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2010apr02. Friday. You will face many Fridays in your life. My job? Turn them into dainty chocolates. “Oh, hello!” That’s you, talking to the chocolates. Because they’re so fucking dainty.

2010apr02. I don’t think “Yahoo Finance” covered enough job interview mistakes so here are fifty more worster worstings.

51. Forgetting pants.

52. Remembering pants.

53. Asking interviewer for a delicious malted milkshake, “and don’t skimp on the malt, Charlie,” followed by a complicated physical send-off, like Pinky Tuscadero in the hit TV show “Happy Days.”

54. Secretly peeing behind shelves and/or filing cabinets. They’ll find out, trust me. There will be plenty of opportunities to mark territory once you land the position.

55. Foot binding. You, them, anyone. It is no longer practiced as of 1997 Q3.

56. Couch fort in reception area. It may seem safer, but it is a mind ruse, a self-delusion.

57. Offering sexual congress in exchange for employment, unless interviewer makes overt gestures to same. Be alert for exaggerated winking, finger-in-fingerhole pantomime, panting.

58. Not immediately answering the first conversational exchange with the following standard reply: “Okay, I KNOW this. Larry and Adam go over first – that’s two minutes, right? Bring Adam back, that’s another minute. Now we’re at three. Bono takes time off from saving Africa and goes over with The Edge, that’s ten minutes, so now we’re at thirteen total. Larry ditches the clods, that’s two minutes, total fifteen. Now Adam and Larry go back over, that’s seventeen total minutes. And scene.” Practice with flash cards.

59. Making too little eye contact; making too much eye contact; touching your own eyeballs; pressing your eyeballs against the interviewer’s eyeballs; touching the interviewer’s eyeballs while expressing a deep admiration for said eyeballs; opening up your briefcase to reveal rows of exquisite glass eyes mounted on a backing board covered with rich, luxurious black velvet; offering a trade.

60. Reading a comic book hidden by a pornographic magazine hidden by a contemporary novel, say the lusty delights of Rabbit is Rich by John Updike.

61. Describing your former porn career in excruciating detail; not describing your former porn career fully.

62-100. Seeming too casual; seeming too rehearsed; seeming not casual enough; seeming not rehearsed enough. Your elbow: there. Not there! Cross your legs! Don’t cross them! Up! Down! Assume the position! Sweat a little, no, that’s TOO MUCH! Your crotch itches, now what NOW WHAT. Scratch it ... discreetly ... not that discreetly! NO NOT THAT OPENLY!!! The interviewer begins to call security, but you reach over and hang up the phone! Now you’re got their attention! Run over, lock the door! No one gets in or out, see? Now how about that job. How about that job. [FX: blissfully itch crotch]