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RARRRRRRRR!!!! Rarr rarrrr rarrr meow rarr?
RARRRRR!!! Rarr. Rarrr rarr J-List rarrrr.

2007mar02. I turn to CNN occasionally when I want to know what’s happening in my local community. This area, right now, for example, is besieged by helicopters. CNN has the answers.

LATEST NEWS
Smith’s body arrives in the Bahamas
Angelina Jolie files to adopt in Vietnam
AP: We ignored Paris Hilton

2007mar04. Hasty, semi-competent design for a recent competition. The fish is from a 1950s issue of Holiday magazine. Note to self: four by six inches is actually quite large. I wanted to go all Dr. Bronner on the shit but thought I had space constraints. Ummm, no.

The mouse is from one of my favorite pieces of internet humorality. It’s dry like a desert. Love. It.

2007mar08. From Deuce of Clubs: Dishonest Abe Hanged on President’s Day. Dude’s launchin’ an illegal war, tappin’ your line and suspending Habeas Corpus. Someone explain to me why we need government again?

2007mar10. It was very active around here for a good two weeks and now everything has settled down way, way too much. Like, I should be happy that I’ve got this big wad of free time to stare at dictionaries of dictionaries of lists of dictionaries or whatever, but I’ve been doing that for five months now and my mind is going cross-eyed. The screaming, that is me. Also the clawing. I’m dreadfully sorry about the clawing. We should go out for coffee sometime, except I don’t drink coffee so I’ll just have a desserty item if that’s cool. I like coffee ice cream though, and that frozen coffee thing, and coffee beans, everything coffee-ee except coffee-coffee. God that was boring.

THEN I WENT TO THE PARK AND THE SYCAMORE TREES MELTED UNICORNS ALL OVER MY ASS

2007mar10. Mail.

doc: so did anyone explain to you why we need government?

No. Answer pending.

I have found that no one answers anything I ask of them on the site anymore. Your readers are still 200x more lively than mine. I think perhaps it’s all the turkey we ate? You know, tryptophan plus my great aunt nattering on about the war.

2007mar12. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ANDREW RIDGELEY I DO NOT THINK THIS ARTICLE IS LONG ENOUGH

2007mar12. Standing on the Box: Caring.

2007mar13. PEEL ETCH FUN

2007mar13. Flickr: The car is sniffing around for food.

2007mar13. Clips from Frontline’s News War.

2007mar14. Mail.

Me and my friends started our own 3 man pool league last year, and this year we developed a game we called “speed pool.”After playing for 2 weeks, I got online to see if anyone else had tried this. I then saw your website. We play it a bit differently, we use 1 cue ball. The ball has to be hit while on the move, if it stops, it is called a “dead ball” and the last person to touch it gets a free hit. If the cue ball is knocked off the table or into a pocket, it is called “out of bounds” and the ball is awarded to the person that did not touch it last. We have 15 balls on the table, the first person to get 8 in wins. I think your style is good also, so we will be trying it out one of these nights. We also do a coin flip to see who breaks first. The balls are racked anyway that the referee wishes, scattered, in a triangle, straight line, etc.

Also, have you really played this in a bar? That would be the funniest damn thing to see lol.

Joe M.
Mexico, NY

Joe, thanks for the choice. You are from ... Mexico. No, New York. It’s hard to decide. Anyway, thanks for noting your Speedpool variant. We never actually played it in a bar, this was back when I was trying to cultivate more of a “hard ass” image on Cardhouse. Now I don’t care, which, ironically enough, makes me more of a “hard ass.” Or not. Or maybe this entire paragraph is filled with lies. Maybe this is being typed by a rat. It’s an unknown. I have licorice and leftover pizza, though. That much is a given. Do rats like licorice?

2007mar14. Mail.

I know you’ve tinkered with it before, but something is very messed up with your feed. Whenever there’s a new entry, it also sends nine prior ones. Not the nine IMMEDIATELY prior, mind you, nine semi-random early ones. This makes it hard to read, especially when you’ve written two entries, and they’re located somewhere in a mass of posts from months earlier.

Just throwing that out there.

Yours, etc.

Yes, I know this and it vexes me. Perhaps I will dive in again and fix it finally once and for all today. Stay tuned.

2007mar14. Air Traffic Controller quotes of a humorous nature.

