Gallstone #9 April 6, 1999

I got a letter today, from the Baverly Hills Country Club, inviting me to join!

"I invite you to step into the BHCC and see the only club of its kind in Los Angeles! Appealing to the entertainment industry, residential neighbors, and business executives..."

[oooooh it sounds so *exclusive*...]

"... the social atmosphere and environment at the Club is such a perfect setting for the upscale, professional members... working out, or mingling at Happy Hour and parties."

[that's me, an upscale professional, and i LOVE to mingle!]

"Membership to the Beverly Hills Country Club is by invitation only."

[this was a bulk mailing, indicating at least a thousand pieces sent out]

"P.S. Perhaps the Club's best-kept secret- affordability. Depending on your age and which Membership you choose, initiation fees range from only $500 to $1,750!!"

[NEAT! for only that *pittance*, I can belong to the same club as some minor celebrities!]

[the "Board of Governors" includes barbara eden, bjorn borg, george hamilton, and wolfgang puck]

The letter is from "Charles Dyke", General Manager

OK, step by step on this minefield of horseshit.

I called BHCC and asked them why I was *invited* to join. got xferred to "Cindy". she said- "BHCC uses a direct-mail service, focussing on specific demographic and other factors" blah blah blah. So I said- "what factors exactly got me this wonderful invitation?" Cindy- "Could be where you live, professional affiliations..." Me- "But I want to know EXACTLY why you sent me this letter." Cindy- "ummmmm... Would you like to take a tour of our facilities?" Me-"No, clearly, I want to know why you sent me this *special invitation*". Cindy [flustered]- we use a direct-mail service for this kind of thing... I don't know how to contact them..." Me [sternly]-"I'm sure somebody there does."

"Cindy" said she'd look into this, and call me back right away... 45 minutes later- [after getting Cindy's voicemail 3 times]

Me-"Charles Dyke, please." Receptionist-"He's no longer with us." Me-"since when?" R-"beginning of March" Me-"I have a letter from him dated March 18..." R- "New membership?" Me- "yes, DON'T TRANSFER ME TO CINDY." R- uhhh, OK, here's Ann Victor" AV- "How can I help you?" Me-"I'm trying to find out why I got this in the mail" AV- "we have a limited # of openings..." Me- "yes, I can read the flyer. I want to know EXACTLY how you got my name." AV- "could be a referral from an existing member..." Me- "WHO?" AV- "I don't know but" Me- "Then it's not a referral is it? I value my privacy and you are stepping on it." AV- "we use demographi-" Me- "someone named Cindy said she'd call me back with the name of your direct-mailer. she isn't answering her phone for the last hour." AV- "maybe she's busy with a walk-in applicant or" Me- "yes of course she is. why don't YOU give me an answer?" AV- "I'll refer you to Barry Bunterbah, our VP. He'll call you." Me- "thank yo{click!}

I'm going to keep calling these clowns, and keep forcing them to make up new names of people who won't call back, until the beer runs out.

An exclusive invitation with *bulk mail* literally written all over it? fuck you, BHCC. if you really catered to "the entertainment industry, residential neighbors, and business executives..." you wouldn't be bulkmailing your transparent solicitations.

i mean, please. am i supposed to be starstruck here, and feel privileged to spend "from only $500 to $1,750!!" for initiation into the [oooooooohhh] BEVERLY HILLS COUNTRY CLUB? gimme a fucking break. my guess is, everybody in santa monica got this special, personal invitation, in hopes that a few hundred would puke up the initiation fee.

strangely, i kept stressing that i was upset about the invasion of my privacy, but nobody even twitched when i readily gave out my [unlisted] phone number every time they asked.

OOOH BOY I REALLY WANT TO JOIN THE BEVERLY HILLS COUNTRY CLUB SO I CAN HANG WITH CELEBRITIES AND FEEL IMPORTANT EVEN THOUGH I CANT REALLY AFFORD IT BUT WHO CARES ITS ONLY MONEY AND THIS IS A CLUB FULL OF FAMOUS PEOPLE AND THEY INVITED ME TO JOIN AND I FEEL SO IMPORTANT I JUST CANT STAND IT!

i'm still on the phone with various people at BHCC, trying to find out who they bought my name from-

"well it's just a solicitation, if you're not interested, just throw it away..." [but WHY are you mailing things to me?] "we're a very exclusive club- someone must've sponsored your invitation..." [but it's a BULK MAILING, indicating 1,000 pieces or more...] "we don't just send these out to anybody..." [fine. i already accept that statement as a lie. why are you sending this to ME?] "have you bought a house recently, or been involved in a major financial transaction?" [what if i have? i still want to know who sold you my name.] [and my faviorite, from a recent South African immigrant] "look, i get his kind of stuff in tha mail all the time- take it or leave it. why are you upsetting people in my office?"

No one at BHCC has an answer. apparently, it's OK to mail something to me, and refuse to accept any responsibility for it. this is akin to infomercial broadcasting, where the station airs a disclaimer before the show. but it IS your responsibility, BHCC, and all I want from you is an answer- why did you send this to me? I guess I'm not *allowed* to know. Pricks. thanks for listening!

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