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I get anywhere from 0-3 robocalls a day, because some asshole left my number instead of her own with 10+ car dealerships when test-driving new SUVs. The program(s) these robots are using believe that the incoming number should be EXTREMELY local, so that the prefix (first three numbers) is the same as mine.

I'm very tempted to block the entire 10000-number list of all the numbers with the same prefix, but there's no automatic way to do that.

I'm sure that's going to be an option on a smartphone in 2097 or so.

2017nov30.

#OUTCLAMMED!

2017nov19.

Cashbox, November 20 1948. My favorite sub-heading of all time for many reasons. Abbreviating "equipment" in the middle of of a sub-head without any sense of restraint, the presence of the word "stymie," the earnest reporter digging up ENEMIES OF SHUFFLEBOARD, etc. Now the entirety of shuffleboard as a concept occupies that tiny space in your memory devoted to seeing an Armstrong(R) Standard Shuffleboard Flooring Insert Kit on the floor of the rec center when you were ten years old.

2017nov17.

Saw a video the other day that was centered around a taste-test of a clear pumpkin pie. I didn't actually watch the video, I saw the thumbnail. I tend to avoid online videos because 90% of them seem to be comprised of n white dudes who would have been obnoxious coke-addled DJs if computer technology hadn't come along to save them.

I think this pumpkin pie heralds a future innovation no one is talking about: clear skin. See-through. You take a pill, a day later you can see inside you.

I'd do it, being able to self-monitor your organs overrides any sort of negative consequences, like other people being able to see your organs.

2017nov14.

Message sent to friends:

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MY PAIN IS YOUR GAIN
Tiny Target Jr is giving out gift bags today because I don't know why even though at least two of the products make reference to the school year? It's November? I don't want:

+ Justin's Almond Butter
+ One small stick of Trident gum (come on Trident)
+ Ibuprofen PM 80 caplets (compare to active ingredients in Advil(R) PM Caplets)
+ Dentek Triple Clean Floss Picks (3)
+ Pantene Hair Spray (1 oz)
+ Hask Argan Oil (from Morocco(R)) "Repairing Deep Conditioner" (1.75 oz)
+ St. Ives Apricot Scrub (1 oz)
+ Acure Foam Cleansing Gel (1 fl. oz.)
+ Herbal Essences bio:renew argan oil (FROM MOROCCO AGAIN!(R)) (1.4 fl. oz.)
+ Coupon for One (1) FREE Sparkling Ice(R)
+ Not The Candy I Took The Candy
+ Axe Daily Fragrance PHOENIX PROJECT 2000 (1 oz.)
+ Axe Body Wash PHOENIX PROJECT 2000 (3 fl. oz.)
+ Also I took the two "Acroball PURE WHITE" pens even though they're "BLACK ADVANCED INK" (it's like ink but it's more)
+ Target-branded Target Bag From Target

so if you want then that
HOT TRENZ: ARGAN OIL; MOROCCO
hahahaa "Mrs. Thinster's Cookie Thins Chocolate Chip"
"best by 9/21/17"
I'm UNLOCKING THE SECRETS OF THE GIFT BAG

it's like i go into stores w/this glazed-over post-capitalist zombie look and they smell fear now
"No ... TAKE THIS EXPIRED GIFT BAG"

if i die arrest mrs. thinster
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2017nov09.

I have secured a location in the bay area for my meatself and am in the process of moving to it over the next week or so. It's accompanied by a general sort of endless nauseous feeling, because it's clear I hit the apogee of my bay area living experience years ago. I can't keep up with all the exciting rocket-like innovations in pricing with this area, so instead of waiting for dotbombv2.0 to wave off the hordes of Uhaul trucks clogging up East 580, I'll be the one leaving. A year, two years. Find some cheap property, cram a cabin into a hillside, grow a long beard, get off my land, die. Dude still owes me five bucks, I'm taking this hammer and the big Faile book.

2017oct23.

Auction: TOY 1946 ROCK COLLECTION NEW YORK PENNSYLVANIA IN CIGAR BOX ROBERT BURNS SEGARS

2017oct20.

Jack Confectionery Co., Ltd. Silver Cream.

2017sep22.

