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2004dec01. Image: Mansfield’s Choice Pepsin Gum. $2195. Blood orange gum didn’t really catch on, I guess. Other old candy ads/machines.

2004dec01. More on crappy ribbonfest USA. For the record, the shitty script font on the ribbons is ITC Edwardian. It’s so sophisticated! [grasps corn likker jug while extending pinky]

2004dec01. Beginning of journey. Gas station.

Feelin’ pretty special, here.


Needles, Calfornia. Closed, rotting.


Tehachapi, California. Open, dirty. Shame, it’s a nice sign. Forgot the chainsaw. Ended up at the Santa Fe Motel instead.

2004dec02. Fofoshoppe tutorial: Partial Black ‘n’ White Photos

2004dec02. Costco cocktail arcade cabinet with 35 games: $2299. What a total ripoff. What the freak is that money paying for? The rights to Bombjack Twin? Buy a stand-up cabinet with a horrible game, gut and paint it, throw in a cheap PC with Mame. End of story. Cocktail cabinets suck for gameplay anyway, unless it’s Warlords. Feeling very old now.

2004dec03. Mail.

I’m thinking it’s time for someone with paintballs.

Oh man, did you you NAIL it. I am so with you on this one. Someone ... with ... what? Someone? Paintballs?

I’m from south africa and looking for a Baby Born Doll for my daughter I believe the doll can cry you can feed it and it wee’s too could you find one and if so how much

thank you

Natalie M.
[phone number]

AHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WEES

2004dec04. Lots of mail to-day. Lots of italicized and capitalized responses to-day.

Un-fucking-believable!

I am beginning to have serious doubts that our nation can be fixed. Perhaps, it just needs to implode, and then in another 60 years or so, something better will, hopefully, arise. Maybe a more humble, caring and humane nation, the citizens of which have learned their lesson regarding greed, gluttony, deceit, fear which leads to fear-mongering, and most of all, I hope we will have learned, once and for all, that Religion and State should never mix.

We have people running this country who believe in Santa Claus. That is like giving the car keys to a 3 year old.

God save us from your people!

It’s “our” nation, “this” country, but “my” people? [motions with Heston-as-Moses-like sweeping arm gestures] THESE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE. Wait, maybe you meant God’s people? But then that would be “Your people” and not “your people.” And I’m assuming you’re reacting to this and not [randomly points] this.

Say, are those last four digits on the DEA hotline number a shorthand for “Phoenix,” or the phonetic spelling of “Finks"?
Just wondering.

Well photo'ed and mocked, my friend.

Kevin

Someone else spotted that as well. Sometimes I miss the meatballs. Thinking too hard, obviously. Rocket science humor.

This is great stuff. Thanks for doing all this.

You may have heard of his site, but another artist has been equally generous with his time, zefrank.com, I believe it is.

Wait, I'll check that ... .

... Yup, zefrank.com. If you haven’t seen it, you in particular will enjoy wandering around an checking out some of the stuff there. It’s not all as mature or insightful, but there’s a lot of good work there.

The billboard commentary is pretty funny. Glad to hear there are some folks in Arizona who are so clear in their thinking. This Blue state, Red state nonsense is getting a lot of people confused. Or is it the human being’s natural tendency to want a simple means of inflicting pain on others that’s doing it?

Great site!

I am hip to the Zefrank.com. I can out-immature Zefrank anyday. PUT UP YOUR DUKES ZE FRANK

Great Site.

The picture/word things is excellent. Pig parts ... .whod a thunk it?

Its the coolest thing I’ve seen for a while. The Arizona billboards are too scary yet you made them so idiotic, I could get my head around their message. WOW

Seriously, I'll check back frequently given this excellent content - ps saw it on buzzflash.

Dave

I thank Buzzflash for the traffic, but man, that format hurts my eyes. MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA! THIS JUST IN BY WIRELESS! Maybe it would be better routed through an RSS feeder thing. And now I can see that Cardhouse is down. Well, if you can’t read this message, that’s probably why. Wrapped it all up with the classic “if you’re not here, raise your hand” vignette.

2004dec06. Mini-bar, Sunburst Hotel, Scottsdale Arizona.

