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2005oct01. Ask Metafilter: How Not To Cry.

2005oct01. Photo: What are those things?

2005oct02. Here’s a little bit of hell I wasn’t aware of: UK’s SPECS speed-trap camera. Two cameras, measuring your average speed between two points, up to six miles apart (from what I understand). Ugh, ugh, ugh.

2005oct02. Maakies: Barbeque Barbeque Barbeque.

2005oct02. I will pay someone $500 to knock me out cold into 2007. No freaks.

2005oct02. "However, cats in particular, might take a liking to your bed with the Negative(-) polarity!”

2005oct02. I just got an imaginary cat, a calico named “Duncan” ’cause he’s such a yo-yo! No, Duncan ... oh god, not the face AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2005oct03. I could go for some bologna right now.

2005oct04. So DARPA is hosting this Grand Challenge thing again. Robot vehicles. Not remote control – these are vehicles that can maneuver around a given area, avoid obstacles, etc, independently. Like you or I, but with less swearing and more battery drainage. Like a Rhoomba, but way bigger and no cleaning. Last year, everyone sucked. In the future, when random killing machines are driving through our houses, we can look back and say, “I remember when they couldn’t get their shit together.” This movie clip from the Princeton Team is priceless. It’s almost perfect comic timing. Also, I must say for someone who doesn’t really get creeped out by technology, just watching this movie squicked me out. Oh look it up already. [via lemonodor.com]

2005oct04. I cannot stop watching the video.

2005oct04. So there’s this movie. It’s called Snakes on a Plane. And everybody jumps on board because ... Snakes on a Plane. Then they change the name to “US Air Flight 2984” or something. Then they change it back, which pleases Mr. Jackson. A screenwriter lovingly/humorously discusses the phenomenon here. Destiny-land does some crucial research here and finds a wonderful movie poster. I’m sensing imminent internet comedy memegold, if it hasn’t already happened.

2005oct04. Apparently the Ravelco dongle-based anti-theft device has never been compromised, unlike every other alarm system out there including the ones that the manufacturer installs, also including OnStar (they just break off the antenna. duh). But one of the testimonials is priceless:

“I have had your Ravelco system in my last three vehicles and feel very protected with them. A year or so ago I heard a viscous [glub glub – ed.] rumor that the Ravelco system could be bypassed with a potato. As silly as it sounds, even some auto mechanics were stating that “all a car thief had to do was cut a potato in half and jam it into the face of the Ravelco and my car would start.” I did not argue with them because I really did not know. Even a few police officers told me that they heard that same story. I contacted your office concerning this matter and someone sent me a copy of a letter to you in 1993 from the Chief of Police of Houston stating that “the potato rumor has been proven to be false and should not be disseminated by any employee of the Houston Police Department.” Last week we were at the Astrodome watching a ball game. Astros won again! When we came out, someone had broken in and attempted to steal our GMC Yukon. They actually tried to stick a potato in the Ravelco! A few parts of the potato were still stuck in the Ravelco and I had to clean them out with a tooth pick in order to insert my Ravelco Plug. They must have felt like real fools when nothing happened! What is this world coming to? Are people nuts? Who the heck makes up these stupid rumors? Anyway thanks for an excellent product!” – Ferdinand LaMoske, Baytown, Texas

Also noted for another testimonial ending: “Chocky Pelamonte, Seekonk, Massachusetts.” Great name. [via cool tools which is very cool indeed]

2005oct05. Because two domains are never enough, I’ve started another, called Phoneswarm. To read more about it, check out the "faq.”

2005oct05. This one’s for all you territory-markers out there: The Theory of the Hairy Arm.

2005oct05. DJ Food – Raiding the 20th Century – Words & Music Expansion. 70mb mp3. With Paul Morley narrating a 59-minute tour through the history of cut-up music. Absolutely essential.

2005oct06. What I would like to do is smack my head on my monitor some more after trying to get wmv files to play in firefox with media player classic.

2005oct07. You know, back when I got my service pin for being Web1og #30, I was most excited about the possibility of criminal-based web1ogs. Where are all of the Bandit Journals? “Yesterday I stole. And it was good.” I mention this because some woman dropped her pocketbook outside of Trader Joe’s and her and her friends were oblivious and then I picked it up and walked it over to them. That’s when you lose things, when your friends are blathering on and on about some new skin condition that’s all the rage and you’re like “Jesus, that is the most amazing thing ever” and there goes the pocketbook. Anyway, back in my vehicular conveyance of choice, I realized that in a parallel universe, someone could have just waltzed off with the pocketbook. Finders keepers, right? That’s the law of the briny deep. At least that’s what the captain told me. There was totally a guy with a captain’s hat in Trader Joe’s. That was the point I was trying to get to, or not at all.

