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The store that used to sell the Chocoballs and then did not sell Chocoballs is now selling Chocoballs at HALF OFF because they're clearing the decks for new Chocoballs or they're just getting rid of Chocoballs. So I bought ten packs and got z-e-r-0 angels which means my dream of a can of toys is dying in front of me much like a dying toy can dream but at least I got a $50 parking ticket. When one door closes on your face, another opens on your face. As solace, I will make a t-shirt with the Chocoball mascot and the can of toys and a big "WANT" above it. Yes. Working on that ... now.


To wrap up the last month of Cardhouse-On-Cardhouse coverage, please take a look at our disappointing child safety score. We apologize to all of our child viewers. The hordes. Of children. Children would you like to buy a fidget spinner. It has a cigarette lighter. Children.


Fidget spinner cigarette lighter. Still looking for a fidget spinner AM radio egg timer. If you see one, let me know in the comments section below.


The Soothing Sounds Of Alcatraz


I was going to write a big entry about how I've spent the last month waiting for a store to re-open that sold Chocoballs and how I contacted the distributor but they wouldn't tell me where else I could buy Chocoballs except for their website which has a minimum charge of $25 along with $10 shipping but I went to the store today now that they are open again (stores close for a month all the time around here, it's a ghost town, even the hospitals) and they did not know what Chocoballs were and also did not have them.



I have spent what investigators have called "a bone-chilling, flabbergasting" amount of time fixing the Cardhouse weblog pages. I have "revamped" the weblog, removing all previous attempts to modernize it. Now older pages look approximately like they did before ... but centered, with underlining removed, and a little bit of grammar/layout clean-up. The Cardhouse weblog now consists of 27 pages. That's highly-concentrated value, right there. "It's so easy!" "So convenient ..." "So crisp." No one links to weblogs any more, so why waste the time with individual entry pages. There are unique links to each entry if you need to link to something. You do not.

I got some comments about the last historical history post I made, about those ancient little buttons everyone used to make for the sites back in the stone age. "Hey, those buttons, those were different." So you like the little buttons, do ya now. Well, how about a bunch of Cardhouse weblog buttons. How about that.

There. You like buttons so much. Swim. Swim in the buttons! Each year of the weblog is now one page with a header and a tiny goddamn throwback button you can put in your pocket and feed tiny bits of egg from time to time. The button has a strange diet. That's what the pet store said to give it, I don't get it either.

That's right, each button is a year. Each button is one page. Yes. A button ... is a page ... is a year. You can click forward and backward on the big images on top of the pages ... that are years. "But it takes long to load." Go grab a snack. Get off DSL. Wait a few years for technology to catch up.

Also perhaps you have noticed how over the past 27 years or so I have matured quite a bit ‒ whereas before I would go "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! SOME BIT OF NON-IMPORTANT CULTURAL DETRITUS I WILL OVER-EMPHASIZE!!!!!!" now I'm all "Here's an image. Knock yourself out, I'm going to go take a nap in the back." I have even noticed myself, and I'm me. Anyway, de-emphasis on input (political/cultural spew), over-emphasis on output (the Elsewhere Philatelic Society, other various projects).

For those of you just tuning in, Cardhouse started in 1990 as the backing organization for X Magazine. The Cardhouse website started on or before November 27 of 1994. The domain started August 1 1997. The weblog itself, that's more of a mystery. I remember churning through small entries on the home page which were not archived around 1996, and I started answering email there around the end of that year. The term "weblog" was coined by Jorn Barger with the start of Robot Wisdom weblog on 17 December 1997. I don't know how many people were making weblog-like constructs back then; what I do know is that most of them are gone, including Barger. Most everything is gone. I didn't go through every link, but I checked a large number of them and I'd say 97.3% of them are dead. I didn't search for them, most of the time, so maybe they exist on some other website. No, just kidding, you know 90% of that 97.3% is totally missing. People are gone, products are gone, art collectives are gone, institutions are gone, Elizabeth Hurley's guilt-free air-dried organic silverside beef jerky snack packs are gone. That funny service-sector weblog? Yeah, that's definitely gone. So if you like something out there ... save it to your local drive now. Because it will die.




What football will look like in the future. Set aside a nice chunk of time for this one. This is the most important link you will visit in 2017 (thanks Jon!).




Occasionally my image disgorger program spits out accidentally meaningful random pairs.


