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2005sep04. I’ve been mostly away from all media sources for the last week, so I’m catching up on the horror and devastation as I’m sure you all have been. And, to the tons of people who are ending up at this site from nolab|ogs -- that was back when Doctor Cliff had space at Cardhouse – now he’s got his own address at doctorcliff.com. He was able to get out of New Orleans before the storm hit.

2005sep04. I am recommending a book. It is two years old now (happy birthday!). It is “In Me Own Words: The Autobiography Of Bigfoot” by Graham Roumieu. I was crying with laughter, and then the sunscreen got in there and I was really crying. But before the sunscreen? Actual laugh-crying. The drawings are great and subtle and perfect.

Me have opinion
what happen world me ask? Me once believe in good. Now, no. World go shit, just like bigfoot screenwriting career. Me write story once about bigfoot who hate life work for corporation. He form club with other bigfoot and fight in basement. Soon many clubs. It star me, Lou Ferigno and Pat Morita. It called tussel club. Hollywood say I crazy. Now Pat Morita no return calls. He snob. He no get christmas card. Maybe I smash with log.

2005sep05. American Apparel: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing. [via stayfree]

2005sep06. Is there any sort of clearinghouse for the intensely personal stories of those people who have been displaced by Katrina? I’ve run into two thus far, and to me it’s a cut above reading news speak: [ 1 2 ]

2005sep07. Another personal account [via peacedividend] Also, a four-parter by a nurse (1 2 3 4) [via jwz]

2005sep07. I tend not to travel with a “pack.” Even on the freeway, packs of cars slowly engulf me, then continue on their way – I drive just a tiny bit slower than the clusters. So it’s taken me this long to realize that when you visit a restaurant with a large amount of people (as I did the other day) -- and they have that guaranteed gratuity for parties of n or more – you’ve just magically created a situation in which you will get the worst service in the place. Why would the waiter bust his or her ass to take your order, get food on your table, etc? Yeah, it’s just like a taxi, move ’em in, move ’em out, more people, more tips – but seriously, it was like watching one of those long time-lapse animations where everything else is moving very quickly yet you’re in Molassesland (kids five and under free!). Bringing you the news you need to know now no. [Oh, and since someone asked: Figaro Ristorante Italiano {which is also known as “House of Gnocchi” ... bizarre} on Columbus in San Francisco. Getting the $9 in change back from them was also a delightful study in the art of delay.]

2005sep08. The Sneeze has a two-part interview with Adam Savage of TV’s “Mythbusters” [ 1 2 ]. In Part 2, Adam talks about The Mythtanic, which I ran into sitting dockside in Alameda earlier this year. I was all like “can I get your autograph? you know, for my fake kids?” and Mythtanic was all aloof and shit. Celebrities.

2005sep09. Mail.

I BOUGHT A NAME BRAND MATH BOOK. IT HAD 2 ANSWERS WRONG. I GOT VERY UPSET BECAUSE IT UPSET MY GRAND-DAUGHTER WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE LEARNING FROM THIS BOOK. THE NAME BRAND HAS MANY MANY OTHER PRODUCTS ALSO. I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. TO ME THIS IS PUNITIVE DAMAGES. THE BOOK NEEDS TO BE TAKEN OFF THE MARKET. MY GRAND-DAUGHTER IS ONLY 6 YRS. OLD. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT A COMPANY LIKE THIS COULD PUBLISH A LEARNING BOOK WITH 2 NOT 1 MATH PROBLEM. GO FIGURE

- JERRY

Sometimes when I’m on the street and no one’s looking I hide behind things. It’s like my little island of sanity in this crazy cement dystopia I call “home.”

2005sep09. Achewood: Pat’s Aquarium.

2005sep12. Deuce of Clubs: Why I Left Burning Man – and Why I’m Returning.

2005sep13. For awhile now, I’ve been wondering how one is supposed to clean wax out of one’s ears if one is not supposed to use cotton swabs. Remember the old teevee commercial? “And never put anything inside your ear ... except your elbow.” So finally, in Chinatown the other day, I found it ... the holy grail of ear cleaning ... the metal ear pick of jamming.