Chips, candy bars, camera, mug cozy, wine corker, go cup, crappy health bars, peanuts, monogrammed hats, wine cozy, etc. Soon hotel mini-bars will conveniently take up an entire wall of your room and tastefully monogrammed snack items will fall from the ceiling onto your bed as you sleep. They also crammed the refrigerator full of drinks (none of this was labelled with a price – if you have to ask, you’re not hungry/thirsty enough), barely had enough room for our bizarro fun-time drinks acquired at the Pop: The Soda Shop:

For some reason, one of these bottles featured a man with a head wound rolling around in a wheelchair. Banana nectar! It was from Belgium. It wasn’t that good. It’s very difficult to make a good banana drink, something I discovered countless times while travelling around Southeast Asia. “Surely this won’t be the seventh bad banana juice drink I’ve had this trip.”

It took me half the day to figure out that he’s in a wheelchair because he’s slipped on the banana, torqued his ankle, landed on his head. I’m slow today, have a nasty cold. If you’re really nice you'll send soothing words via electronic mail.

In other news, I’d been meaning to add a billboard to the billboard collection ... it’s been around the town for over a year:

Peek-a-boo! I'll get a better shot of it when the ground dries up, it’s swampy back there. That’s all it says. Another Clear Channel production number, apparently. I’m praying that this whole billboard mess gets sorted out and they’re all gloriously destroyed ...

2004dec07. I am trying to find out what the name of this plush “animal” is, and who makes it. I took a photo of it in “Kiddy Land” in Harajuku in May. Someone has written in expressing a desire to own one. Apparently the name is not Chokefriends®. I was so confident.

2004dec07. About five skrillion years ago, I was going to publish a big, big page in X Magazine just listing the names of hair styling locations that were based on puns. Like Prime Cuts, or Shear Ecstasy. Ha. Ha ha. Love the puns. Can’t get enough of them. Anyway, there was also going to be a sidebar: Doc was rummaging around in the phone book one day and in the middle of all the hair styling places there was an erroneous listing for “Skynet Communications.” So he called the place, hoping to get some supreme stylin'.

Sky-Not -or- Accents Will Happen

SKYNET: [Lady with Vietnamese accent] Skynet, can I help you?

D: Is this “Skynet?”

Yes.

D: I’d like to make a styling appointment.

What you need?

D: I would like an appointment.

Yes?

D: Can I make an appointment?

For what?

D: Stylin'.

For what?

D: Stylin'. You know, like a ... a haircut.

Oh no, this is not the ... this is, uh, Skynet

D: Communications --

Skynet. --a different place.

D: Excuse me?

We sell the beeper.

D: Right ... I need to get an appointment.

[The conversation lags]

D: You’re in the --

This is not a haircut, this a beeper place.

D: A WHAT?

A beeper ... pager.

D: Well I’m just lookin’ here in the yella pages.

Yeah, I-I-I don’t know, maybe they have a mistake them. Cos’ this is the, you know, we sell the pager.

D: And you’re called what?

Skynet.

D: “Skynet.” Right, right, right. So I need to get an appointment.

For a haircut?

D: Yeah.

No, we, we don’t, we don’t do haircut over here. We sell pager.

D: I don’t understand. You’re called “Skynet,” though. Right?

Skynet COMMUNICATIONS.

D: Right. Like, you know ... HAIRnet, or --

No we have no nail, er, hair, over here.

D: – AQUAnet --

No. We don’t have over here.

D: The hairspray. Aquanet.

[Barely audible breathing]

D: “Skynet” ... isn’t that the name of ... did you see the Terminator movies? With that fella Schwarzenegger?

No.

D: Well, that was the name of the evil ... computer ... corporation ... that took over the WORLD!

[Complete silence]

D: “Skynet.” Right? S-K-Y-N-E-T. Can I make an appointment?

No! We over here, we don’t do the hair!

D: Well, when did you stop?

Huh?

D: When did you stop doing hair?

We don’t, we never do a hair over here. We never do it.

D: Really.

Never.

D: How did you get in the yellow pages, then?

No! We don’t know!

D: Did you --

Maybe they have the same name!

D: – so you --

A different business!

