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X Magazine #11 We are Barney. You will be assimilated. The only good thing about running Windows is that if you're not looking at the keyboard, you may end up typing "wub" instead. Joan Lunden! I LOVE YOU! "Hey Mark, do you know what my favorite disease is?" "No, Paul." "Well, it's scurvy, and I'll tell you why. Because no matter how far gone you are...your gums could be falling out of your face, you're inches from death...all you have to do is eat an orange, and you're okay." "Wow." What a rollicking good time it was to drag home the Yule log! They sang gay songs to the log and were happy, for the log flames would protect them. And everyone will be happy with a Yule log made of salami on the new, new, oh-so-good taste of oniony-good French Onion Thins(tm) (with Dromedary pimiento flames). Atlanta 1996: If you thought Cobi(tm) was bad . . . If a partial stranger asks you to buy lingerie for her birthday, is that impulse? "Requesting clearance on Bay Two for 1990 Honda Civic, over" "Affirmative . . . your first target is the oil pan, over" "Would you two GET BENT??!!" Thanks to an ongoing effort by both the Detroit and Chicago branches of the Latin Counts, the Bullet Train R&D project is back on schedule! More Exciting Actual Conversations With Stranger Folk Me: "I'll have a cruller . . . and, uh, is there any custard?" Cashier: "Nope." Me: "No custard? (wringing hands in hopes of Public Laffs) DAMN!" Previous customer: "That really chapped my ass, too." WAHHOOOO! He's got it yeah baby he's got it Well, I'm your Jesus, I'm your savior - watch your behavior. The revolution will be televised. . . on pay-per-view. With card girls. Learn how to avoid "Learn How To Avoid Modeling Scams Seminar" modeling scam seminar Sep 5, Troy Marriott, $75. Anywhere anytime minimum wage USA: "I don't need a bag. I don't need a bag. Are you listening to me? I don't . . . " HAITIAN ART SALE It's all gotta go! Prices slashed! I can't see the forest. I can't see the trees. Even the well-manicured hedge eludes me. I am, however, fascinated by this small twig. I pledge allegiance to the flag of Michigan, and the state for which it stands, two beautiful peninsulas united by a bridge of steel, where equal opportunity and justice to all is our ideal. Today's Latin lesson: "Pinball machine" spaeriludium elecricum numismate actum 900 NUMBER CHAIN LETTER (1-900-CHAIN-LETTER): Call now! Listen to the important message and send away for the crucial letter. You then create your own 900 number, adding it to the bottom of the list. Send the list to ten of your friends. Soon, you'll receive calls from over 64,000 people! VIRTUAL TWISTER: Now, you can step on ANYTHING YOU WANT. VIRTUAL SNOW-SHOVELING: Now, all the excitement of strenuous exercise - right in your own living room! The Ezra Pound Poem Release II v 1.0 Ezra's fleshy pink face pressed against a subway window leaves a greasy smear "Mark, sing that woman song again!" "Kay, Sarah, Sarah, whatever will be will be... " "All about tripping!" There. Are you happy now? TO REMOVE: Saturate tattoo with household rubbing alcohol or baby oil; wait 10 seconds, then rub away tattoo. NOTE: Do not apply to sensitive skin or near eyes. 3DO is a Trademark of the 3DO Company. All right you kids...don't make me come up there! Lawrence: Make that breathing sound again, you crazy bird you! "All about flipping!" Are you happy now? Situation wanted: I will pay a woman $50 to drive over me with "Bigfoot II." No freaks. X Magazine #7 NORMAL 105 Scent 2000: Experience the Adventure! Goose: Gunshot say: Keep Stirring! Come to France: The land of unfinished scaffolding disguised as art. It's not what you say, but the money you pay. If I thought it was mine, I wouldn't have eaten it. Dave: If you aren't going to wash the dishes, could you at least throw them away? You know that with proper marketing, you can sell anything. Well, everything except democratic presidential candidates, it seems. If I wasn't a carp, I think I'd like to be a carpet. Or a carpool, whichever. Darla: You have Bette Davis thighs. Schnauzers with poodles, terriers and geese, these are a few of my favorite crossbreeds. Wanted: 600+ lawn flamingos and dwarves. Must have hourly rates. When in doubt, aim for vital organ grinder, or his monkey. To my advisor: You are special. Not everyone can have a tie that ugly. Why was it so chewy? It was Naugahyde(tm). Consider the phrase, "live autopsy." We asked the wire spools, "would you like to see our validated parking