2005oct07. So what do you have to do to find happiness? They say that money can’t buy happiness, but then I bet “they” haven’t gone without health insurance ever in “their” life, among other things. Who said that, anyway? Concussions for Mr. Pithy.

2005oct07. Mail.

Can I order Bloonies?

No. You are afflicted with Bloonies.

2005oct07. Fruit-shaped bus stops of Ishaya, Japan. [via Japundit via Zippy the Pinhead via Laughing Squid]

2005oct07. Kunstler? Would haaaaaaaaaate fruit-shaped bus stops.

2005oct07. An amusing side-note: Google maps also does Japan, but in Japanese. For instance, here is what I believe is Kojima, a small town I trundled through last year. It amuses me to no end that America, the UK, and Japan are joined as one on a world map, and yet the notational languages are different. Also, dumb Google Maps hint #7912a: You can use the “ctrl minus” key to enlarge the mapping area, and “ctrl equals” to shrink it. This also makes the text shrink/enlarge, but if you’re all about maximizing your mapspace, it’s handy little thing.

2005oct08. The titles of Japanese horror movies that are not Tomie discovered while looking for same for a friend:

Sex Demon Metropolis: Vampire Madonna
Flesh Meat Doll 3
Shiny Moss
High School Ghosthustlers
Crazy Lips
Rusted Body: Guts of a Virgin III
Deddo a goo! goo! (Dead A Go! Go!)
Restaurant of Many Orders, The
Airline Stewardess Captured by a Sex-Sadist
Multiple Personality Detective Psycho – Kazuhiko Amamiya Returns
Ghost Mansion’s Horror: A Bloodsucking Doll, The
Ghost-Cat Wall of Hatred
Ghost-Cat Cursed Pond, The
Weak-kneed from Fear of Ghost-Cat
Don’t Look Up
Guinea Pig: Android of Notre Dame
La Blue Girl Live 1: Revenge of the Sex Demon King
Ghost Story of Broken Dishes at Bancho Mansion
World Apartment Horror
Peony Lantern Sex Story
Organ

You didn’t even see the broken dishes. It was just a guy, telling you all about what happened with the broken dishes. Nice place, though.

2005oct08. I’m trying to get a handle on reading translated Japanese web1ogs through google. And I keep running into little images like this:

And that’s so scary ... because I’m guessing that you can take a snapshot of it with your cellphone and then that translates to the web1og’s url. No fuss, no muss, mother scratcher. Gotta get me one of those. It’s the crappy avatar of the 21st century.

2005oct08. Flickr: CIA sabotage manual.

2005oct09. The new Wallace & Gromit film is splendid, and just before that there’s a short called “The Christmas Caper” which involves four penguins (that apparently appeared in a film called Madagascar which I know nothing about). It’s important to show up early for the short, because one of the penguins licks a candy cane in slow motion. This was a tactical lick, very germane to moving the plot along. Penguin slo-mo tactical candy cane lick. Penguin slo-mo tactical candy cane lick. Why, that could be this week’s Snakes on a Plane.

2005oct10. The cartoon cat has a problem with Trader Joe’s.

2005oct10. Awesome lazy writing at CBS news. “A growing number of Americans want U.S. troops to leave Iraq as soon as possible, rather than stay the course ... ” Why not just slide your whole big ole’ butt into that barrel of Bush phraseology, there, CBS.

2005oct11. Mimi Smartypants recently pointed to this mirror of a school lunch menu which features Italian Dunkers. Italian Dunkers. I couldn’t find one link to “Italian Dunkers” that wasn’t somehow wrapped up in the foodservice industry either for schools or institutions. I believe the actual name of this delicacy is “Slop Extender.” Of course someone already covered it, but this is just my night gig. During the day, I’m a high-powered. Guy.

2005oct11. Spanking Bear Replica Box. Only $139. [via rusty]

2005oct11. One-way bird window feeders. ROCK [FX: devil horn hand salute here]

2005oct11. David Bryne creates a musical instrument out of a factory. Also noted for this observation:

Swedish information: If a cop is chasing you and you’re on a motor scooter you can escape by taking off your helmet. It seems the cops might then run the risk of being accused of causing an accident and resulting injury, so they give up the chase.

