Day ten. Continued. (95sep04) Our trip back from Burning Man begins with a police escort. I mean, if you were the police, what would you do? Lookit all this REVENOO coming out of the desert! Scott was extremely cautious, keeping the speedometer pegged at 55mph. This is an important part of the story. Remember that we were doing a constant 55mph while being followed by the police. There will be a quiz later. Just North of Gerlach is Guru Lane, a large art installation created by "Doobie." Guru Lane is laid out like a typical street, with street signs and structures. There are lots of inscribed rocks placed along the lane and near structures: Why take more than you need - things are just anchors - anchors away Ladies - you are stars in my eyes Don't drive drunk - you might kill a sagebrush Never assume - believe only what can be proved Keep smiling Think health Drink milk Sex-a-lot Exercise your heart Never lose touch Make the whole world smile My favorite was the Imagination Station ("in Dooby Vision"), which was a hut with six or so windows, which were actually old television set front covers. You'd look out (onto the real world), and there would be some more inscripted rocks perfectly centered in the TV set. Genius. The press: only what the rich want you to know Truth channel - out of order Unbiased channel Sadly, Dwayne "Doobie" Williams passed away early this year. Doobie was 77 years old. Lunchtime at Bruno's, in Gerlach. I order their world-famous ravioli, Scott has a hamburger. We split half-n-half; it's a prototype of "Sections" restaurant! It WORKS, I tell you, it WORKS! There's a few old-tyme slot machines here, with actual fruit on the dials. I played a dollar, won two bucks. While we're loitering outside, Scott overhears two policemen discussing Burning Man; they were apparently surprised that with 3,000 people attending, there wasn't even as much as a fight. CASINO WIN/LOSS STATEMENT down $21.35 Almost as soon as we get back on the highway, some people in an SUV pass us while waving frantically. Hi, heigh-ho...hrmmm, that was strange HEY! MICHIGAN PLATES! Someone else made the trip. We'd heard about people driving from Florida, but no one else from Michigan. We stop at the Oregon Babes Gas Station again for a fill-up. There's enough dust on the Exploder to write a novel on the sides: Honk if you have absolutely no reason to X Magazine - America loves us Wash me ... get it? I love you Try our thick, creamy shakes We get back on I-80. We're taking this baby all the way to Chicago. In the distance is a train, mostly comprised of empty livestock cars. Rio Grande - the ACTION railroad -- boxcar slogan Most of the day is uneventful; just plowing through Nevada. There are weird noises coming from the roof. It starts raining at 7:30pm. On the way back, we're just a tad more giddy than normal. Somehow, it's established that the best way to call attention to a distant lightning strike is to say "Boik!" in a cartoonish manner. This may be one of those things that's better left unshared. We're back in Elko. Pizza Hut, or Pizza Barn? Choices, choices...the Pizza Hut is empty and quiet, save a clucking novelty chicken egg vending machine. Our waitress, Janelle, warms to us immediately, or is desperate for conversation. I mean, really, Pizza Hut. I don't know about you, but my Pizza Hut experiences have set major waiting-for-food world records. Wasn't Pizza Hut the first American restaurant in Russia? Anyway, I once waited TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a pizza at a Pizza Hut. This was when I was younger and wasn't aware of the power of Walking Out or Random, Senseless Vandalism/Mayhem. They should teach you these things in school, not this New Math and History-Up-To-1968-Because-That's-Where-Our-Textbook-Ends crap. "Class, if you'll turn to page 107, 'When to stiff the waitstaff even though they make only $2.85 an hour'..." Amazingly, we discover that Janelle hasn't gambled at all, though she lives in Nevada, where it's LEGAL! Jeff: "Give me some of your money, I'll go play it, and bring back the winnings." Janelle: "Right." Vending machine: "BOWK BOWK BOWK!" Jeff: "You don't TRUST me? Okay, I tell you what. You can gamble with my money. You just tell me how much to play, and if you win, I'll tape it to the door in an envelope marked 'Janelle'." She wouldn't bite. Then we went from Elko to Vegas in one hour. "VEGA$," that is, starring Robert Urich as Dan Tana. It's cable TV nite again for our intrepid explorers. You can almost SMELL the splendor as Dan flirts with a princess in a Las Vegas casino. Princess: "As my bodyguard, I can order you to pull the handle of this slot machine for me." Dan Tana: "What if I don't want to?" Princess: "Then I will have you killed." Dan Tana: "Well, then, I'll pull the handle for you." Dan Tana, that sexual dynamo! Then, Scott channel-surfs and hits the super-duper re-run progressive four-alarm jackpot wad: a crossover episode of "Charlie's Angels" and "The Love Boat." "OMIGOD! LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT!" This is better'n "The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons"! My brain's going to freakin' OVERLOAD...when WORLDS COLLIDE! Chris: "I just saw you pouring something green." Isaac: "I did, but you can have any color you like." Isaac, that sexual dynamo! Shelly Hack's first case! Co-starring Judy Landers as "Blond Girl"! Scott, returning from the SUV, expresses interest in the hybrid show's cast. Scott: "Did the captain show up?" Jeff: "Didn't see him." Scott: "You didn't see the captain?" Jeff: "Of course he was there ... as if they're not going to be able to pay for him ..." Scott: "Hey! He's a fucking STAR!" Scott, that sexual dynamo! I duly note Scott's strong feelings for Gavin McLeod. We move onto TV classic "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE." Scott has become absolutely FEVERISH for this show. This is understandable. Today's episode is the second of a three-parter entitled "The Falcon." "Topless tour guides?" -- HBO movie listing

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