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2006nov01. Michael Feldman’s two-parter with his dispatcher back when he drove a cab.

2006nov02. What are those Hitch50 guys smoking? They get a free ride to Alaska, they’re stuck there, then they get a free ride back to Seattle ... and now, immediately after this, they want to go to their graduation ceremonies in British Columbia?

Dudes. You are seriously spitting in the face of some awesome Karma. You have chosen your destiny. One does not abandon a Royal Quest in the middle to prance around in a mortarboard. I skipped my graduation ceremonies and I didn’t have anything near your rockin’ legitimate excuse. "Can’t Pomp & Circumstance ... state clowns will eat me.” Your parents will forgive you in about eight years, by my estimate. And it only really comes up when you’re already arguing. GET HITCHIN’, YOU BUTTS

2006nov03. If someone can provide me with some pix of Alan Richman’s scathing article about New Orleans cuisine in GQ, I’d much appreciate it. Here’s a thorough take-down. Doesn’t have to be neat, just readable.

2006nov03. Blank Top Chronicles: The Battle of Arlingtons.

2006nov03. Starting early next year, United States citizens will require permission from Customs and Border Patrol to enter or leave their own country. Oh, just tell me what camp to report to already.

2006nov07. Radar: Wonder Showzen interview.

“But you know, the other thing is, like, we’d have to clean it off every time. It would react and cry. It’s a production problem, putting gravy on a baby.”

2006nov07. Electronic voting is cool because you can vote multiple times. Let’s all just go back to paper forms, okay? Technology is not welcome in this arena.

2006nov08. I was drinking some soy milk – it’s sort of an adjunct to my normal rice milk. I don’t usually drink it, I usually add a little bit occasionally to cereal ‘cause it’s pumped with vitamins etc. So it sits around awhile. But I wanted to finish off the carton and I thought “hahah, wouldn’t it be funny if there was visible mold on the spout?” and I had a mouthful of it and looked at the spout offhandedly so as not to be all self-aware of my latent mold phobia and sure enough, it’s covered in mold. I went to the sink to dump everything out and rinse and I was laughing the whole time. So I was right, it was funny. THE WINNER IS ME.

PS: You can never have too many “and"s in a sentence. Your grammar teacher can suck it.

2006nov08. The Onion: Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line of Healthy Snacks. With awesomely annoying pop-up!

2006nov10. Friday Freeday.

On the Edge of Blade Runner.
Rejected Cartoons.
Trendspotting: School clubs.
Cibo Matto: Sugar Water.
Borat & Regis walk down streets of NYC.
Alton Brown: knife sharpening. Like everything in life, there are many differing opinions about this process (you can see a variety of them in the comments section), which is why I cut everything with plastic-coated safety scissors.
Daily Show: Mid-Term Elections cartoon. In the style of Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill.” Which of course brings Conspiracy Theory Rock to mind. Same animators.

2006nov10. Terlet instructions from ‘round the world

2006nov11. Well, he’s a lame duck now, so it’s safe to publish extree-close-up photos of him.

2006nov13. Lincoln: What? Also: Lincoln’s Triumphant Broads Address.

2006nov14. A comic: Relationshapes. It touches me ... right there.

2006nov15. Special thanks to everyone pointing at the vintage condom tins at tinyflowers.com. This is a “trackback,” 1997-stylie. We carved permalinks out of sturdy wood back then, and spam was delivered by DHL.

“Have you canned it yet, e-gramps? Don’t make me play Senior Citizen Beatdown on my Wii.”

2006nov15. Blank Top: The guards aren’t listening to me.

2006nov17. There is a documentary on Brother Theodore coming out next year. The trailer features, among other things, Penn & Teller and Anthony Bourdain espousing their respective respect. I have “uploaded” a mp3 of a chilling Brother Theodore promo for the 1981 nature film House By The Cemetery.

2006nov18. Poor Phoneswarm. Related mail:

Sorry Buddy,

I can’t tell if you’re mad or sad. Thanks for the effort you’ve made. It’s been fun watching the goings on on this site.

I originally found your web page while browsing around the Mojave Phone Booth Site.

Best wishes in all your future endeavors!!



