2010apr02. Friday. You will face many Fridays in your life. My job? Turn them into dainty chocolates. “Oh, hello!” That’s you, talking to the chocolates. Because they’re so fucking dainty.
- Record letter.
A letter that is a record. A record that transmits sound, not a record
that you would file in a filing cabinet. Though you could file a
sound-recording record. In the end, it’s your decision.
- Pierre Hermé’s Jour du Macaron.
In these economic times, Racing to get eight free macarons to acquire
35 additional free macarons makes fiscal/gastronomical sense.
- Ryan Frank’s Hackney Shelf.
- Ricardo the goose drinks from a water bucket.
- Here is an
a song called “Tik Tok.”
- I Am Not An Artist: An Animated GIF Paranoia About Non-Stop Design Workers. This is one of three or four sites on the web.
- Ben Folds does ChatRoulette in concert in tribute to ChatRoulette piano player Merton. Photos [via waxy and metafilter]
- Dew-covered insects.
Imagine waking up every day and having to deal with giant spheres of
water attached to your body. God. Life.
- Shatner. This is an interview in GQ magazine that is essential.
51. Forgetting pants.
52. Remembering pants.
53. Asking interviewer for a delicious malted milkshake, “and don’t skimp on the malt, Charlie,” followed by a complicated physical send-off, like Pinky Tuscadero in the hit TV show “Happy Days.”
54. Secretly peeing behind shelves and/or filing cabinets. They’ll find out, trust me. There will be plenty of opportunities to mark territory once you land the position.
55. Foot binding. You, them, anyone. It is no longer practiced as of 1997 Q3.
56. Couch fort in reception area. It may seem safer, but it is a mind ruse, a self-delusion.
57. Offering sexual congress in exchange for employment, unless interviewer makes overt gestures to same. Be alert for exaggerated winking, finger-in-fingerhole pantomime, panting.
58. Not immediately answering the first conversational exchange with the following standard reply: “Okay, I KNOW this. Larry and Adam go over first – that’s two minutes, right? Bring Adam back, that’s another minute. Now we’re at three. Bono takes time off from saving Africa and goes over with The Edge, that’s ten minutes, so now we’re at thirteen total. Larry ditches the clods, that’s two minutes, total fifteen. Now Adam and Larry go back over, that’s seventeen total minutes. And scene.” Practice with flash cards.
59. Making too little eye contact; making too much eye contact; touching your own eyeballs; pressing your eyeballs against the interviewer’s eyeballs; touching the interviewer’s eyeballs while expressing a deep admiration for said eyeballs; opening up your briefcase to reveal rows of exquisite glass eyes mounted on a backing board covered with rich, luxurious black velvet; offering a trade.
60. Reading a comic book hidden by a pornographic magazine hidden by a contemporary novel, say the lusty delights of Rabbit is Rich by John Updike.
61. Describing your former porn career in excruciating detail; not describing your former porn career fully.
62-100. Seeming too casual; seeming too rehearsed; seeming not casual enough; seeming not rehearsed enough. Your elbow: there. Not there! Cross your legs! Don’t cross them! Up! Down! Assume the position! Sweat a little, no, that’s TOO MUCH! Your crotch itches, now what NOW WHAT. Scratch it ... discreetly ... not that discreetly! NO NOT THAT OPENLY!!! The interviewer begins to call security, but you reach over and hang up the phone! Now you’re got their attention! Run over, lock the door! No one gets in or out, see? Now how about that job. How about that job. [FX: blissfully itch crotch]
Spots Unknown: Possibly The Best Use Of San Francisco In A Film
Ever. Sutro Baths alert.
- Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas Bloopers. Drum. [via metafilter]
- Sean Tejaratchi speaks of the conditions that led to Craphound magazine. [24 min]
- Death of “Caveman” ends an era in Idaho
- Grocery Eats. The man does not think highly of the sub sandwich.
- Can’t You See
- Onion: Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade.
At my ten-year reunion, a group of five of us were talking and one guy
said, “hey, do you remember the kid that x in the
seventh grade? [general laughter]” Oh I joined in,
brother. I joined in. Yeah, that
x. That was a hoot. Who was that guy. Who was he.
- The Intern Experiment.
I would totally do this. On either side of the equation. I mean, if I
had a room/board to provide. Do I? [FX: checking
noises] No. I do not.
- Astoria Scum River Bridge.
- Phantograph: As Far As I Can See, When I’m Small.
- Ben Hughes: Sack. Sack.
- Andalou et Miriam: Sabali.
- Naked Raygun: Bananacuda. As I mentioned before, this is the greatest guitar solo in the history of the universe ever and forever.
- Sifl & Olly: United States of Whatever. Some days I need this on infinite repeat.