First, a friendly warning: I am not affiliated with Grocery Outlet in any fashion. Do not act as if I am a Grocery Outlet representative. Okay that was easy.
Grocery Outlet is the place you go to buy strange groceries from places you've never been or even from large supermarket chains in your distant home state that have travelled thousands of miles to expire on a pallet right in front of you and your stupid cart.
This place is like a slot machine, most of the time, depending on how you treat it. If you have your standard brands that you buy every time you go, that's good for you. But what I like to do is sample from the "random weirdo" column, stuff that shows up sporadically, some times only once. A mysterious pallet shows up, people swarm it, it's gone forever.
Lately, though, Grocery Outlet seems to be solidifying their inventory ... there are less random products now. Perhaps it's a cycle. I am not a grocery logistician. Sometimes I walk in, do my rounds, walk out. Sometimes I buy a dollar's worth of something. Sometimes a certain iced coffee is available at 50c a pop and I am wheeling out a cart full of cheap delicious caffeinated beverages while taking some baseline heart readings to prepare for the month ahead.
Side note: in 2006 Grocery Outlet made a play for the shuttered Lucky supermarket franchise by renaming one of their stores to "Lucky." Albertsons, owner of the disused trademark, claimed they were still using the name by pointing to a bunch of old Lucky shopping carts and putting the Lucky name on their website; the district/appeals court ate it up. Yes, remnants of a trademark indicates you will be using it in the future, case dismissed. Grocery Outlet, get out of here with your nonsense. If you have time, read the confusing history of Albertsons/Lucky etc. It makes me dizzy.
Let's look at the products now. C'mon! [FX: motions you to products]
Goldfish Colors [2018jul; 34c 2oz]
It is Goldfish crackers. I like Goldfish crackers. It's exactly the right size as well. I want all snacks to come in 2oz portions. [FX: exponentially increased packaging demand collapses capitalism] [FX: bows]
Sir Bananas(R) Monkey Mates(tm) Lowfat Milk with Real Bananas [2018jul; 50c 8oz]
The desire for a lively banana-based milk is strong. I'm not really sure what that should taste like. I have had several varieties of banana milk. This one is pretty good, it has that natural banana taste so it automatically leaps to the front of the bananamilk pack. It's a Tetrapak(R) with the standard two-stage semi-useless straw; I just pour everything into a mug after I remember to. 22g of sugar, way too high.
The Good Bean Cheesy Nacho Bean Chips with Sweet Potato & Quinoa [2018jul; 99c]
These are pretty good bean chips. Bean tortilla chips have their own structural identity that is very close to an actual tortilla chip. Still not sure what quinoa is, honestly, same with my spellchecker.
Nature's Bakery Peach Apricot Fig Bar [2018jul; 59c 28g x2]
The varieties I've had of this fig bar are very good -- reg'lar, lemon, blueberry, apple cinnamon, strawberry etc ... unfortunately there's only one Grocery Outlet I rarely go to that actually sells single servings, the rest sell ten packs only. I don't buy desserts in bulk. It is a bad idea. "Know thyself," as the famous statue bust once said. The brownie double chocolate is ridiculously rich w/flavor. Fuck the pomegranate one, though. Fuck it.
Marca El Pato Salsa De Jalapeno [2018apr; 50c].
Hello my friend. This royal duck sauce is important because each can tastes a little different. I like that. This is my standard salsa. I have purchased many, many cans. I get no complaints from the bridge club. We talk about bridges.
Secret Squirrel Premium Sweet Vietnamese Cold Brew Coffee [2018jun; $1.42ish]
Okay, I don't know what is Vietnamese or Secretese or Squirrelese about this coffee. It tastes like Regularese non-Squirrel/Secret coffee. Yes okay it's a reference to the poor 1960s cartoon everyone has forgotten about already ... or maybe even the founders have no idea there's a cartoon called "Secret Squirrel," who cares (helpful Wikipedia page: "Some people call him the James Bond of the rodent world" wait ... Paul Frees was Morocco Mole? TO THE UNNAMED VIDEO CLIP WEBSITE SEARCHMOBILE). In a 2010 Lilith Fair interview, international recording artist SIA said "I like the idea of being the 'secret squirrel.'" I think everyone has forgotten about Secret Squirrel. That's not such a bad thing. There are winners and losers in the pop culture collective memory race. Star Wars? Archaeologists will be picking officially Star Wars-branded hair trimming nanobots off the bodies of dead royalty in the year 3179. Secret Squirrel? "What, that was a show? No, that's just an expression. You know, like how squirrels are so fucking secret. Hiding nuts, dynamite, what-have-you."
