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X Magazine #11

X Magazine #11. Half-Power. August 1993.

"It is better to write for yourself and not have a public than to write for the public and not have a self." -- Cyril Connelly

"Real guns are intended to kill ... this is intended as a toy." -- Michigan State Senator Gil DiNello, NRA member, after introducing a bill banning "Super Soaker" squirt guns (Detroit Free Press)

"X survived for nearly three years, and ended with its seventh number...though optimistic about our prospects - after all, as someone remarked, we had won our first backer with nothing but a nimbus and a swift tongue - wherever we tried we drew a blank; and to tell the truth, we did not try very hard. If our efforts were lukewarm, it was not because we felt the job we had set out to do with X was anything like accomplished; it was because neither of us felt we could stand much more of the stress and pressure to which we were subjected ..." -- David Wright on X, a literary review (1959-1962) (An Anthology from X)

"Yes ... fuck off!" -- Annie Lennox, asked if she had anything to say to men who fantasized about her (Details)

"It was safer for us to get hit with a hunk of nutra-loaf than something hot in the face, and much easier to clean up." -- Lt. Michael Anderson, describing the benefits of an all-in-one-meal served to volatile prisoners (Detroit Free Press)

"We're putting the family jewels, Lotus 1-2-3, on CD-ROM, and that sends a real message to the whole industry." -- Steve Barlow, Lotus (Fortune 93jun29)

"Has the ship come in from Delos, upon the arrival of which I will die?" -- Socrates

"Math class is tough." -- Mattel's Teen Talk Barbie

"Is this what you want TV teaching your children? Two teenage girls decide to 'do it' with each other to see if a girl would be better than a boy. The message to millions of young impressionable teenage girls was that they should try lesbianism. Afterward, one confesses her 'love' for the other. KSL-TV dropped one series after it featured a nurse humming 'Killing Me Softly' during euthanasia while a man danced with his wife's corpse and another featured a young woman achieving a climax by herself in the back seat of her car. (Picket Fences 1/22, 4/29) A 30 minute program promoting masturbation. Every scene, every conversation, focused on masturbation. (Seinfield (sic) 4/29) Arnie proposes a threesome with Nancy and Marla, or begs he at least be allowed to watch Nancy and Marla have sex. (Roseanne 4/20) A college freshman has sex with a woman twice his age on the college library floor. (Class of '96 3/2) A scene depicted bestality with a sexual encounter between a dog and a man involving mouth to mouth contact. (Saturday Night Live 5/9)" -- extracted from Donald E. Wildmon's "WE ARE FED UP!", Detroit Free Press/Detroit News full-page advertisement, comics section, 93jul11

"My understanding is that these (raves) have no spiritual, philosophical, or religious connection." -- Lt. Mike Ferguson, Sonoma County (CA) Sheriff's Department

"I was too far ahead. Nobody was interested. I was a very lonely person." -- Stanford Ovshinsky, inventor of the chaos-based Ovonic Battery

"We wanted to capture a unique vibe that couldn't be done with our clothes on." -- Butch "Butch" Walker of SouthGang on making their new rock album, Group Therapy (Charisma Records), completely in the nude (press release)

"What do you put in the middle of two hours of coverage on the bombing of Baghdad, for instance? Can you go to a Roseanne show after that?" -- Robert Iger of ABC entertainment, January 1991 (Detroit Free Press)

"Nick Bell has designed a typeface called 'Psycho.' The printed version of Psycho bears no relation to the words you see on screen. Instead it leaves stab wounds by randomly accessing a cutlery drawer." -- Emigre #22

It's got a lot of good points to it. Though, right now, they're hard to see." -- Rich Allen, resident of West Alton, Montana speaking about his town during a flood

"As we get set to address a new millennium, science and technology are becoming the new weapons of change, and who better to arm you for the future battle than BILLY IDOL." -- Chrysalis press release for Cyberpunk

"No, I look like a Rex." -- Several Industrial Light & Magic animators creating special effects for Jurassic Park, arguing over who walked most like a dinosaur (via Steve Williams of ILM)

This device may not provide satisfactory face seal with certain physical characteristics (such as beards or gross sideburns), as outlined in ANSI z88.2-1969, resulting in leakage in connection with the facepiece, which voids or limits the protection; if such a condition exists, the user assumes all risks of death or serious bodily injury which may possibly result.

