for it in exchange for a, say, 10% cut of the action. PEOPLE WANT TO GET RID OF THEIR SHIT. Who's getting off their ass? This is gold, baby. The Dump.

2001feb01. Zo. I am in a boat that other people are in. The boat is this. I have a large number of new wave LPs and EPs (made with delicious vinyl) to sell. And of course, it would take forever on ebay. And of course, the shoppes, they give you very little coin. So what to do? You tell me.

2001feb02. Damn do I want a donut right now. Please send me a donut.

Cardhouse Donut Fufillment Request
Box Number
Current Address CA 90210


2001feb02. I recently made the administrative decision to leave my computer speakers on even if I'm not actively using them, because of California's continuing power crisis. However, this means that when I run into a website that uses background MIDI, the MIDI will suddenly blast away on my speakers, startling me. I already hate MIDI as much as one can hate a file format, I don't need any help. I have attempted to remove all of MIDI helpers my little asinine Netscape program has pointed to, but the MIDI continues. The worst part is trying to find a solution to this nightmare ‒ I end up on pages that have reams of information on how to play MIDI, but none on how to remove it. Of course each of these pages is overly-eager to demonstrate exactly how to embed MIDI into their pages. The web needs a new filter which I call "Reaching Through The Screen And Strangling The Person Responsible For Making You Listen To 'Lean On Me' In MIDI Format Format."

2001feb02. Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog sees shadow ‒ six more weeks of winter. Hello ... ass???

2001feb02. CONTROVERSY!!!11!1 Grudgematch 2001: Punxsutawney Phil vs. Wiarton Willie

2001feb03. I visit estate sales on occasion. Usually, once a year, I end up visiting A Total Wipeout.

1) An entire family buys the farm

2) The estate sales company, for some reason, decides to place only a few pricetags on the bigger pieces; the rest of the house is left in situ.

It is a strange surreal feeling, as if you're the ghost who has dropped in on someone else's life. The item that jumped out at me was a boy's sketchbook, filled with monsters.

2001feb03. A few nights ago I had a dream about a perfect piano. It would be squat, but with full-size keys. Like an upright piano with the top chopped off. Today I went to an estate sale, and there it was ‒ a Wurlitzer from the '50's or so. Already sold. A few other people in the room had the look of horror in their faces when one of the sellers announced that she had already sold the piano to someone else for one hundred dollars.

2001feb05. Mail.

hi, the link to the haw flakes page is not working. Could you let me know what haw is exactly. I love to eat the candy and what to know what it is i am eating. also i heard a rumor that the FDA has banned haw flakes, do you know anything about that?
thanks for your time,

Haw flakes are made from the Hawthorne fruit. I responded to the FDA concerns awhile ago in email to someone else. Here I reprint the mail exchange and append notes to it:

are you sure that the dye contained in haw flakes is the safe one? check out this page (link no longer works) on the FDA site which seems to indicate otherwise. ‒ andy

That page chronicles the US detention of haw flakes (and slices) from a company named "Zibo Minyue Food Co., Ltd." The two companies that I have purchased haw flakes from (and are discussed on other pages) are named "Shan Zha Bing," and "Sunflower." Now, perhaps Zibo Minyue owns or is somehow responsible for the product for each or both of these companies. I don't know. More contact and background information about Zibo Minyue is available at this page (which is no longer up, of course), which will cause anyone familiar with the Tufte school of visualization to twitch uncontrollably.

But considering the content of the page, as difficult as that is to do, it appears that Zibo Minyue is a new company, whereas the haw flakes from Shan Zha Bing and Sunflower certainly look, from the packaging alone (this is Sunflower; if I remember correctly, Shan Zha Bing looks mysteriously the same minus said flower on the top of the package) as if they've been around forever. And hey, the package lists only two ingredients: haw, and sugar. As I mentioned in the article, the color is completely unappetizing ‒ it looks like some new company figured on eliminating this roadblock to increased sales but their zeal has defeated them! DEFEATED THEM I TELL YOU!

It may be the case that the FDA has actually banned haw flakes "for good," but the Chinese grocery stores wouldn't sell them if that was true. The FDA has definitely detained haw flakes, from different manufacturers, for an "unsafe color" ‒ one instance is detailed above; I have seen two others. I have not seen the two most common haw flakes brands detained. I am also aware that MANY different products are detained by the FDA for various reasons (food-borne illness is really hot lately), it just seems that everyone is more aware of foreign products being detained. The Sunflower brand uses FD&C Red #40, which is legal (more info: here). There are various other people on the internet who are blindly passing along the FDA rumor. Personally, after reading about FD&C Red #40, I am no longer going to be eating haw flakes ‒ I have been attempting to eliminate synthetic flavorings from my meals, and propylene glycol doesn't sound too appetizing (again, this is a common food coloring in the US and is, in the government's view, "safe"; this is not the color people are speaking of when they mention that haw flakes are "banned" by the FDA). In the end, you will have to make your own decision regarding the consumption of haw flakes.

2001feb05. It is of course, Canadian month. It all comes together ‒ pranks, Canada, the bay area. I weep. [via metafilter]

2001feb06. I believe there is an additional integer somewhere between five and nine. It's not six, nor seven. eight? No. I'm working on it.

2001feb08. Window-shopping today at one of the remaining online retailers. This message popped up.

People who bought The Great Race Records Vol. 3 Okeh also bought:

Boston: Boston
Creedence Clearwater Revival: Chronicle: The 20 Greatest Hits
Dave Matthews Band: Crash
Macy Gray: On How Life Is
Kid Rock: The History of Rock

2001feb09. SF: LEISURETOWN NEWS ... Leisuretown's creator person will be at the A.P.E. Expo next weekend. Talking about Leisuretown. Just read it.

2001feb09. Arrrrr, mateys! Here be the treasure of OAK ISLAND!!! [WHOOSH!] No! There it is! [WHOOSH!] There it goes! [WHOOSH!] There! Well, that ain't it.

2001feb10. If you're like me, you're probably wondering what sort of power source the Amish use in their daily lives.

2001feb10. Always nice to see protecting weblogger's privacy.

2001feb10. The Antique Road Show is an antique appraisal program created by the BBC and later spun off into a second, American series. This is what I call The Antique Road Show Poem. By me.

Did you look at the bottom?
No. No. No no no.
Three thousand. Four thousand.
Perhaps the rain will improve my painting.
It's been in your family for nine thousand years?
I'm excited to see the striping, you don't see that much.
This is the most amazing piece we've ever seen. Today.
This hat was made out of an armadillo.
I love maps.
Do you have any idea of how much it's worth?
No. No. No sir, no.
Could you perhaps smear your greasy appraiser fingers across my parchment?
It's been in my family many, many years. How much is it worth?
These cigarette butts were smoked by General Lee.
Geddy Lee?
... yes.
If you were to give this clock a bath
perhaps you could be its "bath buddy"?
Just wonderful.
The poems that he wrote usually weren't credited, so to see this is a rare thing indeed. And that's good.

2001feb12. Gonna get me one of them hats.

2001feb12. WAV files of speech synthesis through the years.

2001feb13. Deuce of Clubs : A tombstone for the Mojave Phone Booth

2001feb14. The American Pie Council is dedicated to preserving America's love affair with pies. National Pie Day. A celebration of pies. WANT PIE

2001feb14. "Chip Buttie." Chip Buttie, one Pound ... Chip Buttie. The Chip Buttie is ridiculous. Chip Buttie & Chip Buttie Splash (also note Spam Fritter, Battered Mars Bar). Chip Butties ‒ What The Hell Is A Chip Buttie Already You Stupid Shit Website Administrator.

2001feb15. Pin-It-Yourself: Building a Customized Pinball Machine

2001feb16. I've eaten too many chip-type snacks and am now rather ill. Your cards and letters are appreciated during this troubling time. This has nothing to do with the earlier "chip buttie" entry. Chip Buttie.

2001feb21. News: SUVs are not big enough. We need to make them bigger. Here is a bigger SUV. I went on vacation this past weekend and of course there was the requisite SUV rollover and smashing into the telephone pole. It happens every time I go on vacation. Perhaps these larger SUVs will provide more comical rolling and crashing antics for America.

2001feb21. Inexplicable Object of the Week especially inexplicable today [via peacedividend]

2001feb21. A review of Martha Stewart Living.

2001feb21. Ebay. Special thanks to Lo for hurting my brain.



[dramatic pause]


That's the hot new catch phrase I've been telling you about. It's kicking that "ALL YOUR BASES ARE BACK BELONGS US NOW" thing all over the place.

2001feb21. I have created a wish list [dead link removed]. Hooray for me.

2001feb22. Lux Timer. Who writes the copy on this? "Great for hundreds of uses." What, so if I use it one thousand times it will crap out on me? Because you better not be telling me that "hundreds of uses" means I can time boiling eggs and drag-strip races and etc. Also, the copywriter left out the most important part: THE ROCKET. It's right there. It's the handle. See it? Sometimes I've got my head in the noose and I look down at the counter and I see that little rocket and I know everything's going to be all right.

2001feb22. So we're in L.A., right? And of course we go to the MJT, and the Bottle Village. We also went to a restaurant supply store, and bought a bunch of Chinese food containers for god knows what, trinket holders to send to friends. But they also had drinking cups with the Koca-Kola (in actuality a well-known brand of brown sugar water) logo on 'em. So what's the point? Nobody gets any money from Koke for this, they're just for sale. "Here, advertise for us. We'll give you ... zero dollars, how's that sound?"

2001feb22. PINEAPPLE POOH. INSECT POOH. PINE SNAKE POOH. DEVIL POOH. But why is one of the Poohs "POOH AS DOG" instead of ... oh. [going for second payoff] These all sound like martial-arts moves to me. BLINDING PINE SNAKE POOH JAB OF FURY. [via lo, pooh master]

2001feb23. When I was much younger, I lived on a farm for a short period of time. There were many farm animals that wandered about the property, but the one I liked the most was the chicken that had eyes that repeatedly bulged out revealing dollar signs. I miss that farm. (2006: I can't believe this ad is still there) (2017: finally gone now I am the only one who owns it BOO HAHAHAHA)

2001feb25. News: Singapore much cleaner than America. Come on America! We can do it! Singapore is now the country to beat! Oh. [via metafilter]

2001feb25. How Much Is Inside A Bag Of Globitos®?

2001feb25. Cockeyed / Ebay: CA capitol suicide truck condensed milk can

2001feb28. Ebay: cat punks and 666 cat punk

March 2001.

2001mar03. Interview with Junkyard Wars contestant.

2001mar03. Hey stupid kids! Pixbarn has been updated!

2001mar04. Ebay: 1929 Gilbert Zeppelin Erector Set

2001mar06. A wonderfully obsessive list of Pitch-And-Bat/Mechanical Animation machines from Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum. I am "calling out" to all of my Detroit posse. Yo. Yo.

2001mar06. Penny Arcade

2001mar08. Slave Labor slams for "Milk & Cheese" copyright violations [via fark]

2001mar09. Jesus Christ, it's just the freakin' gingerbread man, okay? I never want to see another gingerbread man ever. [aside: Cajun gingerbread man?]

2001mar09. Hello my friends. Hello. My name is Less Waters. I am the Running Toilet Person. Perhaps you have met my friend, the Savannah Sand Gnat.

FighhhhtinnggggGG for justice ...

