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You grew up with crayons. You drew lime-green houses, you melted Crayolas on the heat register, you traded them for drugs when you got a little bit older. But now that you’re an adult, you’d like to “recapture” the “magic” of crayons, no, yes? But there’s something about colorful crayons that is just too kid-like. What you need is a more “grown-up” crayon. What you need ... is Staonal®, the adult-onset crayon. Created in 1900 by Binney & Smith, Staonal crayons look and smell just like their more popular brand, “Crayola,” but they’re about twice as large and carry with them the philosophy of a crayon geared toward industry. Staonal is called a “general marking crayon” on the package and on the paper that surrounds each crayon, and some reserved type on the side of the box indicates that Staonal Crayons are “available for many other marking purposes,” which is great because I thought maybe they had gone on vacation. Also, whereas Crayola Crayons are available in five billion color combinations including hues outside the visible light spectrum, Staonal is “Made in Black and Colors.” “Colors” seems to mean “red” and “seemingly-discontinued-twenty-years-ago yellow.” The listing at the website “Amazon.com” indicates that Staonal is “Not intended for children’s coloring purposes.” Keep your filthy hands off my Staonals, you dirty kids! Who are also rotten!

Staonal. A serious crayon for serious times.