I buy a rando brand of coffee from Grossout once every two months or so (unless Gevalia Flavored Iced Coffee tiny tetra-paks show up at 50c/ea, then it's "load up the cart" time which is how I learned that a good daily caffeine dose is 220mg) so you shouldn't read this review at all. Usually there's some sort of me-energy emergency that happens almost immediately afterward buying coffee and hey look who's got coffee. I'm not a coffee expert, I'm not going to be talking about bean sourcing or milk scolding or whatever. It's coffee. I avoid coffees that have sugar as the second ingredient (usually) and this one is "whole milk (RBST-free), filtered water, organic coffee, condensed milk (milk, sugar)." Points for RBST-free. Sugar is still a bit high for a tiny 12oz bottle at 16g. Nice packaging, but unfortunately Secret Squirrel was infected with the Point-Of-Sale Personality Virus: they've trademarked "Power Your Passion" (REGISTERED trademark) which is followed by blathering: "A COFFEE UNIQUE AS YOU. OUR CREAMY (creamy?) VIETNAMESE COFFEE HAS A DISTINCT STYLE ONLY SECOND TO YOURS. IT'S POWER FOR YOUR PASSION." I am creamier, I'm glad they acknowledged that. Oh it's not done. "WARNING: THIS DRINK MAY CAUSE YOU TO BREAK THE RULES -- AND WRITE YOUR OWN." Immediately after imbibing this squirreldrink, I disbanded capitalism and gave everyone their lives back. [FX: bows] Just like it said on the package. But CREAMIER. (Pure Steeps Beverage LLC Anaheim (ANAHEIM.) California) squirrelbrew.com. PASSION-POWERED RULE-BREAKING UPDATE: I also bought some of the "Chicory Coffee" flavor ("NEW ORLEANS STYLE") in November -- the price had gone up to just over two bucks and the size had gone down to 8oz. I liked the Vietnamese one better.
Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha [2018jul; $2.10 14oz]
I went back to Grossout to get another cute li'l bottle of Secret Squirrel two weeks later and they didn't have any but they did have some more heavily-sugared Starbucks products for two bucks. The problem with Starbucks is that it's not not Starbucks, but I'm also excited to feed this new, erratic coffee-based desire of mine. This didn't taste anything like "salted caramel." I'd talk about mocha notes but I don't think I'm qualified yet. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to me. I am, however, qualified to say 38g of sugar for a 14-ounce bottle is fucking nuts. Lately I've been missing red flags like that, because I'm going off the board and into new territories. But you have to take the good with the buttocks cleaved in twain if you want ADVENTURE [FX: ADVENTURE!]!
Starbucks Frappuccino Chilled Coffee Drink [2018jul; $2.10 13.7oz]
I don't think you can make a valid claim to be "chilled" if you're sitting on a shelf at room temperature and the instructions read "Chill, shake, serve."
"SERVED ON THE MOON!"I was first introduced to the Frappuccino brand while doing construction work in Arizona in 2004. One of the bosses would buy a bunch for the crew every few days or so, wind us up and watch us go. Then I never had it again for the most part, except during road trips when I didn't want to drive into a wall and happened to have a gift card from well-meaning co-workers back when people worked (seriously, why is all the street parking full all of the time now everywhere does everyone own four cars each). It is not coffee; it is a candy drink that is coincidentally lightly dusted with specks of coffee. FORTY SIX GRAMS OF SUGAR. Candydrink.
"Instructions: Go to moon. Serve."