Catch us on Fox's hilarious sitcom, "Toilet and Gnat, Unlikely/Pestilent Teenage Detectives," next Sunday at 8:30 Pacific time. It'll be a laugh riot.

Are we off? We're okay? Christ this thing is killing me. Get the HELL off me, Jim, your costume is shedding into my bowl.

2001mar10. Pinball LCD art.

2001mar10. Travelling with the carnival.

2001mar10. A dog that has selected a playing card.

2001mar11. Flensing.

2001mar13. Unst Bus Shelter [via Brandon]

2001mar13. What? "composing such hit surf-rock songs as "Pipeline" and "Wipeout" in the 1960s" ... Morton Downey Jr.? I will play the Toy Dolls version of "Wipeout" in solemn tribute to thee. And then "James Bond Lives Down Our Street" because I haven't heard that one in ten years as well.

2001mar13. Hello, Kitty! Kitty? Kitty... NO! BAD KITTY!

2001mar13. The Rolling Ball Web: An Online Compendium of Rolling Ball Sculptures, Clocks, Etc.

2001mar13. The Automata & Kinetic Work of Tom Wilkinson

2001mar13. What was that name again? I have forgotten.

2001mar13. Mail.

Hey Mr. House,

Downey composed neither of those.

Wipe Out was composed by Bob Berryhill of the Surfaris, released originally on Dot records.

Pipeline was composed by Bob Spickard and Brian Carman of the Chantays. It was released on Downey Records..owned by Downey, Sr. I think.

I think it is tragic, tragic they they've been robbed by a dead guy.

- kris

But the newspaper said it was so! That means it is true!

2001mar14. Transcendental Splendour.

2001mar16. Noted for the record.

2001mar16. Russian lemonade labels! RUSSIAN LEMONADE LABELS!

2001mar16. Prank: Cockeyed's fake printer samples (plus How Much Is Inside A Battery)

2001mar16. Ebay: Whimsical painting of monkey on phone

2001mar16. I'm driving home, and I see these two women talking. One of them is on her cell phone. She tosses back her head and laughs, maybe at something her friend said, maybe at something coming over the phone.

But they're not women. They're eleven years old, tops.

Me, I'm driving home from the toy store, where I just bought some play money, two diary locks, and a small wind-up microwave oven with a little chicken spinning inside it.

The microwave is really cool.

2001mar19. Got another one of those Pocket Calls the other day. You know what I'm talking about ‒ you pick up the phone, and all you hear is muffled ambiance. Someone's cell phone has called you from inside their pocket, and the call lasts forever because the person doesn't even know about it. Stupid pocket calls.

2001mar19. Not My Desk has the highest possible recommendation from us here at Cardhouse, which we call the Highest Possible Recommendation From Us Here At Cardhouse. Perhaps start with the essay list and make sure you read the review of the best-selling pamphlet Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way To Serve Your Corporate Masters Without Complaint. [via World New York]

2001mar20. Nevada State Gaming Control Board Excluded Person List

2001mar21. Mail.

I was just reading your competition for sodium content and found it edutaining. May I suggest a similar competition for cholesterol content. I think I have an ace in the hole...

I still have not awarded the prizes for the sodium contest. I simply can not, must not stage another event until the previous event is complete. I am discovering this fact a little late in life. Cholesterol ace in the hole... hrmmmm. Is this it?


okay, so you're a pretty good guesser...

2001mar22. [Cardhouse] When it rains, it rains a little bit more.

I am mean!
I am interviewable!

2001mar22. Ebay: John Lennon's skateboard. There is only one skateboard that was owned and ridden by John Lennon. This is that very skateboard.

2001mar22. I was trying to sleep last night and my right eye kept opening. Finally I had to jam my face into the pillow to keep it shut. Who designed this garbage?

2001mar23. SeatSale. An interactive display allowing you to register for one seat of a real seat. "You can help by keeping a watchful eye on our infrared security cameras to help us prevent theft of Seating Services ™, and to prevent the smuggling of contraband (pillows, boards, and other tools of license circumvention), into the museum space."

2001mar24. I have been having trouble remembering if I used "shampoo" (shampoo) while still in the shower, for the last twenty years. I have tried different memory tactics, like having one spot in the shower designated as "before the shampooing" and another as "after the shampooing" and then supposedly I could just look and see where I was in the shampoo program. This did not work. I have tried immediately shampooing my head when I first entered the shower. This also did not work. I have decided to sing a quick extemporaneous song to the shampoo while holding it (example: "oh shampoo, shampoo shampoo, you petrochemical goo"), in the hopes that later on, when I think back on my shower experience for that day before turning off the water, I can remember (fondly, perhaps) singing a heartfelt melody to my beloved scalp-cleansing agent. Actual song lyrics will be available for a quarter.

In a related note, I would pay dearly for a small safe-like object that I could load up with chips or candy and it would dispense a small predetermined amount of the stored product on a daily basis so I don't eat the whole damned thing in one sitting.

2001mar26. I am sick. The stereo is downstairs. One day I hope to be well enough to go down and play my new hula record. Not that I don't already have twenty Hawaiian albums already. It's just that this one is a pretty blue color. I will stare at it as it spins around and go into a little Hawaiian trance. That's all, really. I just thought I'd mention that. Since I'm up here, being sick and all. Carry on.

2001mar26. McSweeney's: The Gold Scam.

2001mar27. Mail.

Had a thought about your shampooing problem ‒ you could try shampooing just before you get out; then if you are in the shower, you haven't shampooed, if you aren't, you have. My only worry is that it sounds rather like the "as soon as you get in" technique; it might fail for the same reasons (whatever they are).

I should think the singing solution might work for a while, but eventually would wear off; I'd imagine the reason you can't remember if you've shampooed or not is that you've done it so many times, so can't distinguish the recent memory from older ones. Probably the same would happen with the song, eventually; I suppose you could make up a new song every so often.

You could wear a rubber band round your wrist when you've got in, and take it off after shampooing. Bit primitive, though.

Good luck, anyway.

2001mar28. New York Post article on the 24 Hour Plays.

2001mar28. This Saturday (March 31st 8:00pm) the 24 Hour Plays are going to be performed at the Ivar Theater, 1605 Ivar Ave (between Hollywood & Sunset), Hollywood, CA. Ticket info is available at or you can call (212) 206-1515.

2001mar29. Ebay: Want in-dash 45rpm record player. Want! Also: How The Highway Hi-Fi Was Invented.

2001mar30. You know how sometimes you call around to all of the tree trimmers trying to get someone to get your goddamn cat down from the tree, and to your eternal embarassment, TWO climbers show up at the same time? How do you decide? Go with the guy who isn't plastered.

2001mar30. More wisdom from "Repeated stabbing from leg spikes invite insect and fungus attack because they create openings through the protective skin of the bark layer. Think of what would happen if you were repeatedly stabbed." Here I am thinking of a large serving of delicious vanilla pudding, and fluffy-cloud blowjobs. Is this the correct mental image?

2001mar30. Money to burn.

2001mar30. [Cardhouse] I have decided to list the new Pixbarn entries here, on this regal "home" page, only. Then everyone who is just watching the Pixbarn page will probably not notice the new entries, and that will teach them. Because they are commies.

Parrot Luncheon Meat with bonus CONTEST
H3O Extreme Water Sport (usa)
The Electric "Ike" Golf Game (usa)
Bharityn 707 Car (india) [personal favorite]
Music for a Lovely Evening
Music to Trim Your Tree By
Music for Non-Thinkers
Music to Remember José Iturbi

2001mar31. [Cardhouse] Picture added to Bharatiya car.

April 2001.

2001apr02. BLF gives Bezos their two cents.

2001apr10. Stupid marble.

2001apr10. This jet going over the bridge thing is crazy.

2001apr11. SF: Laughing Squid presents Tentacle Session #21 with Mr. Stuart Mangrum.

2001apr13. Lyrics to Goldfinger. Shirley Bassey, 1964.

[trumpets: wah wah WAHHHHH!!!]
Gold.... FINGERRRR!!!
He's the man
The man with the finger made of gold...

He's got a finger

He's still got

[trumpets: WAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WAAAAAHHHH!!!! etc]

It's made of GOLD!!!
Only GOLD!!!
His finger is made of GOLD!!!
It's VERY COLD!!!!!!
[trumpets: WWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!]
[spoken] Yes, he was Goldfinger. A man with a finger made of gold. But in the end, he just wanted to be loved, exactly like everybody else in this madcap, rinky-dink world. Is that asking too much? Is it too much to ask to love a man with a finger made of gold? You ask yourself this question. [drums: BOOM boom.]

2001apr14. Dude ... totally radical website filled with awesome pen-and-paper games like "SCHEDULE D"!!!

2001apr15. Hawaiian rap. "Whatcha gonna do right now Polynesian's in the house." I am going to go to a Polynesian Party? Yes. That is what I will do.

2001apr17. Mints!

2001apr18. When there is great turmoil in my life, I will occasionally have dreams of large ships sinking or planes doing barrel rolls. Tonight it was a plane. But it was some sort of super experimental plane, being flown on a business-class run. The pilot hot-dogged it the whole time, over a hundred barrel rolls. Some people decided to buckle up after barrel roll #20. The distrubing part was that he dropped me off at my non-existent futuristic office suite. I mean, he pulled out of barrel roll #147, parked next to my office, and walked me to the front door.

"But I was going to Hawaii!"
"It's okay. You'll be okay."

Stupid pilot.

2001apr20. I was wondering, earlier today, what would happen if all the cops in America just vanished. "Nobody would miss 'em, really." But then I thought about it awhile and no, actually, parents would probably be pretty upset. Then I drew my little map.

I think maybe I should turn over a few more of the plain states over to the breeders, but this is just a rough outline right now.

2001apr22. Ebay: You know, really, it looks like a pair of mittens to me.

2001apr22. The Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo, a 3200-pound motorcycle. The two balancing wheels would lift up after cruising speed was attained. The pictures on the web don't really do justice to the stunning design. More information here, here , there, also under here, and way over there.

2001apr22. Road map collection. A collection of road maps.

2001apr23. Phrases That Make You Retch #17: Customer Delight. I'm not your "customer," and you will never, ever even get close to "delighting" me or any other human with an IQ over 40, so shut your damned pastry receptacle, take me off of hold, and fix my inane problem with your ugly, inept product and/or service.


2001apr23. Doggles make dogs look cooler than you. Except for Mookie.

2001apr23. Ebay: I have no earthly use for this, but I want it. I think that should be ebay's slogan.

2001apr24. Amendment IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

2001apr25. Don't know if you've been smacked in the face with this pop-up lately. Apparently it's fooling the entire world.....

Sure, pop-ups, we've seen 'em before. But this one, to a lot of people, probably looks like a real gosh-darn message from their very own pc, especially in this surreptitious format. Fine, I figured, just find out where it's coming from, and put the server in my ban list (explained below). Unfortunately it was on a site with five thousand different advertisements, so it took me awhile to pluck the bad boy from the bunch. It looks like this:

blah blah href='
com/flycast5.php3?aid=f1' target='_top' blah blah
blah src=''
border='0' height='60' width='468' blah blah
It kind of makes me dizzy. Akamai, Flycast, Colonize, all friendly friends. I haven't really been keeping up with all the mergers in the execrable online advertising world. Anyway, if you get snookered and click on that link, it throws you over to, where they've got an infinite amount of questions for you. It starts out with this nice little certificate:

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLAR SPREE?!??! NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY? Anyway, I punched their own email address into the email field and was whisked away to a telemarketer's wet dream. Pages upon pages of check boxes and radio ads ‒ do you want to consolidate your debts? How much did you make last year? How about a free Dr. Seuss rectal thermometer? Maxim magazine ‒ always a crowd pleaser. I couldn't keep up with all of the questions so I signed up for everything. claims they "deliver over 250 million opt-in emails every month!" Yep, that's right, every month the entire population of the United States wants more spam sent to them. I suppose if you try every trick in the book ("sign up a friend!"), you get big numbers.

