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2003oct01. Watermelon packing case.

2003oct01. Tranny Honey.

2003oct01. Interview with James Marsters

2003oct02. Delivery beaver.

“UPS, ma'am. Don’t mind the gnawed side, it came like that.”

2003oct04. Mail.

Hello Cardhouse persons, I enjoyed the crazy watermelon kids picture. In fact, I spent my lunch hour making a photohunt challenge of it for my friends (http://stumpshaker.com/photohunt). If you are unfamiliar with this particular flavor of bar-top, coin-operated video crack, it’s a very ordinary spot-the-differences operation. Like that Hilights magazine crap, if you remember from dentists’ offices from your youth. If I had more time and a greater belt in google-fu, perhaps I could've found an image of the photohunt display and put them inside it. As it is, it is nothing to brag about, but I just wanted to thank you for the image, which has just the right mixture of both timeworn authenticity and banality tapped just over the edge into carnivalesque nightmare. Anyways, thanks for the image.


Now I must stare at the scary Children of the Watermelon Patch some more? This is an evil game.

2003oct05. Dinner time, guys! Guys! Guys?

2003oct05. Long, wonderful article on Ricky Jay. Small craft warning: The bit about Copperfield’s museum entrance made me physically ill. [via lemonodor]

2003oct05. The property next door is split into two sections: a front yard, featuring several yappy small dogs, and a back yard, featuring a large cardboard watermelon box worth of roosters, chickens, and turkeys. A few days ago, the denizens of the coop were rather agitated, loudly clucking and making noises I’d never heard before. Seconds later, I noticed one of the smaller dogs attacking a larger chicken, and I’m pretty sure there’s one less chicken in there now. Wasn’t much I could do, good barbed wire makes good neighbors.

2003oct05. A query, via mail.

Hi there ...
I got ur address thru ur website. and I`m writing this mail to regarding some information related to a particular brand of cigarettes. I`m really looking forward for your answer.

Almost 4-5 years back I watched an episode on “Discovery Channel” and same on CNBC NEWS regarding this Cigarette, wher in Japan they introduced a new Brand of Cigarettes, with different flavours (Menthol, Clove), where you do not have to light up the cigarette stick with Match box or Lighter. U can directly use the cigarette without leaving the smoke or ash behind it. Majorly used in public places like Train stations and Airports.
I want more information about this brand of Cigarettes. The Brand name, Rates, Export quality/possibilities.

Thanking you

With warm Regards
Praveen K.

I believe the answer to your query can be found in a book entitled Complete and Utter Failure written by Neil Steinberg. I’d look through my copy of the book to secure a solution to your quandary, but my copy is apparently squirreled away in one of the several boxes I’ve neglected to unpack from our recent move. As a substitute, I quote this passage from the 1961 Quadrangle Books offering You Can Survive The Bomb by Col. Mel Mawrence with John Clark Kimball.

As for the business of shooting your neighbors, that is just more of the hysterical nonsense that surrounds the subject of civil defense. The surest way to avoid the possibility of a rush on one shelter is to have several in the neighborhood. The surest way to trigger general shelter construction is to build one yourself and be proud of it. Others will follow your lead.

2003oct05. While tootling around Fisherman’s Wharf like a drooling pretzel-eating tourist, I noticed a kid idly playing with the “NEXT BOAT” hands of a large graphic display clock. Eventually one of the workers came over to admonish him.

His father also showed up, and I have no idea what sort of conversations the kid had with both of these authority figures, but I bet you could figure it out.
The thing is, that clock is just asking for it. Low to the ground, big and friendly, it looks like a play clock. You got a problem with it, Alcatraz boat people? put a sheet of plastic over it, or lock it down. I think the next time I’m up there I’m going to play with it a little bit, maybe bring little wooden blocks that read “A.M.” and “P.M.” ... “NEXT BOAT 3 A.M., TOOOOOOOT”

2003oct05. On October 12th, Spike TV will show seven episodes of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. [1 2] This is a bad time not to have cable TV.

2003oct06. The Brooklyn DMV and the Arizona MVD or MVP or whatever share an automated queuing system named “The Infinite Wait Matrix 3000” or something like that. See those codes on the wall?

F407 5
E982 4
F406 7
C637 18
A182 26
The first part is your own personal waiting code ticket, which you can reflect on for many, many minutes in the air-conditioned comfort of the DMV office. The second part is the window you’re supposed to report to. I have no idea why they've decided to partition the sequence into n segments where n is the total number of letter prefixes used. I originally had thought it was to create a false sense of impending action, but if you’re going to let each letter get up to 999 and wrap around, then there’s really no reason to not go with just a straight number code. In addition to this crap, Arizona’s DMV features an automated ro-bot voice reading off the top line of the display. Or, that’s what it’s supposed to do. Instead, it reads the top letter, and then the number of the second line, and the window from the first line. There is also an LCD sign that attempts to relieve the boredom by presenting various vacuous trivia questions, and I’m surprised the whole thing didn’t just burst into flames from the combined mind power of hundreds of trapped citizens. Then, finally, the license photo.
Though I’m currently using a cheap Canon digital camera that can take amazing pictures with almost no light, they've somehow set themselves up with a camera that will instantly blind you if you look where they tell you to look. “Hold on, I have to pour in the flash powder here ... “

There. I have complained about the DMV. Next: airlines.