Helados Mexico Paleta De Crema [2018jul; $1.00]
The Helados brand is strong and worthy. I usually get the Cookies & Cream, because they never have the right coconut one. There are two coconuts. "Coconut Water Fruit Paleta" and "Coconut Cream Paleta." I get the former, just two ingredients I think. I'll let you figure 'em out.
General Mills Girl Scout Thin Mint Cereal [2018aug; $1.50].
I watched the price on this go down, down, down. The box was so big. The sugars ... only 9g, and then the price hit $1.50. Okay. This cereal was now official my "assistant cereal," the sidekick to the usual hemp-based cereal I get at Trader Joe's. The power went out so I had an excuse to eat this for dinner. I opened the bag and it smelled EXACTLY like thin mints. But the taste was not there. Expiration date December 2018. There's 1% mint taste, and this middling/weak chocolate taste. After my first bite I just looked out into the hellscape my immediate community had turned into without electricity and thought: "what an amazing thing that could have been, a cereal that tasted like thin mints. Instead: this." Maybe that's what's missing from the world. A high-end chocolate cereal. Or maybe it can't be done. UPDATE: Now (November) it's selling for $1.00 a box.
According to the General Mills twitter feed: "The Vitamin D3 is sourced from lanolin, which is from sheep's wool." Hurrrrrghhhhhhhh
Koia Vanilla Bean Plant Powered Protein Drink [2018aug; $1.49 12oz].
I am a fan of futuredrinks, though I am not sure how healthy they are for me. I don't mean they're deleterious, I mean I have a sneaking suspicion most of them do nothing for you ... just flow in, flow out. This bottle is 12oz with "only 4g sugar" and, as usual, is overly-chatty/chummy. "SHAKE IT you gotta shake it like you mean it." It contains brown rice, peas, hemp, almonds, nutmeg, vanilla, etc. The taste is strange, but somewhat interesting. Sort of like Vruit. Anyone remember Vruit? Vegetable-fruit drink. Completely odd. "Wow, that was an avoidable experience." [FX: next time shopping] "Gotta get that nasty Vruit." [FX: a month passes] Now it's $2.49. That's odd. $1.50 is my experimental drink price ceiling.
Outsiders Pizza Company Something Something BBQ Recipe Pulled Pork + Bacon Bullshit Detroit-Style Pizza [2018sep; $3.99].
I kind of knew that the frozen Detroit-style pizza product wasn't going to get close to being a Detroit-style pizza but I wasn't expecting it to also fail at being a pizza. Grocery Outlet offered the Pulled Pork variety, I had the three-cheese variety purchased at your local US second-largest department store retailer. Do I need to explain Detroit-style pizza? I don't have the time, here's a link to Detroit-style pizza. I have had Detroit-style Pizza from many, many places many, many times. Turns out a cardboard liner and frozen ingredients don't bridge the gap. The half that was leftover the next day tasted more interesting because it was more like a strange thick pudding. "Huh, ain't that a fucky." Like a broken-down car surprising you a week later by being something closer to a boat. Not what I wanted either day. They also claim to make a Milwaukee-style pizza. They are located in Ohio. Outsiders.
Sorbabes Gourmet Sorbet Coffee Almond Sorbet with Espresso Bark [2018sep; $0.33]
These are tiny little containers of sorbet and they are thirty-three cents each. You can't even buy a candy bar now for less than a dollar. I liked it, and also again thirty-three cents. It even has a little plastic spoon attached to the underside of the lid. These are nice people and I will invite them to the next garden party I host unless they turn out to be a division of a petroleum conglomerate or some such. I didn't even make an obvious "sore babes" joke, my therapist will be pleased at my progress. "You are empathizing with these theoretical babes by not implementing a hacky grammatical construct derived from an intentional misreading ... I'm so proud of you."