D: Y'all went out of business?

Okay, b'bye!

D: What, now? You’re going out of business?

[click]

Sky-Not Part II: Lightning Strikes Twice

[Man with East Indian accent] Skynet Communications.

D: Yeah, is this “Skynet?”

Yes.

D: Yeah ... I was talkin’ to somebody there and I think we got cut off.

Yeah.

D: This is “Skynet?” S-K-Y-N-E-T?

That’s right.

D: Okay, I want to make an appointment.

Uh-huh. Yeah. We open till six. Thirty.

D: Can I make an appointment for tomorrow?

You come here tomorrow?

D: Sure! Can I make an appointment for like, say, one o'clock?

Yeah.

D: Okay, great. Now do you do shaves also?

Huh?

D: Do you do shaves?

Uh ... what? Oh, [multiple unintelligible syllables] thinking of ... no, we uh, we uh, communications, not, not, a hair, hair ... cuttery.

D: Well --

We don’t do anything, we have nothing to do about hair. We are a communications.

D: Well --

Okay?!

D: Well, I got it--

You got the wrong number.

D: Well, I got it right out of the yellow pages, here. It’s S-K ...

No.

D: ... Y-N-E-T

They gave you the wrong number. Okay?

D: But it wasn’t the operator, it was out of the yellow pages there.

Okay! No! Sorry! [click]

2004dec07. Ohhhhhhh! I get it now. That earlier mail, the “it’s time for someone with paintballs” one. For the billboards! Ha! Ha ha! C'mon people, I’ve got five skrillion pages here. Reminds me of the email asking “WHEN IS THE NEXT BAND DAY?????? AND HOW MUCH IS THE BANDS??” and it was because I posted photos of the Arizona State Fair. Which means to many AOL users that I am of course the Arizona State Fair website. Lemme get right on that one.

2004dec07. Mail.

I was reading your article on Food City, and when I came across the picture of the "Gold Silver Offering Spray"), and I was struck by the similarity of the image on the can, to something I came across while reading the other night. “In 1581 the Emperor Rudolf II gave Augustus the Strong, Elector of Saxony, a piece of virgin rock in which were embedded sixteen emeralds, of some great size (only ten remain). It came from Columbia in South America. The Elector commissioned the sculptor Balthasar Permozer to make a setting for it in the form of a South American Indian, adding other jewels on his body: rubies, sapphires, topaz, garnets and tortoiseshell.” From the book Cabinets of Curiosity, by Patrick Mauries. The guy holding the huge chunk of gold on the can, is the same one made for Augustus the Strong, which can be seen at http://www.kunstkammer.at/mohr.jpg. Odd.

Cabinets of Curiosity is on my reading list. It is indeed wonderful that the riches of the Elector of Saxony now come in a spray-on form. We live in the best of times.

2004dec08. There used to be an egg here. Now it is gone. Its constant quivering vexed me. Sure, it was a larf for you, but I’m checking this page a lot more than you. I had to look into the soul of the egg. It wasn’t pretty.

2004dec08. Spraycan pillows.

2004dec09. The actual name of the Chokefriends! is “Mee,” made by microbead-obsessed pillow manufacturer Mogu. Unfortunately I cannot find a U.S. distributor, but thanks to everyone who wrote in!

2004dec09. I’m sorry, we ... we lost him.

2004dec09. They’re not just assholes in power creating fictions of fear, they’re serial assholes in power creating fictions of fear.

2004dec10. Quitting the Paint Factory. Idleness, the Futurists, Bush. It’s all coming to-gether.

2004dec11. Day Three begins and the builders return to the shop to discover that Koko has hidden all the tools. Ani-mal, Animal Garage. [via molly]

2004dec11. Random Brokenness.

2004dec12. PEOPLE CONFINED TO BED SHOULD EAT 3 INFANTS

2004dec12. The actual Funky Pirates. Had no idea. Looking forward to the Funky Pirates ice cream binding agents.

2004dec12. Word Mark: Funky Pirates.

Filing Date: March 11, 2004.

