Dr. Cliff's Really Good Ideas (RGIs)
|OK, I know this page looks boring, but it's pretty
Sometimes, do you ever just think something up, and wonder what to do next? I mean, these are really good ideas, and some of them might even work. At the very least, they might be entertaining. Feel free to follow up on these gems of inspiration. Email me and tell me how things turn out, or send in your own RGIs (if you have any).
Get Stoned From an Ear of Corn!
Grow Tasty Beef!
Grow Tasty Chicken!
My Own Beauty Parlor!
Amazing New Air Freshener!
There's other requirements, but these two have kept pork out of kosher kitchens since Judaism began. Modern
technology can be put to use here, in the grandest marketing scheme in the history of the modern world.
|The psychoactive ingredient in marijuana is tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). A couple other
plants make THC in smaller amounts, most notably the Szechuan peppercorn, hwa-jhou. THC is also being studied
for its useful pharmaceutical properties. I'm not talking about the buzz you get from it, I'm talking about
the anti-nausea and appetite-stimulant effects you also get from it.
So, a lot is known about THC. It's structurally close to several plant hormones, so it stands to reason that all these molecules may be made from a common precursor. Follow along here- that means two things:
1. THC precursor molecules are probably already present in most plant life.
2. The final synthesis of THC from the precursor is probably done by a single enzyme.
Are you with me here? You could take that single enzyme from cannabis, stick it into a different plant and behold- the new transgenic plant would produce THC!
This is actually not so far-fetched. Biotech firms like Novartis are cutting-n-pasting plant genes at a surprising pace. The same technology that produces frost-resistant tomatoes, and weevil-resistant corn, could put the "THC" gene in any plant so chosen. Imagine-
THC in tobacco- how about a nice cigar? bzzzzzzz...
THC in corn- a whole field full of corn, dripping with THC...maybe you could even make the 'pot-corn' into whiskey... or make THC barley for beer... the possibilities are endless!
OK, that's all good rhetoric, but here's the "Dr. Cliff" angle...
The same technology that can put the THC gene in other plants, can remove it from cannabis. So, you could have c. sativa with no THC. Suddenly, hemp is back in the forefront as an agricultural product. Imagine getting the federal government to fund your research, to remove THC from cannabis and make hemp a legit cash crop.
Imagine the glassy-eyed hemp activists when they discover that hemp doesn't get you high anymore- I think their lobbying energy would vaporize in a heartbeat. Talk about pissing on someone's parade. They don't really want us to believe they're interested in hemp as a textile, do they?
So, you get the DEA to fund your research, removing THC from pot. Meanwhile, you're using the same research to make THC-laden corn, or
peas, or kudzu for that matter.
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|There's a lot of federal money available for experimental programs to rehabilitate or acculturate
the masses of disaffected urban casualties roaming our cities. Here's the Dr. Cliff rehab program-
Start with an old warehouse, or a whole floor of some welfare hotel, and renovate it into a barracks. Make it self-contained, you know, kitchen, library, excercise facilities, the whole nine yards.
Take in the psychologically crippled but physically healthy- the recently homeless, parolees, even cons fresh out of prison. Teach them job skills...and more. Make 'em read Chomsky, Kropotkin, lots of radical political stuff. Teach 'em to think, and to think that Uncle Sam is not necessarily their benevolent buddy. You could also pull some cult-conditioning, playing games with their heads to build their trust in you. Jim Jones did it, but he did it all wrong. He picked the wrong people.
Under the guise of job skills, show them useful stuff, like how to read blueprints, computer (hacking) literacy, how to navigate underground in the city, welding, silent-weapon marksmanship, urban foraging. If the Green Berets can survive in the jungle, these guys can live indefinitely in downtown Los Angeles. I want people in the program to learn self-sufficiency and show some initiative in controlling their destinies.
Concurrently, I want these guys learning to eat perfect food and taking perfect care of themselves, excercising, turning their bodies into machines.
Slowly but surely these basket-cases would evolve into bitter revolutionaries, trained at government expense, and under the surreptitious control of the program director. Turn these fuckers loose on the city and lay siege to it. All funded by big brother himself!
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|Modern, commercially-grown beef is pretty bland. If you don't believe me, pick the patty
outof a McDonald's burger and give it a taste. It's chewy, but not tasty.
