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Cardhouse
macros2000.com

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2004nov01. When I was a young, go-get-em squeaky clean youth attending college in my youth, one of our professors had us youths use a pre-Linux operating system known as Minix. Many years later, I find myself obsessively checking the electoral-vote website created by the guy who wrote Minix. He also put a stick about to save San Francisco Bay, a bay which I personally lived near for a number of years. Also, our first names have exactly the same number of vowels, I think. Don’t forget to read the Votemaster FAQ for an enlightening view from someone who’s getting the “411” on how the world views the US right now. [via scott]

2004nov02. Where are the tiger teams? WHERE ARE THE TIGER TEAMS?

2004nov02. Saw a report that Guam went to Bush. Heh. THIS JUST IN: Fort Knox is Bush Country!

2004nov03. Mr. O'Brien sums up this sodden mess in one concise paragraph.

2004nov03. Another happy-time election summation.

2004nov04. There. Now you have plenty of rope.

2004nov05. A Review Of The O.C.. I cannot afford the diamond bullet.

2004nov05. Achewood: A sensible plan for one’s passing.

2004nov05. BEEP BOOP I'LL TAKE SOME OF YOURS AND ADD IT TO MINE. Story here.

2004nov05. Cardhouse: Political Billboards in Arizona. Does this count as “healing"?

2004nov08. Mail.

hey i hate food ciy in knoxvill 4302 asville
hwy the black women are stelling !!!!!

I’ve decided to fire them.

2004nov09. SUPPORT OUR DISCO TROOPS C'mon everybody! Doo doo doo dee doo doo dooo doo deee dooo awwwwwwwww DO THE HUSTLE! doo dee doo doo dee doo la la la

2004nov10. F-ing with collectors [via deuce o’ clubs]

2004nov11. So I’m concentrating intently on not doing anything online and there’s this noise that sounds like a gigantic vacuum cleaner slowly approaching the house. Yesterday night the house was shaken by some weirdo distant unknown explosion-like reverberation, and I wasn’t going to let this one get away. I raced out of the house and there’s a blimp outside in the air. Of course it’s got this giant American flag graphic on it – it is an American flag in the shape of a blimp-shaped cigar – just in case I sit down for two seconds at any time and think to myself “Am I in Sweden?” So then I raced back inside to get the camera and came back out and of course it was in the same place and after I took the photo I thought, “why?”

Didn’t everybody crap their pants in the sixties when Abbie Hoffman wore an American flag shirt?

what are you some unpatriotic commie why don’t you shut up
No, it’s not that, it’s like, yeah, I like pancakes a whole lot, but you don’t see me wearing a trucker cap with a big pancake on it, do you?
what now you’re saying that pancakes are better than the united states of america you commie
No, it’s just that ... yes. Yes. Pancakes are better than The United States of America.

2004nov11. I’m Free Because I Voted, Right? [via deuce o’ clubs]

2004nov12. World’s Largest Donut Wedding Cake. Okay, you know what, Krispy Kreme? You can cram it sideways. Hey, look, I’m making the world’s largest wedding cake comprised of cupcakes. Now I’m making one out of meatloaf. Wait ... wait ... it’s the world’s largest tortellini wedding cake. A donut wedding “cake” is for people too cheap to shell out some money for the most important part of the wedding. Cutting the cake, remember? And the face-cramming? Always delightful. Wait ... this just in ... now I’m stacking fishing magazines and broken lamps into a wedding cake configuration. It’s a world’s record!

2004nov16. Japanese game show.

DOTCHI NO RYORI SHOW (COOKING SHOWDOWN)
Saturday 8:00pm – 9:00pm
Changing all the cooking rules ~ They are not kidding we say you'll never look at another cooking show the same way again. It changes all the rules. Welcome to a survivalist cooking game show where only the winners get to eat. Supplemented by on-site preparation with professional chefs, 2 hosts pitch rival menus to a panel of celebrity guests. The side that wins over the most panelists eats!
So here’s my idea. CRAZY SUPER REALITY SHOW. Several people are dropped off on an island in the middle of nowhere. They have just three months to work out a business plan, get makeovers, plastic surgery, build a chopper, gut their huts and re-design them, cook an array of food for judges, and then for the amazing final episode, jump into a volcano. The winner? You, the home viewer.

2004nov17. Mail.

Are you considering an RSS feed? That would be teh cool.

Yes. Want it. Want. Cardhouse is currently using Dr. Berk’s Patented Auto-Weblogger/Cider Masher Systemtronic V1.7. Unfortunately I’m too lazy to add RSS to it, especially since we’re moving to Movable Type and then RSS would be a snap, it would.