Rise Nitro Cold Brew Coffee (Black) [2018sep; $1.49]
Guh? Just really coffee coffee with this screamy undertone that I do not like, but I don't like coffee coffee in general. I have mentioned it before. It's like dark chocolate v. milk chocolate. My palate is a general underachiever. "COULD DO BETTER"
Penguin Baked Snack Crackers [2019mar; $1.50]
These are like those little addictive duck snack crackers they used to sell but now they're penguins and it's a different manufacturer. Same addictive qualities. Ate the bag in one shot. That's ... 720 calories right there, a hearty meal even if I hadn't paired it with a Poke Bowl from Trader Joe's. It's fun to buy this thing because no one knows what the price should be and it takes forever to find someone that can do an override. Weeks later, still with the pricing problems. I will take a photo of the price tag next time, BRILLS.
Peet's Vanilla Latte [2019mar; $1.99]
I am happy to make fun of "sugar bars" ("energy bars") and "dayglo fluid" ("sports/energy drinks") because all they do is throw some sugar into your system. But I realize my tiny coffee drinks are just the same. The less actual coffee I taste, the better. But there's a floor on that as well, and this Peet's thin can goes below it. The sugar is a bit too high at 16g for 8oz, and the coffee taste isn't really there. So of course I bought twenty cans. But I swear these are the last twenty cans. [FX: buys ten more] Seriously. [FX: six more] Yes. [FX: on sale for $1.50; eight more cans] Mmm.
[FX: cans cans cans]
Boulder Canyon Coconut Oil Mesquite Barbeque Classic Cut Kettle Cooked Gluten Free [2019may; $1.49]
The bag design for this is puzzling because the word "potato" nor the word "chip" is mentioned in type anywhere on the front of the bag. There are three MASSIVE potatoes -- they dwarf a small pine tree grove -- but no words indicating same. Still ate 'em. The word I used to describe them to the small stuffed penguin in the passenger seat watching me make quick work of the bag was "bright." In comparison with other oils, perhaps, coconut oil imparts a "bright" flavor to the chips. I ate the whole bag like it was a contest that I won and also placed 2nd and 3rd in. Clean sweep.
Smart Kaffi Icelandic Protein Coffee: Iced Mocha [2019may; $1.99]
Okay this is two dollars for eight ounces. There's a big clump of mocha in the bottle, you need to shake shake shake like crazy then the foam fills it up and you can't shake any more but the clump is still prevalent so you have to drink a little to make some room then continue going nuts like a paint shaker. I just pour all of it into a larger container. It only has 8g of sugar. Also it has a somewhat realistic non-anthropomorphic coffee bean (sort of looks like a coconut, actually) wearing a silver winged viking helmet and now you know why I bought it. 2019jun UPDATE: 99c. Cleared 'em out, almost.
Steve's Whoopie Pies & Sweet Cream Ice Cream [2019jun; $1.99]
This is a good ice cream w/no weird-ass ingredients. There's also a banana pudding one that I used to mainline. "A scoop-shop staple reimagined. Airy Whoopie pie chunks mixed into our vanilla sweet cream base for a new twist on cookies and cream that will leave you craving this new classic." Craving ... after I eat it? I will also be using the phrase "pie chunks" regularly until I start losing friends over it.
Coco Fuzion 100 Natural Sparkling Coconut Water Mango [2019jun; $0.50]
The mango is good, the lime is a pass.
2019jul. I had thought I had visited all the Grocery Outlets in this area, but I just found a double-size one close enough that it's now my local. Double-size means they have more room to leave the last few products of a pallet out, and it means they have more room for weird-o products, he said, hopefully.
Kohana Cold Brew Coffee Tahitian Vanilla [2019jul; $1.50]
My coffee roleplay situation has changed a little. Now, I can go actual days/weeks without coffee but I "choose" not to. Days, sure. Weeks? Only if there isn't some steep coffee discounts at one of the three Grossouts I check. I ran into an old friend, Secret Squirrel Premium Sweet Vietnamese Cold Brew Coffee, and it is still 12oz/16g sugar even though the New Orleans style was 8oz and I thought that was an adjustment across the whole product line. The pallet of Peet's Vanilla Latte is gone from two stores, and is left to about 30 cans at 99c at a third. Interesting observation: they never brought the price down at a second store selling the same product. $2.50 at one, $0.99 at another. It pays to shop around ... Grossout.
