Allmud
Each magazine's quotes, disclaimers, found text, comedy bits that wouldn't fit elsewhere, random goo, etc.
Compiled by the staff of Cardhouse and people like you! I mean, people really do like you!
X Magazine #12"It's funny because it's TRUE!" -- The SimpsonsStop your intention -- Coast guard code for letter "S" "Drivers, green light to go!" -- Walt Disney World Grand Prix Raceway "Please make a note of it" -- New phone number recording "You know, for kids!" -- Hudddsucker Proxy Remix video final -- Product packaging, Frankie Goes to Hollywood videotape (Japan) For your own circus -- Packaging, Barnum's Animal Crackers We acknowledge: labor-saving devices -- Total suckwad Age of Chance Mecca album with kick-ass thank you list Please have money ready -- Hot'N'Now drive-up window sign A new level of injection comfort -- over-the-counter hypodermic needle advertisement Beat Pop Now -- Japanese audiotape compilation "I think the scariest possibility is that thirty years from now people will still be listening to classic rock from the '60s. When is that shit going to go away?" -- William Gibson (Details) "I LOVE TO PARTY, especially with my homeys, my good friends. My idea of a great party is staying up all night, listening to music, dancing, with everyone having a good time and no fighting." -- Robert "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle, Ice by Ice "I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YA - I NEED A BEER" -- homeless person cardboard signage, downtown Phoenix AZ "Deer Hunter's Widow offers the deer hunter/sportsman a diverse melodic range of deer hunting songs from the whimsical ... sometimes controversial ... to the reflective . . . Checkerboard Records/CEMI dedicates Deer Hunter's Widow to all the women who, late each autumn, are left to their own devices during the lonely deer hunting season ..." -- Press release, Deer Hunter's Widow, by Brown Trout and the Lunkers "PULL UP! PULL UP! PULL UP! DON'T THINK! DON'T THINK! DON'T THINK!" -- automatic low-altitude cockpit announcement, Boeing 737 series 300 "We've got this -- what is it -- Buffcoat and Beaver or Beaver and something else -- I haven't seen it, I don't watch it, but whatever it is, it was at 7 -- Buffcoat -- and they put it on now at 10:30". -- Senator Ernest Hollings to Janet Reno, on new child-safe time slot for "Beavis and Butthead" "How DARE you on 'Entertainment Tonight' show a woman in leather chains whipping the bare bottom of a man bound to a torture rack. How DARE you at CBS plan a prime-time mini-series where two brothers SHOTGUN THEIR PARENTS TO DEATH. How DARE you at MTV entice youth with your music and then show them 29 VIOLENT IMAGES AN HOUR." -- extracted from a full page advertisement entitled "WE ARE OUTRAGED!", Donald E. Wildmon's anti-TV-violence-save-them-childrens goon squad, which once again appeared in the Detroit Free Press/News comics section "After that, the runway ended and the plane jumped up into the air, and I think it broke in half and started to burn. A wing fell off, and a panic broke out, which is usual in such situations." -- Marcin Bronikowski, passenger, Lufthansa flight 2904 "We...we did, if, the, I, I, the stories are just as they have been said. They're outrageous and they're not so." -- Bill Clinton, confronted on a radio talk show with allegations of marital infidelity "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, those I date, my future mate, and my future children to be sexually pure until the day I enter a covenant marriage relationship." -- True Love Waits campaign, Nashville Baptist Sunday School Board (1-800-LUV-WAIT) "Eat lead, Cobra!" -- one of over 300 Teen Talk Barbies whose sound chips had been swapped with Talking Duke G.I. Joes by the Manhattan-based Barbie Liberation Organization, and then returned to store shelves to be repurchased by unsuspecting consumers (none have been returned) "Coming up next: Kurt Cobain and his family, lying on the floor, dead." -- a confused and/or tipsy Robin Leach on the TV Food Network (94apr16) USE REAL SUGAR If you know what's good for you -- sugar packet threat WARNING -- This carton has been sealed with pilfer-proof tape; If this seal is broken check contents before acceptance. Trust the Gorton's fisherman. DANGER: Trainmen not allowed on top or side of cars. This candy container is also a cute little toy. -- Hello Kitty candy thing It's REAL CHICKEN! Washable, flexible, reusable. Straps on easily. ALPO Cat Food has been carefully formulated to provide your cat with the nutritional equivalent of a seven-course meal. Round and ribbed, the flesh is a rich orange and fine grained, and the skin is bright orange. If the seed in this packet fails to grow a great-tasting vegetable, we will refund the price on the packet. Unsulphured--mild flavor. -- Grandma's Molasses The "Surprise" Natural Flavor -- Grandma's Molasses The undersigned hereby certifies and represents to the