Dr. Cliff's Really Good Ideas (RGIs)

OK, I know this page looks boring, but it's pretty good reading.
Sometimes, do you ever just think something up, and wonder what to do next?  I mean, these are really good ideas, and some of them might even work. At the very least, they might be entertaining.  Feel free to follow up on these gems of inspiration.  Email me and tell me how things turn out, or send in your own RGIs (if you have any).

Kosher Pork!

Get Stoned From an Ear of Corn!

Urban Rehabilitation!

Grow Tasty Beef!

Grow Tasty Chicken!

Magic Phone!

My Own Beauty Parlor!

GPS Porn!


Amazing New Air Freshener!

Reader-Input RGI!

Kosher dietary laws mandate the following basic requirements for a mammal to be edible:

1. It can't have cloven hooves
2. It has to ruminate (regurgitate its cud) like deer and cows

There's other requirements, but these two have kept pork out of kosher kitchens since Judaism began.  Modern technology can be put to use here, in the grandest marketing scheme in the history of the modern world.
Cloven hooves?  Simple developmental events like this are often controlled by single genes.  If we spent some time mapping pig genes, we could find the gene that causes the hoof to split.  Transgenic pigs without this gene would grow with non-cloven hooves.  It probably would only take three years of research to stop the cloven-hoof problem forever.
Ruminant mammals have several stomach chambers.  They eat some grass, and then puke it back up after it sits in the first chamber for a while.  Re-chewing the cud allows more efficient digestion of the plant matter that would otherwise pass through the animal's boby undigested. That's why horse dung looks like grass, and cow dung looks like, well, dung. Horses don't ruminate, cows do.
You could make ruminant pigs by surgically constricting the stomach into two smaller stomachs.  Simple surgery- open up the baby pig, band its stomach, sew it back up.  Easy.  Now when the pig eats, it throws up a little because it ate too much for its half-sized stomach.  Rumination!
So now you have a single-hoofed pig that ruminates.  KOSHER PORK, my friend!
Think about it- here's a product whose market has been created by thousands of years of denial and restriction.  Now the kosher-eating part of our world could be eating pork, real pork, right out in the open.  Kosher pork- one less thing to feel guilty about!

Girlfriend Carrie adds that the pigs may have to be raised in a Jewish household to be Kosher. I'll check on that.

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

The psychoactive ingredient in marijuana is tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).  A couple other plants make THC in smaller amounts, most notably the Szechuan peppercorn, hwa-jhou.  THC is also being studied for its useful pharmaceutical properties.  I'm not talking about the buzz you get from it, I'm talking about the anti-nausea and appetite-stimulant effects you also get from it.
So, a lot is known about THC. It's structurally close to several plant hormones, so it stands to reason that all these molecules may be made from a common precursor. Follow along here- that means two things:
1. THC precursor molecules are probably already present in most plant life.
2. The final synthesis of THC from the precursor is probably done by a single enzyme.

Are you with me here?  You could take that single enzyme from cannabis, stick it into a different plant and behold- the new transgenic plant would produce THC!
This is actually not so far-fetched.  Biotech firms like Novartis are cutting-n-pasting plant genes at a surprising pace.  The same technology that produces frost-resistant tomatoes, and weevil-resistant corn, could put the "THC" gene in any plant so chosen. Imagine-
THC in tobacco- how about a nice cigar?  bzzzzzzz...
THC in corn- a whole field full of corn, dripping with THC...maybe you could even make the 'pot-corn' into whiskey...  or make THC barley for beer... the possibilities are endless!
OK, that's all good rhetoric, but here's the "Dr. Cliff" angle...
The same technology that can put the THC gene in other plants, can remove it from cannabis.  So, you could have c. sativa with no THC.  Suddenly, hemp is back in the forefront as an agricultural product. Imagine getting the federal government to fund your research, to remove THC from cannabis and make hemp a legit cash crop.
Imagine the glassy-eyed hemp activists when they discover that hemp doesn't get you high anymore- I think their lobbying energy would vaporize in a heartbeat.  Talk about pissing on someone's parade.  They don't really want us to believe they're interested in hemp as a textile, do they?
So, you get the DEA to fund your research, removing THC from pot. Meanwhile, you're using the same research to make THC-laden corn, or
peas, or kudzu for that matter.
Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

