2007sep13. Mail.
What’s with bandaids, are they back in style?
Here’s the thing. You don’t get the metal box any more, you don’t get the red string anymore. That’s where it was at, but they blew it. The box, the string. Gone. So now you go to the drug store, and you sit looking at fifty kascrillion options for bandages – sport bandages, office bandages, bandages for pets, extreme bandages, bandages for the recently deceased, scented bandages including grape which never smells like grape because what does grape smell like, Chillow™-branded bandages, clear bandages, new classic regular flavor bandages, dyspeptic bandages, mouth bandages for the B&D curious, transparent mystery glo-in-the-dark bandages, feral bandages, Shinto splints, bandages with caviar creme centers, bandages featuring tiny representations of inane plotless cartoon characters du jour, bandages 2.0 (these have rounded corners and simultaneously no one gives a shit), variety-pak® bandages that have one type of bandage you have no idea how to use so it’s always the last one you use like putting a tiny round bandage on a sucking chest wound, dazzle camouflage bandages from the 1940s, 3-D bandages – and none of them are right for your current wound and they all cost so much money. I am recommending – as a doctor – a potent salve of Miracle Whip® mayonnaise immediately followed by a slice of high-quality bologna. The bonus thing here is that if your wound is actually caused by a botfly, the botfly will wriggle out of your flesh, hungry for delicious bologna, as we all are. The hot new style is actually casts that you can hide foodstuffs in. So you’re talking to a friend about your skiing accident and suddenly you’re chomping down on a mouth-watering sammich. Your friend has no idea where that sammich came from. What a corker.
