[ home | archive | magazine | x7 ]

Worship the <X>: Stretch 'n Dust dusting cloths
by Ray Eifler

In this installment of Worship the X, we take a look at an item of such advanced technology, such intellectual diversity, that it scares me. An item whose sheer existence makes us realize that we have been wasting our lives watching "Doogie Hoswer, MD." AT ITEM SO BRILLIANT that I have to avert my eyes. This product of American consumerism is "STRETCH 'N DUST®."

Stretch 'n Dust ... Stretch 'n Dust? Stretch 'n Dust!? Yes. This mild-mannered cleaning napkin is truly a sight to behold. The box is a simple bleak yellow, bleeding with understatement. The picture of the product's use on the cover borders on repugnant. Soon it will be time to open it up. Realize how weak a duster you are without it ... now you are ready to proceed.

Open Stretch 'n Dust. Inside lurks the bright yellow towelettes (an appealing word). Relentlessly speckled with orange, denoting superiority. Pull one out. Look. LOOK AT IT! It is slightly confusing, for there appears to be a lack of cleaning power. Where could the power be? Can you see it? NO, you can not! Yet you know its there. Now it is time. The time that all things wait for. The time to stretch. Stretch!!!! Feel the power surge through your veins like a PlayDoh® Fun Factory®. Now dust! Dust like there is no tomorrow! You are now a Stretch 'n Dust Shaman.

Those little porous holes ... they open up! They open as if to invite dust to an evening of dinner and dancing. Oh how I respect them. And the noise they make as they open, couldn't you just die? A ripping and tearing sound without either! Our technology knows no bounds! As the cleaning proceeds, I realize that this is a truly a gift. Never has one product cleaned so much for so little. Non-toxic, easy to use, and all-powerful, the Stretch 'n Dust works its magic at your bidding, happy to serve its cleaning master. Now dispose of it, confident that you have many more at your disposal (three to a box!). Oh bliss, bliss and contentment in my anal-retentive frenzy, made pleasurable by Stretch 'n Dust.

[ home | archive | magazine | x7 ]