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Cardhouse
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2005jul01. Flickr: Day of the Dead urinal diorama.

2005jul01. Flickr: Urinal mats: a consideration.

2005jul01. Thought crime committed in Chicago.

2005jul01. Mail.

hi I love your candy cigretts I think they are very good. I dont want to smoke when I grow up so I act like I smoke them and my mom is like dont smoke in the house hehe. So I just want to say thank you for making them and tell every one good work for making them.

2005jul01. I love B. Not playing it or anything, just that it’s there.

Cardhouse suffered a huge setback with several analysts urging their clients to ditch the stock as it suffered a public relations disaster. The exact nature of customer dissatisfaction was not known but Samuel Ng was rumoured to have had a hand in it. Industry insiders suspect a Rock Star (artefact) was involved. Cardhouse share price dropped from B$587.70 to B$329.11

Samuel Ng declined to comment on the recent speculation.

Doooooh, that Samuel Ng!!!!! I have no idea what the “rock star” artefact is. Oh, wait:

Having a rock star in your pocket is great because you get a handle on pop culture. Who sets the trends? The rock stars! But be careful. Rock stars tend to get into unsavory business if you leave their leash too long.

Meh?

2005jul04. Magical Satellite Applies Brakes, Cuts Out Accelerator Automatically! There’s absolutely nothing that could wrong with this plan. But really -- it’s not like your garden variety speeder is going much faster than anyone else anyway, and the hot rodders aren’t going to submit to compliance. And if some truck is barreling down on you, well, tough shit, the satellite says you’re slowing down now. Technology will solve all of our problems without creating new ones.

2005jul05. The Museum of Food Anomalies has updated.

2005jul05. Colombia. [via doc]

2005jul06. Bleep Labs. For machines that go “beep beep boop BLOOP boop beep.”

2005jul07. The Stork [mov]. [via stay free]

2005jul07. Nice consumer action discussion of sorts on Plastic.

I live in the first town in the country to tell the cable company where to shove it when they came arrogantly expecting renewal of their monopoly. We can now choose between three phone companies, two cable companies, and three broadband providers, not counting satellite options or cell phones. Our cable rates are lower than in surrounding communities and we get more channels for the same money. (I don’t have a landline phone so I didn’t bother shopping for one.)

If your cable and phone companies are screwing you, go demand that your town end their monopoly. (The phone company may have a state monopoly, but cable seems to usually be locally authorized.) Make absolutely clear that you’re going to be watching the vote on it and that it will determine how you vote on your representative. Also, start a campaign to get your neighbors and residents all over town involved: distribute flyers pointing out that your town could allow competition and that this could improve service and lower rates, or at least hold down rate increases.

2005jul08. In Passing: "The Vegetarian". 2x bonus for using the word “tasty.”

2005jul08. I am still looking for a room to rent in the East Bay / San Francisco area. If you have one of these, please contact me at the link that reads “contact” which is about 11 words ago now 15.

In other news, hood releases are weak and ineffectual. They’re the pansies of the automotive parts world. My suggestion to you is to practice unlatching your hood without using your hood release with a comically large screwdriver (if you damage something, that’s your own problem), or install a supplementary hood release that isn’t the tender frail boo-boo kitty crap manufacturers provide. After finding that the hood latch for my particular vehicular conveyance is not represented (nor the conveyance’s “make”) via any photos on the internet, I began assimilating horror hood release stories from other makes where photos were provided in an attempt to come to some sort of Emperor-of-China’s-nose consensus about what hidden hood latch delights lay secreted underneath a layer of steel. My favorite was the Delorean hood release service bulletin that started with the step “remove the left front wheel” ... ARE THOSE SNOW TIRES LUTZ FEUERABENDT HAW HAW HAW. Sorry, Lutz, I’m in a horrible mood.

2005jul10. The musical influences of Troy Gregory and The Stepsisters.

2005jul10. I bought some nectarines. They have those damned little fruit stickers on them with the number that tells you if it’s organic or not (but really, just look at the price). Some farms have been adding a little nib to the sticker to make it easier to grab and keep photos of your be-stickered colon wall off the internet. So. You know about those price tag stickers that have little cuts in them, right? To delay would-be shoplifters for an extra few seconds, therefore preventing uninvited store inventory loss? Some extremely wise person at the nectarine farm thought it would be a good idea to use the same technology on their stickers, because of all the fruit theft. “How can we make those little fruit stickers ... even more annoying?” This stupid idea is going to spread until we’re all picking at each individual piece of fruit forever to make sure we get every last bit of sticker residue off of it. Yay, technology.

