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2006jun01. Metacafe is another video site. Really nice design, clean. Too bad (A) they don’t bother to provide the length of the videos (but at least I know what the video is rated and how many people watched it – way to prioritize there), and (B) it doesn’t work with Media Player Classic.

2006jun01. A Study of Funnui.

ennui – 5740000 results.
ennuiiii – 184 results.
ennuiiiiiiii – 35 results.
ennuiiiiiiiiiii – 20 results.
ennuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – 1 result.

2006jun02. Macros2000: Now there are 184 macros. This is more.

2006jun03. We still need more money. We’re going to drag you all down with us, but when we hit bottom, we’ll be rich and you’ll be poor so it won’t matter. To us.

2006jun04. Mail.

I want to read the recently added macros, but it’s a pain to have to go through every letter and find ones I haven’t read. Could you maybe have a “date added” archive? or maybe a page of recently added macros? If that’s too much of a pain, I understand, but it would really make the site more reader-friendly.

I love this site, btw. Cardhouse and anything Cardhouse-related (DOC, Macros, etc) are awesome.

Deuceofclubs.com is a Cardhouse-friend, not Cardhouse-related. And you forgot Phoneswarm. Ha. Poor little neglected website. NO GRUEL FOR YOU! SIT IN THE CORNER! SIT!

I was going to code up something for recently-added macros, but I thought I’d wait until someone mentioned it because it would be a semi-pain to program. “That will take a few weeks, at least.” Guess I was wrong. So I carved a few hours out of my street luging and made it, even gave ‘em fake Japanese-English titles. And of course, I added a few more macros as well.

2006jun04. Stephen Colbert Knox College Commencement Address Thing.

2006jun05. My Life Above Pottery Barn. I stumbled across a smaller version of this type of corporate life simulacra in Emeryville – think of your standard strip mall, but then take two of them facing each other and put a street in the middle. Why, it’s a li’l shopping town! But at the ends of the street there is of course the standard mall-type sign warning you about the rights you must give up to exist in their “space.” Photos to follow sometime, perhaps.

2006jun05. The map of Generic Names for Soft Drinks by County hurts my head the longer I look at it. Apparently most everyone in California has agreed on “soda”? No one told me. I go with “sodee pop.” So I’m “other.” I can buy Maine, though. “IT’S SODA DAMMIT”

2006jun05. Mail.

I am interested in locating a liniment called Volcanico, My Mom had some and it really worked on my sprained ankle. She has since passed and I have been unable to find it locally. Please Help. Also there is a mexican cookie that is about 1inch in diameter with icing on top and a hole in the middle of it I use to get them at a store here called the Honey Bee But they do not carry them anymore, If You could help on this also.

Thank You

Rosa G.

My sexy readers always come through for me on things like this.


Considering that colors of chameleons, in this case chamaeleo oustaleti, often reflect their “mood,” one has to wonder why mating elicits such a different color response in males and females.

– Lizards: Windows to the Evolution of Diversity (photo caption page 100; female – bright green; male – almost ashen)

2006jun06. Mail.

I don’t know if this is the appropriate place for this. As a long time customer at Trader Joe’s, I find the attitude of the employees has changed dramatically ... for the worse. The only store I noticed this at is at 555 9th St., San Francisco, CA 94103, where I have shopped happily for several years. An employee said that new management took over about 8 months ago.

This is always the appropriate place for that. The staff at Trader Joe’s are all displaced IT workers. They’ve gone from their $80k jobs with eleven-hour tube-starin’ days to $20k eight-hour box-cuttin’ days. Home ownership is no longer feasible. That’s my theory, anyway. But really, I’d rather the workers were surly, myself, clawing at you with sharpened fingernails and such. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a complete zombie while shopping. The stores I visit should also be on fire. Then you’d have to prioritize. Go to the back, try the sample selection, dodge the falling shelves, run to get some cereal before it combusts. Then at the register you have to put in the ear plugs to work your way past the SRL show. Now who’s alive? NOW WHO’S ALIVE????


