2003sep11.

Food City (4).

Lately, in order to supplement my meager workday income, I've taken to channeling the disembodied voice of Baby Percy. He's got this Southern genteel thing going on but then he starts swearing. "I do believe my superior medicine will alleviate your problematic 'shits' immediately, indeed."

Burro con XXX.

Proud roosters. Pull these guys out, throw 'em in front of a black background, you've got some album cover there yessir.

Someone recently mentioned to me that this Jesus w/horn stuff comes from a mistranlation of crucial bible passage(s). I don't know, I left my copy in a motel room somewhere.

Doc just mentioned that it was Moses with the horn problem. The bible that has the mistranslation gifting Jesus with a horn is the one that I wrote a few years ago. "Lo, and Jesus had a horn, not Moses ... and everyone went out for ice cream. The end."

Valued Cardhouse reader Lizzy checks in:

Hey--I was looking at your Food City pictures, and I thought you might like to know that "Jesus with a Horn" is actually St. Jude of Thaddeus -- Jesus' relative, and the patron saint of lost causes. He has a flame on his head because he's one of the twelve apostles -- they had flames on their head after pentecost. Thought you might want to know.

I like the drawing to the left. The drawing of the woman with the sombrero suffers from poor execution and sort of gets lost at a distance. Great colors, though.

I have been using this product's name as a general affirmation.

"You want some more of this salad?"
"SPONCH!"

"Do you realize how fast you were going just now?"
"SPONNNNCH!!"

Obvious observation: Sponge + Crunch = Crunchy Sponge snack.

This is the last product in the United States to not feature an American flag or other patriotic symbols. Oh, wait, cancel that.

Psychotic Mascots #37. Collect them all. Let's zoom in on that ridiculously sad little drawing.

Ah. Well. Certainly worth the effort.

This is so marvelous, there are very few clueless designs like this left. A salute to the 1970's. I think there are garbage bags inside.

Cantinflas and friend. These things are about three feet high.

Sad Scooby-Doo piñata guards the hootch.

OH MY GOD IT'S TIME FOR THE FOOD CITY MAD MONEY SPRAY SPEED ROUND!!!!

This is the Genuine Nine Indian Million-Dollar Money House Blessing® Indian Spirit® Offering Spray can. This products is apparently a derivative of ritual house cleaning. In general, you would spray the magical contents of this can around your house and then, via scientific properties, you would find yourself awash in money. [Luckymojo.com has boatloads of info on this and many other items/traditions -- a "must see"]

The instructions don't really tell you how this stuff is supposed to work. The legal department has earned their keep. Though there is this warning: "Do not spray on people, animals, or food." HOLD STILL, JIMMY, I THINK THERE'S A QUARTER IN YOUR EAR [PSSSSSSSSHT]

But you may be asking yourself: Can I get a Money House Blessing® applicator in a cologne form? Then you're all like: In addition to that, how about a cologne that is somehow also water?

Yes. These things are possible.

You can also get a spray that will bring you the fabulous riches of gold and silver, but understandably, that is available as a separate product.

Do you love hippies? Then you'll love Aerosol de Amor, featuring that great hippie scent you've come to love when you visit Berkeley to record/book shop. Spray a little de Amor in your house and suddenly someone's rooting around in your fridge trying to find some goddamned tofu sprouts. Better keep a can of Aerosol de Amor Inverso around as well.

I don't know. Spray it and receive a visitation by religious iconography?

Now we are leaving Food City. The string of light bulbs make it look like we're on the giant Food City ship. Ahoy, mateys ... let's make sure the Cake Cones below decks are secured. Cup Cones. Cake Cups.

Almost forgot the lard, Cap'n.

And with the lard safely stored away, the good ship U.S.S. Food City sailed off into the night.