I’ll probably bring all that phone stuff into Cardhouse and sell the domain to the Russians for somewhere in the high two digits. I have bigger fish to fry. And I likes me some big-ass fryin’ fish!

2006nov18. Dick Meyer clinches The Ultimate Spineless Fucking Coat-Tailing Dickhead Award.

And for 12 years, the media didn’t call a duck a duck, because that’s not something we’re supposed to do.

We all delude ourselves to some extent. Not really that much, though. You’re like fuggin’ Pluto out there, Dickie. “For twelve years, I didn’t pick up the garbage, because that’s not something garbagemen are supposed to do.” [via metafilter].

2006nov19. You may have already seen this video of the geese. But now it is on Revver! And below! If my weblog program! Is working! If you have not seen it: you will enjoy it. It is rated “G” for “Goslings.”

2006nov20. That damned near-infrasound.

The sound, often described as being similar to the sound of air being blown over a bottle top, has troubled sensitive ears in Auckland’s northern suburbs and isolated parts of New Zealand’s far north for several years. One man who contacted Dr Moir became so frustrated by the sound that he deliberately damaged the hearing in one of his ears – by holding it close to a chainsaw engine – so that he could sleep.

The very next day, earplugs and earmuffs were invented.

2006nov20. I went to the Laughing Squid 11th Anniversary Party which was quite nice. I tended to orbit around the big fwooshy 30-foot-fireball thing since it was a little chilly out. I need to install one of those in my bedroom. I saw all the oldy oldsters from way back, which is what it’s all about. The love. “Hey, haven’t seen you in four years! Okay, see you in seven!” I got to make a reference to the “Bullnanza” rodeo event. I paid off a five-dollar bet I made in the heady, dot-com Bullnanza days of 2000 with someone who had shorted Kristy Kreme – after hearing this and laughing for five minutes, I said something like “they’re DO-NUTS! How can they fuck that up?” and the wager ... was on. But they did fuck it up. I don’t [whatever PC term we’re all using to replace “welsh/welch"] on bets. My friends were poking me in the back to pick up [whatever PC term we’re all using to replace “chix/broads"] and I was all like “that boat done sailed a long time ago.” I snuck nips out of a friend’s hip flask while instinctively looking around furtively for the [whatever PC term we’re all using to replace “schoolmarm/truant officer"]. I’m also in one or more of the Photoboof (FutureURL™) photos. Find me and win nothing. I asked the guy who created this wonderful machine awhile if he knew “Tim Duncan” (in actuality Tim Hunkin) and he knew who I was talking about and had consulted with him about various internal bits to make the Photoboof the gem it is. Another guy I talked to is looking for bay area bookstores to do some in-house readings for a recently-published book of his and whatever else it is that authors do with bookstores. He’s a really good speaker, you won’t regret it. Drop me a line. Then, back at “home,” I did a quick check on every theoretically factual statement I made during the night to see how everything stacked/non-stacked up, including this non-interesting chestnut while watching a steam-powered car (with registered plates!) drive up and down the block: I read in a book, years ago, that the reason steam-powered engines got the pass during the big sweat-off between gasoline, electric, and steam was because a steam car exploded during an exhibition/race, killing six or seven people. But ... I can’t find any reference to anything remotely similar on the internets and if it’s not there, as we all know, it never happened. My apologies to the re-burgeoning steam-powered automobile industry.

2006nov20. Achewood: G.R.O.-R.A.D..

2006nov24. Next year, let’s all have a Kraftwerk Thanksgiving. This is a weblog created by a cartoon cat, by the way.

2006nov27. Someone sent mail pointing to an older version of the do-nut ro-bot that prompted me to give up the domain name (“donutrobot.com”). Stupid ro-bot.

2006nov29. Two awesome things.

1) Someone is taking over Phoneswarm as the little icon indicates. There will be a new number as soon as we hash out the details and physically move all the “bits” and “bytes” as the computer people call them.

2) I got an extremely solid “inside” tip that Wonder Showzen is in production, or at least the people from Wonder Showzen are doing something that sounds a lot like Wonder Showzen. Maybe you already knew this.

Book: Animals in Translation Book: Pranks! Book: Adrift - 76 Days Lost At Sea Book: Secret Language of Sleep Book: Consider the Lobster