2003oct06. [Cardhouse] Musee Mecanique photo thing.

2003oct08. Leisuretown.com is gone. One of the best comic sites on the web. Destiny-land pointed out that the donation page is still active, so I finally dug in my pockets. It is a sad day. Which reminds me, a special message to California: HA HA YOU HAVE RO-BOT KILLING MACHINE FOR A LEADER KISS THE NINE BILLION GOODBYE

2003oct11. Mail. Not my best work, I need to get out more.

I purchased a 24oz. package of Kettke Fresh Caramel for making caramel apples. The package says that microwave directions are on the back, but not so. I am sure that I have to mix milk with the caramel but don’t know the amount.

We do apologize for the lack of microwave instructions. For the best taste, we recommend mixing in approximately fifty-seven (57) gallons of milk per 24oz. package. We understand that typical consumer-grade microwaves are not large enough to mix up such a batch, this is why we recommend customers visit any of the following facilities to rent large industrial-grade microwaves:

- Plastics company
– Paint company
– Wormery
– Automobile manufacturer
- Farm animal prototyping facility
– OfficeMax

If you do not live near any of these selections, we also can visit customers with one of our several mobile microwave labs, which we humorously call a “Nukemobile.” Please let us know if this is your particular situation.

Tink Gloschmanno
Customer Relations

2003oct12. Cockeyed: The new $20. Needs an ebay auction.

2003oct14. You could cram this url into World Lingo and learn all sorts of stuff about the USA through the eyes of the Japanese.

Those which are sold in America being to enter to the hand even in mostly Japan, are about you are troubled rather, but as for me most food kana. Utilizing the advantage those in the world entering into the hand, the spice whose each country is unusual. Furthermore the canned goods, color colorful the candy ... practically, hair CARE ones, it is the tooth polishing powder ? ? place. By the way extra white of the crest when the tooth becomes white, around me is reputation. (Kay)

2003oct15. More from “U.S. Clues,” this section on Halloween:

At the time of high school trick or treat it died and turned the house ? (above the high school student however you do not do normally). Wearing the bathrobe, the Japanese ghost (?) It became. The extent which the ? it is thickly as for the candy is innumerable! This year the way kana. (Thousand summer)

?If you mention Halloween, after all disguise. The front of this is the conventional seeing, but change such as that in Dracula. Applying make-up accurately, in the mouth the fang. But, being something where the people who have been disguised more are in society, when it is Dracula, either the surprise was not done, but. Don’t you think? also such is only Halloween. (Inoue)

?I in Halloween, am the part which always lifts the candy to the children. Little by little is in the children who, the host mother inside and trick or treat die together and start but kit cutting etc. are being lifted. (Osa)

?I every year doing the various appearances, go to drinking to the bar of the beach. When being unprecedented, the just a little adult closing Juliet’s way, as for the next the clothes of the witch who stretches the spider’s web of the ready-made item, that as for the next that you probably become Snow White, being enthusiastic, however it went to shopping, the yellow skirt the fear ? being before, the person of the southern woman? It became, as for that following year. With, every year it enjoys with such feeling. Of course being in the house, you did also the candy distributing. The children ask incessantly. When it is troublesome to correspond one by one, you go out, or you have hidden with the room as pitch-dark. Also those where electricity of the entryway is not acquired, become the meaning “inside coming, there is no candy,” it seems. So, when the lamp of the room has been attached, because the child comes, the one which electricity turns off after all is appealing. (Kay)

?I it is shy in Halloween 2000, doing the appearance of the rabbit, went to play in the beach, (wry smile) it was rather shy, is ... .So, as for the people who do the shy appearance above me being many, it is what, it was the space which it can be softened (laughing)

2003oct15. I can’t stop, it’s like a sickness.

The side being there is no excuse in the story, it does, but America coming, that you are surprised first, the woman it is walking without the brassiere. Japan being to be almost not to be able to think you were surprised rather. But don’t you think?, perhaps, it is the thing itself Japanese unique thought in the first place that being shy. With this the nipple being attached to also the mannequin securely, now the sushi and there, it probably is to be portion of fashion? (Gaea)


2003oct15. I must find robot panda controlled by smaller “real” panda.

What, is this turning into some sort of Japanese weblog? CARDHOUSE: YOUR NO-NONSENSE JAPANESE WEBLOG OF VALUE. AND PAIN.

2003oct15. Mail.

Hi, I recently posted some photos of our Domo-kun Halloween costumes (and a how-to guide) Thought it might make a nice addition to your site.


Protecting the mouth. We should all protect the mouth. I like the thumb’s-up photo as well. One-eyed partially-finished Domo-kun frightens me. Etc.