Sellers and the State of Indiana that the following items purchased shall not be used or sold in any unlawful manner. The undersigned stated that the merchandise obtained is purchased under one or more of the following conditions: That any fireworks purchased shall not be sold nor used in any manner inconsistent with the laws of the State of Indiana; That he intends to ship the items directly out of the State of Indiana within five (5) days of the date of purchase and agrees to use these items in conformity with the laws of the state of destination; That the items purchased are to be used by railroad or other transportation agencies for signal purposes or illumination; That the items purchased are to be sold for signal or ceremonial purposes in athletic or sporting events; That the items purchased are to used by military organizations; The items purchased are to be used in the practice of religious beliefs and/or during the course of any religious ceremony; Said items purchased are to be used for agricultural purposes as set forth in 68 Stat., 171.93; The items purchased are to be used in as an expression of an idea, thought, or speech of the Purchaser. -- Purchaser's agreement, Indiana Fireworks Distributors Association X Magazine #11"It was safer for us to get hit with a hunk of nutra-loaf than something hot in the face, and much easier to clean up." -- Lt. Michael Anderson, describing the benefits of an all-in-one-meal served to volatile prisoners (Detroit Free Press)"We're putting the family jewels, Lotus 1-2-3, on CD-ROM, and that sends a real message to the whole industry." -- Steve Barlow, Lotus (Fortune 93jun29) "Has the ship come in from Delos, upon the arrival of which I will die?" -- Socrates "Math class is tough." -- Mattel's Teen Talk Barbie "Is this what you want TV teaching your children? Two teenage girls decide to 'do it' with each other to see if a girl would be better than a boy. The message to millions of young impressionable teenage girls was that they should try lesbianism. Afterward, one confesses her 'love' for the other. KSL-TV dropped one series after it featured a nurse humming 'Killing Me Softly' during euthanasia while a man danced with his wife's corpse and another featured a young woman achieving a climax by herself in the back seat of her car. (Picket Fences 1/22, 4/29) A 30 minute program promoting masturbation. Every scene, every conversation, focused on masturbation. (Seinfield (sic) 4/29) Arnie proposes a threesome with Nancy and Marla, or begs he at least be allowed to watch Nancy and Marla have sex. (Roseanne 4/20) A college freshman has sex with a woman twice his age on the college library floor. (Class of '96 3/2) A scene depicted bestality with a sexual encounter between a dog and a man involving mouth to mouth contact. (Saturday Night Live 5/9)" -- extracted from Donald E. Wildmon's "WE ARE FED UP!", Detroit Free Press/Detroit News full-page advertisement, comics section, 93jul11 "My understanding is that these (raves) have no spiritual, philosophical, or religious connection." -- Lt. Mike Ferguson, Sonoma County (CA) Sheriff's Department "I was too far ahead. Nobody was interested. I was a very lonely person." -- Stanford Ovshinsky, inventor of the chaos-based Ovonic Battery "We wanted to capture a unique vibe that couldn't be done with our clothes on." -- Butch "Butch" Walker of SouthGang on making their new rock album, Group Therapy (Charisma Records), completely in the nude (press release) "What do you put in the middle of two hours of coverage on the bombing of Baghdad, for instance? Can you go to a Roseanne show after that?" -- Robert Iger of ABC entertainment, January 1991 (Detroit Free Press) "Nick Bell has designed a typeface called 'Psycho'. The printed version of Psycho bears no relation to the words you see on screen. Instead it leaves stab wounds by randomly accessing a cutlery drawer." -- Emigre #22 It's got a lot of good points to it. Though, right now, they're hard to see." -- Rich Allen, resident of West Alton, Montana speaking about his town during a flood "As we get set to address a new millennium, science and technology are becoming the new weapons of change, and who better to arm you for the future battle than BILLY IDOL." -- Chrysalis press release for Cyberpunk "No, I look like a Rex." -- Several Industrial Light & Magic animators creating special effects for Jurassic Park, arguing over who walked most like a dinosaur (via Steve Williams of ILM) This device may not provide satisfactory face seal with certain physical characteristics (such as beards or gross sideburns), as outlined in ANSI z88.2-1969, resulting in leakage in connection with the facepiece, which voids or limits the protection; if such a condition exists, the user assumes all risks of death or serious bodily injury which may possibly result. I am a luscious shortbread ring, freshly baked from an original Scandinavian recipe. I am ever so light