Always-precious reader input!

This is the 'general commentary' page. Specific input goes to specific pages, for example,

Cletus the bug mail goes here.

BurningMan mail goes here.

Little Rubber Indian mail goes here.

And from now on,
Tech Support mail goes here.

To reaffirm my position as Master of the Obvious:

Anything sent to me, interesting, funny, nice, mean, stupid, smart, is fair game and may show up here. Complete with misspellings, bad grammar, whatever. Reader input is this color and font, my commentary is this color and font. capiz?

Some Anonymous Fan writes:

Hey Asshole,
I thought when I went to the part of your website with the fuckin
pictures and clicked on YOU, it might give me the chance to post my
pic. Instead, all I got was some aoorgant shit. POST MY FUCKIN PICTURE OR I'LL YOU'LL BE SICK. I am at home all day with nothing better to do than Fuck with you. You see, I'm real angry because of my illness. And i have a fat fuckin computer.

Post this please

Luckily I've dealt with half-literate pea-brains before, so I could figure this one out. Cleverly attached was also a pic of a severed head.

Jeff Yablon writes:

G'day from Australia, Consider yourself blessed forever for meeting the GREAT Ed Roth. Jeff

Indeed I do!

Timothy Case writes:

You dumb dick fascist screwhead,

How dare you waste my time with pictures of
BMAN98 obviously showing how de-evolved the human species has become. I didn't think it was very funny you hitting that man with hammer, YOU HEAR ME, not funny at all you piece-a-shit helmet raper. Next time go straight to the skull.

And I take extreme offense at your obvious mocking of a man in
terrible pain. Granted the pain was caused by his lack for anything
holy and intelligent, but that's not the point. An 80's band should
be coddled and spread around to be ridiculed by everyone equally, but
instead you selfish insult pigs hog it all for yourself. Don't you
think maybe the rest of us have something to say about a bad 80's
band? Hmmm, Mr. UCLA. Mr. Couldn't get into Berkely or Stanford, or any other piss poor school on the East Coast. Hmmm, Mr. I'm so smart, intelligence is pouring out my ears as I vomit another Friday night away in Frat Land.

By the way, I want to screw your girlfriend,

Can I borrow your guns?
timothy case
Asshole and total Jerk

Timmy- my girlfriend is now my wife, so screwing her would be against the law for anyone but me. Sorry, that's the law, mister. You can't borrow my guns but you can look down the muzzle while I clean one.

Stanley Denman writes:
Got a VGA monitor that fails intermitently. TAlked to a guy I know who
said it is fairly common as they get old for the monitor to fail as it gets
hot. I have indeed noticed that it shuts off after it gets hot. By shuts
off I mean I get a blank screen- the monitor light remains on.

I sprung for a new monitor but I was thinking that, with the old monitor, I
would have a nearly complete system I could my parents.

Wondering if I could fix this monitor on the cheap. Thanks.

Is the humor in Tech Support too subtle? I thought by pointing a pistol at the monitor and attacking it with a screwdriver, it would be PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS that I'm not really fixing it.

Jessica Webster writes:

I thoroughly enjoyed your Burning Man 98 photos. I'm a crotchety old veteran, myself, and tried really hard to follow the "if you can't say
anything nice, don't say anything at all" doctrine last year but gave up
after a little while. Actually stayed for one whole entire day - but
that's a longish story (, in the travelogues section)
Anyway my point is - I'm very glad to know there are folks perhaps bitchier than my bad self out there on the playa. Please say you'll be there again this year - I've got tickets and enthusiasm at ready and am even going all out and building a wacky shelter thingy and everything and am looking forward to meeting the Cardhouse lot.


Thanks, babe. See you on the playa.

more from Jessica Webster :

no guns? no tiki torches? no way!

My fondest memory from BMan 96 is of the shooting range out by the mountain.
Drive by Barney-plugging from the back of a pickup truck. Yeah. There just aren't that many opportunities for such fun in the city! Plus, I've never witnessed irresponsible gun-wielding - etiquette was either practiced or taught on -the-spot!
And a big whatever on the tiki torch thing.