2005sep14. This American Life: ROCK ’N’ ROLL LIBRARY!!!! [real audio link; download media player classic to play it instead of horrendous real player] A rock-n-roll combo “rocks out” at various Michigan-based libraries. The drummer for the band (The High Strung), Derek, is the brother of Scott Berk, Cardhouse’s Staff Chemist.

2005sep14. Oh yeah, RE “ear cand1ing” ... The Straight Dope has already taken a look at it. And it’s shite.

2005sep14. Mail.

no, no, no ... remember? it was schoolhouse rock or some crap, and they said, “never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow” (sure to confuse/harm hordes of small childrens)

also, the elephant had all like pumpkins and junk coming out of his ears.

love, Random Uncle

I don’t remember. It may be a common enough saying that it was both in Schoolhouse Rock and the commercial I seem to recall. Perhaps we can sit here and someone else will do the detective work for us. [sitting]

2005sep15. I need a piece of cake. What I would do, is the cake would be sitting on its plate in front of me, and then I would just collapse and my face would go right into the cake. I call this the Comfort Smoosh.

2005sep16. I have this website. It is called “number one entry on google for that topic. Then, other people (who think that the internet consists solely of businesses) search on google – for say, cigarettes – and find my site. Then they write me about business. And I write back, because I always answer my email.

Yes, I am interested in an uncut sheet of playing cards. Can you please email the prices on a new set.

That is awesome.

Thanks, [name]

Don’t mention it.

---

Sometimes I secretly BCC my friends, because they need to know about this important ... uh ... information. I guess.

Doc: ”That is awesome.” that could be your standard response to inane emails.

Me: It’s a pretty good one, as far as standard responses go.

THAT IS AWESOME!

GOOD WORK!

KEEP IT UP!

So the next day, another email. This is not surprising. My response follows.

I am about to start a billboard company and is looking for a supplier. I have interest in 10x20ft billboards. Could you provide a quotation for the artwork(vinyl prinout) only?

Yes! I can! Here it comes! Are you ready?

“That is awesome.”

or even

“That is something right there.”

You could do this up in a Hobo font, maybe. Or ummm, Impacta. You need something that’s thick, that’s going to catch people’s eyes. Not like Bodoni. Helvetica Inserat.

Please see enclosure.

The email is apparently read. Another email comes.

How much would it cost for the artwork prinout? Please reply!

For “That is something right there” I would charge you $100. For “That is awesome,” without the comma, it would be less, because it takes up less ink. So ummm, $82. Plus a piece of chocolate cake. With chocolate frosting. NO NUTS.

2005sep17. Sometimes I lose track of old friends and it vexes me. So I start clawing through the evil zabasearch and various other directories and I find them after (say) six years of silence. “Hey, it’s me! Do you totally remember me? Remember ... the good times?” But prior to that it’s speaking to a lot of people who have the same name as my quarry. Usually, nothing of note happens, but this time, 2x goodness. One of the first calls, a guy answered and said “hello,” and then his parrot said “hello.” So wonderful. “Put the parrot on.” During another call, I had to explain to the guy that he wasn’t the person I was looking for. He paused and said “and you can tell over the phone?” “PUT THE PARROT BACK ON

In other news, my printer now refuses to print Arial. “I like your style, printer.”

2005sep19. Good introduction to Jason Shiga’s comics.

2005sep20. No, really. You don’t have to open a new window for me when I click on your link. I got it. Really. Jesus.

2005sep20. Deuce of Clubs: Interview with John Putch, director of the film Mojave Phone Booth.

2005sep21. Martha Stewart’s new show considered. Still say the old episode with special guest star Cookie Monster was mighty fine TV.

2005sep21. The Believer interview: Mark Mothersbaugh.

2005sep22. Quality Gift Suk. Ehhhhhhhhhh ... three iron?