and delicate, yet so rich in butter flavor. Enjoy my delicious taste - irrirestible! Please contact a USAir Express crewmember if you are not able to read, speak, or understand English, or are unable to understand the graphic directions or crew commands. Warning: do not attempt to hang from towel or insert your head into the towel loop. Failure to follow these simple instructions could be harmful or injurious. The Magic Wand contains the most powerful magnet known to man, and can be used for numerous other purposes in addition to the operation of the Rocking Crazy Duck. Products bearing the RED CROSS trademark have no connection whatever with the American National Red Cross. -- Johnson & Johnson Sterile Pad One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet. -- Connection Machine Reference Manual Life insurance does not cover suicide during the first six (6) months of coverage (except in MD or MO). YOU HAVE JUST PURCHASED A MOST INTERESTING SCIENTIFIC GIFT! -- Rocking Crazy Duck toy Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers. -- SGI Indigo Owners Manual CANDY IS DELICIOUS FOOD, EAT SOME EVERY DAY. -- Lemonheads box-top propaganda The TaterTwister(R) pays for itself with the money it saves. Warning: use of this device does not enable wearer to fly. -- Superman Halloween costume Do not change the fan belt while the engine is running. -- Top Cog(tm) fan belts Warning: pastry filling may be hot when heated. -- Pop Tarts(tm) Do not operate vehicle with screen in place. NOTE: May be too intense for children. Caution: do not lick radiator sealant lid. Warning: do not use while sleeping. -- blow-dryer warning It's cool...it's great...it's rad! -- L.A. Looks shampoo before package re-design Many Festival Happy Firework Names: Magic Barrage, Garden in Spring, Giant Cuckoo Fountain, Wild Geese, Cuckoo Cuckoo, Sky Garden, Electric Illusion, Hissing Cobra, Fountain with Thunderclaps, Green Heaven, Red Ground, All Red Crackers, Killer Bee Missile, Shake Quake, Tiger Fury, Dragon Dancing with Phoenix, Cosmic Eruption, Mighty Shower, Colorful Plates, Fireworks Friendship, Jr. Cuckoo, Toot and Twirl, Golden Shower, Texas Sky Climber, Autumn Drizzle, Crackling de Light, Twitter Glitter, News Transmitter, Small Festive Balls, Spring Greeting, Plane Flying at Night, Bombing Plane With Report, Painted Galaxy, Typhoon Rocky, Jumbo Carnival, Royal Flush, Singing Devils, Clustering Cicada, Victory Celebration, Big Snow, Yellow Bees, Mount Flowers in Full Bloom, Aerial Crossfire, Celestial Splender, Whistling Moon Traveller with Report and Color, Sonic Jack, Plane Drops Parachute by Night, Killer Bee Missile, Sound of City, Friendship Pagoda, Happy Lamp, Festival Happiness, Happiness Fountain, Opening Flower and Happy Bird, Happy Fireworks, Happy News in Sky, Happiness. The Pie Stands Alone: "What does it mean, "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry?" Are these just nonsence (sic) words or is there a hidden meaning? Have you puzzled over the words in verse 3 of American Pie, "and while the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown." Do you know of a king who wore a crown of thorns? In other verses of American Pie we sang about, "the king's widowed bride." (Jesus Christ's widowed bride?) In other verses, "the book of love" (The Bible?), sacred music, church bells, Satan, faith in God above, and in the last verse, "the three men I admire the most, Father, Son and Holy Ghost." So, Bye Bye, Miss America Pie: The "Miss" signifies America's unmarried condition. The "pie" refers to America being divided among the heathen like so many pieces of a pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee: There are many kinds of "levees." Most contain water, some contain oil. This symbolic levee contained oil. He drove his Chevy to the oil levee, But the levee was dry. He drove his Chevy to the Gas Station (sic), but there was no gas. This song came out about a year before America's first energy crisis. There was a second energy crisis in 1979. The chorus is repeated seven times indicating that there will be a total of seven energy crises. Now, do you believe in Rock and Roll? Can music save your mortal soul? The song asks, is there salvation in the Humanist religion symbolized by "rock and roll"? Which will save your soul, Humanism with its heathen/pagan practices. Or can Christianity save you? The listener is offered a choice, the way of life represented by sacred music or the way of life represented by rock and roll music? Well, I know that you're in love with him: In this verse "you're" is Miss America. This verse symbolizes America's whoring after other gods. The "him" is a code word for "Satan" as reveled in verse five. As I watched him on the stage, my hands were clutched in fists of rage, no angel born in hell, could break that Satan's spell: The "him" on stage was Satan. Not "Satan," a spirit being, but rather ideas and ways of flesh and blood advisaries of Christian America. It is plain for all to see that today's America is in love with Satan (Abortion, drugs, pornography, drunkeness, lotteries, marital unfaithfulness and on and on). Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. You both kicked off your shoes: Miss America and "him" embraced each other with wild abandonment in the "gym." The "gym" is found in the school. What do we teach our children in public schools? The New Morality, Values Clarification, Death Education, "Sex" Education and other Satanic Humanist perversions. I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck with a pink carnation and a pick up truck: A "pink carnation and pick up truck" are word symbols for beings headed for destruction. A permissive sex life is symbolized in the words, "bronkin' buck." He knew that, with this life style, he could be headed for destruction." -- Selected verses of "American Pie" (Don MacLean, 1971) "analyzed" and force-fitted by Aryan Nations (1985).
X Magazine #10"It is better to write for yourself and not have a public than to write for the public and not have a self." -- Cyril Connelly"Real guns are intended to kill...this is intended as a toy." -- Michigan State Senator Gil DiNello, NRA member, after introducing a bill banning "Super Soaker" squirt guns (Detroit Free Press) "X survived for nearly three years, and ended with its seventh number...though optimistic about our prospects - after all, as someone remarked, we had won our first backer with nothing but a nimbus and a swift tongue - wherever we tried we drew a blank; and to tell the truth, we did not try very hard. If our efforts were lukewarm, it was not because we felt the job we had set out to do with X was anything like accomplished; it was because neither of us felt we could stand much more of the stress and pressure to which we were subjected..." -- David Wright on X, a literary review (1959-1962) (An Anthology from X) "Yes...fuck off!" -- Annie Lennox, asked if she had anything to say to men who fantasized about her (Details) X Magazine #9Noise proved to be an important stressing agent capable of causing disturbances in cardiovascular and psychotic subjects.50% of the machines used in heavy industry may produce noise at levels that are potentially damaging to a worker's hearing sensitivity. Jersey cows were subjected to fright stimuli caused by exploding paper bags every few seconds for two minutes which resulted in an immediate cessation of milk ejection. The subjects were comfortably seated and most of them (except the psychotic cases) read books or magazines throughout the noise period. The United Nations may aid in world wide agreement on noise abatement. Reactions of sheep and horses to sonic booms were slight. Sound and other forms of stress have been shown to retard interferon production. Boars and sows were almost entirely indifferent to loud sounds during mating. The body is physiologically responsive to stimulation of the auditory nerve by sound even during sleep, under anaesthesia and, indeed, even after the cerebral hemispheres have been removed. X Magazine #8"Do you think fear should be used to influence driving behavior?" -- Sportsmanlike Driving, AAA, 1955.The boots may be hot, so be careful. Be sure all parts of your body, especially fingers and hands, are clear of the shoulder buckle while it is moving. Do not mount snow chains on the COMPACT spare. Don't rest your foot under the accelerator pedal when the Cruise Control is on; it may pull the pedal down onto your foot. Never drive the car with the doors ajar. If the engine has been running, some engine components may be hot enough to burn you. WARNING: Follow tire changing preparations and procedures carefully to reduce the possibility of injury. The jack is designed for changing tires only. STAND CLEAR, DO NOT get under the car and DO NOT run the engine when the car is supported only by the jack. X Magazine #7It's fun to give the farm family a hand with the animals and equipment. -- Fisher-Price Farm Sears Wish Book catalog copyHinged door lowers to reveal boarding ramp; shuts securely during flight. -- Fisher Price Fun-Jet Sears Wish Book catalog copy A spunky little puppy that stacks up to fun. -- Fisher-Price Puzzle Puppy ad copy Crank turns helicopter rotor with realistic "whomp-whomp" sound. Pilot the "president's" Air Force 1 jet - made in Japan. -- Sears Wish Book catalog copy Engine goes "brrumm." -- Sears Wish Book catalog copy Crank raises and lowers grease rack. -- Fisher-Price Action Garage Sears Wish Book catalog copy When pulled, bell rings, eyes roll - looks so cute! -- Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone Sears Wish Book catalog copy Roll Bingle Balls down Bingle Flinger and watch them bounce from hum-drum to hum-drum and jump through hoop; Flicker Ticker swings balls around, boosts them to the Bangle Vator, then plop into the Boingle Bucket for a thrilling finish.