Goods and Services: IC 014. US 002 027 028 050. G & S: Precious metals; keyrings (trinkets or fobs); tableware of precious metal; nutcrackers, pepper pots, sugar bowls, salt shakers, egg cups, napkin holders, napkin rings, trays and toothpick holders of precious metal; boxes of precious metal for needles; boxes of precious metal for small articles; candle extinguishers and candlesticks of precious metal; jewel cases of precious metal; flower vases and bowls of precious metal; trophies (prize cups); personal ornaments of precious metal; purses and wallets of precious metal; unwrought and semi-wrought precious stones and their imitations; powder compacts of precious metal; shoe ornaments of precious metal; clocks and watches; smokers’ articles of precious metal

IC 016. US 002 005 022 023 029 037 038 050. G & S: Pastes and other adhesives for stationary or household purposes; sealing wax; printers’ reglets (interline leads); printing types; addressing machines; inking ribbons; automatic stamp putting-on machines; electric staplers for offices; envelope sealing machines for offices; stamp obliterating machines; drawing instruments; typewriters; checkwriters; mimeographs; relief duplicators; paper shredders (for office use); franking machines (stamping machines); rotary duplicators; marking templates; electric pencil sharpeners; decorators’ paintbrushes; babies’ diapers of paper; industrial packaging containers of paper; food wrapping plastic film for household use; garbage bags of paper (for household use); garbage bags of plastics (for household use); paper patterns; tailors’ chalk; banners of paper; flags of paper; indoor aquaria and their fittings; hygienic paper; towels of paper; table napkins of paper; hand towels of paper; handkerchiefs of paper; baggage tags; printed lottery tickets (other than toys); table cloths of paper; paper and cardboard; stationery and study materials; calendars and other printed matter; paintings and calligraphic works; photographs; photograph stands; poster panels

IC 020. US 002 013 022 025 032 050. G & S: Meerschaum (raw or partly worked material); yellow amber; loading pallets (not of metal); beehives (hive boxes or honeycombs); hairdresser’s chairs; barbers’ chairs; valves of plastic (not including machine elements); storage tanks (not of metal or masonry); containers for transport, not of metal; wedges, nuts, screws, bolts, rivets and casters (not of metal); washers (not of metal, not of rubber or vulcanized fiber); locks (non-electric, not of metal); cushions (furniture); Japanese floor cushions (Zabuton); pillows; mattresses; straw plaits (braids), industrial packaging containers of wood, bamboo or plastics; drinking straws; trays (not of metal); embroidery frames and hoops; nameplates and door nameplates (not of metal); flagpoles; hand-held flat fans; hand-held folding fans; stakes for plants or trees; beds for household pets; dog kennels; nesting boxes for small birds; step ladders and ladders (not of metal); letter boxes (not of metal or masonry); hat hooks (not of metal); shopping baskets; water tanks for household purposes (not of metal or masonry); hanging boards (Japanese style pegboards using positional hooks); tool boxes (not of metal); towel dispensers (not of metal); portable medicine receptacles of plastics (not filled); receptacles for small articles, of wood or plastics; furniture; indoor window blinds (shade) (furniture); blinds of reed, rattan or bamboo (Sudare); bead curtains for decoration; oriental folding partition screen (Byoubu); benches; advertising balloons; upright signboards of wood or plastics; artificial model food samples; cradles; infant walkers; mannequins; costume display stands; sleeping bags (for camping); picture frames; plaster sculptures; plastic sculptures; wooden sculptures. ferns (unworked or partly worked material); bamboo (unworked or partly worked material); bamboo skins (unworked or partly worked material); rattan (unworked or partly worked material); reeds (raw or partly worked material); rushes (raw or partly worked material); onigaya hay (raw or partly worked material); sedges (unworked or partly worked material); straw of wheat, barley or oats; rice straw; whalebones; shells; artificial horns; ivory (unworked or partly worked material); animal horns; animal teeth; tortoiseshells (unworked or partly worked material); animal bone (unworked or partly worked material); coral (unworked or partly worked)