Enough of this nonsense. For a large number of you, here is a quick-and-painless way to get rid of this asinine pop-up ad.

If you're on a PC, edit a file in your windows/desktop called "hosts." If there's already text there, add this line. If not, just go ahead and type it anyway.
(if this doesn't work try

save the file.

That's it. For more information, and for a list of more ad servers to ban, go here.

Oh, sometimes, instead of the "message waiting" pop-up, you get this pop-up:

"The service that prevents junk mail" ‒ just give us your email address and we'll send you tons of crap and enter you in a contest. Delightful.

2001apr26. It's not the camera. It's the $271 fine for running a red light here in sunny California. Watch for this exciting new technology in your own neighborhood!

2001apr26. Spam Luncheon Meat mobile. According to the schedule, today the Spammobile is at Fort Knox. You know, if I were the government, I'd shoot myself in the head. No! I mean, I'd keep an eye on that wiley Spammobile today.

2001apr27. The air near my bed smells like cake. Sure, at first, it's a nice thing, but after awhile, it's like living next-door to a candy factory ‒ you can smell it, but you can't have it. So your pleasant, happy cake thoughts ("ahhh, cake!") turn rancid. "Freaking cake air!" "If I smell one more *!&%# slice of cake, I'm going to knife someone in the shoulder!"


2001apr27. "Ding dong! Yoo hoo!"
"Oh, it's the Spammobile!"
"Hello, boys, would you care for some tasty, delicious Spam?"
"Thank you ma'am. That's mighty kind of you, but we're on guard duty."
"Oh, I think you'll want this slice of Spam ..."
[The Spammobile driver removes a mini-gun from inside the proffered can. There is a short and strange explosion of motion ‒ hands, feet, guns, small Spam keys, glistening pinkish meat. The guards are incapacitated]
"Okay, Johnnie, clear those cans out. Other Johnnie, you come with me, we're got a date with Fort Knox-type gold."

2001apr27. Fleecing Las Vegas (Esquire 1997). An examination of the "Hammer" system for Blackjack.

2001apr27. Hell, he got a better sentence than the one he would have scored in America. Way to beat the system, Mr. Tobin!

2001apr27. Voice control in automobiles.

2001apr28. The Difficulties of Being a Goof

May 2001.

2001may06. Rolling Ball Sculptures.

2001may10. Tucker repros. Only $150,000. Get them while they last. Pick me up one while you're at it.

2001may11. Interview with Tristan A. Farnon of [via peterme]

2001may12. Graffiti. Paris 1968. Everybody in the house, lemme hear you say HO!

2001may12. Article on talk show boot camps for (mostly) "wayward" teenage girls. Having a problem with your teen, America? Call in the military!

2001may13. The Truth About Vinnie.

2001may13. I hope you called up your mom and wished her a totally rockin' mother's day. I got the answering machine, but I added an improvised guitar solo and random beeps on the phone keypad. Luckily this did not activate the "control mode" of the answering machine. For those of you who are test-tube babies, you should call the Courtesy Care desk of the assisting hospital and wish them a happy hospital day. Also I am playing Isketch right now (username "Cardhouse"). Just whiling away my Sunday hours until feeding time again.

2001may13. Mail.

We bought a game pad that connects to the computer and you step/dance on it to play (specifically a game called Dance Dance Revolution). It is an Asian knock off of a real Asian product.

Hot Dance Instruction

Thanks for purchasing our product. This product is made for dancing and health-care. Please read this instruction carefully before using and please follow the steps properly and remember to take good care of this instruction.

... boring instructions skipped ...



Forbidden to use this product if your feet are seriously injured. Stop immediately if there is abnormal phenomenon in your foot, waist and back when using it.

Please take off your shoes when using this product, don't wear a smooth sock, do not stack up other things around you, keep far away from walls and windows, find somewhere roomy to play.

... and now the big payoff (please note, this is typed verbatim ‒ honest and I double checked for type-o's just to make sure):

There is maybe have some white powder on the surface of the product, please wipe off by a piece of soft, clean cloth.

Make sure to pave the cushion.

Don not put it near furniture and other odds and ends.

Young children must be guided to use it or need parents and teaches to accompany, in case to be tumbled by it.

High technology product, do not apart, separate or fix it anyway. Or the damage cannot be guaranteed.

Do not keep it in the quite high or low temperature environment, especially fare away from the fireplace.

If this product can't work well, please connect with your supplier directly.

This product is made for indoor games only. Do not use it outdoors or in other occasion.

Please shut off the power before removing this product.

Please put it on a flat floor, but not too smooth.

Do not wear sharp shoes when using it, that may cause damage to the product.

When using this product, pay attention to keep your feet safety.

Strong jump or shake may cause influence to the video and audio output.

Please do not jump strongly, that may bring troubles to the other person.

2001may30. This has got to be the funniest thing I've read all week. "Standard I.A. 2. -Evaluate, take, and defend positions on why government is necessary and the purposes government should serve." Yes, this does just that.

2001may30. That Tastykake replica panel truck is sure one sweet ride. It sure is.

2001may30. Live large, my learned friend, via "The Collegiate," a delicious medly of Tastykake confections including the famous Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets. What a wonderful way to cap off a feverish night of hard studying and other quasi-educational endeavours.

2001may30. [The Tastykake Trivia Page. Hours of entertainment. 1.1 million donuts manufactured each day. Amazing. 250,000 pies. Incredible. Cinnamon from Indonesia. Also amazing.

2001may30. I have received my IRS check. It is for the exact amount I reported stolen from me over the past year via the 1040ZBIJ form, but in addition to this I received "Notice 54," which indicates that I have been paid a "different" amount.

In no way is it surprising that the IRS thinks that two equal amounts are different.

2001may30. There's a great little project over at Lost and Found Sound involving pre-recorded repetitive public announcements ("The White Zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only") but unfortunately it's a pop-up linked off of this link, so if you've disabled pop-ups, you're going to have to disable the disablement to see the announcement for the project.

2001may30. Tastykake.

2001may30. Test. Testing. ROCK!!!!!! Is this thing on? Rock, please. Could we get some rock over here? I like the way they "rock out." I'd rather fight rock than switch rock. Share the wonders of NATIONAL ROCKOGRAPHIC with your friends! Rock? The subject continued to rock into the night.

2001may30. Tastykake. Did you know that the kickin' jamsters over at the Tasty Baking Company have a market share of SIXTY FIVE PERCENT for Mid-Atlantic states? Mother scratcher, make that SEVENTY percent for snack pies ... they're droppin' the sweet Tastykake revolution on 49 states, Puerto Rico, and Canada! Tastykake: A World Of Baking In Motion.

2001may30. That Tastykake replica panel truck is sure one sweet ride. It sure is.

2001may30. There's a great little project over at Lost and Found Sound involving pre-recorded repetitive public announcements ("The White Zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only") but unfortunately it's a pop-up linked off of this link, so if you've disabled pop-ups, you're going to have to disable the disablement to see the announcement for the project.

2001may31. The vacation was nice. Death Valley hit 115 degrees, which wasn't a record, but I think it's a personal best. One of the old codgers at the Saline Valley springs introduced himself by saying something like "hot enough for ya?" which I could have predicted had the heat not melted my brain thirty minutes prior. The springs are an oasis in the middle of a desert, just like the movies. Clothing optional, so I was very careful to hide my pee-pee in a bold series of toreador-like towel manuverings ("ole! opa! didi-7!"). One of the springs has a roster of names listed next to it, including a "thanks" to a certain "Charles" ("'65") who I was later told was the "Manson." I tried to avoid sitting in that pool, but at a certain point it was the only one left.

I soaked in the Manson Death Spring

2001may31. Then there was the visit to Manzanar. When I last drove by it, everything had been taken down ‒ the sign, the cards and letters from people, etc. But now, the sign is back, there are the guard posts, they're going to turn the auditorium into a visitor's center, etc, etc. But it's still called a "relocation center" instead of "one of several American Concentration Camps." In the very back is the graveyard; there were origami paper cranes everywhere. And how wonderful is this, to be able to find the perfect explanation in less than 10 seconds with google?

I'm guessing that the cranes will be hoovered up by the NPS in short order. They have a running history of removing any sort of third-party human element or interaction from "their" sites. Too dangerous, letting people have a voice. Might get too loud.

2001may31. Here is a better link for the The American Soundtrack project over at Lost and Found sound which was discovered by intrepid explorer Wally, who lost two fingers to frostbite during his three-day ordeal. We wish him well. Peace. Oh, sorry.

June 2001.

2001jun01. "I'm Rich" SpeedJobPass for foreigners

2001jun04. I'm desperate to take home one good thing about calling tire places all day and getting a massive tire-induced headache, and I think I've finally found it. It's "cool" to be able to cut to the chase with a tire representative. I know, it's not much. But to go from this: "Uhhhh, I'm looking for some tires???" to this: "Get me out the door with four Pirelli P400's P175 70 R13" is something, I guess. [screws up eyes] "Look I talk in tire code Der HAW!" God what a nightmare tire buying is. You start out thinking you're going to cross-check every possible factor, but by the end of the day, you'd just be happy if you could get the approximate number of tires your car currently needs (4). Wear'em down with options, that's the modern-day tire salesman's motto. It's like going to 31 Flavors. "Oh CHRIST, just give me the fucking fudge stripe radials already." Your favorite tire comedian is also appearing at the Witchita Kansas Holiday Inn June 8th. Advance tickets two dollars.

2001jun06. For about 30 glorious minutes I was able to use Ad Muncher, which is a very nice ad-removal program for your larger PC web browsers. It did a bang-up job save the annoying X10 pop-up (but they have a very extensive options menu that allows you add servers; in this case, you can add "" and "" to the proper box and you're golden). Ads ... eliminated! Ads ... munched! It's free! Of course you will pay the shareware fee in the near future. I know I will, if I can get it to work again ‒ it went away without saying goodbye for some reason.

2001jun06. Now that I've got Ad Muncher back up, I immediately went to the Boston Globe, reknowned around the world for their ad-laden online site, to test it. It's working! I also found an update on Tom Johnson, the "Underground Man."

2001jun06. Mail. I have received mail. Oh, the mail I receive!


Any guesses? Anyone?

2001jun06. The Return ... of Ringo!

2001jun07. Everyone's a winner at!

2001jun08. The first tax form.

2001jun09. Electronical coin-operated bowling alley game information. Normally I'd excitedly post this link and then return seven minutes later with three or more links to some of the fabulous images contained within this subsite (of, of course, Marvin's Mechanical Monster & Mangled Manatee Museum), but the ole' CTS is flaring its way up to my elbows today, so the show's off. DIY, spud.