[i had written that tiki torches were banned during bm98, after a bm official got drunk and burned his own tent down]

But what REALLY, um, burned me was when I was working with this publicist a coupla years ago and Larry Harvey and babe came in to try to strong-arm him into handling BMan publicity. A month before the event. Which was like in the Sacred Screed of BMan - we will never go over 10K people, never charge over $50 for the use of the portapotties, and never ever advertise/hire a publicist!

Guess the spotlight must have been too much. LH is easily dazzled.

Aside from organizing a bachanalia away from these silly folks, we should put together some "Yes Guns, No Ecstacy" propoganda. Yeah...


Now I'm really looking forward to seeing you on the playa. We need a mule to carry a suspicious package into the BMHQ tent.

Swainer writes, after reading about the Mojave Phone Booth Excursion (and the jackass we all laughed at):

I think that all I can say without launching into my own lengthy diatribe is: perhaps if this asshole is so far advanced, well age-d and an expert on what everyone should feel and how they should act, he should stay home and continue watching TV. It seems that his pre-packaged ideals and assumptions must have begun festering somewhere and the old Talking Lamp seems like a logical explanation.

Who stepped in dogshit and tracked it all over my screen?

Yeah, he was a hoot. He still has his 'friends' send insulting emails to me. For example-

"Cecilia Lake" writes:

Subject: what a dick you are

Dear Dr. Cliff,
Just browsed through the piss ass comments by you regarding the booth and the guy in the SUV. All I can say is you are a real dick!

Also, that's a totally shitty web page -- like the broken links and crap photos. Before you decide to spew your views out onto the net, learn how to assemble a simple web page you loser!

Love and kisses,

Thanks for your constructive commentary, Cecelia. Folks like you are what make the web a joy.

Lemme guess- you're a
pal of the guy in the SUV and he put you up to this. I'm psychic! Actually, I'm just a little smarter than your average third-grader, which puts me leagues ahead of you and your cohort.

Advice for Cecelia's future attempts to gain the acceptance of her peers:
Before you let your '
friends' talk you into emailing a stranger-

  1. Get at least a vague idea what you're talking about (were *you* at the booth? mmmm, didn't think so).
  2. Find a stranger who cares what you think. This note is all of my time that you are worth, just like yer pal.
  3. Make sure it's someone who won't/can't track you down if you keep pissing him off.

For broader advice- try to pick better friends, so you'll be berated and dismissed by strangers less often. I know it hurts. Bye for good.

p.s. I think 'piss-ass' should be hyphenated. Read & write much?

Jeremy Heywood writes (after much discussion of CRT-smashing, seeded by the Tech Support Section):

One of my uncles used to really enjoy taking old televisions (where he got them from i don't know) down to the dump on a sunday, when he could be sure of finding some people looking for stuff (yeah, he lives in a REAL nice area...)

He'd unload the tv in full view of the scavengers, then return to the back seat of his car, grab a hammer, swagger back to the tv and toast that tube with a huge swing.

I'm sure he only did it to see the looks on their faces.
I don't understand my family, I really don't...

i'm off to the lab...

funny you should say that!

check out

Turns out this guy works at 'the lab'. He made the graphics for the above site. So hire him or something.

<> pipes up, in response to Gallstone 16:

i'm sorry i made you uncomfortable in the 99-cent store. i forgot to take my meds. i promise not to do it again.

love and kisses,

I just can't figure out if leslie was the schizophrenic, the Jesus-freak, or the shit-stained homeless woman. Check out her site, and cast your vote.

<> writes:

You are very funny. As you can tell, I am not, so I really appreciate reading something that is hysterical.

I was in marketing before kids; keep up the good work slamming the inane. I used to be in charge of packaging for Smucker's, and had a fight with my manager who wanted to put "New Package" in a flag (little circle)on the label. "Oh thank you, Smucker's, I wouldn't have known it was your product, other than that huge word "SMUCKER'S" on the front." Asshole.

Ed writes to add his two cents to Gallstone #18:

Vegetarian- Indian word for *Lousy Hunter*.

It's true!

Jessica's Periodic update (on learning of my relocation to Nawlins):

Having enjoyed some interesting times in Nahlins my own self, I gleaned this about the drinking situation: an open container is one that might spill, causing you to pay more attention to your wet sticky lap (ahem) than the road. It's "illegal" to drive with an open container, but one with a plastic top/straw sticking out it A-OK.
Beware the Alligator Frappes at the Absinthe House.