IC 021. US 002 013 023 029 030 033 040 050. G & S: Dental floss (floss for dental purposes); unworked or semi-worked glass (not for building); mangers for animals (troughs for livestock); poultry rings; cooking skewers; tub brushes; metal brushes; brushes for pipes; industrial brushes; ship-scrubbing brushes; gloves for household purposes; cooking pots and pans (non-electric); coffee-pots (non-electric, not of precious metal); Japanese cast iron kettles, non-electric (Tetsubin); kettles (non-electric); tableware (not of precious metal); portable cold boxes (non-electric); rice chests; food preserving jars of glass; drinking flasks (for travelers); vacuum bottles; ice pails; whisks (non-electric); cooking strainers; pepper pots, sugar bowls and salt shakers (not of precious metal); egg cups (not of precious metal); napkin holders and napkin rings (not of precious metal); trays (not of precious metal); toothpick holders (not of precious metal); colanders; shakers; Japanese style cooked rice scoops (Shamoji); hand-operated coffee grinders and pepper mills; cooking funnels; Japanese style wooden pestles (Surikogi); Japanese style earthenware mortars (Suribachi); Japanese style personal dining trays or stands (Zen); bottle openers; cooking graters; tart scoops; chopsticks; chopstick cases; ladles and dippers; cooking sieves and sifters; chopping boards for kitchen use; rolling pins (for cooking purposes); cooking grills; toothpicks; lemon squeezers (citrus juicers); waffle irons (non-electric); gloves for gripping pans, of cloth; lunch boxes; cleaning tools and washing utensils; ironing boards; ironing boards (Kotedai); stirrers for hot bathtub water (Yukakibo); bathroom pails; candle extinguishers and candlesticks (not of precious metal); cinder sifters for household purposes; coal scuttles; fly swatters; mouse traps; flower pots; watering cans; feeding vessels for pets. brushes for pets; bird cages; bird baths; clothes brushes; chamber pots; toilet paper holders; piggy banks (not of metal); boxes of metal for dispensing paper towels; boot jacks; soap dispensers; flower vases and bowls (not of precious metal); sculptures of glass or ceramics (indoor); upright signboards of glass or ceramics; perfume burners; cosmetic and toilet utensils; shoe brushes; shoe horns; shoe shine cloths; shoe-trees (stretchers); portable cooking kits for outdoor use; pig bristles (hog bristles for brushes)

IC 025. US 022 039. G & S: Clothing; garters; sock suspenders; suspenders (braces); waistbands; belts for clothing; footwear; masquerade costumes; clothes for sports; boots for sports

IC 028. US 022 023 038 050. G & S: Wax for skis; amusement machines and apparatus for use in amusement parks (other than arcade video game machines); toys for domestic pets; stuffed toys and other toys; dolls; Christmas tree ornaments; go games; Japanese playing cards (Utagaruta); Japanese chess (Shogi games); dice; Japanese dice games (Sugoroku); dice cups; diamond games; bingo games; chess games; checkers (checker sets); conjuring apparatus; dominoes; playing cards; Japanese playing cards (Hanafuda); Mah-jong; game machines and apparatus; billiard equipment; sports equipment; fishing tackle

IC 030. US 046. G & S: Binding agents for ice cream; meat tenderizers for household purposes; preparations for stiffening whipped cream; aromatic preparations for food (not from “essential oils”); tea; coffee and cocoa; ice; confectionery, bread and buns; seasonings; spices; ice cream mixes; sherbet mixes; unroasted coffee (unprocessed); cereal preparations; almond paste; Chinese stuffed dumplings (Gyoza, cooked); sandwiches; Chinese steamed dumplings (Shumai, cooked); Sushi; fried balls of batter mix with small pieces of octopus (Takoyaki); steamed buns stuffed with minced meat (Niku-manjuh); hamburgers (prepared); pizzas (prepared); hot dogs (prepared); meat pies (prepared); ravioli (prepared); spring rolls; yeast powder; fermenting malted rice (Koji); yeast; baking powder; instant confectionery mixes; sake lees (for food); husked rice; husked oats; husked barley; flour for food; gluten for food; dietetic foods of cereals as the main material

Can’t wait to get my hands on Funky Pirates franking machine. Or the Surikogi. Either one.

2004dec12. DER INTERNETSHOPPEN VON AMPELMANN KOLLEKTION IN IHREM GESICHT “der Plštzchenscherblock! der Plštzchenscherblock! ich arbeite Schnitte Ampelmann des Fleisches um! Oh – die Menschlichkeit!”