That's because commercial beef is grown on the cheapest food source available to the ranchers- usually hay or whatever scrub-grass happens to grow on the land. You are what you eat, so these cattle taste bland due to their bland diet.
Venison and other game are 'gamey' because of the diverse diet they have in the wild. Grass, tree leaves, juniper berries, all kinds of different food, adds up to richer, more flavorful meat.
People have tried to domesticate deer for meat production, with liited success. No one has the patience for several generations of domestication, plus the yield of meat per acre of land tends to be low. Cattle, on the other hand, have been specially bred for meat production for dozens of generations. The meat production per acre of land is quite high, and that's what keeps the cost of beef low.
So, why not feed your cattle something more interesting, to make them taste better for us? Toss out a few bales of juniper berries, or better yet, create a wilderness habitat for the cattle. Put 'em in a forest with everything but a cow-predator (that's our role). You'd spend more money raising your cattle, but you'd also have a premium product capable of commanding higher prices at the slaughterhouse. "Wild animal" food would give beef the rich flavor of game meats, at a fraction of the price. I'm a genius, I swear. Do it NOW!
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On a similar note to the above RGI, I'm thinkin' about onions. Dairy farmers have
to keep their cows away from onions and garlic plants, because they will give the milk a nasty flavor (imagine
a nice yogurt and onion smoothie).
I want to make a magic phone. With this phone, I could rule the world. At least the part of the world that has phones. What if you had a phone that was still ON, for about five seconds after you hung up? You could hear the shit people say right after they THOUGHT the call was over.
And THEN you hear the guy say-
and so on. Fine. My shop will be all red & black, in simple but powerful geometric designs. I will only employ folks with German accents, or good fake ones. The name-
For all the affected dimwits too anxious to be offended (there are many of you) I should state clearly that I am not a Nazi. Y'see, that was a "pun". Look it up.
This quote from an online article about the power of GPS technology-
GPS in bras! I have just invented the newest porn rage! Forget all those
silly shit/piss/horny amateur sites!
Send in your ground-floor investment dollars. do it NOW!
Sometimes you just get monkey-butt, you know, that chafey, sweaty rash right in the crack of your butt. Usually it's when you're walking around all day, like at the mall or at a trade show. What to do? Cornstarch is the key to relief, but what're you gonna do, walk around with a fucking box of cornstarch all day?
Who needs that kind of embarrassment? All you need is a little thing like a moist towelette. BUT- here's the RGI part- instead of hand cleaner, the little package could be full of cornstarch! Just tear it open, grab the little wiper, and rub it up the crack of your ass. RELIEF! And the little package can be taken anywhere without embarassment.
Rash-A-Way! Your monkey-butt's worst enemy.
|I fart a lot (so does everyone else; they just won't admit it). All day and all night.
In my sleep, even. Mostly just big air-jobbies, but once in a while I let a real bomb. Usually I think it's
pretty funny, but there are times when a nasty fart is inappropriate. What the world needs, is an air-freshener
in suppository form.
Say you're somewhere where you just can't fart (for example, when I'm with a patient), and you feel some serious gas coming on. You could just excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and stuff a little human-powered air freshener up your butthole. Then, when you cut the cheese, the room would be filled with "Country Fresh" or "Patchouli Potpourri" or some scent like that. No more odious odors! Imagine, farting with total confidence that no one will be offended by the smell.
This breakthrough could pave the way for the further development of fart humor, which I believe is still in its infancy. Without the stigma of a horrid stench, a good loud fart could be every bit as funny as a good belch. Or someone throwing up. Or a soft ball pitcher taking a line-drive in the nuts. The sky's the limit, and the future of fart humor could hinge on this simple invention.
If you would like to be part of my testing squad for this exciting new product, contact me. I'll gladly send you something to cram up your ass.
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MolotovJo@aol.com sent us this gem- our first example of reader participation
in the RGI department! Thanks, Jo.
I think this idea I have would make money: You know that smelly Bath and Body Works stuff women rub all over themselves to smell better? Well, I think that they should come out with this stuff you put in the laundry with your clothes, and they come out smelling like Bath and Body Works scents. Who in the hell do I sell this idea to? Would it work? Why do I assume you care?
-Jo, with new, nuttier flavor