There have been a number of holdups of Brinks type trucks here recently. No one is ever hurt – though cars are sometimes blown up or set on fire. And the robbers always get away. Maybe they remove their helmets?

2005oct11. Days after mentioning that full-screen google maps thing, the map now becomes full-screen automatically. So ignore that.

2005oct11. This Yali Asian Pear tastes like eating water.

2005oct12. The Big Space Fuck, by Kurt Vonnegut.

2005oct12. Break a guy’s nose, get a free Chinese dinner.

2005oct12. A campaign speech by Bruce Conner as a candidate for the office of supervisor (San Francisco, 1967):

Apple pie
Cherry
Chocolate
Rhubarb
Pumpkin
Mince meat ...
Banana cream!

Marble cake
Cheese cake
Seven layer
Vanilla cup cake
Angel food
Strawberry short cake ...
Cream puff!

Hot fudge sundae
Chocolate malt
Chocolate eclair
Chocolate chip cookie
Rocky road double dip
Salt water taffy ...
Sunday bunch!

Toffee candy
Peaches and cream
Cherry tarts
Chocolate covered raisins
Lime sherbert
Blackberry jello ...
Red hots!

Plum pudding
Licorice stick
Cinnamon toast
Cracker jack
Orange popsicle
Strawberry snow cone ...
One gallon of kool-aid!

2005oct12. A guy in the library today was listening to Tuvan throat singing on the library computer. Volume: cranked. Then he moved onto to some other songs that sounded like something was horribly wrong inside the computer. Then back to throat singing. I have nothing to say here, it’s just that when you think you’ve insulated yourself from dealing with the follies of humankind somehow some dipshit is able to slip through the cracks. “I’m in a library! What could possibly ... oh, loud Tuvan throat singing. How stupid of me.”

2005oct13. Consider the magical world of costumed animals.

2005oct13. I WILL SMOOSH YOU ... WITH. LOVE. Fabric ro-bots. [via boingboing]

2005oct13. Mail.

I am looking for flip-it machines, in Las Vegas or in Reno. A quarter is flipped by a rotating brush onto a ledge. There it is pushed by a “broom” to the end of the ledge where it “may” fall onto the next ledge, etc. The last time I saw one was on a cruise ship. And no, they don’t have them at the Four Queens anymore.

THEY HAVE THEM AT THE FOUR QU – Oh. Perhaps one of our darling, over-educated, sexy readers has an answer for you. “Our"? I’m still doing that “our” thing? Sigh.

2005oct14. Achewood: Ray undergoes a common surgical procedure.

2005oct14. Followup/Distraction. Web -1.0.

2005oct15. Letters can be so cruel.

2005oct15. Mail.

I’m asking you now if you could help me do this. Do you want to do this. CAN we do this? Help me find the confidence.
[image]

Well. Here’s something ... is this what you had in mind?

2005oct17. It is time for me to compose my yearly “Ode to Autumn,” probably one of the most beloved and talked-about features of this website function. I am moved to poignancy when the trees are suffused with golden hues that are the true meaning of the word “treasureal.” And now. The ode. [SFX: ode preparation]

Remember that summer in NYC
When all the women wore slips?
Yeah, that.

2005oct17. For those of you having problems getting through to the number posted at Phoneswarm, there is now a new number, in a heavier-trafficked location.

2005oct18. [Cardhouse] The Lucky Skull Archive of Free EPS Clip Art. I don’t know where all the high-quality free EPS clip art is hiding. So I’ve made an area for my own little images and projects that you might find some use for. Perhaps.

2005oct18. Today is going to be another ducks day, I can tell. A day when the ducks are needed.

2005oct19. The miraculous freedback system of your body.

2005oct19. Google loses ’gmail.com’ in Britain. This is awesome, paving the way for lawsuits-a-plenty and many different versions of hundreds, thousands of domains. Perhaps cardhouse.com in Croatia will be some guy’s phone card collection. In Brazil? A back-room poker website.

2005oct19. Clock of the Long Now article in Discover. The closest town will be Ely, Nevada, which is quite a nice little place. [via jwz]

2005oct20. I want a cupcake.

2005oct20. Cool Tools: House Concerts.

2005oct20. A new low for The Onion: Missing Girl Elected To Aruban Parliament.