2004dec15. Cat Brand Tobacco. Purchased on Koh Samui, Thailand, May 2004.

Reminds one of the old Eveready cat logo, does it not? Yes it does.

2004dec16. Ephemera font.

2004dec17. FOX news subhead.

WHAT WILL SCOTT PETERSON'S LIFE BE LIKE IN SAN QUENTIN?
God, marry the guy already.

2004dec17. Mitch Albom’s “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” is on right now. As I alighted on the channel a young American soldier who was being held captive is striking a prone Japanese soldier repeatedly about the head with a rock. His buddy comes up and shoots the Japanese soldier in the face. Just a few inches down and to the right of this touching scene is the logo for the “ABC Family” channel. It has a little Santee Claus hat on it, so cute! ABC Family: No Tits, Total Carnage. Happy holidays. [Special to Mitch: We didn’t put that quartz next to the desert phone booth. Ass.]

2004dec19. Wasn’t there some guy who was selling ukeleles made out of gas cans? Weren’t there some photos on the net of these gas can ukes? Where were they? Uhhhh?

2004dec20. Babs is censored by Bebe writing to Babs.

2004dec21. And now ... a special message from all of us at Cardhouse, to you ... and yours.

2004dec23. HAHAHAHAHA FUN TIME DO-NUT DOLLS JUST IN TIME FOR GIFT GIVE [via cute things I LIKE THE CUTE THINGS YOU SHOULD TOO!!!!!!111!!!1]

2004dec23. Sears catalog. 1927.

2004dec23. Another discovery in the 1927 Sears catalog. More gruesome than Rat Killer.

Brrrrrrrr ... I feel cold inside ...

2004dec24. Mail.

../travel/az/welcomediner.htm

send info on this diner

For more information on the Welcome Diner, please see the following webpage:

../travel/az/welcomediner.htm

Thank you!

2004dec24. Interview: Penn [via doc]

2004dec24. Mail.

Would you believe I just saw the Mc.Leans Volcanic Liniment at [store] in Connecticut of all places!!! $2.97 a bottle ... and it is that same old packaging! I opened it to see what it smelled like and nearly passed out! Leads me to wonder ... is chlorothymol 1800’s lingo for chloroform! That’s how I found you ... trying to find out what the heck it was! Smelled awful! But a lot like a horse liniment we used to use at the farm.

I would believe it because I photographed that bottle not a year ago. If they hadn’t changed the label in 114 years, I don’t think a year is going to kill them. Dr. Berk responds RE chlorothymol: “Nope – it is a completely different molecule. Much more complex than chloroform.” Thank you, Dr. Berk.

2004dec25. Child’s Play II: Children play old video games. Again. [via mono211]

If Mike Tyson was in this game, his special move would be to bite people’s ears. Then he’d be all gloating about it, but then the sound’s all low because you can’t hear him because your ears are gone.

2004dec25. Google has indicated that no one online has used the word “sweettocks” – a deft combination of the words “sweet” and “buttocks” – before. Noted.

2004dec28. Mail.

Hello. I am needing a fresh picnic ham for new years day. At least 25 pounds with lots of skin ... can I order this from your meat department?

Thank you

Yes. Yes you may. You will find that our picnic hams are the “skin-iest” hams around! Ha ha! A little grocery joke, there.

Thank you for shopping!

Frank Stephenson
Head Butcher/Livestock Killer

2004dec28. Cone top soda cans.

2004dec29. Attacking a company.

2004dec30. I rushed outside of the house today to get the garbage cans before the rain picked up and I startled two bunnies in the driveway. We all froze ... twitched our noses ... moved slowly around each other ... and made our various ways to our various destinations. It’s good to live somewhere that’s SUDDENLY BUNNIES!

2004dec30. The Night Cabbie chucks it in.

2004dec30. New Kantacky Fried Chicken. This reminds me of usually-poor comedian Richard Lewis on Letterman one day discussing third-party operators taking over actual chain stores then making minor changes to the signs. The one that I remember him mentioning was “International Shouse of Shancakes.”