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RARRRRRRRR!!!! Rarr rarrrr rarrr meow rarr?
RARRRRR!!! Rarr. Rarrr rarr J-List rarrrr.

2007feb01. Sugar mail.

Good day

We are an export company currently exporting sugar from Brasil to the USA in containers at very competitive prices.

Hence this to further our business relationship in regards to the procurement and import of sugar in the manufacturing of your end product.

Trust you find this in order

Kind regards

What kind of sugar? How much sugar can you provide in a week’s time? When you say containers, do you mean shipping containers? Do you have photos of these containers?

Dear Sir

We have 12 500 mt ICUMSA 100-150 max available now at the port of Paranagua at $355 FOB.

The containers are 20ft and we fit 20mt per container in 50kg pp bags.

Trust you find this in order

Kind regards

What? Paranagua? That’s FOB to an East Coast port, I’m not paying to truck it across the U.S., and they’re not going to pay to bring it through the Panama canal to L.A ... .No deal. Gotta let him down easy.

Mr. Smith:

We have found another supplier for our sugar. Thank you for being patient.

J. Stondec


2007feb05. Achewood: Morgan Freeman calls bullshit on this month’s featured tostada.

2007feb05. A swell anti-spambot idea: negative captcha (wow, that’s a weird Digg entry, all the words are spelled correctly). I got rid of 95% of my contact spam by limiting the number of URLs you can type in the text body. And that number would be one (1).

2007feb06. I’ve been wanting to score some of this miracle fruit ever since I first read about it over three hundred years ago. But now the guy that is selling it in the US is jacking his prices and you know how I hate price-jackers. Perhaps someone will ferret out another supplier. There can’t be just one guy. One miracle fruit dude. With a uniform. You look at it, it’s white, and then again, and it’s some sort of rainbow thing that touches your mind, but in a good way, not like tie-dye with its negative cultural associations (ex: hippies).

2007feb06. Here’s some miracle fruit pills in Japan ... this article indicates it’s 3990 yen for a package of ten ... so, assuming it’s ever imported, add some more $$$ on top of that, and you’re looking at five, six dollars a pill. Nah, that’s okay. But the product is labelled “Mysterious Fruit” which I like better.

Wait, now I like “Miracle Fruit” better.

Back to “Mysterious.” Soon there will be a champion.

2007feb06. Astronauts.

2007feb07. Two days ago I was flipping channels and came across a documentary about a Japanese scientist who is using catfish to predict earthquakes. Seems the fish are extremely electromagnetically sensitive, so you put ‘em in a tank, put a webcam on ‘em, you’re golden. Today, completely utterly randomly again, I ran across the Digital Catfish earthquake predicting produkt. Their website: 3Soft. The catfish has a heart on its chest and there is Braille on the front of the infernal device. The Catfish cares. Perhaps one day they will come out with a port to Bowlingual so pets will be warned as well.


2007feb08. Mail.

sorry I ever came across this web site. Hope your on the next terroist airplane or other attack.

see ya in hell

I think the terramists are going to attack us with a train next. Mix things up, keep it lively. “We, on the surface, would like to hijack this train and take it to Honduras. But ... we have a hidden, 'sub’-plan. And it’s not a submarine! Hahaha, little travel humor there.” I’ve injected a touch of humanity into the theoretical terrorist. But unfortunately the train was delayed for fourteen hours in Moline and the terrorists didn’t have enough money for the shitty microwave pizza from the sullen snack bar man and they died of starvation the end. Ghost Train M.D. is now playing at your local cinema, ask the bellboy about times and locations

2007feb11. Interview: Evan Dorkin.

2007feb15. New Yorker: The Origami Lab.

2007feb15. Nut Lady kicked it. RIP Nut Lady.

2007feb16. Joe Rogan is a comic/actor person guy whom you may have seen as the host of thee barrel-scrapin’ “Fear Factor” show and in the swell comedy series “NewsRadio.” But forget all that. Read his thing about how Santa Claus is a magic mushroom. I know, you can’t parse that sentence. Don’t worry about it. Read the whole thing, then get back to me. Trust me. Read it.

2007feb16. Discoveries! WAV isn’t a format, it’s something whispered on the other side of a gym. “What? I think he said ‘freml header 207 blurrrrrrrrb.’” Thanks, Microsoft!

