2005jul29. Mail.
Dear Chief Executive of Food City:
I ask you to protect all decent minded customers, and children especially, from being exposed to headlines like these at your supermarket’s checkout lines or your supermarkets period:
Supersize Your Sex Life:
Take Home 10 Tasty Tips
From the World’s Lustiest Lovers
50 Tricks for Outstanding
Orgasms:
NC-17 Seduction Moves
Applause-Worthy Foreplay
Sex Secrets of Women Men Love
Magazines like FHM, Hot Rod, Guitar,Low
Riders, Stuff, Maxime and other magazines have been playing up sexually
lurid headlines and images, apparently vying with each other to be the
most shocking.
A national opinion poll conducted by Wirthlin
Worldwide in September 1999 found that 73% of Americans thought the display
of such headlines at supermarket checkout counters to be “inappropriate,”
and 60% favor a store policy of not displaying them at all. I believe
that a “family oriented” supermarket like yours should behave differently
from the most irresponsible elements of our nation’s entertainment media.
Wouldn’t you agree? Would you put those magazines in your home where your
children could read them? Would you let them carry them to school? Or would
you let your daughters pose for one of those covers? I think not. Then
why should “WE” be exposed to such material when we are doing such a simple
thing as grocery shopping with our families. I am not asking that you change
”your” moral ideas but at least respect mines..” When we consider that
the greatest of evils to befall anyone is the eternal loss of one’s soul
to hell, how we should dread to be the cause or the occasion of sin for
anyone!”
Sincerely,
[person’s name]
cc:US Attorney General
Federal Obscenity Complaint Board
Dear X:
Thank you for writing. If more customers would step forward and give their opinions about what type of moral stance we should take, perhaps we’d be better able to serve our consumer base. I’m afraid I don’t find the headlines you quote ”shocking,” and really the “images” you speak of consist of what they used to call “cheesecake” back in the 1950s, though back then they didn’t have a squad of Photoshop experts to remove all secondary sexual characteristics (nipples, pubic hair, etc). I have looked at these magazines, and they confuse me: either you purchase porn, or you don’t. Yet, here’s this boring middle-of-the-road publication (or rather, raft of publications) which is all about what you cannot see, indeed, what has been excised by the aforementioned squad. Puzzling. Anyway. Back to your shrill letter. The opinion poll you’ve mentioned is very interesting in that 100% of these Americans actually live in America, and yet 73% of them cannot grasp the simple fact that sometimes, you have to put up with things you don’t like. Because ... we ... live ... in ... AMERICA! Oh sure, the Supreme Court and the Bush clan continue to hollow out the word “freedom,” but there’s still a tiny little bit of gas left in the tank. It’s interesting, though, that somehow the store is able to sell these magazines to a sub-percent of the 27% of people who don’t mind the “lurid” headlines and still make enough profit to justify the shelf space, or am I implying that maybe some of these 73% of people are actually buying the magazines yet taking the “high” road when polled? Also, gotta say “thumbs up” to the sentences in your paragraph where you force your morality onto my theoretical children, that’s really big of you. And my theoretical daughter can go right ahead and pose for the cover of Maxim, since she’s going to be 18 years old, at least, when she does it, and by that age she can make her own theoretical decisions. I love this line: “I am not asking that you change ’your’ moral ideas but at least respect mines.” Mines are actually very dangerous, they should be closed off when not in use. But seriously, you are asking me to change “my” moral ideas. You’re filled with holy roller poison, it’s sloshing around there in your brain and destroying your capacity for logical thought. Keep fearing the fires of hell, it’s how they keep you in line while you’re serving time here on planet earth. I really don’t think seeing “lurid” words and images written on the cover of a magazine constitutes a sin – unless, you know, your brain starts thinking of other sexy things, and then whose fault is it, really? The magazine? Or is it really you? No, it’s got to be the devil controlling a portion of your brain, that’s how you'll make peace with yourself and believe yourself to be sin-free. That’s how your insane 2000-year-old ghost story racket works, you lay down the Word and the Word is good, except for this Part, this Part, and that Part. Selective processing, it’s like being at the salad bar at Wendy’s. ”Oh, I don’t like those kidney-shaped beans, what are they called?” You’re supposed to eat ALL of it. Please enjoy a complimentary subscription to Bizarre Magazine I’ve arranged to have sent to your address.
Fred Q.
Hennesseelee
CEO
PS: Kidney beans, 69 cents a pound, this week only.
PPS: Guitar magazine?