2005jul11. The washer has a dial with which you set the washing time. You pull it out to start it. The dryer has a dial with which you set the drying time. You pull it out to have a dryer dial sitting in your hand.

2005jul11. Sixteen Bottles Of Wine A Day For A Week Performance Art Piece.

2005jul12. Today while waiting for a member of the service industry to finish my paperwork, I noticed Mary Roach’s Stiff on the counter. This is all sort of paraphrased.

“Is that yours?”
“Yeah.”
“How is that ... I’ve been meaning to check it out.”
“It’s really good ... [something something] I’m occasionally working with Crime Scene Clean-Up and ---”
”Crime Scene Clean-Up!?!?!? Wow.”
“You know Crime Scene Clean-Up? Yeah ... I really want to be a mortician ... [something here about doing work at a local funeral home]”
“Yeah, back in the olden days when I was in high school, they made us take a test that would determine exactly what types of jobs you were suited for ... and almost everyone got “mortician.”
“I think I did something similar ... it said that I would like working with people ... but it didn’t say whether they’d be alive or not.”

She finished up the paperwork, I left and came back later after the thing that I was there for was completed. She had something to say.

“I just wanted to tell you something ... and don’t take this the wrong way ... but you know how people have particular odors? The scent they carry around with them? Well, your odor reminds me of my grandfather.”
“I’m leaving.” [FX: fake to exit door stage right]
“No ... see, I didn’t know if I should say anything. It just reminds me of my grandfather working in the garden. And that’s nice.”
“I’ll take it as a good thing. But when you started in talking about my odor, I thought it was somehow going to tie into the thing with Mary Roach and Crime Scene Clean-Up.”
”No, you don’t smell like a dead person.” [starts laughing, we finish up the last bit of paperwork, she shouts past another customer as I’m leaving] “You smell much better than a dead person!”

This was, and forever more will be, the best conversation I’ve had with someone just after meeting them. I should of told her that if I get capped, I’d want her to do the clean-up. Aww.

2005jul13. Cockeyed: The Golden Ring Diet. Truly amazing! With testimonials!

2005jul14. My Wife Is A Cheap-Ass, America. This is an AWESOME article. The writer talks about tipping, comparing his tipping practices against his wife’s. He’s a standard tipper – 19% in one example – and she’s a bit of a skimmer – 13%. But the beautiful subtext here is at the end of the article. “ ... I refrain from chastising her tips ... ” Dude, you just got PAID to chastise her tips to the freakin’ WERLD, man. Pack your bags, Chateau Doggie awaits!

FYI – I only tip with little plastic babies. If you’re an adequate server? Five babies. But if you’re really good ... ten babies. I know, I know, but I think superior service is worth it.

2005jul14. What Happened to the Geese?

A nice man from Catalina came and got the goose friends on Saturday afternoon. His wife works with Habitat for Humanity and he works for another non-profit that helps people get back on their feet. So, a decent fellow ...

He was interested in the geese not only because he thought his kids would get a kick out of them – he came to get the geese during the kids’ naptime, so they’d have a surprise when they woke up – but because he knew that they can be territorial. He wants that. I think he has some d o p e y d a w g s who aren’t as sentinel-esque as he’d like.

I managed to catch all four geese by myself. I dressed for it – rubber gloves, boots, play clothes. They were squawking and crying -- literally sad tears crying ... and oh so much SLOBBER – and running around frantically. I used one of the big ol’ red towels in a toro-toro manoeuvre to sedate them. Once I was over top of them with the towel, they each gave up ... hunkered down, whimpering. It was heartbreaking. I wrapped them up in the towel so they couldn’t scratch me, and put them in uhaul boxes and taped the lids shut. I put spinach in the boxes for them.

I caught Lono last and gave her extra strokes and hugs – I felt the saddest about letting her go. She was very receptive to affection once she was in my arms. I made cooing noises next to her head and gave her extra spinach. I almost changed my mind right there – but, I know it doesn’t make sense for them to be home lonely all day.

He wrote me this morning that they’re slowly getting used to the new yard – but it’s kinda big for them. They stick within a 6 foot radius of their food and water. I hope their curiosity kicks in ...

But, his kids are thrilled and the geese have a good home, so it’s all ok by me.

-- Molly.

2005jul14. Joy dishwashing liquid has a formulation I wasn’t aware of. Non-Ultra Joy.