2005oct20. Another quick and dirty thing what I made. I wanted psychosis for the eye, I got innocence. Still learning, every day I am! That hand, though – I know it’s bad. It’s like a hybrid of ped-hand and real hand. Look at that pinky, it’s freakishly real, yet in a sideways fashion. So wrong. I'll tear that off for some other Unspecified Future Hand Project. I used to have a program that would generate ped-hands, but it’s been lost in this firetrap of a computer. Now let me tell you about my grandkids. Zzzzz

2005oct20. Something Awful: Halloween Costumes.

2005oct24. So on the way to LA this weekend we somehow ended up coming up with the name of an organization that was nothing but potential. A mascot, logo, ribbon magnet designs and t-shirt concepts followed shortly thereafter. Throughout the weekend we hustled for new members, perhaps invigorated during a campaign lull by a visit to the Hare Krishna Museum in Culver City. Then I got home and came up with this quick five-second logo from what we had discussed.

After that I bothered to do a “search engine” search and discovered that there already is an ASOA. Perhaps “American Society of Americans"? We will come up with something. Eagle-eyed readers will remember that the circle logo was used for one of Cardhouse’s “splash screens.” If you don’t know what a splash screen is, don’t ask. We were all younger then, not really sure what would happen with the web. But now we know. Pornography.

2005oct24. Mail.

Re: American Society of Americans,

Funny idea.

I might warn you that your logo is drifting dangerously close to Captain America’s Shield. Just a heads up, Don’t know if this changes anything, but I thought you should know.

K

Captain America’s shield has two red stripes. The (formerly) ASOA symbol has one red stripe. A crucial difference, as one of anything in graphic design parlance represents all of that item whereas two of anything represents two. An American-led Coalition of Americans for America? America Amalgamated? American America?

2005oct24. U-shaped skywalk jutting out into the Grand Canyon. Right. You would have to pay me to go out on that thing, not charge me $25. Wait ... glass bottom? No way, sister. No freakin’ way. Someone’s gotta clean that glass, though. Maybe they’ll have ro-bots do it. Ro-bots aren’t afraid of anything. And again, Snopes is there with the non-urban legend urban legend. I remember while I was in LA, everyone wasn’t talking about that craaaaaaaazy Grand Canyon skywalk. American American American? America’s ... AMERICA! Ameramerican Contingent? Citizens of America in America for America?

2005oct25. Chug.

2005oct25. Mail.

what’s it gonna take from us to get you to write somethin new about geese?

Well, since the geese are now with other people, in another state, about the only thing I can do is either write about geese in general, or purchase some geese and move somewhere where I can raise them. But that’s not going to happen, I would get two ducks before I would get geese. Ducks are quiet, more even-tempered. But there is no room for ducks here and ducks are not allowed.

2005oct25. Operation Eden: The Surreal Life: East of Eden.

2005oct25. Wal-Mart urges Congress to raise minimum wage. ”We have no idea how to increase our worker’s salaries. We look to Congress for guidance. Wait, are you buying this? What else do I have here ... [FX: rummaging]”

2005oct25. Sometimes when I’m feeling a little off-balance and I’m also out shopping I tend to buy one really stupid snack-like item. Today I purchased a two-dollar sponge cake. Don’t ever purchase the two-dollar sponge cake.

2005oct29. Mail.

The large rectangular gifs are bewildering. Please explain. Also, while you’re at it, could you explain this PBF comic? Why is the goat skeleton there? WHAT HAPPENED?

I cannot explain the normally colorful large rectangular gifs, one of which appears directly below. Wow, it’s really black! In the third panel of the comic, the lovesick male yells up at the goat. If you look to the very left of the panel, you will notice that the cliff that goat is standing on is cracking, it’s just like an overhang of ice and snow. His yelling brought down the cliff on the both of them, and of course the goat rode the mini-avalanche down and by the fourth panel it’s spring and they’re all dead the end.

2005oct29. Decaf Latte.

2005oct29. Flickr: The pizza is suspect.

2005oct29. Mail.

now, i want to show you how i can make blood squirt from my eye sockets – you are single, right?

Must be some halloween thing.

2005oct31. If you are typing an email to a person via “B|ogger” and you try to close the entire tab/window “B|ogger” asks you “Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Navigate away. “Are you sure you want to accept the duties of a sea-faring captain, shang-hai 40 sturdy men peppered with a few alcoholics, stow the mizzenmast and embark on a frightening ocean voyage of discovery, revenge, scurvy, treasure, scurvy again, and redemption from this page?”

It represents Halloween.