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RARRRRRRRR!!!! Rarr rarrrr rarrr meow rarr?
RARRRRR!!! Rarr. Rarrr rarr J-List rarrrr.

2007dec01. “My toxicology tests indicate that the victim died of mesothelioma .” Now available at Toys ‘R’ Us.

2007dec01. The Sneeze Investigates: Unlocking the Secrets of Cake Face [1 2 3].

2007dec01. Deuce of Clubs: Automatic writing.

2007dec04. Exciting New Advertising Technology Yearns For Attention From Slew Of Baseball Bats

2007dec05. Upkeep of cable cars.

2007dec07. Friday Freeday. By state law, you don’t have to actually work today, you just sit on your little seat there and click on things that show you other things. Apologies to those who normally stand in front of the computer.

Japanese game show: treadmill madness. What makes the game is the starter’s pistol. “Okay, everybody get ready ... “
Imogene Heap: Just For Now.
Mr. Show: Van Hammersly
French v. German Nutella: CRACKING THE CODE
Cartoon gaming reviews by Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw. I rarely “game” these days (two hours a year, say) but these videos are swell, think “Screenwipe” which I discussed earlier. Recommended: MOH Airborne and Peggle.
The McGurk effect. [wiki] Absolutely disquieting. And then there’s this optical illusion. I no longer trust anything I see or hear, or you. Your mouth is filled with lies! I will not believe you anymore. Wait ... am I lying ... to myself? [30 minutes of glances around the room] [Later, in the institution] RRRRARRRRRGGGGG!!!
A tour of the Mythbusters shop. This is just for anyone who has watched the show more than a few times – it’s Jamie showing the best bits of one room of tools and gadgets but then there’s the realization that one of the standard telephone stations is improperly stocked. Two calculators? No. One calculator. Bonus points: the camera operator is the station stocker. A shop is only as good as its access to Sharpie® pens. Singular. Pen.
Chocolade Haas. Apparently made for pre-schoolers (“NOOOOOOOOO BUNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”).
Filling a hole.

2007dec10. I had to get my blood tested to make sure there was blood in it (and also that I had a pulse [shakes chains, makes “WoooOOOOO” sounds]) and the receptionist gave me a list of blood-taking places. I ended up at one that was inside a family clinic. “You just need to walk down that hall there.” So I started walking down the hall and I’m halfway down the hall and there’s someone noodling inside a closet. But then I looked again, and it’s a full-on miniature blood-taking place; it’s got counters, a chair, the blood-taking person, various things to stick in one’s arm, cupboards, etc – and it’s about four feet by four feet. Bloodplace Jr. There was no one else around for miles, and she asked me to sign in. Then she checked the sign-in sheet and it turned out (CRISWELL PREDICTS!) I was next. Soon you’ll be able to pull up to a re-purposed Fotomat booth and get phlebotomized along with a good cup of joe.

2007dec11. Mail.

I hope oneday I can speak Englishi very fluently

So do I. I mean, I hope that I will be able to speak English fluently. Right now I’m somewhere between LOLcat and a really staticky telephone conversation that keeps dropping out. Good luck to you in your Englishquest (English tip: any two words larger than 3 characters each can be compounded).

2007dec12. Occasionally in the past I had considered joining “Linkup,” a primarily Bay Area social networking site that included a type of reputation meter as to how likely you were to show up to events. Then I read this article and I’m glad I didn’t bother. I have way too many authority figures in my life already, thanks ... I don’t need someone obsessively policing my social habits.

2007dec13. I was walking on a Berkeley sidewalk, coming up on a 17ish-year-old girl headed the other way. About 20 feet back, a guy roughly the same age. She’s about to pass me when she exclaims in a sarcastic/obnoxious voice, “OHHH! EXCUSE ME! SORRY!” as she’s forcefully chucking a paper grocery bag into my leg. I don’t know what was in it – felt like magazines. A friend figured the pair were pickpockets but there was no attempt to distract me into helping pick up the bag, she just kept on walking. He looked in the bag, didn’t see anything he wanted either, and continued on his way as well. Moments later, she was hit by a bus while crossing the street and I rifled through her purse. Karma: it’ll gitcha! I’m sad though, because I didn’t get a chance to tell her she was a cock. Gotta grab those moments, life is improv. Though ... if I had told her about the cock thing, we would have gotten into it and then she would have missed her bus ... and I’d be short some cash. So I think everything turned out okay.




2007dec16. Mail.