Kohana has a semi-odd taste that I will not be persuing in the futuretime. 13g sugars for a 8oz. can. "LOWER ACID." Mmmmm, but I like my coffee aciiiiiideeeeeeeeee. Additionally is there such a thing as "Tahitian" vanilla? The net is out right now. Every system in this house is either unstable or just randomly disappearing. Yesterday a truck drove into a power pole, taking out the whole neighborhood and about five traffic lights. Three days ago, flooding. For the last two weeks, half the internet was unavailable, today, all of it. That's progress.
Goldfish Epic Crunch Nacho Giant Bullshit Crackers [2019jul; $1.50]
I grabbed a bag of these thinking they were regular-sized Goldfish. They are much larger, and the taste is not worth re-examining. Of course I finished the bag. You really have to do wrong for me to throw food out. I have mentioned this.
Tony's Chocolony (various) [2019jul; $1.99]
I was semi-excited about the new-to-me Grocery Outlet so I went and bought all the varieties of Tony's Chocolony available. There's at least one more flavor they didn't have. They were all just grand, from the reports of frenz. I was only interested in one of the bars since that was a "dark milk chocolate" which sounds like "Tahitian Vanilla" but okay.
Koia Keto Cake Batter Plant Powered Protein Drink [2019jul; $1.49]
I have no interest in keto. I thought everyone decided to avoid that. I can't check, the net is down. Anyway, I didn't notice the cake batter designation until I had finished it. "Cake batter? Ha ha ha haha," I laughed the laugh of a laugher. As with the other Koia drink I tried awhile ago, this one had a weird taste that was like a solid "B" in the "random weird tastes that you can't associate with anything even including, say, just off the top of my head, cake batter." I'd get it again. 3g sugars for 12oz. It has funny ingredients like "gellan gum" (that sounds like a space freighter in a futuristic space opera), monk fruit extract, and "Koia proprietary protein blend (brown rice protein, pea protein and chickpea protein)." Good thing they didn't indicate what their secret blend consists of. Spies are out there, trying to figure this fake cake batter keto pea plant powered protein drink thing out.
Carr's Entertainment Cracker Collection [2019jul; $1.49]
Giant cracker assortment from Carr's, the brand Trader Joe's sells under their own name. I've had five of six of the varieties and they're all amazing winners, especially the "Wheat Cracker" which has a "hearty base for indulging in a soft goat or blue cheese." Every time I tried a new variety I thought "oh this is going to be middling" but it was not middling and I was surprised, because: cracker. The sixth one is probably ass, I'm just getting those assy looks from it. I didn't follow the directions for any of the crackers and I just went with some Trader Joe's Part Skim Milk Mozzarella. Additionally these crackers "are made with the finest ingredients and have been carefully selected to complement your entertaining spread." Wait, there's more? I have more spread? And, to put a hat on a hat, "carefully selected"? A lot of sweating going on at Carr's HQ, I'm sure. "Better not ... fuck this up ... again ..."
2019jul22. Meanwhile, the net is still down. Even my anti-virus is getting confused. "Why ... why can't I update? There's still a net out there, isn't there?" No I am sorry my child. We fucked up big time, it was quite a show. Now it's just you and me and expired canned food and bears in the 7-11 and no updating. Don't get me wrong, there are most likely other people that survived, but they're probably gone as completely mad as I have and we wouldn't be good playmates. Now hop on my back, it's time to burn some more mansions! It's the little things. You carve out a space.
This of course reminds me of "The Last Man On Earth" which irritated me to no end. "Wow, they get to play with this ... so many episodes with a guy by himself after some earth-exploding event. Neat." And they couldn't even get to the MIDDLE OF EPISODE ONE before someone ELSE shows up. Granted, it was Kristen Schaal, but still. It's IN THE TITLE. DO THE THING IN THE TITLE. I had to quit it right there. You made a promise to me, "The Last Man On Earth" show. And the bean counters made you break your promise, or you didn't care enough to send the very best. Either/or.
