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Worship the <X>
Enlightening the masses for over 1/1,000,000th of a decade.

by Ray Eifler

In this installment of WORSHIP THE <X>, we take a look at ... Wheat 'n Bran Triscuits.

"To open: slide finger under flap and loosen gently." My God, don't you get/love it? How well these profound box-top words apply to everyday life is astounding. Never mind the blatant sexual overtones. This quote screams, "I am irony ... discover me!" Wow. The wisdom continues. "Great, crunchy taste." Again, never mind the sexual overtones. But I digress.

This perplexing Nabisco offspring includes the goodness of Bran. Free! Can you believe it? The ramifications will be felt for years. As we head into the 21st century, how many companies will boast free-for-nothing goodies? Hmmm? Huh? None think I.

As for their texture, it is divine. A perfect simulated weave of grooves and peaks that makes the eyes pop right onto the surface. A visual delicacy. Putting cheeses of various sorts on top even ENHANCES this eyeful of paradise. How I yearn to be viewing one even now.

Ethical, you ask? Can such total joy be packaged and sold so easily? Well, of course, some compromises had to take place to insure consumer acceptance. As with all consumer goods, the price isn't actually placed anywhere NEAR the price area set aside on the top flap, and the package is sold by weight, not by volume. But the consumer concessions for marketability are but trifling annoyances on an otherwise priceless, shimmering apex of quality.

"WHAT? No sodium?" you say. Ha, of course there is! 80 mg. Astounding. Truly a Triscuit to behold.

Oh, I could go on, but YOU THE CONSUMER must learn for yourself. WORSHIP THE WHEAT 'N BRAN TRISCUIT. For those who still doubt, I quote the great philosopher, "Disclaimer," who wrote: "Contents may settle during shipping." He was truly before his time.

You can eat 'em, too.

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