I love ends and pieces but none of my southern California stores have them!!! What store did you get them at and what was the art of getting them there?---Crissy

This was a Northern California store. They no longer have them. I think because I asked about them and the stocker elevated the question to a manager, they put the item on their “offer tentatively” product list ... but then they disappeared three weeks later and were never seen again. Ends & Pieces is going to be flakey like that because it’s a product that is the remainder of another product, namely their fruit bars. Now, what happened with their fruit bars recently? Anyone? Yes, exactly Jimmy, there was a re-tooling – the bars are thicker now, in different packaging. So perhaps we can conclude that Ends & Pieces has gone the way of the Dodo and deely bobbers if deely bobbers have indeed gone the way of the Dodo. It’s a high-trafficked route. My best advice would be to manufacture demand – have a bunch of your friends request Ends & Pieces at random intervals. Not from stockers, but from the little manager nook. Write letters. Stage protests, burn a large Hawaiian-shirted scarecrow in effigy. Instill panic, foment discord and chaos. Lead hordes of dispossessed, riot in the streets, eat the rich, topple an amoral empire built on fiat currency. Blow bubbles, pet a kitty.

2007dec16. Usually I open my trancepoptrash set with the Wikipedia audio pronunciation of Hors d’œuvre on infinite loop, then I smooth the board into some de-classified oven-baked technosmazz regrex. I used to think the kids were totally into it, but now I realize they were jamming on the free crudités.


2007dec19. I am getting xmas junk for a 5-year-old kiddle. She’s learning to read, and her mother said her fav-rit character is Superman. But all of the soft cover “learning to read” books center around the Safe Happy Mundane Near-Adventure of the Fuzzy Talking Animal. I can sort of see why they don’t have a learning-to-read book for The Man of Steels.

Look! It is Superman.
There he is.
Can lift whole horsies!
He found something! Ding!
What is?
Is kryptonite! A rock. A special rock. A very big rock.
Is pretty. Green! “Green.”
Superman is tired.
So sleepy!
Sleep, Superman.
He is very tired.
Let’s go visit Batman now.

I would make an awesome children’s book author. Or a pastry chef. Or a bowling ball manufacturer. But I am more tired than Superman! Let robot sleep. Ding.

2007dec21. I have one of those electronic things I see crazy people walking around with, talking into them like they’re little gold bugs. Mine is white. White gold bug. First I turned off all the goddamned noise on it, then I tried to turn the swirlee graphics off but it was only a choice between tepid graphics and flaccid graphics, so I stuck with the tepid scheme. I’d post the number if I had a good plan but I’m a cheapo prepaid guy. Mostly it’s for emergencies, so I can gently gurgle to the 911 operator while being tasered by the police in Beefsteak, Nebraska for not having enough patriotic flair on my vehicle. If you need my number, just let me know. I’m all about the numbering.

2007dec24. Wiki: Christmas truce.


2007dec25. What the Deuce: Liberty Above All, For All

2007dec26. Look, I’m not the most organized pencil on the chopping block, but I am totally gearing up for one of 2008’s most important holidays, National Pie Day, which is January 23rd. To celebrate this most suspicious occasion, I am holding another contest. The last contest, “Send Me Chocolate Contest,” was won by 9-year-old Tex K. of New Orleans, New Orleans, who sent eight different bars of exotic non-office chocolate which were all immediately eaten, wrappers and all. In the same spirit, the new contest is called “Send Me Pie Contest,” wherein you would send me a pie to commemorate National Pie Day 2008. The address:

National Pie Day Contest Sweepstakes Rally Final Elimination Heat Trial 2008 Jr.
c/o Cardhouse Wish Fulfillment Center
Box 2 0 7 0
Berkeley CA 94702

As always, the winner will be eligible for having sent me the winningest contest entry, in this case, an awesome pie.

2007dec29. Well, that was fun ... I had a little Thing, a little This Is All So Very Overwhelming Thing. So I went for a drive. Driving always seems to calm me, for some reason. Driving around the Oakland docks at night, looking at the giant cranes poised for another round of Deficit Ratcheting tomorrow. We need more things. More.

2007dec31. My lo-cal Office Supply Store That Unexpectedly Starts With The Word “Office” (OfficeSQUANTZ. OfficeKITCHERKITCHERKITCHER. Officedoooodeeeeloooooooozroooo) is like a weird ghost town, every time I go there. I’m a nite owl, so I guess I miss out on seeing the harried assistants scurrying around during business hours. What I’d like to miss out on is the insistent, constant loud beeps that emanate from different departments in the store. Once every twenty seconds or so, per department, always and forever. This has been going on for a year, at least. A cashier I queried didn’t know what they were supposed to represent, but I get the feeling that it was one of those things she learned to push to the back of her brain (like almost all other aspects of her job), until some pindick customer reminded her of it.

Book: Animals in Translation Book: Pranks! Book: Adrift - 76 Days Lost At Sea Book: Secret Language of Sleep Book: Consider the Lobster