2007feb16. Pranking the Super Bowl is madness. The folks at Zug and Cockeyed went for broke and social-engineered their way into the stands (“We’re the completely fictitious PEPSI STREET TEAM!!!! YAYYYYY!”) to distribute 2000+ “light party packs,” claiming that they would spell “PRINCE” during the half-time show. However, the lights were distributed in a non-Prince manner. But ... Half Time is LeakStretchRe-Gorge Time. It appears as though there wasn’t enough redundancy in the system to account for the attrition. Horizontally, it looks like a badminton-playing crab about to be run over by an automobile. Vertically, it looks like one of the figures in Guernica enjoying a delicious chicken drumstick.

Perhaps it is a message to space. Whatever it is, I tip my hat to all those involved just for the mind-wracking cojones. The cojones, they were wracked. By the mind.

2007feb18. I’m going to trim the edges. I’m using the edge-trimmer. Look at me go. Trimming. Edges. Now my lawn is a well-defined rectangle. Hot nuts. Woo dog. Neighbor’s got a rectangle. Other neighbor’s got a rectangle. We all have rectangles. We got it all figured out.

Some edge trimmers sound like dental tools. This makes them 12.3x more awesome. Christ, he’s done, now it’s too quiet.

2007feb18. Mail.

we are the tin can factory in China.

We are the tin can factory in America. We are sworn enemies, vowing our allegiance to tin cans and to crush all foes. I see you own the Japan advanced PRIMEXP452 printing machine. We own the Japan advanced PRIMEXP457 printing machine. We are four better than you in the area of Japan advanced printing. What is that noise that I hear? Is it your knees, trembling and knocking together? Yes. It is. Watch your back, Shenzhena Baoan District Guanlan Jianmei Can Co., Ltd. Watch. Your. Back.


John Tungsten

2007feb21. On Monday, the department issued an advisory, asking people to not put their cats in the bags. Reference: Pets with Heads in Bags of Food.

2007feb21. I’m all about the Potential Industry Earnings.

2007feb22. Flickr: Filthy Wal-Mart.

2007feb22. Achewood: Secret Menu at Taco Bell.

2007feb23. A list of “Games for the Little Ones/Older Girls Indoors/Outdoors” as seen in The Young Lady’s Book: A Manual of Amusements, Exercises, Studies, and Pursuits.

Looby Looby, Water my Chickens, Mulberry Bush, The Hatchet, Goose, Hunt the Slipper, Fly Away, Contradiction, Blind Man’s Buff, Even or Odd?, Hissing and Clapping, Hot Broad Beans, Orange and Lemons, The Turkey Merchant, Old Soldier, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water, Tin-Tan, Twirl the Trencher, The Angler and the Fish, One, Two, and Three, Yes and No, The Muffin Man, Shall John Marry Sue?, The Quaker’s Meeting, Dumb Crambo, A Fashionable Dinner, Can You Guess It, The Bouquet, The Mysterious Circle, My Lady’s Toilet, The Lawyer, Cross Questions and Crooked Answers, Game of Eyes, Judge and Jury, Trades, A Blind Judgment, Famous Numbers, Words and Questions, Spanish Merchant, Shadows in Disguise, How, When, and Where?, What’s my Thought like?, Proverbs, Making a Will, Ragman’s Roll, Consequences, Game of Planting, The Reviewers, Comical Concert, Russian Scandal, Magic Music, Metamorphoses, Stool of Repentance, Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, Parlour Fortune Telling, Why and Because, The Woodcutter, Piano, Flower Game, Trial by Fire, Ebenezer, do you hear?, Verbarium, Celebrated Characters, Rhyming Proverbs, Confession Book, Names in Disguise, Spelling Game, Buried Cities, Forfeits, Flower Dolls, Flower Chains, Rush Baskets, Melon-seed Birds, “I have a Little Dog,” Take Care!, Soap-bubbles, The Snake, Silly Sheperdess, Cat and Mouse, Tom Tiddler’s Ground, Hoop and Skipping-rope, Touch Wood, Honey-pots, Touch He, Puss in the Corner, French Roll, Five Geese in a Flock, The Jingler, Catch Ball, Hide and Seek, The Surprise, Follow my Leader, The Stone.

