Letters

The Evolution of Vanity Dear Book Review Editor: You have been sent a book titled, THE EVOLUTION OF CREATION that Vantage Press Inc. has undertook to publish for me. While reading my copy I discovered a few mistakes and literary bloopers, an example is the use of the word (understand) instead of (understanding). This blooper is found in the last paragraph of page XI of the Foreword. This mistake makes the entire passage senseless and could give a bad impression of the entire work. There are a few other silly errors in the book which will be corrected in future printings. I hope that you found the contents of my book interesting and feel that it should sell very well. I know that it will, and because of this it is possible that mistakes of the first limited printing will makes these books unique and could enhance their value as collectors' items. I am the type of person who; when given a lemon likes to make lemonade with it. I think that this character trait in (sic) evident in my writing. If you should decide to order, promote and or sell this book, please remind VANTAGE PRESS of their sloppy work and order books free from mistakes. Of course, you may want a few more books with the errors as an investment for the future. I am positive that my explanation of the ENTIRE PHENOMENON will be well received and will become one of the best-ever sellers. I wish YOU all the BEST. Have a GOOD LIFE. ENJOY! Sincerely, Leo J. Tetreault "Leo's Ditching Ltd." Gainford, Alberta Leo: We didn't get Evolution of Creation, but we did get a book titled Things Called Miracles. Maybe those bastards at Vantage really screwed YOUR book up ($$$)? Suburbia Debris NOTICE REFLECTIVE HOME ADDRESSES WILL BE PAINTED ON THE CURBS ALONG YOUR STREET TOMORROW. YOUR HOME TO BE INCLUDED ONLY WITH YOUR PERMISSION. This service is provided to assure you that in an emergency Police, Fire Depts, and Ambulance services can reach your home with a minimum amount of delay. Homes that are not adequately numbered can possibly cost lives. In most cases, existing home addresses are extremely difficult to read or see at night. Your address painted on the curb with a reflective background, however, will provide your home with an easy to read REFLECTIVE home address that will insure prompt emergency services if you should ever need them. Please Select One ___ One side of driveway $5.00 ___ Both sides of driveway $8.00 The fire department? "Are you sure that's the house? I mean, it's on fire and all, but..." "Look! Over yonder! The reflective home address!" "TURN ON THE HOSES!" Pah! Dear Mark: How wonderful to receive your warm missive. Most magazines wouldn't even deign to give we fledgling writers a personal response. Not you. You get personal. It has been a long time since we last corresponded. I take you to task for daring to suggest that I don't recall being published in your illustrious magazine. In fact, I challenge you to a duel [I choose the Nerf Arrowstorm - Ed.]. How could I ever forget? Well, enough of this dithering. Let me tell you about the reality based humor that I have to propose to you: 1) Jimmy Carter helped patch up my marriage by building a house in my backyard for me to live in when my wife and I aren't getting along. 2) My interview with an avid walker who now refuses to hike in the early mornings because he has stumbled upon no less than five dead bodies that had been murdered the night before. 3) A first-hand account of a nearby rock-n-roll band that was so loud they were suddenly surrounded and lynched by a bunch of old guys smoking cigars and wearing porkpie hats. 4) My interview with a guy who cooks bacon by slinging the meat strips over a boombox and playing Robert Fripp music real loud. 5) My proposal to make Baby Talk an accredited second language at American universities, thereby giving mothers returning to school an instant foreign language credit. 6) My ardently-researched list of money-saving tips, such as calling people long-distance at home when you know that they are at work and saving the dough when they have to make the long distance call later that evening. These are all true stories. Very realistic. May God hold you and yours in the palm of his hand. Shalom, and may the road rise up to greet you. Mark Morelli Mark Morelli publishes Pah! a wonderful newsletter. To receive it, send "some stamps" to Mark Morelli / 702 Mae Street / Kent OH 44240. It's inflatable! Dear Sir or Ms: Enclosed find information introducing "THE CAR JOHN," a pocket-size portable urinal. It's a practical sanitary means to receive and contain urine in emergency situations. Every glove compartment should have one. Almost every man at one time or another has found himself in need of a men's room while driving. Add to this predicament: an unfamiliar or potentially dangerous neighborhood, a large residential area, or a crowded expressway, perhaps bad weather and not having the time or inclination to go out of the way to search for a rest room. "THE CAR JOHN" was designed to solve these problems. Of course, "THE CAR JOHN" can be used outside the car. With a "privacy cover" (a newspaper, coat etc.) it can be used almost anywhere. Naturally one would seek out a secluded area such as a telephone booth [or a restroom - Ed.]. "THE CAR JOHN" is designed, (patent pend) to be: practical, sanitary, easy to use, safe and inexpensive. Your cost would be $7.20 a dozen. Hoping you find "THE CAR JOHN" of interest, I am looking forward to doing business with you. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Brice Belisle Brooklyn NY "TURN ON THE HOSES!" Inappropriate Dear Sony Reseller: Nuclear weapons have historically been a sensitive issue in Japan. Consequently, many Japanese companies, including Sony Corporation, Japan, are understandably careful that their products not be used in nuclear weapons applications. Sony Electronics Inc., formerly Sony Corporation of America, shares this concern. Although we believe it would be inappropriate to use our product distribution system to promote this viewpoint. We would, however, ask that you be sensitive to the issue and that you not knowingly resell Sony products for use in nuclear weapons applications, even if that application seems relatively benign, e.g., monitors in a facility or location associated with nuclear weapons systems. Yours truly, Thomas H. Landgraf Vice-President Distribution Sony Business and Professional Group

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