2005jul14. You’re totally not listening to the voice in my heart, doc.

2005jul15. Humbird Humbird.

2005jul17. Flickr: Totally me, all the time.

2005jul18. I really liked the short but memorable performance of the “guy in bar” (George Memmoli) in The Sure Thing (there’s this little quaver in his voice when he says the above line that’s just so choice), so I went looking around and I believe he passed away the same year the film was released (1985). Here’s a photo of him (he’s the guy who isn’t Meadowlark Lemon).

2005jul18. Trader Joe’s Item Assessment July 2005.

Any pasta sauce without cheese: still tastes like ass.
Turtle Mountain fake ice cream products. Too much freezer burn in the past, treated with disdain.
Vegetable samosas: tad too oily.
Turkey stromboli: tad too heavy.
Turkey sammich: was $3.39, now $4.19 and smaller. What?
Lime/chili chips: still damn good, but I’m trying to move away from this cheese thing.
Pita chips: still damn good, but I’m trying to move away from this bread thing.
Banana waffles. still damn good, but I’m trying to move away from this barely healthy breakfast stuff.
Nature’s Path toaster pastries: apple is damn good, but (see above).
Tapioca pudding: current low-burn addiction. Guy in bar in The Sure Thing: “I know it’s bad, but I just can’t help myself.”
Spicy bean chips. I have broken my addiction. Now I can eat these once every two months.
Pineapple coconut drink disappeared for awhile. Thought I was going to have to get a broom and clear the shelves, screaming nonsense, and that’s probably getting old.

What happened to those little cookies shaped like “S"s that were half-covered with choklit?
What happened to Black Rabbit Licorice?
What happened to the Vegetarian Ragu Sauce?

2005jul18. Cardhouse Flickr: Mystery Drink Confuses Dozens.

2005jul18. Mail.

I was looking at your web site and there’s a Mogu store [ locations 1 2 ] here in New York where they have those Mee animals. It is a paradise of a store full of pillows and pillow products and the staff totally ignores you as you swing from pillow-vine to pillow-vine to pillow-platform.

2005jul18. Mail. If you remember late last year someone expressed an interest in finding some Chokefriends!® who really aren’t called that. They’re called “Mee,” and made by microbead pillow manufacturer Mogu. Now someone else has expressed an interest in finding one here in the US:

I was in Japan last summer and I bought my baby cousin a very similar toy that I think was “Mee,” except it was a plastic alarm clock that sang and when you put several of them together they’d sing in harmony ... .anyways, I really like the large stuffed one and if you find any more information on them i’d love to know.

So keep your eyes peeled, America ... peeled for Chokefriends!®

2005jul18. I have been looking for cheap-o pens for awhile, since I bailed on Bic. Bics tend to suddenly leak in my pocket or backpack and for some reason it took me years to make the switch, I seem to remember them doing the same thing over a decade ago. Then I went to Papermates, and they seize up from time to time, even when full. I welcome cheap-o pen suggestions.

2005jul18. Seanbaby: The Whine Lovers.

2005jul18. Running through the rent maze. I’m focusing in on a little town called “Berkeley” because I went to their library the other day and I was like “dayammmmmmmn.” Fun phone call today – talking to an old lady ... deposit for the place double the rent, $1100. No no no no no. I mean, what do you have to do to cause that much damage? Smash through a wall, then toss the fridge out the window? “HA HA! THAT’S TWELVE HUNNERD CLAMS, GRAMMY! PLUS THE FOOD INSIDE! OR ACTUALLY NOW IT’S OUTSIDE! OOOH, RACCOONS!” Well, I’ll get a place, or I’ll be homeless. And that’s a promise..

2005jul19. I remember very little about the television show “Happy Days,” or at least I’ve repressed it. It’s amazing to skim this huge comments page from the website “Jump The Shark,” (inspired by the episode in which “The Fonz” jumps a shark and theoretically that’s when the show took a nosedive). It’s surreal, the amount of detail some of the people talk about, and just the strange things that happened in the show as the writers lost control of it.

In the final season, Joanie and Chachi go to a Kinks concert and come home with T-shirts that read “KINKS TOUR ’65.” I’m not sure there even WERE concert tees in the ’60s

What’s so great about Fonzie anyway? he’s short, dropped out of high school, works in a garage, lives above a garage and hangs out with kids 5 years younger than him. He apparently never gets beyond 1st base with girls, he wears the same thing every day and his office is in a bathroom.