2003oct15. So you go to this Master Builder interview. And then they set the 2000 bricks in front of you, and tell you you’re supposed to make, I don’t know, an octopus, in 45 minutes. So you snap like six different-colored bricks together randomly and stare at your creation like it’s Jesus Himself come down from the cross with a milkshake in one Hand and a packet of gold dubloons in the Second Hand and a delicious pie plus another milkshake in The Third. “Shitfire, that’s the best ock-dough-pus I’ve made today,” you say. “Shitfire.”

2003oct16. Grouphug.us. A place to confess. I mean, “Econfess.”

But the worst thing I ever did, I made this pot of fake puke at home and I brought it to the movies up on the balcony and I made this sound---hua-hua-huaaaaaaa---and I dumped the puke over the side. And, oh this is awful, everyone started getting sick, throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
I’ve heard about this phenomenon. You’re in a frolicking boat, someone pukes on you, you puke. There’s apparently a dividing line -- some people puke when puked on and some people don’t puke when puked on. I’m not sure if it’s situational, that is to say, that all people have the potential to puke if puked on – if not, I hope I’m on the right, non-puking side of the Puking Chain Reaction threshold. Perhaps there is a written test you can take? Epuke.com? Or maybe someone can just hurl some oatmeal onto my bare back while going “hua-hua-huaaaaaaa.” No freaks/long walks.

2003oct16. Mail.

if you go to designforchunks.com and look at the bag design from dude studios in group 1, it is a perfect illustration of what you are describing on cardhouse right now. I am emailing you from a car in front of a high school right now. There are 5 open wireless networks! neat.

- Holly

Cruising the high schools, eh? I have a mental image of the bag, I remember it fondly.

http://www.megahouse.co.jp/products/panda_z/index.html is what you want, pandawise. You can get it at www.hlj.com.

Hrm. This is not the panda robot that I was envisioning. The wings confuse me, they look like a cheap afterthought. I was looking for something more robot-ee and less panda-ee. But thanks for digging that up!

2003oct16. Kids play old-skool videogames. Show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T to your elders, damn you! God this is hilarious. [via neal]

Brian: I saw a documentary on this. The game was so popular in arcades that it got jammed up with quarters.

John: In this thing? [Points to the Pong game console]

2003oct22. Mail.

I want photos of cards super rares or others of Yu-Gi-Oh! PLESE, PLESE, PLESE, PLESE, PLESE, PLESE, PLESE!!!!

2003oct26. Moss Lake. Golden Gate Park. San Francisco. August. 2003. Paddleboat.

2003oct26. Well, I have been flitting around trying to figure out what my next “career” is. It hasn’t been going too well. I thought maybe I would be a croupier at Casino Wiesbaden after a staff member there contacted me about finding some replacement bulbs for their Sigma derby game, but they figured out how to jury-rig their own lights. Another dream smashed like some cheap ceramic hula doll which was dropped and then it smashed like into a million bits because it was ceramic. Also it was a hula doll. I have been seeing a lot of sidewalks here stamped “WPA,” perhaps I'll find employment there.

2003oct27. The Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About guy has written a new novel.

2003oct27. Worst Hockey Logos Ever

2003oct27. Mail.

damn your eyes. we used to row around that lake taking pictures and generally having a relaxing good old time. now what do we have? the hudson river! ooooh, pcbs.

can I come work for you? even a pseudo-croupier job in arizona or wherever has to be better than no-job in nyc.

- Random Uncle

RANDOM UNCLE! Here’s an exciting math puzzle that is part of your interview process at Cardhouse Pseudo Croupiers Inc: As a theoretically moralistic CEO, I will make exactly seven times the amount I pay you. What amount should we each be paid so that our salaries are also the same? Hint: it ends with a zero. This reminds me of the resumÚs I would get for jobs at X Magazine back in the day.

Or we could buy a van together and roam the U.S., singing songs at the campfire and such. S'mores, Random Uncle. S'mores. I am ready for adventure. I welcome adventure! Have a seat, won’t you? Thirsty? Glass of lemonade, adventure?

Also, if anyone is driving from California to Arizona or thereabouts at the end of November, let me know. Don’t make me take Greyhound. Is there a website where you can look for this sort of thing? Greyhoundavoidance.com? Someone give me some VC money. VCs are supposed to be dropping the major coin this year, I thought.

2003oct28. Sex only in marriage – and between a virgin man and a virgin woman! No left-overs no sloppy seconds – just fresh sex between each other! For without virginity, the woman has made herself a whore, and if not a virgin man, he has made himself a whoremonger – neither are qualified for a righteous marriage. Repent! Get right with God! Turn to Jesus Christ! You must abstain from sex for the rest of your life. Sex and marriage are not for Christians! Marriage is of the flesh, and not of the spirit. Christians are born again of the spirit of Jesus Christ, and are one spirit or one life with Christ. A Christian life should be seen in Jesus, and the life of Jesus should be seen in a Christian! Marriage is of the world and not the walk of Christ.

“No kinky sex. No incest. No anal sex. No oral sex. No sex for the kids.”

The writing continues in this vein. My favorite part: “No reckless eye balling.” (San Francisco – July)

2003oct28. Dot’s Diner, Bisbee Arizona. August.

2003oct28. Cockeyed: the frozen shaving cream prank ... EXAMINED!

2003oct31. Kobe: Party Lips