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2004sep02. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Seriously, “AHHHH.”

2004sep03. Doc visits Detroit. Action group “313” would like to push forward a motion for representation.

2004sep03. Shitbegone toilet paper now has a “weblog.”

2004sep06. Guvmint done right thoughtful, protectin’ us in that way.

2004sep08. Awhile ago I was talking about a roadrunner visiting me perhaps because it was interested in the sound of the blender ... I found this passage in Arizona and its Bird Life (1951) by Herbert Brandt. Dude seriously needs an editor, but let’s muddle through it:

“Then begin to squeak in a high-pitched, mild manner with periods of silence [ ... ] with practice the squeak can be drawn high-pitched and shrill, which refinement often is useful in attracting smaller fry, especially hummingbirds; whereas a wide range of lower strident tones, imitating groans and the dire distress of an unfortunate bird, brings posthaste larger creatures, especially roadrunners, hawks, owls, jays, rabbits, and even the coyote and snakes.”

2004sep09. End of spam email.

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2004sep09. Mail from India.

gj;lf9pllj

2004sep10. How To Flip Quarters & Dollar Bills On Your Belly

2004sep11. Burning tribute to 9-11.

2004sep13. I have an old Sears Craftsman variable-speed electric drill. There is a tiny “lock” button on it, next to the trigger on the left-hand side, which allows you to drill at top speed without holding the trigger in. If you are right-handed, drilling in an “unlocked” manner and the drill bit “catches” on a piece of wood, the drill itself will loosen from the drillbit and begin to spin clockwise out of your hands and the drill will stop because you’re no longer holding the trigger.

If you are left-handed, drilling in an “unlocked” manner and the drill bit “catches” on a piece of wood, the drill itself will loosen from the drillbit and begin to spin clockwise out of your hands, and your finger will drag against the “lock” button and the drill will continue to spin wildly, bucking to and fro and eventually will pull its own cord out of the socket and whip your ass in the arm as punishment for relying on shittily-designed products.

Did it raise a welt? [checking] No. Not this time. Yes I had eye protection, but the instructions didn’t tell me to wear full-body padding.

2004sep13. I saws me a boatload of bellydancin’ the other night, including “erotic” bellydancing but we'll talk about that at the end. This was at a Chinese buffet restaurant, which is not where bellydancing should be. I have decreed this to be true. Anyway, there were good bellydancers and average bellydancers and knock-out bellydancers and bellydancers with amazing costumes. A bellydancer drove me to the bellydancing, bellydancers sat at my table, a bellydancer who wasn’t bellydancing that day asked me about the bellydancing and then the first bellydancer drove me to some more bellydancing elsewhere bellydancing bellydancing bellydancing. At the end of the Chinese buffet bellydancing I got to see how to flip quarters and dollars on your belly which was not my belly but the belly of the woman who wrote the article. Much later I put nine quarters on my belly and after working my belly muscles for a good long time I was finally able to take all of the nine quarters and do my laundry. Some bellydancers used those little hand cymbals and I love ’em, they’re just the greatest. Also the hand cymbals are nice. I should wear a pair around the house, rhythmically commenting on events in my life. I’d like to see more hand cymbals in the workplace as well.

Jim, I’m turning in my report rather late
ching ching chinga chinga ching
If you ching don’t like it ching it’s me chinga chinga you can fellate
chingchingchinga ching

So we were way late for the second bellydancing show which might not have been such a bad thing because it was sort of gang bellydancing. For the half-hour we were there, anywhere from eight to twelve bellydancers occupied the stage at one time. And then, when it couldn’t possibly get anymore surreal, they all donned Sino Conical Headgear formerly Chinese Conical Hats formerly Chinese Fisherman Hats formerly Coolie Hats. It brought us all to mind of an earlier bellydancing experience in a Chinese buffet restaurant from the previous paragraph. And then, when it couldn’t possibly get anymore surreally surreal, one of the dancers doffed her top and exposed her creamy breasts unto the audience, who enjoyed them in a visual manner while she continued to bellydance. This was the erotic portion of the bellydancing.

Unfortunately Simiana! was not in attendance for the evening, but if you are in the Phoenix area in the near future you can enjoy the mystery that is monkey bellydancing in the privacy of someone else’s place of business. I am recommending this to you.

2004sep15. I have joined the Google “gmail” mail service. I have five invitations that people are supposed to forward to other people so Google can keep tabs on who knows who. But I’m going to keep them all! Hahahahahahaha! You'll never catch me, coppers!

2004sep16. The Titanic continues to haunt us from beyond its watery grave (enter “titanic”).

Patron planted both feet on railing, raised arms up. Shouted something about being “king.” Slid length of ship into water while clutching Oscar®, presumed drowned.

2004sep17. A phone booth??!??? In the desert?? That’s unpossible. [via doc] I fixed it! Haw haw!

2004sep18. Yes, it’s Hawaiian Product Week still a day early. Still showin’ off ice cream.

