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2006mar01. Got hit with one of those storytellin’ panhandlers today in an Emeryville parking lot.

“Got any jumper cables?”
“Yeah, I think so ... ” [FX: opening vehicle door, rummaging around for jumper cables]
”This is great, you know I’ve been trying to get someone for the past half-hour and no one has offered ... where are you from?”
“Berkeley.”
”Yeah, no one from Emeryville has stopped I’m going to [unintelligible (at this point his patter has stepped up and I’m not catching bits and pieces of it, that’s the problem with the memorized oft-quoted spiel)] blah blah God blah blah (something about contacting God to thank me for my kindness or God must have sent me etc, repeated twice) how old are you, 27?”
Always shoot low, automatic compliment.
“ ... got six kids in the Expedition all in wheelchairs (seriously, he said this; there’s no Expedition anywhere) blah blah hospital down the street wait, what size engine do you have? That’s not going to work (of course it isn’t), don’t want to blow your engine I tried my ATM card and it didn’t work and blah blah my pager (here at this point he quickly flashes what appears to be an ATM card and a pager [a pager??? do people still use those?]) lend me (some weird amount, like $3.16).”

At this point I smiled the smile of someone who’s heard many stories like this before and he immediately rolled off to another couple comin’ down the pike. Seven wheelchairs, and one of them has a bomb strapped to it.

2006mar01. Achewood’s The Great Outdoor Fight storyline has been “fresh” and “grand.” Start here. Also there is obsessed discussion here.

2006mar02. Mail.

6 wheelchair-bound kids in the Expedition and he was trying to get to the hospital? Was this in or around the Home Depot/Office Max/Best Buy complex? That guy hit me up about a year ago with the same proposition. He was actually wearing scrubs and said he had to get to the hospital to work his shift, but his cell phone was dead, he couldn’t call work for a ride because they would fire him, he couldn’t call AAA but he needed jumper cables for his invisible Wonder (Wo)man car, and couldn’t I just spare some money “’cause black people from Emeryville won’t help me” (he was black). Nice.

Yeah, about three blocks away. I figured someone else probably heard the story, they typically have one story and they work it until it shines, pass it along among friends.

2006mar03. Wow. Was that a fuggin’ Olympics or was that a fuggin’ Olympics? Did you see the part where the contestant overcame some horrendous adversity to attend the Olympic Games, then won the gold? Yeah, that’s the one! I remember the first time I spoke to anyone about the 2006 Olympics. [FX: tiny tear brushing]

Commemorative pins of Sparky, as always, are available in the Main Gift Shop.

2006mar05. Here’s another awesome suggestion. I know there are only two or three companies providing the web-based software for libraries. I know this. Okay, here’s a suggestion. Here’s a crazy, nutty suggestion. See if you can follow along. When I start a session? Yeah? When I log in, and I’m creating fifteen new tabs with books I want to examine? Yeah ... don’t yank my chain and time each of these new windows out one minute later. Because your audience isn’t comprised of 100% library doofuses using your computers. That’s what this web thing is all about. Reaching out, not timing out.

2006mar06. Little touching human bit unseen on the Oscars.

Weisz, who is 35 tomorrow, said she had felt her baby kicking all the way through the ceremony – until the moment she went up to collect her award.

“With the lead up to that, the adrenaline, the baby was going crazy,” she said.

“Poor baby. It was kicking around, but once I went onto the stage I think it’s so overwhelming that I could have hardly told you my name. So I didn’t feel anything when I was up on stage.”

2006mar07. Blow Up.

2006mar07. Phone Booth Confessional. Gonna do this, yep. [via doc]

2006mar09. Web 2.0 is finally paying off.

2006mar09. I was stopped at a traffic light in San Francisco in my vehicular conveyance today. In the SUV in front of me a woman, the driver, was trying to occupy the imagination of a small child in the backseat. She grabbed a teddy bear and made little dancing motions with it. I don’t watch movies much anymore, so I try to secure entertainment through non-traditional venues such as this whenever possible.

2006mar10. Penn & Teller “Bullshit!” – The Patriot Act.

2006mar10. Mail.

you seem to be totally obsessed with TJ’s (i am too) but can you tell me this, who owns TJ’s? i heard they were bought by a german conglomerate years ago. do you know the name of the parent company?

T.H.E. Cat

This is an excellent question, Mr./Mrs./Miss Cat. The answer is Aldi. You could read this Busynessweek article for more information. Though the part about them selling unsulfured apricots is no longer true.

2006mar12. It’s the ole’ stand-by, search terms used to get here.

I need recipes the apple pie that give me to preparation continue
menthol drops (toxic limits)
gargle corn syrup
if you hit a parked car and someone see’s you could they report it to the police
an essay like ‘close your eyes and suppose that you are on a desert 1sland’
cute little things like stories
An insect that looks like a car “project”
why is the car important in our life?
origin of your foods not going to runaway
meatloaf

2006mar14. Penkiln Burn. Bake Cake (from 2003). I missed the addition of words and further words last year. Penkiln Burn is Bill Drummond, formerly of the KLF.

