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2005dec23. Mail.

Respected Sir,

I would like to make a cholocate which can prevent or delay old age

thank you.

Dr. Mohd Samir K.

This is a strange request. I will do my best to consider it. First, we should probably think a bit about what the goals of such a chocolate are. You are hoping to stall the aging process – I do not think it would be a stretch to imagine that really what you want to be able to do via this magical chocolate, is restore youth. What are the hallmarks of youth? When you are young, you want things, but you cannot have them. This is a key difference from when you are an adult, no? I mean, assuming one has a little say-so with discretionary income. But when you are a child, you are in the grocery store, screaming “give me sweeties! I want sweeties!” And so forth and so on. But you do not get them. If this is so painful – not having what you want – why do we look back at our youth in fondness? Why do we want to turn back the clock? Is it because now, we can have almost anything we want, at any time, twenty-four hours a day? What would happen if we artificially created scarcity? I will give you an example. I gave up dairy products for two years. And toast. So, no toast, no butter, no buttered toast. At the end of two years, I had a piece of toast. Just an ordinary piece of buttered toast. Toast is not a big deal, right?

That toast was the best fucking piece of toast I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Now let us apply this to your problem. There is no chemical, or combination of chemicals, that arrest the aging process. Oh, occasionally you’ll read about some scientist in Arkansas who has a pair of five-year-old mice that are actually fifteen years old, but that’s about it. So. there is nothing you can add to chocolate to prevent aging. But suppose now, instead of creating a chocolate, you create a package for chocolate. But there is no chocolate there. There is just a small note where the chocolate would be. It reads:


Huh? Huh? Feeling younger already, aren’t ya? Sure it’s gimmicky. The Pet Rock was gimmicky. People enjoy ruses. That’s another lesson for you. Also, fashion is just a bunch of idiots sniffing each other’s butts in a big circle.