The ice cream package design of the Foremost Corporation is reassuring in these times of horrific rainbow-heavy logos and scary ultra-realistic sneering mascots.

Soothing.

Let’s step away from the freezer section for a little bit.

This, I don’t know what this means. My cookies are ready for adventure. Intrigue. My cookies are more macho than I am.

Noted without comment.

2004sep18. We’re officially starting Hawaiian Product Week a day early because everyone’s on the phone going like “Hey, Cardhouse man, when is Hawaiian Product Week going to start up because like” and then there’s another call and I’m like “hold on” and the next call is like “Are you going to start HPW anytime soon ‘cause my gramamaw is in the hospital and visiting hours are --” and then I’m off answering all the dings from my IM program and then the cellphone and answering machine go off and then the intercom and then the refrigerator communicator device rings and it’s the stove and it’s all like “Hawaiian Product Week” and I’m like “I know, I know, Mr. Stove! Please cram it. All y’all.”

I love this. That composition reminds me of those old vending machines that would offer you some sort of brown slurry – the machine was labelled “coffee” – and you’d always have the hot chocolate option, and the big photo would always be sun-bleached and would show some cinnamon sticks stacked right next to the cup o’ hot chocolate and you’d be like “cinnamon sticks ... right. Is this even chocolate?” And you’d start rocking it back and forth because back then we didn’t have signs to warn us that we could be crushed to death by this simple, sustenance-giving machine and the liquid would shoot all over the place and the ice and wooooo what fun we had back then, huh? Not like now.

2004sep19. Question: Does anyone remember the weblog that was called something like “Diary (or Weblog) of a Five-Year-Old"? Does it still exist?

2004sep19. And by “Hawaiian Product Week” I mean to feature products I ran into in Hawaii. It doesn’t mean that these products were necessarily manufactured in Hawaii. But I don’t know why I’m mentioning this, that would just sort of slip by without comment otherwise, because what I’ve discovered is that by occasionally telling little white lies nobody’s really sure what’s real or fake on this website. But what really is the real truth, anyway? Is there an objective, real truth? I mean, yeah, getting punched in the face is an objective truth, I’m not falling for that one again. So let’s take a look at what we’re offering today.

Vindaloo!!! Wow. That is some crazy-ass coloring decision tree there. I think I’ve seen this stuff on the mainland occasionally. “Just add water” – but not the amount of water pictured. Because that’s way too much water.

I tried to find a Hawaiian pirate product for Talk Like A Pirate Day and this was the closest I could get. You can pretend that’s Captain Cook showing an islander how best to bean him on the head after they argue about the stolen boat (For Humorous Purposes Only. Writer Not Interested In Debating Captain Cook Death Theories. Fool Your Friends).

I’m not sure I would like the coco-nut pudding. I'll have to sleep on this one.

Just when you thought you had it all figured it out ... here comes Mendo maté yerba maté energy-like beverage and cultural drink of ancient origins. No, seriously, this is like an energy drink but they get all in-your-face with the regular sugary energy drinks on their website (Mendo Maté). It is a tea from Paraguay and I know nothing about it. It is a stimulant, so watch out, my friends. I am neither endorsing or unendorsing this concoction that brings with it its own legend, its own folklore, its own t-shirt series, its own traditional gourd.

2004sep20. Serious Toyz has one of the most annoying splash screens (seriously, mute your system) and some great old toys.

JUMPPING RABBIT MUST DESTROY YOU

Wood Doh by Play Doh. “Dries hard like REAL WOOD!” Feature, not a bug.

“President Reagan is on the line for you, sir.” “You tell that doddering old shit to just WAIT, I’m bringin’ in a 747 via ELECTRO-PHONO COMMUNICATIONS!” Also, bananas cost seventeen bucks each there, from what I remember during my layover.

Buying the White House, gleaming white plastic, eight presidents arguing with each other, etc etc. Write your own.

Does all this like real!

The hallowed Spunky Dogs also known as thee Spinning Pups.

2004sep20. It’s a tire. Get over yourself.

2004sep20. Oh my god, what a bunch of mirror-gazing idiots. CBS News reports that the Post reports that CBS News plans to issue a statement, but it may not apologize! Seriously.

CBS News: Hard-hitting News About CBS News From Other Sources.

2004sep21. Must see: Pongmechanik. The videogame Pong in real life. So incredibly amazingly wonderfully nuttycool. The movie (Quicktime) will help you to understand the concept in mere seconds. [via everyone]

2004sep21. Mail.

Have you ever heard of the “secret society novatech"? they send letters of inventation into their secret society based upon their oberservation of your “ special gifts and talents.”they give you three days to respond no fees no money but promises of untold future success and wealth when you come into your “second phase of life “ of which you are about to enter.

I sent the letter-writer a short reply that contained my opinions about how wholesome and truthful such an organization would probably be. There is this small article written by one of those Action Line people, but I couldn’t find much else about it. ‘'Shockingly powerful secrets.” Wow. Lastly, I don’t know why I was asked about this, it seems more in line with Cockeyed Action News Reporting. Maybe ... maybe this is going to be my special niche ... Cardhouse, busting the secret societies popping up in your mailbox: “We Care!”

