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Cardhouse
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2004oct01. [Cardhouse] Shop Hawaii. There are many products in Hawaiian grocery stores. These are some of them.

2004oct03. Mexico. Yesterday. Magdalena De Kino during Fiestas de San Francisco. As we drove South, we saw many, many people walking toward Magdalena with various day-glo safety gear, all on their pilgrimage to see the statue of St. Francis Xavier and to try and lift his head. One woman was making the journey (up to 115 miles) on high heels. Some rode in on horseback. We were there to just get a feeling for the interior of Mexico – I’ve only been to border towns.

Bad timing. The whole town became religious trinket/carnival HQ. There was a guy walking around – and I’ve seen him in every border town – with a little wooden box. This box has two cables running out of it, ending in metal handles. From what I understand, it’s some sort of shock box. And I guess you pay the guy for allowing him to shock you. Sort of like this game (scroll down a bit).

A bucket of something for a game, ten pesos (approximately USD 1). Most of the carnival was shut down, probably because it was way too hot to be exerting yourself on rides and such.


A house.


Cowboy was totally like “vote for me because I was the biggest do-nothing on the show.” I thought Marvin should win, he seemed like the only one with actual, living brain cells.


If I was a kid, I’d be all up in Carlota’s face, squishing all of those whip cream tresses. “And THIS! And THIS!!!”

2004oct04. Eyesore of the Month. Oooooh, ahhhhhh ...

2004oct04. Okay, it took about an hour, but I figured out the dice puzzle. There is an automagic Petals Around The Rose dice roller that will help you to solve it without hints.

2004oct04. Petals Around The Rose A dice puzzle is presented to a large amount of geeks. Some solve it instantly, others take awhile. The last person to solve it is a young man who sometime later adjusts his bathtub’s temperature from his car as he drives home.

I haven’t figured it out. If you send me the solution, I will hurt you sometime in the near future.

2004oct04. So here we are in the 21st century. And I have about 40 tabs open on my browser, and only one of them is playing some background music. So I get to play hide-and-seek and try to figure out which one it is, since I don’t need background music. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, I like to read webpages in silence, without looping music files, even if they’re not MIDI. Found it. Just add a little checkbox to the preferences menu for all browsers: “would you like annoying, looping music playing when you access certain ‘home’ pages?”

2004oct05. Shots Fired into Knoxville Bush/Cheney Headquarters. Forget this non-news, look at WBIR-TV’s slogan: “Straight From the Heart.” In a nice flowing pukey Harlequin-romance font.

In an unexpected twist, a bank directly across the street from the headquarters was robbed as KPD officers were busy investigating at the scene of the shooting.
Straight to the heart.

2004oct05. Mail.

The Tucson airport thing – “Bomb dog alerts on vehicle near airport"

You can read that headline to mean there is an explosive dog at the airport, but instead it is an ordinary story about a bomb-sniffing dog that has smelled something on a vehicle at the airport.

Oh yeah, I forgot -- make sure to overreact to every little thing that happens. They haven’t even confirmed it’s a bomb and they've evacuated motels. This is like -- what was it – the exploding flashlight at LAX? Man, we got a snoot full of FOXnews during that scene, we were feeling ill for the rest of the day.

2004oct05. From what I understand, anything with an official insignia around here is jetting over to the Tucson Airport – Apache helicopters, police cars, fire trucks ... Anyone getting anything official about this? I’m getting delightful daytime soaps here.

2004oct05. The current person occupying the White House – is he a ro-bot? Check out the comments.

2004oct06. Excellent lite news segment on letterpress. (quicktime movie)

2004oct06. Is Bush a Ro-Bot? (Part 2)?. Blade Runner, Being There name-checked. Is Bush a Ro-Bot? (Part 3)?. Another datapoint for the solipsistic Bush sub-theory as presented in Part 2.

2004oct06. The story of the magical floating three little piggies.

2004oct08. Goin’ to the Arizona State Fair again. This time I’m going to eat something. A snack-type item. I’m ready to step up to the plate. Maybe they will have cake there. I like cake. Please review our earlier State Fair selection at your earliest convenience.

2004oct08. And now ... my famous imitation of the director of the Radiohead documentary “Radiohead: Meeting People is Easy” speaking with one of his flunkies.