This from a mysterious submitter identified only as "Michaels":

In regards to the photo of the engine(two V8's end to end)taken on a flatbed at high speed driving through is a "reverse occipital combustion engine" used in the Amtrak commuter trains pre 1976, I could be wrong about the date....I can only see one side of the ferometer in the picture, however, it is definately early 70's.

For the record, I think this person is totally full of shit. Anyone who misspells "definitely" is too low on the I.Q pole to know what they're talking about.

Random glabbering from Troy.

Absolute strangest website I have seen......... Saw u on tv though and checked it out...... Love it.........ever need any help with it lemme know... hehe.'

Accolades from

I wish you were my dentist. I have never had a cavity and I don't want one, but If I ever get one guess where I am headed?? Your house thats where.
Anyway I hope everything goes well for you in dirty los angeles

Thanks, mrfattyfatfat. [Let the record show that I am currently in dirty New Orleans, not dirty Los Angeles.]

"SuperDrunk" pulls himself up off the bar to write in-

jeez I really like your page know what drinking and guns are all about! I also liked your girlfriend's blobs.

your friend

She's my WIFE now.

"Jean-Paul" pipes up, to exemplify the weaknesses explained in Gallstone #18-

I'm a normal person - a vegetarian.

is it possible to be both?

Screw your mother's aunt you no brained c**t. at least you could respect other people's decisions, you stupid american wanker. go and cut your head in half and then you might be sensical.

Hey, ease up there, pal! I'm still looking for the lesson of respect you were trying to teach me... it must be hidden between calling me a c**t and a wanker. And it's true that if I somehow halved my intelligence, I would probably become a vegetarian, because I would be too stupid to do much else.

For the record, I respect your decision to eat plants. It's a free world in my book. What I find laughable, is vegetarians. Looks like that includes you.

Oh, look out! He's coming after me with a seed-packet!

Anthony comes to the rescue with these much-needed kind words-

I love your site. Found it by accident lookin for some repair tips on a IBM monitor but really glad I found it. I almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard. Especially liked the techniques of gettin the security screws out and wiring the cell phone to 110 volts.

Thanks, pal. I was starting to wonder if the humor was too subtle in the tech repair section.

rocketbob discloses the fate of another LRI-

hell-o....i found a little rubber indian wound in chain on my art car. thanks

Sweet! Input from a real BurningMan celebrity. I wrote back, asking for a picture...

sorry dr. cliff the indian is gone,no snap shots.bob

agggh! he threw it away! not even a picture! destroy all rocketbobs! tosses in his/her two cents-

Dr. Cliff; You are the sickest degenerate I've encountered in years. Its guys like you that made me leave the left coast 10 years ago. Makes me want to lock my daughter up just thinking about your weirdness.

You have a daughter? Send jpg, please.

On a lighter note, if I ever decide to go to Burning Man, you'll be the guy I hire as a personal bodyguard/guide.

You left the left coast to escape 'degenerates', and went to where? please say nyc, i need a good laugh.

Angus McFangus prattles on for our entertainment...

On this page it says "What is it you would like to say to me?" Well, here's the thing. I don't want to say anything. My world is devoid of meaningful ideas which I would like to communicate. I think thats great. More people should not do things. I used to do things ( but now I know better. That web site should prove my point. Your website proves my point. Spread the word of Jesus, and the Peanut Butter of God, and stop spreading your crazed blah blah.

well... 'A' to you, 'MF'! come by again soon.

MolotovJo sends this keen insight:

I dont think you ever LOSE a sock. I think that socks turn into the lint you clean out of the lint trap in your dryer. If you hang your cloths outside on the line, its the lint in your belly button.


Yet another baboon missing the humor of tech support-

hi dr.cliff,
I used to repair old monitors other people threw out by replacing a fuse. Now though, the newer monitors don't have fuses. I found a lovely dell 17 inch fairly new monitior(digital controls) on which the "on" light works but the screen doesnt light up. What should I be looking for instead of a fuse to try and rehabilitate this baby?
herb yavel

herb, herb, herb. CAN'T YOU FUCKING READ?

More from MolotovJo! Am I getting a groupie? That would be COOL!