Rau Cold Brew Mocha Super Caco Elixir [2019aug; $2.49]
"An optimal utility for everyday use, rau super caco elixirs strive to evoke and elevate the radiant potential in all of us." Or ... and hear me out on this one ... it's a drink. Your call. Six grams of sugar, which is one of the lowest I've seen for any sweetened tiny bottle coffee product. The ones that have less usually are just "coffee, water" and I've already described how I'm a big sugary baby RE the hard stuff both with chocolate and coffee. Additionally on the front label it reads "mind + body + bliss" and there's a ... leaf? With a lightning bolt going through it? It reminds one of icons from Zapf Dingbats you never use. Still waiting for the mind/bliss parts. There's more bloviating on the side panel but we're done here. Sure okay, I'll buy it again but I will avert my eyes from all the newage bullshittery ("clean energy" ok i'll stop).
Koia "Keto" Caramel Crème Plant Powered Protein Drink [2019aug; $1.99]
The quote marks are represented by little leaves which are also at the top front of the bottle with a little floaty sticker that reads "'only 5g' net carbs" so that's not confusing at all, graphic designer person. Is it 5g? Is it? If you use the leaves as fleurons, you can't use them as quotes and vice-versa. Right, the drinking. This one is a little more gross than the cake batter one, if that's possible. I'd give it a pass. I think I need to stop with the stupid drinks. I mean the cake batter one wasn't bad, but it's fucking CAKE BATTER. But we are zooming into a total stupid future, what with cake batter vodka and the like. Right, I told some friends about cake batter vodka (which I saw at Grossout, STAYING EN POINTE HERE) and they looked at me like I was crazier. "No really." But now I can't find cake batter vodka. I did find brownie batter vodka, and ... many, MANY cake cake vodkas.
This is just five minutes of searching. Wait ... is that Pearl vodka ... the same typeface as Pearl drums? [FX: lqqks] No. Pearl drums logo chunkier, betterer. Though I do like the little pearl. "I am what I say I am. Pearl. That's me!" [FX: glugging while weeping uncontrollably in dark corner of wedding reception]
THE FIRST ANNUAL CAKE VODKA PACKAGING AWARDS
Best Pearl: Pearl Cake Vodka
Best Logo: Pearl Cake Vodka Even Though It's Not As Good As Pearl Drums
Best Eye-Grabber: Pinnacle Cake Vodka
Best At Being The Ugliest Cake Vodka Bottle Cake Vodka: Vince 'N' Theo Cake Vodka
Best Doesn't Look Like Cake Vodka Cake Vodka: UV Cake Cake Vodka
Best Wrong I've Overdressed For A Party That I Am Attending Where I Will Hate 93.7% Of The People Cake Vodka: Epic Cake Vodka
Best Piss-Weak Logo Cake Vodka: Smirnoff Cake Vodka (right)
Best Who Fucking Put Powdery Blue And White Bands On A Cake Vodka Bottle And Colored The Liquid Piss Yellow Cake Vodka: Desiree Cake Vodka
Best Overall Cake Vodka Package: -no winner- [SFX: distant cat hiss]
Back to the non-cake vodka "Keto" drink. "Join our community & show the world how plants power you" fuck off now
2019aug15. I have discovered the weakness of the double-size Grossout; they only have four refrigerated cases for drinks. It's an unspeakable tragedy. Now I have to stop at two Grossouts each time. Compare and contrast. Plot and plan. Logistics.
Califa Black Gold Mocha Cold Brew Coffee [2019aug; $1.49]
This cold brew variant has 8g of sugar, which is my ideal limit for sugar from these tiny bottles of coffee. One teaspoon of actual sugar is about 4.9 grams, just to give you an idea of how much sugar that is that will never leave your head.
2019aug17. Welp, here we go again or continue endlessly with the drink thing. But while I was stacking up all of the following drinks in my arms, I had an idea. What if ... grocery stores put baskets in the middle/at the far end of their stores? Instead of stacking them in some out-of-the-way place behind one of the cashier stands. Just a thought. I have seven of them.
