my new address:

cardhouse
box 30951
oakland ca 94604

Note: Maxell has $20 rebate coupon off of a ten-pack of CDRs, bringing your total to about two dollars. Check it out at Office Depot or any of those other big stupid office-supply stores.

1999mar29 - 1999apr02. Fun Week.

Okay. Here's the problem. I have a lot of things to do. And not much time to do them. And taxes. So I can't keep updating this site every day, at least not until I get my time-release PancakeRobot installed. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put a bunch of stuff up, and it "counts" for the entire week. PACE YOURSELF. Here are the things.

THREE new All About photos
SEVENTY-TWO new found photos

Salut, children, Salut!

The next BONUS thing is a mousepad that I purchased at a flea market for fifty American cents.

Dare to dream! Perhaps one day we will all live in a Less Invasive Future(tm)! This reminds me of the ad for hypodermic needles that promised a "new level of injection comfort." It's around here somewhere, but good luck finding it. I call this place My First Firetrap(tm).

Finally, here is a possessed Bubbly Chubby, the Teletubbies knock-off.

The button-activated BLOOD RED eyes have been softened a bit by the unforgiving glare of the flatbed scanner, you know, just like Cybill Shepard on Moonlig--what's that, Bub? You want me to destroy the U.N. building? I HEAR AND OBEY MY MASTER, CHUBBLY BUBBLY. What? Oh, sorry. MY MASTER, BUBBLY CHUBBY.

Also, pretend I played a really funny April Fool's trick on you. Great. I mean something like maybe Cardhouse was bought out by some spineless corporate entity, or there is some kind of pending lawsuit, or something. Use your imagination! Less work for me. I have to go to New York now.

---- 1999jan17

Okay! I am back from my far-flung adventure! I have many stories to tell you, the home/work reader. I would especially like to thank Colin Maciness for tending to the big mess that is Cardhouse in my absence. But now, an emergency PSYCHIC READING!

Hiya. I wanta psychic reading! I'm a little worried that anyone who wastes so much time building a webpage as crappy as mine needs help. Let me know:

My car currently contains: 3 half-empty travel mugs full of cold tea. Kickboxing gloves. Pile of old napkins from Taco Hell, 1 first aid kit the size of a steamer trunk, 1 rollerblade, 1 FarSide calendar, 1 book on Banzai trees, 3 cans of coconut milk and the complete score to Vivaldi's "Gloria."

Help?
Livi (of Wagnerian fame) Henderson

Hrmmmm...I am getting a sense of a life that is "out-of-balance"...but "down-to-earth." I am also getting a reading, something about BOXING... is it "KICK" BOXING, sport of the future? I cannot say at this time.

I am also getting a psychic premonition of a building, no, of actually building, as in the verb. Are you a construction worker? Perhaps this is an avenue of employment that would agree with you.

I see some sort of bizarre mix of COLD TEA and COLA NUT MILK, no, scratch that, COCONUT MILK swirling around, this could be a new taste sensation that you will devise in the near future while listening to... while listening to I WILL SURVIVE by GLORIA GAYNOR.

Now I am seeing a TINY FOREST ... morphing into a set of dainty napkins. Maybe this is a sign that forestry would be a better career choice, maybe not.

---- 1999jan08

Mark Simple is on vacation. While he's away, Colin Maciness has volunteered to contribute to this ongoing dialogue with the world at large.
----
I am in way over my head with this project. I think that will become painfully obvious almost immediately. (Colin)

---- 1999jan07

This is not a solution. This is a nice little portable web browser machine that costs $500 yet can only be used 500 feet from the "base unit." I don't want to be tied down to a "base unit." I want to go all over the world with my little webpad, pointing at things, surfing Superbad in San Francisco and The Finger in Fresno, wherever, whatever. I would never be lost - I could just pull into a Starbucks, surf some crappy navigation site, and then leave without buying any coffee neener neener. And I would store all my stuff on the web, so I wouldn't have to swim through a paper sea every time I come home. That's how important this machine, this very-close-to-what-I-want-but-not-quite machine is. Very, very important. And it should make ice cream. And kittens that you could just give to strangers. "Here's a kitten," you could say, handing this person or that person a brand-spanking new manufactured kitten. Then, while they're all distracted by the cute little ball of fur, you bump them and take their wallet. I call it the Kitten Of Distraction Webpad Machine And Don't Forget The Ice Cream Port. Oh, and maybe a KEYBOARD [laughing hysterically].

---- 1999jan02

I have created the Official Cardhouse Song Of 1999. In addition, this song is the basis of the first Official Cardhouse Contest Of 1999 (open to anyone who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME). It goes like this. This song is an important hybrid of two very famous songs. You have to tell me the name of each song, who sung 'em, and the dates they were released (the songs, not the people who sang the songs).

The first TWO people who answer this correctly get a crappy magazine called "Macros." It's like taking candy from a baby, if I can "coin" a "phrase" here. I mean, I even mention one of the song titles! Look how smart you are, winning free stuff so soon into the new year!