2001jun10. Microsoft's new bloated Office XP features a little web dongle called Smart Tags ‒ if someone browsing your web site has "Smart" Tags enabled, certain words on your site will suddenly become clickable ‒ and of course, these new links route directly over to Microsoft-related products and services. And I used to think favicon.ico was bad. But wait! Microsoft is giving away (free of charge!) a small piece of code that will disable Smart Tags! All you have to do is put it on every damned page of your website! But this should actually be the other way around ‒ those who want Smart Tags on their site should have to put an enabling code in for Smart Tags. Yeah, I know they know. I've already deleted all Microsoft products from my computer years ago, so I guess I'll just bang my head into this bookcase here.

2001jun11. I am going on vacation, also the machine you are currently accessing is being moved to another location to better serve our seven wonderful readers.

2001jun18. Ebay: Piece of paper worth $2,900.

2001jun18. I made a couch fort and I protected myself from nuclear attack. The end.

2001jun19. Coca-Karma: The Very Secret Battle of Bob Kolody vs. Coca-Cola. It may look like a simple case of a corporation stealing the ideas of an independent ad contractor, but keep reading, my friend.

2001jun20. "Avoid transferring chain and sprocket grease on VTA vehicles and other passengers." -- Bike & Ride on VTA pamphlet.

July 2001.

2001jul03. Tom the Dancing Bug: Smart Meat.

2001jul03. Clown Code of Ethics. From "Clowns of America International Global Worldwide USA."

2001jul03. Sports Candles.

2001jul03. The history of the cannon, courtesy CANNON-MANIA DOT COM

2001jul03. An interview with Antonio Pineda. Noted mainly for the interesting Q-n-A format.

2001jul03. Tatsumi Orimoto as Breadman article Breadman and Art Mama photo Orimoto three-photo page Shift article, multiple Breadmans

2001jul03. High-speed photography. Do not forget to click on each photo for the description delivererd via annoying pop-up.

2001jul03. Songs of Couch and Consultation by Katie Lee, who just recently was able to reacquire one of the original albums. Now I have to finds me one of them hot little numbers...

2001jul03. Scouting Songs. Includes "National Embalming School" and "Billboards":

"Smoke Coca-Cola Cigarettes ‒ chew Wrigley's Spearmint beer --
Kennel Ration Dog Food keeps your wife's complexion clear;
Simonize your baby with a Hershey's candy bar --
And Texaco's the beauty cream that's used by all the stars!"

In addition to all of this mirth, you'll notice that the brave and trustworthy scouts are often singing songs to an older melody ‒ one that they're probably not familiar with. What a loo-loo.

2001jul03. The Senate Candy Desk.

2001jul03. Sports Candles.

2001jul03. The history of the cannon, courtesy CANNON-MANIA DOT COM

2001jul03. An interview with Antonio Pineda. Noted mainly for the interesting Q-n-A format.

2001jul03. Tatsumi Orimoto as Breadman article Breadman and Art Mama photo Orimoto three-photo page Shift article, multiple Breadmans

2001jul03. High-speed photography. Do not forget to click on each photo for the description delivererd via annoying pop-up.

2001jul03. Songs of Couch and Consultation by Katie Lee, who just recently was able to reacquire one of the original albums. Now I have to finds me one of them hot little numbers...

2001jul03. Scouting Songs. Includes "National Embalming School" and "Billboards":

"Smoke Coca-Cola Cigarettes ‒ chew Wrigley's Spearmint beer --
Kennel Ration Dog Food keeps your wife's complexion clear;
Simonize your baby with a Hershey's candy bar --
And Texaco's the beauty cream that's used by all the stars!"

In addition to all of this mirth, you'll notice that the brave and trustworthy scouts are often singing songs to an older melody ‒ one that they're probably not familiar with. What a loo-loo.

2001jul05. Mail.

Hello, I am contacting you about trading links. I currently run Branson Shows, It is a site about the Branson Missouri area. What I would like to do is have you add a link to Branson Shows, and in turn I will add a text link to your site on every page on Branson Shows under the 'Our Friends' section. Please take a look and see if it would work for you, to add your link now simply click on 'add your link' link. I think it would be a great feature for my visitors to be able to visit your site, I think you have some very good content that they would enjoy. My site visitors are mainly the upper class and they love to travel, to just about anywhere. Please let me what you would like to do, Matt Cook Branson Shows

2001jul06. There has been a lot of "talk" lately about the resurgence of the pre-IPO-dot-com-slurry internet these days. I haven't seen much of it myself. Until today. This document is clearly one of the most important scientific investigations taking place right now. It is a rather long download, but I think you will be "pleasantly surprised" at how relevant this information is to you and your life. Lastly, I have been concerned about a subset of the standard "Cardhouse style" weblog entries that seems to ramble on quite a bit about the link in question yet deliver no useful information about said link. In a bold and decisive attempt to keep this from occuring in the link that is now being presented, I am adding a note to the end of it indicating that this document tells you how to build a Gas Giant Bong. [Note: This document instructs the reader as to how to construct a "Gas Giant Bong," that is to say, a bong created from a gas giant (like, say, Jupiter, a planet of the current "solar system" of which we (we of "Earth") are a part)].

2001jul06. It's The Great American Deck O' Junk! It's back!

2001jul08. [Cardhouse] Tragically I have learned that is Here is an article of mine which originally appeared there, entitled "Toys 'n' Services Mix Up." I hope you will enjoy it in a somber fashion befitting this grave situation.

2001jul10. Hooray, more "under the radar" advertising, this time by the Sci-Fi channel. We're not paying attention, no matter how much you thrash about.

2001jul10. [Cardhouse] While visiting Bigrig Industries, do not forget to stop by Zombie Village.

2001jul10. Cardhouse apparently draws upon colonialist and authoritarian models of "discovery," categorization, and exhibition to entertain Americans in a calculated attempt to control the strange and new. So does BoingBoing. I am sorry.

2001jul10. Plochman's mustard.

2001jul12. So Google's got this image search thing going on, so I figured I would use it for what logically comes to mind when one thinks of image searching. Um.

2001jul12. Mail. Translation by Botany 500.

Sehr geehrte Damen und Herren, Ihre zuckerfreien Ga Jol-Salzlakritzen sind die einzigen zuckerfreien Lakritzen, die auch wirklich gut schmecken und mir beim Abgewöhnen des Rauchens sehr geholfen haben. So an die 20 bis 30 Pakete pro Monat sind keine Seltenheit. Leider bekomme ich diese Lakritzen in Hamburg nur sehr schwer und in dem einzigen Geschäft, wo ich diese Lakritzen bis jetzt gekauft habe, werde diese nicht mehr bestellt

Ladies and Gentlemen, its sugar-free Ga Jol Salzlakritzen are the only sugar-free licorices, taste also really good and me with the Abgewöhnen smoking very much helped. Like that to the 20 to 30 packages per month is no rarity. Unfortunately I get these licorices in Hamburg only very heavily and in the only business where I bought these licorices up to now, one do not these no more order

2001jul13. Seanbaby. Fireworks.

2001jul13. I'm still trying to figure out why ad banners didn't work out. Maybe one day I'll get it.

2001jul13. Nick Yee's report on Everquest. Loaded with statistics, you'll have to dig for the gems. Of special interest is the gender-bending chapter and the virtual Skinner box chapter.

2001jul14. There is a new television commercial for a piss-green-colored caffeinated sugar water product. It wholly consists of elements, styles, costumes, movements, and themes from the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. It also includes on-screen captioning. At the end of the commercial, where the captions have been shown, the following disclaimer appears in even smaller type (sic): "THIS ORIGINAL PRODUCTION HAS NO RELATIONSHIP TO ANY MOTION PICTURE." Is this supposed to (A) be "ironic," and if so, why would anyone involved with Crouching... go for it or (B) cover poor-corporate-decision ass? I only bring up (B) because there have already been numerous cases (going back the last 100 years) of corporations performing outright theft of current "hot" culture in a brazen attempt to bolster consumption. Also I figure it's (B) because the whole "selling with a wink-and-a-nudge-to-Gen-X" thing is getting really old. So the question I'm asking here is are the people who created this commercial idiots, or are they idiots?

2001jul14. I told a friend about a wonderful library sale in which I missed purchasing a vastly-underpriced 12-volume OED set by mere minutes, the implication being that this sort of thing would never again happen. Literally minutes later, she espied a smallish pamphlet advertising a library book sale that featured an OED set. It was priced at $275; too rich for my blood. But I did purchase a great wad of books, including Paul Theroux's Fresh Air Fiend. One chapter deals with a luxury train ride across the US via Uncommon Journeys. An edited version of this chapter appears in their review pages.

2001jul18. Mail (letter).

Dear Cardhouse Robot,

Thank you for your entry in the [1st North American Name Of Product] Flugtag. We were overwhelmed by the response. Over 200 entries that ranged from crayon drawings to detailed CAD layouts. A group of 7 people wrangled over the entries for 10 hours to whittle it down to a precious 30.

Unfortunately, your entry was not included in that magic thirty. We are very sorry. But we'd still like you to come. And as an added perk, we're going to publicly behead the 7 judges who dinged your work. So again, we're sorry that you weren't allowed to play our reindeer game this year. We can only hope a public spectacle of vengeful justice will somehow appease you.

Flugtag Ground Control

Also, I am going to to a dot-com auction tomorrow. I would like to purchase a flat-panel LCD screen for seventeen dollars. Pray for me.

2001jul19. The Syd Mead Project

2001jul19. Lileks: The Gallery of Regrettable Food book news (release date September 11).

2001jul24. Interview with David Cross (formerly of Mr. Show).

2001jul24. Interview with David Cross & Bob Odenkirk on their new film Run, Ronnie, Run.

2001jul24. Mail.

my name is ali akber khoso post office murad abad talka dadu district dadu sindh pakistan i want to job in your company my date of birth is 1_12_1968 my qualification is Bsc and B.Ed

2001jul24. Velvety.

2001jul25. Recreating Tijuana in your own home.

First, you're going to need the essential building blocks of Tijuana. They are as follows:

One (1) pharmacy
Three (3) frat boys
One (1) stout guy jamming a hand filled with gold chains in your face
One (1) three-year-old pushing a cup into your leg
One (1) vendor's table
One (1) souvenir gift shop
One (1) sad photo-op zebra
One (1) churro cart with wicked racing steering wheel dough extruder

Now, you're going to need at least five hundred full-length mirrors.

Luckily we found a regular mini-mall crammed in the middle of the never-ending tourist section. The highlight of the trip was a simple metal corkscrew slide used to transport bread from the bakery (second floor) down to the first floor of the supermarket. If you're a bread, this is clearly the high point of your short bready life. Then, at lunch, the orchata came with hielo but it was made by a machine but where does the machine get the agua? So I passed but everything was fine.

2001jul25. Went to San Diego Comic Con. I saw a unicorn carrying an electric guitar. Seventeen people dressed as Star Wars characters. Lou Ferrigno who for some reason was sharing a booth with a guy selling uncut Wacky Pack sheets. The guys from American Movie. Matt Groening. The "Mr. Show" guys. Yep. I didn't get a chance to attend the "How Can We Improve the San Diego Comic Con" panel, but if I had, my list of grievances would go a little like this:

1) Less Gene Simmons.

2) The panels are not long enough (1 hour) ‒ it takes 15 minutes for everyone to settle in, too many people on panels, etc.