“Water my chickens” was a favorite of mine. But I don’t see Mr. Tiddly’s 3-D Bank Facade, The Game of Hiding Forever, “The Grotto, The Grotto, Oh The Grotto,” Eyeballs Come Out, The Water Cure in Reverse, Wilding Freaks Chew on a Governess, Cat King, Braining, Is It Potable?, Digging a Grave, Cutters Extreme, No Pants Dance, “What Am I Thinking NO It Is of the Most Perfect Wedding Ever Which Is Also Mine,” Nintendo Wii Sports Bowling, Peaches and Herb, You’re No Better Than The Rest of Us Girl Gang Initiation Beat-Down, The Pretzel Twister® World Pretzel Eating Championship 1887, Dog King, We Will Live and Die without Witnessing the Invention of the “Bedazzler” Home Appliance, Morosely Standing Under That Shitty Playground Thing That You Throw Stuff in and it Comes Out of One of Four Holes Big Fucking Whoop, It’ll Grow Back, The Random Child Who is Systematically Shunned by Others Under the Guise of Amusement and Develops a Social Awkwardness That Subconsciously Hinders and Haunts Her Throughout All of Her Days, The Unstable Jaw-Cracking Spinning Bitch, Does This Taste Like One of Your Pets?, What’s THAT?, The Unwary Shopkeeper and the Barrel of Delicious Rock Candy, A Fancy Druggist’s Medicine in Your Mother’s Notion Cabinet That is Taken to Temporarily Create Phantasmagorical Images of Hell-Bound Insanity Within the Mind’s Eye, Cat Dog King Mixed Regionals, The Creation and Dissemination of Small Published Tracts Expounding on the Futility of America’s Burgeoning Thirst for Empire Vis-a-vis the Spanish-American War Even Though That’s Ten Years in the Future, Tack Jewelry.

2007feb24. Mail.

i like to know were i can buy GUACAMOLE ( kosher)in n.y


Mail me pudding.

Mail Me Pudding
Box 2 0 7 0
Berkeley CA 94702

Vanilla. Chocolate. Tapioca. Pumpkin Spice*.

Mail me pudding.

* Offered Seasonally.

2007feb24. Mail. Me Pudding.

Can I know where can I get these candy smokes? I would love to purchase

Mail me pudding.

Mail Me Pudding
Box 2 0 7 0
Berkeley CA 94702

You can put a 39-cent stamp on a 79-cent box of pudding. You can do this. I believe in you.

Mail me pudding.

2007feb24. Mail. Pudd.

Do you know where I can purchase Little Bull Dog candy cigarettes?

Thank you for any help you may be able to offer.

David and Trevor

Want. Pudding.

Pudding, Etc.
Box 2 0 7 0
Berkeley CA 94702

It doesn’t even need its own envelope. I’ve covered this.

2007feb25. Mail.

Your site is boring

You didn’t get my package in the mail? That would have livened things up a bit. Well, give me a holler if ya get it!

2007feb26. I sat at home today knowing that the package delivery service (PDS) was going to make a delivery. Somehow the guy snuck a note onto the door and split. So I was all like “I’ll sit around programming for four hours.” Then I went to do some errands and saw a PDS truck in the neighborhood. “I could ... chase them down.” I’m a fast thinker, on my toes. It’s not that I was in a hurry to get this package (it was one of those boxes that you open and a boxing glove on a spring comes out and punches you in the face), but the longer it was with PDS the more likely it would be delivered unto me as a pile of colored grit. So I hit the first truck and the guy gave me a quick overview of their “loops” so I could prowl, much like the shark (special for Brody), and find my prey. It’s strange how you can change your worldview so fast ... all of sudden, there were delivery trucks EVERYWHERE. You don’t notice them normally, sneaking around the garden, hiding in the pool, etc. The second PDS truck driver explained some more about the loops and the third truck guy got away while I was talking to the second. The fourth truck driver had my package and said some scammer once came up to him with a tag and the truck driver asked for ID and the guy gave him his non-matching ID. Wow, I guess that didn’t work out for the tag-stealer. The driver gave me my box. “Lemme just check this ... ” [FX: the narrator is punched by a concealed, spring-loaded mechanical device] “ ... uhhhwuhhh ... okay, we’re good! Thanks!”

I highly recommend this sort of game of “cat and mouse,” where the hunter ... becomes the hunted! Perhaps you can hide next time your favorite PDS comes a-callin’, sit around sipping your favorite non-alcoholic beverage for a spell, then go out and hunt the most dangerous prey ... man!

2007feb27. Flickr: Harris’s Slap Up Tog and Out and Out Kicksies Builder.

2007feb28. The graphic design of Idiocracy.

Either a designer with a wicked sense of humor was hired to create the myriad of logos of real and invented corporations, or they simply tagged LogoWorks and asked them to do their best work.

BooyaaAAAA! Righteous type designer smackdown! LogoWorks was accurately derided.

Book: Animals in Translation Book: Pranks! Book: Adrift - 76 Days Lost At Sea Book: Secret Language of Sleep Book: Consider the Lobster