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2004jan07. Henhouse Update #17a. The roosters are being replaced faster than members of Menudo. Since they've been quarantined to the coop after the mighty chihuahua attack, they are for the most part out of sight ... but the crowing is changing. Back in the day, there were three roosters, two with bright, shiny vocalizations, and one who must have been chugging Vicks Formula 44-D ... now I’m getting the impression there’s only one shy one. Unless, of course, they've all mostly decided to stop crowing because of that whole dog-killing-chicken thing. Hard to say. The turkeys can still roam, however (tough enough to fight dogs?), and one of them is getting infinitesimally more comfortable with our occasional presence. The turkey still immediately gets all puffed-up macho and fans out his tail feathers when he sees us, but now he will occasionally stop dragging his wings on the ground (which I am guessing is another macho thing, I used to do it back when I drove my shiny black Trans-Am around, muscle shirt, gold chains, you remember [here the narrator strikes a familiar “weightlifting” pose known as the “sneaky snake"]) to peck at a stray kernel of whatever it is that turkeys eat. Off the ground. Way far away from any feeder. Bugs? Dirt/rocks for the gullet? Or is that gizzard? Or, as the kids on the street say, the “gizzazzay.” I am not up on my turkey technology. In other bird news, we are scheming and dreaming up ways to entice a roadrunner or two to visit the property from time to time, as they are swell, beautiful birds -- you can apparently set your watch by them as they run around pre-determined paths each day, just like Paul Ordman, or Oortcloud, the math guy who had sex with numbers or mistook his hat for an integral, whatever. Also we would like ravens to visit. Without the whole leave-some-delicious-dead-carcasses-on-the-ground theme. In other news, I am coming to you LIVE in glorious 16 colors. I have two crippled 1997-era PCs that constantly fight me as I try to maxorize them into just one that actually works properly. Today one of them lost its “operating system.” I tried to feed it some grain, no dice.

2004jan10. A review of Unmade Beds.

2004jan11. A threat.

2004jan12. We had a coco-nut today. Drilling holes, drinking the juice (delicious, with a slightly woody taste), hacking it open with a machete to get at the “meat” – eating a coco-nut is a very hands-on surreal experience and inexpensive. That is, as long as you have a drill and a machete – though the tradition is to just use a machete for both liquid and solid acquisition. Or you could drop a large rock on it, or shoot it open, I suppose.Also, the noise it makes when you knock on it is priceless. You can choose between the young coco-nut (which looks like a scale model of a yurt) and the mature coco-nut, which you have seen in cartoons. I recommend it to everyone. [arms splayed] EVERYONE! ENJOY THE POTABLE, EDIBLE COCO-NUT TODAY!

2004jan14. RED-NET. “RED#NET intends to be a multi-functional, permeable, portable surface that reroutes and reapplies public space.”

2004jan14. Irational Courier.

The main function of this service is to match travellers who are prepared to carry parcels against people who have things that need to go to the same place.
Stuff it, UPS!

2004jan16. Your tax dollars at work ... and play! I believe the photos on the cover of the bookmark are potential “mules,” that is, drugs can conceivably be smuggled inside small children or conjoined dogs, or illegal dogs made of drugs inside children or vice-versa. Or maybe someone was sitting at the GPO and said “oh, how are we going to cram this ham-fisted stool pigeon shit down America’s tender throat? I know, America can’t get enough of kids ... ‘n’ dogs!” There’s another bookmark with the cat holding onto the edge of a frayed rope for CAPPS II with the title “When you can’t fly any more, just tie a knot at the end and hang on!”

This message acknowledges both the return and the contribution to society of Misterpants.

2004jan17. Mail.

I am interested in buying into your pop-ad inventory. If you could get back to me with pricing and availability, I would appreciate it.

Currently, we are doing in-house promotionals for Alienware, a Go-L.com supercomputer, 42-inch plasma TV and some other items that would appeal to your audience.

I have an $8 – $10k budget to work with, and I’m looking for sites that can deliver high volume. If possible, please contact me by phone.