X Magazine #6Management is not responsible for plastic balls. -- Western Michigan University bowling alley signA ball counts as a ball bowled but the pinfall is illegal and no score is made if pins rebound after hitting a human pinsetter. Once registered, bowlers may not leave the bowling center. No games may be rebowled under any circumstances. To bowl in the 500 club tournament you MUST be a member of the National 500 club. Ten pin over average rule does not apply. Any person who violates any WIBC Tournament Rule is liable for supension and forfeits all entry fees and all rights to claim or hold any trophy or prize award in this tournament. No resin or foreign substance will be allowed on lanes, approaches, or for use on a ball or bowlers' shoes. The entrants whose names appear hereon on their authorized replacement hereby agree that the Massachusetts WBA, its officers and agents, shall be liable only to the extent of returning entry fees if and when these entrants shall be prevented from bowling any event in the tournament through delay, unexpected yet necessary schedule change, or premature termination of the tournament, which may be brought about by war, national emergency, or emergencies or causes relating thereto or resulting therefrom, fires, strikes, lockouts, labor difficulties or other causes beyond the control of the Massachusetts Women's Bowling Association.
X Magazine #5The radioactive material described or contained herein is exempt from NRC or agreement state licensing requirementsFor research only. Not for diagnostic or therapeutic use in humans or animals. Replica weapons and knives or daggers will be removed at the security checkpoints. Since we do not actually capture and milk the snakes or obtain the venom from bees and spiders ourselves, we must depend upon numerous individuals all around the world who have agreed to cooperate. If you believe that your employer has not corrected violations involving radiological working conditions, you may request an inspection from the nearest NRC regional office. Unless specifically indicated, this preparation is not necessarily anhydrous. For irrigation only. Not for injection. Do not use unless solution is clear and seal intact. Sterility is not guaranteed if the polyethylene bag has been perforated. "Hi. Step right up to the feet. I will tell you how tall you are. You seem to be about six feet and one quarter inches tall. You're still there. I'll measure you again. You seem to be about eight feet seven and three quarter inches. Whoa! You're tall. The Celtics could use you." -- Automatic computerized measuring machine, Boston Children's Museum X Magazine #4Do not pack dangerous articles in your bags.For purposes of complying with New Jersey Right To Know act - contents partially unknown. For security and safety reasons only one piece of hand baggage, which must not be larger than 20" x 15" x 10" (50cm x 37cm x 25cm), will be allowed in the cabin. Any unattended item could be instantly destroyed by the police. Contains silver - sold for decoration purposes only. -- disclaimer for those little silver cupcake balls that you eat anyway Please use the keyboard to choose a region. You have chosen the Middle East. Roll the ball then click on the button to choose your city. Your starting city is - Baghdad, Iraq. Roll the ball then click on the button to choose your destination. Your destination is Kuwait. Searching for the shortest route - please wait. Found the shortest route. Starting in Baghdad, go to Kuwait. Thank you for visiting the World Traveler. Now come inside to see the walk-through computer. X Magazine #3X Magazine/Gearbox Publishing are in no way responsible for damages or injuries incurred from the X Mag Staff Car or its drivers. -- X Magazine automobile blanket disclaimer"We shall challenge Speed to a race, and he will accept the challenge." -- Leader of the Car Acrobatic Team, Speed Racer At a point 10" directly in front of the foot opening, the reading shall not exceed 12.5 mr/hr. -- Radiological guidebook for foot fluoroscopes used by shoe salesmen
Catalog list prices would have cost you $1.10. X Magazine #2Welcome to K-Mart. Your weight: 665.8 lbs. Allow 5.5 lbs for clothing. Ideal wgt. 112.4 lbs. You are overweight 500.0 lbs. Weigh yourself regularly to check your progress. Enjoy your day. -- Five people standing on weight machine at K-Mart
X Magazine #1"Mmph malg yul bztklew mmmmbbbzzz rzzzmand enjoy your day at Cedar Point." -- typical Cedar Point announcement |