Okay, here’s where we’re going to cut away from the song twenty seconds into it. Right.
Reverb?
Reverb and echo. It will distort the interview to the point where it’s just obvious it’s the same old thing. But we'll do that twenty, thirty times, just to make sure the point gets across.
Should I cut in a shot of an escalator?
Yes, that would be good here. I want to portray our dystopian cityscapes in a negative, harshly-lit way. Nothing is interesting. Everything should be glaring and sickly colored or black and white surveillance camera.
More echo on the audio track?
We need echo, reverb, and feedback. I want the shittiest audio you can give me. Because really it’s all about the music that we keep cutting away from.

2004oct09. The coco-nut in the fridge was too far in the back and it frozened up. Now I have an iceball of delicious coco-nut juice thawing out on the desk in front of me. These sorts of things probably don’t happen that much in the tropics.

2004oct10. Soft.

2004oct10. In honor of Derrida packing it in: How To Desconstruct Almost Anything.

2004oct10. [Cardhouse] Two pages featuring two diners. Dot’s Diner and Welcome Diner. These are diners.

2004oct11. “Wow, I’m going to store all my links at del.icio.us!” “So, how’s that working out for you?”

2004oct12. Some crabs like coco-nuts [1, 2, 3].

2004oct12. Seriously, you two, stop yer blabbing away about the silly ole’ Constitution.

2004oct13. Shhhhh ... quickly read this. Or get the zip here.

2004oct13. Hey There Cupcake. A book about cupcakes by the woman who knitted that sushi, remember?

2004oct13. Free allofmp3 musical tracks.

2004oct13. Allofmp3 is an online music catalog located in Russia. The downloads cost about three to ten cents per mp3, depending on the size of the file, and how high of a bitrate you’ve selected – apparently you can get CD-quality lossless, but then, this will cost more per song. This site is apparently “legal” in the U.S. as (non-lawyer summary coming up, warning) it’s legal to buy the songs in Russia and it’s legal to move legally-purchased songs to your hard drive located in Mallpoisoned KBShithouse Nosidewalk Caraddict Suburbia. Some people have expressed a concern (unsupported by any evidence whatsoever as we go to press) that this service may be run by the Russian mafia. Ultimately, this is a two-tiered moral choice: are the artists getting paid enough, and am I funding illegal activities in some way? We are living in exciting, dangerous times, eh, comrades? [More: 1, 2, 3]

2004oct14. McSweeney’s: On Being The American Husband Of A Peruvian Diplomat Living In China.

There is always the possibility that the conversation will become interesting at some point, but tonight the first couple with whom you have it is Serbian, and, in your continued attempt to be a good diplomatic spouse, after mentioning that you have never been to Serbia, you refrain from saying the only thing you can think of, which is, “I was in Croatia several times, though, back when Serbia was in the process of invading and pillaging and ethnically cleansing as much of it as possible.”

2004oct14. I have a dinner plate in one hand. A piece of tissue in the other. I approach the garbage can. The hand that carries the tissue is not in my field of vision. The plate is. My brain whispers: throw the plate in the garbage. One day I’m going to knife that bastard.

2004oct18. It’s very fitting that Trader Joe’s uses turn-of-the-century clip-art on their website, because you can’t contact them electronically. “You can just talk to the stock boy/girl! Or, send a tele-gram to our head-quarters.”

2004oct21. [Cardhouse] Now, the suffering begins. Pig Parts: The Arizona State Fair 2004. It’s just like last year except this time it’s different photos and ha-ha funny text captions. So funny. Bringing the funny. Did you order some funny here? Because I remember this table ... you’re a bunch of yahoos, and you’re not sticking me with the tab for this one – you definitely ordered this shit. So eat it.

2004oct21. Excellent take on Bush’s bullshit “internets” crap.

2004oct22. Yeah, I could put a big marquee on every webpage that said I AM NOT A CORPORATE ONLINE STORE and I’d still get mail like this, because people are zombies.

Can you tell me the price of your money house blessing cologne, and your blessing water.

No.

hi
im looking for a tortilla machine!
are u sale one
contect me pls
tnx

No, no.

Concerning the derby Mark VI from Sigma, i want to know if this device has replacement because in hotel el panama of the Fiesta Casinos has a derby mark damaged and they say that this derby mark it cannot be repaired because there is not replacement. please inform me if you have replacement for this machine. sincerely,

Actually ... no.