We live in a society and a culture and an economic model that tries to make everything look right. Look at computers. Why are they all putty-colored or off-fucking-white? You make something off-white or beige because you are afraid to use any other color – because you don’t want to offend anybody. But by definition, when you make something no one hates, no one loves it. So I am interested in imperfections, quirkiness, insanity, unpredictability. That’s what we really pay attention to anyway. We don’t talk about planes flying; we talk about them crashing.
– Tibor Kalman (Wired 4.12 1996)

The park was an amusement for [Milton Hershey], and he went there often. On one visit he conducted a playful experiment intended to show that he could get people to buy anything. Taking over a booth to sell a “new and exciting delicacy,” Hershey added chopped onion to vanilla ice cream. The first customer fought the disgusting taste and, eager to trick someone else, said it was just fine. As one person lied to another, Hershey quickly sold all the onion ice cream he had just made. -- Hershey, Michael D’Antonio (2006)

2006jun06. The only spam I get is around three messages a day from some knob who thinks I’ll be attracted to open email that has a random name and a random two-word subject. Today I got the best one ever: “heartwarming mildew.” So tempted. There’s got to be good stuff inside, I know this to be true!

2006jun08. More macros. More.

2006jun09. Friday Free Day. Missed it last time. I keep forgetting to mention where that’s from ... it goes all the way back to the eighth grade. Every Friday was “Friday Free Day” and the whole class played games, etc. So in my own little way, it’s a “shout out” to that very special teacher who robbed me of 20% of my precious government-sponsored education that year.

Heat Vision and Jack [30 min]. The never-released pilot featuring Jack Black and Owen Wilson as a talking motorcycle. Did I already point at this? Probably.
Manson [3 min]. From The Ben Stiller Show. You think Odenkirk wrote this?
The Ross Sisters: Solid Potato Salad [4 min]. Stick with it. It’s not just singing.
Mr. Rogers testifies before the Senate (1969; 7 min). Did I do this one?
Bullshit: Poll Numbers. Oh god, this is hilarious – they have Frank Luntz (whenever I see him on-air I think of that Emergency Broadcast Network song with the sampled lyric “participate in your own manipulation”) on the street talking to random people – someone driving by recognized him and indicated that Lutz was an “idiot.”
The Daily Show: Colbert goes to journalism school.
Creature Comforts [1989; 5 min].
Creature Comforts: Iraq [2 min]. Someone re-edited a subsequent release of Creature Comforts. POTUS as a fly, etc.
Panexa [2 min]. Ask your doctor for a reason to take it.
Superb Lyrebird [4 min].
Spin [57 min]. Springer provided the feeds for the political documentary Feed. Seeing Feed at the art institute back then, I laughed and laughed. Now watching this stuff just makes me queasy.

2006jun09. Rat Park. A study of addiction swept under the rug. Reminds me of some old quotes in Macros magazine. One is filled with der bullshitten and the other presents one vector of explanation as to why this is so ... you can guess which is which at your leisure.

”Scientists were attempting to determine if learned skills could be passed on from parents to children genetically ... Indeed, the descendents of the taught mice knew how to get through the maze very quickly without instruction, but so did the descendents of the control group, who had never seen the maze at all! Later, a scientist decided to repeat his experiment on a different continent with the same mouse species, but they already knew how to go through the maze, too! As explained by morphic resonance, the traits need not have been passed on genetically. The information leak was due not to bad experimental procedure but to the morphogenetic field, which stored the experience of the earlier mice from which all subsequent mice could benefit.” – Douglas Rushkoff, Cyberia

“I looked into the subsequent history of [Young’s] research. The next experiment, and the one after that, never referred to Mr. Young. They never used any of his criteria of putting the corridor on sand, or being very careful. They just went right on running rats in the same old way, and paid no attention to the great discoveries of Mr. Young, and his papers are not referred to, because he didn’t discover anything about the rats. In fact, he discovered all the things you have to do to discover something about rats.” – Professor Richard P. Feynman in “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!”