3) I could pay two dollars for eight hot-dog buns at the supermarket, or I could pay three dollars for a "pretzel" from the California Pretzel Company created from these same hot-dog buns at the San Diego Comic Con. It brings to mind the phenomenon known as "krab." This is the future of food in general. One hundred years from now, nobody will remember what food was supposed to look or taste like.

2001jul25. Design For Chunks. Check 'em all. Dude Studios: a personal favorite.

2001jul27. "We will fight the crazy ants on the beaches..."

2001jul27. The War On The War On Drugs: Photographs of people taking drugs for the first time.

2001jul27. More Vice: Get Pissed Destroy. One man's mission to take out the useless fire alarm boxes in the Manhattan/Brooklyn area.

2001jul29. Floating pen descriptions. I'm reading them as zen koans.

Ship floats past seal & iceberg
Santa & reindeer float past house
Flatbed truck hauls huge orange
Presidents's arm sticks out of window & waves to crowd
Gold & silver coins fall from roulette to slots
Player slides into homeplate; fans
Statue of peeing boy floats across plaza

Yes, master. [hits head with wooden plank]

2001jul30. [Cardhouse] Cardhouse 1999-style. I don't know why this is there.

2001jul30. Cockeyed: How Much Is In That Thar Magic Shell Bottle Thing

August 2001.

2001aug01. Oh boy! The dot-com revolution has returned! YOUR FIRST STEP: Thinking stock options can pay the rent!

2001aug02. Fark's photoshoppe follies with the venal X10 pop-under ad. Caution: Many pictures. Slow to load. Let it load in the background, just like the X10 ad! Hooray!

2001aug04. Two things I have recently wondered about have been explained succinctly at The Straight Dope. Lady marmalade. Jumping beans. It's all coming together.

2001aug04. Smoke ... and tell the world. Tell the world you're a Ramrod man.

2001aug04. Cigar label art.

2001aug06. Tomorrow's Bird by Ian Frazier. This one's been all over the magazine dial, and for good reason. [via Rain Barrel]

2001aug06. I was all set to put the Kazaa music-sharing software on my system when I found out about all the nasties (2) waiting for me... including something called "Toptext" which is just like Microsoft's "Smart Links" .... you might be seeing yellow links on your browser right now, put there by Toptext/Kazaa, if you've downloaded it. If you don't want this (or anyother spyware) on your computer, I'd advise you to use Ad-aware. It's free! Without any sneaky spyware attached to it!

2001aug07. [Cardhouse] Foreign Candy Cigarettes Initial Exploratory Mission Completed. An incomplete yet exhaustive look at candy cigarettes AROUND THE GLOBE. You know, I've been all around the world, searching high and low for candy cigarettes. But really, when I stop to think about it, I couldn't wait to get back in the states; back to the cutest girls in the world.

Also, if you have high bandwidth or nothing to do, there's the Big Candy Thumb - clickable thumbnails of almost all the candy cigarettes in the werld.

2001aug08. Mail.

"Mapleton" used to be a brand of pipe tobacco here in the U.S. It came in a yellow can with the maple leaf logo, etc. Like so many other things, it is now only available in Mexico ... as cigarettes? Sigh.

Ah! Thank you for this information. There is a lot I don't know about the world of candy cigarettes.

2001aug08. McSweeney's: Comedic Variations on Three Themes.

2001aug08. Top 100 Trainwrecks of the 20th Century.

2001aug10. Mail.

Rediscover and categorise this, you colonialist pigs! The Ironclad Turtle

It must have got pretty saucy in there during the heat of battle with all of those swarthy, sweaty hunks powering that thar turtleboat. Unless they had A/C back then.


2001aug10. [Cardhouse] I am selling a piece of Cardhouse's past. It fills me with a quiet shame.

2001aug13. I like pickles.

2001aug15. DONK

2001aug15. Candy reviews. At one time I use to eat dubbel-zout licorice. So ... ummm... big deal.


2001aug15. Every man wants this. Tell the world that you're a player. Whoa. Hot stuff. Coming through. Earn some extra cash on the side. Pick up a few bucks. Everyone wants them. Keep up with the Joneses. Fool your friends. What a wing-ding delight. There's never been anything more amazing. Imply dangerous past scenarios and derring-do through the use of low-cost water-soluable adhesives. You're probably wondering why I pulled you over. Well, I was just concerned. Concerned for your safety. Is everything okay. [via tecopa jane]

2001aug17. The National Dictionary Council just made an announcement today that "loose" would also be an accepted spelling for "lose." So ... go nuts, I guess.

2001aug17. I was under the impression that My Manifesto, a severely-annotated cataloging of Eggersmania!, had gone kaput. It is there. I was wrong.

2001aug18. Cockeyed: Chad's Evil Twin Takes America By Storm. I wrote one of the entries, channeling (per usual) my inner idiot.

2001aug18. Here's The Real Chad.

2001aug18. Tiki cupcakes.

2001aug20. Coca-Cola's asinine "H2NO" program for Olive Garden made it to the New York Times via the eagle eyes of The actual, physical eyeballs of the website.

2001aug20. America loves Smashin' Babies.

2001aug21. Mail.

the thing in the forground is a theater lighting instrument, circa 1975 or so. It's pointed at saturn.

Ooooh! Thank you! And lookit, there's the corresponding bright spot!

2001aug21. I was just poking around one of the urban legends sites and came across this July 1991 article about seven-year-old tunafish reclassified as cat food then being relabelled and sold as human-edible tunafish. I just thought I'd bring that up.

2001aug22. Amazon Shaving Tips. It's the year 2001 and our mail programs still have problems keeping long URLs together. Yep. So as far as Amazon URLs go, no matter where they're from, you can just shave off anything past the first chunk of gobbledegook. Zo zee massive

[2017: complete garbage url becomes mangled in transit thus obfuscating the lesson]

... becomes a svelte

And still works.

2001aug23. So I'm trying to avoid the TV commercials again today, and this ad comes on for Taco Bell's exciting NEW reconfiguration of the only seven ingredients they keep in stock ... and there's a lot of chef-like manuevers, knives cutting tomatoes, everything's fresh, cutting board, parsley flying around, etc ... and I'm watching all of this and wondering why you never see the sour cream caulking gun in the commercials. Don't they have a Bean+Emulsifier Caulking Gun as well? Anyway, that whole "truth in advertising" thing could really kick some ass here. "Mmmmm, the new delicious seventeen-layer Taco Bell El Rastadero ... individually hand-crafted by our master chefs ... [squirp sqlorp squirp]"

2001aug24. Wired: Information on Borderhack2.0, taking place in Tijuana this weekend.

2001aug26. Be on the lookout for an extra "photo" in your newly-developed roll of pictures brought to you by your roll's ... sponsor? (it's the totally redesigned 2002 Ford Explorer! collect them all!) ... advertisers are still on the prowl, looking for every unexploited nook-and-cranny. Memo to myself: throw 'em out right there in the store, let 'em deal with their own trash.

September 2001.

2001sep06. Leisuretown now has a donation page.

2001sep06. Cockeyed: An exploration of fire-making technology.

2001sep11. I would suggest you turn on the news right now if you don't know about the World Trade Center being destroyed by hijacked airlines in addition to the Pentagon attack.

2001sep11. Why a Swiss-style policy would deter attacks from terrorists [via deuce]

2001sep11. History: 1945 plane crash into Empire State Building

2001sep11. Ebay: WTC debris

2001sep11. Links, etc: World New York.

2001sep12. more links

2001sep13. Bush administration gave $43 million to Taliban in May. [report later determined to be incorrect; funds were given for humanitarian said, to be administered by the U.N. and NGOs]

2001sep13. Chomsky on bombings.

2001sep13. Counterpunch on bombings.

2001sep13. Excellent commentary over at Ethel The Blog

2001sep14. Divided We Stand interview with Eric Darton [via Cruel Site]

2001sep14. Response to Violence: Teach Peace, Not War [via metafilter]

2001sep14. The Unknown Enemy [via deuce]

2001sep14. Mir Tamim Ansary on Afghanistan. Essential reading. [via boingboing]

2001sep14. Mail.

Hi there.

It's good to see that some people are being sane about this thing; I've seen far too much of people saying it is worth giving up civil liberties just to let the government enact its "defense." This is from the point of view of a Brit, I should say, and I guess it's easy to have such opinions when its not my country that's been attacked. Even so, I must say your governemt does worry me rather.

Anyway, I found a good news link, that you might not have seen.

All the best,

2001sep16. Kindercore band I Am The World Trade Center shortens its name.

2001sep17. History: Operation Northwoods

2001sep17. Indymedia links

2001sep17. Running Against The Grain: A Survivor's Tale

2001sep17. Douglas Rushkoff on WTC political aftermath [via metafilter]

2001sep17. Mail from a friend in Hamtramck, Michigan.

Given the last week, I will probably never watch CNN again. As if the stock footage of the Palestinians were not bad enough, the one-sidedness is enough to make me sick. I followed the link for Indy news about all of the Peace vigils, and I myself attended a Peace vigil in Hamtramck yesterday. Knowing me as you do, I would not have attended a 'Prayer' vigil. Knowing Hamtramck as I do, I wanted to see what our reactions were especially because we have a large Muslim community, from Yemen, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Bosnia, et al. Hamtramck is really unlike any other city I have ever seen. Within the 2.2 square miles, 65 languages are spoken in our schools. As far as I am aware, there has been no violence, and no intimidation. The Muslim community has not been in hiding either. Life is carrying on as best as we can. The turnout for the vigil was fantastic, by all sectors of the community. The government officials gave brief speeches, but most of the time was given to leaders of the various ethnic groups, and prayers were offered by several Muslim and Christian clergy. To a man, no one spoke with Bush's bluster and sabre rattling, but everyone expressed a sincere sense of loss and compassion, and hope for real peace. Since we have a poor community, it was done on little budget and time, but was very well done. At the end, everyone wished his neighbor well, even though this may have been the first time that many of these people had directly engaged someone from another ethnic or religious group. Regardless of being inundated by calls for retaliation and prolonged war by the government and popular media, I can't help but assume that most Americans and people in other countries feel more as we do.


2001sep17. Rumor Control [via fark]

2001sep17. Observations by Red Cross worker Deborah Schulz [via peterme]

2001sep18. David Letterman's monologue [via metafilter]

2001sep18. Actor James Woods rides in terrorist "dress rehearsal plane" one week before attacks?

2001sep18. Jon Carroll [via molly]

2001sep18. An Eye For An Eye Leaves Us All Blind. Before firing off an email, though, consider that the volume of email received by representatives has devalued it. Perhaps a letter or telegram ($) would be more effective. Additional reading: Making Your Voice Heard: A guide to effective communication with your elected officials.

2001sep18. Ted Rall on WTC

2001sep20. Fighting insanity with insanity ‒ "lite" nukes

2001sep20. Run-down on US-sponsored terrorism [via robotwisdom]

2001sep20. Salon: The "enemy" we barely know.

2001sep20. Revolutionary Assocation of the Women of Afghanistan

2001sep20. Recent re-publishing of press release RE:UNOCAL's involvement with aborted Afghanistan pipeline project

2001sep21. Washington Post article: September 11th detainees released ... Statement from relative detailing rough treatment, subsequent decision by media not to air interview.