2006mar14. Penkiln Burn: Get Your Hair Cut. Also: Interviews. I went and got a haircut today. Typically I ask for the “businessman’s” haircut and usually I get something that approximates it. Last time, I got the “75% rock star” haircut. This time I got the same person, asked for the same thing, and got a completely different style. The “non-rock star” haircut. The actual hair trimmer device was making some scary “I’m about to explode” sounds and I figured maybe I’d get a random brain modification when it launched some internal bit of metal through my skull at 200mph.

“Whuh? I can smell time now. Call the chat shows.”

2006mar16. Pleix: Birds. It is a “musical video.” You may remember other things that Pleix has offered in the past. [via peacedividend]

2006mar16. Feedwhip. Here’s a strange way to stay current with your favorite websites that don’t have RSS/etc. Better than nothing, I suppose.

2006mar19. I forgot to mention this. There’s a train that occasionally comes through the city. There are new federal regulations that require the engineer to blow the horn pretty much at every street crossing, no matter how slow the train is going. So for the first month or so, it was horns-a-plenty at 3am, among other times. Now they sort of skirt the rules a bit, I’m sure there’s been an uproar about it at the local train council meetings, however that works. Anyway. On December 25th, as the train was rolling through around 8pm, the engineer blew the tune “Jingle Bells.” And then ran over some winos.

Wait, take that wino crack out. It was more touching without it.

No, put it back in. Make it “fist-waving winos.” Like they were opposed to Christmas. Fuggin’ winos.

2006mar19. Oh, and, because I’ll probably forget to mention it in a day ... this website has been online since March 20, 1995. That makes it, um, old. You do the math, I’m tired.

2006mar19. Candyblog: Easter candy. So ... colorful ... glomph glomph

2006mar19. Ham & Enos.

2006mar21. Mail.

Hello,

First, Very Sorry for my bad English. Someone is sending your private e-mails on my address. It’s probably an e-mail provider error! At time, I’ve got over 10 mails on my account, but the recipient are you. I have copied all the mail text in the windows text-editor for you and zipped then. Make sure that this mails don’t come in my mail-box again.

No ... NOOOOOOOOO!

I HAVE SEEN A NEWS BROAUDCAST THIS MORNING ABOUT A TRADER JOES THAT JUST OPENED IN NYC .I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE INTERISTED IN OPENING UP ONE IN FLORIDA.I HAVE A LARGE PEACE OF PROPORTY IN OCALA FLORIDA,ON A MAGOR RODE.IT JUST MAY BE A GREAT LOCATION FOR A NEW STORE.

I would like to open my next Trader Joe’s inside the stomach of the previous letter writer. Is he located in Florida?

2006mar23. I am in the grips of The Ill. Pancakes + Napoleon (the dessert) + sun + crowds – water = The Ill. My travelling partner also got The Ill. We have: The Ill. Before The Ill, I was listening to the radio and it was some “news” about a family who took their SUV into some remote snowy area. The vehicle became lodged in fluffy white stuff or died or rolled over. Then the rescue operation commenced. Then the media coverage of the rescue operation commenced. And the family got to watch the coverage of the rescue operation on their in-vehicle TV. I couldn’t stop laughing, but in a confused, poignant way. My laughing was poignant. It’s sort of like those people on JetBlue watching coverage of their plane’s twisted landing gear as they were about to “touch down.” Would you feel happy or sad seeing rescuers on the television talking about finding you? “Okay, that’s good, just try harder ... starting ... now.”

“The rescuers have given up finding the Anderson family. We now return you to ‘American Idol.’”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
”Dad, are you ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ing the aborted rescue effort, or ‘American Idol’?”
“I’m not really sure. I sort of have mixed feelings, here. Give me a few minutes. It will filter out.”
“You got it. I’m going to be back here gnawing on my leg.”
“That’s the Anderson can-do spirit, son. ACDS, for short.”

The Andersons sort of creep me out because really, I wouldn’t get excited about my son eating his own leg for sustenance.

2006mar24. 7:35am in the morning. Oscar-nominated short. [via the obfuscator]

2006mar24. Mail.

Have you ever heard of a bowling game called ROTO-BOWLING?

I have stories of a Roto bowling alley building that was going to be built in Rochester, NY in 1947 (it was never built but the stories state that there was one in Buffalo and one in Florida).

The game was on a carpeted alley and the player used some kind of device to propel the ball down the alley.

I can find no information on the internet or other bowling history books and have found nothing in US patent office.

But I have heard of some old timers that said the game did exist.

The bowling hall of fame and museum wants $40.00 per hour to research the story.
Too much $$ for me ... ..Any help would be appreciated.

- Bill

Bill, this is exactly the sort of thing that I will pursue to the ends of the earth to uncover. Perhaps one of our lovely readers knows more about this bizarre fragment of bowling lore. In a weird way it sounds sort of familiar, but I trust my memory as far as I can throw it these days, with or without a helpful device.

2006mar28. Phoneswarm: New payphone is up.

2006mar31. Spam excerpt.

TRUE COPIES OF SWISS WATCHES

- exact copies of V.I.P. watches
– perfect as a gift for your colleagues and friends

Don’t be fooled by imitator imitators. Get in on the ground floor. Ask yourself this question: “Would a copy of a copy fool someone?” The answer you have given yourself is “no.” Your boss will love your once-removed thoughtfulness. “Is this a genuine copy, Henderson?” This question will no longer haunt your sleep.