I agree with the above poster about the desk in the crapper. I never could figure out why he would do that. Surely the bathroom would stink.

Every time I read a newspaper account about a serial killer’s everyday life, I always picture him as having been living in a room like that attic room Cunninghams gave to the Fonz to live in.

RICHIE & LAURIE BETH MARRYING OVER THE PHONE!!!

2005jul19. Mail about fruit stickers being replaced with tribal fruit tattoos.

Yay, annoyance replaced with disfigurement.

“Back in my day, Jimmy Jr., we had fruit that didn’t have those tiny edible machines attached to them that remained in constant contact with the NSA and The National Council of Churches. No, we just ate ‘em right from the tree.” [Jimmy cries, runs away. Clearly grandpa has gone senile.]

In other news, I want a bagel. Oh, and go to bugmenot if you need to crack that NYT login screen.

2005jul19. Flickr. Good photos of those bizarre Veggies Rock! packages. Saw them at the dollar store awhile ago. Kids, our extreme def carrots are going to explode in your mouth and bring you the mouth-watering taste sensation you deserve! They’re f-f-f-f-f-fresh! AND IT’S TOTALLY NOT HEALTHY EAT YOU LITTLE RATS EAT

2005jul19. Flickr: Gridlock. Art by DAVe.

2005jul20. Ultra Poodle Disguise Kit For Dobermans. “Oh what a lovely Dog!”

2005jul21. Achewood: Ray brought down by weaker drink.

2005jul23. So. Goldface. We meet again.

Goldfaaaaaace, he’s the man, the man with the Midas touch
A huffer’s touch
Such a cold faaaaaace beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don’t go in
Goldfaaaaaace ... pretty girl, beware of this face of gold
Golden paint he will smear on your ear
But his habit can’t disguise what you fear
For a golden girl knows when he’s kissed her
Because she’s got gold smeared on her kisser
THIS FACE IS COLD!
He loves only gold
Only gold
HE LOVES GOLD
HE LOVES ONLY GOOOOLD
OOOOOOOOOONLY GOLD
HE LOVES GOLLLLLD!
[Spoken] He was a diabolical madman who was able to ensnare authorities in a deadly game of “cat and mouse.” But eventually his trail of deceit led him to defeat when his own heart gave him away. Also all of that gold shit on his face helped. At least he’s not inflating his forehead.
[drum final]

2005jul25. I just had a lengthy long-distance conversation with several of my friends who were attending a party. Over speakerphone. I really can’t recommend it.

2005jul25. Achewood: Calvin prevents the spread of his own germs.

2005jul25. A pleasant reminder. I have until the end of the month to find a habitable room, preferably in Berkeley. Remember, if I’m under a bridge somewhere, no more updates. Perhaps you or your friends have a nice space for me, no?

2005jul25. Special message to dipshit at Colorado.edu: tame your out-of-control indexing spider or practice your inept programming somewhere else/ht/ht/.

- -> /ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu
– -> /ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu
– -> /ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu
– -> /ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu
– -> /ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu
[many lines follow]
/ROBOTS/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/ht/[200 ”ht/"s follow] | ecch107pc132.colorado.edu

2005jul25. I’vebeenstar ing atthe mysterious innermechanisms ofa spacebar forover an hournow.

2005jul27. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh God, let the world BE FREE!!!! Come on America, we can do it, just like Iraq! [via doc]

2005jul29. Waiter Rant: Where’s Prozac When You Need It? I am not a drinker, yet I have been lucky enough to try Cynar, thee artichoke liquor. It hurt me in a bad way.

2005jul29. Mail.

Needing advertising space for the Colorado River area.

We all need something, I suppose. I could use a deep-tissue massage and a piece of Boston creme pie, which is mysteriously more cake-like than pie-like.

2005jul29. Mail.

Dear Chief Executive of Food City:

I ask you to protect all decent minded customers, and children especially, from being exposed to headlines like these at your supermarket’s checkout lines or your supermarkets period:

Supersize Your Sex Life:
Take Home 10 Tasty Tips
From the World’s Lustiest Lovers
50 Tricks for Outstanding Orgasms:
NC-17 Seduction Moves
Applause-Worthy Foreplay
Sex Secrets of Women Men Love