2001sep21. More on the Red Cross [via neal]

2001sep21. J Church newsletter (comments on WTC attack; seven parts) [via peacedividend]

2001sep22. I don't write them. I just point at them.

2001sep23. Snapshot of a Dog. James Thurber 1945.

2001sep24. Barbara Lee on her decision to oppose the resolution to authorize force

2001sep24. Barbara Ehrenreich: Those Who Don't Get By

2001sep25. Not My Desk returns.

2001sep25. Interview with Barbara Ehrenreich.

2001sep25. The trailer for John Cusack's new movie Serendipity had me thinking that I was going to spend, for the first time in months, full price for admission because it sounded like a "must see." The way the commercial was put together, I got the impression that two people randomly meet, then the woman decides to play a cat-and-mouse game with the guy, because he doesn't have any information about her ‒ her name, address, job title, interests, etc. But then I read the plot summary over at imdb (spoiler?) and it's something a bit different that makes the premise, if I'm understanding it correctly, a bit shakey. Adding note to To Do list: "rent Serendipidity when made available."

2001sep27. Mail.

To whom it may concern:

I am writing regarding a group tour for our home school group. I use to work at the Stark Candy company in Pewaukee and I loved it! I thought that we could take a tour if available. We have a group of home school kids starting at the age of 6 and up. The group consists of at least 15-35. Could you send me details asap. What the tour consists of, how much, what time frame, etc. I appreciate your time and I hope that I have received the correct e-mail address. I would like a tour in Pewaukee, WI.

Mrs. Herman

Dear Mrs. Herman:

As a pretend represenative of Stark Candy, I'd like to honor your request for a tour, but this service has been temporarily cancelled due to a "chain-reaction" of serious accidents that left a group of children in various states of distress. A little girl, for example, was full of greed and fell down a garbage chute. Another child was seriously fucking around with our experimental Starkovision transmission device and is now smaller than a Clark bar. In another amusing incident, a young boy with soul-sickening optimism secretly drank a levitating elixir with his grandfather ... they then bumped into the ceiling which had to be washed and sterilized, so he got nothing and was a big loser.

Thank you, goodday.

2001sep28. Cloaca. An art installation that, when "fed" food, creates "shit." Here's a nice big picture of the whole apparatus. Interview with Wim Delvoye.

October 2001.

2001oct01. Cockeyed: How Much Is Inside A Shipping Container?

2001oct02. US Rep. Ron Paul's speech in the House of Representatives, September 25th.

2001oct02. The first round of Dumbass Reader Poker has been completed. I put up my hand, which I received today from someone with an AOL account:

Hi, can you please tell me what the point of your website is? Thanks!

Doc of then flushed me out with this beauty, which he also received today:

I'm picking up on a vibe that you are a Bitter and Lonely Human. Have you been spurned? Oppressed? What is it that has made you so durn ... Whatever it is that you are?

Man, I should have held onto that letter from Mrs. Herman last week ...

2001oct03. Vintage cars in Cuba

2001oct05. Mail.

We are doing a Trade Show and need approx. 400 pieces of Bubble Gum cigars that are normally used for 'it's a boy ‒ it's a girl' baby giveouts. Do you have any that say simply 'congratulations' or even without a message in a mixture of blue and pink. This is a strange request, but we would need them here by October 12th ‒ thus, the urgency for your reply before I try and check with other vendors. Thank you, Nikki Hagan ‒ NEC Technologies.

There is absolutely nothing on my website that gives any indication that I'm in the business of selling bubble gum cigars. No "shopping baskets," no "customer service," no "prices," no "eight hundred number," no "ordering page." Maybe you need to take a break. I mean more like a "step back" or a sabbatical of some sort. Get some perspective, go on a road trip with no destination in mind, just cruise. Roll around the lower 48 like you just don't care. Free your mind, and your buttocks will follow. That sort of action. I used to work, just like you. One time, the executive secretary said to me "I haven't taken a vacation in five years." Like she was proud of it. I was going to tell her she was nuts, but I figured, you know, she made her own life. I was fired less than a week later, but I think it was really for stealing the soft-drink machine. It was one of those really old ones, you know, where the sodas were all in bottles and you could read the cap to figure out what brand of soda-pop it was, but there was like a metal neck-clamp so you couldn't take the bottle? I read somewhere that bad kids used to use bottle openers to open the bottles while they were still clamped ‒ then they'd drink the soda with a straw, piss in the bottle and hammer the cap back on. Ain't that a corker? Man, there ain't NOTHING like living in America.

2001oct07. So, this is it, really. This is the one where the hackers go up against the government and big business, full-court press style.

2001oct09. Interview: Janeane Garofalo

2001oct10. A cartoon mystery. There was a cartoon, maybe from the 60's-70's, that somehow centered around a dog and a man getting into some sort of accident. An ambulance arrives, and the paramedic makes a grievous medical error, dispensing "human plasma" to the dog, and "dog plasma" to the man, causing them to switch identities. I think this is the premise for the episode. I have nothing else to go on ‒ I don't know who created it, what company released it, nothing. I do remember that there was another cartoon drawn in the same style laden with puns ‒ e.g., a man with a large sculpture of the letters "O" and "N" on his back with the voiceover "But I carried on!," a fiendish cat holding a small pink blob with the voiceover "cat got your tongue?" If you know anything about this, drop me a line.

2001oct10. Mon microphone d'ami a résolu le mystère! Le Tex Avery! "Le Meilleur Ami du chien!" Le rowr-rowr!

Samuel et son chien Rover sont écrasés en traversant une rue. Un infirmier leur fait une transfusion mélangeant le plasma du chien et celui de son maître. Les résultats sont surprenants. Chez le boucher, Sam se précipite sur un morceau de viande dont il va ensuite enterrer l'os. Maggie, la femme de Sam, est sidérée en découvrant que, de son côté Rover se comporte comme son mari. Sam attaque le laitier et Rover refuse sa pâtée habituelle. Sam et Rover se battent ensemble et se mordent mutuellement. Sam poursuit un petit chat. Rover intervient et sauve le chat qui n'y comprend plus rien. Mais Maggie et sa chienne Fifi sont, a leur tour écrasées. Une nouvelle erreur de transfusion inverse le comportement de chacune des deux. Tout est donc désormais, pour le mieux.

Ah, le erreur de transfusion! Merci, merci ... merde! Le website du microphone: il est ici, chou-tête!

2001oct12. So, to recap what we know so far, in English. The cartoon "dog plasma" cartoon mystery was "Crazy Mixed-Up Pup," created by Tex Avery under the Walter Lantz studio. It was nominated for an Academy Award in 1954 but mysteriously lost out to a Mr. Magoo short entitled "Mr. Magoo Pays Off The Academy With Real, Actual Money And Wins The 1954 Academy Award For Best Cartoon." "Mixed-Up Pup" is apparently on a "Woody Woodpecker & Friends" compilation tape. Logically, there about twenty different "Woody Woodpecker & Friends" tapes (some including that dreary "Andy Pandy" feller ("Andy Panda Breathes Some Air," "Andy Panda Sits And Stares At The Cartoon Ceiling For Approximately Seventeen Minutes"), most including public-domain cartoons that are public-domain for a very special reason), making any attempt to find it that much more exhilirating. In addition, the other cartoon I mentioned, with all of the cliches ("cat got your tongue"), was also created by Tex Avery and called Symphony In Slang. The page is in French (except for the phrases) as was the previous one because the French people have a deep appreciation for Monsieur Avery and zee slapstickery. As should you. The End.

2001oct13. I've just received word from Sears that I am pre-qualified.

2001oct13. If you type someone's name in google one of the top ten hits will indicate that someone else with that person's name has participated in some sort of running race.

2001oct14. Oh, I'm just playing with this nifty little 2D cellular automata java applet in breathy anticipation of the new Wolfram book on cellular automata that will destroy all of our pre-existing notions of science and also everyone will get a free car. I know this is a 2D application and Woflram's dealing primarily in 1D, but it's saturday night, I'm not putting in any more research until these clods at Cardhouse start paying me at least time-and-a-half.

2001oct15. Random Web Page #3317.

2001oct15. I've been pounding myself a new dent in my forehead looking for a nice EPS clipart version of the USA. I mean, a free one. Why is this so difficult? You'd think it would be a pretty common thing, one of the first things a young graphic designer is going to put in their bag of tricks. I hereby decree the need for an open-source graphics website. It would be like one of those millions of clipart art sites, but you know, with graphics people would actually want to use, not a 20x20 animated GIF of a guy typing on a computer or a stick-figure construction worker digging a hole.

2001oct20. Mail. I waited for awhile before posting this one. No answer.

DEAR SIRS, We are NIKI IMPORT-EXPORT COMPANY LTD in VIET NAM.We specialize in Malt for some company in Vietnam.We act on a sole agency basis for a number of manufactures.

We have obtained your address from Internet .Please let us know about Malt .We are writing to enquire whether you would be willing to establish business relations with us. We shall be glad to enter into business relations with your company.

At present, We are interested in extending our and We would appreciate your catalogues and quotations

We look forward to your early reply.

Yours faithfully,
TEL: [number]
FAX : [number]


We don't have any catalogues, we're very just-in-time. What I need to know is what kind of malt you're looking for ... Because we're selling about several different types of malt here ‒ malt malt, barley malt, malt extract, processed malt ... I mean, what type of applications? you've got your psychoacoustical malt, Plastimalt™ for the smelting industry, and obviously GPSmalt for military/industrial/avionics/security purposes ... then I can hook you up with our luscious salesteam and we will collude/extrude...

J. Hoshenderr

2001oct22. I've been installing a few things on my PC. Typically, I can go months without installing something. I'm not one of those pumped-up geeks who has to have the latest, the greatest. I want a stable system, nothing more. Somewhere in the middle of all this installing one of the programs put an icon on my desktop and in my system menu pointing to the "FREE BonziBUDDY" website, consisting of a small monkey. Apparently it's some sort of web helper application. BonziBUDDY talks to you or something. It must be like that Microsoft paper clip, but for old people.

You know what? I've got a hard enough time juggling all of this junk, keeping it all in the air at the same time without some scumbagware putting ads on my desktop. So I hunted down BonziBUDDY and I killed him, the end.

In other news, boingboing is still down. I'm going to have start on the methadone pretty soon.

2001oct25. Mail.

Free Bonzibuddy ‒ I got one of those too. I think it came in with the latest upgrade to the Audiogalaxy client, although YMMV, of course.

I realise Audiogalaxy has to make money, but by allowing the Bonzi arseholes to include this unannounced adware into their installation, they've just gone down several points in my esteem.

By the way, I'm looking for two and a half tons of Pontefract Cakes...

-- James (in the UK)

Ah. Audiogalaxy, of course. I did just install that. I use it, of course, to download public-domain MP3s and to back up my own music collection. I am listening to "David Foster Wallace" by Tsunami and I am also recommending that (and Tipsy and Le Tigre and Ladytron) and I'm occasionally slipping off to the library to read "A Supposedly Fun Thing Which I'll Never Do Again" or whatever by David Foster Wallace. I'm "behind the times," it is to be assured. But! But! This whole Pontrefract Cakes business is an interesting one. I can't tell if they're hard licorice or soft licorice because I didn't read the whole article and it's important to note that hard licorice blows. Also, here is another page that features Pontrefact Cakes and of course, Uncle Joe's Mint Balls, which has been covered in-depth by at least one other humor site so nothing more will be said here except that the Uncle Joe's Mint Balls font kicks fucking ass. Oh, there he goes again with the fucking.