Rau Super Caco Elixir Coconut MCT [2019aug; $2.49] I guess we all know what MCT is now, because they certainly don't mention it on the bottle, even though the dense wads of horse's ass marketing speak on this thing is approaching Dr. Bronner territory in sheer wordcount. What appears to be the introductory side panel starts out:
rauBecause we're picking near random words to represent our products now, apparently. Then it goes on for a few more paragraphs. Here, I came up with another catchy whatever the fuck that was.
----------
RADIANT
ANCIENT
UTILITY
rauInvoice is in the mail. It's okay, it has 6g of sugars (in the form of coconut palm sugar which is CERTAINLY more tropical than sugar-based sugar sugar) which is a nice low amount. Also oooooh himalayan pink salt. Have you seen himalayan pink salt? It's PINK. [FX: gets out the salmonfan]
----------
REPELLENT
LOGORRHEA
PLATFORM
Silk Oat Yeah Chocolate [2019aug; $2.49]
Secret Squirrel Cold Brew Coffee Premium Smooth Black Coffee [2019aug; $1.49]
Oat Yeah has a chocolate taste to it but it doesn't have that full-fat milk sitting on your tongue flavor to it. Because it's oats. Drinkin' oats over here. Squirrel, it's black coffee. Ingredients: filtered water, organic coffee. Nothing new there. So what I did was put the two together, to see if I could make an iced coffee supergroup. The answer is no. It was okay. [FX: Silk Oat Yeah mascot kicks small rock into sewer drain] "Oat yeeaahhhhhhh. Hrm."
Koia "Keto" Chocolate Brownie Plant Powered Protein Drink [2019aug; $1.99] I have reviewed three of these drinks already, and I don't feel like I have any more observations to make. This is another one to skip for me, so I'm left with only cake batter. This drink has the same amount of sugar, three grams, less than a teaspoon. It has a chocolatey taste to it (cocoa powder) but then there's this other thing (Koia proprietary protein blend) and it reminds me of all the fake milk ice cream products of the early 2000s like Turtle Mountain III: Deadly Ice Revenge. Whatever the case, it is imperative that you know this drink is "TOTALLY ketogenic." When I was younger I always wondered what it was like in the previous century with all the snake oil sellers. Be careful what you wish for. Wait ... 270 calories in 12oz. Wow. Coconut milk is ingredient #1, that must be it, I guess.
Farmhouse Culture Smoked Jalapeno Kraut Krisps [2019aug; $0.50] The front of this bag reads "2 BILLION PROBIOTICS CULTURES PER SERVING" with "PROBIOTICS" in big-ass chunky blocky baseball letters. When's the last time a product promised you two billion of something? Never, don't lie to me. This Jalapeno is crazy hot. I honestly used El Pato Jalapeno "duck sauce" to cut the heat down to a reasonable measure. I made jalapenos fight jalapenos. The chips by themselves are too damn hot. And they don't really ... taste like anything. It was sort of approaching, toying with the idea of, eating hot-flavored cardboard. Maybe that's why they were fifty cents for a bag of 5oz. Also, burying the lead here: SAUERKRAUT TORTILLA CHIPS. "Why put sauerkraut in a chip: Because in addition to being wildly delicious OUR KRAUT is packed with PROBIOTICS! [...] we've added a plant-based probiot strain that safely: SUPPORTS DIGESTIVE HEALTH." That's not WHY you put sauerkraut in a chip because then you ALSO added probiotics. You have HIDDEN the reason you put sauerkraut in a chip. Why is this chip valued at only fifty cents? Because it was placed in a discount grocery store and offered at that price point. Haha, I can be just like you! "[...] we're here to ferment a food revolution!" Shut UP / 2019dec UPDATE: You would not believe how much I love the sauerkraut variety of these chips. When they are available, I throw six or eight bags into my cart, and tell myself not to get "too crazy" with it. Insanely addictive straight out of the bag.