We currently have one pop-up slot open, enabling you to deliver pop-up ads to what our in-house demographics department describes as a “bored housewife in Idaho” and then there are a bunch of random fake numbers after that to make the demographic department look like it’s actually relevant to the company. She has no desire for any of things you name in your above email, but I think if we really stick with this campaign, pepper her web surfing with four or five pop-ups per hour, she may begin to see the wisdom of enjoying an episode of FOX TV’s “America’s Most Wanted: America Fights Back” in a ridiculously-oversized/overpriced format. I’ve spoken with Jerry in accounting, and he’s thinking we can soak your ass for five hunnerd clams per view, and an extra cool grand per click-through. I trust Jerry, he’s a good guy, but I think he’s a little off this time. So I’m giving you HALF OFF of Jerry’s little flip reasoning lapse. Throw an extra Franklin on the table and I'll give you the target market’s hometown and how many Wal-Marts are within ten miles of her. Act now and you'll get this dirty bowl in front of me that until very recently contained what I amusingly refer to as “my lunch.” It’s dishwasher safe and unlike most online advertisers actually reads the webpages it ends up at so when it sees a phrase on a website’s contact page that reads “Advertising of any kind is frowned upon. Big frowny face for you, ad-man. You make me bloat with queasiness. Do us all a favor and go away.” it knows that if it were an advertiser, its gap-jawed schtick is not welcome there. If you feel like replying, be reminded that my email program automatically substitutes any swear words with a parenthetical “[here the author wees on himself repeatedly]” ... cracks me up every time.

The advertiser was not cowed by this response, sending it around the office and “everyone is having a laugh.” My campaign of email terror has backfired. Resolution for 2004: MORE WRATHFULNESS

To wit: his username was first initial-last name and I was all like “I bet it’s Brad” and it turned out to be Brad and then I was like I KNEW his name was Brad, I should have guessed at it in the email – it’s ALWAYS Brad – IT HAS “AD” RIGHT IN THE FUGGIN PANTS OF THE NAME

In other news, the UPS man (“We’re brown! We’re emphasizing this for some reason! We’re putting our mighty marketing power behind the most putrid color in the rainbow!”) stopped by today and was schlepping a large package to me as I waited patiently on the porch. I wasn’t wearing shoes, and in Arizona, everything tries to kill you, including the ground (the trees drop caltrops-like mini-branches, the cactus spines end up there, holes hold bitey things, and of course there’s the wily maneuvers of the wisely-feared desert jellyfish). I think I mentioned this before. Anyway, he’s dragging this package over to me, and he reads the package upside down and mispronounces the name on the package and then makes a joke about how he shouldn’t try to read packages upside-down and of course right then instead of laughing I just thought of n package delivery drivers in the entire history of time making that joke m times throughout the course of their careers and I got this really far-away mxn look on my face and the UPS guy saw it and couldn’t wait to get out of there.

2004jan18. Three Stories About Christopher Walken.

2004jan18. Rare? I burned 200 of those things. (X Magazine)

2004jan19. Interview: Dan Schneider (Ricky on Better Off Dead).

2004jan19. Bob’s Travel Journal: New Zealand.

2004jan19. There’s so many beautiful things going on in this short quicktime movie of a truck-surfing idiot it’s astounding.

1) If you’re going to do something like this, and that’s not to say that anyone with a dollop of brainpower would want to, but ... if you are ... I can think of better places than a house-packed suburb.
2) That’s a fire hydrant. Nice shot.
3) Unfortunately the camera cuts away, but it looks like he may have scored 5x bonus points by running over himself.
4) I would like to see the police report on this one.

2004jan19. Surreal use of beaucratic hoo-hoo: Love & Afferications – The George Kotolaris Story. (Word.com, 1997)

2004jan27. Another observation about coco-nuts. The mature coco-nut does not have as much juice as a young coco-nut. In addition, the mature coco-nut’s juice does not taste as excellent as the young coco-nut. Finally, the young coco-nut’s meat, although thinner, is softer and easier to remove from the coco-nut itself. Ultimately, it is your choice, but I have turned my attention away from the mature coco-nut.

2004jan28. I BEAT FRIENDSTER

THE LAST GUY WAS HARD

2004jan28. Bob’s Travel Journal: Rarotonga / Los Angeles.

2004jan31. There really aren’t that many foodstuffs that you can both drink and eat. That’s another reason why I am firmly endorsing the immature coco-nut.

2004jan31. Penkiln Burn: Job 5. Corrected URL. Penkiln Burn is run by Bill Drummond, formerly of the musical group The KLF.

2004jan31. My doctor put me on Orkut the other day (“Jeff Stendec”). SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, cramping, bloating. If you are not on Orkut you are probably not missing anything.

2004jan31. Phone conversation.

“Hello, T D Rowe.”
“What exactly is T D Rowe?”
“You know, sir, I don’t know. This is an answering service.”
Perhaps I will ask more relevant questions next time.