2006jun12. So I’m looking at the box office receipts for Mission Impossible 3 on IMDB. I went there because I was looking up another movie which didn’t have any cashflow datapoints and I was wondering how long it took for the numbers to roll in. Then I saw this:

$116,170,705 (USA) (28 May 2006)
$103,535,579 (USA) (21 May 2006)
$85,100,142 (USA) (14 May 2006)
$47,743,273 (USA) (7 May 2006)
£116,170,705 (UK) (28 May 2006)

Wow, I thought, the UK is nuts about this thing, then I noticed that the number was the same as the US figure for the same day. Oops. So I thought I’d tell them about it, but they wanted me to register to “report errors and omissions.” Yeah, let me just do that. Here I am, registering (in actuality, I’m eating a big pretzel, all sloppy with mustard and there are various close-ups of the mustard dripping down my chin, then the camera slowly moves back up to my open, willing mouth), now I’m telling them all about the error (at this point I’m resting on a hammock and reading “Highlights for Adults” magazine).

2006jun14. Defective Yeti: Joke 3.0.

2006jun14. Make this vow with me. You know how when you’re really really horribly old suddenly the media decides that you’ve made the Right Life Choices™ and they breathlessly report to the world that you’ve engaged in some seemingly life-shortening habit yet ... here you are. Like George Burns, with the cigar thing. Anyway, do me a favor and tell them some whoppers. “I only eat hushpuppies. And actual puppies.” “I play mental basketball three hours a day ... wait ... I’m winning!” “I keep myself fit and happy by visiting the pudding spa every week.”

Ah, pudding humorcrutch, how I’ve missed you so.


There was also a famous Party to Test the Influence of Drink on Work. Moore and Coxon covered their walls with blank paper and made a list of subjects sacred and profane. Each participant had a drink, drew a rectangle, numbered it, and drew a picture. Then he had a second drink and drew a second picture. Investigation the next day determined that most artists improved steadily through the fifth drink, and then deteriorated rapidly.

[ ... ]

In accordance with academic tradition, he was not supposed to do direct carving [ ... ] Moore was required to model in clay and then transfer the clay into stone by mechanical means [ ... ] Even Rodin’s marbles, for the most part, and most Renaissance sculptures, were executed by stone carvers using pointing machines to copy the sculptor’s model. A pointing machine is a framework which is attached firmly to the clay model and to the block of stone. The carver measures exact distances from the outside of the frame to the model, and transfers this exact distance by boring a little hole into the stone, to a depth equal to the point in the clay model. The executed carving has tiny pores in it, which reveal that a pointing machine has been used. Moore believed in carving and in truth to material; whatever was really stone should look stony, and wood woody. Therefore the idea of modeling something which was going to be stone was anathema [ ... ] Moore requested permission to carve it directly in marble. Permission was denied; Moore was to use a pointing machine for the carving, because otherwise he was certain to botch the job; no one could carve an accurate copy direct in stone. Moore convinced his own instructor (who would see him at work, the professor would not) to let him have a go at carving it direct. The result stands in Raymond Coxon’s house. It is a gracefully executed, conventionally beautiful Renaissance head, twenty-one inches high [ ... ] Its full title is Copy of the Head of the Virgin, and Moore copied it from the marble relief of the Virgin and Child by Domenico Rosselli in the Victoria and Albert Museum. Some critics, at least, find the Moore an improvement on the Rosselli [ ... ] It went against everything that Moore believed, except that he managed to carve it direct. The marble of the Virgin’s face is delicately pored with small holes which Moore added when he had finished the carving, so that it would look as if he had used the pointing machine. The professor of sculpture was pleased.

– Henry Moore by Donald Hall

2006jun15. BREAKING NEWS: The Transportation Safety Administration tried to save us from the Butt Rub. It took the TSA six hours to figure out that honey, an oyster shell, a video camera, and a jar of Byron’s Butt Rub do not an explosive device make. “The U.S. Department of Homeland Security and the White House situation room were notified about the incident.” This Butt Rub scandal could go all the way to the top.

