2004jun02. More on the Get it together, Hawaii, theme.
[1] Given an almost infinite namespace, let us pick the worst possible one. Oahu’s mass transit bus system is imaginatively called “The Bus.” Now, imagine you’re a tourist from another country, and you want to get a shuttle bus to your hotel which costs around $8 – $10, and your English is not that good. “I’d like to take the bus to my hotel, please.” Well step right on up to The Bus, my German friend.
[2] The following tourist amenities are available upon arrival at Honolulu International Airport. #1: A tourist hotline phone. You dial the number and get a busy signal. I’ve heard rumors that sometimes there’s an actual human being on the other end. #2: Various ad-laden guides to Oahu. This is always a bad scene, and a common one. You pick up one of these things, and all of the reviews read “I had dinner at Pepe’s Weasel Broth Nook and it was a life-changing experience that also ROKKED” and right in the next column is a four-color ad for Pepe’s Weasel Broth Nook. Of course, this is how all magazines work, but let us continue to be crabby. #3: The baggage-claim desk, where you can actually speak to a real, live human person who will answer questions but that’s not what they’re there for and this is HAWAII we’re talking about our nation’s premiere tropical destination you can’t drop someone behind a fuggin’ lectern who only really has to be there when the incoming flights arrive and it’s not like you’re dropping 300 people into Oahu every minute or so? #4: The shuttle bus hotline system. Two of the three phones don’t work and how many people need a shuttle to their hotels from your flight?
[3] So now you’re going to try to use The Bus to get to your hotel. You are at the airport. You go to the The Bus bus stop. There is a sign: “The Bus.” This is all the sign indicates. There is absolutely no information about routes available, times, bus numbers, a map, nothing, this is at the AIRPORT can anyone hear me over there HELLLLOOOOOOO? Okay. Yes, in various places in Southeast Asia excluding Japan, the transportation options weren’t actually glaringly obvious. But this The Bus thing, where 98% of the stops have no indication of anything except that it’s a bus stop, and 1% feature this thing, it’s like a map on a pole, it’s in the shape of a cylinder, because some dumbshit over in Oahu thought that centuries of mapmakers had their thumbs up their asses and what humanity really needed was a map of a very linear route displayed on a vertical (I’ve got this thing about vertical maps. I make tiny gleeful noises when I [rarely] run into a map that is presented horizontally) rotating cloudy circular plastic surface. It’s interactive! You can’t see the whole thing in one fell swoop, it possesses hidden elements of surprise! I'VE EVEN PUT LITTLE TINKLY BELLS IN IT SO THE RIDER IS SOOTHED WHILE FIGURING OUT HOW TO TRANSFER OR JUST WHAT IN THE FREAKING HELL OPTIONS HE OR SHE HAS OR DOES NOT HAVE The other 1% feature a smashed version of said thing, and good on them – I want the fetish The Bus Navigational Route Thing Smashfest DVD.
Of course there are beautiful The Bus route markers at the central mall.
I also applaud the drivers for not enforcing the heinous “no baggage” rule. If I can make my baggage fit in my own personal zone and I’m not pissing off any other passengers then let me ride in peace except if I’m sitting on the engine in back then me ride in peace with an extremely hot butt and I don’t mean sexy, that’s just a given.
“Man, there’s some totally fresh stuff going off at Cardhouse today! This guy went halfway around the world for a month or something, right? And now he’s complaining about mass transit. Fresh.”