Apgar and Mark
by Mike McCauley
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Picture this scene. You've just given birth (Ooh! Ouch!). You're lying on the ole' table of joy, strapped in for safety. You go to look at your newly born youngin', and you notice the doctor is slapping your kid!
"Hey doc," you may exclaim in distress, "you're hitting my kid! YOU'RE HITTING MY KID!" It is his job, part of it anyway. He's hitting that kid for a reason. Yes, it's a portion of the time-tested, mother-approved APGAR TEST. The test was developed as a quick way to rate the newborn. It's a five-step scoring system that anyone can do; you don't even need a degree! Step One: HEART RATE. Take a good listen to the youngin's heartbeat. If it's greater than 100 bpm, then the child scores a two. His heart be workin'. Less than 100 bpm (not very danceable) but greater than zero scores a one. He's ticking, but not as well as he could be. On the off chance that there is no heartbeat, junior scores a zero. Step Dos: LUNGS. Hit the kid like you don't even know him. A loud cry of distress rates a perfect two, a weak whimper a one, and a total lack of interest chalks up an even zero. Step Trois: MUSCLES. Most babies enter the world kicking away. If this is the case with your test baby, he's earned a two. Let's say the little dude is flexing a little. Give that guy a one. What's that? He's as limp as a sock full of soggy Fritos? Zero-rama! Step Four: CIRCULATION. Happy, healthy blood flow will produce a neato pink coloring in the skin of the palms. The pinker the hand, the freer the blood. Score two for pink, one for blue, and zilch for a radical-pasty pale. Last Step: REFLEX. Don't bother grabbing the little rubber hammer for this one. Nab the sucker's foot and stimulate it like mad with your favorite two fingers. A two is earned by junior if he yaulps in protest. ("Yeow, man! That's too weird! STOP!") Ones are given if he does little more than grimace ("Woah, I felt something. Dude."). No response, no points - you can't win if you don't play! Using your addition scores, add up the points. Apgar scores of zero to three mean that baby isn't going to grow up and become a starting quarterback; chances are baby won't grow up. Ratings between four and six indicate that he is 'mildly depressed.' He's not the healthiest of kids, but with a combination of modern medicine and health insurance he'll turn out fine. Anything above six is grand. The kid has no immediate concern, and is mighty healthy. While typing this, I secretly used the Apgar test on Mark, the art director. Although he was confused by my actions, he scored a perfect ten (In hospitals, the doctor would never give a rating higher than 9.5. Accidents happen, and it's hard to explain why a kid who got a ten suddenly "broke"). Way to go, Mark! Woo!
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