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X Magazine #14

X Magazine #14. The Not Published Issue. Never 1995.

"...the post or support for the box should of neat design, of adequate strength and size, and must not be designed to represent effigies or caricatures that would tend to disparage or ridicule any person..." Extracted from "Post Office Requirements for Intsallations of Rural Mail Boxes"

"If you're an MTV fan, you like all the stuff that's on MTV. You like all the junk pop cultural stuff. That's how you know who you are and what to wear and what you're like. But there's another MTV viewer who says you don't need to tell me what's cool. Just put it in front of me." -- MTV President Judy McGrath on new videos-only spinoff channel M2 (NYT, 96jul08 pg D1)

"BASIC INSTRUCTIONS - Rotate body in circular motion against Hula Hoop(R). Hula Hoop can also be kept in motion by sideways action of body or forward and backward motion." -- Instructions for Wham-O Hula Hoop

Ester of wood rosin -- ingredient, Country Time Lemonade ("Jimmy, fetch your poppa a 2x4, this lemonade 'taint TART enough")

Medicinal Samples May Be Enclosed - Keep this and all drugs out of the reach of children -- bulk mail envelope

"God our Father, you led Abraham from his home and guarded him in all his wanderings. You guided him safely to the destination you had chosen for him. Be with us now as we travel. Be our safety every mile of the way. Make us attentive, cautious and concerned about our fellow travelers. Make our highways safe and keep us from all danger. Guide us to our destination for today and may it bring us one day closer to our final destination with you. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen." -- Sacred Heart Auto Club

"ITC Smack has an immediate, emotional hand-written appearance. Its raw, energetic qualities are arresting in all capital and upper and lowercase settings. Jill Bell's versatile typeface is a good choice for work targeted at Generation X." -- ITC's U&lc, winter 1995, on the typeface ITC Smack, a virtual copy of Ralph Steadman's script style

"The revolution will not be televised ... the revolution is about basketball and basketball is the truth." - Nike TV commercial 95oct29

The Sales Rep Stands Alone [page 3 start] (all go to stage)
SINGER: OH A PIRATES LIFE IS A / WONDERFUL LIFE / WITHOUT A CARE TO BEHOLD / YOU CARRY A GUN / AND A JUG OF RUM / AND YOUR POCKETS ARE LOADED / WITH GOLD / OH, YOUR POCKETS ARE LOADED WITH GOLD!
GOOFY: Yeah, your pockets are loaded with gold! Uh-huh-huh!
SALES REP: Hey fellas...what's going on here?
MICKEY: We searched high and low and we finally found the buried treasure!
GOOFY: Yep! That's right!
DONALD: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!
SALES REP: Well, what's in the trunk you guys?

[three pages later]

SINGER: WHEN YOUR NECK'S IN A NOOSE / AND YOU CAN'T GET LOOSE / FOR THE LIFE OF A PIRATE YOU'LL PAY / FOR THE LIFE OF A PIRATE YOU'LL PAY!
SINGER: All right matie (lassie) - here's the key to unlock the treasure - but be wary 'cause ya know we pirates are full of surprises!
GOOFY: Gosh, I love surprises!
DONALD: Me too! Me too!!
(Music -Tremelo)
(Winner unlocks chest and when it opens, confetti cannon shoots)
DONALD: Squawk! Squawk!
GOOFY: Woaa!
MICKEY: Wow!! Ha-ha! (All gather around trunk)
SINGER: Go ahead mate, the treasure's yours. Yer not scared are ya? Ha-ha. Cap'n Mickey - why don't you do the honors.
MICKEY: Oh, uh - all right!
(Mickey reaches in and pulls out a large envelope)
GOOFY: What is it Mick? What's it say?
MICKEY: Wow! It says: "He who opens this treasure chest shall receive a 5-day vacation for two at Walt Disney World's fabulous new Grand Floridian Beach Resort!"
MICKEY: Congratulations! Ha-ha!
GOOFY: Yea. Congratulations!
DONALD: Yipee!!!
SALES REP: You'll also receive round trip air transportation to Walt Disney World, compliments of Delta Airlines, and the use of National's Mini Van Family Plan! Congratulations!
(Characters put pirate hat on winner and shake hands, etc)
SINGER: OH A PIRATES LIFE IS A / WONDERFUL LIFE / WITHOUT A CARE TO BEHOLD / YOU CARRY A GUN / AND A JUG OF RUM / AND YOUR POCKETS ARE LOADED / WITH GOLD / OH, YOUR POCKETS ARE LOADED WITH GOLD!
(Confetti cannons shoot confetti and streamers)

So authentically detailed that even the emergency fire extinguisher has been replicated. -- Franklin Mint Precision Models: Richard Petty's custom-built stock car ad copy

One ball in any bowl wins live fish.

WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD - This toy is a Marble. -- Mega Marbles packaging

"I'm very mad. I need this permit, and it's raining out here, and I'm very upset. I blame Bill Clinton. He shouldn't have let this go this far. This is horrible. And my umbrella's broken." -- Sekayi Basir, waiting outside municipal building after it was closed due to budget legislation stand-off (95nov14 NYT)

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