ticket?" But the spools said nothing. We turned to the empty air-conditioning crates... Fiddler on the roof? But I just met her! To Drew in Chicago: bet you didn't expect to see YOUR name here. Ha. VERY STRANGE 125 Moo 'n' oink, m-m-m-m-moo 'n' oink AVOIDING VEGETABLES 200 This artichoke of mine - it's already past its prime. Can you see the pumpkin? Do you want it to see you? Then don't cut eyes in it. Either that, or only cut eyes with cataracts. TO: CATS/KITTENS 235 Charlie: Get your muddy feet off my car you furry sack of shit! Laz Edsel: we all miss you. Ivo, you are the world's best fluff-kitty. Love, mommie. NOT QUITE STUPID ENOUGH 260 This is your brain on drugs with a slice of bacon and a fried egg . . . hey, wait a minute, that really IS your brain on drugs! LAWN JARTS 280 Lawn Jarts. Many colors, sizes, prices. Guaranteed safe for teens, small chilhey don't throw that at mowwwwwww oh oh arrrrrrrgh owwwwwww aieeeeeee Sonya sez: Green lawn jarts are the best. Do me, baby! TO: SIGNIFICANT OTHERS 285 I want to rut with you like a rampant wildebeest. If you don't love me, can I at least have a ham sandwich? BOWLING 301 Bowling is related to things. Pins, wonderful pins, beautiful pins. Make-up! Bowling is something. REMBERANCES OF BOWLING 302 "I practice the art of zen bowling: 'To bowl by not bowling.' I have found that I do consistently better at the game when I clear my mind and just throw the ball. If a pin falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Thinking is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs." -Scott "Nothing cures a headache better than a good ten frames." -Steve "Bowling is too complicated for amoebae." -Mike "I'm not doing Worship the Bowling Shoes." -Ray "When my average gets too low, a few games of bumper bowling seems to kick it right back up." -Mark "My favorite part of bowling is the delightful smell of brand new bowling apparel and equipment. New bowling lanes also smell really neat also." -Brian TOY CONCERNS 303 I'm going to score some green dads! "So I passed on the castle, it was pretty mangled, no horse, no dragon. But I picked up a 'medical dad' from the Children's Hospital for two cents, nothing else was there . . . the kid was looking at me like I was crazy." "He got that right." "Hey, were the Viewmasters 3D?" [laughter] "Oh...ohhhh...I'm putting that in." BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES 370 Profit from the gullibility and naivete of others. Send $50 for special TOP SECRET plans! NOT EVEN POETRY 380 You Igneous Wench When you are gone, my life contracts. Give me an explanation. I dig thee with a strong pick-axe. Return my excavations. -Bobzombie FOREIGN LANGUAGES 395 Gomme pour papier et film, borrador para papel y folios. Radier fur Papier und Folie. Ole! Maison que de plaisic avec cette jolie maison qui s'ouvre. La porte du garage se souleve, la sonnette tinte et la porte de la maison s'ouvre. Toutes les pieces se rangent a l'interieur. Poginee de transport. SUCH A DEAL 410 Not Wanted: My wife, Ethel, or my oldest son "Killer." Willing to trade straight accross for '74 Dodge Dart or one pair size 12 cowboy boots. No sequins. TINY BOOK REVIEW COLUMN YEAH 510 Today, we review This'll Kill Ya, a perky little tome written by Harry Willson, and put out by those nuts over in III Publishing. Topical fiction concerning the contents of a book on censorship. The characters are one-dimensional, the plot is a tape loop, the ending, well, it ends. I crossed out the last chapter and wrote my own in which everyone dies. "A lyrical, haunting masterpiece." - C. H. Draft MESSAGES WITH "Q" IN 'EM 550 Quality Qanned Qualas Qan Quell Qemichal Quwaitish Quandries, if used in Quantity. IMPURE THOUGHTS 535 I've been thinking about thirty-something's Melanie Mayron far too much. TO A MEMBER OF THE APPROPRIATE SEX THAT YOU SAW SOMEWHERE AND DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY SOMETHING TO THEM OR MAYBE YOU JUST GOT DONE WORKING YOUR CAR OR GARDEN WHATEVER AND THUS WERE REALLY QUITE DIRTY WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE YOU ARE NOW TRYING TO CONTACT THEM VIA A MAGAZINE WE REALLY DOUBT THEY READ IF THEY WERE THAT ATTRACTIVE TO PROVOKE SUCH AN ACTION FROM YOU BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T SURPRISE US ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU READ THIS MAGAZINE AND SO IN SUMMATION: FAT CHANCE 565 I don't pick my nose like that usually, it was just really dry and dusty that day.

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