Anyway, a lot of groovy things are happening all at once. There will be more on all of this stuff as it reaches the finish line. There is also more mail from people who think Cardhouse is a candy factory, but as always, I'm giving them a chance to volley back to my horrendously callous and snide replies, to dig even deeper for that rich vein of comedic gold.

So, are they soft? I like soft licorice. We can't find anywhere to buy good soft licorice anymore, now it's all Panda and American Licorice and Kookaburra which isn't that bad, but come on, that shape! Christ. No, the licorice is not in the shape of Christ.

2001oct25. Mail.

Dear Editors...

My name is [name], and I am a professional journalist in Middlesizedcity, State.

I would like to interest you in a story proposal for the no-holds-barred Mixed Martial Arts event known as Ultimate Fighting.

[Sportsname], Inc. is having a match here in Middlesizedcity on Dayname, Monthname Datenumber. I will have access to the fighters and anyone else I need. A piece on this sport and how it is sweeping the nation will be right up your alley, as an entertainment paper.

If you have never seen an event like this, you can't imagine what it is like. It is raw, yet glitzy. There are pyrotechnics; there is energetic music thumping in the arena. It is really something else.

I would like to introduce this event to Cardhouse's readers who are unfamiliar with it, and find a unique perspective for those who already enjoy it. Or even provide food for thought for those who don't care for it at all. Whatever your thoughts on the matter, it is a fascinating display.

Please let me know if you would be interested. I can work from any angle: the show, the fighters, the behind-the-scenes people, the safety aspect, the male fans, the female fans. Whatever you need, I can do it.

I may be reached most easily at the above email address.

I look forward to speaking with you.

I think most of my readers are very familliar with Ultimate Fighting. I think half of my readers have probably participated in Ultimate Fighting one way or another, even if that simply means breaking a chair over a co-worker's head during lunch. Those crazy Cardhouse readers! I tell ya.

These options you've given all sound pretty standard to me. What I'm looking for here is something new and exciting, a completely different perspective. If you'll induldge me, let me set up the scenario in which [name] becomes the story:

First, you'll need a bear costume, and some kind of flying harness, like the ones used for stage productions of "Peter Pan." My shakey understanding of Ultimate Fighting is that the whole ring is enclosed in what I'm remembering as an eight-foot high fence, so no one escapes. That keeps the contestants in, but it's not going to keep you, [name], out. Okay, now, you're going to have to gain the confidence of the floor manager of the Ultimate Fighting competition. I don't know how you're going to do this ‒ but you're a journalist, you can figure out a way. Slip him a twenty to rig up the flying harness in advance of the fight. You might want to also have it obscured by banners and flowery foo-faa, so as not to attract attention.

So now, the fight's started. Here's where the fun begins, and I'm sure you've already anticipated where I'm going with this. You would wait until both contestants are good and bloody, all slicked up with the red juice, okay? The crowd is going nuts, they want more blood, and you just go off to one side of the stadium, put on the bear costume, attach yourself to the harness (you might have to some "practice runs" at rehearsal), and zip right over the ring. You of course would then drop into the ring, and from here, well, there are several options, but let's consider two:

1) The logical (yet nonsensical) imitating-a-bear display of growling, attempting to maul one or both contestants, more growling, etc.

2) Standing on your hind legs, grabbing the microphone, making an impassioned plea to stop the violence, in the name of the animal kingdom.

I'm sure you can think of more scenarios here ‒ or, perhaps you could just wing it. You never know what could happen when your adrenaline starts pumping and you're wearing a bear costume in the middle of an Ultimate Fighting match.

The pay is ten dollars for the completed story. Good luck.


I Should have suggested taking LSD as well. Wasn't really thinking. It's 3:00am here.

2001oct29. A useful resource:

2001oct29. Delicious, nutritious TV Go Home this fortnight.

2001oct29. Maximum Participation Billboard Liberation

2001oct30. Just tripped over this interview with David Cross in The Onion.

2001oct31. Leisuretown redesigns, adds stuff, etc. ETC!

2001oct31. Well, there goes my fun. I can no longer consume THC-laced birdseed, according to the FDA.. So why don't they just fucking round everyone up and put them in mall-based concentration camps already. Call it the "Freedom March." Save us all from our horrible, horrible selves. Anyway, I loved this wiggy "Dr. Bronner responds to the DEA" comment over on

November 2001.

2001nov01. Yep, I'm a candy factory. Toot toot, makin' the candy. Also, I like to give out tons of free candy information!


I'm a promotional material supplier, and am having difficulty locating 5000 brandable candy cigarettes.

Can you help? A 1930's brand would be cool..

Please mail me back asap, to PERSON AT PERSON DOTCOM

Look forward to hearing from you.


have some more...

Sir: I do enjoy very much the smaller version of the Necco wafers candy. I am 69 years old, and ever since I can remember I have loved the Necco Wafers. But, because of retirement I have had to stop eating the Necco Wafers as the pension check I get each month does not allow me to splurge money on canddies. But, A certain supermarket chain by the name of Albertson's here in Houston Texas began to sell the miniature Necco Wafer candys, they are called Stark Candy Wafers. So once again because of their low selling price, I have been able to buy and enjoy these delicious candy wafers. But, Now, Albertsons has been cutting out the sales of Stark Candy Wafers. I have been buying them by the carton they come in. What I need is an address or a telephone number so that I can order these stark candy wafers. They are not listed in this website. thank you

... and some more from Indonesia...


Dear Card House

I am citizen of Indonesia who want to know how to purchase one slove of PALM CIGARETTE OF PIETERMAN (HOLAND ‒ 2000), frankly speaking I need only this small quantity due to my grand father who are very sick and maybe this is his last request. so dear card house, please let me know how to purchase this or maybe you have suggestion to buy this cigartte in Indonesia.

Best regards Rustam

I think that's all of recent ones. So, I'm asking you, my loyal readers - should I redesign the site as a candy manufacturing facility and move the weblog somewhere else to draw in more suckers, or should I continue to send them very, very sour replies? Or both? Or neither? It's UP ... TO YOU!

2001nov01. What I'd like to reflect on this Halloween is how utterly horrible Hershey's Kisses are. They're reprehensible. I am now satirically suggesting that they're manufactured out of old carpet remnants. Quite a jest!

2001nov01. Doing "research." Found Bunny Goes Raving on the web archive for a friend, and never noticed this update to from last year. Dots are blown in Africa.

2001nov02. Cardhouse's beloved Dr. Cliff now has a dental-related tattoo. I think he should get another one of those smiling teeth you always see outside the dentist's office, but this one would be scowling and brandishing some hideous dental tools. The kids would dig it.

2001nov02. This is extremely important: I had a sour stomach for two.5 days after eating those Hershey Kisses. Or it might have been the tiny "fun size" OilButterfinger bar. Or the five million "even more fun size" Crunch bars. I don't know, I'll figure it out before I fill out the police report (heading: "ohhhh, my tummy").

2001nov05. A recent article in the Sunday Times contains pictorial excerpts from the "amazing" Al-Quada terrorist manual. "Cribbed from manuals given to secret services from around the world," reads one caption under a pipe rigged with explosives.

Here's another shot of the pipe. Or rather, here's a completely different picture of the same pipe, from a different source ‒ I took this one from issue 10 of X Magazine, published in 1992. I got the image from military book FM5-31, "Boobytraps." It's got all sorts of goodies in there, including that chocolate bar explosive mentioned in the article.

It was published by the U.S. government in 1965 and is freely available on the web in at least two places (one, two), or you could just go to your local army/navy surplus store. Heck, the GPO might still print 'em up. It also has interesting tactics that "could be used by the enemy" (nudge, nudge), including setting off a small charge in a building to attract people, whereupon you set off the second, larger explosive.

In the end, the term "secret services" is a little misleading. But I think it's most likely that the CIA just passed the manuals along to Bin Laden awhile ago with a hearty slap on the back.

2001nov05. Totally Extreme Christmas Pops!!!!!111!1 This display was stationed at a local market. I have two observations: (1) every time I walk into a store, which is not that often, the only thing running constantly through my brain go something like this: "who's buying all this shit? who in the hell is purchasing this [mentally gesturing to insane holiday-themed item]? Or this [gesturing]?" (2) The word "extreme" now officially means absolutely nothing. I've also made the belated discovery that the only place in Safeway, for example, that you're going to find healthy, non-gimmicked food is in baby jars. It's imperative for babies to eat healthy food, but after that, you're on your own, pal.

2001nov06. Interview with Prankster John Law


2001nov07. Soosan sends word that there's a "spectacular" lumber truck chase on CNN right now ‒ apparently the lumber in the back of the truck is on fire, as well as a forklift. I don't have cable, so I'm counting on her sporadic updates via email.

2001nov07. The other John Law article [via big rig industries]

2001nov07. Flaming lumber truck action. via peacedividend

2001nov08. I just received an email message from my friend who's vacationing in Europe. He had to go through a strangely-named online mail service called "Yahoo." At the end of his message there was an ad for Yahoo, a promotional consideration for the "stamps" (?) provided by another company, another ad to "click here" to join some weird cult and win, according to the mail message , "COOL PRIZES," and an animated gif ad for an mp3 downloading service hosted by a growling cup of coffee. On top of all this, I finally did some half-hearted research on the Internet Bearer Underwriting Corporation and was disappointed to learn that funding has been almost non-existent. Selling dog food over the internet? That, that gets millions of dollars. But creating a foundation of digital cash that actually makes some sense, not like this "penny a page" nonsense? You get squat, so everyone gets four ads in their email.

2001nov09. Please enjoy the lyrics to Kaimono-o Theme? Thank you.

2001nov09. Cardhouse Bay Area Challenge #14: One day we were flipping around the TV dial and found NHK. It was a program called "Kid's Challenge." But I can't seem to find any reference to the show, or a station broadcasting NHK, anywhere. This is broadcast TV, mind you. I've tried KCRT, KTEH, KQED ... nothing. Anyone?

2001nov11. Kogepan characters. A popular series of cute Japanese bread-based characters which will soon invade your hometown. "When feeling like talking, it's going to be long." My favorite is when Kogepan tries to imitate Ichigopan by putting strawberries on his head. "Hey, lookit me! Over here! I'm Ichigopan!!! You will respect the spurious strawberries!" Oh Kogepan, will you ever get didactic?

2001nov12. It's like I was telling my cellmate this morning ... there's nothing that can match the magical pageantry of Hip Hop on Ice. No, really. "The performers and skaters will have close contact." You can see the contacting here.

2001nov12. My question about "Kid's Challenge" has been answered by a few people. Apparently it was shown on KTSF, which comes in sporadically on my futuristic television.

2001nov12. Browsers need two more buttons: "open up every link on this page" and "open up every link on this page that isn't from this website." I have a million ideas, and they're each worth one dollar.

2001nov15. Don't Believe The Type. Banksy. [via metafilter]

2001nov16. I have just been informed that I have been "pre-selected" to receive a free cell phone.

2001nov19. Old rekords.

2001nov19. Ebay: LISTEN TO THE NITRO-BURNING SOUNDS OF TODAY'S TOP FUNNY CARS AS THEY ROAR DOW ‒ oh, wait, it's a record of people on LSD.