The Stairway of The Edmund Fitzgerald
[all lines are from either song save the second and last one.]

[melody: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
and she's buying the Edmund Fitzgerald

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
And late that night when the ship's bell rang
Could it be the north wind they'd been feelin'?

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most
With a crew and good captain well seasoned

When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck
Sayin' "Fellas, it's too rough to feed ya"
In the tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
he said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya"

They might have split up or they might have capsized,
They may have broke deep and took water
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

[rockin' part] And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
[you may think the previous line is a fudge, but
Page and Plant fared no better in this area]
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying the Edmund...Fitzgerald...

[break into disco extravaganza from "MacArthur Park"
here, with a deft segue into "Live or Let Die," end
with machine gun sample from "Love Missile F1-11"]

---- 1998dec31

Blow me, 1998, you suck-ass [getting a good shoe on 1998, kicking it into the trash]. God I need a drink. Yoo hoo, Bigrig peoples! Who's yer favorite up-n-coming lushmeister? That's right. I am. Gimme drink. GIMME! Stupid YEAR!

---- 1998dec30

I have become a big fan of TUNA FISH SANDWICHES. When I was younger, back in the day, mom served up a stack of tunawiches, oh, I don't know, three, four times a week. Hey, don't get me wrong here, they were good, but after awhile, like anything, you kind of burn out on tuna fish sandwiches, and you don't eat anything even remotely tuna-like save tuna sushi, which is sort of like a micro tuna-fish sandwich, for another two decades. I mean, I don't. Not even most of the major components of a tuna fish sandwich - relish? Sure, maybe once every three years. Mayo - not on your life. Perhaps once in a Pennsylvania Subway when I was suffering from roadtrip lethargy. So one day, I was kicking myself trying to come up with a delightful lunchtime mealplan that somehow didn't involve various quarts of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and out of like NOWHERE I had this sudden craving for ... that's right ... tuna fish sandwiches. And those darling little cans! How can resist? So here's my secret tuna fish sandwich recipe.

TUNA FISH SANDWICHES

Ingredients: bread, two cans of tuna fish, mayonnaise, relish.

Directions: throw some bread in a toaster. mix up tuna fish, mayonnaise, and relish in a tupperware bowl to taste. throw it on the toast. makes four rockin' tuna fish sandwiches.

Tunafish YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

---- 1998dec28

Read all of the Mercedes-Benz Fantasy Drive Essay Contest winning essays! God, I think I'm actually going to puke!

---- 1998dec24

Acses is an incredibly smooth online bookstore price comparison website with a stupid name! I found out about via Robot Wisdom Netlog which you should be reading every day or else santa will leave a lump of radioactive rock in your sock this year.

---- 1998dec22

ele é gratuito! use mr. nomono hoje mesmo como camiseta; tatuagem; logotipo do seu açougue, asilo de veulinhos, fábrica de gelo ou organização de extrema direita!

---- 1998dec22

ICQ conversation.

The_Lorax: I just heard on the radio that there will be some kind of Anthrax Biological attack, perpetrated sometime in July next year, in New York City at Shea stadium.

Mark: is it sold out yet?

---- 1998dec21

I am shopping for another domain name for a fun little secret project that will probably never get off the ground because I'm an incompletist bastard. I was hoping to get donut.com, which really has nothing to do with the project but everyone likes donuts and donuts are easy to remember. Donuts! But of course some naming agency snapped that name up THE JERKOFFS. Now I am looking at alternatives like DONUTSINYOURFACE.COM or whatever. So here is a quick rundown of interesting donut-type domains that have nothing to do with your major donut vendors.

donutgirl.com - strange, but in a good way. Some photos, and then "products" (including scary '70s PHOTO CUBE) that feature the photos, but no way to purchase said products.

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

donutworld.com - a producer for Nippon Television Broadcast Network includes a few interviews with Hollywood people, a few projects, and looks through a donut hole on the main page.

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: Y
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: Y
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: Y
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: Y
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: Y

• USES DONUTS AS BUTTONS: N
• LINKS TO OTHER DONUT SITES: N
• USES DONUTS TO SHILL FOR JESUS: N

New stuff here:
99mar23 Dreamy Barney Top
99mar20 Doc: Winner of Una Paloma Blanca contest!
99mar12 Doc: Yugoslavian article on booth
99mar04 New All About entry + insightful commentary
99mar03 A Pencil That Is Wrong
99mar02 Haw Flakes Explode In Your Mouth!
99mar01 Thomace & Pan Take A Dump
99mar01 Command Post Doc Phone Booth
99feb25 More Donut Domains
99feb24 Swatchbeat ROCK!
99feb22 Doc: Stripper Bingo!
99feb22 Doc: New Psycho
99feb16 Pix: Children in Distress
99feb07 Dr. Berk on the SCIENCE of surfboards!
99feb07 Old zine reviews prettied up!
99jan11 Doc: The Books of Doc
[continued]

I moved the weblog because it was getting way too crowded on this page. [weblog]