Dear Sirs, I am calling from Turkey ... a toy that we made ourself from tinplate ... it’s were work out with 25 gr parafine about half hour or 45 minute ... 150gr tin boat goes 3 mile/hour speed ... I am wishing to sell plans of this toy mechanism ... can you find any producer that will concern with this classical toy ... that had been forgatten ... thanks ...

Nope.

A quien corresponda: Mi nombre es Carlos Conde, me gustaria saber si Ud. cuentan con repuestos de una maquina slots Sigma Derby Mark6. Por favor responder a [email] Desde ya muchas gracias.

No.

Is there anyway to order boxes of candy for personnal consuption. We used to live in Cudahy, WI and are hooked on your candy raisins. My wife just returned from a trip to Milwaukee and all 6 bags are gone already. We now live in fort myers fl, and cannot find them down here at all. Thank you, [name / address]

No.

I just wanted to let your company know that I think it is horrible that you sell candy cigarettes. That is basically you trying to get kids hooked on the idea that smoking is fun and cool. That is absolutely horrible of you. So many kids smoke these days you should be making some other from of candy that isn’t in the shape of cigarettes and you should try to promote or at least make the effort to get kids not to smoke. Thanks Erin E.

No.

To Whom it may concern,

I hold a 7 year accounting background. I’m looking for employment in your corporation.

Please notify me if there is opportunity for employment.

Thank you,
[name]

No.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Let me introduce our company. Our company is experienced, in wholesaling and retailing of food products , one in Mongolian market.We are looking for a long term partner who can supply us Japanese chocolate and confectionery fron Japan. We need responsblity and trustful partner. Can you help us to have the partner? We are looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Regards,
Import manager.

Ulaanbaatar,Mongolia.
SKYLAND BRIDGE Co.Ltd.
Tel: 976-11-363011
Fax: 976-11-365754

No.

I have a question regarding the candy cigarets. Just need to be told whether you are to eat the paper on the cigarets or you are to discard it. A friend said you can eat it and I disagreed with him, can you tell me yes you can or no you can not-is it actual paper? I have a daycare and wish to know this, the children love them.
Thank you for you time.
[name]

Stop feeding “your” kids shit. It’s “cigarettes,” are you from Chicago? Yeah, go ahead and eat that paper. All paper is edible. Mmmmmm.

2004oct23. Do the red monkeys have to get flu shots this year, yes or no? [via titivil]

2004oct25. Masonic Lodge photos. Roll over the larger photos after you’ve clicked on them, there is additional commentary.

2004oct25. Deuce: Empires vs. Empiricism.

2004oct31. Although my privacy nuts are usually pretty tight, I’m going to take the torque wrench to them so I can tell this story. Sorry if it sounds maddeningly vague.

A relative of mine lives near a library. On a non-determined day sometime this month, she was walking toward the library to return a DVD and it was a bit dark out. The walk takes her through a lightly-wooded area, with a bridge, a river, etc. There are a few curves to the path, and it is at one of these bends that she suddenly came upon a stationary bicyclist. This person was apparently startled and agitated to see her, although it wasn’t completely clear that this was the case because of the bicyclist’s black ski mask. The bicyclist also had black clothing. A black bicycle with all of the reflectors removed. A head-mounted LED light. The bicyclist rode away.

My relative lives in a “swing” state. Our pretend president was apparently stationed in the hotel across the street, and my non-military-trained relative somehow got the drop on Tactical Secret Service Bicycle Patrol Perimeter Drone #217a.

I suppose the drone might have been agitated by the only weapon my relative was sporting during the encounter – a large “Kerry/Edwards” button.

[Later in the day, the president had a big hoo-ha in the town, blocking off entire streets, motorcading and such, begging decent folk everywhere to just let him run crazy without a leash for four more big ones – and there in the back of at least two SUVs were many similarly-dressed tactical folks.]

2004oct31. So twenty minutes after the cable guy leaves after installing ... cable, Jon Stewart is on CSpan Book TV or whatever reading from America: The Book along with other members of the Daily Show. Best part: Q&A with scary Green Party representative who won’t shut up. So look for that in a video “file format” on the internets. Cable TV: It gives, and it gives.