Wait ... what does “tea cool” mean?

This is a display from a Kuala Lumpur vending machine. I tried some later on in my trip, it’s pretty good. It’s sweetened, I suppose that’s primarily the reason. You could sweeten cinder blocks and make ’em taste swell.

2004nov19. Submitted Macros. A new “feature” here.

If you’re going to bring it to nationals, you better bring it on!
Ok, this quote (or quote as I remember it) from the epic cheerleader competition film Bring It On was MUCH funnier when said in repetition while drinking beer. Can be said in response when a friend asks what to bring to a party (“oh sure, bring some beer, but if you’re going to bring it to nationals, you better bring it on!”). Can also be blurted out randomly for no apparent reason, especially to emphasize the importance of any given statement.

“I’ve got a big test tomorrow in class”
“Yeah, well if you’re going to bring it to nationals, you better bring it on!”
Again, it was funnier when we were hopped up on beer. – Brody C.

What IS the fuck?
Met some french doods working at Intel (supposedly working on robots, but I digress), one was particularly funny, named Benoit. They all kept saying “what is the fuck?” to each other so Stephanie and I asked what they were trying to say and it turns out – they were making fun of a fellow frenchie working with them, who thought he mastered engrish better than them. So instead of saying “what the fuck?” he’d say “what IS the fuck?” emphasis on the “IS” part. He also was fond of saying “I catch you” instead of “gotcha!,” but we don’t use that as much as “what is the fuck?” which has worked its way into our everyday lingo. Example: As we realize SOMEONE drank the last PBR, we’d exclaim “what IS the fuck?” then trudge off to the likker store ... – Max

Are you an organist?
My girlfriend and I recently made a pilgrimage to an English celebration of freakery – Biddenden, a small village where siamese twins were born in 1100. They died together and left their money and estate to the poor and to this day the local poor can get a cookie in their image (along with bread, butter etc) at Easter which is despatched from their old house. The village sign is great and features the twins. Anyway – we went in to the local church and found that it has all these knitted prayer mat covers – one of which features an image of the twins. I was trying to avoid eye contact with the crazy church lady who wanted to tell us its entire history – so I looked at the organist who was practising. As we were leaving (and buying a mug featuring the twins) the old church lady noted my interest in the organist and her more withered accomplice piped up “are you an organist?” Probably one of the more bizarre questions I have been asked. To be used as code to denote crazy/crazy and old person in vicinity/ridiculous situation. – Iain A.

Au-to-mo-biles may be-come death cham-bers.
I recently encountered a much scarier cousin of the DECtalk weather robot (see It was sunny, Macros2000 #7), on AM radio in Delaware. This robot was talking about how hot it was going to be, but he wasn’t only describing the weather, he was kind of preaching about it ... “light co-lored clo-thing may be help-ful,” “drink plen-ty of wa-ter,” that kind of thing. Naturally we inferred from this that somewhere in the broadcast was the coded signal for “kill all hu-mans.” We didn’t have to look very hard for it, though ... the last bit of hot weather advice Mr. Robot offered was “au-to-mo-biles may be-come death cham-bers.” This was terrifying, as we were in an automobile at the time, so we immediately put on some Kraftwerk, in the hopes of fooling the marauding robots into thinking we were family. “Au-to-mo-biles may be-come death cham-bers” became a macro for the rest of the trip. – Jess H.

2004nov22. Hot celebrity fashion trends for fall ‘04 include barrels with comical suspenders, cardboard boxes for shoes, and large diamonds jammed up your nostrils. “Barrels are so 1930,” one fashion reporter sniffed, accidentally sucking twin zirconiums into her nasal cavity.

It’s hard to figure out who to hate more in this article. I don’t mean hate, exactly. Loathe? Abhor? Loathe. Loathe is good.

2004nov27. Anti-magnets.

2004nov30. Doc and I were cranking along at 80mph down the freeway after a long road trip and we coincidentally had our heads down looking at various reading materials and/or tactical gauges when we drove through a swarm of bees.

Sounds like mad rain. Leaves a slick of honey on your windshield. Don’t try to lick it off at the truck stop, people will see you and the windshield smells like chemicals anyway. Suggested invention: HoneyPro® edible organic windshields.

2004nov30. Cockeyed: Fake traffic tickets being mailed to random people. In California, at least. Watch out!

2004nov30. Pledge Bait. Kempa describes the Ira Glass/Chris Ware collaborative DVD available only to pledge pledgers. It sounds a-pretty nice ...