Shell, Oyster
Buttrub, Byron

God, comedians are probably going to milk this one for weeks. Butt Rub.

2006jun16. Mail.

Need to be readed.


2006jun16. WE GOT OURSELVES A CORRIDOR!!!! What’s amazing about this freaking boondoggle is how little attention it’s getting in the media. Is there any attention? Anyone? I guess the basic idea here is that some trucker can get into his Mexican-government approved truck in Manzanillo, for example, and just tootle straight on through the US (US truckers love this part) all the way up to Canada, if need be. They can’t do that now because Mexican trucks suck, among other reasons. So instead of having Mexico beef up the infrastructure, they’re going to make this crazy-ass 50-years-to-construct superhighway chopping America in half. And it’s supposed to have LIGHT RAIL as well? Because everyone’s hot to travel from Houston to Fargo, man that is one hot ticket there, that will pay for itself in no time. And then, I’m sure the quarter-mile wide “corridor” will also have some sort of special designation with local and national police forces, Border Patrol will use this as a way to spread their wings even more (they’ll need 100 miles out from the freeway in every direction, naturally). It will be just like the railway going into Singapore, which isn’t actually in Singapore. The physical ground beneath the railway is owned by Malaysia, so there’s this liddle strip of Malaysia that sneaks all the way down to the Singapore train station. That’s what Nasco will be like, it will be this international extralegal entity. They’re contracting foreign contractors to build the thing, another logical government step just like stiffing local contractors in New Orleans after Katrina. Print more money.

2006jun16. Friday Freeday.

Forgetfulness: Billy Collins [2 min].
The History of Oil [45 min]. Essential.
Chapelle’s Show: Charlie Murphy Vs. Prince Episode [6 min].
Vintage Spook Show Ads [9 min].

2006jun19. Mother Earth News: How To Retire Six Months Every Year.

2006jun20. I went ahead without you and re-wrote most of the Macros2000 non-database database program suite. So of course I had to add about 25 macros. Slowly the monkey’s claws are pulled out of my back.

2006jun20. Reading John McPhee’s Uncommon Carriers (amazon sales rank #84), which has a section devoted to Port Revel, a “ship-handling training center” where ship pilots go to learn advanced boating techniques. When pilots arrive at Port Revel, they scoff and laugh because everything is at 1/25th scale. But then get in the boats and find that scale doesn’t matter, they have just as much difficulty piloting these little ships as the big ones. There are some videos on the site that may work for you but my video capabilities have been lousey as of late. Perhaps you will see the tiny container ship. Inside the containers? Doll tennis shoes.

I went and saw John McPhee the other day at a City Arts Blah Blah Blah thing through the good graces of a friend who threw her ticket at me as she was feeling a bit under the weather. I actually had two tickets and dragged the other along in case someone wanted it.

1) A man outside the venue asked if I had any extra tickets. This is good, because he apparently needed a ticket.
2) I gave him the ticket. He asked how much, I said, “keep it.” This is good, because it is like karma.
3) I went in and had seats open on either side of me the entire night. This is good, because I like having the seats empty next to me.
4) I then realized that the empty seats meant he was a scalper who sat around outside trying to sell the ticket, failed, and bailed instead of enjoying the Magic of John McPhee & His Supertight Backup Band Experience. This is good because fuck him.

2006jun21. The Spinning Touchdown. Throwing a stricken aircraft into a spin before crash-landing by blowing away one of the wings. I’m no aviation expert, but wouldn’t the plane have to be spinning at an insane rate to generate enough lift to even start to counteract the drop? Why am I even thinking about the feasibility of this?

Also just ran into this domain name: mp3shits.com.

2006jun21. Macros2000: Another 38 macros.