2007mar14. Dear Technorati:

What in the hell is that font? Have you gone insane? If so, can I have your CDs?

Years ago I would have traced through the source code to see if this was my problem or their problem. But now, it is 2007, it is their problem. My photo-editing program doesn’t recognize my new scanner? Canon’s problem, not mine. My new peppy rugged USB-powered hard drive doesn’t like my new goddamned Belkin USB 2.0 card? Belkin’s problem, Seagate’s problem. Not mine. You’re all pikers.

I solve all my problems with hammers now. I don’t have time for this shit. 2007.

2007mar15. More testing of the feed. Hold on to your hats, sorry for disturbance, etc.

2007mar16. I need to borrow a paper shredder and a burn barrel. Who amongst us has these items? Who amongst us within driving distance? I have sloughed off all pretense of addressing my website yammerings to anyone but people who already converse with me on a semi-regular basis.

“Yammerings.” In a real scripty font. Bickham Script and Bickham Expert. And then a big “COUNTRIFIED” slathered over it on an angle in a Westerny font. Or MICR, I’m not picky today.

2007mar16. I’ve asked the United States government for transport across the country in the near future. The government will provide a diesel-powered locomotive to this end. I will also eat government-supplied food while on board this conveyance. It’s an exciting time to be me. I’m so close to giggling out loud. “Oh, this is going to suck so hard ... ” I will have plenty of hours to contemplate my error.

2007mar18. I was listening to KLF’s Chill Out while waiting for the updated Acrobat Reader (makes frowny face) to download and it started up with the part where you can hear a railroad crossing gate and a train trundling by and when it got to 100% the train blew its horn. I think it should do that for every download that lasts longer than 10 seconds. My OS would be the awesomenest.

2007mar18. I’ve said this before, at least twice, but this time ... I might mean it: the feed is fixed. You should use this address: http://feeds.feedburner.com/cardhouse. Let’s all hold our breath until I get to 25 entries.

2007mar20. I have a twitter account. That brings me up to 47,392 social networking site accounts. You should “be my friend” on Twitter. Then you can keep up with what I do. Because I know you want to. “What’s he up to?” you would think upon rising, or while sipping tea. Now you will never ask that question again.

2007mar21. Occasionally I update the Trader Joe’s FAQ. This would be one of those occasions.

2007mar25. Ebay: Zombies vintage tin.

2007mar25. Got to burn a giant wad of old personal and X Magazine business in my friend’s brand-new Chiminea (from a random Chiminea FAQ: “Most people are under the impression that they must have a truck or van to transport their Chiminea from the store to their home. This is not the case. In fact it is easier to set the Chiminea in a car seat and fasten a seat belt around it much like a person”). While I was shovelling in checks he grabbed one at random, it had Bill Griffith’s signature on it. Good to hang out with my old friend fire for awhile. I was all like “we could totally cook an awesome pizza in this” and my friend was all like “you’re smoking crack” and I was like “no, I’m smoking crack and this is a pizza-worthy appliance.” The opening is too small for big pizzas, though ... have to fold ‘em.

2007mar27. Time Magazine ran a piece about online comics. “Comic strips in newspapers are dying,” reads the article. Big slabs of writing devoted to Achewood and other online strips. Now, for all the money, guess how many URLs are in the article. I mean besides the linkbegs at the end.

Time Magazine. You’re old. So very, very old. It’s time for you to go to sleep. Here, I brought you your bible ... and you can drink some of this warm milk [CUT TO: kitchen counter with CARTON OF MILK and BOX OF RAT POISON on it], it will help you sleep.

2007mar29. The Trader Joe’s FAQ has been updated. Words used: contraindication, kicks, aioli, prudent, dignitaries, hoof.

2007mar30. Tony Hawks (the comedian) answers mis-directed email for Tony Hawk (the skateboardist).

hi all.can you please send me some trick tipsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Conceal the six of spades up your sleeve.

TH

2007mar30. You need to move cash from one part of your store to another, but it’s the 1880s. Our futuristic flying Ca$h$ta$h robots are nowhere to be found. What to do? What to do? Jesus, don’t wet yourself, get yourself a cash railway. Now who’s got a Cheshire Cat grin? That’s my little shopkeeper. [pause] I’ll get some towels.

2007mar31. Flickr: A box of junk from Chuck Palahniuk.


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