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2008oct01. This ... this.

2008oct01. Woof Wellness Water, fortified water for dogs. Explores the same basic space as the now-defunct ThirstyDog!/ThirstyCat! dog/cat fortified water product, and that other dog water that I can’t remember the name of and may have also failed. This is a good product that will be good for dogs because all bottled water is good and bottled water for your pets is even better. Damn I love America, we’re all “You know what? We flush our waste down with potable water, we make little stubby bottles of water for kids, and we pump vitamins into water then we sell that to our pets. We shelve that fucking dog water product, and I could drink out of the toilet if I wanted to.” WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE ARE GODS

2008oct01.

What ever happened to microwave cookbooks?

Off the cuff of my jacket, I would guess that the real question is why did microwave cookery exist in the first place. We all know what the microwave is used for in the kitchen – to quickly warm foods that can practically be heated in their own container without tasting like ass and for grape races. It is not a place to prepare a turkey or roast, or even shrimp fried rice. It is a shortcut that is not always the best course of action. But what did the manufacturers of microwaves think the microwave was going to be used for? That’s right, they thought it was going to be a total oven replacement system. I would imagine that manufacturers first came out with their own cookbooks and then independent authors piled on afterward. Eventually, some collective irrational beliefs dissipate (“Government helps more than it harms” ... no wait, that one is still hanging around); the cookbook fade-out I would attribute to the growth of its ubiquitous nature in the household. Perhaps you bought a microwave when they first come out, and then, under the spell of misguided optimism, you also bought a microwave cookbook. Because it was a New Thing. But instead, pretend you are buying a microwave in 1996. Come on, you’re not entertaining foreign dignitaries, you just want to nuke some goddamned Pepperoni-like Substance™ Hot Pockets® and toxically delicious diacetyl-slathered popcorn ... your microwave cookbook can stuff it. PS: As a microwave user of many years, I recommend you avoid purchasing a microwave with a dial timer (ie, non-digital) ... it’s like buying a car with a manual transmission that only has 3rd through 5th. Yes, mysteriously, these are still manufactured (someone’s going to have to tell me why “commercial” microwaves cost ~4x more).

2008oct02. How Can Anyone Think Voting Matters? [via doc]

[D]uring the mid-1980s, [vice presidential candidate] Biden was the chief senate architect of the federal anti-drug laws that re-established mandatory minimum sanctions for various drug possession crimes, and established the racially based 100-to-1 sentencing disparity for crimes involving the possession of crack versus powder cocaine. Many academics have credited Biden’s law as one of the primary reasons why America now possesses the highest incarceration rate of any country in the world, and why approximately one out of every nine young African-American males are now in prison.

“I’m saying it doesn’t matter who wins since the winners are simply proxies for the game within the game.” I like that. “Game within the game.” Oh wait, shhhhSHHHH, here comes Rove’s analysis of today’s debate! Squeeeeee

2008oct05. The Deuce of Clubs Book Club celebrates National Atheist Week:

Why I Became An Atheist – John W. Loftus

The End of Faith – Sam Harris

Godless – Dan Barker

Secret Origins of the Bible – Tim Callahan

The Dark Side: How Evangelical Teachings Corrupt Love and Truth – Valerie Tarico

And somehow I missed the CrimeThInc entry.

2008oct12. Friday. Or Sunday. It could be either, really.

Goosing Up Commodity Prices.
Elyse Sewell: Ice skating crutches for kids.
Loss of civil liberties since 9/11 [via doc]
Leeches: Your Humble Tempest Prognosticator.
bird
Nik-L-Nip ended production? NOOOOOO
HOLD THE GUN UP TO THE T.V. SHOOT THE DUCK.
Everyone loves Shipley’s Do-Nuts!
Lowfat Diet & Sunscreen: A Recipe for Disaster.
Light cycle escapes its own reality, man.
Carisman. When is official Carisman® vinyl action figure? CARISMAN
Solar power a century ago: The Beautiful Possibility.
Cake Wrecks: Meta Cake Wrecks. Why does laughing sometimes sound like crying?
Howard Zinn interview Al Jazeera: US in need of rebellion. Oh god, they’re coming to get me ... [furiously chomps apple pie while playing baseball and saluting flag with crumb-speckled hands]*
Adam Savage of Mythbusters discusses building a dodo sculpture, replicating the Maltese Falcon, and talks about the show.
Damage control: high-fructose corn syrup ad. “You know, HFCS comprises 72% of the average American’s body weight. Let’s make it 80%.”
Very Small Array: The Slow Death of the Instrumental.
Zero Punctuation: Spore

* This reminds me of an old “upcoming” video game release trailer for a game called “Indy Dungeon Baseball” which was part of a game triptych prepending our magnum opus, Pizza Guy Detective 2000 or something like that. Which was never finished. Anyway, the trailer was going to have a single image – A baseball player with a bloody mace, standing in front of a Corvette parked on home plate. And then there was the audio. The audio was the important part, it put you right there on the 50-yard-line of a game which was at times baseball, at other times dungeon exploration, and at other other times a fast-paced Indy racing game, and really, all three at the same time, improbably. Which is why ... audio. In next Friday’s footnote, I’ll tell you all about how fun it is to film real live bees for a similar fakeroo video game. BEES

2008oct23. Greenspan 2008: “Dude, it totally weren’t me who let the cow out of the barn, causing our Current Special Economic Period.” Greenspan 1966: “Take a look at those shitholes who done let the cow out of the barn what caused the Great Depression.” Please Greenie, just shut up, go home, and watch “Wheel of Fortune” forever while obsessively licking your gums or making low humming noises, your pick.