Farmhouse Culture Sea Salt Kraut Krisps [2019aug; $0.50] 2 BILLION PROBIOTICS CULTURES PER SERVING etc etc. I like the flavor of these "krisps" much more than the smoked jalapeno. Sort of addicting. 9% sodium. "Tasty hardworking snacks." No. They are located in Watsonville, CA, which is where all the artichokes are. I stopped into an artichoke cafe in Watsonville that had a giant artichoke you could buddy up to and take photos with. I wanted to get some artichoke pie that I had read about in a The New York Times article from 1987. They said they had not served artichoke pie in a good long while. So I ate my non-artichoke cafe items. 2019sep: I tried the Dill Pickle. It is also good. I have several billion probiotic cultures swimming around in my transcendent belly.
Jimmy's Cookies Chocolate Chunk Paleo Cookies [2019aug; $1.99] Big plastic tub. Come on with the plastic. No one needs plastic anything anymore, I thus decree. I also thought we all agreed to not persue a paleo diet. I mean, unless you want to be healthy as cavepeople were. Cough. Pro tip: they were healthy because they exercised all the damn time running around chasing spry food, not because of some ancient hardier genes etc. Tie these cookies to your muffler, have your friend drive around a bit. These cookies are very moist and I'm not sure why. Almond flour? Ghee? It's confusing. Most store-bought cookies are bricks. Are these good cookies? Yes. Are they, most importantly, paleo? I guess so. "No Grains!" Sugars 6g for one cookie. I don't know if that's higher or lower than an average brick cookie.
Eat Like A Woman Love Chocolate Brownie Customized Women's Nutrition Bar [2019oct; 50c?].
Yes, it's time for me to eat like a woman. Here I go. Though apparently, according to the thin, small type below the logo, it's "MADE FOR A WOMAN / BUT MEN LOVE THEM TOO!" It tastes like a brownie would taste if you used ingredients like chicory root, honey, and stevia leaf extract. Whoa, the stevia's kicking in ... [FX: smashes through window, saves resultant video on drugtube.com] This bar is very thin and leaves a semi-annoying aftertaste. It is a B- minus brownie taste, but the bar is so thin you are not fooled for one second. They have a photo of two squares of real chocolate brownies and some of those little chocolate doots, what are they called, Turnpike Chocolate Chips or something, on the package to help put you in the right frame of mind. "Huh, could have had those instead."
Cold Brew High Brew Coffee Sparkling Midnight Mocha [2019oct; $0.99]
When I first imbibed this tall-ass can I had missed the "sparkling" citric acid warning several times from Grossout to my desk. My reaction follows. "AHHHHHHHH WHAT AHHHHH I'M GONNA DIE AHHHHHHHH" Because no one wants or expects their coffee to be "sparkling." I don't understand the five million tidal waves of awful products we've had the last twenty years. So now I have this bullshit can of what-the-fuck. I just took another sip. You're all fired and jailed. I am throwing this away. I almost never do this, but here we are. America's race-to-garbage business model owes me just shy of a dollar, at least.
Que Pasa Organic Thin & Crispy Tortilla Chips NACHO [2019nov; $1.99]
"Unlike most other chips, which use highly processed corn flour, Que Pasa tortilla chips are crafted from whole kernel corn ..." Whole corn ground with VOLCANIC STONES FROM MEXICO. "To see our chips being made go to quepasafoods.com." I want to see my chips being made. Number them. These are too thin, even though that's what they're supposed to be. I haven't had a salsa collapse yet, but it just feels like it's imminent. Looking beyond thinness, these are not interesting chips, they seemed stale even though "best before" date is January 2020. That might be why they're being sold at Grossout for $2.00, some sort of humidity problem or the like at the factory ... but still.
Barissimo Organic Unsweetened Mocha Cold Brew Coffee [2019nov]
First 0g sugar coffee I've liked ever, I think. Of course it's because mocha. I am on track to quit coffee entirely by January 2nd of 2020. Unless there are little bottles of Gevalia Caramel Iced Coffee (looks like they don't make the 11.1oz tetra-paks anymore, actually) or Kaffi Icelandic Protein Coffee, then it's load up the cart time.
HyVee Multigrain Pita Chips Sea Salt [2019dec]
These are bland as you can possibly make a chip-like product, it seems. I used the El Pato jalapeno sauce again and it didn't help that much. Avoid.