I am a luscious shortbread ring, freshly baked from an original Scandinavian recipe. I am ever so light and delicate, yet so rich in butter flavor. Enjoy my delicious taste - irrirestible!

Please contact a USAir Express crewmember if you are not able to read, speak, or understand English, or are unable to understand the graphic directions or crew commands.

Warning: do not attempt to hang from towel or insert your head into the towel loop. Failure to follow these simple instructions could be harmful or injurious.

The Magic Wand contains the most powerful magnet known to man, and can be used for numerous other purposes in addition to the operation of the Rocking Crazy Duck.

Products bearing the RED CROSS trademark have no connection whatever with the American National Red Cross. -- Johnson & Johnson Sterile Pad

One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet. -- Connection Machine Reference Manual

Life insurance does not cover suicide during the first six (6) months of coverage (except in MD or MO).


Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers. -- SGI Indigo Owners Manual

CANDY IS DELICIOUS FOOD, EAT SOME EVERY DAY. -- Lemonheads box-top propaganda

The TaterTwister(R) pays for itself with the money it saves.

Warning: use of this device does not enable wearer to fly. -- Superman Halloween costume

Do not change the fan belt while the engine is running. -- Top Cog(tm) fan belts

Warning: pastry filling may be hot when heated. -- Pop Tarts(tm)

Do not operate vehicle with screen in place.

NOTE: May be too intense for children.

Caution: do not lick radiator sealant lid.

Warning: do not use while sleeping. -- blow-dryer warning

It's cool ... it's great ... it's rad! -- L.A. Looks shampoo before package re-design

Many Festival Happy Firework Names: Magic Barrage, Garden in Spring, Giant Cuckoo Fountain, Wild Geese, Cuckoo Cuckoo, Sky Garden, Electric Illusion, Hissing Cobra, Fountain with Thunderclaps, Green Heaven, Red Ground, All Red Crackers, Killer Bee Missile, Shake Quake, Tiger Fury, Dragon Dancing with Phoenix, Cosmic Eruption, Mighty Shower, Colorful Plates, Fireworks Friendship, Jr. Cuckoo, Toot and Twirl, Golden Shower, Texas Sky Climber, Autumn Drizzle, Crackling de Light, Twitter Glitter, News Transmitter, Small Festive Balls, Spring Greeting, Plane Flying at Night, Bombing Plane With Report, Painted Galaxy, Typhoon Rocky, Jumbo Carnival, Royal Flush, Singing Devils, Clustering Cicada, Victory Celebration, Big Snow, Yellow Bees, Mount Flowers in Full Bloom, Aerial Crossfire, Celestial Splender, Whistling Moon Traveller with Report and Color, Sonic Jack, Plane Drops Parachute by Night, Killer Bee Missile, Sound of City, Friendship Pagoda, Happy Lamp, Festival Happiness, Happiness Fountain, Opening Flower and Happy Bird, Happy Fireworks, Happy News in Sky, Happiness.

The Pie Stands Alone: "What does it mean, "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry?" Are these just nonsence (sic) words or is there a hidden meaning? Have you puzzled over the words in verse 3 of American Pie, "and while the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown." Do you know of a king who wore a crown of thorns? In other verses of American Pie we sang about, "the king's widowed bride." (Jesus Christ's widowed bride?) In other verses, "the book of love" (The Bible?), sacred music, church bells, Satan, faith in God above, and in the last verse, "the three men I admire the most, Father, Son and Holy Ghost." So, Bye Bye, Miss America Pie: The "Miss" signifies America's unmarried condition. The "pie" refers to America being divided among the heathen like so many pieces of a pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee: There are many kinds of "levees." Most contain water, some contain oil. This symbolic levee contained oil. He drove his Chevy to the oil levee, But the levee was dry. He drove his Chevy to the Gas Station (sic), but there was no gas. This song came out about a year before America's first energy crisis. There was a second energy crisis in 1979. The chorus is repeated seven times indicating that there will be a total of seven energy crises. Now, do you believe in Rock and Roll? Can music save your mortal soul? The song asks, is there salvation in the Humanist religion symbolized by "rock and roll"? Which will save your soul, Humanism with its heathen/pagan practices. Or can Christianity save you? The listener is offered a choice, the way of life represented by sacred music or the way of life represented by rock and roll music? Well, I know that you're in love with him: In this verse "you're" is Miss America. This verse symbolizes America's whoring after other gods. The "him" is a code word for "Satan" as reveled in verse five. As I watched him on the stage, my hands were clutched in fists of rage, no angel born in hell, could break that Satan's spell: The "him" on stage was Satan. Not "Satan," a spirit being, but rather ideas and ways of flesh and blood advisaries of Christian America. It is plain for all to see that today's America is in love with Satan (Abortion, drugs, pornography, drunkeness, lotteries, marital unfaithfulness and on and on). Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. You both kicked off your shoes: Miss America and "him" embraced each other with wild abandonment in the "gym." The "gym" is found in the school. What do we teach our children in public schools? The New Morality, Values Clarification, Death Education, "Sex" Education and other Satanic Humanist perversions. I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck with a pink carnation and a pick up truck: A "pink carnation and pick up truck" are word symbols for beings headed for destruction. A permissive sex life is symbolized in the words, "bronkin' buck." He knew that, with this life style, he could be headed for destruction." -- Selected verses of "American Pie" (Don MacLean, 1971) "analyzed" and force-fitted by Aryan Nations (1985).