There's a lot of federal money available for experimental programs to rehabilitate or acculturate the masses of disaffected urban casualties roaming our cities.  Here's the Dr. Cliff rehab program-
Start with an old warehouse, or a whole floor of some welfare hotel, and renovate it into a barracks. Make it self-contained, you know, kitchen, library, excercise facilities, the whole nine yards.
Take in the psychologically crippled but physically healthy- the recently homeless, parolees, even cons fresh out of prison.  Teach them job skills...and more.  Make 'em read Chomsky, Kropotkin, lots of radical political stuff. Teach 'em to think, and to think that Uncle Sam is not necessarily their benevolent buddy.  You could also pull some cult-conditioning, playing games with their heads to build their trust in you.  Jim Jones did it, but he did it all wrong.  He picked the wrong people.
Under the guise of job skills, show them useful stuff, like how to read blueprints, computer (hacking) literacy, how to navigate underground in the city, welding, silent-weapon marksmanship, urban foraging.  If the Green Berets can survive in the jungle, these guys can live indefinitely in downtown Los Angeles.  I want people in the program to learn self-sufficiency and show some initiative in controlling their destinies.
Concurrently, I want these guys learning to eat perfect food and taking perfect care of themselves, excercising, turning their bodies into machines.
Slowly but surely these basket-cases would evolve into bitter revolutionaries, trained at government expense, and under the surreptitious control of the program director. Turn these fuckers loose on the city and lay siege to it.  All funded by big brother himself!
Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu


Modern, commercially-grown beef is pretty bland.  If you don't believe me, pick the patty outof a McDonald's burger and give it a taste. It's chewy, but not tasty.
That's because commercial beef is grown on the cheapest food source available to the ranchers- usually hay or whatever scrub-grass happens to grow on the land.  You are what you eat, so these cattle taste bland due to their bland diet.
Venison and other game are 'gamey' because of the diverse diet they have in the wild.  Grass, tree leaves, juniper berries, all kinds of different food, adds up to richer, more flavorful meat.
People have tried to domesticate deer for meat production, with liited success. No one has the patience for several generations of domestication, plus the yield of meat per acre of land tends to be low. Cattle, on the other hand, have been specially bred for meat production for dozens of generations.  The meat production per acre of land is quite high, and that's what keeps the cost of beef low.
So, why not feed your cattle something more interesting, to make them taste better for us?  Toss out a few bales of juniper berries, or better yet, create a wilderness habitat for the cattle.  Put 'em in a forest with everything but a cow-predator (that's our role).  You'd spend more money raising your cattle, but you'd also have a premium product capable of commanding higher prices at the slaughterhouse.  "Wild animal" food would give beef the rich flavor of game meats, at a fraction of the price. I'm a genius, I swear.  Do it NOW!
Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu


On a similar note to the above RGI, I'm thinkin' about onions.  Dairy farmers have to keep their cows away from onions and garlic plants, because they will give the milk a nasty flavor (imagine a nice yogurt and onion smoothie).
At the same time, the tops of onion and garlic plants aren't useful human-food, even though the flavor is still there.  So...(here comes the RGI)
Why not turn chickens loose on the onion/garlic fields, right before harvest time? The chickens would peck away at the tops of the plants that we don't even eat, and pick up some built-in pre-seasoning while eating free food. Everybody wins!

  • Chicken farmers save money by feeding them scraps from the onion field.
  • Less waste in the world, since the chickens are eating an agricultural waste product.
  • Onion farmers spend less time (and money) pulling the tops off the onions.
  • Chickens go to the slaughterhouse already tasting like onions.
  • Consumers save money on onions & garlic!

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

I want to make a magic phone. With this phone, I could rule the world. At least the part of the world that has phones.  What if you had a phone that was still ON, for about five seconds after you hung up?  You could hear the shit people say right after they THOUGHT the call was over.

'Hey, good talking to you, I'm excited about our new contract.'
'Yeah, it's gonna work out great for both of us.  I'll talk to you tomorrow.'
'Bye.'  [CLICK]

And THEN you hear the guy say-

'Stupid asshole! I'm robbing you BLIND!'