2005sep22. So I’ve been going on these walks. They’re like, “exercise” or something, even though they’re really to help me think, ’cause apparently “exercise” helps your brain as well. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Anyway, I’ve been kind of tottering down to the bay taking roughly the same route at approximately the same time most every day and occasionally I see this guy putting flyers for a well-known conservative-owned women’s-only fitness club on the windshields of cars. It’s no skin off my back to make small modifications to my route so I’m following his unchanging path in reverse – except instead of putting shitty flyers on cars, I’m removing them. It’s Bizarro world unadvertising! Please do not enjoy a fitness flyer today!

2005sep23. More tinkering with Macros. Still on “G,” with occasional forays into earlier/later letters as old email messages burble up to the surface.

Do you want to fight, or do you want to surf!
This is from Apocalypse Now, when Kilgore (Robert Duval) implores the young PBR operator (Sam Bottoms) to make a choice. It is best when bellowed in a Duval-like hoarseness to an indecisive friend. It can also be altered in other situations when an immediate choice is needed, such as “Do you want to fight, or do you want to drink (or shop, or drive, or something like that).” (brody 2001)

GIT-R-DONE®
What is to be done? “R” is to be done. Somehow, through the divine blessings of Baby Jesus, I was able to avoid this particular phrase until the summer of 2005. This is the catch phrase of “Larry the Cable Guy,” apparently a regular fixture on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. There are “Git-R-Done®” ringtones (“You know you’re a redneck™ if your cellphone rings and it’s coming from inside your hot cousin!”), a book, a DVD, a Git-R-Done™® Rebel Advantage Classic Hat (Camo), a Git-R-Done® Tropical Get-A-Way T-Shirt (Light Blue), etc. I have yet to actually hear this phrase spoken – I am only familiar with the phrase through my initial sighting (Git-R-Done® Window Lettering) and follow-up online research. Spoken in same guttural tone as LIFT IT UP. At least one t-shirt transfer shop (they still exist?) has been spanked for copyright infringement (“G17221 $1.05 It now says GET-ER-DONE”).

LIFT IT UP
At some point in the distant past all of my friends and I went nuts and bought $100 remote-control trucks. We invented a game, Truck Soccer, played with a real soccer ball. After awhile, I acquired a used remote-control CAT front-loader and had intended to sabotage an upcoming Truck Soccer game with its wily loading and fronting. But all it could do is bray “LIFT IT UP” in a guttural construction worker-like voice when you pushed a little speaker button, just like real CAT front-loaders. It refused to LIFT IT UP, or even move, really. A sad memory. Spoken in the same manner as GIT-R-DONE.

Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor, mantenganse alejados de los puertas.
English part delivered in wooden white-guy voice, Spanish part delivered in slightly accented, exotic wooden white-guy voice. Use in, uh, in automatic door situations. (britain w 1997)

In other news, I am a big fan of fruit leather. For eating.

2005sep23. Achewood: Cornelius Bear considers the ill effects of gambling. Is youth, particularly the ability to metabolize sausage, truly wasted on the young?

2005sep24. Wakey, wakey, toast and quakey. Huh, thought it was about a 2.5. I give this 3.2 an 8.8 – a gentle shaker with a tiny touch of a snap to it. Heard it coming – “oh yeah, earthqua --” and by then it was gone.

2005sep26. Flickr: Saw a yacht on the bay today. It was ... well-equipped. Roll over the enlarged photos for the delicious notes that I have added, free of charge.

2005sep28. Flickr: The teddy bear has something he’d like to share.

2005sep28. Alone by Admiral Richard Byrd. The entire book, online. A gripping cubicle read.

2005sep30. Mimi Smartypants observes narrative shift in Curious George series. Also noted for being filled with good words and phrases: silver rectangles, yurt, Chewbacca, CardioSpaz, pneumatic tube, monkey digestive juice.

2005sep30. Hey, that’s exciting ... sour stomach. I haven’t been mildly ill in a long time. Can I turn this “body” thing in for like a circuit board or something? A circuit board with wheels, gotta jam when I’m feeling tight. And a speaker. And one little blinking light that I can activate. “That’s the bomb’s pre-detonation sequence,” I can announce from my little tinny speaker. “You’ve been pre-approved ... to explode!” Then I jam while cackling madly.

2005sep30. I missed this when it rolled around: Omnivisu (movie).