LESSONS LEARNEDSassafrass makes a gentle and all together tasteless tea, until I hear otherwise ($$$) from the National Fluid Sassafrass Processor Promotion Board (see below).
Water your brakes every 2500 miles.
"Kiss-N-Ride" is a cuter version of "Park-N-Ride," as if your significant other would be all hot on driving you to the train station everyday. HA!
I still drink water out of my canteen. It's quite handy, and covered with dust. Playa dust tastes good. Nutrients!
When the rental company says that you have turn in any duplicate keys that you make, you don't really have to. If you're ever in Lansing, Michigan, and need transportation, let me know. I'll send you a special surprise envelope.
The "luverly" candy that was dispensed from the Sanrio vending machine game is distributed in the United States under the name "Chick-O-Stick."
We were lean, desert machines, we were.
The previews of the new MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie feature Tom Cruise. One can only hope these are his only appearances in the film itself.
Buffalos are now plentiful enough in this great land of ours now that we can hunt 'em again! Yee haw! There's a place in Michigan that sponsors Buffalo Hunts (winter - $1000, summer - $700), no license required, buffalo steak dinner for two and video of hunt included! Taxidermy available! Buffalo meat, skulls, bones, jewelry, hides, mounts, and wagon rides! Damn, call me if you go! Note: Do not call me.
In an interesting twist of fate, I actually knew some of the Burning Man organizers/volunteers before the fact, but didn't put two and two together until I had left the desert. I look forward to meeting them next year, and helping out with Burning Man 1996.
Occasionally readers have asked me if certain events/discussions I've written about really occured. Everything I've written here is pretty much on the money except where it's painfully obvious I'm joking; that crack about the 2007 Neon, just for a TOTALLY RANDOM example. Scott wasn't in on my plan to pose as honeymooning truckers at Wall Drug to score four DO-NUTS. I know I didn't say "big sexy grins" after the Women From Oregon ditched us at the gas station, but I really thought that would bring the whole experience up a few notches. Don't you agree?
Time for "fun-e phrases" from the fresh crew!
Speaking as a scientist... [Scott]
Are you naked? Do you have a drum? [Crux]
Damn paparazzi! [Scott]
NEXT SCENE! [Crux]
DIS is [CNN; <x> = "CNN"] ran.
"You can tell he's saying 'DIS', not 'This'..."
Before long, it was "DIS is the dirty clothes bag," "DIS cooler needs more ice," etc...
Let's burn it! [pal]
We spent three days in the desert [pal]
"Can you guys go get some drinks for the party?"
Sabatini will attempt to murder you [Mission Impossible] ran.
Yay. Yippee. [F/X] ran.
There's something about having a dick
that makes me want to fuck things [Seemen]
What's on top? Critters! [Devil's Tower educational sign]
We had popsicle stick races there. [Scott]
Put in the Portishead CD. [Jeff] ran.
NEVADA NICKELS! [Jeff]
"Jim? I've lost my sense of smell."
"Same Town, Different Name" John Radzilowski Invention & Technology, Winter 1995 (Railroad towns)
"Over The Falls in Barrel" Peter D. A. Warwick Invention & Technology, Spring 1995
Roadside America - Mike Wilkins, Ken Smith, Doug Kirby [Simon & Schuster] 1992 (Wall Drug)
Various pamphlets, National Park Service/U.S. Department of the Interior (Yellowstone, Old Faithful, Devil's Tower)
Cook County Promotion Board Devil's Tower pamphlet
Wall Drug pamphlet
Black Rock Gazette
TRADEMARK CONCERNS; ADDRESSES
Jeep(R) is a registered trademark of the Chrysler Corporation. Always capitalize the initial letter in the Jeep name. Jeep should not be used as a verb -- Jeeping, for example; or in plural form, such as Jeeps; as a possessive noun, such as Jeep's; or hyphenated -- "Jeep-like," for example.
Altoids(R) is a registered trademark of Callard & Bowser-Suchard Incorporated. Always capitalize the initial letter in the Altoids name. Altoids should not be used as a verb -- Altoidsing, for example; or in plural form, such as Altoidss; as a possessive noun, such as Altoids's; or hyphenated -- "Altoids-like," for example.
F/X, Lay's, CNN, Exploder, Kentucky FRIED Chicken, KFC, Dodge, Pizza Barn, Pizza Hut, Mission Impossible, Plunge-O-Sphere, Grass Valley Group, Ball O' Cat Guts, Arby's, Bill Gates, Subway, Ho-ho's, Muzak, Wendy's, Cigarillo, Microsoft, Jet-ski, and all named slot machines except for the pretend ones are registered trademarks of their respective corporations and/or actual corporations and should not be used at all. Call them something else, for example.
Milk and Cheese are America's favorite dairy products gone bad! To get a free catalog of M&C products, amongst other fine things, call Slave Labor Graphics at 800 866 8929. You could buy #6 and "Fun with Milk and Cheese" (#1-#4), for example.
The Mermen appear on the Upstart surf compilation, "Beyond the Beach"; this fine CD also features the Goldentones [local boys done good!], Laika and the Cosmonauts, Tin Machine, and Spies Who Surf, among other bands. Look for it in your local record stores. If they don't have it, make your own out of bits of paper and wooden dowels. That's the DYI spirit!
Wo Wo Wash is a trademark of Wo Wo Wash. I just like saying that. Wo Wo Wash.
ALTERNATE TITLES TO THIS WAD OF TEXT
Feel the Burn
Author: Jeff Stendec
Copyright (C) 1995 Jeff Stendec.
A portion of this article appeared in Planet magazine.
2001 Update Notes.
When playing slot machines, always play the maximum amount of coins
required on a slot machine to maximize your payoff. Better yet,
don't play at all.
I don't rent SUVs anymore because every time I go on vacation, I see a
Our crappy rental SUV was burning oil? Poor. Strike one for Hertz.
Eventually Scott's ticket caused him a world of hurt as his insurance
rates were jacked up sky-high. Another strike for Hertz. Oh yeah, they also
didn't provide an owner's manual, so that would be strike three. Yay. Yippee.
I made peace with Nebraska on subsequent cross-country trips. The gently
swaying grasses put one's mind at ease, especially when travelling alone.
When playing slot machines, always play the maximum amount of coins required on a slot machine to maximize your payoff. Better yet, don't play at all.
I don't rent SUVs anymore because every time I go on vacation, I see a SUV-related accident.
Our crappy rental SUV was burning oil? Poor. Strike one for Hertz.
Eventually Scott's ticket caused him a world of hurt as his insurance rates were jacked up sky-high. Another strike for Hertz. Oh yeah, they also didn't provide an owner's manual, so that would be strike three. Yay. Yippee.
I made peace with Nebraska on subsequent cross-country trips. The gently swaying grasses put one's mind at ease, especially when travelling alone.
[ home | contact | archive | ccb ]