I signed your guestbook. I wrote you some mail. I filled out something and you replied. Do I own you now? Are we married? Will my boyfriend mind? Will your wife? Does the age difference matter? Where are my glasses? Whats for dinner? Why didn't you call me? Who's this "Peter" fellow? Are you breaking up with me?
Where did you go to college? Did you go to college? Will you pay for my college?

Jesus, Im asking too many questions. I love you.

feelin' good, here. please send photo!

Chapter 23 in the continuing epic-

"People who (inexplicably) don't understand that my Tech Support section is a joke"

Diana McGinness entertains us with this entry:

My son has a Qualcom Airtouch Cellular phone which he accidently dropped. When he opened it up, he found a part broken inside - I will try to describe it... The inside of the phone is divided into two halves that are divided by a clear sheet of plastic. This part looks like a computer port connection and the part of it that was attached to the upper part of the phone snaps into a corresponding "port" in the lower portion of the phone. Can this be glued or does it need to be welded???? and, if so, do you do these repairs? And, if not, do you know where we can get these repairs done? Thanks!

good lord. i am at a loss for words, here.

"Kurt" spits back a response to Gallstone #18.

Re: Vegetarianism

This so-called "movement" makes me puke (meat of course!)! I've known and met various veg's and ovo-lacto vegans, and it's like the fuckin food nazi's - most of 'em are straightedge too, another totalitarian mind-control philosophy. They are people, some of whom are (or were) "friends", who would totally disrespect me if GOD FORBID I eat a burger or a steak. Washing it down with a beer is apparently grounds for death by having your eardrums battered with their crap. They claim to be "cruelty-free", but NOT ONE of these dicks I've ever met has done SHIT for HUMAN suffering, so I suppose cruelty only applies to animals. NOT ONLY THAT, but these culinary goose-steppers don't beleive in freedom; if you don't have their same beliefs, you're WRONG, end of story. I used to play in various local punk/noise bands, and the SJ/Philly scene was/is full of these folks. I really don't care what the fuck THEY think, just don't think for me or diss me 'cause you don't agree. When I was playing shows, I had to deal with these types all the time, and it was just a joke. A local band (Limecell iI think) even took to pelting the audience with White Castle burgers, just to piss off the veg's. My stance was and is: Do what you want, but DON'T TELL ME what to do! Anyway your guestbook is full of these waterheads - keep on beating 'em down. To them I say "Fuck all ya'll!"

better go check the guestbook, here.

debbie inexplicably incriminates herself in full view of the entire world-

What do you think of the idea of putting poison ivy oil on the keys of my boss'keyboard. She is a woman also, and just maybe she can carry it to the lady's room and transport it even further if you understand what I am saying.

I understand perfectly. And now, so do a lot of other people.

A passionate response to Gallstone #21-
As usual, you are FUCKIN' A RIGHT! The shitstorm that's been whipped up around this kid is criminal - an actual crime, as you so astutely pointed out. The US has NO right to detain a citizen of a foreign country, esp. a minor AGAINST his parent's wishes. This kid is simply a pawn in an asinine power play between the dumbfucks in Washington and the Cuban gov't. The very idea that we should grant IMMEDIATE CITIZENSHIP to an ILLEGAL ALIEN is absurd. I personally think we should CLOSE THE BORDERS to immigration (except to working people with jobs set up, similar to Austrialia, who immigrate through proper channels) until we can take care of OUR OWN CITIZENS. It's a sad joke indeed to let more and more people into the country only to swell the number of useless citizens that live off the income of working people via Welfare, etc. Anyone who immigrates here and is not a working, tax-paying citizen within ONE YEAR should be deported right back where they came from, in my humble opinion. Anyway, this Elian (does that make him an ILLEGAL ELIAN???) has gotten on my last fucking nerve as well, to the point I don't want ANY media feed anymore. Him and Jonbenet Ramsey - don't EVEN get me started on THAT total clusterfuck.

Foaming at the mouth,
Harriet Haxton offers some morbid insights into the world of terrier-owners-

I was directed to your site for the roadkill section (if you ever see middle-aged women scooping up roadkill into plastic bags, they probably own Jack Russell Terriers and are saving it in their freezers for use in lure coursing) but it was so entertaining I had to tell my friends about it.

So you are now responsible for killing at least 1 hour of corporate time in at least 3 states. Are you proud of yourself?

More than I can say.

Stay tuned! More to come...


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