I was flying over the Southwest on Southwest as I am wont to do on a daily basis, and in the next seat over was an elderly Baton Rouge woman with a semi-beehive. I told her about the multiple beverage trick (you can ask for an orange juice, an apple juice, a water (it’s in cans, not from the icky hold), and more, all in one go, if you’d like, on Southwest, for now; maybe JetBlue still). Then she pulled out a Time Magazine and on the cover was Obama, McCain, FDR, and Lincoln. We went through the list of offenses – I pointed out Bush likes to compare himself to Lincoln which is appropriate given his spying on Americans/suspension of Habeus Corpus, she pointed out FDR’s internment of Japanese Americans. We didn’t have to cover Obama/McCain after she said “you’re just like me, you don’t trust any of them.” We didn’t have to worry about the multiple snack trick because the flight attendant held the tray right in your face and pretty much said go nuts. I read me some Lorna Doone even though it’s built by scientists in an underground chemical lab.

2008oct25. Announcement, Southwest Airlines, McCarran International Airport, Las Vegas. Paraphrased.

“Your attention please, we have a message for Wilbur [Lastname]. Your girlfriend called, she says her car broke down and she can’t pick you up. She indicated you should take the twenty-three dollars you have and take a taxi toward Garyville as far as it can get you, and then to call her on her cellphone.”

Announcement, Southwest Airlines, McCarran International Airport, Las Vegas. Paraphrased. Five days later.

“Your attention please, we have a message for Wilbur [Lastname]. Your brother called, his car isn’t starting and he said you should take a cab to aunty’s house in Hayward.”

2008oct28. Hold your noses, folks, we’re going in: Sky Mall.

THE ANIMATRONIC SINGING AND TALKING ELVIS. This is the animatronic Elvis, a singing and talking robotic bust adorned with The King’s trademark leather jacket, sideburns, and pompadour, recalling the musical icon’s performance during the highest-rated television event of 1968 – Elvis Presley’s Comeback Special. [ ... ] Integrated infrared sensors in his jacket detect ambient motion, prompting Elvis to say “bring it on back now” or another famous Elvis remark as you walk by, and the device has 37 monologues recorded from interviews that play at the touch of a button. On the bright side, one day in the semi-distant future the last person in this product’s target demographic will die. $199.95

FEEL THE ENERGY AS YOU DISCOVER THE SECRET POWER OF INTENT. Imagine the ENERGY you’ll feel surrounded with over 200 positive words in 15 different languages in our new Intentional™ Hoody! This is not your ordinary hoody! Why? Fact: Research shows that written words on containers of water can influence the water’s structure for better or worse depending on the nature or intent of the word. Fact: The human body is over 70% water. What if positive words were printed on the inside of your clothing? Introducing Intentional™ a new concept in clothing by Creo Mundi. Most everyone will miss hilariously fraudulent products like this when the economy craters. $79.00

PETS WHO NEED A LITTLE HELP GETTING UP ONTO FURNITURE WILL APPRECIATE THE FOLD-AWAY PUPSTEPPLUS™. It’ll be easier for older pets, pets with joint problems, or even just tired pets, to get up on their favorite couch, chair or bed for a well-deserved snooze. $39.99

THE PET RAMP AND STAIRCASE. Unlike lesser pet staircases that are difficult to climb for arthritic or older pets, this one converts into a ramp, providing pets with access to sofas or beds without exerting much strain on joints and muscles. $199.95

PETVATOR WILL LIFT YOUR PET IN COMFORT. Fuck those other two animal ramps, this nanotech carbon-fiber pet elevator will help your elderly pet reach the top of your bed where it will shower you with licky slobbery kisses. Did it just eat its own shit? Who knows. At least your MILLION GERM ELIMINATING TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH SANITIZER will keep your toothbrush relatively free of germs. 59 Elvis interview monologues included; plays randomly during ascent/descent. $1995.99

2008oct30. Cockeyed: Halloween candy codes. These are great, perfect presentation. I was just wondering the other day how Werther’s came to be so closely associated with the elderly, the horribly, horribly old. Was there a commercial or two that I missed “back in” “the day”? Well, I’ve thought enough about that, so on to the Next Thinking Topic! [sfx: grunting noises]

2008oct31. RIP Studs. Excerpts from Hard Times.

2008oct31. OCTUPUS WATCH: Otto is awesome


Book: Animals in Translation Book: Pranks! Book: Adrift - 76 Days Lost At Sea Book: Secret Language of Sleep Book: Consider the Lobster