2004sep21. You rarely see any mention of celebrities here on Cardhouse because it is my belief that they are collectively similar to truckloads of poo. You don’t see ’em everyday, in the end who cares, and: “what’s that smell?” However, I am making an exception for the hot new clueless-go-figure celebrity trend, Feng Shui Hair.

2004sep21. Let’s go back into the freezer section for more of Hawaiian Product Week.

“Okay, I want you to re-design our product line ... but it still has to look like it’s from the ‘60s.”

That box end makes this photo look almost 3D. Please do not stare too long at the ice cream product. Thank you.

Dip.

2004sep22. Cat Stevens: Potential Terramist. This is the guy that wrote “Peace Train.” “I’m on the peace train ... also I just wanted to mention my ties to terrorists, whoa whoa peace train.” The no-fly watch list is now named Advanced Passenger Information System, which should be pronounced “a-piss,” since that’s pretty much what the government is doing. Between APIS, CAPPS 2, and US VISIT soon the United States will have no tourists and no airplane passengers and the skies will be safe again.

2004sep24. Steven Johnson: Very clumsy in the kitchen.

2004sep25. McSweeney’s: History’s Notable Films, Reconsidered.

2004sep26. I am moving away from the cakes. Yesterday I ordered a cake and it had nuts on it and this was not indicated in the menu description. The nuts continue to vex. I don’t understand this – some people are allergic to nuts. They cannot eat nuts. And yet, nuts are hiding, coat-tailing on various confections all over the world. Just tell me. Tell me about the nuts. That is all I ask.

2004sep26. Back in the olden, golden days when I was publishing a minuscule, flabby-muscled low culture magazine called X, Dr. Berk and I wrote up a

bowling timeline for the bowling issue. I think Scott tackled all the facts and then my job was to add spurious, useless blue specks to the article. This is the entry for 1959, for example.

Ed Lubanski from Detroit scores 700 pins for his five-men team in the ABC all-counts championship; later that year, Grock, the Swiss music clown, dies (b. 1880).

Fourteen years pass, and no one thought to tell the Russians they probably didn’t need to translate the entire article. I am starting to see the promise of the internet everywhere. People from halfway around the world, reaching out to touch us in bad places, maybe plagiarize us. You cannot stop me, American, for I am Russian. Now I am stealing your WIFE'S articles of writing! What you say about that? You are emasculationed! Ha HA!

I wrote the bit about Grock back in 1990 – I couldn’t find any information on him on “the net” though there was no “world wide web” back then. I hope I’m not hurting your brain. I felt so sad about this little one-line orphaned piece of information I found in a history book I thought I’d throw him in there. Now he’s all over the place also here. Ham. Dead ham. Dead clown ham. Dead clown ham, now with 17% less nitrates. Fewer nitrates. Dead clown ham, now with Smylex.

2004sep27. A Customer Service Representative who cares. [old]

2004sep27. In Which I Wring Amusement From Telemarketers, But With The Added Challenge Of Not Being Mean Or Degrading In The Process.

2004sep27. Cross-country road trip in a few minutes. Gondry video. Excellent.

2004sep28. So I’m watching a DVD documentary called Friends Forever which is the name of the band that consists of two guys and the gal who runs the light show, and one of the guys is talking about getting stuck riding the Zipper twice in a row when he only wanted to ride it once. He’s not good with the thrill rides and he’s stressing out. So he finally stumbles out, and his hands start going numb, then his arms, then his legs. While he’s talking about it, he’s showing what happened to him. The paramedics that showed up told him he was hyper ventilating and said it was “normal” and said he either needed to puke or pass out and then, no problem. Which totally sounds like bunk. Back ten years ago when it happened to me, I wasn’t given any options. I was in a remote, faraway place where medical advice is difficult to obtain: I was in the waiting room of a hospital. I was there for something else and wasn’t taking it so well, and that’s when I started hyper ventilating. No one really gave a shit, after I asked two different people about my condition I gave up. I had to sign some papers and by that time I was in a wheelchair (because of the numb legs, see), signing with the wrong hand, trying to hold it with the other one which was even weaker, failing, apologizing. “Sorry I’m hyper ventilating even though no one apparently can offer me any advice at all on how to stop it ... sorry.” At one point I had my friend Tom wheel me out of the TV room because I looked so pathetic curled up into a little ball. “I don’t want to scare these people, they got enough going on already.” It never happened to me again, but now I’m armed for future battle.

Please keep your numb hands and legs inside the car at all times.

2004sep28. The troubles of a li'l toilet paper called Shitbegone. "How can that be legal?".

2004sep28. REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH TRUCKERS AT THE DAYS INN IN RED OAK, TEXAS.

2004sep29. Maakies: Ach! Der kittens!