House Rant.
Oh yes. Aging. Are you now or have you ever been in the company of a mortgage
broker? Have you spent more time recently in the back of a real estate agent's
Oldsmobuick than in the back of a police car? In short, are you a New
Homeowner? If so, my condolences, and please quit reading now. Trust me. It's
too late for us to save ourselves. Our only hope lies with the young people.
The Great American Dream. Financed by Massive Long-Term Debt. Ever since you
were a wee tot you were brought up to desire Home Ownership, and now here you
are, you've been out of school for a few years now, all DINKy, pulling down
those fat paychex from the Gap or Kelly Temps or Boston Fried McBurger Queen
or wherever, and your parents are chomping at the bit to lend you that
all-important down payment cash (and of course lie in writing to the bank that
it's really a gift, not like TRW can't trace every stinking penny you
circulate anyway so why bother, really, and besides, like you're really going
to be able to pay them (your parents) back while you're laboring under the
afore-mentioned Massive Crushing Long-Term Debt (to the bank), and they (your
parents again) sure aren't going to sue you over it (the non-payment), so it's
(the gift letter, try to keep up with me here) not such a lie after all), and
you're on the fast track to being a Pillar of Society, a Real Property Owner,
on the Tax Rolls, with a Permanent Address the same as your Current Address
and the whole shootin' match.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I'm here to tell you that Home Ownership is a massive sham,
designed to divert the collective suburban attention from reality. And, the
amazing thing is, it works! No wonder mortgage interest is tax deductible. Buy
a house, and suddenly concepts like Sweat Equity, Should I Refinance Now Given
The Current Mortgage Rates Or Should I Wait Until Next Month, and The Quality
of Life In The Micro-Neighborhood As It Relates To Resale Value start to loom
large in your worldview, replacing previously important concepts such as How
Can I Personally Save The Rainforest Through Consumerism, What The Hell Is
Wrong With Those Loony Republocrats Anyway, and When Is The New Global
Communications Album, Not Just Those Rotty Remixes But I Mean A Real Album,
Going To Come Out, I Mean Sure The Remixes Are OK But Come On Guys, Put A
Little Stick About.
Let's look at the situation rationally. What, exactly, is wrong with your
apartment? Too small? Just pitch some of the junk that you never use. Buying a
house is not the solution -- in a year, you'll be in the same boat all
over again. Trust me on this one -- I bought a house almost exactly one year
ago. Landlord too lazy to fix the toilet, which runs on and drives you crazy?
Wake up, chum! If it was your house, you'd have to fix it yourself! Or call a
plumber, which you could do right now anyway. Noisy neighbors? Hey, at least
you can just pound on the wall. Buy a house, and you will have to trudge
outside in -37 degree weather to yell at the neighbors. And by the way, his
gas-powered leaf blower will be much louder than your current neighbor's boom
box. Much, much louder. My image of Hell involves having one of these things
strapped to your back for eternity, and it is eerily similar to the typical
suburban compound in, say, October. Too expensive? Ha! You haven't even
comprehended expensive until you've bought a house. Once you make this
misstep, you rapidly will slip into preceding 4-digit monetary sums with the
adjective "only." I'm serious. Ask the next homeowner you happen to see. Also,
keep in mind that the baby boomer who owns that $150K suburban castle you're
looking at paid $30K for it 15 years ago -- you will be funding his mid-life
crisis when you should really be getting a headstart on your own.
Your vocabulary will start to degenerate. You will be unable to use the simple
word "house." It will be replaced by the word "Home." You can just hear the
capital "H" as it comes breathlessly tumbling out of a New Homeowner's mouth
in phrases like "we just bought our first Home, it's so wonderful blah blah
blah." Carefully note the word "first." After a few years, you'll be jonesing
again for another one (see "too small" above). You'll suddenly start spouting
terms like Capital Gains Tax, and Two-Year Rollover Residence Replacement
Rule. Even worse, there is a very strong correlation between buying your
second Home and subscribing to Martha Stewart's Living. Is this really how you
want to spend your 30's, painting ping-pong balls red, impaling them on
toothpicks, and making Judeo-Christian Peak Retail Season wreaths for all your
friends, rather than, say, chucking it all and following your bliss as a
member of the Hell's Angels MC? The members of this cult (I'm back to Martha
now, please try to pay better attention) try to hide behind a thin veneer of
irony, but simply having a copy of the Is Martha Stewart Living? parody
magazine (which she probably wrote anyway) does not fool anybody. Beyond this
point there be dragons. You have been warned.
-Steve
by Steve Gross
96feb26
As I look around, I can't help noticing (because I am a moderately observant
type of person) that we of the generation formerly known as X appear to be
aging. Not, of course, as much as the baby boomers, nor, characteristically,
with nearly as much hype and overblown self-awareness, but, apparently, with
run-on sentences clogged, unnecessarily I might add, with commas and dependent
clauses coming out
of our asses. Or something. Where was I again?