Hi hello! The building I live in changed owners and the new owners are giving us all 30 days to pack up and leave starting now. I myself am looking for a housemate-type situation in the bay area of California. I do not have pets, nor do I smoke, nor do I have smoking pets. If you have any leads, please contact me at [do not contact me now] ...

2017sep13.

1963 series of space-themed trading cards issued by Topps. On the front, photos provided courtesy of NASA. On the back, images of frighteningly-realistic space situations that came at you in a newly-developed "third dimensional" technology. How do the bug creatures of Venus handle the extreme atmospheric pressure? Hardy exoskeletons, of course.

2017sep09.

Radio Shack Eulogy Stories by Jon Bois (What football will look like in the future)

2017sep03.

Art sometimes surprises us with what a huge load of shit it can be. The Venn diagram for this is empty now, but wait until all of those street art lovers turn 60. Just wait.

Could this be farther from street art? Neon / mirror / collectible plate. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PROCESS

Now if he had gone and glued all the plates to an alley wall, then, mayb ‒ no. Still no.

Here is another big fat surprise ... the art at the artist's Pure Evil Gallery is crammed with the top end of dead pop culture icons tweaked a tiny bit. But that's actually what 30% of street art is now. What if Mickey Mouse had a gun. What if Cinderella had a gun. What if Elvis looked like he was crying but not really because that does not look like tears. Dig deeper, maybe, or even ... draw ... something ... yourself.

2017sep02.

Australasian Confectioner and Soda Fountain Journal July 1930.

2017sep01.

2017aug23.

A look now at some of the TOTALLY EXTREME PRODUCTS registered under the X-TREMELY creative trademark name "X-Treme":

X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 034. US 002 008 009 017. G & S: CIGAR CUTTERS, CIGAR CARRYING CASES, AND HUMIDORS. FIRST USE: 20081031. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20081031

X-TREME IC 020. US 002 013 022 025 032 050. G & S: Polyester resin anchor for use in rock stabilization. FIRST USE: 20120625. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20120625

X-TREME (CANCELLED) IC 017. US 001 005 012 013 035 050. G & S: Plastic film, web or sheet material for agricultural and horticultural applications; plastic film for mulching

X-TREME IC 012. US 019 021 023 031 035 044. G & S: MANUALLY OPERATED NON-MOTORIZED AGRICULTURAL GRAIN CARTS FOR TRANSPORTING AND DUMPING GRAIN FOR FARM RELATED USE ONLY AND NOT ON RAILROADS. FIRST USE: 20090901. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20100524

X-TREME IC 016. US 002 005 022 023 029 037 038 050. G & S: Garbage bags of plastic. FIRST USE: 20090713. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20090713

X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 028. US 022 023 038 050. G & S: non-metal, water-tight containers for outdoor recreational use. FIRST USE: 20060430. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20060501

X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 009. US 021 023 026 036 038. G & S: Protection equipment to prevent falls, namely, harnesses, belts, vests, anchorage ropes, energy absorbers and special protection stilts

X-TREME (ABANDONED) IC 010. US 026 039 044. G & S: Catheters; Medical guidewires

[SFX: GUITAR WHEEDLY] TOTALLY ... X-TREME!!!!!!!

2017aug22.

2017aug19.

The store that used to sell the Chocoballs and then did not sell Chocoballs is now selling Chocoballs at HALF OFF because they're clearing the decks for new Chocoballs or they're just getting rid of Chocoballs. So I bought ten packs and got z-e-r-0 angels which means my dream of a can of toys is dying in front of me much like a dying toy can dream but at least I got a $50 parking ticket. When one door closes on your face, another opens on your face. As solace, I will make a t-shirt with the Chocoball mascot and the can of toys and a big "WANT" above it. Yes. Working on that ... now.

2017aug15.

To wrap up the last month of Cardhouse-On-Cardhouse coverage, please take a look at our disappointing child safety score. We apologize to all of our child viewers. The hordes. Of children. Children would you like to buy a fidget spinner. It has a cigarette lighter. Children.

2017aug11.

Fidget spinner cigarette lighter. Still looking for a fidget spinner AM radio egg timer. If you see one, let me know in the comments section below.

2017aug10.

The Soothing Sounds Of Alcatraz

2017aug08.