Can you IMAGINE the devious power this phone would give you?  EVERYBODY talks smack after the phone hangs up, and with this gem of technology, you get to HEAR it!
Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

I want to own a beauty shop someday. I'm not a beautician, I'm not even gay. I just have a vision for the name. There's an endless list of the tired old puns-

  • "Shear Delight"
  • "Hair Today, Gone Towmorrow"
  • "Don't Get Snippy With Me!"

and so on. Fine. My shop will be all red & black, in simple but powerful geometric designs. I will only employ folks with German accents, or good fake ones. The name-


For all the affected dimwits too anxious to be offended (there are many of you) I should state clearly that I am not a Nazi. Y'see, that was a "pun". Look it up.

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

This quote from an online article about the power of GPS technology-

Fashion designers have fitted tracking devices into clothing, so mothers can find lost toddlers and search parties can find lost skiers. And security-concious women will soon be able to don a GPS-fitted bra.

GPS in bras! I have just invented the newest porn rage! Forget all those silly shit/piss/horny amateur sites!
I will put a GPS-equipped bra on a stripper w/huge tits. We'll get continuous position readings from each cup independently. When she dances we can see numerical representation of those huge swingin' boobies! Later we can branch into GPS voyeur bras, just having the stripper walk around all day sending back info on where her titties are. Even when her clothes are on!

{dorky voice} those things are gyrating wildly out of control! one goes up while the other goes down! it's all charted right here!
{other dorky voice} she's in an elevator! nobody else in there knows what she's packin' in her blouse!

Imagine the complete lack of anything interesting or erotic. It will be the blair witch project of internet porn. We will all be millionaires.

Send in your ground-floor investment dollars. do it NOW!

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

Sometimes you just get monkey-butt, you know, that chafey, sweaty rash right in the crack of your butt. Usually it's when you're walking around all day, like at the mall or at a trade show. What to do? Cornstarch is the key to relief, but what're you gonna do, walk around with a fucking box of cornstarch all day?

'Hey, pal, what's with the cornstarch? You making pudding later?'

'Uhhh... hold up for a minute. I need to duck into the toilet here and cram some more of it into my crack...'

'Ahh, I see. You're making gravy. Ass-gravy.'

Who needs that kind of embarrassment? All you need is a little thing like a moist towelette. BUT- here's the RGI part- instead of hand cleaner, the little package could be full of cornstarch! Just tear it open, grab the little wiper, and rub it up the crack of your ass. RELIEF! And the little package can be taken anywhere without embarassment.

Rash-A-Way! Your monkey-butt's worst enemy.

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

I fart a lot (so does everyone else; they just won't admit it). All day and all night. In my sleep, even. Mostly just big air-jobbies, but once in a while I let a real bomb. Usually I think it's pretty funny, but there are times when a nasty fart is inappropriate. What the world needs, is an air-freshener in suppository form.

Say you're somewhere where you just can't fart (for example, when I'm with a patient), and you feel some serious gas coming on. You could just excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and stuff a little human-powered air freshener up your butthole. Then, when you cut the cheese, the room would be filled with "Country Fresh" or "Patchouli Potpourri" or some scent like that. No more odious odors! Imagine, farting with total confidence that no one will be offended by the smell.

This breakthrough could pave the way for the further development of fart humor, which I believe is still in its infancy. Without the stigma of a horrid stench, a good loud fart could be every bit as funny as a good belch. Or someone throwing up. Or a soft ball pitcher taking a line-drive in the nuts. The sky's the limit, and the future of fart humor could hinge on this simple invention.

If you would like to be part of my testing squad for this exciting new product, contact me. I'll gladly send you something to cram up your ass.

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

MolotovJo@aol.com sent us this gem- our first example of reader participation in the RGI department! Thanks, Jo.

I think this idea I have would make money: You know that smelly Bath and Body Works stuff women rub all over themselves to smell better? Well, I think that they should come out with this stuff you put in the laundry with your clothes, and they come out smelling like Bath and Body Works scents. Who in the hell do I sell this idea to? Would it work? Why do I assume you care?

-Jo, with new, nuttier flavor

Back to the 'Good Ideas' Menu

Front Door