We are Barney. You will be assimilated.

The only good thing about running Windows is that if you're not looking at the keyboard, you may end up typing "wub" instead.

Joan Lunden! I LOVE YOU!

"Hey Mark, do you know what my favorite disease is?"
"No, Paul."
"Well, it's scurvy, and I'll tell you why. Because no matter how far gone you are ... your gums could be falling out of your face, you're inches from death ... all you have to do is eat an orange, and you're okay."

What a rollicking good time it was to drag home the Yule log! They sang gay songs to the log and were happy, for the log flames would protect them. And everyone will be happy with a Yule log made of salami on the new, new, oh-so-good taste of oniony-good French Onion Thins(tm) (with Dromedary pimiento flames).

Atlanta 1996: If you thought Cobi(tm) was bad . . .

If a partial stranger asks you to buy lingerie for her birthday, is that impulse?

"Requesting clearance on Bay Two for 1990 Honda Civic, over" "Affirmative ... your first target is the oil pan, over" "Would you two GET BENT??!!"

Thanks to an ongoing effort by both the Detroit and Chicago branches of the Latin Counts, the Bullet Train R&D project is back on schedule!

More Exciting Actual Conversations With Stranger Folk
Me: "I'll have a cruller . . . and, uh, is there any custard?"
Cashier: "Nope."
Me: "No custard? (wringing hands in hopes of Public Laffs) DAMN!"
Previous customer: "That really chapped my ass, too."

He's got it
yeah baby he's got it
Well, I'm your Jesus,
I'm your savior -
watch your behavior.

The revolution will be televised. . . on pay-per-view. With card girls.

Learn how to avoid "Learn How To Avoid Modeling Scams Seminar" modeling scam seminar Sep 5, Troy Marriott, $75.

Anywhere anytime minimum wage USA: "I don't need a bag. I don't need a bag. Are you listening to me? I don't . . . "

HAITIAN ART SALE It's all gotta go! Prices slashed!

I can't see the forest. I can't see the trees. Even the well-manicured hedge eludes me. I am, however, fascinated by this small twig.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of Michigan, and the state for which it stands, two beautiful peninsulas united by a bridge of steel, where equal opportunity and justice to all is our ideal.

Today's Latin lesson: "Pinball machine" spaeriludium elecricum numismate actum

900 NUMBER CHAIN LETTER (1-900-CHAIN-LETTER): Call now! Listen to the important message and send away for the crucial letter. You then create your own 900 number, adding it to the bottom of the list. Send the list to ten of your friends. Soon, you'll receive calls from over 64,000 people!


VIRTUAL SNOW-SHOVELING: Now, all the excitement of strenuous exercise - right in your own living room!

The Ezra Pound Poem Release II v 1.0
Ezra's fleshy pink face
pressed against a subway window
leaves a greasy smear

"Mark, sing that woman song again!"
"Kay, Sarah, Sarah, whatever will be will be... "

"All about tripping!" There. Are you happy now?

TO REMOVE: Saturate tattoo with household rubbing alcohol or baby oil; wait 10 seconds, then rub away tattoo. NOTE: Do not apply to sensitive skin or near eyes. 3DO is a Trademark of the 3DO Company.

All right you kids...don't make me come up there!

Lawrence: Make that breathing sound again, you crazy bird you!

"All about flipping!" Are you happy now?

Situation wanted: I will pay a woman $50 to drive over me with "Bigfoot II." No freaks.


Consumer Electronics Show