Magazines like FHM, Hot Rod, Guitar,Low Riders, Stuff, Maxime and other magazines have been playing up sexually lurid headlines and images, apparently vying with each other to be the most shocking.
A national opinion poll conducted by Wirthlin Worldwide in September 1999 found that 73% of Americans thought the display of such headlines at supermarket checkout counters to be “inappropriate,” and 60% favor a store policy of not displaying them at all. I believe that a “family oriented” supermarket like yours should behave differently from the most irresponsible elements of our nation’s entertainment media. Wouldn’t you agree? Would you put those magazines in your home where your children could read them? Would you let them carry them to school? Or would you let your daughters pose for one of those covers? I think not. Then why should “WE” be exposed to such material when we are doing such a simple thing as grocery shopping with our families. I am not asking that you change ”your” moral ideas but at least respect mines..” When we consider that the greatest of evils to befall anyone is the eternal loss of one’s soul to hell, how we should dread to be the cause or the occasion of sin for anyone!”

Sincerely,

[person’s name]

cc:US Attorney General
Federal Obscenity Complaint Board

Dear X:

Thank you for writing. If more customers would step forward and give their opinions about what type of moral stance we should take, perhaps we’d be better able to serve our consumer base. I’m afraid I don’t find the headlines you quote ”shocking,” and really the “images” you speak of consist of what they used to call “cheesecake” back in the 1950s, though back then they didn’t have a squad of Photoshop experts to remove all secondary sexual characteristics (nipples, pubic hair, etc). I have looked at these magazines, and they confuse me: either you purchase porn, or you don’t. Yet, here’s this boring middle-of-the-road publication (or rather, raft of publications) which is all about what you cannot see, indeed, what has been excised by the aforementioned squad. Puzzling. Anyway. Back to your shrill letter. The opinion poll you’ve mentioned is very interesting in that 100% of these Americans actually live in America, and yet 73% of them cannot grasp the simple fact that sometimes, you have to put up with things you don’t like. Because ... we ... live ... in ... AMERICA! Oh sure, the Supreme Court and the Bush clan continue to hollow out the word “freedom,” but there’s still a tiny little bit of gas left in the tank. It’s interesting, though, that somehow the store is able to sell these magazines to a sub-percent of the 27% of people who don’t mind the “lurid” headlines and still make enough profit to justify the shelf space, or am I implying that maybe some of these 73% of people are actually buying the magazines yet taking the “high” road when polled? Also, gotta say “thumbs up” to the sentences in your paragraph where you force your morality onto my theoretical children, that’s really big of you. And my theoretical daughter can go right ahead and pose for the cover of Maxim, since she’s going to be 18 years old, at least, when she does it, and by that age she can make her own theoretical decisions. I love this line: “I am not asking that you change ‘your’ moral ideas but at least respect mines.” Mines are actually very dangerous, they should be closed off when not in use. But seriously, you are asking me to change “my” moral ideas. You’re filled with holy roller poison, it’s sloshing around there in your brain and destroying your capacity for logical thought. Keep fearing the fires of hell, it’s how they keep you in line while you’re serving time here on planet earth. I really don’t think seeing “lurid” words and images written on the cover of a magazine constitutes a sin – unless, you know, your brain starts thinking of other sexy things, and then whose fault is it, really? The magazine? Or is it really you? No, it’s got to be the devil controlling a portion of your brain, that’s how you’ll make peace with yourself and believe yourself to be sin-free. That’s how your insane 2000-year-old ghost story racket works, you lay down the Word and the Word is good, except for this Part, this Part, and that Part. Selective processing, it’s like being at the salad bar at Wendy’s. ”Oh, I don’t like those kidney-shaped beans, what are they called?” You’re supposed to eat ALL of it. Please enjoy a complimentary subscription to Bizarre Magazine I’ve arranged to have sent to your address.

Fred Q. Hennesseelee
CEO

PS: Kidney beans, 69 cents a pound, this week only.

PPS: Guitar magazine?

2005jul30. I was looking through my moving notes and I forgot to mention that Castaic Lake, California, will be holding The Castaic Lake Pyro-Musical at 4:00pm July 4th on Lake Castaic. Mark your calendars.

2005jul30. Flickr: Door opener at top of flight of stairs.

2005jul30. Flickr: Poor Tuskie.

2005jul30. Mail.

R.R. PARTY STORE
P.O. BOX 2177 VICTOTIAS STATION
AGUADILLA,P.R. 00605

PLEASE CATOGOG. OR PLEASE PERSONAL SALES IN PUERTO RICO.

You got it.

2005jul31. Cardhouse Flickr: Sticky The Walking Stick.

2005jul31. Flickr: Lumberjack Games now through August 5th.