2001nov19. Ebay: Simpsons rolling papers. For the younger members of our audience out there, rolling papers are used to smoke marijuana, a plant currently cultivated specifically to fund police SUVs and tactical riot gear.

2001nov20. Mail.

Subject: A Must See Breakthrough For Weight Lose!

Melting away inches is easier then you think! Shaves off 8-10 INCHES OF BODY FAT IN ONE HOUR *Guaranteed*!

Breakthrough technology helps you **Lose INCHES NOW**, Tightens Skin, Cleanses and Detoxifies your System.

Women will lose inches from their arms and thighs Men will lose inches in the belly area!!!

I've been looking at old pulp detective ads from the 1950s lately .. they say pretty much the same thing. Except the part about losing eight-to-ten inches in one hour. What are they selling, knives? It's going to take an impressive amount of gullibility to swallow that one. Think about that for awhile. Ten inches of fat, gone in an hour. Where would it go? Cuba? I'm so baffled I'm scratching my belly area.

2001nov20. Kaycee Nicole fans should check out this week's New Yorker, which features an article about one "Tony Johnson," a young man who's been at death's door since 1993 and mysteriously sounds the same as the older woman who won't let anyone see him...

2001nov21. What would be really cool to do is totally freak out every year about this time because tomorrow is National Overeating Day. You could drive like maniacs and shove and push people so you can get the biggest goddamn bird you've ever seen. Call your spouse on the cell phone, they're in another grocery store. Coordinate! Coordinate! You could totally stress yourselves out planning and preparing for this food orgy. You could even plan the whole thing out on a spreadsheet. Go to town.

Most of the time now I feel like I'm in one of those comical time-lapse films where everything is moving extremely fast except for one thing that is moving slowly from one side of the frame to the other.

The car died today. The one thing isn't moving anymore.

2001nov22. "A carpet of gold. Or a carpet of bombs." Yeah, that's a Bush quote, all rightee. Utterly wretched/inexusable/horrendous. But we've all been saying that every day now ... where's that "tipping point"? [via ethel the blog]

2001nov22. The FBI and the Secret Service is apparently sniffing around Houston's Art Car Museum, because of, you know, all the terrorism performed there. [via peace dividend]

2001nov28. I received some licorice today from a Cardhouse reader based in the UK. I also received an order for M7 with a dollar folded up like a dress shirt. Or really, like a Hawaiian shirt. Scan to follow. Or not.

2001nov30. The funny thing about Go is that, at least for me, the better I understand what's happening, the worse I play. When I was 25 Kyu, I placed pieces on the board in a drunken haze and kicked the computer's ass until it stopped spotting me pieces. Now I'm back to 20 Kyu. Oh it is crazy! Anyway, here's the nice free Go game that is hurting my brain.

2001nov30. Introduction to Go.

December 2001.

2001dec01. Of course there's a web page about the dollar shirt. Much easier than scanning.

2001dec02. Mail.

Dear Sir/Madam,
We are pleased to introduce ourselves as one of the leading distributors of cosmetics & foodstuffs to the Ethiopian market. We are also known as one of the biggest importers in East Africa. We have a very good experience of 20yrs and are representing many companies from all over the world especially Europe and U.S.A.

We are presently very much interested in starting business relationships with you and would like to supply your "Chewing Gums" to the Ethiopian market.

Waiting for your prompt reply.
Yours Sincerely,
Saleh M.

Thank you for your letter. Before considering new avenues of distribution, we require printed catalog samples. Please send to [address].

Thank you.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your email and sorry for such a late reply.

We couldn't understand what catalogs are you aksing for. We don't have any catalogs as we are buyers.

Please clear this thing and send us your reply immediately.

You guys are buyers??? Dude, we're buyers too!!! We're like buyer buddies. Don't you hate it when you're like buying something, and it doesn't come? Christ. But anyway, you're buying all this stuff - surely you sell it, right? Lemme know what you sell, I might buy it ‒ because -- if you remember from earlier ‒ I'm a frickin' buyer!! I'm totally into buying right now. People have been telling me to settle down and stop buying so much but there's so much out there that needs to be bought. Like what kind of foodstuffs do you sell? Sometimes I sell dogfood, I don't know if that would be called a "foodstuff." I mean, for some people, maybe. Brrr. Couldn't do it myself, rather just starve. I mean, they grind up the worst parts of cows to make that. And here's the corker ‒ they used to feed dead dogs and cats to cows! So it's like this exciting cycle of chowing down that totally blows that "food chain" theory right out of the water. You could feed rhinos to mice! Man can do anything now, and it's all because people want to buy stuff. That's where we come in.

Reply pending.

2001dec06. [Cardhouse] For those of you who have heard the radio station interview about New Orleans Santacon 2001 and are looking for New Orleans Santacon 2001, well, then, it's here.

2001dec12. When your car goes dead and your phone line goes dead but keeps ringing you back up so it can speak to you in loud geiger-counter-like tones, that would not be the time to ask "what else could possibly happen?" Because you will be summoned to district court jury duty. In the future when things of this nature happen I will ask "where is the mailman with the chocolate and go-carts I didn't order?"

2001dec12. Let's all celebrate the one millionth tech article which paints for us an amazing revolutionized future when in fact the new technology is much more suited to invade our privacy in new and untold ways.

"Christ, these sensors might, for example, cut your hair while you're walking through a hallway. You wouldn't have to go to the salon anymore. Also these sensors would feed you and change your diaper."

"Major General, sensor 298490105 has detected Human #192394a thinking about committing a thought crime, sir."
"Mmmmmm, a meta-thought crime. Have the sensors at the end of the hall cut his hair to boot camp regulation length, if you follow me."

2001dec14. Mail. I'm starting to think that people are toying with me.

Thats NOT truw at all

Here's another one. If someone wants to write a response for this one, I'll forward it along.

Dear Sir,

We are a Chinese company. We are looking for some tobacco additives and flavorings for Chinese tobacco & cigarette manufacturing market. We’d be very grateful for your contacting with us if you are interested in it and have the proper resources.

Yours truly,

Jun Liu Manager of Beijing Dynamic Accuracy Company, China

And a third letter.

Hello, this is a place for science right? Then I was wondering, what the formula is for finding out how many levels, an amount of playing cards, would form, if building a cardhouse. If you can fix that you are the greatest! /Marcus

You are speaking of the Cardhouse Seldeen Formula. I never liked the "A" frame Cardhouse structure, I'm more of a "box" frame Cardhouse robot. A discussion of the Seldeen Cardhouse Hair Restoring Formula is here.

2001dec14. Oh, I know, he asked for a formula to determine how many levels a specified amount of playing cards would make and I sent him away to a page that would indicate how many cards would be needed to create a cardhouse of a specified level. Shhhh... let's see if he notices.

2001dec16. [Cardhouse] website nub dragged out into the sunlight.

2001dec16. Napkin holders with coin-operated fortune tellers or trade stimulators.

2001dec17. Mail.

Have you ever seen the episode of the Twilight Zone called (i think) "The Nick of Time"? It has William Shatner and a fortune teller/napkin holder in it. The napkin holder has a little spring mounted devil-head on it (see photo, right).

Holly F.

For the most part, I've only seen the visual portion of a lot of Twilight Zone episodes (but I can't remember Shatner obsessing over a napkin holder, in any case). There was a dance club in Detroit that used to project all sorts of interesting things on one wall, around eight feet high. Dancing while trying to figure out Twilight Zone plots is a good way to hurt your brain.

2001dec18. Mail.

i remember that shatman episode ‒ he became obsessed because, i think, the little napkin holder kept successfully predicting what would happen. then his woman left him. after that, he went on to star in several horrid television shows, but he did not go on to kill his wife, like robert blake probably did.

wait, shatner's wife died in his backyard pool, and i think he's already remarried again. hmmm....


2001dec18. "Let's see ... doo dee doo ... tea, tea, scones, chip buttie, sacred Ethiopian artifact, rashers, tea ... oh, here it is! Tea."

2001dec19. Awhile ago, when I was in the middle of a three-day bender, I made some wild, thinking-out-of-the-box proactive browser suggestions ... then I got this in the "email":

'01nov12. Browsers need two more buttons: "open up every link on this page" and "open up every link on this page that isn't from this website." I have a million ideas, and they're each worth one dollar.'

i saw this, and thought 'thats a bloody good idea'

so i made some bookmarklets that would do that stuff:

if you find them useful, then consider it thanks for the many years of entertainment i have received from your site :)


Thanks! This the kind of job I would like. I would sit around shooting off my mouth, and then someone like the nice Mr. Matt would turn fluffy dreams into cash-cow reality. Or I could dig ditches, I'm not really particular at this point. I'm very excited about getting a job again because then I will have a job! And jobs are fun. Weeeoooo, jobs.

2001dec19. Mail.

So, I folded me one of them there dollar shirts after I saw the link on your site. Mom saw it, and decided to give her grandkids "shirts" for Christmas, and because I was clearly the expert in the area, she had me fold them. Thanks for making more work in my busy life.

This is what $220 worth of shirts looks like.

You could have made one hundred dollars worth of shirts... and that would have been a lot of shirts. But you had to go all the way ... and make two-hundred and twenty dollars worth of shirts... awww yeah...

2001dec21. TV Dinner $10.25 [via anon. mail]

2001dec22. DYI fridge magnet rolling ball sculpture. "Frigits Deluxe is the same as Frigits, only DELUXE!"

2001dec22. NOLA Santa gauntlet laid down. "This town isn't big enough for approximately 140 Santas..." I propose all y'all start trucifying for next year. Stop the Santa madness. It'll be a link up between our gang and your gang...


2001dec24. Belgian "Big Brother" type show or parody or something. With rabbits. Looks like it's all over.

2001dec24. The Dutch website (warning to those of you mysteriously at work during the holiday season: there is a random nakeds lady on the homepage) has voted Cardhouse the "best foreign weblog 2001." I have been exchanging pleasantries with the site's adminsistrator. He will be teaching me about freedom, and I will be teaching him how to really, totally consume the hell out of stuff.

2001dec25. [Dr. Cliff] SantaCon 2001 New Orleans.

2001dec28. Some of the more humorous listings from the outdated fall schedule for kszu:

M 7-9 PM PALO ALTO CITY COUNCIL: Hardcore civics the way they play it downtown, baby.

M 12-3 AM THE DEVIL'S MUSIC with Charlie Manscum: Punk 12 inches, 7 inches. We've got 'em all, and if yer nice, we'll let you play the secret touching game with the turntables!

T 9-12 PM INNERWAR with Jonathan: Try to fight off feelings of despair and hopelessness while drowning in a flood of dark ambient, death industrial, power electronics, dark military, metal, and goth. Music that will drive you to kill your neighbors, then yourself.

T 12-3 PM THE 3-WAY BLUES CARAVAN with Smitty Ray Barlow: Romance goes horribly awry. Finances have become tenuous at best. Law enforcement is historically antagonistic. Hey, it's the blues, schmuck!

2001dec31. [Cardhouse] The Baltimore Contingent has turned in boatloads of card decks in the form of printer waste sheets from around the world. And Tennessee.

2001dec31. Cockeyed: How Much Of That Ink That Is Inside An Ink-Jet Printer Cartridge Is Inside It (I Mean, If You Printed Porn?)?

2001dec31. This just in: a FRESH update on that BMW abandoned in the airport parking lot.