2004jun07. Slate: Which carry-on bag is best?. Or actually, “Which carry-on bag is the best of the six I tested?” I have tested exactly two bags myself, and because these both were hellbeasts spawned from hell with hellfire dripping from them, I spent a lot of my pre-flight jailtime in nine international airports watching people use carry-on bags. Here are my conclusions which are below that follow.
1) FOUR WHEELS FOUR WHEELS FOUR WHEELS. Okay, that whole thing about dragging your bag behind you with one extended arm? It’s over. It’s done. Don’t do it. At the end of the day, your arm feels like it’s been pulled out of its socket. I know. The two bags I purchased both were of the pull-behind type, and I’m never using them again. The reviewer mentions one bag that has two additional “smaller” wheels, but you want four wheels of equal size, because what you’re going to be doing is rolling the case next to you. I’ve seen this in action – both in commercials and LIVE in airports -- it’s totally sweet and I was practically drooling. Work it ... work it ... oh yeah, it’s rolling so nice ... nicely ... So your four-wheeled rolling case should have a pull bar that is high enough that you can roll it next to you comfortably. Check this in the store, settle for not an inch less of the perfect height. The particular cases that I saw also enabled you to do the standard pulling thing in case you had to go on an escalator or roll it over a dead body, whatever.
2) Backpacks suck. I was watching all of you backpackers, especially in Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok. Some of you had backpacks that were taller than actual people. A lot of you had backpacks and frontpacks, so you were good and sweaty youbetcha. And I rolled right past you singing my little “I’m not wrenching my back” song in my head because I am polite for the most part. I started my trip out with an overloaded backpack and bailed within three days, purchasing an el-cheapo rollaway I christened “Mr. Shitty” from the only dealer in Macau not ready to bargain. Or was that Bangkok. Anyway, you can pack a small backpack in your rollaway for when you need to do day trips. Most of the world is paved now, you can quit pretending you’re scaling Mount Everest, Lord Shackleton.
3) Wide wheelbase. This is essential. The wheels (all four of ’em) should be at the outer edges of the bag, to keep it stable. I don’t know why some rollaways have wheels tucked in a bit, but these bags are unstable and psychotic. My bags were like this – the first time I didn’t know, the second time I didn’t have the option – and they rolled over so much from slightly uneven surfaces that I eventually had to create this awesome disco move where I didn’t fight the bag but continued to spin it around 360 degrees and continue down the street as if I meant to do the whole thing. It didn’t work anymore after I was loaded down with souvenirs in Hawaii, the bag just wrenched my arm off and so I’m sitting there with one arm trying to grab at my other arm lying on the street which is clutching my carry-on. Weak.
You'll also definitely want to do your homework and check what sizes your airline will permit for carry-on. Sometimes you can get away with something a little bit larger – they’re not really policing the situation – but various international airports are stricter. You'll always want to carry-on in the USA to keep your luggage out of the hands of our nation’s trusted baggage handlers who don’t steal anything out of bags at all anymore after the n various newschannel investigations into baggage pillaging around the country over the past m years, and all that non-theft isn’t any easier now that the TSA breaks locks on your checked luggage. Or it isn’t not any un-easier. It’s not ... un-not-less easier-anti.