As I mentioned earlier, I'm working through the Cardhouse archives to make the site a little more palatable to my dedicated 17 readers. I found this screenshot of's new-for-1999 feature that would allow advertisers to advertise on sites that didn't allow advertising. It was a holy war back then. Sites that injected advertising, sites that enveloped your site into a frame, on and on.

I end up seeing the "raw" web with advertising etc once every six months or so and it's always a tiny bit of a shock. Well, at least we don't have to worry about Alexa injecting ads into anything anymore.

"Alexa, what time does the trash truck come so I know when to put you out on the curb?"


Bonita Bar Heavenly Hash trade card. Tell me, what have you learned about Bonita Heavenly Hash? Name an ingredient. One. Some modern-day candy bars contain a small percentage of previously-rejected bars so nothing goes to waste. I get the feeling that Bonita set aside an entire GOOD EATING CANDY PRODUCT for their rejects. Should have just called it "Sweepings." Part of the famous dime line.


While I'm revamping most of the website, I have created a sort of potpourri page of Cardhouse/web history over at this page. Found a perfect copy of the website from 1999 on a CDR, I had no idea it was floating around. It's got links, splash screens, tiny stupid web buttons. You're really missing out and all your friends are going. There's going to be drinks and light entertainment. Someone will be pushed into a pool but it will not be calculated, it will be totally spontaneous.


Yazoo documentary [37min].


Is that a lot of Chocoball to be selling in a year? Twelve million? I don't know how any of this works to be honest. I just want a t-shirt of Kyoro-chan just like how the bird is on the package, with the white outline. Black t-shirt. Do people still wear white t-shirts? Occasionally they do produce t-shirts but most of them don't have the zazz and I've never actually crossed paths with any of them. I should just make my own. Get what CBS Problems This Morning recently called a "Decease and Desist" when referring to a bloated coal executive sending a mash note to This Week Tonight.


Let's run the numbers on the earlier Chocoball giveway post. Here's an enterprising gentleman who went and purchased 1000 Chocoball packages to determine exactly what the odds are of winning, and to get his hands on a buncha cans.

Skipping to the end, he ended up with two gold angels and 40 silver angels, for a total of ten cans. Ten cans out of a thousand means as an average, every 100 purchases of Chocoball Chocolate Bird Doots has enough angel-unlocking power to get one can. The FAQ for the giveaway indicates that 10000 cans a month are sent out. Applying increasingly-shaky math, that means Morinaga is moving approximately twelve million Chocoball packages a year. This is a minimal estimate; the number of people who have angels but are not redeeming them is unknown.


Secret Grandma returns in 2017 with another 87 episodes this July. Will Hector unravel the true identity of Secret Grandma? Will Lila get the job promotion? What about Big Ted, what's his deal? Tune in to Secret Grandma, the only unscripted reality show where the secret is "SECRET GRANDMA." Secret Grandma: Sometimes Secrets Are SECRET


About two months back I made a short note about wanting a "can of toys" from the Japanese confectionery company Morinaga. Here now, in response to the deluge of cards and letters for more details: more details.

Chocoball is a chocolate-peanut candy available in a small box. According to the Morinaga website: "Kyoro-chan, adorns every package of CHOCOBALL with his signature large beak. Children and adults alike love this popular character who has been the mascot for CHOCOBALL since 1967 and has appeared in commercials, promotional materials and his own cartoon series. [...] The cardboard packaging dispenses each individual piece of candy through an original beak-shaped opening, adding to the enjoyment of CHOCOBALL and honoring its long-standing mascot, Kyoro-chan, the animated bird."

The promotion itself started almost a year ago. Purchase a box of delicious Chocoballs, check the flap for a little angel figurine. According to the faq, get five silver ones or one gold one, and send it along to "PO Box 123 No. Chen Zhen Branch of Japan Post Ueno Branch 110 ‒ 8691." I love the little graphic showing you how to see if you're a winner. The whole thing is printed on one sheet so it totally knows if I'm a winner or not. [FX: box shrugs] "Dunno, man. Good luck."

Additionally, three associated videos were created at the start of the campaign with an older gentleman dropping shade on a toy can wanter girl.

I don't know who the guy is. Maybe the CEO? He also appears in still images with the can of toys on the website. [FX: One research later] It's Kenichi Endo.

I purchased two CHOCOBALL packages and currently my angel tally is zero gold angels, and zero silver angels. I stacked the two empty packages on a shelf to use as an ersatz earthquake detector. Every day I'm getting closer to my goal. This can of toys will solve all of my problems. I can feel it.