2006jun21. Oh yeah, about that NASCO thing I was railing on earlier. My mistake, Bush doesn’t want to create a special extra-legal section for the proposed quarter-mile-wide freeway going from Mexico to Canada. No, he wants to merge the United States with Mexico and Canada. Wow, here’s a guy who thinks big. Can we just drop the CFR into a big pit and cover it up with very heavy dirt? This should be the story covered by the media right now. Okay, I’ll give them until tomorrow. [hat tip: doc]

2006jun23. Mail.

Hey, boring website bug report – the entry for <x>, now with Retsyn® doesn’t work, I’m guessing because it ends up with the circled R in the URL which breaks the internet.

It wouldn’t bother me, but I’ve read EVERY SINGLE OTHER MACRO and it’s causing a gnawing emptiness in my soul.


It is fixed, Tom. I would have sent you email, but you didn’t include your email address, so I had to go and bug everyone else, wake up ‘em early on Friday Freeday. Which reminds me.

Friday Freeday.

Royksopp: Remind Me [4 min]. Ten years ago I would have said “this is a great music video” but now I am saying “this is one of the most depressing music videos I’ve ever seen.”

Sleeper: What Do I Do Now [3 min]. (Wenner: My Life as a Pop Star) Yes, I had a dumb crush on her, are you quite done now?

Julie Chen’s Greatest “But First” Moments [30 sec]. My guess is that this is the crisp knife edge before we start seeing a LOT more of these sorts of video clips, like those German photographers who took multiple photos of similar industrial factories. Yes, we all had the idea beforehand, not necessarily with Julie Chen and/or industrial factories, but you’ve got to actually sit down and do it. Nobody needs idea factories, they need worker ro-bots.

2006jun23. A mysterious stranger sent along a pointer to probably the best way to explore the industrial “multiple” photographs I mentioned from Bernd and Hilla Becher. It’s multiples of multiples!

2006jun24. I think Youtube just made a change in their software, probably as a fob to the RIAA ... you can’t just start up a video segment and change focus to a new window, or even keep focus on the youtube window and scroll down – as soon as the video is off the screen, it stops. So now I can’t listen to music videos anymore, because I don’t watch the damn things, I go off and work on other things while the music is playing in the “cans,” or headphones. And that’s the whole point.

Update: That was some sort of bizarre anomaly with my delicious system. Worked fine after re-boot. Huh.

2006jun24. I need social engineering retraining. I met a good friend at the Ferry Building to-day to admire overpriced vegetables and whatnot and there was an opportunity to re-direct a laptop’s web browser to her webcam that points at her cats 24/7 (I still don’t know how that’s possible, but okay), and I chickened out. Later I went into Hotel Nikko to use the payphone. Why would you use the crap ones on the street, always always go into hotels. There was a guy tinkling on a piano, the payphones were clean and operating perfectly. On the way to the phones there were women from Aloha airlines greeting all the hotel guests at the top of the escalator with leis and when she got to me she was about to lei me and I made a motion like I’m-not-part-of-this-group and she got it and there was no leiing. Then on the way back I thought “well, hell yes I want a lei, damned the consequences” because I never got one in Hawaii (those cost $36, major credit cards accepted, not a joke) so I tried to time it so they weren’t busy with anyone but no such luck, and I wasn’t going to wait for a lei because I’m a guy who’s on the go so instead I opened the front doors and ascended verily into my totally awesome future.

2006jun25. Two overheard encounters with children today.

1) An approximately two-year-old child stands on a sidewalk, gesturing and shouting at me. His language is incomprehensible. The father eggs him on with equally incomprehensible shouts. Back and forth. This is how we learn English.

2) Another ~two-year-old almost runs into me in the San Francisco Arboretum. I dodge. The mother speaks to the child: “The next person who runs into you may not be so nice. Did you drop your slug?” In her reality, I clearly endangered the child, not to mention the slug incident. There are many realities out there. Watch out for them!

2006jun25. Amazing overreach by Homeland Security. Man held for six hours for a bench warrant from 2004. He was also told he could have been held for selling t-shirts without a permit. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT HOMELAND SECURITY

2006jun25. Not Yours To Give.